Rather than banning porn, I wish Britain would ban updates on the royal family.
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Thanks for not being completely honest about me in your engagement speech.
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Congratulations on getting engaged for a reason other than an unwanted pregnancy.
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The most humiliating way to tell a neighbor they're having sex way too loud.
Or better yet, get a new bedframe! We know some great sales on bedframes! You're welcome!
Based on the spelling of "neighbour," we're guessing this was sent by a helpful neighbor in the UK. And since we personally know of only one couple who definitely had sex in the UK in the past year, we're forced to assume that this note was left by neighbors of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Someone has to live below them in their Kensington Palace flat, right? It may seem surprising that the royal couple wouldn't invest in a nicer bed, but actually they sleep on a bed that belonged to William of Orange and has been handed down for centuries. Sure, it squeaks, but it's an heirloom. As for ol' Will not lasting very long, well. Have you seen his wife? Va-va-voom!
Happy New Year!
Here's the note this neighbor should send Prince William now >>
(via Redditor tommodacoolio)
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Congratulations on realizing you're ready to settle for someone.
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I can't believe how much the royal baby looks like every other baby I don't know or care about.
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An extremely sleepy airplane passenger passed out in her seatmate's crotch. The seatmate handled it as well as he could.
She looks like such an angel when she drools on a stranger's pants.
According to the description on the video posted by Steve Cullum (the conscious passenger), he "tried lifting her up, shaking her, and startling her," but no dice. Eventually, the drowsy traveler switched seats and fell asleep on some other guy.
We would kill to be able to sleep like this on a plane. To get to her state of somnolent bliss we'd need at least two ambien and several airplane bottles of Woodford Reserve. And there's always the risk that that'll backfire and just make us want to hit the aisle and party.
Anyway, she should buy a neck pillow. Props you right up. Keeps your face off of strangers' genitals. Neck pillows. Everyone needs one.
Wish someone a slightly less awkward vacation >>
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Happy birthday to someone who thinks they're still not too old to have roommates.
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Feel free to sext me once you have the finely toned pecs of a nerdy New York congressman.
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I love you enough to stop sexting other women after I'm caught the first time.
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Anthony Weiner has a sex scandal more often than I have sex.
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I love you enough to never make you publicly explain my shockingly perverted online behavior.
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Congratulations on your biological clock overriding your common sense and budget.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 24, 2013
How's Apple doing? What's going on with the mail? Who's letting you carry a gun now? The answer to all that and more in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.
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You make me as horny as a disgraced politician alone with a smartphone.
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Congratulations to Yahoo on establishing itself as the place to set up fake email accounts for sending dick pics.
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May your workday be as forgiving as Anthony Weiner's wife.
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I'm impressed Anthony Weiner had the fortitude to get through an entire press conference without firing off a crotch shot.
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Sorry Carlos Danger is better at dirty talk than your boyfriend.
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Seeing Anthony Weiner's dangling genitals reminded me that we haven't hung out in a while.
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More Pages to Explore .....
