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89-year-old dad gets taken out for ice cream, which reminds him of a very dirty joke.

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I shudder to think of the jokes he tells when he gets chocolate.

Although all good jokes should be funny on their own, we all know that many jokes become much funnier when told by certain people. For example, all dirty jokes become ten to twenty times funnier when told by really old people. Maybe it's because we don't expect old people to have raunchy senses of humor (despite overwhelming evidence that they were once randy youngsters), or maybe because we imagine them first learning the joke in a more innocent time. For example, I always imagine all old people learned their jokes in Rick's Cafe from Casablanca. In any case, YouTuber Geoff Fox took his 89-year-old dad out for ice cream, prompting Mr. Fox to regale the Internet with this classic dirty old man joke.

You can tell it's an old joke because the problem with the car involved actual mechanical parts and the mechanic didn't turn the penguin away by saying, "oh, I'm sorry, only a licensed computer scientist for this car company can diagnose your problem," a phrase which does not lend itself to double entendre.


This incredibly guilty dog does not want her owner finding out she chewed up her bed.

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A dog and a rat.

YouTuber C.J. Huffman might be a sadist. That would explain the amount of joy he seems to get from tormenting his roommate's Border Collie over how much trouble she's going to be in when her owner, his roommate, gets home. She chewed up her new bed and he's telling on her. Even though the dog clearly feels bad about what went down. She tries nuzzling, snuggling, and face-licking, but none of it works on Huffman, who seems to have his black heart set on turning her in for what she did.

After listening to their lengthy, one-sided heart to heart, I wonder if part of the problem could stem from him speaking to the dog in complete sentences. Border Collie's are smart, but she's still a dog, not a teenage boy. Though, the way she reacts makes it seem like this isn't the first talk like this they've had. Even though she probably deserves whatever punishment she's in for, I like to think that Huffman eventually caved and did the right thing, by letting his little friend off the hook and quietly replacing the bed before his roommate got home.

A woman wrapped up proof her boyfriend was cheating and gave it to him for Xmas. The Internet rejoiced.

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"Hey, just what I asked for! Affairs with other women! Thanks, honey!"
(via Twitter)

I don't know much about Cassy, who goes by @NessLovnTrey247 on Twitter, but I do know that one should not cheat on her, for she finds out everything.

Sadly, this lesson was lost on her boyfriend "Almighty," aka @Bugatti_Boi_, who apparently used Twitter as his platform not only to express himself but also to send direct messages (DMs) to women he was romantically involved with, despite the fact that they were not Cassy.


Now that's a paper trail. I don't condone cheating, but I do support proper history clearing.
(via Twitter)

Cassy found out about this because she's Cassy, and also because Bugatti Boi probably left himself logged in.


If she really wanted to be cruel, she'd also post an image of the gift he didn't get.
(via Twitter)

She proceeded to print out the DMs and text messages from his phone, wrap them up as a Christmas present, and filmed his reaction.


I'm emoticonfused as to whether I should be laughing or crying.
(via Twitter)

As of press time, Cassy's video has not been released, so this still is apparently our only proof of that Christmas morning moment.


This image is so much better now that I know the whole story.

(via Twitter)

It seems like this did really happen, though, because @Bugatti_Boi_ not only admitted to the affair, but was apparently unhappy at not being properly credited on Twitter.


(via Twitter)

After all, with 13,000 retweets, that would have been a great opportunity for him to meet women.

Middle school teacher adds to every doodle that students made on their papers.

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Nobelium, no doubt. (via Imgur)

If you're the kind of student who doodles in class, you could grow up to be that kind of teacher.

Redditor Squeezymo used to be a science teacher for 8th and 9th grade students in Thailand, and every time he* saw a doodle on his student's papers, he added to it.

"This was a way for me to engage with the students in a playful way without it being disruptive to the actual lesson. At the very least, it helped me get through the boring-ass grading process," Squeezymo explains in comments section.

"Telling a bunch of kids they shouldn't draw is like telling a bunch of Kevin Bacons they shouldn't dance."


Dine and dash. (via Imgur)

"At the beginning, most of them drew because they were bored, or waiting for a test to be finished. After they realized what I was doing, they started drawing more, and requesting me to add stuff."

When a third grade teacher commented that if she* added to her student's drawings, they would cry, Squeezymo said, "Don't let children's tears stop you from anything you want to accomplish."


Death pokes a shoulder. (via Imgur)



Mannequin's best friend. (via Imgur)



I've never met a normal Perry. (via Imgur)



Artistic integrity is for "A" students only. (via Imgur)



This one is a "shocker." (via Imgur)



I should have gotten a mouth on top of my head. (via Imgur)


These are just a few of the bunch Squeezymo did during his tenure as an educator. Go here for the complete set.

*It is almost impossible to tell a person's gender from based on their reddit username. For the sake of grammar, I picked genders at random, and I'll continue to do so until the English language can accommodate genderless usernames.

Get ready for the NFL playoffs with this video of a drunk, twerking Falcons fan.

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Southern comfort.

As long as there are professional sports franchises in Philly, Boston, New York and Oakland, the odds of Atlanta snagging a top three spot on the worst fans in sports list is still a long shot. But if they gave out game balls (deflated, scuffed and soaked in beer) for the worst football fan of the weekend, this drunk, twerking, karate kicking, foul-mouthed Falcons fan would've taken it home and puked on it.

The clip starts out with her twerking to U2's "Desire"—which should be enough to get you kicked out of any game—while her bird-flipping boyfriend tries to instigate a fight with a couple of Panthers fans who had the nerve to wear the jersey of a team in the process of blowing out his by 31 points. And they were just getting warmed up.

Let's go to the videotape!

To the thousands of other wasted contenders who punched, peed and passed out in the stands on Sunday, as the saying goes: pics or it didn't happen. This lovely blonde bird not only delivered the awful fan goods, she's got the game film to back it up.

And if you're an NFL fan who hasn't been to game in a while, bookmark this video to remind yourself what kind of people you could be spending hundreds of bucks to hang with.

Gross gain.

A mom covered up boobs on TV with a towel so her adult son couldn't see, and now she's gone viral.

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There must be an app that can hold that towel for you. (via)

Redditor DantesInfernape was watching The Master with his mom, and she kept getting up to cover the naked boobs that appeared onscreen with a towel. This struck DantesInfernape as particularly funny because he is a) 22 years old and b) gay.

His mom knows he's gay and she's cool with it, but she never got over "the uncomfortability [sic] of seeing nudity with her children," he wrote on reddit. Reddit fell in love with this overprotective mom and set up about making her cover up all kinds of inappropriate things.

DantesInfernape thinks it's awesome that his mom is now a meme, and promises to show her every single one of the images below. You can see more of people's creations over at r/photoshopbattles.


You will not break the Internet in my house, young lady. (via)



Censorship comes in many forms. (via)



From sea level, it's hard to cover all the boobs on the beach at once. (via)



No child of hers should see what brutal martial law looks like. (via)



No one needs to see that, Marilyn. (via)



No nipples are free when towel mom is around. (via)



Now there's someone her son might actually want to see naked. Move, Ma! (via)

And of course, who better to cover up her own ass than towel mom?


Keeping the view wholesome. (via)

The 43 most important and essential Facebook posts of 2014.

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1.

Let this Ice Bucket Challenge participant represent his billion-strong brethren.

While the news was reliably terrible in 2014, Facebook was a safe space, a place where #Ferguson headlines were washed away in the flood of Ice Bucket Challenge videos (here are 17 good ones by the way!). We ran to Facebook to ignore the tragic reality of the world and instead focus on the overshares, frailties, and obsessions of our digital "friends."

There was a wide variety of Facebook-tainment this year, and we did our best to collect it all. So let's raise a glass to all the most jaw-dropping and genuinely hilarious posts that made Facebook the place to get away from it all in 2014. A toast....

Here's to the drama queens...

2.


(Via)

3.


(Via)

4.


(Via)

5.


(Via)


Here's to everyone who never let a Facebook photo comments section go to waste....

6.


(Via)

7.


(Via)

8.


(Via)

9.


(Via)


Here's to the shameless, endlessly entertaining hypocrites...

10.


(Via)

11.


(Via)


Here's to the hopeless (and clueless) romantics...

12.


(Via)

13.


(Via)

14.


(Via)


15.


(Via)


Here's to the people who think there's never a wrong time to post to Facebook...

16.


(Via)

17.


(Via)

18.


19.


(Via)

20.


(Via)


Here's to all the folks who still can't remember to log out...

21.


(Via)

22.


(Via)

23.


(Via)


Here's to everyone who didn't check the background of their photos before sharing them...

24.


(Via)

25.


(Via)

26.


(Via)

27.


(Via)


Here's to everyone who don't realize "the right to remain silent" also applies to their status updates...

28.


(Via)

29.


(Via)


Here's to the people who used Facebook to rat out scumbags to their mothers...

30.

(Via)


Here's to the folks who used their own weird bodies to send their Facebook friends into a world of horror...

31.



(via Craig Baldo/Facebook)

To the spoiled rich kids trying to inspire a class war with their braggy posts...

32.


(Via)


And to the parents who know how to set their kids straight...

33.


(Via)

34.


(Via)

35.


(Via)

And to the parents who went kind of overboard in their Frozen frenzy...

36.


(Via)


Here's to the hostel guests and hostel owners having public blowups for us all to watch...

37.




Here's to all those grandparents who accidentally tagged Grandmaster Flash when writing "Grandma" in their status updates...

38.


(Via)

39.


(Via)

40.


(Via)


Here's to the couples who are making us sick with so much status update PDA...

41.


(Via

42.


(Via)


And here's to this guy, whose Facebook #SayThanks video for his ex showed the true meaning of heartbreak...

43.

And most of all, here's to you. Happy New Year!
Let's flood our timelines with more ridiculous crap in 2015!


Prioritizing well.

Champagne

Henri the existential cat shares his thoughts on dogs.

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The bigger insult is that Henri has to put up with this beast in his home.

Henri "Le Chat Noir" is back, and this time his sensibilities are offended by the new dog his human has brought home. And what an offender the dog is: a drooling, treat-demanding fool. How could Henri—so contemplative, so morose, so French—ever get along with a creature that gets...excited?

Fitbit

Wild little kid ransacks a dollar store, everyone is too shocked to stop him.

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The Sharks vs the Jits.

What's happening here, according to the man behind the vertical camera, is "Boy, we got a jit going ham inside the dollar store."

According to Urban Dictionary, "the term jit is originally prison slang. It just means somebody younger than you. However, it is most often used to refer to young thugs/wannabe thugs or other punky kids."

Soon, the definition will be, "kid who ransacks a dollar store for no apparent reason other than angered disdain for its offensive orderliness and low prices."

For minutes, our cameraman follows his jit in bewildered amusement, making no attempt to stop him.

Even as we hear a woman warn that he isn't "going nowhere till the police come," he spends that extra time pulling candy off a display until he realizes it is just easier to knock down the entire display.

Why?

"Jit need to tear up shit."

This kid is my hero.

This Great Dane is never going to fit into his tiny bed, but not for lack of trying.

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The struggle is real. And futile.

Watching this Great Dane attempt to squeeze his giant body into a tiny bed is really cute. Unless that's his actual bed and this is a daily struggle for him. That would be incredibly sad. It's probably just an old bed of his that he outgrew by the time he was six weeks old. It's like he's performing a dog version of Chris Farley's Fat Guy in a Little Coat routine. What makes it even funnier is imagining the family cat, just down the hall, snoozing blissfully in the middle of this poor guy's king-sized bed.

Nothing new.


Justin Bieber took to some stairs in NYC to work on his skateboarding and wiping out skills.

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No haters while the man is trying to concentrate, please.

Justin Bieber was captured on video doing some sweet tricks on his skateboard (I can't be bothered to look up the skateboarding lingo—did he hook an olly? Did he ally an oop?) near Madison Square Garden in New York City this weekend.

In what may have been the greatest performance of his career, Bieber showed some real determination to get down the stairs in one big jump (Which is called...flipping a wheelie? Tricking a barfer?). Even when he wiped out, Bieber just shook it off and got back on his board.

Sometimes we forget that he's just a kid, but then he eggs a house or goes out skateboarding or gets a DUI, and we remember. The good news is: maybe the YouTube video of his awesome performance will go viral and he'll start a new career as a skateboarder—that's a much less visible world than pop star.

Message received.

Try your best.

Play-Doh gave a bunch of children their very first dildo for Christmas.

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The "Frosting Extruder," new from Play-Dil-Doh! (via KTUL)

Head on over to Play-Doh's Facebook page and you can watch tons of comments disappear as their social media team earns their paycheck today.

According to Uproxx, Play-Doh all but ignored complaints in November that their "frosting extruder" for Play-Doh's Cake Mountain looks like a veiny donk. In this KTUL report, Play-Doh said they made a "replacement part" that parents could trade in for, and that they would update the product, but apparently plenty of kids still received the toy as originally erected.

Now that untold thousands of children opened up their Cake Mountain with a forward by Herman Schlongfellow, parents are complaining on the Book of Face, and whoever is responsible for wiping up this mess is getting boned.

Here are a couple I found 30 seconds ago that are now gone:


Maybe you shouldn't assume your 6 yr old will recognize dicks.



P.S. please send me all the extra frosting extruders, thanks.

This lady's failed attempts to line up her fuel tank with the gas pump are mind-boggling.

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She lucky there's no three strikes rule in gas pumping.

If filling up a car's gas tank was a requirement in order to pass your driver's license test, it's a safe bet that this woman would be riding the bus. Most likely headed in the wrong direction.

We've all pulled up to the wrong side of the gas pump before. Some of us may have even turned the car around and almost—almost!—pulled up with the gas cap still on the opposite side of the pump. So watching this woman fail over and over is baffling. It's possible that it's early and she hasn't had her morning coffee, because it's not hard to imagine her dumping a full cup into the garbage can, then walking out of Starbuck's sipping a shaker full of cocoa powder.

This video is a great reminder to be careful on the roads, because they're full of drivers who have no business being behind the wheel of a car. It's also a reminder that there are cameras everywhere, and if you happen to pull a boneheaded move in public, there's a really good chance a video of it will wind up on YouTube set to "funny" music.

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