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Staff Picks: What was something that got better the more you thought about it this week?

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Here at Happy Place, staffers spend their days ten fingers deep inside the bowels of the Internet. They've dedicated their lives (between the hours of 10 and 6) to untangling the Web, and in the course of that task, have come across the best and worst that cyberspace has to offer. It would be a waste to not share that knowledge, so in the spirit of bookstore clerks making "staff picks," we asked our staff to share something that got funnier the more you thought about it this week.

1: "The box wasn't empty."
(Staffer Shira Rachel Danan)


(Via)

Okay, I just saw this today, but it has made me laugh every time I've looked at it, so I had to share. Not only is the cat's "dafuq?" expression priceless, but this is an easy and quick DIY cat Halloween costume you can do at home! Tell everyone your cat is going as thousands of spider egg sacs. Pretty scary!

2: "Ebola got me like."
(Staffer Johnny McNulty)

When I first started watching Darius Benson's 6-second meditation on the paranoia caused by mass infections, it was only Tuesday, and the world was a different place. Now, some holier-than-thou Doctors Without Borders physician has the 'Bol after riding on my subway line and going to a bowling alley I used to do stand-up at. Now I watch this on loop in the desperate hope that it will give me the confidence to order food to my door.

3: "Suggested pricing."
(Staffer Bob Powers)


(Via)

Took me a minute to even get what I was supposed to look at. Then I thought more about it. I've worked in retail. You make your own joy. Whatever kid was doing the pricing that day on whatever giant crate of old CDs someone dumped off for a trade-in of 11 bucks, he felt a little twinge of happiness as he decided exactly what the going market rate of a CD single from 2003 might be. It says so right there in the name. Who is he to disobey the artist's wishes?

4: "My Spirit Wiener Dog."
(Staffer Dennis DiClaudio)

When my life gets particularly stressful, I sit in a corner of the room, close my eyes and allow all of my earthly concerns to sublimate out through the top of my head until nothing is left in my consciousness but the purest essence of tranquility. What does that look like? It's hard to describe precisely. No, I take that back. It's pretty easy to describe. It's exactly like this video of a Japanese dachshund enjoying a nice hot shower in his bathroom sink.

5: "Every time you look at a car, I want you to see... my face."
(Staffer Myka Fox)


(Via)

Just like that picture of a horse that is also a frog, or the vase that is also two faces, once you see the Nicholas Cage in the front of this car, you are forever changed, unable to trust your mind's ability to perceive reality. Is there reality, or is Nicholas Cage a car???

6: “Untitled”
(Staffer Jonathan Corbett)


(Via)

Mr. Corbett would prefer not to elaborate.


Baby tastes cake for the first time, decides to eat it with his whole head.

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Go shorty, it's your birthday.

Baby Bauer turned one, so his parents let him taste cake for the first time. 

He is nervous at first, staring warily at the confection, and he should be, because once his mom gets a finger-full of frosting in his mouth, the sugar takes over and Bauer is consumed with the desire to meld his head and cake into one. 

If anyone else at this party wants cake, they're gonna have to go through him.

(by Myka Fox)

"The Britishes" is the "Downton Abbey" parody that will tide you over until January.

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Heavens.

The new season of Downton Abbey won't be out in the United States for another few months, but in the meantime, try The Britishes. It's an 8-episode Downton Abbey parody created by College Humor and DirecTV, and premieres October 28.

The Britishes are aristocrats so British their name is actually "British." Much like the Granthams, they see themselves as responsible for upholding the traditional British way of life against the changes of modernity. But as you can see in the episode below—"The Charming Mr. Hitler"—they're often on the wrong side of history.

Of course, considering how much the show has jumped the shark in the last couple of seasons, we wouldn't be surprised to see a Hitler cameo on the real Downton Abbey. I could definitely see him falling for Edith.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

This Bull Terrier losing its mind on a bed is joy in its purest form.

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His sleep number is 11.

This is why most dogs aren't allowed on the bed. Instead of appreciating the expensive mattress and comfy pillows like a mature individual, this Bull Terrier goes completely apeshit. If this was an audition tape to see how the dog would behave if it was allowed to sleep on the big bed, he totally blew it. How could anyone possibly take an afternoon nap with this dog bouncing around like a rodeo bull with a bee on its ass? I hope it was fun, because the big bed party is probably over for this guy.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

The Mighty Ducks

If 'Star Wars' invaded reality, this is what it would look like.

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Once the Jedi students move in, you know gentrification is almost over.

Thomas Dagg's photos may look like the Earth has been taken over by the Galactic Empire, but they're more about what it is like when Star Wars invades the mind of a young child who's a fervent fan. Dagg was one of those kids, big time, and he spent the last two years on this personal project, aptly named Star Wars, to turn memories of his childhood imagination into these hyper-realistic visions. "If there was a blizzard outside, I always thought of Hoth," the 24-year-old Toronto photographer told Wired in an interview published today, "If I saw a jogger, I would imagine them with Yoda on their back like Luke Skywalker. That was my childhood."


"Reporting live from the CBS 2 Traffic AT-AT, it's a mess out there in the snow, people!"

Like the epic argument over the morality of killing all the independent contractors on the second Death Star in the film Clerks, Dagg's photos don't just make you think about what it would be like if real life had sci-fi elements, but remind you to imagine how much real life must exist behind the vivid movie worlds we love.


"The technological terrors of modern society pale in comparison to the power of sound urban planning." 

Head over to Wired to read more about Thomas Dagg and his project, or check out Dagg's website for the rest of Star Wars and all his other projects.


"Psst. Kid. Wanna buy a used droid? It speaks Bocce."

(bJohnny McNulty)

The Blind Side

Man who saved a 73-year-old stranger from burning building rewarded on live TV.

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It's like Warhol said: in the future, every truck driver will save someone from a burning building and get 15 minutes on national television.

Viral videos are usually about cute babies, cute animals, or adult humans enduring accidental embarrassment. Every once in a while, however, one comes along that becomes famous for a much better reason: people are actually capable of being really good. Regular guy Tom Artiaga is one of those really good people. A truck driver by profession, Tom was trying to earn some extra income in the area doing a side job when he came across a burning building. If you haven't already seen the video of his actions, I won't spoil any more for you, but Jimmy Kimmel lured Artiaga and his media-shy wife to appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live afterwards by offering them tickets, but not telling them they would be featured on the show. Check out what happens next:

Saving people from burning buildings? Check. Rewarding someone who actually deserves to be rewarded on television? Check. Actually making professional sports look like the domain of upstanding behavior and heroism? Check. OK, everyone, let's just shut down the media for the weekend because I doubt anything this feel-good will happen again for a few days.

(by Johnny McNulty)


A computer scientist broke the record for skydiving from the edge of space and didn't even make a big deal of it.

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"Houston? ...I'm really cool."

With very little fanfare, a 57-year-old Google senior vice president named Alan Eustace fell 135,890 feet, or 25.7 miles, from (almost) space today. In addition to breaking the sound barrier (he topped out at 822 miles an hour coming down), he shattered the world record for high-altitude skydiving.

I'm sure they'll release full footage soon, but here's the 1-minute version:

How he did it was even more incredible. Unlike the previous record-holder, Felix Baumgartner (a world-famous daredevil, not a computer scientist), Eustace did not ascend in a specially-built space capsule tied to a helium-filled balloon. He just tied himself in a spacesuit to the balloon. The balloon took over two hours to reach its maximum height after leaving Roswell, NM, but it took him just fifteen minutes to fall. As Eustace told the New York Timestoday, "It was a wild, wild ride. I hugged on to the equipment module and tucked my legs and I held my heading."


The moment of takeoff in Roswell, NM. Looks like an alien to me, though.

Also in contrast to Baumgartner, who jumped from 128,100 feet on Oct. 12, 2012 (I guess mid-October is aerospace record-breaking season?), Eustace did not go up with the support of a massive Red Bull marketing team. A lot of his components were more off-the-shelf, as well, using GoPro cameras attached to radios bought at the store. Obviously, though, it couldn't have been cheap, even if it was quiet. He and a team of engineers designed his spacesuit and rigged the equipment necessary to separate from the balloon (using a small explosive), maintain a trajectory, and keep his suit from being tangled in the parachutes.


"Up" would have been a much shorter movie with these balloons.

He actually broke two other records besides the record for high-altitude jump. He achieved the fastest vertical speed for a human, becoming only the second after Baumgartner to break the sound barrier, and he also had the longest total freefall (before he opened his parachute).

Here's Baumgartner's historic fall, which broke a record held by the Air Force held for decades:

Beyond falling almost a marathon-length out of the sky, what's equally impressive in 2014 is how low-key this was. I mean, this story broke on the New York Times' science section on Twitter, and it took all afternoon for the blogosphere to realize something huge had just happened.

We here at HappyPlace are strong proponents of a manned falling-from-space program and we hope this race of records continues. Next time someone wants to do it in secret, though, if you could give the scoop to us instead of the Times, that'd be great.

Read more about Eustace's historic achievement at the New York Times.

(bJohnny McNulty)

Stopped short.

Frankenstein

5 people who are probably going to be looking for work this week.

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5. The Texas cheerleading coach and former biology teacher who had sex "all summer long" with a student.


(via The Mirror)

“Summer lovin’ I had sex with a boy... Summer lovin’ now I’m unemployed…” Tell you more, tell you more? Okay! Ashlley Zehnder, a biology teacher and assistant cheerleading coach at a Texas high school is now cheering “Give me a J-O-B!” after a naked picture of her began circulating around the school. Zehnder admitted that the picture was of her but wasn’t supposed to be seen by all the students, only the one male member of the cheer squad she’d been having sex with “all summer long.” Turns out, summer flings do mean a thing, at least to the prosecutor who is planning on charging her with a felony.

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4. The Chili's cook who was fired for posting beefcake shots of himself taken in their kitchen.


(via ABC)

People who believe that any publicity is good publicity should try telling that to the folks who run Chili’s restaurant chain. Because they could've easily done without the publicity they received recently after one of their cooks used their kitchen as a makeshift photography studio to shoot "sexy" pictures of himself. I put "sexy" in quotations because you've already seen one of Justin Speekz' photos taken at the Valrico, Florida Chili's where he used to work. Evidently, Speekz was posting the shots to Facebook in an attempt to get a "Sexy Cooks Of Chili's" thing happening. That thing didn't happen. What happened was he was fired.

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3. Mama June, one of the stars of the now-cancelled hit series 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'


(via Getty)

Okay, maybe Mama June won’t technically be looking for work. More like, sitting around the house with her new ex-con boyfriend and complaining about Here Comes Honey Boo Boo being canceled, while trying to come up with a pitch for a new reality show about a sassy southern mom who flushes her kid's financial future down the toilet by dating a registered sex offender. TLC dumped the hit series from its lineup after it was revealed that Mama June has been dating convicted child molester Mark Daniel, who recently completed a ten-year prison stint for abusing one of Mama's relatives. Here comes Child Protective Services!

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2. The Tennessee dentist arrested for being drunk on the job.


(via The Tennessean)

Stephen Kaufman may be out of work as a dentist in Ashland City, Tennessee, after he was arrested for being drunk on the job. A woman called the cops last week and told them Kaufman smelled of alcohol and seemed loaded before sedating her teenage nephew for a procedure. The cops who showed up to his office claim that he was "unsteady on his feet, had red watery eyes and a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath," which is the last thing you want from guy two inches from your face with a drill in his hand. He's been charged with reckless endangerment and driving under the influence, because his performance on a field sobriety test led police to believe he began drinking long before driving himself to work.

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1. The racist San Francisco tour guide who led a busload of tourist in a chant of "F*ck Chinatown!"

Does anyone in the Bay Area know of an employment opportunity for an outgoing person with strong leadership skills, who won't have to deal with many Chinese people? If so, you should look up the former San Francisco tour bus guide who went on a wildly racist rant before leading a busload of tourists on a chant of "Fuck Chinatown." Future employers should also be aware that she's not a fan of jade, crowded sidewalks, knock-off purses, parades with dragons, markets, hair salons, and people speaking anything other than English. Consider this video her resume.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Quaranstreaming: What to stream during your mandatory 21-day Ebola quarantine binge watch marathon.

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Thanks to the current digital media landscape, we live in a magnificent time to be put under a mandatory 21-day quarantine after having had potential contact with the bodily residue of a confirmed Ebola patient. Had this hit ten years ago, quarantined PPOPE's (Physicians/Pals Of People with Ebola) would be limited to watching whatever they had on their cable package, or giving a second and third viewing to the crappy new releases they had neglected to return to Blockbuster. Sounds about as entertaining as watching the mercury on your thermometer rise! 

Not so, today. An Ebola quarantine is now the perfect time to start knocking titles off your queues. For those (confirmed) three quarantined in New York City today, and anyone else who might find themselves on lockdown in the near future, here's the essential guide to what to stream during your Ebola quarantine.

1. Outbreak/World War Z/The Stand

Get them out of the way while you aren't showing any symptoms. These should be watched just as a reminder of what could happen if you answer that door even once. Even for the UPS guy. Goddammit, humanity is at stake! And yes, WWZ is nothing more than a disease movie that just happens to have some zombies in it. (Outbreak rentable on Amazon Prime, WWZ and The Stand streamable on Netflix)

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2. The Trip / The Trip To Italy

Even if you can't explore beautiful European countrysides and eat delicious food, you can still watch two middle-aged British comedians do that stuff for you. Watch them back-to-back and by the time this all blows over, your Michael Caine impression will blow the bloody doors off! (The Trip on Netflix, The Trip To Italy on VOD)

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3. Orange Is The New Black

Starting to feel a little stir crazy? Getting the urge to paint little paintings on the walls with your food? Why not seek solace in the dramas of your fellow sisters on lockdown? No easier way to distract you from how sick you are of your own apartment than to focus on how sick you are of Piper's little "Are you for serious right now?" forehead tilt. (Netflix)


"I gotta stay here just because me and the Ebola doc had the same Uber driver?"

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4. Scrubs

There's going to be doctors coming in and out to check on you, and they're probably going to be a bunch of duds conversation-wise since they'll all be way more concerned with "following protocol" to get into any goofy shenanigans. Ignore them and focus on your way-more-fun doctor family with 9 whole seasons of Scrubs. Occasionally, when the CDC sends in yet another couple of Dr. Downers, just point to the screen and shout, "Why can't you guys be more like JD and Turk?" (Hulu, Netflix)

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5. The West Wing

You're in deep now and you're wondering if you'll ever come out the other side. You need a series that's as huge in episode number as it is in optimism. That's The West Wing, the perfect show to give you some hope that your government might just be competent enough to get you and the rest of the country through a major disaster. Ignore CNN and just pretend President Bartlet has the wheel, and he's driving us all home. (Netflix)

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6. Ella Enchanted

Early Anne Hathaway, just to make your veins bulge out of your skin, making it easier to for the docs to draw blood. You'll be so annoyed by how bad the script is that you'll be inspired to write a screenplay of your own—activity! (Amazon Prime)

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7. Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Spend countless hours with Kim & Co as they take over the world and convince you it isn't worth saving, anyways. It feels good to let go, doesn't it? (Hulu)

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8. Erin Brockovich / The Fugitive

As you read more and more about how testing of the Ebola vaccine has been delayed because pharma companies saw no profit potential, you're gonna get pissed and you're gonna want to watch someone stick it to the corporate giants who put dollar signs before life. That someone is Erin f*cking Brockovich. 

Since Erin only goes after a power company that's letting people die, you might want a movie where big pharma is the true enemy. Time for The Fugitive. Devlin MacGregor wanted approval for Provasic so badly, they killed Harrison Ford's wife. His wife! (Erin Brockovich on HBO Go, The Fugitive rentable on Amazon Prime)

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9. Friday Night Lights

The fact is, you're under quarantine for a deadly disease, and even though you aren't showing any symptoms and patients are being cured, you can't help but want to get things in order for yourself. If there's one show everyone needs to scratch off the bucket list, it's this one. Texas forever. (Netflix)

(by Happy Place Staff)

Resume

Never Empty.


Watch these food experts eat McDonald's and believe it is "organic."

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"What did we learn today?"

Would you consider McDonald's fine food? What if I told you it was organic?

It's not, but what if I TOLD you it was? And you didn't know it was McDonald's. And you were a snooty foodie at the annual food convention in Houten (the Netherlands)? 

Sacha and Cedrique from Lifehunters are presenting Mickey D's as food from their organic restaurant, and the food experts literally eat it up. They say they can taste the organic-ness. Let's laugh at their desire to impress the cameras, shall we?

Seriously though, they call these people food experts and they don't recognize McNuggets? Where'd they go to culinary school? I want to see ID!


Just like grandma used to get from the drive-thru.

(by Myka Fox)

Too soon.

Benedict Cumberbatch tries to walk like Beyoncé, ends up looking like Monty Python.

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The Ministry of Sasha Fierce Walks.

Benedict Cumberbatch was a guest on BBC's The Graham Norton Show last night, which is another way of saying "Benedict Cumberbatch was publicly humiliated on British television last night." However, the Sherlock star has braved Graham Norton's good-natured abuse on the show before—and it gave him a platform for his spot-on Chewbacca impersonation—so must enjoy it on some level.

Last night, Norton and comedian Miranda Hart ganged up on him and made the tall and gangly actor deliver his best attempt at a Beyoncé-style diva sashay:

Definitely more John Cleese than Queen Bee

And while we're on the topic of Benedict Cumberbatch trying and failing to do things, here's another clip from the same episode, in which Norton forced him to deal with his complete inability to say the word "penguin":

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Twelve U.S. soldiers somehow cram themselves into a single porta-potty.

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Occupied!

I cannot imagine when a skill like this would become necessary—and I really, really hope that I never find out—but it does bring me some level of comfort knowing that the brave men and women serving this country can deploy an entire squad of soldiers into a single portable toilet should national security ever require such a thing:

Oh, beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain... [brushes away single tear].

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Screaming inside.

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