This video of seniors dancing to Turn Down For What will see you through this Monday.

November 17, 2014, 11:33 am

≫ Next: Micropenis

≪ Previous: This church band leader flipped out and smashed his guitar in the middle of a song.

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Um, is this what the AARP initiation party looks like? Because if so, I'll keep living.

The video editors over at Tastefully Offensive apparently saw the rainy forecast for much of the nation's Monday today and decided to do us a favor by splicing together dozens of old people with surprisingly crunk moves. Considering the fact that most of them probably need hearing aids, it's no surprise that they're reluctant to turn down for anything, or else they'd have to turn their ears up even further.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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Micropenis

November 17, 2014, 9:25 pm

≫ Next: Etsy

≪ Previous: This video of seniors dancing to Turn Down For What will see you through this Monday.

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Etsy

November 17, 2014, 9:25 pm

≫ Next: Another douchebag fakes his own kidnapping just to avoid his girlfriend.

≪ Previous: Micropenis

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Another douchebag fakes his own kidnapping just to avoid his girlfriend.

November 17, 2014, 12:56 pm

≫ Next: This dog is rightfully terrified of his human in a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man costume.

≪ Previous: Etsy

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"Come on, this has to work." (File photo)

When your boyfriend would rather fake his own kidnapping than meet up, he's just not that into you.

Arizona 22-year-old Justin Sarten must not be that into his gf, because when she was trying to get ahold of him Thursday night, he sent her texts saying he had been kidnapped in Tempe. Sarten's gf must have been close with his mom, because it was his frightened mom who called police on his behalf.

According to AZ Family, Justin the liar corroborated his story by sending law enforcement texting messages saying, "he had been kidnapped and was in a vehicle heading south on the 202 freeway."

Then, to keep his story up, he kept updating the cops, and told them that his kidnappers had made a stop on Hunt Highway in San Tan Valley. 

Of course, the police were able to find him.

What are you frickin' doing, kid?? If you want to be free from your significant other, you gotta be a little more mysterious than that. Maybe he just wanted the cops to help him with the breakup.

They caught up with Justin and his "kidnappers" in a store in San Tan Valley, where he had to admit that he willingly got into the car so that his friends would not be arrested for kidnapping. 

Justin was arrested for falsely reporting a kidnapping. 

Good, you dumb coward. If you thought it was hard turning down your girlfriend, good luck turning down your fellow inmates. 

What's with all these guys being too afraid to just break up? Some drunk loser did the exact same thing last August to his girl so he could stay out and party, and a few months ago, a wet turd was so scared of calling off his own wedding that he faked his own death. 

I wouldn't be surprised if Stonehenge was put together as an excuse for some druids to get out of going to their in-laws house for Thanksgiving.

(by Myka Fox)

This dog is rightfully terrified of his human in a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man costume.

November 17, 2014, 12:59 pm

≫ Next: Never, ever, ever watch this video of a doctor removing hundreds of live maggots from a man's ear!

≪ Previous: Another douchebag fakes his own kidnapping just to avoid his girlfriend.

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Dogs and marshmallows living together. Mass hysteria!

Luke Skywalker the Great Dane is terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. And with good reason:

So, we're all on this dog's side here, right? I mean, how many of us would not be a bit freaked out if we suddenly found a person-sized marshmallow walking down the stairs of our home? And, you know, it wouldn't make much of a difference if we recognized it as a costume. 

Actually, that might make it worse. A real-deal walking confection could be either good or evil. But a person approaching you in your home dressed as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters... You've got to assume you're dealing with a psychopathic murderer.

Luckily for Luke Skywalker here, he's not dealing with a psychopathic murderer. Just a couple of a super nerdy humans. The kind of people who would name a dog Luke Skywalker. Something tells me he deals with this kind of thing a lot.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Never, ever, ever watch this video of a doctor removing hundreds of live maggots from a man's ear!

November 17, 2014, 1:08 pm

≫ Next: Business card

≪ Previous: This dog is rightfully terrified of his human in a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man costume.

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Why in the world did you look at this image?!

Do not play the video below. Seriously, you hit the play button, you're going to regret it. You think I'm joking. I'm not joking. No!

I really shouldn't have to tell you this. You're a savvy-enough Internet user at this point that you should know to stay away from posts in which an Indian doctor tweezes countless live, writhing maggots from a person's ear. I mean, haven't you been suckered into clicking on your fill of Lemon Parties or Goatses at this point? When do you finally learn your lesson? I hope the answer to that is "already," because you seriously should not click on the link below.

You clicked on it, didn't you?

I know. I know. I did, too. It's really hard not to, isn't? Yes, I'm also ashamed.

Anyway, here's your eye bleach:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Business card

November 17, 2014, 9:25 pm

≫ Next: 'Rainbow Man' is the fake superhero movie that needs to happen.

≪ Previous: Never, ever, ever watch this video of a doctor removing hundreds of live maggots from a man's ear!

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'Rainbow Man' is the fake superhero movie that needs to happen.

November 17, 2014, 2:25 pm

≫ Next: Bruce Jenner and his son just crashed a $500K car.

≪ Previous: Business card

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Technically, black should contain all those colors, but it's still better science than Gravity.

With great superhero movies come great superhero movie parodies, you would think. To be honest, though, this is the first really enjoyable one I've seen in a long time. You think it's gonna be a lot of jokes about how rainbows are lame, but no. This guy has to go through a learning process with his powers that most movies gloss over, but frankly it's a pretty good guess as to what would happen to a normal person suddenly gifted with rainbow blasts coming out of his hands. Also, it's hilarious. In short, I'm pretty much saying that BadWeatherFilms and lead actor Logan Paul already deserve an award for "Rainbow Man," even though it's only a fake trailer. And by "award," I mean "money to actually make this."

Big ups to PixelStormFilms for the visual effects, as well. I'm glad it's almost sundown, because it's been raining all day and I am now terrified of rainbows. Check out this behind-the-scenes video to see a little more of how it was made.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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Bruce Jenner and his son just crashed a $500K car.

November 17, 2014, 2:35 pm

≫ Next: Here's Tony Hawk riding a real, actual hoverboard for real this time. No, seriously.

≪ Previous: 'Rainbow Man' is the fake superhero movie that needs to happen.

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Bruce and his boy refueling. (via Instagram)

Get a load of Bruce Jenner! Have you ever seen someone so happy after crashing a truck, let alone one that costs $500k? It looks like Bruce is handling the separation from his wife/manager/boss Kris pretty well. You know you're having a tough year in the press when the most positive story about you in months is about a truck crash.

Here's the half-a-million bucks that just got "Jenner'd":

A photo posted by Burt Jenner (@bjenner) on Nov 11, 2014 at 11:52am PST

Bruce and his son Burt were taking part in the Baja 1000, an off-road race through the Mexican desert, when Bruce drove their truck into a ditch at the 170-mile mark. Afterwards, Burt posted the smiling pic above to Instagram, along with the words:

Beat but not broken... Had to have a few beers before I could tell @pottsracing his #trophytruck would not be making it to him... #classyShot #YesThatsACathider

Bruce and his son both appeared happy to walk away from the wreck unscathed. Of course, it's a lot easier to smile when the wrecked truck worth a half-mil isn't yours. Also, the Mexican desert was probably a nice place to be during a week when the biggest story in the U.S. involved his stepdaughter's naked ass.

Well I don't want to say the race didn't go as planned, because it did... we had a blast, learned a ton about Baja, made a bunch of new friends who I will remember for life, didn't bend the truck (even though we went off twice) and we came home safe... in this picture is the group of people who helped us out in the middle of the desert when we broke the truck and offered us pizza and beer and radios... at this point after hours in the desert dad and I were starving, thirsty, and needed a radio to signal our race was over... they pretty much solved all or problems and made life good again. Big thanks to everyone especially @vinnycienta (the girl in the green beenie) for the much needed pizza! Your guys spirit and hospitality is why racers truly love Baja...

A photo posted by Burt Jenner (@bjenner) on Nov 11, 2014 at 5:51pm PST

It's nice to see Bruce having a good time. And we should all be thankful that #YesThatsACathider didn't catch on.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Here's Tony Hawk riding a real, actual hoverboard for real this time. No, seriously.

November 17, 2014, 2:45 pm

≫ Next: This nursing home has therapy alpacas for the elderly.

≪ Previous: Bruce Jenner and his son just crashed a $500K car.

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Where we're going, we don't need roads. Just a butt-load of copper.

Just one year short of Back To the Future II's prediction of available hoverboards, we finally have our first one. And who better to test that bad boy out than the only professional skateboarder you've heard of, Tony Hawk? 

Hawk manages the board as best he can, although it is clear the board is not capable of real speed or manipulation.  It squeals like an ancient robot, and drags on the ground like a Swiffer Wet Jet that has run out of fluid. Oh, and it can only be ridden on a sheet of copper. 

But, guys! Hover board! Tony Hawk!

Greg Henderson, CEO of Arx Pax, the makers of the the first hoverboard, said that they hope it will "make a serious difference in solving a lot of serious problems. "

The first serious problem? How to cover the world in a sheet of copper.

(by Myka Fox)

This nursing home has therapy alpacas for the elderly.

November 17, 2014, 2:54 pm

≫ Next: Watch Jerry Seinfeld force rapper Wale to leave the angry voicemail that went viral last year.

≪ Previous: Here's Tony Hawk riding a real, actual hoverboard for real this time. No, seriously.

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I feel better just knowing therapy alpacas are a thing.

Feeling down? Maybe an alpaca can help. 

Therapy alpacas are "spread[ing] the love" at the Mana Wedell Tagespflege nursing home in Berlin. The Peruvian animals are kept in a pen in the garden of the senior living center, but now and then the animals are brought inside to "cuddle" the residents. The video below is in German, but according to the YouTube description, the alpacas, "watch TV, take the elevator and provide company."

Pretty adorable. But now imagine this kitten cuddling scenario with a bunch of alpacas joining you in a glass enclosure. A little nightmarish?

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Watch Jerry Seinfeld force rapper Wale to leave the angry voicemail that went viral last year.

November 17, 2014, 3:34 pm

≫ Next: It take two.

≪ Previous: This nursing home has therapy alpacas for the elderly.

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After all this time, it's easy to forget that Jerry almost always talks you into bad situations.

Jerry Seinfeld has been on the Internet a lot lately, whether it's for mocking the advertising industry while accepting an advertising award, or in Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee, and although I usually enjoy these endeavors, it's an amused, respectful enjoyment. This made me actually make involuntary laughing noises from my mouth. And I think that Wale is actually the funniest part of this video, even though Seinfeld is also actually bringing his A (or at least A-) game.

Last year, Wale failed to make Complex's list of top 50 albums of 2013. He decided to express his feelings in a voicemail to company headquarters that went viral shortly thereafter. Like many people who do boneheaded things in the heat of the moment, many were wondering what the hell he was thinking before acting in such a manner. Well, now we know: he was being egged on by his irresponsible friend, Jerry Seinfeld.

Wale and Seinfeld did a whole series of interviews for Complex, besides this fictional video, for a feature called "Nothing Really Matters." You should check it out.

(by Johnny McNulty)

It take two.

November 17, 2014, 5:00 pm

≫ Next: Cop Dad humiliates son by pulling over his school bus to give him his bag lunch.

≪ Previous: Watch Jerry Seinfeld force rapper Wale to leave the angry voicemail that went viral last year.

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Cop Dad humiliates son by pulling over his school bus to give him his bag lunch.

November 18, 2014, 2:16 am

≫ Next: At last.

≪ Previous: It take two.

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Don't even ask what his dad does if he forgets to brush his teeth.

One kid forgot his lunch, so his policeman dad pulled his school bus over. 

So embarrassing.

According to the Dayton Daily News, Lt. Brian Keller chased down the busload of kids on their way to school in Johnsburg, Illinois, flipped on the emergency lights in his unmarked black dodge charger, and pulled the bus over.

The driver presumed she would be issued a ticket, but instead the cop just issued his son a brown paper bag. 

The bus wasn't even in Keller's jurisdiction.

Such a blatant abuse of power is not going unnoticed, as the driver has filed a complaint, and Keller is currently under investigation.

Keller should also be on the lookout for a civil suit, when his son claims damages for having the most humiliating dad ever.

(by Myka Fox)

At last.

November 18, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: 17 kids who totally suck at playing hide-and-seek.

≪ Previous: Cop Dad humiliates son by pulling over his school bus to give him his bag lunch.

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17 kids who totally suck at playing hide-and-seek.

November 18, 2014, 6:00 am

≫ Next: A new trailer for the first ever "Peanuts" movie just hit the web.

≪ Previous: At last.

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You find the strangest things in your couch cushions.(via)

The studies have been done and the results are in: American children are falling behind children from other prosperous nations in every area. Perhaps this is most noticeable in their skills at hiding during games of hide-and-seek. To put it simply, our children suck at hide-and-seek. Are we putting too much emphasis on seeking and not enough on hiding? Are we teaching to the test instead of letting children live in the world of their imaginations? Should we blame the parents? No, I think in this case the kids themselves are to blame. They just suck at hiding. 

The cats think this makes them invisible, too. (via) 

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Also the preferred method of hiding from a bath. (via)

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No one will look under the desk when there's a big, exciting computer on top of it! (via)

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Come on! There are holes in that basket! (via)

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Always put away your children when you're done playing with them. (via)

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Be your own nightlight. (via)

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If I can't see you...you can still see me, can't you? (via)

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Just testing your vision. (via)

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Who, me? I haven't seen anyone, I'm just a doormat. (via)

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So lifelike! Every kid wants one of these for Christmas this year. (via)

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Creepy, but still visible. (via)

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Great hiding spot, poorly executed. (via)

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Just need to take a quick look under your entire car. (via)

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So close, and yet so far. (via)

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Come on, you're not even trying! (via)

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B for overall hiddenness, but an A+ for creativity. (via)

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

A new trailer for the first ever "Peanuts" movie just hit the web.

November 18, 2014, 6:01 am

≫ Next: And so it begins: Kristen Bell's "Text Me Merry Christmas" is the holiday earworm of 2014.

≪ Previous: 17 kids who totally suck at playing hide-and-seek.

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Please watch, then go to therapy and investigate your feelings.

With a trailer that is bound to elicit reactions from "Yay!" to "How dare they!" to "I don't know what Peanuts is because I'm under the age of 40," here's a look at the upcoming big screen Peanuts movie. It's in 3D. A 3D Peanuts movie. HOW DARE THEY!

Paul Feig's involved as a producer, which makes it very promising. And the teaser trailer includes a crappy generic "soundtrack pop song" which is very foreboding. Watch below and wrestle with the emotions.

(by Bob Powers)

And so it begins: Kristen Bell's "Text Me Merry Christmas" is the holiday earworm of 2014.

November 18, 2014, 6:57 am

≫ Next: Charles Manson is old enough to be her grandfather who kills her!

≪ Previous: A new trailer for the first ever "Peanuts" movie just hit the web.

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Is this because I don't have kids and didn't have to learn your Frozen song, Kristen?
Is this your revenge?

I know we still have a little while until Thanksgiving, but it's time to wave the white flag of surrender to Christmas and its annual War On Our Ears, because Kristen Bell has released a little adorable romantic holiday pop tune that will insure she continues to rule winter long after Frozen mania dies down. "Text Me Merry Christmas," which she recorded with acapella group Straight No Chaser, hits all the big texting jokes without being too lame (a big accomplishment for both texting jokes and acapella), and manages to stay sweet and sarcastic. As a blogger, I know when to pick my battles. This is not one I want. Submit, everyone, to the new viral sound of Christmas 2014, "Text Me Merry Christmas":

I hope you enjoyed your vision of the (near) future. I would bet there's already a Tumblr campaign to make it into a movie. 

(by Johnny McNulty)

Charles Manson is old enough to be her grandfather who kills her!

November 18, 2014, 7:00 am

≫ Next: How removing one letter from an anti-gay church sign can make everything so much better.

≪ Previous: And so it begins: Kristen Bell's "Text Me Merry Christmas" is the holiday earworm of 2014.

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Chris ReganTue, 18 Nov 2014 10:00:40 EST

Charles Manson is old enough to be her grandfather who kills her!

How removing one letter from an anti-gay church sign can make everything so much better.

November 18, 2014, 7:47 am

≫ Next: Maya Angelou

≪ Previous: Charles Manson is old enough to be her grandfather who kills her!

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Put that S on your chest because you guys are just super!(Via)

Vandalism is still cool.

This pic has been making the rounds this week, though it apparently first hit the web a year ago. Thank the lord for the Internet already being out of stuff to look at and being forced to recycle itself, or else we might never have experienced the joy.

In the spirit of tolerance, we'll even tolerate the one guy's earlobe spacers.

(by Bob Powers)