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Bit-O-Honey

Two bears had what looks like a drunken bar fight on the suburban streets of New Jersey.

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It's always about a girl.

Good news! If you live in New Jersey and can't resist the idea of taking a bear selfie, you may be able to get one in your own front yard. The video below, captured by a Rockaway, New Jersey, resident in August and uploaded to YouTube this week, shows two adult male bears clawing at, biting, and wrestling each other in the front yards of several homes. 

Kelcey Burguess, a biologist with the New Jersey Division of Fish and Wildlife, told NJ.com that the bears are "probably fighting or playing because there's a good-looking lady in the area. It's really common to have fights during mating season." It's less common to have those fights in the street next to cars and mailboxes, but Burguess says residents shouldn't worry—the behavior is totally normal.

When updated on the ongoing bear infestation throughout the state, Governor Chris Christie yelled at some bears. 

Head over to NJ.com to see some really adorable photos of bear cubs playing on a New Jersey playground. Also, do not move to New Jersey.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Taylor Swift made demonic cat noises on television.

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The cat-noise-maker in question.

Sorry to interrupt your day. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't a matter of tantamount importance. You might be a tad annoyed at this intrusion upon your valuable time now, but I am quite certain that you will be grateful to me after you've heard me out.

Here it is: Taylor Swift made some really scary-sounding cat noises on Canadian TV's etalk recently. Don't worry; I accept your apology. Now, here's the video for you to watch seven or twelve times in a row:

Unfortunately, as a compatriot of Ms. Swift, access to the Canadian chat show's video catalogue is not available to me, so I can't watch the full video of the interview and give you a better context for the lovely young pop star's terrifying demonic feline outburst. 

I'm just going to have to assume that in the course of recording and mixing the singer's new album, 1989, executive producer Max Martin inadvertently opened a wormhole between our world and a nearby shadow realm. The demon cats to which Swift refers probably wandered in through that interdimensional gateway. I'm pretty sure you can hear their unholy caterwauling on the new single "Welcome to New York."  

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Perfect pair.

What Terrifies 20-Somethings On Halloween.

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Night of the Living Dead Zone.

The current crop of 20-somethings are too jaded and self-centered to be frightened by anything that isn't right in front of them. ISIS? Someone else's problem, bro. Ebola? #Zzzzz. Young people are bombarded with so many violent images every day that most of them respond to a dangerous threat by recording it with their cell phones. "Pics or didn't happen!" For Millennials, there's only one thing more frightening than death, and that's being disconnected.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This K-9 puppy named after a psychotic criminal has captured America's heart.

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You've got big, hopefully not-deranged shoes to fill.

It may be National Cat Day (also known as Wednesday on the Internet), but little Tuco here has been the cutest thing on the web all week. This image of him at 9 weeks old wearing the oversized bulletproof Boston PD K-9 vest he will hopefully one day wear as an adult was a huge sensation online after the non-profit group Vest-A-Dog posted it on Facebook to promote their 2015 calendar. It really took off after being posted on reddit on Monday, leading to the furball getting his own article in Boston Magazine.

He was originally named Batman and that was what Vest-A-Dog first called him on Facebook, but that was apparently too law-abiding a name for Patrol Officer Tom Caisey, a dog handler and 22-year veteran of the BPD (and the pair of shoes you see in the photo). Caisey renamed the dog Tuco immediately after a friend gave him to Caisey to raise to be his next "work dog." Tuco is, of course, a reference to Tuco Salamanca, the crazed meth dealer from Breaking Bad who operated primarily on rage and getting high on his own supply. "Tuco was the crazy drug dealer," Caisey confirmed to Boston, "It's been Tuco since I've had him, since eight weeks ago." Fortunately, the current Tuco seems like a much more happy-go-lucky type.

Tuco is now six months old, but he still has a long ways to go before he'll learn whether or not he can wear that bulletproof vest for real. "It depends on the dog and how he matures. I’m doing foundation work with him now, and in a couple of months I’ll know if he will make it as a work dog, and when he will start his formal training," Caisey told Boston. "I’m doing little things with him now, but no formalized training will start until later." Good luck, little guy. Here's hoping they don't train you with a bell, like Tio.

Proceeds from Vest-A-Dog's calendar will go towards providing training and equipment, like bulletproof vests, for police dogs in Massachusetts.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Hello Kitty arrested for drunk driving,

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Hello Kitty, bye bye driver's license. (Via Gorham P.D.)

It's that time of year again when all of our criminal activities are masked with... masks. 

Today's costumed criminal is: Hello Kitty.

A woman dressed as the Japanese cute-splosion was arrested in Portland, Maine for adorably driving in the wrong lane.

Carrie Gipson, 37, was pulled over by traffic cops at 2am, and was drunk as a skunk (but not a cat.) She is now charged with operating under the influence and with wearing the bow on the wrong side of her head. Such a mix-up has caused investigators to look into whether the incident was actually caused by Hello Kitty's twin sister, Mimmy

It is unclear weather miss Gipson has a previous record, however this is probably not the first offense for Miss Kitty, who has her own line of AK-47s.

(by Myka Fox)


"Robust" thief robbed a pharmacy by squirting her breast milk at the staff.

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Mammaries, squirt the corners of my mouth.

A woman in Germany just knocked off a pharmacy with her knockers. 

The recent mother, described by police as "robust," and renamed by me as "RoboBust," decided to turn her maternity leave into a maternity thieve when she walked into a pharmacy and asked to buy a breast pump. She paid for the $25 pump with a bill worth almost ten times that amount and then lifted her shirt, pulled out a tit, and sprayed the pharmacist in the face.

According to The Local, staff and customers begged the lactating lady to holster her squirt gun, but she continued milking it as she rummaged through a display case and cash register.

After a final squirt, the woman made a hasty getaway. The pharmacist noticed only about $125 missing from the register. 

She didn't even steal the breast pump, probably to save that milk for her next crime. Breast vs. bottle feeding is a controversial topic among parenting experts, but as any good thief will tell you, mammo ammo is really only effective when it comes directly from the nipple. 

Police say the woman was speaking in an unrecognizable language and described her behavior as "almost unbelievable."

Milk. It also does a robbery good.

(by Myka Fox)

Place your bets! Family with 12 boys is expecting another child, will it be a girl?

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 It's another baby! (Via Grand Rapids Press

Bookmakers, get out your books. It's time to start taking bets on the Schwandt family's most recent pregnancy. After delivering 12 boys over the last 20 years, Kateri and Jay Schwandt have yet to make a girl. Will this new fetus be the firstus? 

Dad Jay, the Y-chromosomed guilty party in this testosterone fest, told the Grand Rapids Press that he would like a girl. “I’ve experienced all the boy stuff," he said. "As long as we are having all these children, it would be really neat to experience the other side.” 

Kateri, the perma-mom of Michigan, sees it differently, "If we were to have a girl, I think we would go into shock,” she said. “It would probably be disbelief.”

Mom doesn't even think she's going to have a girl, which is the closest source you could get. But is she too close to the fetus to have some perspective? Additionally, she would be inclined to throw the results. Katari doesn't mind being the only woman around all that testosterone, and told the Press that, “A little girl would be neat to have in the house, but a little boy kind of takes the pressure off. We know what we are doing. Why change things up?”


Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.
(Via Grand Rapids Press)

So, they've both agreed that having a daughter would be "neat," but does that affect the odds? After gestating twelve boys, this woman has had more penises inside her than Madonna. 

Kateri's satisfaction with the status quo makes sense from a woman who is practically never not pregnant. The Schwandt family is Catholic and do not believe in birth control. “I love being pregnant,” she said. “I’ve spent half of my life being pregnant. It’s very neat and very special.” 

Neat.

If they do have a girl, whoever she dates better look out. With twelve older brothers to answer to, the only man good enough to talk to her would be the Pope. 

Get your bets in now. The mystery baby is expected to arrive May 9th, 2015.

(by Myka Fox)

Fox News to air interview with "The Man Who Killed Usama Bin Laden."

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Revealed over two hours, starting seductively at his shoulder.

Whether you like Fox News or not, a headline like this reminds you that the phrase "great television" has very little to do with what any individual person considers "great." According to the Fox News Insider, the channel's official blog, a new "Fox News Documentary" will air on Wednesday, Nov. 11th and Thursday, Nov. 12th entitled "The Man Who Killed Usama Bin Laden." It is spelled like that because Fox News policy requires everything be spelled the way Brit Hume pronounces it. We're all still psyched that OBL (or UBL if you're a Fox viewer) is out of the picture, and if a war hero wants to come forward and tell his story in the context of a cable news documentary about special forces raids on America's enemies? Like I said, great TV is great TV, and this looks like great TV.

(This shouldn't surprise you, but there will be a 30 second GOP ad before the 30 second clip)

This story would make waves on any channel, but something is always going to feel weird around Fox News and this topic. It's at the center of the tension between Fox's hyper-patriotism and its intrinsic opposition to the guy currently in the White House. They (fairly) tried to turn Obama's constant reminders about it into a liability, and went full throttle by accusing the administration of making SEAL Team Six a target by crediting them, leading to an insurgent attack on one of their helicopters. But they achieved some balance of their own by revealing the true name of one of the SEALs who wrote a book about the raid.

We'll see if this influences the questions they have about how the soldier feels about the Commander-in-Chief who sent him into battle. Or maybe enough time has passed that Fox can settle into the lame-duck honeymoon phase of not caring if something happened under Obama anymore. Either way, I'm intrigued and will definitely tune in...to Twitter later to see whether I should watch it.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Wince as this dude pulls a huge splinter out of his buddy's leg with a pair of pliers.

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His medical plan has a 40-ounce copay.

This video is not for the squeamish. It's really only for the kind of people who enjoy the Saw movie franchise and fans of schadenfreude. Because the 2-inch splinter this guy pulls out of his buddy's leg looks brutal. It's the kind of wound that should probably be handled by someone in the medical profession, as opposed to a shirtless pal who happens to have some tools handy. I hope Dr. Bro at least cleaned the pliers before beginning the procedure, because otherwise that wound could become infected. And that would require an even more painful procedure, involving a knife, a rag, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Soldiers deployed abroad give their porn a proper burial with full military honors.

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I want to pitch this as a 12-part mini-series to HBO.

Look, is this really immature? Yes. Were they supposed to have the porn? No. Do I know how Heidi Montag ended up on the list? Not exactly, although "porn" seems to include copies of FHM for soldiers abroad, which tells you something about how lonely these charming boys must be (and the fact that they're all magazines tells you about their Internet situation). It's hard to say what my favorite part of this is: the guy reading the names of these "princesses of the page," the kid in the middle who is taking his duties very seriously, or the axe-wielding guy who wimpers as each one burns.

(Maybe a bit NSFW when he holds up one or two of the magazines, if you have really good vision.)

The video was originally uploaded in 2009 and claims these dudes are from "FOB Eagle," and that they had to dispose of all their porn before a new unit arrived to relieve them. There were forward operating bases with that name in both Afghanistan and Iraq, and I'm not qualified to guess from the limited background imagery which one this is from. But really, isn't it from every war? Every war with porn, anyway?

(by Johnny McNulty)

This is what it's like for a white man to spend 10 hours walking around New York City.

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Is networking the only thing they think we're good for?

Yesterday, a woman started a national conversation about sexual harassment when she uploaded a hidden-camera video showcasing the dozens of times that she received unwanted attention from strange men over the course of ten hours spent minding her business on the streets of New York City. 

But that only told half the story. What about the men who spend hours walking amongst the throngs of people who call New York their home? What do they experience? Turns out it's very different, but equally disturbing. And it involves a lot of football for some reason:

As a white man who spent spent years as a citizen of New York City, I can assure you that this is highly accurate. Except for the part with the football and the free food and the people being nice to you and anybody acknowledging your existence or basic humanity. Besides those few things, very accurate.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Foreign aid.


6 new contenders for the hugest drama queen on Facebook.

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Okay, but you really shouldn't have a Facebook account.(VIa)

We know it shouldn't be a shock that there are drama queens on Facebook, but these infuriating users are are becoming a scourge, making the world's most self-absorbed medium even less tolerable with every intentionally cryptic, overwrought status update. Everyone has at least ten friends like this who constantly court concern with updates about how "you" broke my heart and now "life just isn't worth living," and they know they can get a dozen comments from their gullible, similarly theatrical friends by typing nothing more than a simple "Ugh!" The crybabies included here are just a small sampling of a growing Facebook population that must be stopped! (Sorry if we got a little over-dramatic at the end there.)


May I pretty please take an infant to Dallas while there is Ebola?(Via)

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Is posting vague attention-whoring statuses your best or worst, broda? (Via)

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But you seem to be just getting started.(Via)

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The southside is a land where long, dramatic statements mean absolutely nothing. (Via)

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Speaking hypothetically, I'd keep it off my social network.(Via)

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Updated 8/25/14:


Those are tears of joy...over how much attention I'm getting right now.(via)

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Sounds excessive, but the only way to raise awareness is through firing squads. (Via)

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If you want to start trouble but are in hurry, just call people who lost their baby whiners. (Via)

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Some people can't get the hint when their friends don't want to see them in a wet t-shirt. (Via)

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Look, family court is crowded. Might as well sort it all out in a comments thread.(Via)

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YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN!!!(Via)

Updated 7/20/14:


They don't even have to make sense to piss each other off. That's closeness.(Via)



You would make your aunts very proud. Also, do snakes make drama? (Via)

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Hard to keep track.(Via)

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Who would do such a thing? (Via)

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The usual? How often do you do battle with the world (and lose)? (Via)

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His next vague complaint is going to be about people who demand elaboration. (Via)

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Updated 6/22/14:


Your emoticon looks like it still has a few more tears left.(Via)


Seagulls hate being brought into vague attention-getting statuses. (Via)



You two can work through this. Let us watch.(Via)



Nana hijacks another attempted vaguebooking. (Via)



You could just go with the "off" button. Less swimming. (Via)



On Facebook, who can maintain a positive outlook for 20 whole minutes?(Via)


Updated 5/21/14:


How do they have time for boyfriends? There's so much public fighting to do!(Via)


At least post a haul video of what you spent the money on. (Via)


No idea what they're fighting over and hope to never find out. (Via)


The dance is called "Flight Of The Attention-Starved Vaguebooker." (Via)


But her broken heart is at least 14 or 15. (Via)


Quit making DRAFA.(Via)

Updated 4/6/14:


Poor thing. Why can't the wealthy ever catch a break! (via)


The suicide rate among dumb Gods has been skyrocketing. (Via)

 


And if you visit my Tumblr you can find out how to make amends.(Via)

 


Fine. I'll say it. Your statuses are way too vague.(Via)

 


Sometimes a whiny rant is also a cry for help.

 


How can I get on that list?

 

Updated 3/17/14:


We hurt the ones who try to help.

 


Someone besides the ex. Include the fine print and you won't need follow-ups.

 


Sometimes, the tale time tells is a real bummer.(via Rachael T.)

 


Hopefully the one that's "worse" [sic] your tears will make you cry by correcting your typos.

 


Man. Hate to see how you'd take it if you dropped your laptop.

 


Wait, are all of you planning to off yourselves tonight? We appreciate you! Chill out!

 

Updated 2/18/14:


They must have all requested that they be blocked.

 


Those 4 likes are from people who hate a loud, noisy death.

 


Cryers gonna cry.

 


Posting vague, attention-seeking statuses is the epitome of letting life happen, apparently.

 


So many threats today. This winter is getting to everybody.

 


Can't talk now, byeeeeeeee!

 

Updated 1/15/14:


Until then, happy holidays! (Via User "Whimsy")

 


It's not a felony until it crosses 450% illegal. (Via)

 


I don't want to ask you about it. *Feeling indifferent* (Via)

 


If only she had the two-faced bitch's email, we'd be spared this.(Via)

 


1 Like. Things are looking up! (Via)

 


How anyone could find fault in your child-rearing skills is beyond me! (Via)

 

Updated 12/9/13:


Just when we thought we were in, you push us back out!

 


Finally, someone speaks up for the thin. Enough of the low BMI bullying!

 


One good way to rationalize why you're never called nor texted. (Thanks Katie M)

 


It's honestly just some research I'm working on. Also, AM I WANTED?

 


I'm in a bad mood because of whatever put you in a good mood this morning.

 


Wow! Starting shit with someone for being a great person. That's how you hunt down drama.

 

Updated 11/11/13:


Betting that 1 thing might be "LMS IF YOU'LL TAKE ME BACK!!!!"

 


You made it home alive! Make sure to take your knife if you go to the bathroom to brush before bed.

 


I don't mean to complain, but man those complainers are something!

 


So, you just said you hope you die soon. You know that right?

 


The news is always full of #Sundayfails. Why not report on some #Sundaysuccesses?

 


Only certain Tims make me cry. Tiny Tim. Tim Allen. Tim Tebow.

 

Updated 10/21/13:


Cool. Thanks for sharing! *UNFRIEND*

 


Someone screencapped their "I trusted you" status and made fun of it on the Internet?

 


Gonna have to be a lil' more specific. Lot of bad shit going down lately.

 


Let's keep Facebook away from famine victims, cool? They don't need to read this.

 


Gladly!

 


You can never talk too anyone. You always talk just enough anyone for our taste.

 

Updated 9/16/13:


Birch away, girlfriend!

 


Suicide notes were way more eloquent before the invention of texting.

 


You have to learn to love crying. 

 


First go back and kill Hitler! Then deal with your ex. Priorities!

 


You should put an Ace bandage on that head ace.

 


You were missed. The seconds you were away felt like full minutes!

 

Updated 8/15/13:


Have a good trip?

 


Great! If you don't want to talk about it then let me tell you about my WONDERFUL morning!!!

 


What if I'm not sure if I'm involved? Can I ask if I'm involved? I WANNA BE INVOLVED!

 


MOOOOOM! Stop posting on my friends' engagement party invite wall!

 


That'll do it!

 


No one values friendship anymore. Or marriage. Or...fidelity to ex-girlfriends? I'm lost.

 

Updated 7/16/13:


Not as sorry as your friends are for adding you.

 


K byeeeeeeeee!

 


I crave attention. No need to like. It's readily apparent.

 


U other guys, though, what u guys all hate me?!!!

 


Aw come on. Just one whiff?

 


Congratulations on directly confronting "someone."

 

Updated 6/1913:


Perhaps she was being kind. Cassidy might prefer chodes. They are adorable, after all.

 


This middle school wants to keep us apart. We shan't let them.

 


I send them messages like, "Hey stupid fuck. Not popular enough for you?"

 


We always keep both feet planted firmly on the ground while chatting.

 


Times like this, all we need is our family of plush toys we keep in our read windshield.

 


Pretty sure someone made love to the wrong person. The rest is mystery.

 

Updated 5/15/13:


Why don't you just forward this message to him? After translating into English of course.

 


So, should I take my dick out of my ass now? I want to help!

 


This actually makes sense to us. Life should never be thought about. It's no good.

 


Does the old Kay have access to a working keyboard by chance?

 


Can't imagine why they'd leave you.

 


Just staring up at a leak in the ceiling. Anyway, how are you?

 

Updated 4/15/13:


The drama queen giveth, the drama queen taketh away.

 


You know, you can just go ahead and post this directly on Child Services's page.

 


Don't stop, go.

 


And not if the game involves speaking directly toward whomever you're pissed off at.

 


We're sure she appreciates this tribute to her memory.

 


Vague statuses like this make all your friends' FB walls feel like that punching bag.

 

Updated 3/13/13:


Move to New York. People walk down the street crying all the time and no one says a word.

 


We get the gist.

 


It's better to have <3 and </3 than to have never <3 at all.

 


RIP most of your Facebook friendships.

 


We'll try harder to be a "gentleman and shit." Want some flowers or bullshit like that?

 


We're unfriending you. Just popped into our head!
 

Updated 2/15/13:


Peeing yourself? You're sh*tting me.

 


Everyone in this thread is a child molester.
 


We don't want to hurt you, Miranda, but that's a pretty awful smile.
 


Brohoof (n) - Fist bump between men who like My Little Pony. So, yeah, no one understands.
 


Obnoxiously Manic Girl?!
 


The person who liked the "pissed on" joke might really die if they saw the pee-pants post.
 


We can't believe those two people gave pity likes against their direct wishes!

Updated 1/15/13:


Oh right. Every hour on the hour.
 


I'm either going to unsubscribe or unfriend you today. Not a joke.

 


She knows she can upload video of her crying too, right? Quit half-assing it!

 


Seek no more, young journeyman, for your bullshit has been found.

 


You're only done with the drama because you used it all up in this post.

 


You can cram a lifetime into a single month. And a lifetime of self-pity into a single status update.

 


There are sadness-concealing face creams you can use if you get sick of putting on smiles.

 


Your plan has backfired. What's wrong?

 

Updated 11/13/12:


Or worse, did you post something self-involved and stupid where you can be publicly mocked?

 


The saddest part is he sounds like 90% of adults on Facebook.
 


Is "swag" a term for the letter O now? Because that's what you're missing.

 


And being a whiny loser is the highlight of mine, so lay off!
 


I wasnt going to say anything, but I'm gonna say a lot. Not like a dumb 16-year-old.
 


We feel like committing sadness after reading this post.

Posted 10/18/12:


But most importantly, learn grammar before you die.
 


Always remember other people have it worse. Like war vets and bored kids.
 

Wut's dat? Lemme luk it up in my thezoris.
 


We are focusing on our work, and we bet you feel like an idiot.
 

 

 

 

 

 

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Human resourcefulness.

Bump in the night.

Treadmill

14 ways that you're being "basic" and don't even know it.

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So basic.

No one wants to be basic. But some of the lists you'll find online don't go far enough to warn people of all the times they're at risk of exhibiting basic behavior. Sure, we all know that drinking a Starbucks latte can quickly turn someone cool into the most basic of basic human beings. However, everyone on the planet seems to enjoy a Starbucks latte. What if everyone is more basic than they thought? 

Don't be alarmed. Here is a comprehensive list of all the things that make a person basic, with helpful alternative behaviors you can adopt so no one can ever label you basic ever again:

-If you like sleep, you're basic. The only time you should use a mattress is to store money.

-If you like sex, you're basic. You should internalize all your sexual energy and convert it into charcoal sketches of horses.

-If you like exercise, you're basic. The only time you should purposefully exert energy is when you're in mortal danger or while engaged in an obscure religious ritual.

-If you eat food, you're basic. You should only live on tree bark and old action figure limbs.

-If you like shelter, you're basic. You should make a blanket out of IKEA bags and sleep under the stars each night, no matter the weather.

-If you like drinking water, you're basic. You should be hydrated solely by puling apart cacti with your bare hands and drinking what's inside.

-If you like bathing/showering, you're basic. You should only clean yourself by swimming in the ocean during catch-your-own dinner scuba dives.

-If you would call 9-11 during an emergency, you're basic. Be original and stop the crime yourself, no weapons.

-If you like social interactions of any kind, you're basic. The only public place you should visit is the movie theater. When it's closed. And don't try to watch any of the movies, just sit quietly in the empty theater.

-If you have a job, you're basic. You should either inherit all your money from an eccentric millionaire uncle or live on the streets.

-If you listen to music, you're basic. You should only listen to leaking faucets and bird sounds.

-If you like cute pets (puppies, kittens, etc), you're basic. You should only keep large birds of prey that require falconry gloves to handle.

-If you like being punctual, you're basic. You should only be on time when you know the other person isn't going to show up at all. Then you have the upper hand. 

-If you call someone basic, you're basic. If you read this list, you're basic. You shouldn't have to read about how basic you are to know you're basic. You're basic.

(by Dan Wilbur, images by Cole Mitchell)

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