A teacher received this incredibly persuasive note from a student wanting to sit near his crush.

December 5, 2014, 7:48 am

≪ Previous: A woman got asked out by the guy who bullied her as a kid, so she stood him up with this awesome note.

"A" for effort, "D" for spelling.(via reddit)

The middle school student who authored this note to his teacher may have a future in politics, because there are congressional representatives who aren't as good at explaining why they deserve the seats they occupy. Not only does he have a natural gift for slinging BS, he's willing to put it in writing.

"Ms. Stouffer" teaches "the younger end of middle school," and when she switched her students' seating around, one of the boys had a problem with it. He claims it's because he didn't like sitting next to Tori because of their pencil cases having the same locks, which wouldn't be a problem if Tori had her own key, which she doesn't. Why that led to him playing the old "I just locked your pencil case" trick isn't explained. Also not addressed is the larger issue that we've reached a point as a society where middle school kids need locks on their pencil cases.

But none of that matters much in this particular case, because as the letter goes on, it becomes clear that Tori is just a pawn in this kid's game of young love. His seat change request has nothing to do with Tori or her pencil case, and everything to do with the "atractive" girl he's crushing on.

The teacher says she hasn't decided whether or not to change his seat, or whether or not she'll honor his request that she not "anownce" it to the rest of the class. Though, that may no longer be an issue seeing as she's already posted it to reddit.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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Mark as read.

December 5, 2014, 8:01 am

≫ Next: Checked out.

≪ Previous: A teacher received this incredibly persuasive note from a student wanting to sit near his crush.

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Checked out.

December 5, 2014, 8:24 am

≫ Next: This extremely detailed shopping list suggests this guy's girlfriend may have trouble trusting him.

≪ Previous: Mark as read.

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This extremely detailed shopping list suggests this guy's girlfriend may have trouble trusting him.

December 5, 2014, 8:26 am

≫ Next: Grand Theft Auto fans are petitioning Target to change their "violent name and logo."

≪ Previous: Checked out.

Walk directly past the sour cream. Do not buy sour cream.

Redditor Blinkinator's girlfriend has some trust issues. She isn't afraid he'll cheat on her; she's afraid he'll freak out and buy the wrong frozen mixed vegetables. She drew him a map of where to find the buttermilk. She has so little confidence in his ability to do a simple task that she even gives him instructions for what to do if he can't find an item: ask someone who works there.

And oh, then she has to go and humiliate him by telling him he can pick whatever tortilla chips he wants (he picked Tostitos, for the record). That smiley face is devastating. You are a child, Blinkinator, and your girlfriend knows it.

According to the girlfriend, who surprised her man by showing up on the reddit thread, she "actually considered putting pictures of each item so it'll be easier." I want to chastise the girlfriend for being too controlling, but honestly, my husband sucks at grocery shopping, too. After so many years, why doesn't he know what rolls we get?

It sort of seems like this girlfriend could use some grocery shopping help herself...canned chicken, really?

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

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Grand Theft Auto fans are petitioning Target to change their "violent name and logo."

December 5, 2014, 8:27 am

≫ Next: Hard to top.

≪ Previous: This extremely detailed shopping list suggests this guy's girlfriend may have trouble trusting him.

No Target is safe!

You can call it Tar-jay like a french aristocrat all you want, but GTA5 fans will not be lulled into the sheep mindset that Target is not inherently violent.

After Australian Target's decision to bow to a change.org petition demanding that violent and sexist video game Grand Theft Auto 5 be taken off their shelves, violent and sexist GTA5 fans followed Newton's 3rd law of motion and responded to this action with an equal and opposite reaction. They have filed a petition for Target to admit to their hypocritical ways and change their "violent name and logo."

The original change.org petition asked Target to "Please put ethics before profits and make a strong statement that you do not condone sexual violence, sexual exploitation, or the abuse of women as 'entertainment.'"

After that petition got over 42,000 signatures, hypocritical Target bent on the issue and removed the game from the shelves.

This from a company who uses a bullseye as their logo?

Shouldn't they be in support of a game where you can pick up a prostitute, have her perform every sex act available on you, argue with her over whether or not you've eaten asparagus, and then hit her with your car and then light her on fire and then shoot her with a rifle?

As the new petition with 2,255 supporters so far states, the "Target name and logo is offensive and promotes violence within the community by encouraging people to aim at and shoot things. It is a gross violation of our visual right not to be accosted by their inflammatory and aggressive marketing technique."

So far, the only thing they've shot down is the people's ability to play first-person prostitution and murder simulation video games, but where will that violence end? Who will be Target's next target? Rap music? War biographies?

And what about this Braveheart-like scene where a Target manager relates Black Friday customers to angry hordes in battle looking for bargains?

Sure, he tells them to meet those customers with smiles, but we know that "smiles" is just code for "an inadequate selection of sexually violent video games."

SMH.

(by Myka Fox)

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Hard to top.

December 5, 2014, 8:40 am

≫ Next: Making scenes.

≪ Previous: Grand Theft Auto fans are petitioning Target to change their "violent name and logo."

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Making scenes.

December 5, 2014, 8:49 am

≫ Next: iPad Air

≪ Previous: Hard to top.

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iPad Air

December 6, 2014, 1:20 am

≫ Next: Skating by.

≪ Previous: Making scenes.

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Skating by.

December 5, 2014, 9:30 am

≫ Next: 8 Honest Christmas Gift Tags

≪ Previous: iPad Air

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8 Honest Christmas Gift Tags

December 5, 2014, 9:30 am

≫ Next: This may or may not be Taylor Swift making out with a Victoria's Secret model.

≪ Previous: Skating by.

(by Jake Currie and Dan Wilbur. Designed by Cole Mitchell)

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This may or may not be Taylor Swift making out with a Victoria's Secret model.

December 5, 2014, 9:34 am

≫ Next: This is what a former war reporter texted his son to tell him he was hit by a 20 ton truck.

≪ Previous: 8 Honest Christmas Gift Tags

Screw the Higgs Boson. This is the most important discovery of the decade. Maybe. Sorta.

Taylor Swift is like quantum physics in that she is, at any moment, simultaneously making out with and writing a vicious breakup song about every other famous person in the universe. Who is the latest guy to get dragged into her probabilistic nightmare of doomed romance? Noted non-dude and Victoria's Secret supermodel Karlie Kloss. Swift has been at the center of bisexuality speculation with Kloss before, which I find exciting less for the vicarious eye-candy and more to hear what it will sound like when a woman is destroyed by one of Tay-Tay's chart-topping revenge anthems for a change.

exclusive taylor and karlie making out #confirmed pic.twitter.com/cmumxBa4fQ
— kathy (@kathyparkk) December 5, 2014

Last year, a rumor about these two was debunked—a tale that they had moved in together—but their BFF status is definite (and by "definite" I mean "until she gets Selena Gomez'd"). Check out this photo Swift posted to Instagram of the two while Swift was hosting the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

Yes, who doesn't love to watch our friends go to work?(via)

Indeed, Swifty was becoming besties with all the leggy angels, just a year after they talked smack about her last time (possibly to have Swift ban the models who were mean to her).

You are all rail-thin. Unless there's 3 other people back there, you have more room. (via)

Now, some might say that this picture of Swift "kissing" Kloss is a red herring because it was taken at a The 1975s concert that Swift was attending so that she could pursue the band's lead singer, Matt Healy, with whom she has definitely been romantically linked (here they are together saying hi to a fan).

In fact, one MTV commenter even claims that it was Matt Healy's sexy gaze that pushed Swift into Kloss's golden blonde hair for refuge.

Or maybe they went nuts because she made out with a supermodel. Who can say?

That's the beauty of Taylor Swift romance physics, though. Just because she was engaging in some hot-and-heavy eye-boning from the balcony doesn't mean she was not also making out with a Victoria's Secret model. In fact, maybe the reason the photo is blurry is that the universe could not be forced to make up its mind which rumor it liked better.

According to my math, Taylor Swift has already dumped 3 of these women. (via)

So, let's just use the fact that merely observing something in quantum physics can affect the result of the experiment. Let's start a rumor ourselves that Taylor is involved with both of them in a very sexy open relationship, and we'll see just how much Swiftian romance the fabric of spacetime can handle before it collapses into a moody triple-platinum black hole of breakup angst. We can be like Heisenberg, if he was known for gossip instead of uncertainty principles and meth.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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This is what a former war reporter texted his son to tell him he was hit by a 20 ton truck.

December 5, 2014, 10:10 am

≫ Next: This hilarious WWE clip will remind you that the purity of wrestling's fakeness is firmly intact.

≪ Previous: This may or may not be Taylor Swift making out with a Victoria's Secret model.

What a rush!

He just sent a text with this picture, details be damned.

When dad talked to his son, redditor beckhamesque, on the phone, he said, "Yeah I guess I should probably be dead," and then laughed.

He laughed. He laughed in the face of death, because beckhamesqe's dad is a total badass.

As beckhamesque tells it, what had happened was, Rad Dad was in the "middle lane next to the truck, and it just pulled out into him. Front of the car got pinned underneath and dragged for about 50m before popping out again. At which point the driver still hadn't seen him, and hit him again."

According to the son's story in the comments section, Rad Dad had been a foreign corespondent in a previous life, so getting into car accidents with trucks doesn't rate very high on his list of things that should have killed him. He has also been subject to "getting caught in the blast radius of an IRA car bomb, being accused of spying, imprisoned and sentenced to death under the Idi Amin regime in Uganda, diving head first into an open sewer in Tehran during the Iranian Revolution when the military opened fire on the protesting crowds, losing an eye, and falling off an 80-ft cliff whilst off-piste skiing in France."

If that were me, I wouldn't leave the house. How is he still alive? This dad must be a cat.

(by Myka Fox)

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This hilarious WWE clip will remind you that the purity of wrestling's fakeness is firmly intact.

December 5, 2014, 10:24 am

≫ Next: Engineer creates a robot to help him win Tinder.

≪ Previous: This is what a former war reporter texted his son to tell him he was hit by a 20 ton truck.

And now, Triple H will perform an interpretive dance to "Let It Go."

This clip is originally from March, but it reemerged today on Digg and it's a great reminder of why people really watch pro wrestling: the magic of acting (and perhaps actual magic, since Triple H seems to have been put into a trance by Randy Orton's enchanted boot). The WWE's fakeness has long since ceased to be the laughingstock it once was as more and more people appreciate the organization for what it is: a soap opera that's been running almost as long as General Hospital, except with a few more over-the-top fights.

In this world of declining standards, I'm glad the WWE refuses to water down their theatrics.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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Engineer creates a robot to help him win Tinder.

December 5, 2014, 10:24 am

≫ Next: Dog wakes up friend having a bad dream.

≪ Previous: This hilarious WWE clip will remind you that the purity of wrestling's fakeness is firmly intact.

Because nothing is worse than accidentally swiping left on your soul mate.

An engineer has created a robot that will alleviate sweatshop conditions and simultaneously clean the world's water supply.

Just kidding, he made one that will swipe right on all his potential Tinder matches.

The common mentality has long since deemed Tinder to be as much of a game as it is a hookup app, and to increase one's chances of winning, one must swipe right (select as a love interest, grandma) indiscriminately.

Of course, that can get tiresome. To save his hand and wrist strength for much more pressing activities, engineer James Befurt created this finger-swiping simulation device.

And if you think that's creepy, wait till you see the robot he created to make love to the Tinder dates he manages to get home.

(by Myka Fox)

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Dog wakes up friend having a bad dream.

December 5, 2014, 10:43 am

≫ Next: Social Media Manager

≪ Previous: Engineer creates a robot to help him win Tinder.

Shhh, it's over now.

What do dogs have nightmares about? An endless hallway full of doors with doorbells that no one is ringing? Showing up at doggy daycare fully clothed? Having to take an obedience exam they never studied for?

Whatever fearful demons haunt his dreams, when Jackson suffers, his friend Laika responds. She is at his side in an instant, ready to wake him, calm him and reassure him that was just a dream, and there are plenty of hydrants he hasn't peed on yet.

You can see more photos of Jackson, who seems to have quite the doggy modeling career, on Instagram.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

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Social Media Manager

December 6, 2014, 1:20 am

≫ Next: Man cuts into a dead shark to save three live shark babies.

≪ Previous: Dog wakes up friend having a bad dream.

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Man cuts into a dead shark to save three live shark babies.

December 5, 2014, 11:06 am

≫ Next: Doctor

≪ Previous: Social Media Manager

When God closes a door, he opens a dead shark's carcass.

A video was uploaded to YouTube on Monday of this group of beach-goers in South Africa finding a dead shark. Or, at least, they thought it was dead, but they noticed that something inside was definitely moving. You know what they say, when life gives you dead sharks that have something moving inside, cut that shark with a knife that you just happened to be carrying with you on the beach.

While there was a doctor present, the woman claimed she was not capable of a "sea-section" because she was just a dermatologist. I think Seinfeld would be satisfied by this assessment.

Nevertheless, the man with the knife manages to rescue three baby sharks one by one, and flings them into the ocean to fend for themselves. Don't worry about them, a little re search shows that mama sharks regularly abandon their young after giving birth, and that "baby sharks instinctively know how to survive immediately."

Someone off-camera continuously warns the children in the party to "back up," causing another to defend the kids by saying, "All idiots that are cutting on a shark, back up."

Touché. If anyone is in danger, it's the guy with the knife and his bare hands close to baby sharks. If he can do that, surely a kid can watch. What's the point of hacking into a dead shark to save its babies if everyone can't enjoy it?

(by Myka Fox)

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Doctor

December 6, 2014, 1:20 am

≫ Next: Ruff winter.

≪ Previous: Man cuts into a dead shark to save three live shark babies.

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Ruff winter.

December 5, 2014, 11:28 am

≫ Next: A football player Tweeted the sexts between his wife and Dallas Cowboys' running back DeMarco Murray.

≪ Previous: Doctor

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A football player Tweeted the sexts between his wife and Dallas Cowboys' running back DeMarco Murray.

December 5, 2014, 11:55 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 5, 2014

≪ Previous: Ruff winter.

Sniffing around for clues.(via Twitter)

Last week, college football star Brennan Clay found out his wife Gina D'agostino was having an affair with his old Oklahoma teammate and current running back for the Dallas Cowboys, DeMarcus Murray. Instead of using his hands and making matters worse for everyone involved, he used his fingers and his Twitter account to express his disappointment.

So Demarco Murray was having an affair with my wife ..I'm done ..@demarcomurray and @gina_edagos0126 ..1 has a baby momma and she has 2 kids
— Brennan Clay (@BrennanClay24) November 30, 2014

Only he wasn't done, because at some point he got his hands on her phone and discovered proof of their relationship. I can't say how I'd react if I found sexts between my wife and one of the best running backs in the NFL. I'd probably want to show at least a few people, because, c'mon, it's a pretty big deal. Clay decided to share them with his 36,000 Twitter followers.

Gina and Demarco's exchange Oct. 5th after I kissed her two kids goodbye at the airport I left for my workout to the Chargers ..
— Brennan Clay (@BrennanClay24) December 5, 2014

pic.twitter.com/36ngAV7RHF
— Brennan Clay (@BrennanClay24) December 5, 2014

The phone numbers are blurred out, but it's obvious that they're planning to have sex, just as soon as they're able to nail down a location. The discovery had to be painful for Clay, but at least the pic provided the second reference to the fact that he's working out with the San Diego Chargers (#HumbleBrag).

As painful as it must have been, he was able to find some humor in the situation, after realizing that his wife kept Murray's number in her phone under "Spray Tan."

She saved his number under Spray Tan ..lol
— Brennan Clay (@BrennanClay24) December 5, 2014

And if you don't believe that's his number ..ol boy from Vegas ..702 area code .. pic.twitter.com/Cjlk2BJBTE
— Brennan Clay (@BrennanClay24) December 5, 2014