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What your pets honestly think of their Halloween costumes.

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(image via Thinkstock)

Every year around this time, dogs all over the country have to endure the humiliating ordeal of being dressed up in costumes they don't like, in order to please humans. Because they are unable to speak English, America's pets are forced to suffer in silence. But if dogs had the ability to tell their owners how they really felt about dressing up for Halloween, this is what we imagine they'd say.


(image via Thinkstock)


(image via Thinkstock)



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(by Jonathan Corbett)


Sweet finish.

Little terrors.

HR nightmare.

Dead best.

Friday the 13th

Apparition

Chelsea Handler kept trying to post this pic of her boobs last night but Instagram kept taking it down.

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The Cold War just got a little nippier. (Via Instagram)

Last night, Chelsea Handler decided to expose the hypocrisy of what constitutes acceptable human nudity by posting a topless picture of herself on a horse à la Putin. She placed the shot in a side-by-side comparison with the Russian's now infamous original, and accompanied it with the caption, "Anything a man can do, a woman has the right to do better #kremlin."


Putin' on the tits. (Via Instagram)

Her pic was posted uncensored, but we had to cover her up due to this being a family-friendly domain where you can get your web fails nudity-free (part of the problem?).

The Instagram overlords took the post down within half an hour. She tried again and reposted the image, this time with the caption, "Taking this down is sexist. I have every right to prove I have a better body than Putin." 

After all, is America land of the free nipples, or isn't it? Plus, she has a way better tan.

The photo-sharing conglomerate removed her post again, and sent her this message, which Handler posted to her account with the caption, "If a man posts a photo of his nipples, it's ok, but not a woman? Are we in 1825?."

If a man posts a photo of his nipples, it's ok, but not a woman? Are we in 1825?

Uma foto publicada por Chelsea Handler (@chelseahandler) ligar

I'm trying to recall what happened in 1825, is that when boobs were invented?

How could they accuse her of not caring about "keeping Instagram safe?" She's wearing a helmet!

Handler let loose her dangerous nipples a third time with a new caption, "If instagram takes this down again, you're saying Vladimir Putin Has more 1st amendment rights than me. Talk to your bosses." 

The picture Commies took the photo down again. 

Beyond the ridiculousness of Putin's tits being allowed to roam free across the pages of every major publication while Handler has to hide hers, even her own Instagram feed features unadulterated male nudity. This naked dude parasailing has been up on her Instagram feed for a week.

TL;DR: Man's nipples and ass cheeks good, woman's nipples bad.

Mr. Instagram, tear down this firewall!

(by Myka Fox)


Baby girl crawls for the first time to reach family dog, gets slobbery reward.

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Bad baby. My bone.

This little baby girl was captured on video by her parents crawling for the first time ever. For a while, her dog seems confused—that squeaky, wiggly thing can move? Then he turns to her as if to ask: "Yes? What can I do for you, Baby?" Finally, he can't wait any longer and meets her halfway with some encouraging dog slobber.

The music on this one is a little sappy, so you might want to mute it and play this instead.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Mourning wood.

A cellist and a beatboxer met on an airplane and had an impromptu jam session in the sky.

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Ladies and gentlemen, the beat is in for some turbulence.

You wouldn't think the phrase "two guys met on a plane, then one of them broke out a bow and the other one started making inhuman noises with his mouth" describes a pleasant flight, but it turns out you'd be wrong. Ecuadorian virtuoso cellist Fracisco Vila, a member of the Sphinx Virtuosi Orchestra, and Maximillian the Beatboxer, who also goes by Maxbeatbox, met each other on a Southwest flight, and like many people, they got bored. That turned out to be a great gift to the rest of the passengers when the duo used the cabin phone to broadcast an impromptu cross-genre jam session.

This video was posted and directed by Maximillian, who is in fact a Southwest Airlines attendant with the not-surprising nickname, "The Beatboxing Attendant." His Facebook page does include a lot of music events, so it looks like he's on the make, nevertheless he definitely has a day job (and a good sense of humor about it).


I don't think Southwest pays him specifically to make the videos, they probably just let him and rake in the good feels, but at this point I don't even care because companies employing beatboxers to be cool with classical musicians is not one of the world's pressing problems.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Undying love.

Tootsie Roll

Great trick.

Point-Counterpoint: Halloween Is Terrible / No It's Not

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Halloween Is Terrible 

by Bob Powers

On one of my more enjoyable Halloweens, I began the evening surrounded by about eight teenagers in masks pummeling me with a barrage of eggs. They began by throwing them, then they got in close and started slapping them against my body until it was pretty much an 8-on-1 street fight. I look back on this Halloween fondly, since being jumped before 7 PM gave me the perfect excuse to not go out at all that night.

Halloween is wonderful for children. Children still have the ability to imagine and dream, and they get to dress up as those things they dream about and there's candy.

For adults, the ability to dream is long dead, so Halloween is nothing more than a night to get drunk while wearing a mask. The people you don't want to see at the bar come out in droves, and they're even louder and more abrasive because they're dressed up as Ron Burgundy or a Sexy Ebola Nurse, and they believe that substitutes for having a tolerable personality.

It's harder to drink while in costume. If you have a mask on, you have to lift it up or take it off to get the alcohol in your body. If you are wearing makeup, it's probably cheap and toxic and it's mixing with the alcohol that you're putting in your body. If you're holding a prop or wearing gloves or something else over your hands, it's harder to hold on to your drink, adding yet another spooky hurdle between alcohol and the inside of your body.

Wearing a costume sucks. It itches and is too hot and you end up walking home holding it in your hands or letting it drag around behind you in tatters. The streets at the end of the night are more menacing and fights happen more easily because not only is everyone drunk, they're in masks.

In conclusion, it's harder to drink and you're better off getting beaten up and egged by urchins. Adult Halloween is gross and terrible

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No It's Not 

by Shira Rachel Danan

I love Halloween. Every year, as soon as the corner store starts stocking bags of mini candy bars, I buy a ton, and when I get home, I tuck them away in a convenient kitchen drawer so I can eat them all month long. Let the festivities begin!

Halloween is the least stressful holiday of the holiday season. It's the one holiday for which you don't have to travel, buy gifts, or make small talk with your extended family. You don't have to see your family at all! Halloween isn't for family; it's for sweaty strangers who want to make out.

As a kid, I loved dressing up for Halloween, even that year I dressed up like a princess and found out the hard way that everyone else had moved on to being hippies and gangsters (How did they all know it was time?!). The weather was always perfectly crisp as we traipsed from house to house, enjoying the delicious freedom, and then came home to gorge ourselves on chocolate.

Now some would argue Halloween is for kids, and adults should stick to adult activities, like wiping down their cubicles with disinfectant. But I say being an adult sucks, and we've earned the right to dress up like sexy ice buckets and puke in front of bars for just one night. Winter will be here soon, and we'll all be bundled up for months; before then, let's wear as little clothing as possible.

I met a guy at a Halloween party once. I caught his eye across the room and it was love at first sight. He wasn't wearing a costume; neither was I. We talked all night, minus an interruption where he had to run down the street to pee since the hostess had shut herself in the bathroom to vomit. When he came back, I was still there, waiting for him. And well, this year, our son is dressing up as a frog.

In conclusion, is there another holiday you can think of that routinely calls for the use of dry ice?

The opinions expressed in this heated exchange are those of their authors only and do not represent the views, policies, or erotic proclivities of someecards inc.


Master of disguise.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - October 31, 2014

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1. Terrifying Report Shows That The World's Wealthiest Are Devouring All The Money

The 85 wealthiest people in the world make approximately $500K per minute and $668 million dollars a day, according to a new report from Oxfam International. It also shows that there are now twice as many billionaires in the world as there were before the global economic crisis began in 2009. So, the bad news is that the global pool of money is being sucked upward. The good news is that there are way more rich people to toss us coins while we grovel in the street.


2. Lockheed Martin Mad Scientist Reveals Existence Of Aliens From Beyond The Grave

Extraterrestrials have visited Earth, according to the death bed confession of a man who claimed to be an Lockheed Martin engineer. The 78-year-old alleged aerospace engineer who said he had "top secret clearance" explained in a recently released video that the alien beings are "approximately four and a half to five feet tall" with "three back bones" and the ability to communicate telepathically. Sounds plausible aside from the height thing. Call me a skeptic, but I just don't buy an alien standing more than three-feet tall.


3. Ghost Of Marvin Gaye Wins First Round Of Legal Battle Over Scarily Sexist Robin Thicke Song

Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams are one step closer to losing the legal battle over their 2013 hit song "Blurred Lines," after a federal judge denied their motion that the court find that the song did not borrow heavily from the 1977 Marvin Gaye classic "Got to Give It Up." We can probably assume their case started falling apart shortly after the judge got around to listening to the two songs.


4. Stephen Colbert Shocks Audience By Proclaiming The Day His Show Will Die

Stephen Colbert has set Thursday, December 18 as the date for the final episode of The Colbert Report. The faux-conservative political commentator will end his nine-year run on the groundbreaking show he created for Comedy Central at the height of his popularity before taking over for David Letterman and becoming yet another white dude with a late night talk show.


5. Starbucks Warns Consumers That It Will Find Out Where They Live And Track Them Down With A Foul-Tasting Brew

Starbucks announced that it will soon begin delivering its coffee-based beverages to customers' homes, because opening locations inside every house in America was apparently unfeasible.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Google accidentally looked down a woman's shirt on Street View and now they owe her $2,000.

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Looks like someone did some CSI-style enhancing on this photo. (via)

I remember being excited when the Google Street View car first mapped my neighborhood, and going online to see what my street looked like in the virtual world. For most people like me, it was a feeling best described as "neato." For Maria Pia Grillo of Montreal, Canada, however, that day in 2009 was the source of life-changing torment, as the Street View car had happened to catch her on her stoop, leaning forward to check her phone. Yes, leaning forward to check her phone. You know what that means.

Her cleavage, or décolletage as they say in Quebec, was on full display, and apparently Grillo's coworkers at a "well-known bank" took ample notice of her bosom, according to the Journal de Montreal. In what seems like should be a separate sexual harassment suit, Grillo was subjected to jokes and mockery once her colleagues deduced (her face was blurred) which house was hers, leading her to depression and eventually quitting her job. She did, however, wait two years to start her lawsuit and originally sought $45,000.


The house as it appears on Google now. (via)

Google claimed that being in her front yard voided Grillo's right to privacy, and that probably would have won in the United States, but judge Alain Breault advocated a "European approach" to personal privacy and agreed that Grillo's right to privacy was violated by not being blurred more (her whole house is blurred now). "In addition to malicious comments and humiliation she suffered at work, the plaintiff, in particular, has experienced a significant loss of personal modesty and dignity, two values that she held and are eminently respectable," said Breault (translated from French). Brealt did not agree with Grillo's damage claims of mental distress, however, which is why she only received $2,250 (plus $159 in legal fees), which is $2141.25 American (real) dollars.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to stand around checking my phone in extremely short shorts outside.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Does the carpet match the drapes?

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She's a killer with the crotch-bow. (Via Daily Bez)

There is an incorrect assumption going around that pubic hair is always the same color as head hair.

It's not. 

Even so, when someone suspects a woman of dying her hair, they go about finding out by asking, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" Which is not only a totally gross thing to ask a stranger, but also, given our recent grooming trends, would probably only be the case if the woman they are asking is bald.

Just in time for Halloween, bush supporter Ashley Bezgin, AKA Bez, AKA "Grilled Cheeses," is answering that question to the max with her photo series Carpet + Drapes: A Body Hair Love Story.

As long as you have a vacuum, grow that carpet as long and luscious as you please. 


Blonde leading the blonde. (Via Daily Bez)

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Green Acres is the place for her. (Via Daily Bez)

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Does the carpet match the Fu Manchu? (Via Daily Bez)

I've.. er... trimmed the selection, but Bez has plenty more pics celebrating wigs and body hair on her website.  

(by Myka Fox)

20 Truly Terrifying Jack-O'-Lanterns

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