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Charming toddler has two word answer for whether she loves Mommy or Santa more.

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Was definitely on the naughty list this year.

Merry Christmas! I hope your kids didn't answer any questions you asked them on Christmas this way—whether they're babies or teenagers or adults.

Might want to turn the volume down if you're watching near any of your own kids.

This would be an appropriate response if this little girl was finding out Santa isn't real. But whether she loves Mommy or Santa more is a perfectly reasonable question (obviously, the answer depends on who got her better gifts this year). Maybe she's just afraid to admit the truth to her dad.

Someday she'll see this video, realize Dad was the one who let her yell obscenities while running around the house, and love him most of all.


The thought that counts.

If the year 2014 had an online dating profile.

BEST OF 2014: Watch these three dudes in stiletto-heeled shoes dance to Beyoncé.

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Originally published: June 19, 2014


Triple threat.

I am not a man. I am a graceless, shambling mass of flabby tissue and fluid, and I should just hobble myself and get it over with. These gentlemen floating with elegance in razor sharp stiletto boots as they put to shame everyone who has ever dared to embarrass themselves on the dance floor at a wedding, these are men. The rest of us are monsters.


This clip from Yanis Marshall Choreography was apparently their last rehearsal before appearing on Britain's Got Talent's final live show. They'd better win if they're competing. Britain only has talent as long as these dudes are on its soil.

Kid who made good comes home and tells his parents he paid off their mortgage.

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See, parents? Sometimes kids who always play on their phones do good. (via reddit)

Joe Riquelme is the creator of the popular mobile app Videoshop, which lets people edit videos directly on their phone. As you can imagine, that's a pretty good app to have designed, since a lot of people shoot and share videos from their phone—enough people, anyway, that Joe was able to afford to come home this Christmas with a very awesome gift for the folks who raised him well. It's hard to say what the nicest part of this video is: his gift, their reaction, or the fact that they raised a kid who wanted to do that.

As a lot of people have pointed out, the nicest part may be how well they were getting along before he paid off their debt. That's some serious Xmas snuggling going on, there. Also, his dad's beard. That beard may be the most epic, if not the most inspiring part of this whole thing.


Cute 7-year-old boy catches Santa Claus on camera with help from his jolly uncle.

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Mom and Dad evidently need better home security.

7-year-old Evan wins for most magical Christmas morning of all.

Before he went to bed on Christmas Eve, his older brother helped him set up a camera to catch Santa in the act. In the morning, he was completely overwhelmed to see Santa Claus on video!

Videotaping Santa is the modern equivalent of lying in bed all night trying to hear Santa's reindeer on the roof. You'd just better hope your kids don't find out this is possible, or you'll be spending Christmas Eve like Evan's uncle, who only got two hours of sleep after all the taping and editing necessary to make his nephew's Christmas magical.

The look on Evan's innocent face is totally worth it, of course. Let's just hope by the time Evan finds out that Santa isn't real, he's old enough to appreciate his uncle sacrificed the greatest gift you can give an adult for Christmas: sleep.

Perfect present.

Dustin "Screech" Diamond was arrested for stabbing a guy during a bar fight.

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Taking a stab at crime.(via Twitter)

Those of you who've been hoping for a full Saved by the Bell reunion may have to wait another five to ten years, because Dustin "Screech" Diamond was arrested on Friday for allegedly stabbing a guy with a switchblade during a bar fight.

Diamond was in a Wisconsin bar with his girlfriend and became upset when another customer started taking his picture. You'd think a guy who staged his own sex tape scandal, wrote a tell-all book about his friends, and boxed Ron "Horshack" Palillo for money wouldn't be bothered by a little free publicity, but Diamond wasn't in the mood. A scuffle ensued, during which the amateur paparazzo was stabbed in the armpit.

Screech may be fan friendly, but Justin will cut you! It may be a "non-life threatening," half-inch deep cut that will make for a funny story later, but still, pretty unpleasant at the time.

TMZ obtained a (NSFW language!) video of the lead-up to the fight, where you can hear a woman say "Oh my God, he has a f*cking knife."


Diamond fled the scene, but was spotted pretty quickly by police, who found the knife in the SUV his girlfriend was driving. He was charged with recklessly endangering safety, carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct.


Here's how to open your New Years champagne with a .50 caliber rifle.

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Sláinte!

Hey everyone, let's all take special care to be safe out there this New Year's Eve. We don't need any unnecessary casualties in the first few minutes of 2015. That means no drinking and driving, no dabbling in designer street drugs, and most importantly, taking the time open our midnight champagne bottles properly.

You might not realize it—engaged as you'll be in the heady excitement of a fresh wall calendar—but those corks fly away at an alarming velocity. I'm no physicist, but I'm relatively certain one of those suckers will go right through your skull given the right trajectory.

So, be smart! Open your champagne from a safe distance by utilizing the percussive power of a .50 caliber heavy machine gun, as is demonstrated in the following helpful video:

This holiday message has been brought to you by The Ted Nugent Society for a Safer America.

This French Bulldog can't decide which kiddie pool full of plastic balls she wants to frolic in.

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"Dude, take it down a notch."

Decisions, decisions, decisions. Life is full of a thousand little this-or-thats that need to be decided upon on a hourly basis.

Are we going to eat this PB&J sandwich or that bowl of chicken noodle soup? Will we watch this documentary about the '70s-era country-pop group the Eagles or read that Argentinian story about people trapped for all time in an infinite library? Are we going to frolic joyously in this ball pit or frolic joyously in that ball pit?

That last example is the dilemma faced by the little French bulldog in the video below. Luckily for you, the decision for whether or not to watch it is, in fact, no decision at all:

Unfortunately, you are now faced with the decision of whether to watch this video again or send it to that one friend of yours who literally posts every video of French bulldogs she finds onto Facebook. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Foolproof plan.

A month after his dog died, this kid's family surprised him with a new puppy on Christmas morning.

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Hope that dog is okay with being smothered with loving tears for the next decade.

His brother claims that Billy, the Santa-hatted boy in the video, was devastated when their 17-year-old Yorkie died recently. Billy was told they'd have to wait until the summer to get a new dog, which was nothing but lies so that he could have the sweet surprise of a German Shepherd pup waiting for him in a box on Christmas morning.

Not sure, but I think he liked it.

Dad pranks daughter with literal Frozen doll.

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Do you want to build a snow pun?

Aww, and she even put on a princess costume for Christmas morning. Like many little girls in 2014, this kid's Christmas list only had one mandatory item: a Frozen doll. Maybe the effort of getting said Frozen doll drove dear old Dad a little nuts, because by the time he braved toy stores that I presume looked as insane as Jingle All The Way (and were probably even less fun than that movie) and actually got it home, he couldn't resist bringing a dad joke to life by actually freezing it in a block of ice. You can't really see the object inside, but I assume it is actually a doll of Elsa or the other one.

I assume that because you're only allowed to make a kid cry once per stupid joke—it's not funny if it turns out to be a Stretch Armstrong after the ice melts. Also, I'm pretty sure freezing Stretch Armstrong would ruin it. Hopefully this kid will eventually get the joke, or at least...*sigh*...let it go.


This dog loves opening presents on Christmas morning.

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The journey, not the destination.

Bennie the black lab really gets it, in the Tao Te Ching sense of the word "it." For him, the pleasure of opening a gift is the actual opening of the gift. What's underneath the wrapping is kind of immaterial to him, as you can see by the way he walks away from the gift as soon as its innate mystery has been revealed, without even stopping to see what it is. He clearly derives his satisfaction from a job well done, and not from its rewards.

Also, dogs effin' love tearing up paper for some reason:

Never forget.


A collection of the biggest hypocrites to ever post on Facebook.

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He talks the talk and walks the walk.(Via)

Don't hate the Facebook hypocrites, cherish them. They are the digital manifestation of the frailty of human resolve. Also, they're really entertaining. if people were able to stick to a cohesive belief system from status to status, Facebook would be so predictable and dull. Here are just a handful of Facebook hypocrites who go out of their way to keep us guessing.


Well, yeah. Why would you not post on FB if you can't tell people on FB about it?(Via)



That's one hell of a righter.(Via)



But that's just my opinion on the matter.(Via)



Jessica made it 7 hours. It was a good effort.(Via)



Living proof.(Via)


Updated 11/17/14:


Betting no one appreciated this.(Via)



Just let us know when you're off the road and we will. (Via)

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Thank you for providing the perfect example of one such "something."(Via)

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With this status it should be "who you three are."(Via)

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We're too many levels deep now.(Via)

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Updated 10/20/14:


Driving and texting is okay if you'll only kill yourself and other adults.(Via)

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Drop the charade, Jessica, and own it!(Via)

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Already hated him, then he doubled-down the loathing with "hard house. (Via)

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Sounds like someone got a job?(Via)

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(Via)

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Hypocritical about hypocrisy! It's hypocrisy inception! (Via)

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What about our idiots?(Via)

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Updated 9/15/14:

You know we can see you, right?(Via)

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Perhaps they aren't being sarcastic with the "yeah, sounds like it"?(Via)

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It's different when you do it to monitor your tanning progress.(Via)

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The medium is the message. (Via)

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Translation: I am childish.(Via)

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Make sure and live-tweet your electronics-free period.(Via)

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Updated 8/18/14:


This got "hella" real. (Via)

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Hey CoughCough, are you going to take that crap?!(Via)

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The anti-bullying movement had a good run.(Via)

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Her badassery fluctuates from day to day.(Via)

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May you never practice what you preach, Jordan, you ripped slab of sex.(Via)

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Updated 7/14/14:


And never complain about people complaining about people complaining on Facebook! (Via)


Some profile pics are a mirror into one's own soul. (Via)

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She said young girls. That pic on the right was posted after two long days of aging. (Via)

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Present company excluded? (Via)



Dan's not going to let you back out of this Adam. Happy 4th.(Via)

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But that movie is how Ashley feels. (Via)

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Slut-shaming, thy name is Corinne.(Via)

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Updated 6/17/14:


That's how people die you hypocritical animals!(Via)

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But when girls bitch about other girls bitching about other girls bitching... That's fine! (Via)

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Maybe they're being sincere? "I'm glad everyone behaves just like me. It's good to belong."(Via)

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"We only went in there to get directions away from there!" -The Simpsons(Via)

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Updated 5/20/14:


Come on. You gotta have one last party for the road. (Via)

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Fun fact, 95% of all status updates are posted near some form of toilet.(Via)

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You first. (Via)

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Can't I just attack others without being attacked for attacking others?(Via)

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Feeling whatever the opposite of self-aware is.(Via)

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You know, you can do the missionary position without actually converting people to Christ, duh!(Via)

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Posted 4/28/14:


Also, his mind, soul, and morals are useless. Those abs are all he's got!(Via)

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What a difference a day can make.
(via)

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Via mobile!

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Physician, heal thyself (of fucktardation)!

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These two will get to the bottom of this eventually.(Via)

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You forgot to tag some people.(Via)

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Willis who? Willis engaged in an internal battle for control of his moral center. (Via)

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Perhaps you would have meant more if you hadn't cheated?(Via)


Good to see you've cheered up...and lost all empathy.(Via)

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No, the purpose was for Zuckerberg to get back at a girl. Didn't you see The Social Network? (Via)

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You're going to hold him to something he said 25 whole minutes ago? Sheesh!(Via)

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Well, when two people love each other very much, they do what you did.(Via)

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But how else will Facebook know their review of the first 20 minutes of the movie? (Via)

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Baby steps.

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And they were bros forever and ever amen.
(Via)

(by Bob Powers)

Something else you might enjoy...

Fighting back.

Christina Aguilera called Mickey Mouse an "a**hole" at Disneyland because he wouldn't take a picture with her.

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Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me? A-S-S! H-O-L! M-O-U-S-E!
(via Instagram)

Former Mickey Mouse Club member Christina Aguilera decided to ring in her 34th year of existence by celebrating at her alma mater, Disneyland, but threw a Daffy Duck sized tantrum when Mickey Mouse refused to take a picture with her.

The picture above is from Xtina's Instagram where she reported that she had a "Fun birthday celebration at the happiest place on earth #disneyland," butTMZ reports another story. Apparently, the college student who fits the Mickey Mouse costume at Disney's California adventure told Aguilera that she would have to wait for her pic because he was just about to go on break. That's when she let her genie out of the bottle.

According to the theme park source dishing to TMZ, security had to be brought in after Christina "lost it, and called Mickey an "asshole," and that, "she even dropped the dreaded, 'Do you know who I am?'"

It must be so hard to work as a Mickey Mouse Club child sex icon on and not even have Mouse remember you. What is life even about when when the people who help you on your way up don't even know who you are.

After coming under the attack of the singer's verbal abuse and threats, security was called and Mickey had to be "ushered to a safe zone," where they probably keep the secrets of everyone who has ever died on one of their rides and Walt's cryogenically frozen dome.

Christina left the park before she could be thrown out, much like how I assume she escaped from Cowboy's stadium after screwing up the National Anthem at the Superbowl.


Precious moments.

End this.

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