"Tricksy customersesss..."

The year 2001 saw two extremely important additions to popular culture. On July 9, Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's faux-documentary series The Office premiered to British television audiences on BBC 2. It wasn't long before copies of the brilliantly cringe-inducing sitcom found its way into the hands of comedy nerds worldwide. A few months later in December, New Line Cinema released the first installment of Peter Jackson's epic adaptation of J.R.R. Tolkein'sLord of the Rings trilogy, thus realizing the dreams of generations of fantasy geeks while bringing the mythic tale of magic and heroism to mainstream audiences.

Aside from their year of release and the long shadows that each cast over their respective media in years to come, you wouldn't think that the two had anything in common with each other. But, they do: Martin Freeman. The British character actor portrayed Tim Canterbury in that original U.K. version of The Office (a part that was later adapted for U.S audiences into the part John Krasinski played), as well Bilbo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings prequel films, based on Tolkien's The Hobbit.

So, when Freeman hosted Saturday Night Live this past weekend, they made the most of the situation and created a short film that is simultaneously the best Office and LOTR parody ever:

My only problem with this is that it doesn't have any crossover appeal for indie film dorks, who know Freeman from Sundance's Fargo, or mystery dweebs who know him as Dr. John Watson on BBC's Sherlock.

Two can play at this game, Kim.(via)

Kim Kardashian has proven once again that she is the Michael Jordan of creating controversy through calculatedly idiotic, egotistical behavior. The latest online firestorm is the result of an Instagram shot Kim posted Sunday night of herself and her daughter North West. Kind of. Only a portion of the baby can be seen because most of her face was cropped out in order to showcase Kim's face and a cinderblock wall.

Get used to it, North.(via)

The photo incensed many of her followers. Almost as many as would have lost their minds if Kim had chosen to exploit her daughter by posting a picture of her. The shot immediately achieved its desired effect, as a debate erupted between fans, haters, and fans who love to hate her.

There were ten comments calling her "egotistical scum" and the "worst mom ever" for every defender saying she was acting as a responsible parent. Obviously, those numbers would be reversed if North West's face was visible, with the majority of commenters saying that Kim was a "fame whore" and the "worst mom ever" (the one point everyone seems to agree on).

The picture has already been seen by millions and has over 570k "likes" on Instagram. The debate over her intention rages on, but the clear winner, once again, is Kim Kardashian.

He fights for truth, justice, and a little excitement on the big day. (via)

No matter how many weddings you go to, there's always a little bit of tension right when the knot is being tied. Someone in the audience might object, or one of the two people standing in front of the priest/judge/person-who-filled-out-some-forms-online might get cold feet and say "no." Also, the best man might completely screw it all up by forgetting the rings.

Well, at some point yesterday, it looked like the "forgetful best man" scenario was about to go down at one wedding, according to a redditor who said he attended the event. "The Best Man is asked for the rings, the groom holds his hand out and the Best Man plays the "I don't have them" card," wrote the wedding guest. "Everyone checks pockets...and no one has the rings. Then...this guy rolls in."

A video posted by DQ4EQUIS (@dq4equis) on Dec 12, 2014 at 5:14pm PST

Needless to say, everyone's minds were blown. Apparently, the happy couple were not included in this surprise plan at all. Everyone was so shocked, no one even commented on the fact that his roller-skates seem to have wrinkled the linoleum in the church aisle.

A photo posted by DQ4EQUIS (@dq4equis) on Dec 12, 2014 at 10:07pm PST

This guy, of course (OF COURSE!), is Instagram celebrity dq4equis, aka Superman Drawls. The Florida-based (of course) Internet star is most famous for, you guessed it, his bizarre photos and videos featuring himself wearing roller skates, a pair of Superman briefs, and an intimidatingly calm gaze. Check it out:

A lot of people object to this recent trend of people trying to make weddings viral, but I don't really mind because A.) I'm a blogger and this is my life-blood, B.) it's not your wedding, so why are you complaining? And finally, C.) weddings are boring and usually by the time someone there shows his Superman undies, it's either because someone is way too drunk or because they're a screaming 6-year-old. Either way, I think this is a big step up.

"What did your butt just say?!"

In just the last few days, we've learned a lot about the dislikes of dogs. In addition to toy snakes, pineapples and getting caught eating Christmas balls, we can now safely assume that canines have an extreme distaste for the sound of flatulence:

I totally get where Bullit the pit bull is coming from, here. Farts are more than a little freaky. They sound like our anuses are trying to tell us something very important, but in an ancient digestive language to which none of us are privy. If only we could decipher it, who knows how much gastic distress might be averted?

This is the tortoise equivalent of holding your friend's hair back, if having hair in your face while barfing could kill you.

These tortoises are technically cold-blooded, but their undying friendship warmed my usually icy heart. Two tortoises, shell-mates incarcerated at the Taipei Zoo in Muzha, Taiwan, aren't just prisoners of the petting zoo, they're friends. One of the zookeepers probably would have noticed the tortoise in trouble, but in the wild this would have spelled death for the fallen reptile, and it's always nice to know when your world is turned upside down, you have a friend that literally has your back.

I love you, turtles.

I'm not crying.

I'm crying a little.

This should give you the jizzst.

South Dakota's ad campaign, "Don't Jerk and Drive," intended to dissuade drivers on icy roads from overcorrecting, or jerking the wheel while they spin out, has been pulled.

Highway Safety Director Lee Axdahl told the Argus Leader that the double meaning was intentional and meant to grab the attention of drivers.

It worked. It also grabbed the attention of anyone who didn't want to think about "grabbing."

"This is an important safety message and I don't want this innuendo to distract from our goal to save lives on the road," said Trevor Jones, the secretary of the Department of Public Safety, and also Axdahl's boss.

Oh man. Busted.

And that was the end of the campaign, as abruptly as if its mom walked in on it naked and holding a sock.

The roads aren't the only things that get slippery.

It's a sin, really, because this was essentially a very successful effort in the sense that it really got the word out. Plus, the hashtag #DontJerkAndDrive was only part of the campaign and specifically targeted on social media to young men. As strategist Micah Aberson told the Argus Leader, "they're the drivers most likely to overcorrect and cause fatal traffic accidents."

And, let's be serious for a moment, they're probably also the most likely to fire off some knuckle children while behind the wheel. Especially some, who use jerking while driving as a means to keep themselves alert on those long lonely drives down two-way highways.

Isn't this also an issue that needs to be addressed? Why can't they just keep the slogan, and target it toward the masturbators properly?

In case South Dakota ever wants to get serious about this issue, I've gone ahead and come up with some new, un-taint-ed slogans:

#DontTransportAndHandSport

#DontPetTheKittyWhileTouringTheCity

#DontBeatTrafficWhileBeatingTheBishop

#PumpTheGasNotYourGash

#DontHoseDownTheDriveway

#DontPunchTheClownAsYouHeadDowntown

#DontBateAndBrake

#DontWaxTheToadWhileOnTheRoad

#DontHaveItMyWayWhileOnTheHighway

#DontPaintTheCeilingWhenYouGoFourWheeling

#DontFuckYourselfWhileDriving

That's just a couple rattled off the old noggin. If you believe in this campaign as much as I do, I look forward to your suggestions in the comments section.

If a tree falls in a house and no one is around to scream at the cat, is it really Christmas?

We've already seen a massive amount of photo evidence that cats won't stay out of Christmas trees (what with all those delightful streamers and lights to destroy and shred, we can't blame them). At first, we thought it was because they just loved them too much, but this supercut from Tastefully Offensive reveals the darker truth behind the intimate relationship between cats and our holiday evergreens: they are locked in an eternal war, a battle that will only end when one of them is tossed out of the house by the humans to be picked up by the garbage man.

So far, the cats have won every year.

Your sex fantasy from now on. You're welcome.

On a normal, boring day, Conan O'Brien is an exceptionally strange guy. So, when the mood strikes him, and he decides to turn the weirdness dial all the way up to ten, his eponymous late night talk show on TBS can get almost disturbingly bizarre.

But even the freakiest freaky bits from his show seem positively stodgy next to this remix of the previous season of his show. There's no way to describe it that can possibly do it justice, so just watch:

It's funny because it hurts.

Most rescue animals are loving and wonderful. But every once in a while, someone winds up with a Finnegan. He's the cat adopted by Loren Santoro from a shelter after they rescued him from a drug house, which may explain why Fin has the temperament of a crack addict.

Fin is incredibly fortunate to have been welcomed into Loren's life, because most cats who paid back the person who rescued them with biting, scratching, and sneak attacks would probably find themselves back on the streets pretty quickly.

Loren says she encouraged Fin's behavior in the video for dramatic purposes, and that his nightly freak-outs usually last from 7-8 PM. After that, the two of them settle in for some makeup cuddling.

Finnegan must be some cuddler.

By the looks of Alex, it might never be alcoholism for him.(via)

Whether you're in your post-college years or your mid-forties and sleeping in your old room at your parents' house, the roommate situation is a hotbed of hostility and spoiled food-borne illness. Eventually, the unwashed dishes and random pubic hair discoveries become too much to bear, and accusations and apologies are exchanged in pointed, often wonderfully clever notes. Here are some of our favorites that reveal way too much about the gross ways in which non-sex-having humans tend to co-habitate.

Sounds like a fair, creepy deal.(via)

The title begins with "Roommate took Adderall..."(via)

When grieving over Buffy's loss gets awkward.(via)

Card? He deserves a trophy.(via)

To clarify, Jesse's mom makes pies, does not want him dead.(via)

Updated 10.20.14

This may as well say "look in the garage!"(via)

Not all Dads are comfortable saying "I love you."(via)

.

"Mom/Dad [illegible]" - Your Drunk Daughter(via)

Thanks for the heads up, Richard.(via)

Letter from a Birmingham kitchen.(via)

She forgot the part about cake.(via)

.

Updated 10.20.14

Noted, Grumpy Roommate.(via)

When Dad finds Mom's to-do list.(via)

.

I would leave it on just for the thrill of it.(via)

.

That's like a regular stopper, only angrier.(via)

.

This is going to be one paranoid flu season.(via)

.

Looks like one steak will do.(via)

Passive, aggressive, and beautiful.(via)

.

Definitely beats a sticky note.(via)

.

To err is human, to forgive is bacon.(via)

.

Looks like we need bananas... and paper.(via)

.

Shitty poetry.(via)

.

On the other hand, brownies!(via)

Updated 8.27.14

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pops.(via)

.

And look for an apartment like you live with a psycho.(via)

.

Typical delicious/aggressive behavior.(via)

.

A few more letters and it would've been done, dick. (via)

.

Fucking love you too, Dad.(via)

.

Thanks for the "$5.00," Colleen!(via)

Updated 8.27.14

A stoner roommate could read that the wrong way.(via)

.

Impressive, if he actually reached the milk.(via)

Why, when there's a perfectly usable sheet left?(via)

Too good to be mad about. Unless it's not head hair.(via)

Hope he likes cold pizza. (via)

That looks oddly delicious. Also, "honeys" count as roommates when they act like this.
(via)

.

The artist couldn't sign his work due to a broken hand. (via)

My instincts tell me that was no accident.(via)

Or, you could've just written "pay bills."(via)

A sign that you're probably too old to have roommates.(via)

"I could change the roll, or take out my phone and..."(via)

It's impossible to read that without hearing his voice.(via)

Updated 6.05.14

It's the thought that counts.(via)

Thanks for the pancakes, Mr. Pinkman.(via)

The man in the mirror is a huge dick.(via)

Yep, that says "puke."(via)

Even his notes stink. (via)

First line of the worst porno ever. (via)

Updated 5.05.14

Mistakes are life's tasty lessons. (via)

"Why yes, toilet paper roll, I -- dammit!" (via)

The old "How to Get Your New Roommate Naked with a Spider Note" trick.(via)

"Ew, ew, Captain."(via)

Good luck with that auto-erotic asphyxiation.(via)

TL;DR already packing my stuff.(via)

Updated 4/04/14

I guess the short answer is "maybe?" (via)

Great weed. Bad idea.(via)

You would, dick head.(via)

"Who's been slut-shaming my soda?"(via)

How many ways are there to use a plunger, Kevin? (via)

I've always wondered how to play craps.(via)

Updated 3/08/14

I bet this guy is high maintenance.(via)

If a sock means "sex," I don't want to know what this is for.(via)

I've had roommates that would see this and think "pan roasted dove!"(via)

This message is probably more for the guys.(via)

Smart Water for a smart ass.(via)

How a true butthole pays his rent. (via)

Updated 1/08/14

Given a choice, I'd rather eat pizza that the cats nibbled on. (via)

Things can't be that bad if you're still getting wi-fi. (via)

If these get eaten it's time for a new roommate. (via)

Not bad, but it may get confusing when you try to store poops. (via)

It that's where they keep the milk, tossing it might not be a bad idea. (via)

Not cool. But at least you get to eat the Pixie Sticks. (via)

Updated 12/11/13:

Ouch. You just got out passive-aggressioned.

Um...are there drugs in it?

In this case, honesty is the weirdest policy.

Pretty nice of them to capture it, actually.

They don't. Someecards probably does, though.

No smiley face, Cindy?

Updated 11/13/13:

Also, boyfriends are like dirty clothes; don't leave yours on the floor.

"I feel more comfortable complaining about the notes by note."

I'm impressed it responds to anything at all.

Great method for dealing with lazy ant roommates.

Then I have to get my shit together enough to actually clean it. Two-three weeks?

Pretty cheap for either.

Updated 10/15/13:

You don't need to have roommates for this to be a terrific idea.

The most considerate possible reaction to finding your roommate peed all over the floor.

Seems like a much, much grosser solution than just flushing.

The spider was in the midst of writing his own tiny note:
"Got stuck in god damn cereal today...fuck."

Because pooping just isn't exciting enough.

Chris may be going to the gay club, but he likes boobs, you understand?

Updated 9/17/13:

Not sure that post-script was necessary.

Hunter, live up to your name!

Better than: "Give a call or you might see a ball."

He died as he lived: with power tools.

But evidently not magnetic poetry.

Yeah right, like anyone's gonna steal a Lean Pocket over a French bread pizza.

Updated 8/16/13:

With the cost of avocados today, that's only about a quarter for your trouble.

Please clean up your insects after yourself.

Ooh, burned by a white board meme.

Also I prefer to be called Reginald, thanks.

Now that's just common disgusting courtesy.

It's worth it! It's stifling in here!

Updated 7/22/13:

We wouldn't want to be part of such a hairy roommate arrangement.

Why write 3 separate notes when all your issues can be encompassed in one?

Beware. The spiders have their own tally.

Monday night is trashnacht.

Clint starts fires!

As far as we're concerned, as long as his penis only touched the outside, it's still good.

Updated 6/20/13:

Wait. We have a cat?

And bread and to come to terms with our parents' divorce.

We'd honestly prefer this type of sign to be set up on all tp-less toilets.

4. Have craziest night ever!

It's the number for his Murderers Anonymous group.

No matter how bad they are, we still want one.

Updated 5/24/13:

Unfortunately, that stuff looks like what's been on CNN every day.

"FapNapping" needs no translation.

So, I'll just leave the knives there...and this note you can't read in the dark.

We'd rather be hunted by teens than chase a spider.

Sorry. Cat available for petting trumps human in need of sleeping.

We stopped trusting you when you left us something to flush.

Updated 4/23/13:

This could work out really well for the boyfriend.

Aim for the head.

How does the artist know the shitter is jubilant?

Like that Al Pacino movie "Insomnia," except with smellier fingers.

She has loud sex that she has to apologize for AND access to cinnamon rolls? Want her life.

Doing dishes sucks. We'll take the cocks.

Updated 3/18/13:

Just do it, no matter what "it" may be.

Also enrolled you in a scientology course, hope that's cool!

No one is more concerned about Susie collecting cat piss than the cat.

Not going to try and prove you wrong.

Joe already gives his teeth Flintstone chewables. He shouldn't be doubling up.

Many roommates have lost themselves in the endless piss-seat loop.

Ben Kingsley was excellent in this kitchen.

Updated 2/8/13:

This is considerate, and it doesn't judge those who do want such things.

Who can keep from passing out long enough for a hot pocket to cook?

The roommate is staring at that last sip, checking his watch, waiting...waiting...

How can we add "or when you're awake" to the deal?

8:40, or, if you're into it, 8:45. Whatever works for you. I'm not a "rules" guy. Oops, vomiting.

Lease plainly states, "Write your 30 days notice on some cardboard before moving out."

Updated 1/14/13:

Jeff is bad at bribes.

11) No asking why I am this way. Just know that I have been hurt before and it won't happen again.

Raisin Bran tastes so much better carbonated.

High people tell the worst stories.

No wonder Michael's catch-phrase is "I prefer to stand."

Seems legit.

Thank God "Peanut butter 4 my balls" wasn't included in "Sandwich Stuff."

Updated 12/5/12:

I think you're confusing your your Sammy LJ roles but the point still stands.

Average male-female rooming ratio: 80% of the fridge belongs to female, 80% consumed by male.

Does her/his roommate only have one fork? That might be the larger problem.

That means you, Alex. I'm saving this spider for when I get up in the morning!!!

Let's just hope that there is an emergency and this person's life is improved by cleansing fire.

Thank you, Jay. Jaq? Jag? The point is, what a polite note of depravity.

Prophet Eric earlier prophesied a wrathful plague of deleted DVR episodes, and verily 'twas true.

And it was then Chris realized the Boyz would never advance 2 Men.

Posted 11/14/12:

Everyone spent the next few days walking very gingerly around the apartment.

And you thought younger generations don't send thank you notes anymore.

And from then on, Sajid would never wear underwear ever again.

T.J really likes to sleep if the main issue with someone peeing on the floor is the noise it makes.

Thanks Brendon. Enjoy...um..."Fagtown?"

Use the wings you've been given to fly far away by the end of the month.

Updated 10/8/12:

Nothing tears apart an apartment share like a baked good suicide.

If you have time to learn to read and write in English, you have time to clean your own puke.

Cockjuggling used to be big before Puppetry Of The Penis swept the nation.

He seems like a good listener.

Trickle down government is trickling really far.

In our day a sock on the door handle meant "I Hope You Die" but we were classier then.

Guess "All Of The Above" is fair game then?

Sad thing is the cashier at CPK wrote that.

Updated 9/7/12:

Updated 8/2/12:

Updated 7/2/12:

Updated 6/7/12:

Updated 5/18/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 5/2/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 4/16/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 3/3/12:

Updated 2/3/12:

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

Updated 1/10/11:

Posted 12/1/11:

It's always the little ones.(via HSSV)

Someone at the Humane Society of Silicon Valley decided that to find a home for "Eddie the Terrible," they'd have to be brutally honest up front. "How does so much naughty exist in one dog?" asks their blog in a post titled "Three Reasons You DON'T Want To Adopt Eddie The Terrible."

They also made this video illustrating exactly how terrible Eddie is around other dogs:

Between the blog post and the video, the case against adopting Eddie is pretty damning.

Eddie isn't good around other dogs. He isn't good around children. And he does not enjoy sleeping in a crate. He's "never actually bitten anyone but we're not saying it could never happen."

So yeah, he's a little bit of a nightmare.

(This Human Society is located on Ames Avenue.) (via HSSV)

It's definitely a risky move to publicize all of a dog's faults, but of course, the best scenario for a rescue dog is going to an owner who knows what she or he is getting into. The blog post makes it clear that "unless you're looking for a dog that's a little bit of work, Eddie the Terrible is not the dog for you."

On other hand, this little terror is "super loyal, easy in the house and a lot of fun." For the right owner, Eddie could be just the yapping, lap-warming, fetch-playing dog they need.

Bad to the Milk-Bone. (via HSSV)

And if the challenge of Eddie isn't for you, there are plenty of happy-go-lucky rescue dogs out there just waiting for a forever home. The Humane Society has four in particular that "make up for Eddie's terrible-ness."

Santa Traps: not to be confused with jolly men who make you think they're Santa before trying to sleep with you.

Martin Freeman received high marks as the host of SNL this weekend, so it should come as no big surprise that this week's "Cut For Time" digital exclusive, Santa Traps, is also worth watching, even though it didn't make it past dress rehearsal on Saturday night (fun fact: the dress rehearsal on Saturday evening is about 30 minutes longer than the show they put on at 11:30). It's not quite as great as The Office: Middle Earth, but that's only because The Office: Middle Earth was really, really good.

Now, this sketch probably got cut for being, well, really weird, but that might actually be what makes it better suited to the Internet. Yes, it's an ad for traps for Santa. Congrats on guessing that part. You will be wrong about everything else.

Maybe it's the flannel, maybe it's the pained, insane smile, or maybe I am just offensively lumping together funny British people, but Freeman's Michael Braslow reminds me a lot of Michael Palin's American characters. I think it's the accent, which in both cases seem to involve a lot of forced overconfidence (yeah, that sounds about right).

Check out last week's Cut For Time sketch (and the only other one we've ever felt like putting up), this spot-on parody of VH1 list shows, The 100 Greatest Guys.

Just sh*t. No bull.

You can cross holiday shopping off your to-do list, everyone's getting sh*t this year.

The popular card game Cards Against Humanity (the fill-in-the-blank game that encourages you to be disgusting/offensive, or as I see it, the game that took all the creativity out of Apples 2 Apples) took a pro-humanity stance on Black Friday when it removed all of their merchandise from their online store, and instead only sold boxes of bovine feces, that is, bullsh*t.

They decided to make this movement because, as CAH founder Max Temkin told Time, "We all really hate Black Friday, it's just kind of a horrible day. It comes after this day where you're supposed to be thankful for what you have, and then it's just this whole huge media spectacle of people fighting each other to save $50 on a TV."

Fine. They are protesting consumerism even though, as a business, they are the beneficiaries of consumerism, and I would bet Apples 2 Apples that the holiday season is when they make the bulk of their profit.

ANYWAY.

They produced 30,000 of their trademark black boxes, packed them with crap like the colon of someone who has just eaten a huge Thanksgiving feast, and then got the same manufacturers who make Apple's packaging to print "Bullshit" right on the box to make sure people knew what they were getting for $6.

They sold out within an hour. That's $180,000 in one hour for crap.

Why? Did people want to spend $6 to buy evidence that they also hated Black Friday? Or did they think they were going to get a special reward for supporting the message?

CAH founder assured his followers on Twitter: people would be getting what they paid for.

If you buy the poop expecting it to be something else that’s not poop, you’re actually buying a valuable life lesson for $6.

— Max Temkin (@MaxTemkin) November 28, 2014

And then, all this week, people started getting shit in the mail.

Here's Kevin from LAist opening his package, eagerly anticipating what wonderful prize was inside the Bullshit box. He even uses his bare hands to break the dried-up turd apart just to make sure it wasn't some fortune dookie containing lottery numbers or lessons on how to speak cow.

Hahahahah! Cards Against Humanity made potentially 30,000 people touch their poop!

Even Orlando Jones bought into the bullsh*t, tweeting his excitement that, despite receiving excrement in the mail, at least one company delivered on its promise this season.

Thanks @CAH ! You stick to your word, and that's no bull! #HolidayBullshitpic.twitter.com/X1lFrwzne0
— Orlando Jones (@OGOrlandoJones) December 12, 2014

Bummed you're not tweeting cool poop tweets like Orlando Jones? Even though CAH isn't hanging around cow butts anymore, waiting for something to sell, some of the lucky poop prospectors who snagged one of the original 30,000 are re-selling their prizes on eBay. This box of shit could be yours for $32.

Or you could just take a dump in a box yourself.