Don't let the chair go down on me.

Rocket Man Elton John blasted off his chair while attempting to sit on the sidelines during a charity tennis match at Royal Albert Hall Sunday in London.

The knighted star high-fived his teammates before taking a seat, and then tipped backwards into his chair with a Thee Stooges-esque fall. The crowd fell too — into a hush — as they watched his feet fly above his head, and then broke into laughter and applause once he rebounded.

Sir Elton ended up being fine, and the match continued as normal. But I think we all learned an important lesson today, and that is that Sir Elton Hercule John plays tennis...

I'm still standing. (Via)

(by Myka Fox)

The three wise men rode in on freaky giraffes that were like, "AIEEEIAEEEEE."

Every Christmas, there's an "it" toy that all the kids want. This little guy, purchased for $10 at a "knockoff toy store," is not that. This is a satanic giraffe that is hell-bent on your destruction. It shuffles forward jerkily, caught under the spell of an evil wizard. It screams and hisses like a kettle boiling over with arsenic. It bows to an invisible demon god and tries to breathe fire but instead just sits there, impotent, with its creepy pink mouth hanging open. Any child who finds this giraffe under his or her tree is doomed to a life haunted by spirits from the stuffed animal netherworld.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

5. Naturalist Paul Rosolie, who couldn't even get himself eaten by an anaconda.

(via @PaulRosolie)

Can you believe an outrageous-sounding TV stunt didn't deliver? Naturalist Paul Rosolie appeared on the Discovery Channel's Eaten Alive last night, with promises that he would get eaten alive by a 25-foot anaconda. He donned a special snake-proof suit, and searched for the perfect anaconda. But then the guy gets a tiny bit eaten—down to the shoulder—freaks out, and calls the whole thing off. What a snooze fest. Even the anaconda looked bored. More like #NotEatenAliveCauseHeChickenedOut, amirite? The Internet is not amused with Mr. Rosolie today.

4. The people behind two shady science journals, which got tricked into publishing a fake study by Edna Crabappel and Maggie Simpson.

(FOX)

In the world of academia, the need to get published is so important that fake journals prey on desperate scientists by spamming them with requests for submissions. Two such journals—The Journal of Computational Intelligence and Electronic Systems and the Aperito Journal of NanoScience Technology—are some of the worst offenders when it comes to publishing papers for a fee without subjecting them to peer review. This summer, an annoyed engineer, Alex Smolyanitsky, set out to expose these journals for what they are when he submitted a fake paper ostensibly written by Edna Krabappel, Maggie Simpson, and Kim Jong Fun. The contents were computer-generated science gibberish. Within a month, both journals had accepted the paper; one of them then sent him an invoice for $459. The lesson for both real scientists and fake journals is the same: if something online seems obviously fake, it probably is.

3. Kate Middleton, because god knows she wants to curl up with a hot cup of tea right now instead of traipsing around New York.

(Getty)

We can have sympathy for the poor benevolent monarchs from across the pond because of the Revolutionary War. They no longer rule us; therefore, they are just like us. Today, we're feeling sorry for Kate Middleton, who is 5 months pregnant, has a 17-month-old, and has been forced (probably by the queen, who always seemed a bit evil to us) to traipse around New York City in the blustery cold. No staff is big enough to make up for that feeling when you're pregnant of just wanting to curl up in a ball in bed and have someone rub your toes while you watch Game of Thrones. You do not not not want to take a 72-hour trip overseas. And worst of all, she can't even walk around with a huge grimace on her face! She has to pretend it's lovely.

2. People who don't live in Australia and therefore can't get Doritos-crust pizza from Pizza Hut.

(via Facebook)

I've always taken a certain amount of pride in the disgusting concoctions American fast food chains come up with. We're the Wild West of sandwiches made with a donut instead of bread. So, it's a little disappointing that this latest wonderful monstrosity comes courtesy of Pizza Hut Australia and won't be available (yet) in the U.S. For a limited time, you lucky Aussies can enjoy the Doritos Crunchy Crust pizza at Pizza Hut: a mozzarella-stuffed crust topped with nacho cheese Doritos and cheddar cheese. It actually sounds pretty good—cheesy, chewy pizza balanced by the vegetable-like crunchiness of Doritos—but more importantly, I'm sure you feel great after eating one of these.

1. Anyone whose office holiday party is this week.

(bullshit file photo)

This time of year can be a difficult one for a lot of people, and the reason for that is office holiday parties. The one upside to the holidays is getting time away from your coworkers for a bit. By the time you get back from a week with family, you're actually happy to see the people you work with—they may drive you crazy, but at least you can quit them anytime you want! Office holiday parties bring together the worst aspects of the holidays—the endless socializing, the log-shaped food items, the forced cheer—and the rest of the year—work—to create a toxic environment that can only be countered with professionalism and a good attitude and/or binge drinking.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Alex Proud and friend.(pic via Twitter)

Word of warning if you're in the same bar as the holiday party for a "major international car brand" this December. Try to act real straight and manly or you'll scare the living crap out of them.

Alex Proud, owner of the Proud Camden bar in London, received this panicked email from an employee of said car company, which had booked their office Christmas party in his space.

Proud Camden is described as an art gallery and music venue on Yelp, and its website looks like that of any mid-size music venue (with some good lineups) and offers no hint as to the predominate sexuality of its clientele. But the employees of this "major international car brand" were apparently so frightened by the word "Proud" in the bar's name that they had to be sure no one would be committing any sins against their God by attending a crappy company holiday party.

Rather than hang onto the cash from this booking and reassure the frightened car manufacturers that they were safe from homoeroticism, Alex Proud instead decided to kick their holiday cheer to the curb.

So this happened. Major International car brand sent this homophobic e mail. Really shocked this still happens. pic.twitter.com/XAGBymJeog
— Alex Proud (@AlexanderProud) December 5, 2014

Yes, cancelling a party booking like that probably cost him a nice hunk of cash, but you can't put a price on the kind of free publicity he's getting by not suffering bigots during the holiday season. And best of all, it's one less awful office holiday party he has to be witness to. Win-win.

(by Bob Powers)

Flavor of love.

Relationships are all about compromise. There has to be a fair amount of give and take for any partnership to work. In this case, it's about the Rottweiler giving the cat a tongue bath for as long as he wants, and the cat taking it. That may not sound like an ideal situation for most couples, but it seems to be working for them. The dog clearly loves the cat—or at least how the cat tastes—and the cat gets to have a head as clean as any cat could hope for.

You don't always get everything you want in a relationship. And, more than anything, this cat just wants to live.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Hairy metal.

Some cats act so wild and independent, they make you wonder how they ever became house pets in the first place. While others are so tame, and behave so much like humans they remind us of ourselves. Like Buddy, seen here in this video that's going viral for a second time, acting like an unemployed metalhead stoner, chilling on the couch while debating whether or not he should call in sick to his part-time job to watch Slayer videos all day, or quit all together and finally start his own band. It must be a pretty sweet feeling to snap out of a daydream like that and remember that chilling on the couch is your actual job.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

1. Taylor Swift Is Finally Being Recognized As One Of The Most Important People Who Has Ever Lived

Time Magazine has announced that pop musician Taylor Swift is included—alongside Apple CEO Tim Cook, the Ferguson protesters and the Ebola medical caregivers—on their shortlist for their annual Person of the Year honor. She has also been named as the most powerful woman in the British media by the Guardian. In retrospect, that song Shake It Off is pretty catchy, so I guess this makes sense.

If Taylor Swift is Time Magazine's Person of the Year, the terrorists haven't won. They'll just have to wait for next year for another shot.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) December 8, 2014

2. Grumpy Cat Is Part Of The One Purr-cent

Tardar Sauce, the two-year-old feline performer more commonly known as Grumpy Cat, has earned nearly $100 million dollars in book sales, performance fees and ad dollars since being introduced to the Internet in September 2012. Think long and hard about that while you're juggling your finances to pay rent at the end of this holiday season.

Report: Grumpy Cat earned more than Gwyneth Paltrow in 2014. Also, Grumpy Cat has a sunnier disposition. #GrumpyCathttp://t.co/PGF6NynPG6

— Frank Santopadre (@Franksantopadre) December 8, 2014

3. NFL Game Unexpectedly Erupts Into Violence

Carolina Panthers tight end Brandon Williams was ejected from yesterday's game against the New Orleans Saints after he was seen throwing punching during a huge brawl that broke out in the first quarter. Unfortunately, that was pretty much the last exciting thing to happen in the game, as the Panthers went on to embarrass the Saints on their home turf with a 41-10 win.

The thing about watching football is even if you're not interested in the game, at least the players are still terrible people.

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 7, 2014

4. Mark Wahlberg Is Looking To Be Pardoned For Crimes Even Worse Than The Happening

Mark Wahlberg filed a formal petition with the state of Massachusetts to be pardoned for having bashed a Korean store owner in the head so badly that he permanently lost sight in one eye while yelling racial epithets at him back in 1988. "I am deeply sorry for the actions that I took on the night of April 8, 1988, as well as for any lasting damage I may have caused the victims," Wahlberg stated in the petition. Unfortunately, this is as close to an actual apology as he has ever issued to the guy whose head he smashed in.

Mark Wahlberg pointing out that he used to be a violent racist in this current climate seems like a bad move.

— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) December 6, 2014

5. All Of Life's Problems To Soon Dissolve Away Into Nostalgic Bowl Of French Toast Crunch

It's hard to believe that a food that is made up of dozens of tiny pieces of hyper-sweet french toast drowned in a bowl of rich, fattening milk could ever be pulled from America's store shelves, but that's exactly what happened eight years ago when General Mills inexplicably discontinued its French Toast Crunch cereal. The Fortune 500 corporation is righting that great wrong now, announcing that the deliciously unhealthy breakfast product will once again be contributing to the country's continued obesity and diabetes problems starting in January.

French Toast Crunch is back? That's cool and all but here's the cereal the world REALLY needs... pic.twitter.com/2ciXzuud1M

— Stay Puft (@staypuft) December 5, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

No joke though, Kate McKinnon's Bieber is flawless.

James Franco hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend. Franco is widely-known as a fun-loving actor who is up for anything and willing to be weird, but he's also known as someone who hates doing what's expected, even if what's expected is for him to do well. So, he let Nicki Minaj steal the show. Granted, Franco probably doesn't have the physical attributes to impersonate Kim Kardashian, and no matter what Nicki probably would have made headlines for sending up Kim K's world-famous nude photo shoot in Paper magazine last month.

Earlier in the show, SNL sent up the rap world with their "Hip Hop Nativity" sketch, and both Franco and Minaj appeared as Riff Raff and Beyoncé, respectively. Now, you'd expect that as a world-famous performer, Nicki Minaj should have the edge here, but Franco once portrayed (a character based on) Riff Raff for an entire movie. Nonetheless, it is Minaj's hand-motion theatrics as Queen Bey that comes off as the best impersonation in this celeb-studded sketch (after, perhaps, Jay Pharoah's Kanye. I'd be interested to think what Minaj's Kardashian thought of Pharoah's West).

This moment was helpfully immortalized in Vine form if you don't feel like waiting for the other imitations to take their turns.

Nicki's hair seems to have left its multi-colored hues in the past, and she is increasingly assuming a speaking role in the pop culture pantheon (as opposed to "the musical guest who occasionally makes awesome faces" role) as she prepares to release her new album The Pinkprint. Hopefully, she keeps her comedy chops honed, because there's nothing America loves more than celebrities doing celebrity impressions. It's how you get invited to do talk shows until you're 80.

(by Johnny McNulty)

CNNHNIWIT - CNN Has No Idea What I'm Texting

CNN has become the embarrassingly uncool mom of cable news. It seems like once every year, someone is trying to understand the "crazy ways" kids communicate because simply talking to their children is just not possible.

This year, CNN put out a list of "28 Internet acronyms every parent should know."

One thing that makes this list ridiculous is that if you actually have access to your kid's texts, you already know plenty. If someone wrote an acronym for "send me a naked pic," you would know it, because the next text would a a picture of somebody naked.

Another thing that makes this list ridiculous is that these acronyms either don't exist, stand for something else, or are extremely outdated. I might not be a teen, but I know how teens communicate because every time I'm faced with slang I don't understand, I go straight to Urban Dictionary and it never lets me down. UD is a generated by users, much like Wikipedia, and each definition is voted on by the public. As such, it is truly a legitimate source of modern phrases and slang; they even have audio files where people can upload how the each word or phrase is pronounced so you don't sound like an idiot when you try to use it. Unfortunately, the type of people who haven't heard of Urban Dictionary are also likely the people who trust that CNN knows what teenagers are up to, so I've gone ahead and done the work of fact-checking CNN's insights against Urban Dictionary .

Thus, I present to you CNN's list of made up acronyms and definitions, and the actual definitions of them from Urban Dictionary as professed by the people who use them:

1. IWSN - I want sex now

UD Definition: "For lazy people and as a joke. "

2. GNOC - Get naked on camera

Seemed plausible, but UrbanDictionary's definition directly states that no one uses except for sexual predators,, and the example indicates that even then, a teen wouldn't know what it is:

"Get Nude On Cam, Mostly Used In Sex Chat Room's But Not Many People Use It And Its Mostly Used By Pedo's.

pedo: asl ?
young girl: 14-f-uk
pedo: GNOC
young girl : huh ?"

3. NIFOC - Naked in front of computer

This one checks out, but the fact that only one person entered it into the site implies that it is not used often. (Common phrases and acronyms can have hundreds of people submitting definitions.)

4. PIR - Parent in room

UD only has one definition of confirming this interpretation, and it was contributed in 2003, back when kids used chatrooms. A more recent interpretation was that it stands for "Price Is Right."

5 CU46 - See you for sex

Just one definition. Barely anyone voted on it so not that common.

6. 53X - Sex

Same as above, also a decade old.

7. 9 - Parent watching

Ironically, "Parent watching" comes up as the 9th most valid definition, after referencing guns, or the number that 7 ate. And that definition was from 2005.

8. 99 - Parent gone

Same as above

9. 1174'- Party meeting place

This definition is not corroborated at all on UD, with our without that ridiculous apostrophe.

10. THOT - That hoe over there

You've already heard of this one. Yes it is the correct definition, but no, it has nothing to do with sexting.

11. CID - Acid (the drug)

From 2006:

"Drug slang term for lsd, or "acid". Considered by myself to be one of the most useless and stupid terms because it is only one letter away from the actual name of the drug, duh."

A more recent definition of it is "caffeine induced dump."

12. Broken - Hungover from alcohol

UD has over 150 entries for this term, none of them include being hungover.

13. 420 - Marijuana

Duh. If you are a parent who doesn't already know this, then you also don't know how to spy on your kid's texts.

14. POS - Parent over shoulder

I don't need to look in UD to know that the most common use of this abbreviation is for "piece of shit." But I checked and did find this 2003 definition of it:

"Another gay instant messenger abbreviation created by losers with no life. Means 'parent over shoulder.'"

15. SUGARPIC - Suggestive or erotic photo

Only one entry for this. It does confirm, but it is from 2005.

16. KOTL - Kiss on the lips

First definition on UD demonstrates how most people don't know what this means:

curiousgirl: "What does KOTL mean?"
cleverguy: "Come over here, I'll show you..."

17. (L)MIRL - Let's meet in real life

UD has no definition for (L)MIRL but it does have MIRL, where it favors the definition "girl who looks like a man." When "meet in real life" finally appears as the fourth most popular definition, pedophiles make their second appearance on this list as "The pedophilic [sic] acronym for Meet In Real Life."

18. PRON - Porn

Technically correct, although it is actually supposed to be "pr0n," with a zero instead of an "o." Besides, anyone who can't decode that themselves should have their children taken away because they are too dumb to raise them.

19. TDTM - Talk dirty to me

Correct, but from 2004, and is so old it is defined as "like the Poison song."

20. 8 - Oral sex

This one is legit. Get it? "Ate."

21. CD9 - Parents around/Code 9

Even less commonly used than "9"

22. IPN - I'm posting naked

Barely.

23. LH6 - Let's have sex

Barely.

24. WTTP - Want to trade pictures?

Not at all.

25. DOC - Drug of choice

All the way down as the 7th definition, and from 2007.

26. TWD - Texting while driving

Legit.

27. GYPO - Get your pants off

Nope. This is just a derogatory term for gypsy. (Although one person suggested it could stand for "get your penis out.")

28. KPC- Keeping parents clueless

Not at all.

If they really want an acronym that stands for keeping parents clueless, the should go with "CNN."

(by Myka Fox)

An elegant walking device from a more civilized age.

You may have noticed that the one very important thing missing from the teaser trailer for Star Wars: The Force Awakens was any hint about the lives of the main characters from the original trilogy. There might be a good reason reason for that.

This film reportedly takes place about thirty years after the events of Return of the Jedi. That means that Han Solo, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia are probably getting up there in years. And, as this parody video from latest episode of Saturday Night Live is positing, spacetime may not have been very kind to the battle-weary old rebels:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

"In here, it's always possible you'll leave with lacerations." (via TGI Fridays)

TGI Friday's Mobile Mistletoe drones debuted Thursday at the restaurant's only Brooklyn location, and there was blood everywhere.

The two remote-controlled drones fly around the restaurant holding sprigs of mistletoe and encouraging patrons to smooch. A photographer for the Brooklyn Daily was on hand to capture the big moment and got cut on the nose and chin when a drone flew into her face.

The @TGIFridays mistletoe #drones caused one injury in Sheepshead Bay: http://t.co/hf3crapQZZpic.twitter.com/w5lEtHaj97

— Vanessa Ogle (@oglevanessa) December 8, 2014

The incident seems to have occurred when the drone controller landed a drone on the reporter's hand; she flinched, and it flew in the photographer's face. So far, the restaurant hasn't taken any responsibility for the incident.

We've seen drones do some pretty incredible things—both good and bad. But flying them indoors seems like it's obviously a terribly unsafe idea.

Aside from that, roving mistletoe just doesn't feel very sporting. The whole point of mistletoe is that you're supposed to lure the object of your desire under a doorway on false pretenses—"Gerry, come tell me about this mezuzah"—so that you can then pretend to be surprised you have to kiss. You know who you're going to end up smooching in a TGI Friday's? Your coworkers, your grandparents, and your middle-school-aged children—all terrible kissers!

(by Shira Rachel Danan)