1. U.S. Officials Confirm That North Koreans Know How To Use Computers

Officials from the U.S. government have confirmed that North Korea is in fact "centrally involved" in the hacking of Sony Pictures Entertainment's servers. The craziest aspect of this ordeal is the hackers somehow managed to pull this off with their country's one room-sized, diesel-fueled computer.

Shame North Korea couldn't block the release of Sex Tape.

— Matt Suddain (@suddain) December 18, 2014

2. Cuban Cigars Are About To Start Tasting A Lot Shittier Now That They're Not Illegal

Now that the U.S. embargo against Cuba is coming to an end, and American travelers are allowed to carry $100 worth of the tropical nation's famous cigars home with them, smoking aficionados are about to make a somewhat shocking discovery: Cuban cigars kind of taste like ass. It remains to be seen whether they taste sufficiently more like ass than other high-end cigars for anyone to care.

OK, but when are we going to end the embargo on Cuba Gooding Jr?

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 18, 2014

3. Donald Trump 'Seriously' Considering 2016 Presidential Run, To Joy Of Comedy Fans Everywhere

Millionaire blowhard and reality TV star Donald Trump has once again decalred that he is "seriously considering" a run for the presidency in 2016. "A lot of people think I have fun with [talking about running for president] and I enjoy the process, but the country is in very serious trouble so I am considering it seriously," Trump said on Monday. Is he even allowed to talk about a presidential run and use the word "serious" at the same time? Doesn't that break some kind of campaign regulation?

Just found Donald Trump's birth certificate. It says he was born in Douchebagistan.

— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) October 29, 2014

4. Four-Legged Clump Of Ratty Hair To Be Acknowledged By American Kennel Club

The American Kennel Club has announced that the Bergamasco Shepherd—a somewhat dog-shaped pile of gross-looking hair with a protruding tongue—is included in a list of four new dog breeds that it will henceforth officially recognize.

Can't believe they have to put down all the losers at the dog show. Seems like a crazy rule.

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) November 27, 2014

5. Gay Divorce Finally Comes To Florida

A Florida circuit judge yesterday invalidated Florida's ban on gay marriage in order to grant a divorce to a lesbian couple. "For the first time in a divorce case, a judge has ruled that the state laws banning same-sex marriage and the recognition of those marriages is void and unenforceable because they violate Floridians' rights to equal protection under the law and the right to due process," an attorney for one of the women stated after the decision. It also confirms my belief that divorces are actually joyous occasions.

I'd like to be the first to propose that gay divorce be made illegal. Come on you two... You love each other. Work it out. For the corgis!!!

— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) May 9, 2012

Who wouldn't be tempted to bite into what look like a bunch of rocks? (Thinkstock)

What a goof!

A woman eating at Equinox, a restaurant in Washington, D.C., thought a tray of white Alba truffles was a bunch of free samples and took a huge bite out of one. The truffles were on display in a glass case to advertise the company's vegan brunch, which includes truffle shavings for an additional $20.

White truffles are extremely expensive. The biggest one in the world at 4.16 pounds recently sold for $1 million. The bite is estimated to have cost $300.

Apparently, a big ol' bite of truffle doesn't taste that great, because the woman in question told co-owner Ellen Kassoff Gray that she didn't like the flavor. She suggested the restaurant cut off the part she bit and save the rest.

Luckily for the customer, Gray decided not to charge her for her mistake. But she obviously could have, which makes you wonder if this isn't a great way for restaurants to make money.

Stick out a tempting tray of brownish-white blobs—you could use regular mushrooms rolled in dirt—and then when a foolish patron chokes one down, inform them that they owe you hundreds of dollars. You'll look totally classy for having truffles laying around, and you'll make bank.

Cooking up some magic.

Weird Al is not a magician, but as a musician he does have the ability to take commonplace pop songs and transform them into comedy gold. Turning an ordinary song like "Blurred Lines" into the delightfully entertaining "Word Crimes" takes a certain kind of magic. So it shouldn't come as a surprise to learn that the song parody legend is capable of performing other types of illusions. In this case, making a spherical orb float in the air for several seconds.

Pretty impressive trick. Now I want to watch Weird Al transform that pot of cold water into delicious soup.

Take me to your dealer. (Via Mazda)

The terrifying promise that one day machines will take over and kill us all is getting nearer each day, and the people who are willing to submit to their robotic authority will be the first to go.

Like New Zealand couple Mollieanne and Brian Smith, who nearly fell prey to their cold, unfeeling Mazda 3 hatchback.

The couple found themselves inside their new "keyless" car in their garage on November 5th, and without their transponder, believed there was no way to get themselves out. They were trapped by automation.

The NZ Herald reports that Brian and Mollieanne attempted to free themselves from the clutches of their metal overlord by "sounding the horn and trying to smash a window with a car jack," but their attempts were futile, as their lifeless Mazda refused to be breached, and also it was Guy Fawkes night and nothing could be heard above the fireworks.

Disguising a murder under the distraction of fireworks... this car had the same strategy as the Menendez brothers. Did this automobile gain consciousness, or were the sibling killers robots?

By the time the car's victims were discovered by neighbors at 7:45 am, 13 hours since they first were trapped, Mrs. Smith had become unconscious, and Mr. Smith was struggling for air. The wife spent three days in a hospital recovering from her robotic attack. Doctors said if they had spent even another 30 minutes inside that car, they would have died.

They are both fine now, though definitely changed from the experience. And they have learned that "the manual lock was the same as the inside door handle on many other vehicles."

Of course. It's so obvious, and yet... so obvious.

"Once I found out how simple it was to unlock it I kicked myself that I did not find the way out," Brian tells the NZ Herald. "I had this mind-set that I did not have the transponder [so I could not get out]."

If it could think, that's exactly what the machine would have wanted him to think.

This photo is from the godless times of 2013, when idiots took "love thy neighbor" literally.
(via Google Street View)

The First United Methodist Church in Alexandria, Indiana will shut its doors for good on Dec. 31st, after the congregation left en masse this year following the new minister's decision back in January to force the church's choir director, who was gay, to resign.

David Mantor, the recently-appointed pastor whose brief tenure destroyed the flock he was sent to shepherd, insists that the church is closing because of the larger, national decline in church attendance which has been going on for 30 years or more. "This is a problem that's going on everywhere, and that's why we're closing," said the pastor, apparently unaware that lying is a sin, denying flatly that the closure was related to Adam Fraley, the man who attended First United with his partner for six years, and whom the congregation had hired to be the church's choir director.

Some former congregants, from when there were enough people for a Facebook group.
(via Facebook)

Indeed, when the congregants hired pastor Mantor, they claim it was with the stipulation that he not interfere with the well-liked Fraley, a promise church members say the minister backed out on once he was in charge. The United Methodist Church is still trying to decide exactly how it feels about the gays. They are officially allowed to participate in mass, but prohibited from being pastors (if they're "practicing" homosexuals) or other church officials. However, a lay position like choir director is supposed to be left to the judgment of the congregation and church leaders.

David Steele was also asked to give up his position as a lay leader of the congregation when he asked Pastor Mantor to reconsider his decision to have Fraley step down. Since those arguments, which occurred at the start of 2014, 80 percent of First United's congregation has now left, and according to Steele's daugher Danielle, donations have almost completely ceased. "This church is closing precisely because of David Mantor," said Danielle Steele (not Danielle Steel) to The Raw Story, "precisely because of the issues surrounding gay rights in the church.

The church has since deleted its Facebook page, but you can rate it as a topic. (via)

Well, one of the nice things about Protestantism is that the congregants can always go hire a new preacher. The good news is I hear there's already a great choir director available.

Kim, is that you?(via)

Kim Kardashian may not have succeeded in breaking the Internet a few weeks ago, but she might have actually managed to break this guy's face. Or fixed it, depending upon your opinion of spending $150,000 on medical procedures intended to make yourself more closely resemble a professional famous person. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

In an interview with The Sun, Jordan James Parke spent a medium-sized fortune to get collagen injected into his lips, Botox injected into his face, comically large eyebrows tattooed in place of his own, and on having his own blood injected back into his face. I don't know what that's for, but it's called a "vampire facial," and Kim did it, so... Anyway, the results speak for themselves:

Can you tell which one is the real Kim? (via)

Obviously, you're entitled to your own opinions concerning Parke's life decisions—in fact, since this is the Internet, I think you're obligated to have them—but he doesn't seem to care very much.

"I laugh when people try to insult me by telling me I look plastic or fake," he told The Sun. "Do they think I'm going for the natural look? If I was, I'd ask for my money back."

Believe it or not, this is not "the natural look."(via)

A rose by any other name... (via)

This is a very big world, filled with lots and lots and lots of people. Some of those people are going to think like us, strive for the same things that we find valuable. Most will not. Maybe you share this guy's world view. Maybe you don't. Doesn't matter. What matters is that if looking kind of a little bit like Kim Kardashian makes Jordan James Parke happy, then it's a good thing. The world is in many ways an awful place. It can use more happiness.

I highly doubt that Parke would condone spending 23 hours listening to a podcast about The Silmarillion, but I hope that he would respect my life decisions, even if they do seem kind of freaky to most people.

Sled so fast your face will blur. (Via Facebook)

Turns out, anyone can have a free amusement park in their yard as long as mother nature is willing to dump plenty of snow on it.

This mystery family, currently going viral around Facebook, is now the industry leader in hommeade snow-coasters. With a deck high enough to create momentum on the first slide down, they were able to build snow banks weaving their snow luge to the other side of their yard.

By the sound from the video, it seems the snow has already become incredibly hard, but maybe if they hosed it down over night they could get a sweet layer of ice going and really up the speed/danger factor.

Have fun kids!

.

They should have listened.

Yesterday, Sony Pictures Entertainment announced they're pulling the plug on the Seth Rogen-James Franco buddy comedy The Interview. Threats of terrorism from whomever is behind the Sony computer hacks led the company (and movie theater chains) to play it safe.

But did it have to end this way?

Perhaps if Rogen and Franco had listened toKroll Show character Liz of PubLIZity, the film would be appearing soon in theaters near you. From touring public spaces in North Korea to staging James Franco's death, most of Liz's ideas for publicizing the film are geared toward getting "chunky" Seth Rogen in the sack. There's almost no mention of assassinating Kim Jong-Un in her pitch because she has no idea what the movie is about.

I think a lot of ruffled hacker feathers would be smoothed by a three-way kiss between Rogen, Franco, and Nick Kroll, don't you?

A normal human being doing his thing.

People Are Awesome is a YouTube channel that creates "videos that celebrate human physical ability and ambition." Many of these feature mortal human beings in possession of no superpowers performing stunts that seem impossible, or, at any rate, highly improbable. At the end of the year, they take the most jaw-dropping of those stunts and pack them into one video. This is their video for 2014:

It's kind of weird to think how easily this could have been a video compilation of crazy people dying terrible, terrible deaths.

Oh não!

It was high drama on a recent episode of MasterChef Brazil when one contestant found herself unable to open a jar she needed to complete her dish. In a panic, and facing certain elimination, she remembered a very important rule of thumb when it comes to cooking: if there's one thing all fathers are good for in any kitchen, it's opening stuck jars. Fortunately for this wannabe master chef, hers was standing several feet away in the viewing gallery. She raced over to him with the stuck jar, which dad was able to open with one quick turn, saving the day and creating a fantastic father/daughter television moment.

It was a pretty sweet scene. Though, as someone who's watched plenty of MasterChef, I'm left wondering what she could've been cooking that required a jar of any kind? Was it part of the Pantry Challenge? Was she making PB&Js? If this was the American version of the show and she presented Gordon Ramsay with food prepared with ingredients from a jar, he would've smashed the dish against the nearest wall while dropping a few F-bombs.

I'm pretty she would've also been called out for cheating and disqualified.

Paramount's cowardice was...ineditable. Inevidable. Inetititle. INEDIDABLE!

America, fuck no! Don't do this, c'mon! Earlier today, I wrote about how, in the wake of The Interview being pulled by Sony, the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema in Dallas was planning on screening Team America: World Police, the foul-mouthed, action-packed 2005 satire of American militarism, Hollywood elitism, and then-North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. Trey Parker and Matt Stone's film, in case you've never seen it, also culminates in the (spoiler alert) grisly death of the Dear Leader of North Korea, and so made the perfect protest movie to screen after our nation's movie choices were censored by terrorists.

Please note: Our Late Shift screening of Team America: World Police has been canceled by Paramount Pictures. pic.twitter.com/TlPVzIeICW

— Capitol Theatre (@CapitolW65th) December 18, 2014

Enter the pantywaists over at Paramount Studios. The Alamo Drafthouse politely tweeted out that the screening would be canceled "due to circumstances beyond our control," but the Capitol Theater in Cleveland, as well as Deadline, were far more direct in assigning blame: it was Paramount, a studio which has not been targeted at all yet in these affairs.

Due to to circumstances beyond our control, the TEAM AMERICA 12/27 screening has been cancelled. We apologize & will provide refunds today.

— Alamo Drafthouse DFW (@AlamoDFW) December 18, 2014

A lot has changed regarding America's stance on terrorism since I was a kid, but the whole "we do not negotiate" thing has been constant since before I was born. Yes, this is not the government, but I thought we were all supposed to be reckless, indignant, freedom loving dicks (not a-holes). As this movie aptly points out, though, everyone in Hollywood is a pussy (watch the movie if you think I'm just being offensive, here). Sigh.

I'm not saying its your patriotic duty to download these movies. You said that. You didn't? Weird. I thought I heard you say that. Weird. And now, without further ado, the sad version of "America, Fuck Yeah."

Freedom is the only way, yeah.

Pronounced the way it looks.

After tonight, Stephen Colbert breaks character for good.

Tonight is the last episode of The Colbert Report on Comedy Central. The show, which started as an offhand joke on The Daily Show, became a massive hit that lasted for ten years.

Stephen Colbert's ability to maintain his high energy and commit to his rabidly neocon character over all those years is the stuff of legend. But sometimes, even Colbert couldn't help but break down laughing.

Here's a bunch of those times:

I was a production intern on the show in 2007, and here's a little insider dirt: Stephen Colbert is a really nice guy. He's nice to everyone from the head writer to the lowliest intern (me!).

I once caught him backstage —after needing several takes to nail a line—casually apologizing to the director for taking so much time to get it right. They'd worked together on hundreds of episodes, but Colbert still wanted to make sure the director knew his hard work wasn't taken for granted.

That deserves a tip of the hat.

Let she whose nip has never slipped cast the first stone.

Did someone say "wardrobe malfunction?"

Probably. People are probably constantly saying "wardrobe malfunction!" around Nicki Minaj, and yet no one ever gets the woman a damn camisole.

Most recently, Minaj appeared on "Watch What Happens Live" with Andy Cohen and kicked off the program with an accidental nip slip. Ironically, Cohen asked her the hard-hitting question of whether she was more embarrassed by her dress falling apart at the VMAs this year or that time her boob fell out of her dress on Good Morning America. Minaj answered him, not realizing she was experiencing a wardrobe malfunction in real time.

Here's the conversation after she'd straightened things out:

The irony aside, I'm getting a little suspicious.

Plenty of women have large areolae. Plenty of women wear cleavage-baring tops. Not that many women have a semi-annual nip slip. You start to wonder if all these slippery nipples couldn't be avoided somehow, like with some kind of fashion tape or a bulky scarf. Or I don't know, a shirt that goes above nipple level. I am just thinking out loud here.

You start to wonder if that nip is slipping accidentally on purpose.