Kim Jong Un, shown here in the most positive light .

The people who hacked Sony Pictures Entertainment may not actually be North Korean (it appears, for now, as if they're merely massively deluded a-holes sympathetic to the hermit regime), but it's become increasingly clear that the sole motivation for their attack was the upcoming Seth Rogen and James Franco film The Interview. The movie, a buddy film where two movie stars are enlisted by the CIA to kill the North Korean dictator, culminates in the glorious explosion of Kim Jong-Un's head.

Since the leaks started, however, the fallout has mostly been a major business disaster for Sony, an ethical problem for journalists (they seem to have gotten over it), an embarrassment for certain celebrities and Sony employees, and an amusement for readers.

Unrelated: is this place based on the pyramid from Blade Runner, or the other way around?

According to Variety, however, a new statement from the hackers (possibly called Guardians of the Peace) might change that with a promise to enact real-world violence on anyone who goes to see The Interview on Christmas Day. I hope no one ever tells them about Team America.

Let's take a look at what these sad individuals have threatened:

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places "The Interview" be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you'd better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.

This is a stupid letter. It's a bad letter. EVERY SINGLE PART OF THIS LETTER SUCKS.

If I was a Terrorism Lit 101 teacher and I had to grade this, I would give it an "F." I mean, "All the world will denounce the SONY"? Do you think the company is all-caps because that's how it's printed on your TV set? Do you really think it's the SONY? Do you speak the English?

Also, ALSO, the premiere already happened last week in LA, numbnuts! Yes, there is still a NYC premiere happening on Thursday (which has been scaled back a little bit), but if you think New Yorkers are gonna cancel a party because of you, you are (I hope) sadly mistaken.

"Remember the 11th of September 2001"? A.) Adding 2001 was redundant, but if you are going to do that, there should have been a comma after September. B.) Telling people to "remember" 9/11 is also redundant. If we want someone to tell people who don't need telling to "remember" 9/11, we'll talk to any politician, thanks. C.) Kinda weird to come so close to referencing "Remember, remember the 5th of November" without going all the way. That sentence is just unsatisfying.

Finally, you pro-Kim piss-ants: "Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made"? That happens pretty much every single Friday, all year round. That literally describes most of the movies Sony puts out (and every other studio). We didn't need you to tell us that Sony makes bad movies. Sony does that. By making movies.

So, in conclusion, you've written a threat no one will listen to because they will either not believe you or refuse to listen out of spite. To make matters worse, it's a terribly written, barely sentient, immature piece of illiterate garbage. Plus, now law enforcement is going to quadruple the amount of resources they have devoted to finding you. Before, we were all wondering whether it was OK to enjoy the stuff you leaked. Seriously, no one took you seriously. Now we're all going to see The Interview (which better be fucking good, but you won't hear me say it if it's not) just to piss you off.

TL;DR - International criminals should stick to leaks; making threats of a new 9/11 is just going to piss us all off.

They named it SantaCon after weighing the pros. (Via Getty Images)

A brilliant San Francisco man made the most of SantaCon by dressing as Santa to rob a bank in Union Square, and then disappearing into the Where's Waldo debauchery of drunken Santas.

It was the perfect crime. Come, sit around the fire, and listen to the tale...

Twas the night before SantaCon, when all through SanFran,

Not a frat bro was stirring, except for one man.

His wallet sat empty, but the man didn't care

He knew that some money soon would be there.

The i-banker d-bags were nestled all snug in their beds;

While visions of slutty elves danced in their heads.

And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Planned to avoid SantaCon entirely, and not give a crap.

Next day during SantaCon there arose such a clatter,

As every bro and and dumb ho dressed like Santas with no fathers.

Away to the Bank teller's window one Santa flew like a flash,

And handed the bank teller a note demanding some cash.

She gave him some money and away he did go,

The exact amount he got we might never know.

Then what to the banks security guard's wondering eyes did appear,

But hundreds of identical Santas, and some drunken reindeer.

Into the masses the robber disappeared quick,

They knew in a moment, they'd never find their St. Nick.

Create something! You don't see me fighting Optimus over the Comment Matrix, do you?

I don't know if this is a rehearsed speech that the dude in the Megatron stilt-costume gives to anyone taking a cellphone picture, or if he finally just lost it after the 10,000th time someone took a selfie instead of asking directly to take a picture with him, but whoever is piloting this Megatron outfit deserves way more Academy Awards than anyone who worked on those films.

"Use your mind!" rails the Decepticon who wants nothing more than to wipe out the Autobots and their human allies, "Create new memories. Interact! Don't just add it to a library of forgotten photographs. How disappointing your generation is!" And he should know, since he spent all those decades watching the planet while locked beneath ice.

Now if only someone could sic this dude on those annoying reddit armie YouTube commenters. Can we all agree that they should stay in 2014? Ugh, listen to me complain. I'm turning into a total Megatron.

Introducing Scaredy Cat.

The Internet has been building towards this moment for a while now. A few years ago, someone came up with the brilliant idea to film a dog wearing a hoodie at a dinner table and make it appear as though the dog had human hands and was eating with utensils. The concept was as simple as it was brilliant. And like any good idea on the Internet, it was instantly stolen by so many people that Dogs Eating With Human Hands became a thing.

The Freshpet Holiday Feast featuring 13 dogs and one cat is the first big-budget entry into the Dogs Eating With Human Hands genre. The film features a preppy pit bull, a German intellectual, a drunk bully, a texting teen, and several other dogs, but the breakout star of this instant classic is one very confused, likely terrified cat. Enjoy.

Adele Dazeemin' for the season.

I can't say this with any actual authority, but I think it's safe to assume that if Charles Dickens were writing A Christmas Carol today, he probably wouldn't have Ebenezer Scrooge visited by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future. That phantasmagoric coterie might have disturbed readers back in the Victorian era, but it wouldn't really cut it for modern audiences.

Imagine instead being visited at your door by a seemingly endless stream of scenery-chewing celebrities, each one more chipper and histrionic than the last. No sooner has Celine Dion finished darkening your doorway with Christmas cheer than Kelly Clarkson arrives to beat the holiday spirit into your eardrums. She is followed by crooners like Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel and Ariana Grande. But it doesn't end there. Drew Barrymore, Keira Knightley and Sarah Palin appear in turn, as well as a number of other entertainers, all apparently intent on driving you insane with their Yuletide festiveness:

It is truly an impressively bleak scene that the immensely gifted impressionist and singer Christina Bianco—who has previously lent her talents onstage to songs such as "Let It Go" and "Total Eclipse of the Heart"—creates in this Christmas video. The nightmarishness of the scenario is only outstripped by the quality of her impersonations.

Heathcliff just won't be outdone playing pranks on everyone.

Heathcliff is at it again! And instead of digging perfectly intact fish bones out of trash cans, this real life Heathclilff went straight to the gourmet aisle.

The stray, which from this point on I will refer to as Eastern Russian Heathcliff, is assumed to have been casing the fish store in the Vladivostok International Airport for days before his actual heist.

I've never seen a stray cat at one of our US airports. At most, I've seen a few pigeons hanging out at LaGuardia, but I guess that's what you get when you keep fish stores at your airports instead of Chilli's Toos.

A few of the airport employees noticed the cat, but ignored it because no one cares about stray cats running around airports in Russia, I suppose.

Somehow, Eastern Russian Heathcliff managed to break in, and made a feline bee-line (hi mom!) straight to the display case, where he gorged his starved cat tummy on $1,100 worth of fish.

One customer filmed ER Heathcliff as he pawed and scratched at the squid and flatfish.

The popularity of the story earned ER Heathcliff a bunch of offers for adoption, but he ended up being given to an ice hockey club called Admiral Vladivostok, where the cat has become the new mascot, and has been named after Russia's version of a cartoon cat, Matroskin, from the cartoon "Three from Prostokvashino."

I guess they realized, "he can win it with you!"

"Only bad thing about you is you haven't taught me how to use apostrophes."
(via Pink News)

As part of a weeklong anti-bullying campaign, a teacher at a school in England asked his students if they'd ever heard the word "gay" used in a derogatory way. "Almost every one of my class put their hands up. I was stunned," the unnamed teacher told Pink News, though if you've ever spent more than five minutes with a group of fourth graders, you're probably not as stunned as he was.

The students also all raised their hands when their teacher asked if they thought there was something wrong with being gay. The teacher had never mentioned his sexual orientation, even though his colleagues mentioned their "husbands, wives, and significant others all the time." He decided to get his headmaster's support to tell his students he was gay, "so they at least knew one gay person."

With the headmaster's support, the teacher came out to his class. "The reaction was fantastic—there were lots of gasps and shocked looks and some basic questions—do you have a boyfriend, etc—but after a couple of minutes they were over it and we moved on to the rest of the lesson," he said to Pink News.

Then, a couple of days later, this letter appeared from a 9-year-old girl in his class who wanted to make sure her teacher knew how "brave" he was. She writes, "I will always treat you the same way as I do now" and told him not to "feel scared because I know that everyone in the class feels the same way as I do." (Perhaps she took her own informal hand-raising survey.)

The teacher was touched by her letter, and loved that he is now able to "mention [his] fiance as easily as any other teacher." No report on whether his students have stopped using "gay" as an insult, but let's take this one step at a time.

Properly ineffectual form.

Should you ever find yourself abducted, with your two hands bound together with duct tape, it is extremely important that you know the proper way to not free yourself from said predicament. So now, with the help of the how-not-to video below, we will teach you in six easy steps how to remain trapped indefinitely:

Step 1: Lift your hands above your head.

Step 2: Bring your hands quickly and ineffectively down to your groinal area.

Step 3: Repeat ad infinitum, or until your self-esteem gives out, like so:

Step 4: Give the embarrassing ordeal another shot.

Step 5: Possibly screw up something inside your wrist real bad.

Step 6: Beg for mercy:

It was a very odd year.

For me, the most shocking thing about this compilation featuring many of 2014's most popular viral videos, is that there are some that I hadn't already seen. I'm up to my neck in viral content all day, pretty much everyday. I see adorable cats in my sleep. I could teach a course in contemporary toddler dancing. Hell, I know some of Tinder's biggest creeps by name. And yet, I still can't keep up with the endless video content flooding the Internet. Viewing them all is virtually impossible. Instead, take a look back at 2014 with this supercut of the year's best videos.

Of course, everyone will have their own opinion about which are the best viral videos of 2014. These are the top 200 clips according to YouTuber Zapatou, a guy who somehow seems to spend more time on the Internet than I do.

Failure to Launch 2

The YouTube video is called Kayak Launch Fail, but it's so much more than that. It's like a kayak fail documentary, chronicling one man's epic struggle against the elements, after his boat buddy leaves him stranded on the beach to get his kayak out on the water by himself. It just goes on and on. The video could be used by maritime instructors to teach students the dangers of launching a kayak on the ocean with zero boating experience, no sense of balance, and poor decision-making skills.

Watching the clip, you can't help but wonder why the guy filming wouldn't put down the camera and help Captain Slapstick launch his boat. But after witnessing the first guy go out without any problems, the cameraman must have figured the guy on the beach would eventually figure it out. Or, after several minutes of doing the opposite of figuring it out—even losing his cooler of food—he would at least have enough sense to quit before the Coast Guard had to be called.

It's easy to feel like a wizard in a world of muggles when you're Jewish at Christmastime.

J.K. Rowling gets it. So she was quick to reply when a Jewish fan tweeted at her with the following urgent question about wizard religion:

@jk_rowling my wife said there are no Jews at Hogwarts. I'm a Jew so I assume she said it to be the only magical 1 in the family. Thoughts?
— ben (@benjaminroffman) December 16, 2014

Just one hour later, Rowling replied:

.@benjaminroffman Anthony Goldstein, Ravenclaw, Jewish wizard.
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) December 16, 2014

Anthony Goldstein! Of course! Everyone's favorite Ravenclaw background character, who first appears in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix as a member of Dumbledore's Army.

Who needs a Harry or a Hermione when we have Anthony Goldstein? Okay, sure, I was rooting for Dumbledore or at least McGonagall, but no, no, Anthony Goldstein's great, too. I totally remember him from the books.

Major big deal wizard guy. Can't wait for Adam Sandler to put this famous Hogwarts bocher in his next Hanukkah song.

Have a Dementor-free Hanukkah, y'all.

Yes, she was thinking of you while hacking flesh to bits with a cleaver.(Via)

Sometimes a missed connection ad seems to be there solely to show you how close you came to death, or worse, a hookup or relationship with a truly unhinged person. Look through these ads detailing some terrifying near-misses, and if you recognize yourself in any of them, thank your lucky stars you got away alive.

I'll wait for Molly Hatchet. Not going to stick around for Dangerous Toys though.
I won't wait forever! (Via)

He must have some attractive puke if it got him an invite to eat more. (Via)

"I have a great relationship with my father...and some dude we met on Craigslist." (Via)

Updated 11/19/14:

There should be a "forward to your investigating police officer" button on CL.(Via)

What you were wearing? A flimsy gown rolled up above your waist?(Via)

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Need more details. What kind of cat food?(Via)

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Aggressive nipping? Like, in a threatening way? Or just an "invading my space" way?(Via)

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Wouldn't it be great if this was the same woman from the OB/GYN?(Via)

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You both love name-brand fashion at low prices. You were made for each other.

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Had no idea there was more than one brand of pork rinds.(Via)
(click image to enlarge)

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To summarize. You: Neck veins. Me: Enjoys neck veins.

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He's not going to want to have sex with you if you make him catch a cold.

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Updated 1/22/14:

Everyone has their own definition of "funny." Especially when it comes to smells.

I'm sure she remembers your fingertip when it grazed the digital pixelation of her face.

Some fish are the catch of the day. For her, it was the catch of a lifetime.
(click image to enlarge)

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The most wonderful time of the year (for pervs).

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You call him a BabyDaddy. She calls him a FucktrophyDaddy. Potato, potahto.
(click image to enlarge)

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Dude, find her! You'll never find someone with lower standards!
(click image to enlarge)

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Updated 9/30/13:

Did she perhaps shout, "I am calling the police?" If so, it's love.

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If this is your type a of woman, you might really just be looking for a pet.

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Just had to be in jail for a few hours. We all need our alone time.
(click image to enlarge)

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It's hard to find a edumacated man who understands horemones. Keeper!

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Give him a chance. Some of those grandes can cost like seventeen bucks.
(click image to enlarge)

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If there was ever an incentive to turn that frown upside down, it's not this.

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Updated 6/28/13:

OMG is this the guy we pooped on at the diner on Sansom last week?

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I want to recycle our encounter and turn it into 85% post-consumer love.
(click image to enlarge)

Just click to enlarge. It's worth it.
(click image to enlarge)

How many pie-related experiences does he think she's had?

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You clearly have a thing for men with snot-covered hands.
(click image to enlarge)

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We're pretty sure we know who this is about. And we agree.
(click image to enlarge)

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We can work this out if you relax your rules about not throwing fruit at the elderly.
(click image to enlarge)

Updated 5/29/13:

I could fart and you could laugh for the rest of our lives.

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If you want to be with the kind of guy who sneaks pics of chicks' toes, I'm your man.

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Was it Meghan? Sorry, I'm a little hard of hearing.

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But now that I've apologized, maybe you're into that sort of thing?
(click image to enlarge)

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Girl, your fine ass is just made for sexual harassment training.

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Save this one for the scrapbook for your grandchildren!
(click image to enlarge)

Updated 4/29/13:

Maybe see you at the reading of the will?

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Physical description: he had hair, empty eyeballs, and a nose.

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A man who can make explosives out of his mullet is truly innovative.

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Seeking: Policeman. Must be able to duck.

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Always great to find someone who shares your interests/infections.

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Dark prince disciples always fall for the flame-haired alabaster crystal guardians.

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Updated 3/25/13:

Fake. The "I vomited on your shoes" thing is used in every Nicholas Sparks novel.

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How could she leave him? He had a logo and everything!

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Brenda, everyone at that library would like you to take him back.
(click image to enlarge)

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Can we get this guy and the farting "We shared a moment" girl together?
(click image to enlarge)

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She only put you in jail because she wanted to know where that pretty face was at all times.
(click image to enlarge)

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Nope. Want to go peeing some time?

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If you were at a store recently and you had an ass, somebody loves you.

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Updated 1/30/13:

You never know when you're going to be the victim of unlawful entry...in your heart.

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Ew, he got taller? Dealbreaker.

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We want these people to throw us in their trunk and take us on a cross-country crime spree.

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Would have been a ten but the landing was actually too sticky.

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We don't understand what happened, but we're excited that kittens are using Craigslist now.

Updated 1/3/13:

Dear God. Did...did he kill her with his fart?

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Fork-geddaboudit!

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Um, drunk as she was, she should still avoid responding to an ad from a guy who naps on train platforms.

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Updated 12/03/12:

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Updated 9/14/12:

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Updated 8/9/12:

It's all been leading up to this, and by "this," I mean "nothing remotely conclusive whatsoever." I gave up hope of there being any determination of guilt or innocence a couple episodes ago, when a Best Buy shoplifter's 15-year-old recollection that she doesn't remember seeing any payphones in the parking lot was presented as a smoking gun. I've shoplifted from stores in my youth, and for a period I shoplifted from the same store repeatedly. I have no idea whether that store had a payphone out front because I couldn't have given a crap! I was trying to run away with CDs in my jacket. I never thought to stop and make some phone calls.

With the likelihood that we're not going to get anything solid regarding the killer's identity, this Funny or Die prediction of what will happen in tomorrow's finale episode is probably on target. Just remember, it was fun playing detective for a while.

Justice isn't blind. (Via Fox2Now)

Congratulations to Gracemor Elementary School in Kansas City, you've just won the Worst School in America award!

It wasn't easy, but Gracemore Elementary managed to beat out all competitors in just one afternoon by taking a blind kid's cane away and replacing it with a pool noodle.

You heard right. In an unprecedented move, Gracemor Elementary not only took away 8-year-old Dakota Nafzinger's only method to navigate a world designed for sighted people, but, to seal the deal, they replaced it with a pool toy. Instead of being able to detect curbs and alert strangers to his blindness, Dakota, a child born without any eyes, has been relegated to alerting strangers that he might like to swim.

"It's a lot harder with this," Dakota told FOX2, describing his pool toy.

The school bus driver took the cane away because he claimed Dakota had used it to hit a kid, which might be grounds for taking the cane until Dakota was ready to get off the bus, but instead the school decided to hold on to his cane as punishment for two weeks. Clearly not a stable device for the blind, I can only assume giving Dakota the funoodle is just extra punishment in the form of humiliation.

Ease up on the poor kid! Lots of kids hit each other on the bus, that doesn't mean the school should amputate their arms and tell them to use a water wing as a prosthesis.

The cane was the property of the school, given to Dakota when he started the year, but still it had become something he relied on to not bump into things and fall down all the time. You know, it did what canes are supposed to do for blind people.

It is with these things in mind I am tasked to bestow Gracemor Elementary with the award of Worst School in America. Congratulations on winning this award, and on winning your petty battle with a blind child. Now that you are in possession of his cane, I hope you realize where you can stick it.

At this time I would also like to offer condolences to the school that made a 3rd grader unclog a toilet with his bare hands on their loss of this award. Better luck next year.

"Oh man. I really should have eaten some wedding rings before reading this question."

I don't know what to say in your defense, Whitney Beseler. Obviously, you were under a lot of pressure when you got to appear on Millionaire Hot Seat, an Australian spin-off of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Furthermore, it was the first question and you hadn't gotten your game-show legs yet, so to speak. Maybe if you were from America, where we don't do "anniversary rings," you might have had a teeny-tiny little bit of an excuse. Regardless, when there are four options to any question and one of them is "Burger Rings," that's the one that doesn't belong.

What are "burger rings," you ask? Well, if you lived in Australia or New Zealand, you would know how extra stupid this was—because these (below) are burger Rings. They are also what the host kindly gave to you as a consolation prize when he called you back on stage at the end of the show to help ameliorate your embarrassment. I have to say, they do look pretty comforting.

Burger Rings: Comfort food for anything, even embarrassment about Burger Rings