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Dangerously cheery.


Bad Santa.

"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" in a minor key will straight up make you want to die.

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Tis the season to crawl under a rock forever.

Ready to get super down about the holidays?

Chase Holfelder, who brought us "Every Breath You Take" in a minor key, brings his signature brand of turning songs sadder to the Yuletide season with "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" in a minor key.

Sounds like the part of the Christmas movie where the main character just took a swig from a bottle of cheap whiskey and passed out on his couch, alone, on Christmas eve. Is there any opportunity for redemption on this earth?

Not if this song has anything to say about it. Make sure to stay tuned for the saddest tambourine in history at 1:40.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Single all the way.

Perfect timing.

Scrooged.

Relive your terrible roommate years in this awesome two-and-a-half minute film.

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All's well that ends with someone getting their deposit back

Chances are, you've either had a roommate at some point in your life, or you're looking behind you to make sure that lazy slob isn't reading this over your shoulder right now. You had good times and bad, and you probably would have been much better friends with the person if you didn't have to live with them. It's not that you think they're really bad people, but they did teach you that, yes, you are capable of feeling the urge to murder. On the other hand, you've probably never felt as cool as the first time you opened the door to your first adult apartment with that friend you would one day never want to see again.

Alexander Engel's short film This Is It has been burning up the Interwebs this week for one very good reason: in a rapid-fire series of scenes consisting almost entirely of the semi-rhetorical questions like "did you drink my milk" with which roommates communicate, Engel and his co-star David Gelles let you safely relive those messy years of friendship, hope, romantic triangles, and ultimate dissolution.

In a way, this is the film of our times. The 21st Century has been notable for a lot of things like iPhones and unmanned kill-bots swarming our skies, but one major trend has been the rise of roommates. In 2000, 25.4% of all American households were adult roommate households. By 2012, that number had risen to 32% (which translates to 5.4 million households that could have been created, but weren't). Since rent has increased faster than income, this is actually a huge drag on the economy. Not to mention a lot of competition for Marla.

(by Johnny McNulty)

The latest document dump from the Sony hackers reveals all the fake names used by famous actors.

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Johnny Madrid, as Tom Hanks.(via Getty)

As terrible as the massive recent hacking at Sony Pictures has been for the company, there may actually be a silver lining to the latest document dump which included the aliases of a bunch of celebrities who have worked with the film studio. Because if the group who call themselves Guardians of Peace (GOP!) are releasing the funny name Rob Schneider uses to call Uber, they may be running out of good material.

While sifting through the latest dump, Kevin Roose of Fusion discovered a folder containing "publicity bibles," which are used to compile contact information for celebrities, including the fake names they use in order to get a hotel massage without putting TMZ on high alert. Here are the names used by some of the actors who will be receiving gift baskets from Sony over the next few days:

Tom Hanks: goes by "Harry Lauder" and "Johnny Madrid" (the former of which was the name of a famous Scottish comedian, and the latter of which may be a reference to a character on Lancer, a 1960s Western series)

Sarah Michelle Gellar: goes by "Neely O'Hara" (probably a Valley of the Dolls reference)

Tobey Maguire: goes by "Neil Deep"

Natalie Portman: goes by "Lauren Brown"

Clive Owen: goes by "Robert Fenton" (his wife's name is Sarah-Jane Fenton)

Rob Schneider: goes by "Nazzo Good" (not so good – get it?)

Taye Diggs: goes by "Scott Diggs" (his real name)

Jude Law: goes by "Mr. Perry"

Daniel Craig: goes by "Olwen Williams" (an homage to his grandfather, Olwyn Williams)

Jessica Alba: goes by "Cash Money"

Ice Cube: goes by "Darius Stone" and "O'Shea Jackson" (the former of which was his character's name in XXX: State of the Union, and the latter of which is his actual name)

Debra Messing: goes by "Ava Harper"

The prime suspect in the case is North Korea, which may have orchestrated the hack in response to The Interview, the movie starring Seth Rogen and James Franco which makes fun of Kim Jong-un. If that turns out to be the case, the fact that a multi-national, multi-billion dollar operation like Sony could be take down by dial-up hackers in a country without basic cable is more embarrassing than even the worst Adam Sandler movie.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


Complete stranger lets a man know his pregnant wife was cheating on him by passing him a note at a football game on Thanksgiving.

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One Lye is enough to question all truths. (Via)

If your 8-months-pregnant wife was cheating on you, you would want to know, right? What if the only person who could tell you was a complete stranger, and that stranger shared your story on Facebook leading to the tale of her infidelity going viral?

That's what happened to one man who sat with his pregnant wife in front of a terminally honest stranger, ironically named "Lye," who just couldn't let that pregnant woman do her husband dirty. He explains his actions on Facebook:

"I was at the Detroit Lions game today when I noticed this woman who looked 8 months pregnant in a seat in front of me texting a man messages like "I wish I was with you all day" and "I will see you as soon as I'm done with him." She kept hiding her phone every time her partner put his arm around her or reached in to talk to her. So being the man that I am I couldn't help it…I had to write him a little note and on his way out after the game was done, I simply waited for him to exit and stopped in front of his woman and handed him a piece of paper and said "I don't know you and you don't know me, read this when you get home, trust me."

He looked at me confused and said "okay." And that was it, idk what happened after and I was a little tipsy but I don't care, it felt good. I hate fake people."

A man named Lye who hates fake people. It is a hero's tale. The note (pictured above) that Lye passed to his brother in harms reads:

"Hey bro, I don't know you and you don't know me. When you get home check your girls phone. She's been texting "Jason" saying she wishes she had been with him all day! Take care wish you the best Happy Thanksgiving and #Chive On!"

Happy Thanksgiving indeed. I guess now that man can be thankful for finally knowing the truth? In case you're wondering, "chive on" is a colloquialism stemming from the website thechive.com, and means "stay the course, no matter what."

It's hard to say what course Lye's "bro" is supposed to stay. Did he mean that he should stay the course by keeping his chin up despite needing to divorce the wife that is about to drop his baby, or does saying the course mean he should continue in his marriage, no matter what?

Whatever course the cuckolded man stays, Lye's job is done.

Or, so he thought. Since this story has gone viral, Lye has been under severe criticism for butting in. Some think he should have minded his own business, but as reported by Mad World News, Lye has since considered his actions, and said, "I don't regret a d*mn thing, well except the fact that I didn't leave anything for him to be able to contact me on."

Yeah, too bad they can't keep in touch. So, "bro" with the pregnant wife, if you're out there and have some words for Lye, feel free to contact him via the comments section of this post. We'll make sure he gets them.

(by Myka Fox)

Always watching out.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - December 9, 2014

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1. Barack Obama Disgraces Nation With Humorous, Charming Banter On Basic Cable Show

Barack Obama degraded the Office of the U.S. President last night by appearing on one of the final episodes of Comedy Central's Colbert Report and engaging in light-hearted conversation about politics and public policy with Stephen Colbert after participating in a humorous segment of the show in which he pokes fun at himself, Republicans and Fox News.

Part 1

Part 2


2. McDonald's To Offer 'Gourmet' Burger-Like Things

Due to recent flagging sales, the McDonald's fast food restaurant chain will soon begin serving customers higher quality versions of the hamburger-esque food products, along with a variety of customizable side-order options—such as roasted vegetables and smoked bacon—to make their orders seem more like something they shouldn't mind paying for.


3. Richard Dawkins Shocked To Discover Existence Of Ridiculous Subculture That Makes Up Massive Percent Of His Fan Base

Evolutionary biologist and professional atheist Richard Dawkins seemed genuinely surprised to learn of the existence of the Men's Rights Movement, a community of men who like to pretend that they are being subjugated by women and who are largely responsible for Dawkins' own continued popularity. "I know nothing about that," he said in response to a question from a person who was probably wearing a fedora. "But if there is discrimination against men, then that's bad too. I don't know whether there is. I haven't heard of it."


4. Do We Need To Be More 'Sensitive' To Fox News Hosts Who Say People Need To Be 'Sensitive' To Police?

Fox News host and former judge Jeanine Pirro has been catching some flak today after confidently agreeing with a viewer who wrote in to say that police do not need to be sensitive to minorities, but that "the general public needs to be trained to be more sensitive to the police and show them the respect they deserve."



5. Japanese Godzilla Is Once Again Rising From The Depths Of Time

After ten years and one highly successful Hollywood adaptation, the Japanese film production company Toho will finally be making another movie featuring its most famous creation, the enormous bipedal reptile Godzilla. No word yet on director, cast or when it will be dubbed into English and recut with an all-American cast of actors for Western distribution.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This is what happens at a local news station when the weather computers fail.

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While the weather hits a low of "question mark," the WCIV crew hits a new low altogether.

The local ABC news affiliate in Charleston, SC calls their forecast the "Pin Point Weather," but today it could have been called the "Pen Point Weather," as anchors desperately scribbled on loose paper to help out meteorologist Dave Williams after their weather computers crashed.

Williams was trying to show the "mess in the northeast," but turned out there was a "mess with the weather computer." Coming to his aid, anchor Dean Stephens creates a "question and answer session," which was really just his informal way to help get the 5-day forecast out there. Dean Stephens and Victoria Hansen (off screen) complete the scene with hand-drawn scribblings of clouds and suns that could rival a kindergartner's.

Williams gives up on using a professional weather map at about 1:25.

Man, I hate it when the temperature falls into the question marks.

(by Myka Fox)

Caroling

One 'Game of Thrones' fan turned his Christmas tree into a shrine for the show's dead characters.

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Snow gathers, and now our watch for presents begins.
(via reddit)

In case it was not clear from the title, there are spoilers in this tree for HBO's Game of Thrones. Specifically, death spoilers. Whether you're an avid watcher of Game of Thrones and reader of our Facebook recaps for every episode, or you've seen the famous photo of someone who had marked all the deaths in George R.R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire book series (upon which the show is based), or you just heard about it once, you know that people die in the show. A lot. Whether or not audiences loved them.


Once the ultimate spoiler, "Red Wedding" is now just a term for a blowout defeat. (via)

One redditor decided to pay tribute to the characters we've lost along the way by incorporating them into this year's Christmas tree. Each character's final moment brings a range of emotions. Sure, some of them were heartbreaking, but some of them bring you the kind of joy you haven't felt since you were a kid waking up at 6am to see what Santa brought.


Renly, Joffrey and Oberyn needed to learn the true lesson of Xmas and GoT: humility.(via)

Although some commenters argued that gold-crowned Viserys would have made a better tree topper, you can't argue that literally and metaphorically, Ned's head hangs over every other character death in the show.


One does not simply walk out of King's Landing.(via)

Some people found the entire display a bit macabre. But Christmas is kind of George R.R. Martin-y in a way, if you think about it: here we all are celebrating the birth of Baby Jesus, knowing full well that he will grow up to get nailed to planks by the same people he was sent to save. That is some straight-outta-Kings-Landing stuff right there.


Khal Drogo, our sun and our stars. Lysa Arryn, our moon door and falls. (via)

Even the animals we had to say goodbye to were represented, which is fitting since they were a lot better people than the humans on the show.


If you want characters to survive, my advice is to pretend you hate them. RIP Grey Wolf. (via)

Well, Game of Thrones fans, Merry christmas! And may you all have a bloody Season Five!

(by Johnny McNulty)

Time Person of the Year


Some friends trolled a huge group of screaming Bieber fans, and it was awesome.

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Could it be?

It saddens me that it took three years for this video to come to our attention.

The video below appears to be from 2011. In it, a group of friends trick a large group of Justin Bieber's fans in Zurich into thinking he's appeared on a nearby roof.

The fans have clearly been waiting a while, because they reach fever pitch when they think they see Bieber. The fake Bieber is just some dude looking smug in a white hat (kind of a perfect description of Bieber, actually).

At first, the friend dressed as Bieber seems kind of reluctant. His female pals, who appear to be in uniform as waitresses, egg him on. He gives a brief wave and the fans go wild. He looks like he's ready to be done with it, but then he goes back for more—this time raising both arms like he's soaking it all in.

It just goes to show you how quickly screaming girls go to your head.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Inside-out teddy bears are kind of terrifying.

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"We are coming for you while you sleep."

Did you know that lurking inside every adorable teddy bear is a monster waiting to get out? In their more-commonly seen state, they are soft and furry avatars of a child's dreams, but just a few snips and a few pulls will reveal something far more disturbing. All rough fabric and maladroit stitching, their true sinister personalities are revealed in this photographic series, simply titled "Bears," by Brooklyn-based artist Kent Rogowski.

Some of his more nefarious everted bears are collected below, along with a brief description of how each one is planning to kill you:


Nice to meet you. I'm Theodore Kelly.
I want your succulent flesh inside of my belly.


Hello, there. My name's Simone.
I'll wear your head like it is my own.


They call me Reginald T. Bear.
I'll turn on the oven gas, when you're not aware.


My name is Mr. Mull.
I'll put a hatchet inside your skull.


I'm Roy.
I'm just gonna shoot you.

Lots and lots more nightmare bears can be found on Kent Rogowski's website.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

When this new dad is left alone with the baby, the baby gets an adorable goatee.

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The Most Interesting Baby in the World.

Bald guys often grow facial hair because it's a great way to spice up their look while drawing attention away from their shiny heads. Turns out, a mustache or goatee can work wonders for ababy's look as well. That's certainly the case with the cute little cue ball in this video. With nothing more than black construction paper, some tape, and a new dad who may be slowly losing his mind as a result of sleep deprivation, the little girl goes from incredibly cute, but common, to adorably debonaire in a matter of minutes.

Movember has proven to be such a success, why not keep the party going with a new, annual fake baby facial hair extravaganza... Faux-cember!

(by Jonathan Corbett)

This professional athlete thinks Nelson Mandela was a hockey player.

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Wait, sorry, did you mean Nelson Mandela the celebrity chef?

Jonathan Bernier is the goalie for the Toronto Maple Leafs. You may not know who he is, and that's okay. But you almost definitely know who Nelson Mandela is. If you didn't, that would not be okay.

Bernier, unfortunately, does not know who Nelson Mandela is. But at a Toronto Raptors-sponsored fundraiser marking the anniversary of Mandela's death, he—like the other athletes present—was asked about what Mandela's contributions meant to him.

He proceeded to spew such a long stream of nonsense about Mandela the ice hockey player that he should clearly quit his day job and teach a class in bullshitting. I'm impressed the reporter filming him even had the gall to let him go on this long, trapping himself in a prison of his own making (that's a little insider Mandela reference, for those of our readers who know who Nelson Mandela is).

Here's a transcript (via Deadspin):

It's true. If there's one thing you can say about Mandela, it's that he really did make a big difference off the ice. Not so much on the ice.

Still, tremendous guy.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

YouTube has released their official celebrity-studded mashup of all the biggest videos of the year.

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I have picked Jenna Marbles for this picture...because I can actually recognize her.

Back in the day, YouTube just hosted stuff, and it was up to the people who actually made videos to create end-of-the-year retrospectives of the most popular videos on the web. No more! YouTube is a big, commercial entertainment network now, and nothing hammers that point home harder than YouTube Rewind, which features dozens of YouTube celebrities (and Jimmy Kimmel, whose presence means you should trust nothing you see in this video) getting paid to recreate the stuff that amateurs and megastars like Nicki Minaj created over the year. You should make sure to check out the credits at the end to see who everyone in the video was (I've also posted the cast list at the bottom of the article), but in the meantime, enjoy this extremely high-production-value trip through short-term memory lane as you re-live all the joyously wasted minutes of 2014.

If you're feeling a little confused, don't worry. YouTube Rewind has a playlist of all the top videos, so you can go back and figure out exactly what you missed in 2014. They also put out this Behind The Scenes video, so you can see all your favorite vloggers just hanging out and being friends and generally making you feel left out of the Internet.

If all this hasn't satisfied your nostalgia cravings, check out the Rewind videos for 2013.

And now, without further ado, the long list of famous YouTube stars who were in this video and make you feel out of touch (in alphabetical order):

Action Movie Kid https://youtube.com/theActionMovieKid
Aichi Ono https://youtube.com/SpinboyAichi0307
Amanda Steele https://youtube.com/MakeupbyMandy24
AmazingPhil https://youtube.com/AmazingPhil
Andy Raconte https://youtube.com/AndyRaconte
Anil B https://youtube.com/WaRTeKGaminG
Ape Crime https://youtube.com/ApeCrimeReloaded
Apollos Hester http://youtu.be/X7ymriMhoj0
Barely Political https://youtube.com/barelypolitical
Bart Baker https://youtube.com/BartBaKer
Bethany Mota https://youtube.com/Macbarbie07
Big Bird https://youtube.com/SesameStreet
Bilingirl https://youtube.com/cyoshida1231
Brett Nichols https://youtube.com/BrettNicholsOfficial
Brittani Louise Taylor: https://www.youtube.com/BrittaniLouis...
Carrie Fletcher https://youtube.com/ItsWayPastMyBedTime
Chris Hardwick https://youtube.com/Nerdist/
Colin Furze https://youtube.com/colinfurze
Conan O'Brien https://youtube.com/teamcoco
Conchita Wurst https://youtube.com/ConchitaWurst
Connor Franta https://youtube.com/ConnorFranta
Corridor Digital https://youtube.com/CorridorDigital
Cyprien https://youtube.com/MonsieurDream
daaruum https://youtube.com/daaruum
danisnotonfire https://youtube.com/danisnotonfire
Devil Baby https://youtube.com/devilsduenyc
Dodie Clark https://youtube.com/doddleoddle
Ella Caney-Willis https://youtube.com/EllaSaysHiya
Enjoy Phoenix https://youtube.com/EnjoyPhoenix
Epic Rap Battles https://youtube.com/ERB
Evan Edinger https://youtube.com/naveregnide
fouseyTUBE https://youtube.com/fouseyTUBE
Freddie W https://youtube.com/freddiew
Gabriel Valenciano https://youtube.com/iamgabvalenciano
Gal Volinez http://goo.gl/zPKRNo
Grace Helbig https://youtube.com/graciehinabox
Hajime https://youtube.com/0214mex
Hannah Hart https://youtube.com/MyHarto
Heart https://youtube.com/ThatsHeart
Hello Denizen https://youtube.com/HelloDenizen
Hikakin https://youtube.com/HIKAKIN
HolaSoyGerman https://youtube.com/HolaSoyGerman
How It Should Have Ended https://youtube.com/HISHEdotcom
IISuperwomanII https://youtube.com/IISuperwomanII
iJustine https://youtube.com/ijustine
Ingrid Nilsen https://youtube.com/missglamorazzi
iTakahashi https://youtube.comiTakahashikun
Jenna Marbles https://youtube.com/JennaMarbles
Jimmy Kimmel https://youtube.com/JimmyKimmelLive
John Oliver https://youtube.com/LastWeekTonight
Kacy Catanzaro http://youtu.be/XfZFuw7a13E
Kid President http://goo.gl/D9e40D
Kingsley https://youtube.com/ItsKingsleyBitch
Kosuke https://youtube.com/user/pazudoraya
Kurt Hugo Schneider https://youtube.com/KurtHugoSchneider
Le Floid https://youtube.com/LeFloid
Luke Cutforth https://youtube.com/LukeIsNotSexy
Mamiruton https://youtube.com/TheMaxMurai
Manako (Q'ulle) http://goo.gl/EtLTpW
MasuoTV https://youtube.com/MasuoTV
Matt Bittner http://youtu.be/8UoJ-34Ssa0
Max Murai https://youtube.com/TheMaxMurai
Michelle Phan https://youtube.com/MichellePhan
Mika Shindate https://youtube.com/shindatemika
Niki Albon https://youtube.com/NikiNSammy
PDS https://youtube.com/PDSKabushikiGaisha
Pentatonix https://youtube.com/PTXofficial
PewDiePie https://youtube.com/PewDiePie
PrankvsPrank https://youtube.com/PrankvsPrank
Raphael Gomes https://youtube.com/ItsRaphaBlueBerry
Rhett & Link https://youtube.com/RhettandLink
Rosanna Pansino https://youtube.com/RosannaPansino
Sadie Miller https://youtube.com/amillerfull
Sam Tsui https://youtube.com/TheSamTsui
Sami Slimani https://youtube.com/HerrTutorial
Sammy Albon https://youtube.com/NikiNSammy
Sasaki Asahi https://youtube.com/sasakiasahi
Seikin https://youtube.com/SeikinTV
Sione Vaka Kelepi https://youtube.com/sionemaraschino
Sir Fedora https://www.youtube.com/SirFedora
SkyDoesMinecraft https://youtube.com/SkyDoesMinecraft
Smosh https://youtube.com/smosh
Stephen Colbert https://youtube.com/comedycentral
Steve Kardynal https://youtube.com/SteveKardynal
Stuart Edge https://youtube.com/stuartedge
The Fine Bros https://youtube.com/TheFineBros
The Gregory Brothers https://youtube.com/schmoyoho
The Slow Mo Guys https://youtube.com/theslowmoguys
Troye Sivan https://youtube.com/TroyeSivan18
Tyler Oakley https://youtube.com/tyleroakley
VlogBrothers https://youtube.com/vlogbrothers
Vsauce2 https://youtube.com/Vsauce2
Vsauce3 https://youtube.com/Vsauce3
WORLD ORDER https://youtube.com/crnaviofficial

Duh, grandpa. Of course it was all of those people.

(by Johnny McNulty)

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