This record-breaking heat makes it even harder than usual to be fat.

July 22, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 22, 2013

≪ Previous: Nothing brings two people together like hating a third.

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 22, 2013

July 22, 2013, 6:41 am

≫ Next: If it wasn't for the royal baby, I wouldn't have anything to not care about right now.

≪ Previous: This record-breaking heat makes it even harder than usual to be fat.

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How did a woman die on a rollercoaster? What's the latest with that royal baby? What are the Bruins doing to stop Justin Bieber from soiling their logo? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.

Get on with it >>

If it wasn't for the royal baby, I wouldn't have anything to not care about right now.

July 22, 2013, 6:57 am

≫ Next: Even without relentless worldwide media attention, I'm confident we'll see more pictures of your baby than Kate Middleton's.

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 22, 2013

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Even without relentless worldwide media attention, I'm confident we'll see more pictures of your baby than Kate Middleton's.

July 22, 2013, 8:10 am

≫ Next: I want to lavish as much attention on your vagina as if it were about to expel a royal baby.

≪ Previous: If it wasn't for the royal baby, I wouldn't have anything to not care about right now.

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I want to lavish as much attention on your vagina as if it were about to expel a royal baby.

July 22, 2013, 8:25 am

≫ Next: I hope Kate Middleton's labor is less painful than me having to hear about it.

≪ Previous: Even without relentless worldwide media attention, I'm confident we'll see more pictures of your baby than Kate Middleton's.

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I hope Kate Middleton's labor is less painful than me having to hear about it.

July 22, 2013, 8:41 am

≫ Next: Condolences to Prince William on the the royal vagina's ruination.

≪ Previous: I want to lavish as much attention on your vagina as if it were about to expel a royal baby.

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Condolences to Prince William on the the royal vagina's ruination.

July 22, 2013, 9:24 am

≫ Next: Congratulations to the royal baby on escaping the womb of a commoner.

≪ Previous: I hope Kate Middleton's labor is less painful than me having to hear about it.

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Congratulations to the royal baby on escaping the womb of a commoner.

July 22, 2013, 9:52 am

≫ Next: Let's make Monday at our crappy jobs slightly more depressing with constant reminders that we weren't born into royalty.

≪ Previous: Condolences to Prince William on the the royal vagina's ruination.

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Let's make Monday at our crappy jobs slightly more depressing with constant reminders that we weren't born into royalty.

July 22, 2013, 10:27 am

≫ Next: Happy birthday to someone who still looks as young as they do in whatever year their Facebook photo is from.

≪ Previous: Congratulations to the royal baby on escaping the womb of a commoner.

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Happy birthday to someone who still looks as young as they do in whatever year their Facebook photo is from.

July 22, 2013, 11:54 am

≫ Next: Let's welcome the royal baby boy into a world where millions of people lost money by incorrectly guessing his gender.

≪ Previous: Let's make Monday at our crappy jobs slightly more depressing with constant reminders that we weren't born into royalty.

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Let's welcome the royal baby boy into a world where millions of people lost money by incorrectly guessing his gender.

July 22, 2013, 1:19 pm

≫ Next: Best of luck to the royal baby boy on not inheriting his father's male pattern baldness.

≪ Previous: Happy birthday to someone who still looks as young as they do in whatever year their Facebook photo is from.

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Best of luck to the royal baby boy on not inheriting his father's male pattern baldness.

July 22, 2013, 1:43 pm

≫ Next: Happy birthday to someone I’ve only known long enough to hopefully get away with just sending an ecard to.

≪ Previous: Let's welcome the royal baby boy into a world where millions of people lost money by incorrectly guessing his gender.

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Happy birthday to someone I’ve only known long enough to hopefully get away with just sending an ecard to.

July 22, 2013, 1:54 pm

≫ Next: You're going to be a great MILF.

≪ Previous: Best of luck to the royal baby boy on not inheriting his father's male pattern baldness.

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You're going to be a great MILF.

July 22, 2013, 5:58 pm

≫ Next: Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.

≪ Previous: Happy birthday to someone I’ve only known long enough to hopefully get away with just sending an ecard to.

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Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.

July 23, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Your genitals look familiar.

≪ Previous: You're going to be a great MILF.

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Your genitals look familiar.

July 23, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 23, 2013

≪ Previous: Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 23, 2013

July 23, 2013, 7:06 am

≫ Next: Rest assured that head lice is no more humiliating than every other aspect of being a kid.

≪ Previous: Your genitals look familiar.

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What's threatening the pope's life? Who's getting in the way of Brits from "flogging the Anglican bishop"? Where are Obama's approval ratings? Find out the answers to these questions and then two other questions you'll have to make up yourself in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.

Let's learn together >>

Rest assured that head lice is no more humiliating than every other aspect of being a kid.

July 23, 2013, 8:01 am

≫ Next: Here's to doing as little work today as the royal baby will do in his entire life.

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 23, 2013

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Here's to doing as little work today as the royal baby will do in his entire life.

July 23, 2013, 9:08 am

≫ Next: Happy birthday to my favorite commoner.

≪ Previous: Rest assured that head lice is no more humiliating than every other aspect of being a kid.

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Happy birthday to my favorite commoner.

July 23, 2013, 9:46 am

≫ Next: Rather than banning porn, I wish Britain would ban updates on the royal family.

≪ Previous: Here's to doing as little work today as the royal baby will do in his entire life.

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