Know when to fold.
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'Tinder Nightmares' collects the best of the very worst of online hookup attempts.
"I just asked to see your boobs!" (via ThinkStock)
If your love life is in such a sorry state that you're willing to lower your dating standards to include pyscho bros, misguided losers, frustrated comedians, and prostitutes, then you might want to consider giving Tinder a shot. But before you do, you should check out Tinder Nightmares, a new Instagram feed that will give you a really good idea of what to expect when you wade into the murky waters of online hookups.
There are still normal people on Tinder, putting up with the crude come-ons and insults on the off chance that they may make a connection, but they're clearly in the minority.
If nothing else, now those people have a place to send their worst Tinder experiences for the rest of us to experience the vicarious thrill of interacting with these looney lotharios:
(via Tinder Nightmares)
(via Tinder Nightmares)
(via Tinder Nightmares)
(via Tinder Nightmares)
(via Tinder Nightmares)
(via Tinder Nightmares)
(via Tinder Nightmares)
(via Tinder Nightmares)
Whether you're into the sexually weird, the socially immature, or potentially dangerous psychos, Tinder might be for you. But you're probably better off just enjoying the fun from the safety of sites like Tinder Nightmares.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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This leaked footage from the first day of the NYPD's body cam program may shock you.
WHOAH! When talking to a police officer, you should ALWAYS say "please"!
In the wake of the Eric Garner decision (and also because they were going to do it anyway), Mayor Bill de Blasio and the NYPD have announced the rollout of a program for officers to begin wearing body cameras while on patrol. While this will eventually lead to the release of a lot of interesting video, and probably some hilarious moments in between the hours of people just doing their jobs (and also the really sad and awful moments), Funny or Die couldn't wait that long and "obtained" this exclusive footage from the first day of the cameras' debut. If I learned one thing about being a cop from this video, it's that copping isn't about doing everything perfectly; it's about making friends and getting home in one piece, even if you forgot a thing or two along the way, like who you handcuffed and what you did with them.
I would also like to note that the Dunkin' Donuts featured in this video is my Dunkin' Donuts. It's actually only the second-closest Dunkin' Donuts to my apartment (NYC is #1!), but the other one is kinda gross. Now I really want a donut.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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A very chill dude got stuck in a broken elevator with a total lunatic and filmed the whole thing.
"I don't think there's any chance of staying calm."
This is the true story of two complete strangers getting trapped together in a broken elevator. One is Nick Nerve, a calm dude just trying to relax while waiting for help. The other, a complete lunatic. Watch what happens when this odd couple is forced to share a confined space, limited air supply, no cell phone service, no rescue timeline, and one of them is completely f@&king crazy.
This is exactly like The Breakfast Club, but instead of a high school library, it is a broken elevator. Instead of five high school students, it's two dudes trapped in a broken elevator, one of whom insists on screaming for the door to be opened, pressing the buzzer for minutes straight, randomly mixing verses of Metallica's Enter Sandman with other songs that in no way corresponds to what is coming out of his headphones, and openly farting.
Good thing Nick has a good sense of humor about it. In his first video, he describes his time in there as "potentially the funniest thing i have ever experiences." [sic]
The first video started after they had already been in the elevator for 15 minutes (although crazy guy insists it has only been 7):
At minute 35, and Nick reports his psychotic elevator-mate has scared the security guard away, but at least they've wedged open the door for air. Nick refuses crazy guy's offer of cooked cabbage:
50 minutes: Nick is having an asthma attack and doesn't have his inhaler. Crazy guy threatens death on the woman on the other end of the security line who won't call the fire department:
We never see them rescued, although we know they end up OK because Nick has managed to post these to YouTube, and promises to upload videos 4 and 5 soon. We will update this post as they come.
Stay tuned!
(by Myka Fox)
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This baby boy's mind is blown when he meets twin baby girls.
"What kind of wizardry is this?"
At an age when your mind can be blown by a game of "got your nose," the world is a magical, confusing place. So it's no wonder this baby boy seems to have trouble wrapping his soft head around the idea that he's somehow being bookended by the exact same human. Usually when a baby is confused, he can look to the adults in the room for some guidance on how to deal with a new situation. But with every grown-up in this room busy laughing and filming the baffled tyke, it's up to him to try and make sense of the situation.
Despite being slightly freaked out by his surroundings, he does a really good job of keeping it together. A skill that will serve him well in the years to come.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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The brand-new trailer for 'Mad Max: Fury Road' is insane in the best possible way.
"Oh, you think creepy head gear is your ally.
But you merely adopted the creepy head gear."
Warner Bros. just posted the first full theatrical trailer for Mad Max: Fury Road, George Miller's reboot of his own cult post-apocalyptic action series, in which Tom Hardy—as the titular protagonist—gets seriously out-Baned by some terrifying desert hooligans, and then somehow ends up battling them inside something that looks like an exploding tornado.
I can't quite put my finger on the tone they're going for in this. Is it more intensely crazy or crazily intense? Hard to say. Guess I'll just have to watch it forty more times to figure it out:
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Charged up.
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Can you guess which of these Christmas movies are real and which are fake?
'Tis the season for watching the best/worst movies ever made. There are a few movies you've never heard of. But there are also a few you've definitely seen but just forgot you saw them, much like forgetting a nightmare immediately after waking up. Can you spot which of these movies are real and which are fake? (Answers revealed at bottom.)
1. Switchmas
2. Santa Baby
3. Jingle Bell Rocks
4. Sleep Inn: Heavenly Peace
5. The Mistle-tones
6. 12 Dates of Christmas
7. I Saw Tommy Kissing Santa Claus
8. Santa Claus is Coming to Clown
9. Wreather Madness
10. Shalom for the Holidays
11. Will You Merry Me?
12. Yes or Snow?
Answers:
Real: 1, 5, 6, 11
Fake: 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12
(written by MJ Wesner, Michelle Cuevas, and Dan Wilbur. Designed by Cole Mitchell)
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Fuzzy memories.
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Two dudes walking on a pristine frozen lake look like they're walking on water.
I want to believe.
Turns out we haven't destroyed every corner of the planet yet.
Tomas Nunuk and a friend were walking through the High Tatras Mountains in Slovakia, when they stumbled upon a frozen lake so pristine the ice was basically invisible. Rocks beneath their feet glint in the sunlight and make them look like they're walking on water.
Don't worry. I'm sure we'll start fracking under there any day now.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
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Christopher Lee just put out a heavy metal Christmas album at age 92.
"I know what a man being murdered by a reindeer sounds like."
Christopher Lee is best known for playing Sarumon in the Lord of the Rings trilogy (he's a huge nerd who reads the series over again every year), and for playing Count Dooku in Star Wars: Episode II and Episode III (and also the Clone Wars series). Before that, he was known for his many roles in scary movies, particularly Dracula in many Hammer Horror films. Even further back, he was a spy in WWII for the British (long before he played the villain Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun). His missions were classified, but he did once correct director Peter Jackson on what a man really sounds like when he is stabbed in the back. What I'm trying to say is that this dude is a badass. He's also 92.
Somehow, in between all that, he's had time to produce heavy metal Christmas songs for each of the past 3 years. This clip is a compilation of those songs, and this year's track, "Darkest Carols, Faithful Sing," starts at about 1:50, but I encourage you to listen to the whole thing.
If you enjoy these, you might want to check out the Dark-Ages-themed heavy metal album Lee put out in his 80s (his 80s, not the '80s), Charlemagne: By The Sword And The Cross, or the follow-up album he released last year, Charlemagne: The Omens of Death(arranged by a member of Judas Priest).
Christopher Lee: a man who has been cooler in each of his 92 years than you've been in your whole life.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Little baby goat that was rejected by its mother becomes man's best friend.
I got your goat.
Little Benjamin is a 5-week-old pygmy goat. He was born a twin, and his mother, only able to care for one, chose to reject him and nurture his brother instead.
Tom from Pot House Hamlet in Yorkshire stepped in and has been hand-rearing Benjamin night and day. Now Benjy follows Tom everywhere like a little puppy.
(by Myka Fox)
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An entire neighborhood synchronized their Christmas lights for a display that rocks.
A 10,000 watt wonderland.
When you live in Southern California, the chances of you having a white Christmas are slim to none. Getting into the holiday spirit can be tough when you're wearing sunblock. SoCal residents have to be creative when it comes to getting festive for the holidays. One neighborhood in Yucaipa took that to an extreme level this year by synchronizing the Christmas lights on 16 homes to create a spectacular show that would impress Walt Griswold. The project was put together by Jeff Maxey, who captured the display with a drone and uploaded it to Youtube.
The first one is set to "Wizards of Winter" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
For those who prefer their Christmas songs less metal but still a little nutty, the lights have also been programmed to sync up with Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You."
The display will be up throughout December between the hours of 5 and 9 pm.
Even though the show is more impressive from above, you'll probably encounter less traffic on the roads, because the skies of Yucaipa are going to be swarming with drones until January.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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A guy who sent a super-creepy text to a girl got the luckiest response he could have asked for.
10:46 PM is far too early to be drunk enough to approve this text, dude.
This isn't the most insane text message that's ever been sent, but this mystery dude just avoided sending this blatantly flirty (despite all protests to the contrary), clearly out-of-the-blue, and fairly inappropriate text block to a woman he actually knows by miraculously sending it to the wrong number. This has allowed him to live in infamy on reddit's r/cringepics forum, but hopefully it gave him time to really think about what he was doing (maybe he can consult one of our texting guides). Let's be honest, though: he probably just found the correct number afterwards and sent this again anyway.
It starts off okay enough, with a simple desire to re-live that hilarious time this woman he knows accidentally expelled gas from multiple orifices simultaneously. Then, there's the pivot. The pivot to "remember that time you overheard me have sex and I interpreted it as interest?" Or, at least, that's what it sounds like, because text is the creepiest form of communication. You know how when you write a text with a period at the end, it sounds really angry? Sexual stuff is like that, except it always sounds creepy (regardless of punctuation, except with winky faces, which can only make it worse) unless you talk sexy to that person in normal life. But let's continue.
Ooooooohhhhhhhh. I see now. It wasn't creepy. You see, it was just "an honest and silly text." Points for calling her "funny" instead of something else, but not enough to compensate for how vastly creepy it sounds when you include a long disclaimer about how your text is not creepy. Fortunately for him, these texts were not going to either the intended recipient or her friend Tanya. They were going to redditor stereostarlight, who finally let this verbose soul know that he was reminiscing with a total stranger (and then posted it to the Internet like a good citizen).
Given that the area codes (as far as I can tell) are from Massachusetts, at least we have an explanation for his use of the word "wicked." Again, I really hope that this gave this guy enough pause that he realized he was better off never sending this exchange to anyone who actually knows him. It is the season for miracles, after all.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Leaked: Documents from Sony Playstation Hack Reveal Embarrassing Details about the Stars of Your Favorite Games.
Ever since hackers breached Sony this week, the leaks have gotten more and more embarrassing for all involved. On Monday, Sony's Playstation Network was hacked and the lurid, odd details about your favorite video game stars were made public. Here are the highlights. Proceed with caution:
Lara Croft: public speaking fee is $100,000 plus a live bear that she is permitted to fight in the green room.
PaRappa the Rapper: contract rider requires food-people be available for consumption backstage.
BioShock's Big Daddy: countless creepy emails were uncovered in which Big Daddy repeatedly asks his agent to set up a "drill session" with Bayonetta.
Sackboy from Little Big Planet: said new upcoming Mario Maker game a "direct rip" of his game and he plans on suing Nintendo!
Crash Bandicoot: Goes by "Trash Vandersloot" when staying at a hotel.
God of War: In an epic email rant, Kratos, the god of War, called everyone from Tekken, a " bunch of weak douchebags."
Spyro the Dragon: In 2012, sent a horribly racist text message about dragons with any skin color other than purple to an unamused Toothless (star of How to Train Your Dragon)
Fat Princess: Undoctored prints from a promo shoot reveal she is often Photoshopped to look fatter than she is in real life.
Sweet Tooth from Twisted Metal: has been driving for years with an expired license.
(by Dan Wilbur)
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Woman punches twin sister in the face while fighting over a boyfriend and a sex toy.
Talk about a two-way twister. (Via Facebook)
Heidi Creamer (not a porn name) from Florida (I swear she's not in porn) got into a physical altercation with her twin sister Holly over her boyfriend and a sex toy (OK, she might be in porn, but I don't have any evidence of it).
This is no Haley Mills Parent Trap twin action, this is more of a twin scenario of the Linsday Lohan variety.
The 48-year-old sisters live together with Heidi's boyfriend in an apartment, and while the boyfriend was out, the womb-mates got into a verbal altercation that turned physical. According to the police report, Holly and Heidi were yelling in the doorway, when Heidi punched her genetic identical with a closed fist. Holly landed on her back, and began kicking Heidi away. Heidi then "punched, scratched, and pulled Holly's hair in the struggle." Sorry, there weren't any cameras running.
Heidi then began to grab her belongings and announced she was going to leave, and Holly slammed and locked the door behind her. Heidi went up to the third floor balcony and started screaming at neighbors to call the police.
Both of these photos are of Heidi, but really, what's the difference? (Via Facebook)
Someone must have put down the popcorn long enough to make that call, because police arrived shortly after, where they found Heidi "screaming obscenities" at her sister and pounding on the door. The cop cuffed Heidi and locked her in his squad car for his own safety. When he tried to read her her Miranda rights, she "began screaming that she was fighting with her sister Holly over a vibrator and her boyfriend."
The report does not say exactly why Heidi and Holly were fighting over the man or the man-replacement, so we can only hope Holly pulled the ole switch-a-roo on Heidi's boyfriend and duped him into having sex with her, which has got to be the only advantage to having to share your DNA.
Heidi was charged with battery and assault and booked into county jail.
Author's note: I could not stop playing the theme song to Sister Sister over and and over in my head while writing this.
(by Myka Fox)
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Mistletoe
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The Internet - December 10, 2014: A Review
Whoever came up with the December 10, 2014 edition of the Internet had better have been fired for utter lack of originality. The biggest story on every website was about terror practices that date back to the frigging Bush administration. Stop it with the reboots!
The only breakout star from this entry of the Internet was "Screamy Elevator Dude."
Hope to see more of him in future Internets coming down the pipeline.
(by Bob Powers)
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'Songify the News' returns after a 10-month hiatus to explain why the GOP wants to "Bang the President."
Bill doesn't agree with this gorilla, but he respects him. NOW CUT HIM OFF!
Songify the News (formerly Auto-Tune the News) has been a popular video series from YouTuber schmoyoho since April 2009, and in the 2010 and 2012 elections, it was one of the most important intersections between politics and the Internet. Inexplicably, however, the last video in the series before this one released today came out 10 months ago, sitting out the peak season for the 2014 midterm elections. They're back now, however, with a look back at the almost-negligible amount Congress accomplished this year (mostly having to do with bourbon), the conflict against ISIS, as well as the GOP's latent sexual desires for the President. I may have missed that last story.
Fortunately, permanent election season is as much a part of American democracy now as permanent war, so they don't need to worry too much on missing a political window.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Hot topic.
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