The Force, and Lego technology, binds the universe together.

Well, that was fast! The Force Awakens trailer has only been out for a day, and some crazy person has already uploaded a shot-for-shot re-creation of it, animated with Legos.

This blows my mind. First of all, this guy Snooperking apparently has a seriously exhaustive collection of Star Wars Legos on hand. Look at how many Stormtroopers he used in that split-second shot aboard the carrier. But more to the point, he must have been watching the Internet intently on Friday morning, with a bead of sweat streaming down his temple and his hand hovering just above his Legos collection like a squid-headed gunfighter on an Old West-themed planet, waiting for the first sign of the trailer. He says it took him about 12 hours to complete the filming. This would have taken me 12 days, if not 12 life times.

The visual effects are not great, but I'd say they're charmingly not-great. At least they're practical. They still beat the hell out of that cartoony CGI nonsense from the prequel trilogy.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Kids! If it's not one thing it's an udder.

Hey, I know you're skeptical. But really, you need to just hear this little five-year-old girl out, because she's got a perfectly reasonable explanation for why she let—or possibly brought—her pet calf into the house. It may or may not have something to do with cow poop. It's hard to tell. But it should definitely fully exonerate her in the eyes of her rather annoyed, anti-cow-in-the-house mother:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Meesa can't wait for this version!

It's kind of a bummer that George Lucas, the groundbreaking filmmaker who enriched our collective childhood with one of the greatest adventure sagas of all time, is also the person credited with trying to destroy it. On the one hand, I'm still in awe of what he did with two-and-a-half of the films in the original trilogy. But on the other... Man, am I happy that he doesn't get to tinker with the upcoming ones. I'll take J.J. Abrams' excessive lens flares over Lucas' cartoony monster slapstick any day.

This fan-created George Lucas Special Edition trailer for The Force Awakens is a pitch-perfect illustration the wrong-headedness of Lucas' unnecessarily-busy CGI revamps of his classic movies, as well as a nod to what we can all look forward to (hopefully) not seeing in theaters next December:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

It gets better.

I'm gonna tell you right now that this story has a happy ending, so don't go killing yourself midway through reading this post. Not only would that be excessive and unnecessary, but you'd be robbing yourself of an opportunity to see a very cute picture at the very end.

So anyway, a Canadian woman named Meagan Penman was relaxing on a beach in Thailand when she made a discovery that was equal parts heartbreaking and disturbing: a friendly little stray dog was pulling himself through the wet sand with his front legs, while his back legs dragged uselessly behind him:

"He was in horrible condition, he would have been dead within the month if I hadn't moved him," Penman later explained. After getting a whole lot of no-help-whatsoever from local shelters, she created a Gofundme page to get Leo—as she was now calling him—into the care of a veterinarian and ultimately back to Canada. Thanks to the help of a lot of strangers on the Internet, she exceeding her $7,000 goal. So, she went back to where she found Leo, picked him up and carried him away from the beach and into a hopefully better life.

Definitely getting better. (via)

Leo spent two months with a local vet getting treatment for a pretty obviously broken back—let's not even consider what awfulness this dog had to endure—before being allowed to rejoin Penman in Ottawa. There, he was adopted by someone is able to care for him permanently.

And he even got a set of cool-looking new wheels to help him get around.

Pretty much the best.(via)

Not too shabby, huh? Sometimes people make you not so ashamed to be part of the same species as them, don't they?

You can see a lot of pictures of Leo living the good life on his Facebook page.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

He can't be trusted at house parties with acacia leaves. (via)

At this point there isn't a moment of human experience that isn't photographed and instantly uploaded to Facebook for all to share. Life is contained in the Facebook photo albums now, so when you comment on a Facebook photo you're essentially commenting on life itself. You can choose to resignedly click "Like" on life like so many over-medicated cult members who are lying to themselves. Or you can do like the commenters gathered here, who deserve awards for their attention to detail and their willingness to turn a glimpse of another person's existence into something we can all laugh at.

They served to protect his right to shop. (via)

Debbie dumpling downer. (via)

Sounds like a good deal unless it's purple. (via)

I want to see Facebook's translation of "LAZORCAT." (via)

Never going to sell that thing now. (via)

Updated 11/3/14:

And is someone supposed to be Cupid in this scenario? (via)

Might've been. Wasn't. (via)

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Get a storage closet!(via)

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Google Glass? (via)

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Think none of your friends has a snowboarding calendar? Think again!(via)

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Plot twist: They're all copies of Fahrenheit 451. (via)

Updated 10/6/14:

Not as long as his buddy lets him watch NFL games on his belly.(via)

Or maybe a walrus? (via)

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No, your life is not significant. Get offline. (via)

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At work? You have the best job ever.(via)

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He enjoyed what he did. (via)

That would have offended non-toilets.(via)

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Updated 9/2/14:

So much more powerful than a promise ring. (Via)

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Bae caught me fakin'.(Via)

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Use every part of the Facebook. (Via)

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Way to look past the darkness.(Via)

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Dog couldn't even wear a tux to his own wedding? That's bad luck!(Via)

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Maybe she's just avant garde, d-bag.(Via)

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Updated 8/4/14:

Someone send a life-raft. (Via)

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Ken's a big reader. No canned spaghetti meal is going to make him give that up. (Via)

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You must be more compassionate in your oil changes.(Via)

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Prepare for ye credit card offers and Valpaks to be pillaged. (Via)

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Still, at least she Googled it herself. Very talented Googling. (Via)

A sunset has to be really beautiful to get Heather to stop obsessing over poop shots. (Via)

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Updated 6/30/14:

Why old Photobomb Phil's been dead for decades now.
You got photobombed by a g-g-g-ghost! (Via)

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Like you've never gotten excited after taking a really good butt-selfie.(Via)

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Least they're not sitting around doing math!(Via)

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Or, he died before achieving his dream of Jurassic Park being operational.(Via)

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I think he just asked you out to dinner!(Via)

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Guys don't need a lot of inspiration in that activity. (Via)

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Updated 6/3/14:

I certainly hope the tiny cat tipped well.(via)

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You should see the pyramids. (via)

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Wake up, sheeple! Why do you think there are so many cans? The aluminade! (via)

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It looked like a salami.(via)

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When will you grow up, Shannon? (via)

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Updated 5/2/14:

Spike knew. She always knew.(via)

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That was very, very dangerous. But cool. (via)

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I only hump American-made cars. (via)

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The tattoo artist only knew how to do glittery spiders for some reason. (via)

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If not great responsibility, at least more responsibility than that, surely. (via)

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What if they mutate but they're still not that good at martial arts? (via)

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Updated 4/2/14:

I'm guessing this is the last time anyone makes the mistake of trusting you. (via)

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I dunno, $20 still seems like a good deal. (via)

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Well, that seems irrelevant, but good to know. (via)

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Nope, not what that means. (via)

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Updated 3/4/14:

All the rest have 31, except February which has 52. (via)

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It's just a very sad photo all around. (via)

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I give them a week before they're posting photos of each other slippin. (via)

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Why do I have the feeling this will take a while to explain? (via)

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Updated 2/4/14:

Also sometimes people are just sleepy. (via)

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Unfriend this person before their posts become upsetting. (via)

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Good thing I have my smart phone to document this. (via)

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Philip Seymour Hoffman would probably have thought this was funny. (via)

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A bargain at half the price. (via)

Updated 1/6/14:

He's going to the great cardboard box in the sky. (via)

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A.O. Scott does most of his reviews this way, too. (via)

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"Oh!!! Pretty!" was the last words of many a gladiator. (via)

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Reason #43,239 never to friend your mom, or son, on Facebook. (via)

The greened-out name is Santa, obvi. (via)

This is why the aliens will easily be able to overtake us. (via)

Updated 12/5/13:

Kids today don't watch enough VHS's.

"Superficial aesthetic characteristics" = "She has giant boobs."

I always grew too attached to the sausages we raised on my farm as a child.

Why would you want to avoid a place with a ball pit?

It's true! M.J. really was out of this world!

Ow.

Updated 11/7/13:

ERECTION! How many times must I scream "ERECTION"?!

Could be anyone's ass, really.

Don't forget the Holey Bagel.

Earth is destroyed every year.

SMMTH. (Shaking my mutant turtle head.)

LOL why would someone invent a non-cordless phone?

Updated 10/7/13:

Pics or it didn't happen.

Mr. Darren Buble has a nice ring to it.Swoon.

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Oddly enough, that book IS junk.

Updated 9/11/13:

Could lose a bit more if he put down the phone for a second.

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Sells puppy to get better phone to take pictures of puppy on.

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No, no, Timmy. Camels have humps.

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Same basic shape, you know-it-all!

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Rob may be a pussy, but he's no fool.

Updated 8/8/13:

In case you were wondering, her account number is 3771-1745.

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There are no awkward silences around that grasshopper.

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Children our are future.

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Seriously, 5 acres isn't even that many!

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If your phone's in a smoothie, what did you take the photo with??

Updated 7/12/13:

This commenter is now in a relationship with Youtube.

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They were chillen' together. Cyberchillen'.

Tonight on Fat Cops, a young boy who's just killed a man seeks help from his mama...

This is actually why they picked her for the summer internship.

Their lizard fucking is truly beautiful though.

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Updated 6/12/13:

Remember when Neil DeGrasse Tyson had that ugly feud with 50 Cent at the planetarium?

Ew, drinking Union Jack sounds dusty.

And...if you're lazy?

Time to go back to your original profession as a taxidermist.

Every mother dreams of her toddler turning out sexy.

Honestly, that's what "Granddaughter" gets for posting that statistic.

Updated 5/13/13:

They can be the same. Liking your own status on Facebook is a form of fapping.

Also, why did you marry such a heavy, finger-giving man in the first place?

No, stupid, the Italian flag says "Viva Italy!"

The only fun fact about Nazism, actually.

Screw white ghosts for oppressing all the minority ghosts.

It's a meta caption of a meta photo. Whoa.

Updated 4/18/13:

Dogs have patience. Human dogs, less so.

What the hell did that bunny leave in your basket?

It's the legend of the ghost bridge! The bridge has returned from the dead for vengeance!

Looks like he took a break for some refreshment, and to steal your wallet.

The real tragedy is Walt letting his legotism control his decisions.

Welcome to your kitchen for the very first time. Now make some really spicy coffee.

Updated 3/19/13:

Um, I've been leading a double life. I'm really a cheezy stock photographer.

This horrible relationship is making us hungry!

The GOP has decided to run a citrus in 2016.

His balls are really good listeners.

Thought you meant congrads on my bomb new lid, brah. But that marriage shit, yeah, LOL.

Updated 2/19/13:

You have a new friend request from Galileo (Galileo) Galileo Figaro.

Bobby's obviously never done mescaline.

We usually name our pimple, Gus. Short for Disgusting.

Can we just switch our order to the spaghetti? If no one's had sex in it?

Even the cat looks angry that someone brought Blue Moon.

It's cool. He has a vagina underneath his left knee.

Updated 1/23/13:

They're lucky he didn't just tie pistols to their feet.

Game of Thrones is bound to use this as a plot-point eventually.

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She should end it with him. He clearly wishes he was dating Spider-Man.

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The best way to stop forest fires is with a crapload of "likes."

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Just having a pet dolphin would be enough for us. Or an Xbox, for that matter.

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What would humans and ducks ally against? Swans?

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Updated 12/17/12:

Wrong. It's a framed picture of a mirror being photobombed by a ceiling fan.

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Commenters love to shout at a hat out on a ledge.

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We feel bad for twin girls. They can't ask kids on the playground to "come and play with us" without scaring the hell out of them.

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"Don't miss Kohl's holiday blowout!" -John 3:16

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Our grandma used to make a great soul loaf. So tender, so eternal.

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We'd go with the Bieber. Just to learn the sequence of terrible decisions that led to him getting the same haircut as our sister's girlfriend.

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Your Facebook friends: Misunderstanding deep-throating hamsters since 2006.

Updated 11/26/12:

In nature you're never more than two inches away from poo. And by "nature" we mean "our office."

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People aren't that impressed when you train a man-parrot to talk.

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Peace in the Middle-East won't be achieved unless we all bond over the new C-class.

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He had to introduce himself to all the Taco Bells in the neighborhood.

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Still waiting for the day when this country will elect its first teensy president.

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Oh the humanity.
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No wonder his personals ad seeking "Women into baseball glove material" always went unanswered.
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Updated 10/26/12:

Looks like a girl in a bikini committing suicide to us. Eye of the beholder?

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Another episode of "Blame Autocorrect Or Call Social Services?"

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We're hungry and nauseous all at once.

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Seriously, who are they flipping the bird at? The Bravo channel?

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Like you'd still be able to see the top of the bridge.

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Why does this racist sexual inadequacy panic quiz have to implicate Gamestop?

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We thought every page on the internet was kind of called "Fapping."

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Updated 9/4/12:

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Updated 8/7/12:

Updated 7/16/12:

Updated 6/28/12:

Updated June 5, 2012:

Updated 5/7/12:

Updated 4/20/12:

Updated 3/29/12:

Updated 2/28/12:

1. Darren Wilson Is Resigning Without Compensation — Will Have To Survive On Whatever Book Deal And Fox News Job He Ends Up With

Darren Wilson has announced that he is resigning from the Ferguson, Missouri police force due to "credible threats" against himself and the department. City officials say that Wilson will not be eligible for a severance package or any similar benefits due to the short time—three years—he spent on the force. Instead, he will simply have to support himself on the millions of dollars he makes off of his newfound celebrity, at least until he starts drawing a government paycheck after he ultimately gets elected to Congress.

Darren Wilson finally made the streets of Ferguson safe by resigning from the police force.
— David Feldman (@David_Feldman_) November 30, 2014

2. Judge: Ray Rice Is Free To Get Not-Signed By Any Team In NFL

Former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has had his suspension from the NFL overturned by a U.S. district court. The judge found that Commissioner Roger Goodell had failed to be "fair and consistent in his imposition of discipline." Rice is eligible to be rejected for employment by all 32 teams in the league, effective immediately.

My sources tell me that the Raiders are interested in both Ray Rice and Cosby.
— Kevin Biggins (@TheBiggIdea) November 29, 2014

3. Racist Nerds Unable To Accept Existence Of Black Stormtrooper In Their Make-Believe World

Immediately after Disney released the trailer for the upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens, incredulous fans began to balk online at the image of John Boyega dressed as an Imperial Stormtrooper, due to the fact that he is a black man, and for some reason foot soldiers for the Empire should not be black. Had J.J. Abrams only thought to cast a person with a fish for a head in that key role, this controversy could have all been averted. Boyega has taken the racist fallout in stride though, telling bigots to "Get used to it," which is something at which bigots are not historically proficient.

I'm not a racist, but when I saw a black stormtrooper in the new "Star Wars" trailer I did spit out my coffee and shriek "NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!"
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) November 28, 2014

4. The Man Is Now Trying To Take Stoned-Driving Away From Us

Researchers at Washington State University are currently hard at work trying to create a breathalyzer test that would be able to detect whether or not a driver is operating his or her vehicle while under the influence of marijuana. Tough news for stoners. Just so long as they don't develop a breath test for a dozen or so Xanax, I think I'm okay with this news.

"Do you want people driving high on weed?" - someone who believes legalization also created marijuana
— CJ Sullivan (@CJSullivan_) January 14, 2014

5. Idina Menzel Issues Chilling Warning To Parents Everywhere: 'Frozen' Sequel Is Coming

Here's some good news for parents who do not think that they can handle hearing the songs "Let It Go" or "Do You Want To Build A Snowman?" too many more times before they snap and just start smashing things: Idina Menzel—who voiced the character Elsa in Disney's smash hit Frozen—has announced that a sequel may very soon be on its way, complete with a whole soundtrack full of new songs for girls aged five to fifteen to sing over and over and over and over and over again in the back seat of their parents' minivan. Squeeeeeee!!!!

Grown adults still listening to that song from Frozen really need to let it go.
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) November 21, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

The holiday spirit flows through us all in many different ways.

Surprise, it's December! That keeps happening, right? Every year, you get complacent and let your guard down and then, boom, you're back on the holiday express train to yuletide bullshit.

The holiday party circuit is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because alcohol. A curse because no amount of spiked egg nog is enough to get you through the work party, and then the significant other's running club party, and then that party your neighbor somehow committed you to bringing the cups for, and... Good God! Just get to the New Year's countdown already!

Luckily, Abbi and Ilana of Broad City have provided a collection of tips to get you through any holiday party with the maximum amount of sexual arousal and irreparable property damage.

(by Bob Powers)

Just your friendly, inspirational, heartbreaking, neighborhood Spider-Man love story.

If you came here for a heartwarming story, you're in the right place. Heartwarming stories, however, often arise from heartbreaking circumstances, and this is no exception. Aaron Purmort was an art director and graphic designer from Minneapolis, and to the surprise of many, he was also Spider-Man and had an earlier, secret marriage to Gwen Stefani. Who knows what adventures he might still have had ahead of him if not for the brain tumor (excuse me, I mean "radioactive spider bite") that tragically claimed his life last week at 35? It's a prospect that fills anyone with sadness, but Aaron faced up to the inevitable with a sense of humor that can only be described as super-heroic in his self-written obituary in Minneapolis' Star-Tribune.

"Purmort, Aaron Joseph age 35, died peacefully at home on November 25 after complications from a radioactive spider bite that led to years of crime-fighting and a years long battle with a nefarious criminal named Cancer, who has plagued our society for far too long. Civilians will recognize him best as Spider-Man, and thank him for his many years of service protecting our city. His family knew him only as a kind and mild-mannered Art Director, a designer of websites and t-shirts, and concert posters who always had the right cardigan and the right thing to say (even if it was wildly inappropriate). Aaron was known for his long, entertaining stories, which he loved to repeat often. In high school, he was in the band The Asparagus Children, which reached critical acclaim in the northern suburbs. As an adult, he graduated from the College of Visual Arts (which also died an untimely death recently) and worked in several agencies around Minneapolis, settling in as an Interactive Associate Creative Director at Colle + McVoy. Aaron was a comic book aficionado, a pop-culture encyclopedia and always the most fun person at any party. He is survived by his parents Bill and Kim Kuhlmeyer, father Mark Purmort (Patricia, Autumn, Aly), sisters Erika and Nicole, first wife Gwen Stefani, current wife Nora and their son Ralph, who will grow up to avenge his father's untimely death. A service will be held on December 3, 2014 at Shelter Studios, 721 Harding St. NE, Mpls 55413 at 6 pm."
(via Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

Even if he hadn't just revealed himself as Spider-Man, he would still have been remembered by the love story between himself and his wife Nora McInerny. Encouraged to meet by friends, they hit it off immediately and fell in love. Shortly thereafter, however, Aaron began having seizures at work and he was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a grade 4 glioblastoma in his brain. So, Aaron and Nora got married and had a kid, all while Aaron cheerfully endured surgery, radiation and chemotherapy, which appeared to work and then did not. Nevertheless, he stayed positive and the two spent countless nights together in hospital beds; their son crawling for the first time in an oncology ward room. Their story did not go unnoticed, including by local news.

On November 17, Nora announced through their blog that Aaron's journey was nearly at an end, and on November 25, she let all their family, friends, and fans know that it had finished.

"It's over. It wasn't a war or a fight. Those things have rules. This was more like Aaron getting in the ring with the Mohammed Ali of cancers, and smiling for round after round after he got his teeth knocked out and his face rearranged. Ding. It ended today at 2:43pm, in the middle of a run-on sentence, my head on his heart and my arms around him in a hospital bed built for one, but perfect for the two of us."

While there may have been no helping Aaron in his brave struggle, friends of the couple have set up a fundraising campaign to pay for his hospital bills and the care of their young son (who, hopefully, inherited some of his father's powers).

(by Johnny McNulty)

5. Maria Shriver, because Miley Cyrus is dating her son.

(via Instagram)

All of us are a little overwhelmed by the news that Miley Cyrus is dating Arnold Schwarzenegger's son, Patrick. But most of us are just grossed out by their long, public make-out sessions. Only Maria Shriver feels the acute distress of a mother whose son is dating a woman best known for posting photographs of herself with penises of various shapes and sizes on Instagram. According to HollywoodLife.com, Shriver is "very, very worried" about her son's taste in women. "The birthday party with all the penis pictures disgusted her," said a source, referring to Miley's 22nd birthday bash. Hey, what was she supposed to have—hearts and stars and Barbie dolls? Miley is 22—a grown-up!—and a penis party is what she understands grown-ups to do.

4. Kirk Douglas, because People thinks he's dead already.

(via Gawker)

People accidentally published the nearly complete obituary of aging Hollywood star Kirk Douglas on their website this weekend. It's not clear when exactly they put up the post, but it was taken down by today. That's got to hurt Kirk's feelings, since as far as he knows, he's totally alive. It's one thing when a magazine decides someone young has died, but when it's someone elderly, the mistake feels more pointed. Hopefully, People learned their lesson. Instead of just putting "DO NOT PUB" at the beginning of the title, the author should have made the title more clear: "SRSLY GUYS DO NOT PUB THIS KIRK DOUGLAS STILL KICKING IT Kirk Douglas Dies.

3. Former Girl Scouts who marched through the freezing rain to sell cookies because now girls can sell them online.

(via GirlScouts.org)

In keeping with the theme of kids today not having to work nearly as hard as you did, Girl Scouts will now be able to sell cookies online. Instead of trudging through the snow uphill both ways just to get Old Mr. Cameron to buy a single box of Tagalongs, your daughters are going to have yet another excuse to steal your phone and sit on their asses. At this point, there's pretty much zero chance of your kids learning the important lesson that hard work pays, so you might as well cozy up on the couch, re-watch Frozen with them, and let the dollars roll in.

2. Corporations that are people, because Black Friday sales were down 11% this year.

(Getty)

If you're a person who is also a corporation, you're probably feeling pretty bummed out today. Black Friday sales were down 11% this year, with consumers spending just $9.1 billion in stores on Friday this year. Sure, it's possible consumers were doing more of their spending on Thanksgiving Day itself and online over the weekend, but those Black Friday numbers still sting your living, beating corporate heart. You're probably wondering what you did wrong—did you push the Keurigs enough? Do people even realize next month is Christmas? You may never know. That kind of internal regret and uncertainty is just the tipping point of why it's hard to be a human individual who is also a corporation.

1. Elizabeth Lauten, the GOP staffer forced to resign over her comments about the Obama girls.

(Getty)

GOP staffer Elizabeth Lauten resigned today after controversial remarks she made about the Obama girls on Facebook were widely condemned. Lauten was the communications director for Republican Tennessee State Representative Steve Fincher. "Try showing a little class," Lauten wrote on Facebook, criticizing the girls' choice of outfits at the annual turkey pardoning. "Then again," she went on, "your mother and father don't respect their positions very much or the nation for that matter, so I'm guessing you're coming up a little short in the good role model department." Oh snap. Sick "you don't have any positive role models" burn. Lauten later apologized on Facebook, saying "many hours of prayer" had helped her realize her words were "hurtful." For the record, the appropriate outfit for a turkey pardoning is full American Indian headdress, a sequined bikini, and a wishbone-shaped necklace.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)