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For-profit college

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A for-profit college is like a community college, but without all of the prestige and employability.


Twerking turtle does happy shower dance.

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Thrust that shell.

Finally, a turtle has reclaimed the reptilian dance move known as twerking. The provocative hip thrust has been appropriated by humans, but most agree it looks ridiculous done by someone without a shell. The twerk is wrapped up in turtle culture, and for a human to do it—to pretend that we live in a  post-speciesism society—is simply insulting.

Now all this turtle needs to do is figure out how to monetize his twerking habit, so he can quit his day job

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

5 people having a worse Monday than you.

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5. The Pope, who may be infallible, but can still be vetoed.


(Agencia Brasil)

Despite the Huffington Post briefly turning into a Pope Francis fan site last week and weekend, the recently-concluded 2014 Synod of Bishops was a wash for the Argentinian pontiff. Though the Pope made statements favoring more openness towards homosexuals, divorced people and cohabitation, the final report on the Synod scrapped all such language in what is seen as a rebuke to the Pontiff. In a kind of backpedal, Francis gave a widely-reported speech on Friday, in which he said, among other things, "God is not afraid of new things," while also warning against "false mercy" against sins, which conservatives took to mean he was on their side. So, basically, everyone's angry and Pope Francis wants them all to think he agrees with them, which leaves everyone with the question of why can't someone who is infallible just impose the opinions he holds on his billions of followers, whatever they are. --JMC

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4. Kris Jenner, who had to answer questions about Bruce dating her "BFF" this morning.


(Getty)

Kris Jenner, celebrity chef and celebrated cookbook author, appeared on Today today to promote her new cookbook, In The Kitchen With Kris. But Hoda Kotb had other questions for the woman best known for her excellent recipes. She pried into Kris's romantic life, wanting to know if Kris's ex-husband Bruce was really dating Kris's best friend and former assistant Ronda Kamihira. "I just want him to be happy," Kris said, clearly hoping to steer the conversation back to her Baked Brie with Apricot Preserves. Hoda wouldn't let up, asking Kris to clarify rumors that Bruce was undergoing a sex change instead of about her famous Grilled Veal Chops with Rosemary Spice Rub. Kris said that was just the tabloids being silly and he was a "nice guy," clearly hoping to talk more about what the people really wanted to hear about: Wild Mushroom Risotto. —SRD

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3. Monica Lewinsky, who just joined Twitter and is spending her Monday sifting through a bunch of @ replies that sound like a Jay Leno monologue from 1998.

Monica Lewinsky joined Twitter today. In her bio, she describes herself as a "social activist. public speaker. contributor to vanity fair. knitter of things without sleeves." I want to believe it's possible for someone to reinvent their public image, but unfortunately for her, you and I will always think of her as "person who sucked President Clinton's dick." It's not fair, but it's true. And while we might be able to control ourselves and refrain from saying that out loud, not everyone on the Internet is quite so civil. —SRD

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2. Rwandan transfer students who weren't allowed to start school in New Jersey because of Ebola fears.

There is no Ebola in Rwanda. In fact, there are a whole bunch of countries between Rwanda and the West African countries where the epidemic is spreading. But from New Jersey, Africa looks like a blurry, Ebola-ridden mass. That's why two students transferring from a school in Rwanda to Howard Yocum Elementary School in Maple Shade, NJ, were forced to stay home for 21 days—just in case. The school is also planning to take their temperature three times per day. When word got out, parents were outraged that the school had tried to hide this ridiculous overreaction from them. "Anybody from that area should just stay there until all this stuff is resolved. There's nobody affected here, let's just keep it that way,” said one parent to My Fox Philly. I don't know what to say, Rwanda, except sorry. We are the worst, and you guys have been through enough. —SRD

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1. Ben & Jerry, who had to apologize to offended hazing victims after naming their new ice cream "Hazed & Confused."

Ben & Jerry's rolled out a new flavor called Hazed & Confused: chocolate and hazelnut ice creams with fudge chips and a hazelnut fudge core. The word "hazed" in the name of the ice cream is clearly a play on "hazelnut" and the phrase "dazed and confused." But Lianne and Brian Kowiak, a Florida couple whose son died after a hazing incident in 2008, felt the ice cream company was being insensitive and making light of hazing, and they wrote a letter asking them to change the name. The company has received 11 complaints about the ice cream's name, which a spokesperson says was "never intended to have any association with hazing." The spokesperson did reach out and apologize to the Kowiaks, insisting the company does not support bullying—dessert-related or otherwise. —SRD

Male pattern baldness

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Male pattern baldness is a condition which, if left untreated, eventually results in a new Corvette.

Classic love story: Boy meets girl online. Girl goes crazy and gets stuck in boy's chimney.

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Ways to meet men: 1.) Online dating. 2.) Getting stuck in chimneys.

A woman was pulled from the chimney of a home in Thousand Oaks, California this morning, after residents reported hearing someone crying inside. Firefighters and Search & Rescue workers for Ventura County were called in to physically dismantle the chimney in order to retrieve Genoveva Nunez-Figueroa from the smokestack. After taking apart the top of the chimney, firefighters lubed up the space with dish soap and attached ropes to Nunez-Figueroa's arms to pull her out. She was still conscious when she was extracted and taken to a hospital for an evaluation.

This is the second time she has been found on the roof of the building (although it was her first time in it). She was apparently looking to get the drop on a man named Lawrence, whom Nunez-Figueroa had gone out with a few times after meeting him online. "I'm going to have to be a little more cautious of who I invite into my house now," said Lawrence, who was not at home when all this chimney business went down. Maybe he was accepting an award for Outstanding Understatements Of The Year.

Nunez-Figueroa was charged with illegal entry and providing false information to an officer. I guess she figured things couldn't get any worse and decided to take a shot at making up a good reason for being stuck in a chimney at 6 AM on a Monday morning.

(by Johnny McNulty)

An elderly boxer taught this young dude a lesson. That lesson was don't mess with the old man.

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Iron Supplement Mike.

You can tell by the way the young boxer is smiling before the fight that he has no idea what he's in for. He was probably more concerned about hurting the old guy than getting KTFO. Hell, he was probably more worried about messing up his ponytail than he was about the old guy beating him like rented bongos. Little did he know he was about to be accepted into the School of Hard Knocks on a full scholarship. Because the old man beats the young guy up like he'd repeatedly walked in front of the TV during Jeopardy!.

The handsome heavy bag should've known he might be in for an ass whoopin' when the old man didn't bother to remove his sweater before the fight. When your boxing opponent is more concerned about being chilly than being hit by you, odds are it's going to be a short match.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

TV contestant makes sweet love to the 'Price Is Right' floor after a big, big win.

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Look away, good people! Look away!

It pains me to even mention this in the genteel company of the Internet citizenry, but I feel that it is my duty to warn all of you of some rather disturbing footage that is being passed about in the rougher corners of the Information Super Highway. Apparently, a fellow who was participating in the televised competition The Price Is Right let his happiness get away from him after a particularly big win, and he... well, he... that is to say, he...

I'll just come right out and say it—please make sure that your children have left the room before reading further—he befouled the carpeting of the television studio. With his groin:

I do admit that I was somewhat relieved to see that he exercised some restraint when he spun the wheel and landed on 100 the second time. After his initial display of celebratory debauchery, I was certain that he would subsequently run amuck sans trousers.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Christopher Nolan's 'Spaceballs' is the cinematic event of the decade.

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The eternal struggle of man vs. helmet.

I'm not gonna lie to you; I've been getting pretty excited about the upcoming Christopher Nolan interplanetary sci-fi epic that's supposedly going to be our generation's 2001: A Space Odyssey. For a while, I did a good job of forcing myself to avoid any of the trailers, because I didn't want to get spoiled, but I finally broke down and watched the preview clip below, and I've got to say, it does not disappoint: 

I applaud Nolan's decision to cast a comedy legend like Mel Brooks in a duel dramatic role. It's risky, sure. But it's that kind of bold filmmaking that makes a classic.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)


Google responded to Colbert's lawsuit threat with an almost unsettling amount of humor.

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Let's just get all these measurements out of the way.

If you're a fan of the Colbert Report you might know that while Stephen was engaging in his regular 3pm Googling of himself last Monday, he discovered that Google had his height listed at 5'10," an incorrect fact that left him with no choice but to sue. 

Speaking directly to the camera which was meant for Google CEO and co-founder Larry Page, Colbert demanded a "retraction, an apology, and a substantial cash settlement." 

But would that even be enough? Colbert sites that this slander is hurting his career in show business, and has been defamed by being put in the same height bracket as the likes of Matt Damon or Johhny Depp, AKA "The Lollipop Guild."

In response, Google made the necessary changes to mollify Colbert's bruised ego. Now, when you Google "Stephen Colbert height," you get this:


But how much shorter? 

They didn't bother to take a measuring tape to Colbert, but they gave him the extra half an inch (ish), though now he will forever be compared to Page, who gets the full 5'11," circus freak Conan O'Brien, who is 6'4", and Jon Stewart, who is... shorter.

For funsies, I Googled Jon Stewart's height. I got this:


Damn, that is shorter.

Colbert is still listed as only 5'10" here! They got you, Colbert, they got you.


Still taller than Maher. (Via)

(by Myka Fox)

Marcel The Shell returns to YouTube, and he (she? it?) wants to tell you some tiny secrets.

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"You can eat a whole grape, right? I told my friends they could watch you eat a grape."

Marcel The Shell With Shoes On is mostly a shell, but the adorable and bizarre animated creature voiced by Jenny Slate is also a YouTube phenomenon (and NYTimes bestseller). Marcel's first video, Marcel The Shell With Shoes On, has over 23 million views since it was released in October 2010, and Marcel The Shell With Shoes Two has over 8 million. The videos cast Marcel as the star of a documentary with an unseen director (voiced by director and co-writer Dean Fleischer-Camp) talking to him off camera. He's tiny and there are a lot (a lot) of odd facts about how he lives his tiny little life, and he's very, very eager to share it. He also wants to show off to his friends that he's friends with huge people capable of eating an entire grape.

Here's a clip from Conan in 2012 when Jenny Slate discusses the Marcel voice and how she came up with it.

Here's the original Marcel The Shell With Shoes On video.

Here's Marcel The Shell With Shoes On Two.

Shrimps are idiots.

(by Johnny McNulty)

My favourite stat of the day; more Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola

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Paul BoltMon, 20 Oct 2014 18:13:37 EDT

My favourite stat of the day; more Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died from Ebola

Do not disturb.

A little girl's dad found this disdainful letter to the "Tooth Fairy" under her pillow.

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If "Tooth Fairy" is even your real name...

There comes a day in every parent's life when your kids finally recognize you for the fraud that you are. Redditor willsanderson reached that day recently, when he found this scathing takedown of the "Tooth Fairy" under his daughter's pillow. 

The kicker is in the postscript. Not only is Lexi not fooled by the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus, she's known her parents are just trying to fool her since last Easter, a veritable lifetime ago. Why couldn't you just let out live out their fantasy, Lexi? You know it's hard for them.

Ultimately, Willsanderson and his wife are lucky. A savvier kid would have demanded more money per tooth.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Apple Pay

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Apple Pay is a consumer payment system used by people who want to keep their money as secure as Jennifer Lawrence's personal photographs.

Big Phoney.


Man raps a chapter of 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy' and it is improbably awesome.

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One in the chamber, 42 in the clip.

If a skinny English guy busting out an impressive and fast-paced rap while he reads aloud the words to a well-known science fiction book and transitioning into an equally impressive freestyle based on the same book sounds like a scenario that could only be generated in the bowels of Zaphod Beeblebrox's Infinite Improbability Engine (or the one he stole, anyway), you'd be right. He's rapping the words of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, by Douglas Adams. Specifically, he's rapping a chapter dealing with the series' depressed robot, Marvin The Paranoid Android, before breaking out into freestyle. As unlikely as it seems though, like a curious whale and cynical flower pot hurdling towards the ground, this rap is brief but definitely very real.

The man in the video is UK rapper Just Muz (aka Christian Foley), and the music he's rapping over is "93 'til Infinity" by Souls of Mischief. I look forward to seeing his future work with Audible.com.

(by Johnny McNulty)

​I Wrote A Better New York Song Than Taylor Swift

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by Dan Abromowitz

Taylor Swift just dropped "Welcome To New York," the opening track off the forthcoming 1989 and a pop ode to New York City. In an introductory video, Swift described the meaning the song has for her: "The inspiration that I found in that city is kind of hard to describe." But New York's presence is unmistakable in the song, with lyrics mentioning apartments, the "Village," and bright lights.

Listening to "Welcome to New York," I was so caught up with pride for my adopted hometown that I started scribbling lyrics myself. Soon enough, I found I'd written a celebratory anthem to New York that I think is on par with Ms. Swift's. Take a look; I'm in the market for a composer!

VERSE

New York

Dang

This place is crazy

Brooklyn, Manhattan

Uh

Queens

I love the subway

It's 24 hours

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Times Square, it's a party

And gay people, too

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CHORUS

Throw your hands up

(Whoa)

Move your body

(Oh yeah)

It's New York

The city

.

VERSE

Everyone here's from somewhere

People from here are cool

Lots of bars and parties

You can live your life

Ha ha

Woo

It's got many names

"The Big Apple"

"City of Angels"

"The Bronx"

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When I say "I heart NY"

I mean it

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CHORUS

Throw your hands up

(Whoa)

Move your body

(Oh yeah)

It's New York

The city

.

BRIDGE

Hop on a sightseeing bus

Hop off whenever

Girls are choosier on OKCupid

But they've got every right to be

The mayor has a black son

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CHORUS

Throw your hands up

(Whoa)

Move your body

(Oh yeah)

It's New York

The city

The city of New York

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Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter

Image via Getty

2 pandas throw an adorable tantrum when it's time to take their medicine.

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Black and white kooky.

I'm going to check my cable TV listings for CCTV News out of China, because, evidently, they air ridiculously cute segments like this one featuring a hapless zookeeper attempting to give medicine to a couple of pandas set to a soundtrack of soft-country music. That's news I can use! I don't know why the pandas hate taking their medicine, but just watching the procedure I suffered a near-fatal cuteness overdose. (Yeah, I just wrote that!) This video is so cute it makes me wish I knew how to use emoji characters! ["Heart," "Thumbs Up," "Smiley Face with a Teardrop"]

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Nothing compares.

Big help.

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