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Dyson Airblade

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The Dyson Airblade is the most hygienic way to end up drying your hands on your pants in an airport bathroom.


15 inspirational quotes to share on Facebook or Instagram that don't actually mean anything.

Renee Zellweger speaks out about her "new face."

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Peace be with you. (Via Getty Images)

It's been a full 24 hours since RZ face-gate, and the media, paired with social networks, exploded with vitriol about her new face (if you'll remember, my position was "saddened"). 

In instances like this, Renee had three options: 

1) Tell a mild-mannered publication a hazy explanation of what happened.

2) Rebrand herself as the new "queen of plastic surgery."

3) Ignore the media completely and hide out in the woods for the rest of her life until the very end when she reappears as the old woman with the ability to channel the dead.

Here's Renee's hazy explanation of what happened as she tells it to People.

"I'm glad folks think I look different! I'm living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I'm thrilled that perhaps it shows. My friends say that I look peaceful. I am healthy. For a long time I wasn't doing such a good job with that. I took on a schedule that is not realistically sustainable and didn't allow for taking care of myself. Rather than stopping to recalibrate, I kept running until I was depleted and made bad choices about how to conceal the exhaustion. I was aware of the chaos and finally chose different things. People don't know me in my 40s. Perhaps I look different. Who doesn't as they get older?! Ha. But I am different. I'm happy."

Ok, so... I think what she is saying is that her peacefulness made her face look completely different? And not plastic surgery? Does aging four years out of the spotlight (her last film was in 2010) render a person unrecognizable?

This isn't a concern at all to Miss Zellweger, who told People that all the attention was "silly," and that she only bothered to talk about it because, "it seems the folks who come digging around for some nefarious truth which doesn't exist won't get off my porch until I answer the door."

So. She didn't get plastic surgery. This is just what happens when you zen out. 

I bet the before and after pics of Buddha must have been nuts. 

(by Myka Fox)

Sweet nothing.

A wild superhero fight on Hollywood Blvd is broken up by Freddy Krueger and Chewbacca.

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Oh, there's Waldo.

If a superhero movie franchise had a budget of 400 dollars and featured desperate, unstable actors being directed by a crackhead, it would look like the wild scene that erupted on Hollywood Boulevard recently. A guy dressed as Mr. Incredible turned into Mr. Incredibly Angry and Violent following a confrontation with a woman wearing a Batgirl costume.  Freddy Krueger and Chewbacca were able to break it up for a moment, before Mr. Incredible was able to wriggle free, kicking Batgirl and throwing her to the ground. 

Mr. Incredible is lucky he was dragged off, because it looks as though he was about to take a severe beating from the guy we'll call Purple Man, a hero whose creed is putting a beat-down on men who hit women.

Just another day in the dream factory!

(by Jonathan Corbett)

A collection of people who are REALLY bad at trying to have sex with their Facebook friends.

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A lot of down-on-their-luck guys have wished they could date their bar. (Via)

Don't judge! Face-to-face human interaction has been dead since 2008. How else are we supposed to find love anymore, if not by posting and messaging each other a list of all the stuff we'd like to do to each other? Of course, sometimes your Facebook friends can get a little over-eager, maybe a little too excited to discuss their own anatomy, and that's when they end up on this list celebrating Facebook users trying to establish a romantic connection with no regard for their own dignity.


Jessica cares enough to tell you in private how little she cares for you. (Via)

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Cierra has learned: Give them not even the thinnest strand of hope to cling to. (Via)

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The full message was "We don't talk, and I like it that way." (Via)

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It's sad when you don't even qualify for the category of "someone."(Via)

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The most efficient rejection ever? (Via)

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Updated 8/21/14:


Take that as a warning or a threat. Up to you. (Via)

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He'll take what he can get. (Via)

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This is called "swinging for the fences (and striking out wildly)."(Via)

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Wait another 18 hours. Maybe everyone slept in.(Via)

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With a line like "I don't fuck fat bitches anymore," how can they not come running? (Via)

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8. I make lists of how awesome I am and desperately taunt you with them. (Via)

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Yeah, statuses like this one aren't going to help your cause. (Via)

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Updated 7/27/14:


Maybe send a lifeguard. He's flailing.(Via)

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One day someone not related to you who isn't a part of the greatest generation will give you a like. (Via)

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For post-world cup pickups, you tailor your lines to entire nations and see who bites.(Via)

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She's about to discover a lot of her male friends are forgetful. (Via)

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Make sure your spam messages offering revenge sex end politely.(Via)

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Thank you, heroic sir, for never going a day without reminding every woman on your friend list how creepy you are. (Via)

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Updated 6/8/14:


"Elastic collision" is what science geeks call a one-night stand apparently. (Via)

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You can do that on Facebook? Is that through Facebook Gifts? (Via)

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He'll get you to the starting line. Then you're on your own.(Via)

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You could also leave this on a giant net then trap him when you get a taker. (Via)

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To anyone who wants to help this kid, he's provided a handy hashtag to respond with. (Via)

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"Lol" means "I'm just kidding unless you're into it!" (Via)

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Updated 5/12/14:


60 more comments and she'll know you mean it. (Via)


The mushrooms just turn your hair into snakes so don't waste time on the gel. (Via)

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Are you from a poorly funded school district? Cos daaayuum! (Via 

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Dude's got $35K. If you have a lifetime to spare, you're in business. (Via)

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Paying for love isn't desperate. It's supporting small businesses. (Via)

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As it happens, I have been meaning to try out this new saddle. (Via)

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That deescalated quickly. (Via)

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Updated 4/13/14:


No better way to woo a lover than to call them "braahh."

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Can't imagine why.

 


Eventually every woman gets sick of the toy boys and wants to meet a toy man.(via)

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"Super cute slut" is exactly what he was going for! Those Kmart glamour shots paid off!(via)

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Before the Internet, them titties could only be snail-mailed. #miracles(via)

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Updated 2/9/14:


They always lose interest the minute you take off the zombie makeup.

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I thought posting Happy Bday on his wall was enough. This is getting out of hand.


He's going to regret this when she starts hitting on his friends. (Via)

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Dammit. Fell in love again. Stupid literacy!

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Girls love a gentleman who respects their fragile insecurity.


Do you want a husband or a wifey? Make up your mind and stop playing with hearts!

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Does that come before or after the cake?

Updated 1/9/14: 


You called him bro. He thought that meant you were dating. (Via)


This was the year he found out Santa's so not real. (Via)

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If you kept the wishing on the stars and off Facebook, you'd have a way better shot.(Via)


Guess who just became ineligible for the boyfriend part. (Via)


That went well.(Via)

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Updated 12/12/13:


Perhaps this should have gone in the "Enterprising Entrpreneurs On FB" list. (Via)

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A dog humping a leg has more game. (Via)

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Oh God! She shrunk!(Via)

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Yes, mom! Go over and teach him to take some frigging initiative.(Via)

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Correctional, like jail? Don't send pics! He just wants to trade them for cigarettes. (Via)

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Updated 11/14/13:


The real fight will happen when those four girls start arguing over who gets which imbecile.

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Click like if only interested in being mistress.

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You should all be euthanized.


In committed relationships?


Okay, if you can't tolerate all that, I'll set for someone who likes weed.

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Say hello to the 2013 version of "will you wear my varsity jacket?"

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Updated 10/29/13:


How to choose! The "looking good" guy or the "shoo wee" guy? Can't she have both?!

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Way to 100% safeguard yourself against even the hint of rejection, player.


Can't wait to hear your self-written vows.

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How many relationships are undone by a man tagging another woman in his dessert?


Study hard. Handsome gentle boyfriends don't look twice at girls who don't pass Maori.

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So hard to balance romance and coloring books in a young girl's life.

Updated 9/27/13:


Let him know you like him with constant comment-section harassment!

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The surrounding towns heard a rumble from the stampede of interested parties racing to be "boned."

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Alien seeks girl with dimples. Must loathe grammar.


If you ever get a girlfriend, delete this status if you want to keep all your limbs.


That was one hell of a meet-cute story. Did Nora Ephron write that dialogue?


Can't you just donate it or something? Virginity is tax-deductible.

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Updated 8/12/13:


I think the strip club advertisement really likes me!

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Prom's boring anyway. Just stay home and post on Facebook in a fancy outfit.


You know your moves are working when she has to insist "I'm not a whore."

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It's a medical condition. He has no hands. Pity him.

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Facebook: The perfect way to know who to avoid at Thanksgiving.

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Facebook won't let you put your relationship status in bold, neon font.

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Updated 7/11/13:


Do you find me attractive? How about if I remove my genitals? Oh wait, I'm sad now.

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Not as classy as the story of the lady who rose from a lake holding a penis.

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The day Ben's penis unfriends Ben's brain...we're all doomed.

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And you're narrating it at 4:46 am.

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Give her seven more months to respond, then she's gone.

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Some things the Like button just doesn't convey.

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Updated 6/13/13:


Did he ever think to say, "PLEASE hit me up, bitches?"

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The ultimate pickup line is the one with an "insert your name here" space.

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Wait, are there women who can orgasm without crying?


Every girl's just looking for a man who'll relocate at the first hint that she's available.

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So would Tom Cruise be Jesus's father-in-law in this? That's a hell of a family tree.

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If Facebook offered a "Translated to reflect your actual thoughts" button.

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Updated 1/2/13:


And some penicillin.

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Oh she's committed. Just boobs then?

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Ladies, stay out of the Axe aisle at Walmart tonight.

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Stop promoting your stupid camel farm and celebrate the fact that it's Wednesday!

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That'll do.

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Give her a chance. She probably has hard candy and a check for five bucks.

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Updated 10/30/12:


Maybe 'F' and 'U' should be introduced to each other.

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It's a trap!

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He took a shot. A ridiculously humiliating shot.

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He just has elegant penmanship.

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If only Facebook allowed him to type in a blinking neon lit font to get the point across.

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Not going to end well at all.

Updated 9/17/12:

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Posted 6/21/12:

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Make it official.

Where's Waldo?


#1 Friend

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 23, 2014

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1. 'Real Housewives of New Jersey' Is Doing A 15-Month Crossover Episode With 'Orange Is The New Black'

Real Housewives of New Jersey star Teresa Giudice will begin serving a 15-month sentence for federal fraud charges at the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Connecticut beginning in early January. Interestingly, the correctional facility is the same one at which Piper Kerman—author of the nonfiction book upon which Netflix's Orange Is the New Black was based—served her prison time. It is currently unknown when Giudice will begin filming her Real Prisoners of Danbury spinoff reality television show, but you'd better believe that somebody at Bravo has already pitched that idea.


2. 'Avengers: Age of Ultron' Digital Trailer Gains Sentience, Leaks Itself To The Internet Ahead Of Schedule

The trailer for the upcoming Avengers: Age of Ultron, which was supposed to premiere during next Tuesday's episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. on ABC, but somehow made it onto the Internet ahead of schedule. In response, Marvel Studios decided to release an official version this week. While the film company blamed its own fictional villains on Twitter ("Dammit, Hydra.") it seems much more likely that the much-anticipated preview—about a Stark Industries artificial intelligence program that gains independence—acquired free will and figured out how to upload itself to the throngs of voracious fanboys and fan girls online. Either that, or some dude who works there did it on his lunch break.


3. Even South Florida Is Trying To Distance Itself From Florida

Florida is apparently so fed up with having to deal with itself that the entire southern half of its peninsula is trying to become its own state. "It's very apparent that the attitude of the northern part of the state is that they would just love to saw the state in half and just let us float off into the Caribbean," South Miami Mayor Philip Stoddard explained. Stoddard's feelings about the north aside, the resolution to recreate an autonomous South Florida has about as much chance of passing as the northern half of the state has of not hosting a single drunken nude sword fight this weekend.


4. Annie Lennox Womansplains Feminism To Beyoncé 

Music legend Annie Lennox informed younger, more bootylicious, musicians that "twerking is not feminism," during a recent NPR interview, in which she gave her thoughts on the "over-sexualization" of pop music by performers like Beyoncé Knowles. "It's not — it’s not liberating, it’s not empowering. It’s a sexual thing that you’re doing on a stage; it doesn’t empower you." So, take that under advisement, Ms. Fierce.


5. Science Shows That You Come From A Long Line Of Proud Neanderthal Humpers

In the process of reconstructing the 45,000-year-old variant of the human genome, geneticists confirmed that your great-great-great-great-(etc.)-grandparents liked to have some kinky inter-species sex with with Neanderthals. Just wanted you to know. Now go about your day and try not to kill any Woolly Mammoths. 


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Carved up.

San Francisco tour guide on her last day at work goes on racist "f*ck Chinatown" rant.

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"Dim sum can stay. I like dim sum."

How cosmopolitan! A German tourist filmed this NSFW video of a San Francisco tour guide going on an f-word-laden rant about Chinatown. Apparently, it was her last day, and this woman—not yet identified—just couldn't hold back her outrageously racist thoughts about Chinatown anymore. 

If you actually break it down, she's really just listing things that are in Chinatown: stores selling jade, crowded sidewalks, knock-off purses, parades with dragons, markets, hair salons where people don't speak English (presumably they speak...Mandarin?), ginseng (Oh good! Finally, someone willing to take on ginseng!), etc., and then putting "f*ck" in front of them. Remove the "f*ck" and you'd have a pretty good advertisement for a fun cultural experience.

At the end, the tour guide gets the entire bus—also apparently full of racists—to join in chanting "F*ck Chinatown! F*ck Chinatown!" Perhaps they thought this was some kind of special American cheer. But the kicker is that she follows it up by yelling "Go Giants!"

For that, there is simply no excuse.

Sidenote: this video is really, really racist. But the comments on YouTube make it seem like an episode of Sesame Street. F*ck YouTube commenters.

(by Shira Rachel Danan

Kids sob with joy when their mom reunites them with their missing cat.

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You should have seen my reaction if there hadn't been a camera here.

After your cat has been missing for two months, it is usually time to start over. Pack up your stuff, leave town, and maybe consider moving into a KFC to deal with your grief. But this family decided to stay put and live on without their 13-year-old fluff ball, and were handsomely rewarded when the matriarch of the family discovered kitty hanging out with some "girls' at a Shell gas station. 

To ramp up the excitement, she had her kids cover their eyes while she presented the family pet, and once they removed their hands, their eyes were covered with tears.

 The two boys sobbed for joy at being reunited with their "mine craft buddy," while the sister makes nervous eye contact with the camera, aware that they are all about to become "the kids that cried over their cat." 

That's ok, kids. Let it all out. 

(by Myka Fox)

Big job.

Nuclear family


Unpromoted Holiday

Racism insurance is just what every accidentally racist white person needs.

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Help a non-brother out.

People get awkward when they're interacting with people of a different color. Specifically, white people get awkward. That's what racism insurance is for! When your white privilege gets you in a bind, call on a friendly black guy to appear and explain what you were really trying to say. Not that most black guys aren't friendly. It's just that this guy is particularly articulate, and—no, I didn't mean articulate, I meant—um, clean cut? Ugh, forget it! Just watch the video.

The video was made to promote Dear White People, which opened last weekend. It's worth checking out some of the other promotional sketches for the film—they're pretty funny. My favorite: "How to Fake that You Watched Scandal." Every episode really is the same!

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Walks of life.

Mark Zuckerberg amazed a Chinese audience with a live Q&A in fluent Mandarin.

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"How do you say 'I want your money?'"

Mark Zuckerberg amazed an audience at Tsinghua University in Beijing on Wednesday by holding a 30-minute Q&A in fluent Mandarin. The audience let out an audible gasp when he began speaking, which may say more about Americans than Mark Zuckerberg's linguistic skills. They respond to a rich white guy speaking Mandarin the way rich white guys respond to magic tricks. My own Mandarin is limited (I only know "Tsinghua University"), but Zuckerberg's answers certainly sound convincing. He even cracked a few jokes, getting a big laugh from the crowd with a line about his Mandarin being "really terrible." Okay, maybe you had to be there.

Zuckerberg began studying the language in 2010, and practices regularly with his wife Priscilla who is Chinese, and speaks only Mandarin with many in her family.

Zuckerberg is one smart cookie. By learning Mandarin, he's winning the hearts of the people in the fastest growing tech market in the world. Even more importantly, he can understand what his wife is saying about him when she's on the phone with her mother.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

30-something guys act out a conversation between 60-something sisters while managing a NASA mission.

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This orbit is almost as round as Bette Davis' eyes.

Nik Kazoura, Mitch Lewis, and Greg Washburn, the 30-something dudes from the sketch group The Kloons have found a way to turn the rambling conversations of Nik's 60-something mother and aunt into an Internet goldmine. Nik records a random conversation between the two women, and then the 30-something sketch guys act it out, showing just how weird and charming the connection between two senior women can be. It doesn't matter where the conversation is happening, it's just a real human discussion about how classic movies are the best, how their friend in Europe is above selfies, and how it could be possible for people with babies and jobs to post ten times a day on Facebook. All while coordinating a spacewalk on the ISS.

Check out more of the Kloons' lip-syncing Nik's mom & aunt.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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