1. It's A Holiday Miracle! Republicans Discover True Spirit Of Giving $450 Billion In Tax Breaks To Millionaires

Congressional Republicans—who, in very recent memory, chose to shut down the government rather than raise nation's debt ceiling—have suddenly had a shocking change of heart. Conservative legislators announced plans yesterday to add $450 billion to the deficit over the next decade in order to facilitate tax breaks for the country's wealthiest citizens. Unfortunately, the evil Grinch who lives in the White House derailed their plans by promising the veto any such bills.

If I spend all of my money on a stripper named Charity, am I eligible for a tax break?
— Keating Thomas (@keatingthomas) June 26, 2014

2. One Of Few Supreme Court Justices With Functioning Heart Has It Operated On

Outspoken U.S. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is reportedly "resting comfortably" after undergoing surgery to have a stent placed in her heart earlier today. Her fellow justices have found, via a 5-3 decision, that she should get well soon.

DEAR DOCTORS: PLEASE DO TO RUTH BADER GINSBURG WHATEVER THE HELL YOU DID TO DICK CHENEY
— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) November 26, 2014

3. Darren Wilson Bravely Admits To No Wrongdoing In Inspirational TV Interview

Darren Wilson—the Ferguson, Missouri police officer who recently escaped indictment for the shooting death of 18-year-old Michael Brown—admitted in an interview with ABC News' George Stephanopoulos that he made zero mistakes on the August day in question, and that he is sincerely sorry that Michael Brown made him kill him. Brave, brave words.

It makes sense that Darren Wilson keeps comparing Michael Brown to Hulk Hogan because his story seems just as rehearsed as WWE.
— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) November 26, 2014

4. Coca-Cola Finds Innovative New Way To Make Milk Twice As Expensive

The Coca-Cola company has announced that it is entering the dairy business, after its food scientists discovered a new way to inflate the price of milk by as much as 100 percent. A company representative said that the new product Fairlife is "a milk that's premiumised and tastes better and we'll charge twice as much for it as the milk we're used to buying." Finally!

A gallon of gas is now cheaper than a gallon of milk? All right, well, my morning coffee could use a little extra kick.
— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) November 5, 2014

5. More People Nowadays Ending Their Silly Little Lives With Silly Little Song

A new survey of 30,000 funerals has found that Monty Python's chipper little ode to the absurdity of existence, "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," has recently edged out more grandiose swan songs, such as Frank Sinatra's "My Way" and Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" as the most popular music to accompany being dumped into the ground.

Always look on the bright side, but don't be gross about it.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) November 3, 2012

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

It would appear the barber of Seville has a neckbeard that needs attending to

Look, weird people: we keep telling you fedoras are not cool, and you won't listen. Perhaps you won't listen because the reason fedoras are not cool is not due to the inherent shape of the hat, which is fine, but it's because of the type of people who wear fedoras. In other words, you refuse to accept that you are self-identifying as a lameoid, and it's really hard to convince someone that they're doing that. So, I present you with this video evidence from Spain of a man trying to rob a pharmacy with a gun and being totally disrespected because he's clearly just a fedora-wearing, forum-dwelling, neckbeard weirdo.

Maybe if he had tipped his fedora more gracefully? Alternatively, it could be that we don't know the full story here, and that this guy was locally known as a loser who can't be taken seriously even before he bought the fedora. It still doesn't speak well of fedoras if that's the kind of person who dons one, though, does it?

(by Johnny McNulty)

Peacocks would agree.(Via)

Gird yourself for the deluge of Thanksgiving status updates that will soon be pouring down your Facebook page. Some will do the "what I'm thankful for" list as a chance to brag about their lives or just spout stuff about how awesome God is. Others will exclaim about their distended, turkey filled bellies and football. The posts gathered here celebrate that special Thanksgiving status update where warm, family-oriented, holiday earnestness goes horribly, wonderfully off the rails.

I'd actually welcome this as one of those mass holiday texts people send.(Via)

Some serious thanks are about to be given in that household. (Via)

Facebook narcissism never gets a holiday.(Via)

What luck! A Thursday Thanksgiving for like the bazillionth time in a row!(Via)

Everyone but the Scientologists. They celebrate when we took the land from the aliens.

And for the third year in a row, the family was thankful that Crystal did not show up.

If you don't want your kid to get worked up over nothing, don't name them "Tizzie."

Dumb people, threw and threw.

Don't try that "mourning" crap on me, step-grandma.

Also, all your least-successful friends from high school will be there.

Americans should all be thankful 4 the freedom to be morons.

Yeah, you dropped those turkey balls on the ground.

Well, honey, Casey doesn't make played-out "that awkward moment" jokes.

This is actually from the porn version of West Side Story. "I want to be in an American..."

Think about it. Do you get it yet? Keep thinking about it.

Sometimes a good cover turns out to be worse than owning up to the original overshare.

Thanksgiving is the time for family. Disgusting, embarrassing family.

What? They're really nice legs. Even normal people wish they had my legs!

Be thankful people didn't just quietly let you go ahead and fail publicly.

The least shocking thing in this post is that Jeri is on Myspace.

(by Happy Place Staff)

by Dan Abromowitz

After the very first pilgrims enjoyed their very first Thanksgiving, they laid down in the Mayflower Charter that every subsequent Thanksgiving dinner must include a part where everyone goes around the table to say what they're thankful for. Today, this tradition gives everyone at the table an opportunity to bury sanctimony, backhanded digs, and hidden messages under the guise of good earnest thankfulness. Here's how to convey whatever you might want to when it's your turn to give thanks:

To shame everyone for blindly enjoying a holiday commemorating murder and land theft - "I'm thankful for the pilgrims settling America. I'm also thankful for osteoporosis."

To show you're pretty funny and exciting and fun - "What am I thankful for? Uh... how about BEER?!"

To come off real gracious and humble - "What's not to be thankful for? Wow. Makes you think, huh?"

To set a sensual vibe - "I'm thankful for good cheer, good food, good wine, good music, the flicker of candlelight, warm chocolate, silky fabrics, the smell of sandalwood heavy in the air, low whispered promises, the electric play of skin on skin, human warmth in the cold, cold night. Mmmmmm..."

To masterfully maintain the illusion that you're stone sober -Gaze stoically, in noble silence, off towards the middle distance, like a regular sober person.

To throw a big "eff you" at your dad - "I'm thankful for Mom. Not so much that guy she hangs out with who thinks he's King freaking Kong of Skull Island, when he's actually a bigger turkey than this big turkey."

To apologize for putting your whole head inside the turkey - "I'm thankful for the God-given wisdom to know what is a helmet and what isn't a helmet, and I'm thankful for my family for being there to step in with forceps when that wisdom very occasionally fails me."

To very subtly come out of the closet - "I'm thankful for mankind, the greatest of God's creations, specifically men in a three-mile radius, ages 19 to 33, fit, scruffy and uncut, top/vers, no fats, no femmes."

To let your family know you're no longer a virgin - "I'm thankful for flowers, especially plucked ones. Ha ha, I just now thought of something that rhymes with 'plucked' that you might lately apply to me!"

To tastefully acknowledge that you're missing kind of a lot of teeth this year - "I'm thankful for mashed potatoes and gravy, and if tomorrow we could whip up some kind of turkey stew with the bones, not too chunky, I'd be thankful for that, too."

To drum up some chit-chat about Serial - "I'm thankful for shrimp sales at the Crab Crib. You guys get what I'm talking about? Serial? The podcast, Serial? You guys listen to the podcast Serial? It's very interesting, this podcast? Serial? It's about this murdered girl, you'd love it. It's called Serial."

To let your hot cousin know you're down - "I'm thankful for family–" [make eye contact] [lick lips] [wink] [fire finger guns] [bite lip] [do a sexy pinky lip thing] [send a nude] "–especially my hot cousin, who I'd gladly shtup."

To assert your dominance of the dinner table - "I'm thankful for EVERYTHING. Name a thing. I'm thankful for that. Name something else. I'm thankful for that, too. You will not one-up me tonight, and if you try, you will fail. I cannot be overcome."

To lay grudges to rest - "I'm thankful for the passage of time, which heals all wounds, even the deepest ones caused by – and I'll say it again –accidentally swiping a nephew's eye out with a heinously untrimmed fingernail during a rowdy flag football fracas, a wound time actually cannot heal in the sense that it could give a nephew back his eye, but can very much heal in a psychic, emotional, interpersonal sense and restore the bonds of brotherhood, and hopefully has done so over the last couple hours, and would you please quit gawking at me like that with your one awful eye, Gordon, I'm trying to give thanks here."

To let everyone know that you're thank - "I'm thank."

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter

You would be forgiven if lately you thought that Amazon only ever gave away Fire Phones and lured people into subscribing to Amazon Prime solely so they can watch Transparent. While the company has been throwing all their might into battling Apple and Netflix for digital media supremacy, they're still making good bucks by selling just about everything that could ever possibly get a price tag attached to it, and some of that stuff can get really, really weird. Here are just ten items you could totally buy as stocking stuffers for the strangest people in your family this year.

1.

Find out what almost all of America is made of.(Buy it)

2.

The canned stuff really holds up if you make long trips to fantastical lands.(Buy it)

3.

Finally, you can make those hot dog shaped hamburgers you imagined while high.(Buy it)

4.

Uranium. Man, that UPS box really better have the word "Fragile" all over it.(Buy It)

5.

Holy crap kids are getting lazier. You can't even exert the
wrist energy for a no-strings kiss? (Buy It)

6.

Sorry, but this 32 ounce jug of wolf urine is not available for Prime.
You'll have to pay for overnight shipping.(Buy It)

7.

Magnetic anomalies, like when another human is drawn to someone who owns this.(Buy It)

8.

At less than $1500, you can't afford not to own this lobster mascot costume. (Buy it)

9.

Who cares if people think you're putting feminine hygiene products in your mouth. The important thing is, you're drunk!(Buy It)

and of course...

10.

The 55 gallon tub of lube. Because you never know when you're about to have the best damn weekend of your life.(Buy It)

(by Happy Place Staff)

At least they tried. #MentionPeopleYouAreThankfulForpic.twitter.com/W8PET6fdDX
— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) November 27, 2014

Kids are getting too real these days. Blame the Internet, and its promise of "if you say something awesome and easily screenshottable, it'll go viral like crazy." At least she tried, and succeeded.

(by Bob Powers)

It's the end of another month, which means it's time for Netflix to begin phasing in a new crop of movies and TV shows for everyone to debate. It seems like people spend almost as much time discussing Netflix content as they do watching the actual programming. And in a month where the quality swings from the highs of Almost Famous to the lows of I, Frankenstein (3% on Rotten Tomatoes), there's plenty for everyone to chew on.

There isn't much in terms of must-see movies, unless your Must-See List includes a lot of forgettable crap. It's hard to imagine anyone being excited about joining the #Sharknado2 party, but they can get in on that fun starting December 3rd. It's even harder to imagine anyone who's waited over a decade to pull the trigger on American Beauty not being incredibly disappointed. On the plus side, there's The Wolf of Wall Street, Anchorman 2, and the big-budget Netflix original series Marco Polo (based on the man, not the popular swimming pool game).

Here's the full list of what will be available for streaming in December:

Available December 1st:

A Knight's Tale (2001)
Almost Famous (2000)
American Beauty (1999)
Bewitched (2005)
Camp Takota (2014)
Crossroads (2002)
Jewtopia (2012)
Knights of Badassdom (2014)
Madison (2005)
Out of the Clear Blue Sky (2012)
Out of Time (2003)
The Out-of-Towners (1999)
Troop Beverly Hills (1989)
Turbo FAST: New Episodes (2014)

Available December 3rd-6th:

American Horror Story: Coven (2013)
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues: Super Sized Version (2013)
Ava & Lala (2014)
Bill Burr: I'm Sorry You Feel That Way (2014)
Oculus (2014)
Sharknado 2: The Second One (2014)
Son of God (2014)

Available December 8th-11th:

Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown: Season Three (2013)
A Haunted House 2 (2014)
Drive Hard (2014)
I Am Ali (2014)
The Village (2004)
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)

Available December 12th-15th:

Broadchurch: Season One (2013)
Don't Blink (2014)
Jake Squared (2014)
Marco Polo (2014)
Nick Offerman: American Ham (2014)

Available December 18th-23rd:

All Hail King Julien (2014)
Dark Skies (2013)
The Honourable Woman: Season One (2013)
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)
Ragnarok (2014)
Romy and Michele's High School Reunion (1997)
The Trip to Italy (2014)

Available December 24th-30th:

Behaving Badly (2014)
Child of God (2014)
Comedy Bang! Bang!: Season Three (2013)
Good People (2014)
I, Frankenstein (2014)
Jessie: Season Three (2013)
Labor Day (2013)
Last Weekend (2014)
Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return (2014)
Maron: Season 2 (2013)

If you're stuck with your family through the weekend and looking to avoid having to actually talk to them, it could be a great time to finally watch the movies that've been sitting in your queue for weeks. Unfortunately, it's too late to watch The King's Speech, which was pulled on November 26th. However, you may finally be desperate enough to watch Spice Girls, which will be disappearing along with a slew of other titles on December 1st.

Here's the full list of what will no longer be available for streaming after November:

Movies Expiring November 26

The King's Speech

Movies Expiring November 30

Black Moon Rising
The Boys Next Door
C.H.U.D.
Helvetica
House
House II
The Philadelphia Experiment
Transylvania 6-5000
The Stuff

Movies Expiring December 1

1941
The Apostle
Audrey Rose
The Believers
Better than Chocolate
Blood & Chocolate
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
Chaplin
The Choirboys
The Cockeyed Cowboys of Calico County
Coffee and Cigarettes
The Cold Light of Day
The Constant Gardener
Count Yorga, Vampire
Cry-Baby
Dirty Dancing
Double Indemnity
En la Cama
Event Horizon
Eye for an Eye
Fairy Tale: A True Story
First Knight
Five Easy Pieces
Foreign Student
Free Men
Funny Lady
The Ghost and Mrs Muir
The Girl from Petrovka
Going Berserk
The Great Waldo Pepper
House of Voices
How to Frame a Figg
I'm Not Rappaport
Imagining Argentina
Invaders from Mars
Ishtar
Joe Gould's Secret
Joe Kidd
Johnny Mnemonic
Killer at Large
King of the Hill
Lonely Hearts
Magic Trip
Magicians
Mission Impossible III
Minnie and Moskowitz
Monkey Shines
Mr. Mom
'night Mother
Night of the Creeps
An Officer and a Gentleman
Opal Dream
The Other Side of the Mountain
The Other Side of the Mountain, Part 2
Our City Dreams
The Paper Chase
Paradise Alley
The Parole Officer
The Pirates of Penzance
Prairie Love
The Presidio
The Promise
The Proposition
Reds
The Return of Count Yorga
RoboCop 2
School Ties
The Sci-Fi Boys
The Serpent and the Rainbow
Spice World
Star Trek: Generations
Swashbuckler
The Talented Mr. Ripley
They Might Be Giants
The Untouchables
The Vampire Lovers
Walker
Year of the Horse: Neil Young & Crazy Horse Live
Young Sherlock Holmes

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Forget Black Friday, the best value being offered today is this free peek at the first of the long-awaited sequel to Return of the Jedi, the upcoming Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. If I had enough turkey leftovers, I'd just put myself into a tryptophan coma until December 18, 2015, when The Force Awakens will be in theaters, or at least until they release a longer trailer.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Some men just want to watch the galaxy burn.

If you're the kind of person who has always harbored a deep desire to know whether Gotham's Dark Knight could beat Sith-era Anakin Skywalker in a fight—which is to say, a common-variety nerd, such as myself—then your long sleepless nights of wonder are about to come to an end, thanks to this very detail-oriented short, which eschews plot and reason in an attempt to get right to the ass-handing.

According to conventional wisdom, it is assumed that Batman can best any opponent, given enough time and preparation. He even knocked Superman down a few pegs in The Dark Knight Returns, if you'll recall. But Superman is not a Sith Lord. I'm pretty sure that turd-headed Jedi guy could beat Superman on a good day. So, this should be pretty interesting:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)