Joke's on you.
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Here's a sneak peek of the next thirty years of "Taken" movies.
Get out of this franchise while you still can.
Even though the promotional poster for Taken 3 promises "It Ends Here," we have our doubts. Does it actually end here or is "Okay, but it ends here" just what Liam Neeson said when he signed on?
If the film has any amount of success, we're likely to be held hostage by dozens more Taken films before the producers relent. Here's what sketch comedy group Pocketwatch thinks that will look like:
I dunno. I'd watch most of those.
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This man sold a raffle ticket to another guy, then watched the guy win an expensive car minutes later.
"Thanks for the car, dude!"
"It never ends!" Is what must be going through the mind of the guy in this video who sold his raffle ticket for $200, only minutes before it turned into a Shelby GT500 worth considerably more. That's because the transaction happened back in 2010 at Quakecon, and he's probably spent the last four years trying to forget it. Unfortunately, the video of his epic blunder has just now gone viral. Sorry, buddy.
Quakecon is a gaming convention that takes place annually in Dallas. Every year they have a raffle, and in 2010 the prize was the Shelby muscle car worth nearly $50,000. Normally, the odds of winning any raffle are pretty low, because there are usually thousands of tickets sold. But at this event, only 100 tickets were awarded to individuals for winning various tournaments. So the guy in the baseball hat selling his ticket right before the drawing must have been feeling especially unlucky that day. Turns out, his hunch was correct. Because, as you'll see, Lady Luck hauled off and kicked him square in the nuts.
All things considered, the guy handled the loss pretty well. Even though he probably hopped onstage afterwards hoping the dude in the red t-shirt was so unhappy with the color of the car, or the thought of taxes, or something—anything!—that he'd somehow change his mind and want his $200 back. No such luck. The raffle loser did get a big hug for being a good sport. And $200 buys a lot of drinks, which no doubt came in really handy at the nearest bar that night.
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What a trip.
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This might be the single greatest accidental photobomb ever.
That wasn't one of the specials, kiddo. (Via)
The photobomb is so pervasive online, there should be a separate Internet set aside just for their viewing. They come in all varieties, but they are not all alike. There's the low-level, intentional "I'm gonna eff up your pic with my dumb face" photobomb. There's the dichotomous photobomb, where the foreground and background are at direct odds with each other, but this usually involves little more than someone in the background happily living life who just happens to not fit into the intended foreground pose.
Then, occasionally, there's something magical. A photo that captures a moment in the background that might have been lost forever had the people in the foreground not demanded their own smiley mugs be recorded for posterity. This sort of photobomb is what shatters our self-imposed boundaries, sending us journeying outside of our own narcissism to the outer ends of life's rich tapestry, where it just so happens some little kid just applied a death grip to a busy waiter's balls.
This photobomb is life. It's happening, and it's glorious.
Related: People who really should have checked the background of their photos before posting them online.
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The "Screech Stabbed A Guy Over The Holidays" trial of the century is set to commence.
You can't say he's ever gotten less charming.
If you're a well-balanced person who spent the holidays getting away from the 24/7 news cycle and spent some quality time with friends, family and yourself, you may be forgiven for not having heard about the fact that Saved By The Bell's Screech, a.k.a. Dustin Diamond, a.k.a. Screech from the sex tape Screeched:Saved By The Smell went to a bar on Dec. 26 and stabbed a guy in the armpit with a switchblade for taking pictures of Diamond with his fiancée. When police later found the switchblade in his fiancée's car (after they fled the scene), Diamond insisted that he had stabbed him accidentally while "tussling" to defend his fiancée.
Dustin and his fiancée in court on Monday.(via Getty Images)
I'll give you a moment to read that paragraph again and to accept that this is, indeed, the universe you live in. Yes, Screech is engaged.
Now that you've caught up, get ready for the really fun part: he's going to trial.
Diamond showed up on Dec. 29 to court in Port Washington, Wisconsin, where he lives with his blue-haired paramour (who was also charged that night, but with disorderly conduct), and posted $10,000 bail. You might assume that this would be the end of the mega-star's court troubles, but shockingly, a judge decided last night that Diamond would have to stand trial like a regular citizen who had inserted two inches of metal into another person.
Screech is charged with 2nd-degree reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct, and carrying a concealed weapon. Am I crazy, or is "stabbing" not on that list?
In any case, we'll keep you updated. Unless, that is, Screech can be rescued by some sort of noise that would cause the whole courtroom to empty out and go home.
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Sickest Day.
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Big help.
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Healthy work ethic.
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Save yourself a week and watch every episode of season 1 of "Friends" simultaneously.
I guess that no one told you life was existing at all times simultaneously, well I guess Stephen Hawking tried to tell you but you were too busy watching Friends.
(via Getty Images)
Now that the entire series of Friends has been re-birthed on Netflix, you are filled with the desire to write a startling think-piece about how the series featured a struggling generation X, yet ironically foreshadowed the millennial generation's trend of living in expensive NYC apartments without being gainfully employed. Unfortunately, it will take roughly 92 hours to get through the whole series and who has time for that when you are a busy Gen X-er with a real job?
One person who is either genius or psychopath has solved this issue by creating what I am calling Quantum Friends. YouTube's Benjamin Roberts has synced every episode of of Friends season one so that you can experience them simultaneously.
Rejoice as sometimes the show starts with the theme song (clap, clap, clap, clap), while concurrently watching a cold open! Skip ahead to find that at about 9 minutes and 40 seconds in, the show almost almost always features Ross or Chandler getting big laughs in Central Perk! Keep watching and trip out on the psychedelic experience of all of time existing at once, just like it really is, say some seamstresses who think time and space is a fabric. Laugh! Laugh as you remember how all of the episodes start with "The one where..." which is a subtle metaphor for the oneness of the universe!
Friends is so deep and I'll never be a Ross fan!!!!
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The purge.
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Getting better.
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Got the fever.
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Belty is the smart belt that tells you when you're getting fat.
Like a spouse who holds up your pants.
There's a reason you're in such horrible shape. It's not genetics, or laziness, or a lack of understanding of the cumulative effects of too much pizza and too little exercise.
It's that you don't yet have a Belty.
The Belty is a motorized smart belt that sends you a message when you're getting wider around the middle. As my coworker wisely points out, regular belts can also tell you this. But the Belty sends you a literal message, to your smartphone, and since it syncs to your smartphone it is better than your regular belt. Your regular belt is the rotary phone of waist accessories.
Among its many helpful features, the Belty expands when you sit down to make more space for your girth and tightens when you stand up, so your pants don't fall down. It vibrates when you've been sitting for too long to encourage you to stand up, and also because it knows it makes you laugh when your belly fat jiggles. The connected app on your smartphone lets you know if your waist is getting bigger or smaller over time.
The Belty made its debut at the International Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this week. Though it's still in the prototype phase, it seems only a matter of time before your friends all have a Fitbit to monitor their steps, a Belty to monitor their waistlines, a Neckiciser to keep their necks svelte, and a CankleDestroyer to continuously let them know their ankles look bad (nothing you can do about that one).
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A stoner filmed a grasshopper being snatched by a bird, and had his mind blown, man.
Grasshopper, about to have his day ruined.
To fully appreciate this video of a grasshopper getting snatched out of the sky by a bird, you should be baked out of your gourd. That certainly enhanced the experience for the stoner who filmed it. It also helps to imagine that he's Otto the school bus driver on The Simpsons.
According to the YouTube description, the guy was on a break from smoking weed to take out the recyclables, when he noticed a "huge" grasshopper. The grasshopper doesn't even look that big. But to a guy who spent the morning—and most likely every morning for the past twenty years—doing bong hits, the bug probably looked bigger and scarier than the thought of having to quit weed for a month to land a job.
The guy makes a pretty common occurrence in nature sound so compelling that he ought to have his own show on the Discovery Channel, called High Life, or Baked Alaska, or Yellowstoned. You get the idea. Hell, as entertaining as this guy is, a network might have a minor hit with Stoner Takes Out His Recyclables.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 6, 2015
1. CNN To Play Out Modern Civilization With Classy-Sounding Brass Band
A former intern for CNN recently released a video that the cable news network's owner Ted Turner had created for the express purpose of playing it when the end of the world as we know it happens. The one-minute-long video features a brass band playing a moving version of the spiritual "Nearer My God To Thee." This will presumably be the last piece of real civilized culture many humans will get to experience before donning studded jock straps and chasing each other across desert wastelands and fighting over caches of sweet, sweet gasoline.
If the world ended today, a hologram of Anderson & Wolf would make out on CNN as "It's The End Of The World" played. http://t.co/SBnKppG7Nk
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) January 5, 2015
2. Aging Spinster Cameron Diaz Finally Finds Person Willing To Marry Her
Cameron Diaz—co-star of 2014's Annie and Sex Tape—was reportedly wed to Benji Maddon of the rock band Good Charlotte in a Jewish wedding ceremony held inside the actress' Beverly Hills home. The two performers were by all accounts acting of their own volition and neither appear to have been in thrall to powerful hypnotists or outside forces, so congratulations to them!
Look, I realize that Cameron Diaz is terrible in the Annie movie, but making her marry the Good Charlotte guy seems cruel and unusual.
— John Ross Bowie (@JohnRossBowie) January 5, 2015
3. HBO Invites Game Of Thrones Fans To Spend A Bunch Of Money To Watch Some Episodes They've Already Seen
The final two episodes of this past season of HBO's Game of Thrones will get a limited IMAX theatrical release at the end of this month. In case the idea of spending $20 and waiting in a long line to see some things you've already seen doesn't entice you, they will be screened along with a short trailer for the upcoming season which will probably be on the Internet before the two episodes are over.
Game of Thrones now has 3 characters who are castrated eunuchs; a casting feat matched only by the modern Democratic Party.
— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) November 4, 2014
4. New Pill Will Trick Your Body Into Being Less Disgustingly Fat
Scientists are currently testing a new drug called fexaramine which may curb weight issues by tricking your body into thinking it's not hungry, so that you are not compelled to eat a meal that you probably don't need. That way you can skip all the empty nutrition and get right to the delicious dessert.
The fastest way to lose weight is to stand over a cutting board with a square of cheese & keep eating pieces, right? I thought so, thanks!!!
— Matt_Dwyer (@Matt_Dwyer) November 26, 2014
5. After 25 Years, The Simpsons Finally Takes A Chance On A Young Writer Named Judd Apatow
A quarter-decade after receiving a spec script from 22-year-old future comedy mogul Judd Apatow, the producers of Fox's long-running animated series The Simpsonshave finally decided to use it. The episode—which is probably just a thinly veiled exercise in autobiography peppered with a handful of penis jokes—will air this Sunday.
when I have kids they will be raised PROPERLY. (they'll only be allowed to watch seasons 1 through 10 of the Simpsons)
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) December 26, 2014
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Kiss cam exposes couple fighting on the mega-screen.
How can you fight when the score is tied at 69?
I love a good couple fight. They hate each other, but they're still together. They are trapped in a hell of their own making and you get to enjoy their misery from the outside with judgmental glee.
The operator of the Kiss Cam at the United Center during a Bulls/Celtics game must agree, because of all the couples watching a bunch of pituitary cases run an orange ball up and down a court, the kiss-cammer chose these angry love vultures.
That, or the Bulls set this fight up, because within seconds of the girl getting angry that the guy is on the phone during their one moment of romantic fame, Bulls mascot "Benny the Bull" pulls up quick to get with her.
Staged? Do basketball audiences in Chicago hate watching happy couples in love as much as I do?
The video was posted by a gullible Russian who comments on the activity with the (translated) description, "If someone does not know, when a couple is shown on kiss cam screen for the whole stadium, they should kiss."
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Patient zero.
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The Girl Scouts unveiled 3 new cookie flavors yesterday.
It's gluten-free, which means you can eat like 600 of them, no problem. (via)
Girl Scout Cookie season is almost upon us again, with the annual sales weekend only a month and a half away. We already knew that this will be the first year that cookies will be easier to buy online (so you can take down that sign in your yard telling the Girl Scouts not to forget your door—which is a creepy sign, by the way), but 2015 is a big deal in the history of the storied cookie legacy for another reason: they're adding three new flavors, including the first two gluten-free options.
This cookie ate three other cookies and absorbed their powers. (via)
What are these fantastical new concoctions our nation's brown-sashed legion of badge-earning young women have cooked up to finance themselves? First up, we have our two gluten-free offerings; Toffee-tastic, which are "buttery cookies with toffee bits," and Trios, which are "made with real peanut butter, chocolate chips, and whole grain oats." Those already sound pretty radical, so be prepared for the chock-full-of-gluten badassery of their third cookie, Rah-Rah Raisin, "an oatmeal raisin cookie with whole grain oats, plump, juicy raisins, and Greek yogurt–flavored chunks." In other words, it's a cookie with a badge in karate-chopping the munchies.
And according to its sash, this cookie can play Kumbaya on the sitar. (via)
The National Girl Scout Cookie Weekend this year officially runs from February 27 to March 1, and that means that these three brand new flavors will soon find homes nationwide about five minutes after Thin Mints sell out on February 28.
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Thousands of people around the world are using photos of their dogs to help a teen battling cancer.
The healing power of paws. (Facebook)
16-year-old Anthony Lyons is battling acute lymphoblastic leukemia, and currently receiving treatment at Phoenix Children's Hospital. A bright spot in his days is visits from therapy dogs.
"It really helps, the pet therapy," Anthony told Fox 10 Phoenix. "Like I can be in here having a really bad day and then one of the dogs will show up and it will be the highlight of the day."
But since dogs can't visit all the time, a family friend set up a Facebook page called Photos of Doggies for Anthony. The page quickly went viral, with over 300,000 people from around the world posting photos of their cute, funny, and cuddly pups.
(all photos via Facebook)
Anthony told Fox 10 that his mom shows him all the photos, but "The special ones are the funniest ones."
Unfortunately, the original page was taken down because some jerk apparently posted a photo of a roasted dead dog. Supporters of Anthony quickly rallied to create new pages where people can share photos, the largest of which seems to be this one.
We hope the potent combination of the best Western medicine has to offer and tons of dog photos helps Anthony get well soon.
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