You forgot, "And bring your baby! Let it be with a real stepdad!"(Via)

Don't judge! Face-to-face human interaction has been dead since 2008. How else are we supposed to find love anymore, if not by posting and messaging each other a list of all the stuff we'd like to do to each other? Of course, sometimes your Facebook friends can get a little over-eager, maybe a little too excited to discuss their own anatomy, and that's when they end up on this list celebrating Facebook users trying to establish a romantic connection with no regard for their own dignity.

Woman seeking ass-man into Mexican food. Must be respectful and
loyal and in possession of fresh cilantro.(Via)

They might not know it, but they're kind of perfect for each other.(Via)

Picasso during his blue period? Or, dear God, not his cubist period!(Via)

Maybe she's had enough of boob men. Time for a manicure man.(Via)

Updated 11/26/14:

Sex bomb with delayed detonation.(Via)

Jilted at the Facebook altar. (Via)

She's saying she doesn't want to ruin what you two never had together. (Via)

What part of "cute" don't you understand? (Via)

It's just like one of those tour buses. Hop-on, hop-off. (Via)

Generally, "I love you sooo much" comes a little ways after "Will you go out with me." (Via)

Updated 10/23/14:

A lot of down-on-their-luck guys have wished they could date their bar.(Via)

Jessica cares enough to tell you in private how little she cares for you. (Via)

Are you from a poorly funded school district? Cos daaayuum!(Via)

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Cierra has learned: Give them not even the thinnest strand of hope to cling to. (Via)

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The full message was "We don't talk, and I like it that way."(Via)

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It's sad when you don't even qualify for the category of "someone."(Via)

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The most efficient rejection ever?(Via)

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Updated 8/21/14:

Take that as a warning or a threat. Up to you. (Via)

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He'll take what he can get. (Via)

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This is called "swinging for the fences (and striking out wildly)."(Via)

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Wait another 18 hours. Maybe everyone slept in.(Via)

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With a line like "I don't fuck fat bitches anymore," how can they not come running?(Via)

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8. I make lists of how awesome I am and desperately taunt you with them. (Via)

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Yeah, statuses like this one aren't going to help your cause.(Via)

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Updated 7/27/14:

Maybe send a lifeguard. He's flailing.(Via)

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One day someone not related to you who isn't a part of the greatest generation will give you a like. (Via)

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For post-world cup pickups, you tailor your lines to entire nations and see who bites.(Via)

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She's about to discover a lot of her male friends are forgetful.(Via)

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Make sure your spam messages offering revenge sex end politely.(Via)

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Thank you, heroic sir, for never going a day without reminding every woman on your friend list how creepy you are. (Via)

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Updated 6/8/14:

"Elastic collision" is what science geeks call a one-night stand apparently. (Via)

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You can do that on Facebook? Is that through Facebook Gifts? (Via)

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He'll get you to the starting line. Then you're on your own.(Via)

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You could also leave this on a giant net then trap him when you get a taker.(Via)

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To anyone who wants to help this kid, he's provided a handy hashtag to respond with.(Via)

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"Lol" means "I'm just kidding unless you're into it!" (Via)

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Updated 5/12/14:

60 more comments and she'll know you mean it. (Via)

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The mushrooms just turn your hair into snakes so don't waste time on the gel. (Via)

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Dude's got $35K. If you have a lifetime to spare, you're in business. (Via)

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Paying for love isn't desperate. It's supporting small businesses. (Via)

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As it happens, I have been meaning to try out this new saddle. (Via)

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That deescalated quickly.(Via)

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Updated 4/13/14:

No better way to woo a lover than to call them "braahh."

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Can't imagine why.

Eventually every woman gets sick of the toy boys and wants to meet a toy man.(via)

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"Super cute slut" is exactly what he was going for! Those Kmart glamour shots paid off!(via)

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Before the Internet, them titties could only be snail-mailed. #miracles(via)

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Updated 2/9/14:

They always lose interest the minute you take off the zombie makeup.

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I thought posting Happy Bday on his wall was enough. This is getting out of hand.

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He's going to regret this when she starts hitting on his friends.(Via)

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Dammit. Fell in love again. Stupid literacy!

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Girls love a gentleman who respects their fragile insecurity.

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Do you want a husband or a wifey? Make up your mind and stop playing with hearts!

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Does that come before or after the cake?

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Updated 1/9/14:

You called him bro. He thought that meant you were dating. (Via)

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This was the year he found out Santa's so not real.(Via)

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If you kept the wishing on the stars and off Facebook, you'd have a way better shot.(Via)

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Guess who just became ineligible for the boyfriend part. (Via)

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That went well.(Via)

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Updated 12/12/13:

Perhaps this should have gone in the "Enterprising Entrpreneurs On FB" list.(Via)

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A dog humping a leg has more game. (Via)

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Oh God! She shrunk!(Via)

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Yes, mom! Go over and teach him to take some frigging initiative.(Via)

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Correctional, like jail? Don't send pics! He just wants to trade them for cigarettes. (Via)

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Updated 11/14/13:

The real fight will happen when those four girls start arguing over who gets which imbecile.

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Click like if only interested in being mistress.

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You should all be euthanized.

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In committed relationships?

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Okay, if you can't tolerate all that, I'll set for someone who likes weed.

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Say hello to the 2013 version of "will you wear my varsity jacket?"

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Updated 10/29/13:

How to choose! The "looking good" guy or the "shoo wee" guy? Can't she have both?!

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Way to 100% safeguard yourself against even the hint of rejection, player.

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Can't wait to hear your self-written vows.

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How many relationships are undone by a man tagging another woman in his dessert?

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Study hard. Handsome gentle boyfriends don't look twice at girls who don't pass Maori.

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So hard to balance romance and coloring books in a young girl's life.

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Updated 9/27/13:

Let him know you like him with constant comment-section harassment!

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The surrounding towns heard a rumble from the stampede of interested parties racing to be "boned."

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Alien seeks girl with dimples. Must loathe grammar.

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If you ever get a girlfriend, delete this status if you want to keep all your limbs.

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That was one hell of a meet-cute story. Did Nora Ephron write that dialogue?

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Can't you just donate it or something? Virginity is tax-deductible.

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Updated 8/12/13:

I think the strip club advertisement really likes me!

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Prom's boring anyway. Just stay home and post on Facebook in a fancy outfit.

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You know your moves are working when she has to insist "I'm not a whore."

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It's a medical condition. He has no hands. Pity him.

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Facebook: The perfect way to know who to avoid at Thanksgiving.

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Facebook won't let you put your relationship status in bold, neon font.

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Updated 7/11/13:

Do you find me attractive? How about if I remove my genitals? Oh wait, I'm sad now.

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Not as classy as the story of the lady who rose from a lake holding a penis.

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The day Ben's penis unfriends Ben's brain...we're all doomed.

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And you're narrating it at 4:46 am.

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Give her seven more months to respond, then she's gone.

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Some things the Like button just doesn't convey.

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Updated 6/13/13:

Did he ever think to say, "PLEASE hit me up, bitches?"

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The ultimate pickup line is the one with an "insert your name here" space.

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Wait, are there women who can orgasm without crying?

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Every girl's just looking for a man who'll relocate at the first hint that she's available.

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So would Tom Cruise be Jesus's father-in-law in this? That's a hell of a family tree.

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If Facebook offered a "Translated to reflect your actual thoughts" button.

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Updated 1/2/13:

And some penicillin.

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Oh she's committed. Just boobs then?

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Ladies, stay out of the Axe aisle at Walmart tonight.

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Stop promoting your stupid camel farm and celebrate the fact that it's Wednesday!

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That'll do.

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Give her a chance. She probably has hard candy and a check for five bucks.

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Updated 10/30/12:

Maybe 'F' and 'U' should be introduced to each other.

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It's a trap!

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He took a shot. A ridiculously humiliating shot.

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He just has elegant penmanship.

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If only Facebook allowed him to type in a blinking neon lit font to get the point across.

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Not going to end well at all.

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Updated 9/17/12:

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Posted 6/21/12:

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(by Jake Currie and Dan Wilbur. Designed by Cole Mitchell)

If I looked out my window and saw this I would be pulling the emergency slide.

Usually air stunts are reserved for tiny fighter jets that can turn and twist in tight radiuses, but Airbus decided to put on a formation show with five of their new and monstrous 300 million dollar A350 XWB planes just for a photo shoot.

In celebration of their planes being newly certified by the European Aviation Safety Agency, Airbus hired military from different nations to pilot the mammoths just to get some pretty pictures of their new toys before they sold them to airlines. Photography site fstoppers describes the difficulty of the photo shoot, saying "not only is there over a billion dollars worth of machinery being flown in extremely tight quarters, but the low visibility and low margin for error means that things could turn pear shaped very quickly without adequate planning."

You can watch the planning first, and then the planes take off at 3:35

Jabba the Hutt was such a "baddie."

English comedian Adam Buxton was talking to his five-year-old daughter about the Star WarsAnnual, when she made a very interesting observation (in an adorable British accent).

She knows "Jabba the Hutt is a baddie," but he still gave Leia a "really nice dress," considering she was his slave. Buxton gently tries to suggest the outfit might be a bit "demeaning," but his daughter is not familiar with that word. It's not that the five year old wants to be a slave or anything. She'd try to escape, obviously; she'd just keep the duds.

The Brothers McLeod animated the conversation for Buxton's Christmas special, Adam Buxton's Shed of Christmas.

Sidenote: Even though Buxton's right that the outfit is meant to be demeaning to Princess Leia, apparently Carrie Fisher requested a skimpy outfit that would let her show off what great shape she'd gotten in for the movie. So Carrie probably thought it was a "really nice dress," too.

Monkey see, monkey save.

We should all be so lucky to have a friend as brave and caring as the monkey hero who saved his pal from certain death at a train station in Kanpur, India.

The dramatic scene played out after one monkey got zapped by the wires he was climbing on and fell unconscious onto the tracks below. While dozens of humans decided the best course of action was to stand around filming with their phones, one brave monkey spent five minutes shaking, biting, even dunking his unconscious friend in water trying to revive him. Not exactly techniques that would earn you a passing grade in in CPR class. For a primate, however, pretty impressive. And effective.

Half the wasted bros at SantaCon would've bailed on their friends in the same condition, but the hero monkey refused to give up on his friend in need. After the injured monkey finally came around, his hero pal helped him to the side of the tracks for some post-rescue grooming.

He's still a monkey who lives in a filthy train station, but he's alive. And he's got the best friend a monkey—and a lot of humans—could hope for.

In an attempt to prove to the world how reasonable it is, North Korea has kindly offered to help the U.S. get to the bottom of this whole Sony hacker mess. If, however, Barack Obama's evil capitalist empire doesn't want the assistance, it will face Kim Jong-un's righteous and terrible wrath. "If the U.S. refuses to accept our proposal for a joint investigation and continues to talk about some kind of response by dragging us into the case, it must remember there will be grave consequences," a North Korean spokesperson declared. That's actually moderately reasonable by North Korean standards.

It's a good thing this North Korea thing didn't happen while George W. Bush was in charge cuz we'd be invading Japan right now.

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) December 21, 2014

2. Imprisoned Orangutan Unkindly Associated With Her Human Captors — Declared 'Non-Human Person' By Court

An Argentinian court stopped just short of calling a captive orangutan a human, declaring the 29-year-old primate a "non-human person" while accorded her certain basic rights, such as the right to not spend the remainder of her life locked up in a zoo like some filthy animal. It will henceforth be transferred to a sanctuary, where she will live out the rest of her days in a more comfortable form of imprisonment.

I feel like I know a surprising amount of "non-human" persons. http://t.co/u49K5pqQlP

— Martina (@breadsaltwine) December 22, 2014

3. Turns Out Beavers Have Been The Douchebags Behind Global Warming This Whole Time

Conservationist efforts to bolster the world's beaver population after they were close to extinction a century ago may have had an indirect link to global warming, according to some recently published scientific research. Apparently, the ponds that form around their dams result in large quantities of methane gas being released into the atmosphere, which contributes to climate change. Expect a spokesperson from a beaver think tank to show up on Fox News any day now to explain why global warming is a hoax.

Beavers are the delinquent teenagers of the forest. They just throw stuff into a stream. Forever. Until there's a lake.

— kurt braunohler (@kurtbraunohler) February 6, 2014

4. Society Has Been Tricked Into Finishing Its Gross Carrots When We Could Have Been Eating Ice Cream

So, apparently, all that jazz about carrots improving our eyesight was all just one big, disgusting hoax, concocted by the British government during World War II to hide the fact that their airmen were using radar to locate their targets. I can't wait to call up my mom and tell her how full of shit she was all those years!

Carrots are less good for your eyes when applied directly in their natural form.

— Mikey Mileos (@mikeymileos) October 28, 2014

5. America Says: 'F*** It! Let's Go Watch Some Computer-Generated Orcs'

Despite lackluster reviews and easily recalled memories of the disappointments that were the previous two Hobbit films, moviegoers turned out in droves to watch a bunch of computer-generated orcs fight unconvincingly with a bunch of digitally-reouched dwarves and elves for more hours than you can possibly image. Peter Jackson's The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies easily won this weekend's box office and took in $90.6 million since its opening on Wednesday.

The surprise ending of "The Hobbit" is five more movies.

— CeCe Pleasants (@CeCePleasants) December 17, 2014

God bless us, every positive integer divisible by exactly one positive integer.

Bless the high school math teachers, for they are truly the failed comedians of the world.

Look at this smug math elf, so proud of the little equation he came up with to delight his students who are forced by law to attend his class. You see, Christmas is coming, but that doesn't mean Santa's little teacher's aid can't join in on the Christmas spirit.

"My students are so lucky," he thinks to himself as he finishes solving for "merry x-mas," then folds his arms across his chest, leans against the white board like a 90's rapper, and then lets a smug half smile creep across his satisfied face.

You happy with yourself, teacher who chose to do an unnecessary equation rather than just let the kids have fun?

Yes. Very.

It brings me back...

Look at this poor, uneducated wretch with no job opportunities. (via Getty Images)

Unfortunately for Gwyneth Paltrow, the Internet is not a place where being an incredibly famous, successful, and arrogant college dropout is rewarded. Well, except for half of the industry's billionaires, but in the very specific area of the Internet where food-related blogging goes on, apparently a college degree is a must.

That was the law laid down by Marissa Mayer of Yahoo, anyway, who interviewed the GOOPstress herself for the position of editor of Yahoo Food. According to the New York Timesarticle "What Happened When Marissa Mayer Tried To Be Steve Jobs," Paltrow, who was an anthropology dropout from UC Santa Barbara, applied for the job after already having published her best-selling cookbooks It's All Good and My Father's Daughter and created GOOP, which despite losing money has a lot of name recognition (which usually counts for a lot in the Web biz). However,

"Mayer, who habitually asked deputies where they attended college, balked at hiring her as a contributing editor for Yahoo Food. According to one executive, Mayer disapproved of the fact that Paltrow did not graduate college."

Somewhere out there right now, Martha Stewart is crafting a very tasteful paper mache diploma holder so she can Instagram it and tag her arch-nemesis. I hope this serves as a warning to everyone out there that millions of dollars and the adoration of fans are no replacement for a bachelor of arts or sciences.

As long as the Internet continues to use cute pictures of cats and dogs for Internet memes, why shouldn't they also be used to help animals find forever homes? We teamed up with animal shelters across the country to get pics of real dogs and cats waiting to be adopted, and we turned them into shareable meme images, complete with each pet's details and adoption info. Here now are 10 shelter pets who know exactly what they'll do as soon as they get to their forever homes! Click on the links below each image to find out how to adopt these adorable pets today.

Adopt Bethany at Dupage Animal Control in Illinois.

Adopt Lucy at Animal Haven NYC.

Adopt Boone at Give Me Shelter in San Francisco.

Adopt Jax at PawsCo in Denver.

Adopt Cooly at the Washington DC Humane Society.

Adopt Neely at MSPCA Boston.

Adopt Cuddles at ACCT Philadelphia.

Adopt Pumpkin Spice at the Washington DC Humane Society.

Adopt Leo at Give Me Shelter in San Francisco.

Adopt Josephina at Animal Haven NYC.

The jerk store called, they're missing a tortoise.

There are tens of thousands of videos online of cats being jerks. Conversely, if you Google "tortoise being a jerk," you don't get many results. What you get is a link to this video of a tortoise tormenting Fred the cat by repeatedly ramming him like an NFL linebacker. Either Fred crapped in his terrarium, or this is the biggest a-hole tortoise we've ever seen. It's like he can't help himself. Even after Fred moves to get away from the head-butting, the tortoise follows him around trying to pick a fight.

It's not like Fred is in any danger. He could evade the tortoise by stepping on the floor mat. So, hopefully he gets a kick out the annoying little guy's behavior. Because it doesn't seem like it's going to stop anytime soon.

Let thy junk be healed!

For everyone who thought the name "Gaylord" was just something screen writers came up with to make Ben Stiller look ridiculous, it is actually real name which can occasionally make homophobic pastors look ridiculous.

Anti-gay pastor Gaylard Williams (he spells it with an "a," but otherwise same thing), 53, was arrested and charged with battery after allegedly making sexual advances on a 27-year-old who was parked at a lake. WLKY reports that the victim told police that Williams approached his window on Friday at Cedar Lake, and when the victim rolled his window down to talk to him, Williams "grabbed and squeezed his genitals, and then requested that he perform oral sex."

Williams now claims that he thought was was approaching a friend.

The Daily Beast asserts that as a pastor for Praise Cathedral Church of God in Seymour, Indiana, Gaylard "played to his conservative congregants by coming out swinging against homosexuals."

Now it looks like, more specifically, he came out by grabbing their junk.

The victim said he had to pretend that he was reaching for a gun to scare away the homophobic sexual predator, and then later, after the victim called police and gave them Williams's license plate number, police found homosexual pornography inside Williams's car.

Williams claims the porn wasn't his. I guess in the bigger picture, none of us own anything when we are all the property of the Lord.

According to WLKY's video report, Williams was originally charged with sexual battery, but his offense was unexplainably commuted down to just battery. Maybe the court could only handle so much irony in one day.

Local youth pastor Calen Funke responded to the crime, saying "I guess when you hear of a pastor getting caught of that, you get a little more shocked than I guess somebody else. But we're all sinners, so."

So....

Police have not stated whether Williams's first name was related to the crime.

Not the guy this story is about.

It's got to be tough to emerge from a nearly week-long coma and find out that you suffered a multifocal intracranial brain hemorrhage and nearly died after being involved in a seven-car pile-up. I've luckily never experienced it myself, but I'd have to imagine it's a bit traumatizing.

I have, however, had to deal with the pain of not being a tall, muscular good-looking guy with an endearing air of casualness and wry twinkle in his eye every single day of my life, so I can kind of understand what it must have been like for 25-year-old Rory Curtis to wake up in the hospital and discover that he's not Matthew McConaughey.

"I went to the toilet I went to look in the mirror, and I was shocked because I didn't look like him, I didn't know what I was looking at," the British man told London-based newspaper The Telegraph. "Then slowly over time it eventually clicked, and I thought, "He is an actor, what am I on about?"

Yeah, join the club, mate. We've all come to similarly depressing realizations in our lives. Though, maybe not quite so abruptly.

Woody Harrelson and a guy who is not Rory Curtis.

"At times, I was in the hospital thinking I can't wait to get out of here and back to filming movies," he said of his bizarre post-trauma experience. "I was convinced I was him and that I had his good looks as well — I know it was hopeful thinking, really."

It's worth noting that this all happened back in the summer of 2012, when McConaughey was just on the cusp of his comeback, with critically acclaimed roles in films like Killer Joe, Mud and Magic Mike. Had this happened a few years earlier—during McConaughey's Failure to Launch and Surfer, Dude days—discovering that you're just some regular English guy might have been a lot more pleasant.

I have to say, though, the weirdest aspect of this whole incident is that, in addition to thinking he was Matthew McConaughey, Curtis also woke up speaking conversational French, despite not having studied it since high school. That should have been a giveaway that he wasn't McConaughey. As we learned from his Lincoln ads, that guy barely speaks English.

Powers-wise, Superman is always a trump. Box-office-wise...I'm gonna go with Marvel.

Nerds have discussed the hypothetical consequences of the Marvel and DC Comics universes colliding since time immemorial, but this fan-made trailer for a crossover movie that will never, ever happen is the closest you can get to the real thing since that time the comics actually did cross over in the 90s. Of course, this trailer was inspired by a fan's love, as opposed to being a hasty attempt by two companies to cash in on the collectible comics bubble of the mid-90s, so I'm ready to declare that this video, "Marvel vs. DC Epic Trailer" is already better than "DC vs. Marvel," the four-part comic book series from April 1996. It's also already way more plausible, although I don't want to spoil anything for you.

"More plausible," you ask, "really?" Well, considering that the premise of the comics was that two brothers who somehow "embody" each respective universe challenge each other to a contest of their five best heroes, the outcome of which would be determined by fan write-in votes, the loser of which would have his entire universe cease to exist—yes, I think "oops, Dr. Doom's laser accidentally opened up a universal rift and now everyone's freaking out and fighting" is a much firmer ground on which to base a story. Frankly, it's better than a lot of the current movies, too.

This awesome fan epic comes to you from YouTuber Alex Luthor (or should I say, "a Lex Luthor"?!) who has been hard at work for a while now making fake superhero movies on his YouTube channel, but this is his magnum opus; his Avengers; his giant crossover epic that all his other works foreshadowed.

Sadly, the thing that makes it really implausible is not Marvel vs. DC, but everyone vs. Sony Pictures, who refuses to let Spider-Man play with anyone (they got the rights way back before Marvel started making good movies), even though both the Spider-Man franchise and other Marvel properties would benefit. That kind of managerial dumbness is a good example of how Sony managed to be the victim of an international attack and still lose everyone's sympathy. Let Spidey play!