2015 may be less than a week old, but it's already hemorrhaging hot trends, fashions, memes, and cultural stuff as violently as a ripe old year (2013, maybe, or 2010). There's so much hot stuff happening, you could practically fill a whole column with it, if you really had to! So for those who've spent the year so far under a rock, I'm sorry that's where your life is at. Here are biggest trends of 2015 ever:

Cops

We're used to them coming at us head-on, nostrils flared, but in 2015, that's changing fast. Since they've started turning their backs on mayors en masse, look for cops trying out a lot of new angles on the average citizen: sidewaysed, diagonalish, even upsie-downs, walking on their cop hands with everything falling out of their belts! Now that law enforcement's broken free from the same old drab spatial orientation, anything goes on these streets!

Cuba Mania

Now that Obama's normalized American relations with Cuba, Cuban culture is flowing freely into the states and fast infecting America's youth! All over, Cuba-crazed teens are refurbishing classic Plymouths, bumping Buena Vista Social Club from their Beats Pills, wearing twice as many Che shirts at a time, and redoubling their commitment to public literacy programs. Don't be surprised when arroz con pollo and ropa vieja show up on the McDonald's Dollar Menu, and if you are surprised, what the fuck? I just told you about that.

Channel Surfing

Streaming video is so unforgivably 2014. The fresh ass in that vaunted throne belongs to channel surfing, or "churfing" - not to actually find something to watch, but as a nostalgic throwback to the era where the only thing "on demand" was Mom's famous sixty-cent microwaved nacho-dillas. Trendsetters everywhere are bashing their AppleTVs with jagged rocks and futzing with dented old rabbit ears, churfing the night away, inane images flickering across their deadened eyes.

The Hunger Games

Folks still love those Hunger Games. Can't get enough of those Hunger Games. Katniss, Peeta, you name it, they love it. Is it the only thing they can love anymore? They're worried that's the case!

Custom FitBits

2014 introduced these snappy little fitness bands to the public, but 2015's already all about hacking, modding, and DIYing them. Enthusiasts are rejiggering their 'Bits to track how much blood they have, dispense treats for reaching step goals, and vibrate in the presence of ghosts (a feature built into the firmware but hidden in the code). All this is illegal under Fitness Law, so expect a lot of public executions.

Employment

Say goodbye, in 2015, to the archaic concept of the "full-time job." In 2015, it's way more "in" to string together dozens of low-paying gigs, completed haphazardly and half-heartedly, in a state of constant panic, for the ultimate benefit of large corporate conglomerates and their ad agencies and the degradation of privacy, imagination, truth, and public discourse. But like, no big deal or nothing.

Comedy

2015's buzziest new webseries is "Keep It Together, Annie!" about a fresh-faced 20-something improv comedian's (mis)adventures as she rides the struggle bus towards laughter and love in the big city. If you liked Obvious Child except for the jokes and the abortion part, check out "Keep It Together, Annie!"

Pregnancy Pacts

They're back in a big way! While mid-aught pregnancy pacts featured one, maybe two babies per participant, the PP's of 2015 are massive and sprawling, because of social media or some shit. Come August, thousands of girls in flyover states will be giving birth to tens of thousands of screaming babies, in a synchronized spawning that leading experts in whatever field this is believe will eventually choke the Mississippi delta with placenta. Save our wetlands!

Jeb

By every indication, we're gonna be talking about Jeb Bush all year. 2015 is already being called "The Year of Jeb," "Jeb's Time To Shine," and "Two Thousand Jebteen: A Jeb Odyssey." Thanks to all this buzz, by 2016, trendwatchers predict Jeb will grow twice as large and split his skin.

Birding

I got up before daybreak on New Years Day to go birding with my uncle, and even though I wasn't expecting to, I enjoyed myself. We drank hot black coffee from a tartan Thermos, and I saw a pine warbler. Birding will be huge in 2015.

Boys are dumb.

What better way to find out that you blew your chance to date a woman so beautiful that even her grotesque Australian pronunciation of the word "no" can't ruin her beauty, than to do so on your own television show?

Last night, Nicole Kidman wore a corrugated radiator hose on TheTonight Show and let Jimmy know that, once upon a time, he totally blew it. He was on SNL (he thinks, who can remember what TV show you were working on when you were just beginning to become famous?) and she was working on Bewitched, and she had their mutual friend Rick set them up for a date at his apartment. Only... Jimmy didn't know he was on a date.

He thought he was going to talk to her about being in the movie, so he bought brie cheese and treated her to a few mumbles and a video game.

As Kidman tells a mortified Fallon to his hands covered face, "After about an hour and a half I thought 'he has no interest, this is so embarrassing,' and then after I left I went, 'OK, no chemistry. Maybe he's gay.'"

You can't blame her for being suspicious, given her marriage history.

Now, of course, it doesn't matter. They are both married. Jimmy, to his wife, and Nicole, to Keith Urban, whom Nicole suspects Jimmy likes a little more than she does.

#CharlieHebdo : l'hommage de notre dessinateur Nono pic.twitter.com/CmTm41U1QH
— Le Télégramme (@LeTelegramme) January 7, 2015

This morning in Paris, three gunmen entered the offices of the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo and starting firing. Among the 12 people killed in the terrorist attack were four of the magazine's cartoonists, including the editor of the paper.

Previously, in November 2011, the offices had been firebombed after publishing a caricature of the Prophet Muhammad, and the decades-old magazine was known for its provocative criticisms of Islamic extremism.

Many cartoonists around the world have offered their condolences and expressed their sadness and anger in the best way they know how.

Please, RT! #CharlieHebdo attack has another victim! Via @MiddleEastMnt#ParisShootingpic.twitter.com/PNesB88POL
— Carlos Latuff (@LatuffCartoons) January 7, 2015

#CharlieHebdopic.twitter.com/GNh2ZAEArf
— Tommy dessine (@Tommydessine) January 7, 2015

Translation: "Oh no, not them."

Charlie Hebdo. Nooit opzij. pic.twitter.com/MJwGKPQ8jU
— Joep Bertrams (@joepbertrams) January 7, 2015

#CharlieHebdopic.twitter.com/15O4YC2KWg
— Ruben L. Oppenheimer (@RLOppenheimer) January 7, 2015

Can't sleep tonight, thoughts with my French cartooning colleagues, their families and loved ones #CharlieHebdopic.twitter.com/LqIMRCHPgK
— David Pope (@davpope) January 7, 2015

Atentado a Charlie Hebdo.http://t.co/TBlz9pBuI7pic.twitter.com/3UrweOEYK0
— Bernardo Erlich (@berlich) January 7, 2015

Translation: "The world has become so serious that humor is a risky profession."

(via Rafael Mantesso on Instagram)

Here's The @Independent cartoonist's response to the #CharlieHebdo attack: pic.twitter.com/4H4VWDS4qN

— amol rajan (@amolrajan) January 7, 2015

1. Free Speech Continues Apace As Civilized Non-Barbarians Work Through Their Differences Without The Use Of Rocket Launchers

Billions of people around the globe continue to do and say what they please today, though some of those things may not please some of the other billions of people with whom they share the planet. The overwhelming majority of these people have not resorted to the use of large projectile weapons or assault machine guns in wrongheaded attempts at conflict resolution.

It's important to maintain free speech so that we can use it to call for things to be censored and tweeters to be jailed

— Frankie Boyle (@frankieboyle) January 7, 2015

2. Former Governor Of Virginia Receives Two Years Of Free Room And Board From State

Bob McDonnell—the former governor of Virginia and a one-time White House hopeful—has been sentenced to two years in prison for selling access to the governor's office in exchange for money and gifts. This scandal should put his 2016 chances just below those of former Texas Gov. Rick Perry, but still considerably above former Sen. Rick Santorum.

Gov. Bob McDonnell sentenced to 2 years in prison for corruption, though he’s petitioning for a work release doing transvaginal ultrasounds.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 6, 2015

3. Rebellious GOP Legislators Get Boehner-Slapped

Rep. John Boehner remains Speaker of the House today, despite an attempted political coup from more-conservative Republicans who would see him replaced. He responded to the failed attempt on his position with the grace and aplomb of a career politician who oversees the largest lawmaking body in the country: he fired every person who voted against him from their prestigious committee positions. The 114th Congress is gonna be the best one yet!.

A 3rd term for Boehner should be this country's 3rd strike. Lock us all up for life for criminal stupidity.

— Jim Earl (@jimearl666) January 7, 2015

4. Shocking Study: Middle-Aged Men Who Pretty Much Have Nothing To Live For Drink More Heavily Than Young College Dudes Who Have Tons Of Sex With Their Beautiful Classmates

Despite many stereotypes, middle-aged men are actually more flagrant binge drinkers than college-aged men, according to a new report from the CDC. Probably because they can so easily remember when they used to be college-aged men. God, it seems like yesterday.

Binge drinking implies I stopped at some point.

— Matt_Dwyer (@Matt_Dwyer) September 17, 2014

5. Astronomers Find An Earth-Like Planet That We Can Ruin After We Get Done Killing This One

Astronomers have just discovered the "most Earth-like alien world" yet, according to the American Astronomical Society. Kepler 438b—112 percent the size of Earth, with very similar temperatures—is 475 light-years away, so it'll be a while before we can start populating it with awful, war-mongering, talking monkeys.

Scientists have discovered the most Earth-like planet yet: "Earth".

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) April 18, 2013

Give this guy his money right now.(via KOB 4)

If you're running out of people you want to punch in the face, how about whoever works at the lottery commission in Roswell, New Mexico? They just told a man who won half a million dollars in scratch offs that his prizes would not be paid

According to the New Mexico Lottery and the Shell gas station attendant who sold John Wines his ticket, the jackpot was the result of a misprint.

Oh, hell no.

Turns out there was some funny business with the printing, and his ticket offered prizes worth more than the $250,000 it was supposed to max out on. KOB 4 reports that when Wines contacted the New Mexico Lottery about the issue, they sent him an email saying, "We did find a flaw in that particular pack of tickets and it's been reported to our printer. Thanks for bringing this to our attention. I did complete a reconstruction of your ticket and it was not a winner."

If someone said that to me, they'd need a complete reconstruction of their face.

You think we don't know the lottery is a scam? We know! We know, and yet we are so hopeful and desperate and sad and stupid that we fork over our dollars for the chance that the universe will choose us. The universe, or the ticket printer, chose him. Pay the man.

"It's like I told them, I didn't misprint it," Wines tells KOB. "I bought the ticket in good faith thinking if I won I was going to get my money. And they told me no, they absolutely, positively told me no."

Wines has recently retired, and says the $500,000 "would be nice."

Instead, the New Mexico Lottery offered him $100 in lottery tickets. An insult! Historically, that's not even worth the paper it is printed on.

I haven't even won enough from the lottery to pay for the trash bag that holds my losing lottery tickets, and this guy finally hits it.

This is their fault. Pay him.

That reminds me, I gotta go back to my grade school and see if my high score is still there.

You can now play over 2,300 MS-DOS games from the 1980s and 90s for free online (including The Oregon Trail)without even having to download anything, thanks to the Internet Archive.

It's amazing how much better graphics have gotten in games about zoning since '89.

The Archive, which seeks to preserve all of mankind's digital creations, may be one of the web's greatest resources, but with this move it has become one of the biggest threats to humanity's few remaining spare hours. I wrote in September about the site's creation of the Internet Arcade, where you can play (for free) over 900 arcade games from before 1996, including every major classic from Golden Axe to Street Fighter to Q*Bert and beyond. Before that, the Archive had unveiled the Console Living Room, which likewise lets you simulate hundreds of games from the consoles of the 1970s, 80s and 90s.

Castle Wolfenstein's sequel would invent the 3D first person shooter genre.

Now, the Internet Archive has brought the ultimate nerd fantasy to life: the resurrection of thousands of computer games designed for the MS-DOS operating system—which is what most PCs of the 80s and early 90s ran on. For dweebs whose parents had enough cash to own a PC before Windows, many of these will be familiar titles like Prince of Persia, various "Tycoon" games, and Leisure Suit Larry,rescued from digital oblivion. Of course, most gamers today weren't old enough to play Leisure Suit Larry when it came out in 1991.

It was a simpler time. These images, by the way, vastly overstate the graphics quality.

For most of humanity, though, this represents their first opportunity to play most of these games, which were actually bought by very small numbers of people compared to today's PC game market (let alone the wider video game market).

Zak McKraken and the Alien Mindbenders (1988)...in case you were wondering whether Lucas properties only got weird in the 90s.

This game was "cracked" in 1988, but it's actually from 1984. And now it's free!

Except, of course, for the one computer game everyone in America of a certain age knows—The Oregon Trail. Ironically, this was because The Oregon Trail was often available to play on the few computers they had in schools. I say "ironically" because Apple dominated the academic computer market for years, so most people never played the MS-DOS version (including myself).

This is the fancy 1992 Deluxe Version. They also have the 1990 version for purists.

There are many other games you will recognize, though, even if you had enough friends (and that did make a difference back then) that you didn't spend a lot of time painstakingly entering text commands into Zork games. If you didn't have friends then or now, however... they have Zork games!

Zork I: The Underground Empire (1980) - Still starts off with a bang, just like I remember.

They unfortunately only have a demo for Return to Zork, which in 1993 set the bar for "cinema-quality" gaming by being good enough to recognize the face of Wayne Arnold from The Wonder Years. They do have, however, a surprising number of erotica games.

Sex Vixens From Space (1989) - One of the subtler examples of the genre.

If you somehow have any free time left after every other way in which computers have eaten up our existence, head over to the Software Library and rediscover (or find for the first time) the magic of gaming powered by an x86 processor. Just uninstall your operating system, get those old DOS floppies out, and type in C://SoftwareLibrary/Games/start.exe (don't do any of that—please tell me you knew I was just making stuff up)... or just click here.

Ooh, I'd kill to re-live my first digital murder in this.

Dream big, Liv.(Instagram photo via ABC 10)

Jeff Lake, Southern California's Greatest Dad, decided to throw his teenage daughter Olivia the 18th birthday of the century. Here's hoping she picked the theme, which was Liv's Playboy Mansion. The party, which went down Friday night, attracted between 150-200 guests, none of whom were you, you old perv.

When police broke it up after neighbors complained, they found a whole bunch of drunk girls in lingerie and bunny ears, and two teenage boys who were intoxicated to the point of being unconscious.

Lake, an attorney who specializes in medical marijuana cases, was arrested for hosting a party where alcohol was served to minors (aka being a cool dad), which can carry a penalty of up to six months in jail.

According to ABC 10, a bunch of photos from the party made their way onto Instagram, but have since been made private. Liv also posted the following to Twitter after her party: "Huge thanks to everyone who was able to be a part of last night! I hope you all had a damn good time and that you're all okay and safe."

Because if you don't have to check to make sure your friends are still alive the next day, your birthday party was totally lame.

Shit just got real. Real satisfying!

Anyone who spent the 80s and 90s wanting Bill Gates to eat shit has finally of gotten their wish. Just not in the way they may have once hoped for. In a new YouTube video, he does drink water made from human waste that's been sent through a Janicki Omniprocessor, a self-contained poop plant funded by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

The device takes human crap, which they repeatedly refer to as "sludge" for pretty obvious reasons, and boils it down—creating clean, drinkable water. The remaining waste is then burned to create electricity, which will no doubt be an easier sell to consumers than a tall, cold glass of yesterday's lunch.

The video explains how similar plants could save countless lives in places around the world with plenty of poop and very little water. Which is why Gates is not only funding the project, he's putting his mouth where his money is.

Their biggest problem will be marketing. Americans may not be desperate enough to start drinking poop water. But considering our own drought problems, we should at least be on board with the idea of using it for things like watering our lawns, washing our cars, or dumping buckets of it over our heads in the name of charity.

I joined Match.com for the same reason most people join Match.com: to find a partner who loves and accepts me to make myself feel better after getting dumped. It was 2003, still uncool to be getting dates on the Internet, and worse, you had to pay for the experience. What happened was this: First, I got dumped. Then I got really sad about it. Crying-all-night-in-my-college-dorm-room-sad. Worrying-my-parents sad. Unable-to-eat-anything-losing-a-ton-of-weight sad. Finally I had to accept that I wasn't just sad. I was depressed.

I drove my family's Astro van home to Asheville, NC for my first appointment with a psychiatrist. Billy Joel's "Movin' Out" was on the radio. I was trying to merge from the passing line. The car behind me sped up. I swerved to miss it and overcorrected. The Astro van went spinning out of control before flipping into a guard rail. All of the laundry I'd brought home flew out of the car and scattered all over the highway.

It was September 11. (2003, but still.)

Kind strangers busted out the back windows of the van, and I climbed out. I picked all my dirty underwear off the road, and I made it to my appointment. I walked out with a bad case of whiplash and a prescription for Zoloft. It was time to try online dating.

I talked to a lot of weirdoes. Every wink and message stroked my ego. They say you can't really love someone until you've learned to love yourself, but that is total bullshit. You learn to love yourself gradually over time, in and out of relationships, with people who respect you and people who don't respect you, while you hopefully figure out what it is in life that you really want. I was too afraid to meet any of them in person. I was living in Asheville before Asheville got cool—which, incidentally, happened almost immediately after I moved away. I talked on the phone with 35-year-old Republicans still living at home with their mothers, farmers of all kinds, artists with emotional problems far worse than mine.

Months went by and I got healthier. Back at school, I mostly forgot about Match.com. I cancelled my membership, having never had an actual date with any of those strangers. Then, I was selected for a summer internship with a television network in Los Angeles, a city where I knew no one. I moved there and found myself once again firing up the old Match.com. This time, I selected that I was only interested in meeting "Friends." That's right, folks. I had grown. I was a working, modestly-paid woman in a big city. I didn't need winks to feel good about myself anymore. I just needed people to hang out with.

Jason messaged me almost immediately. He lived in Virginia—as far away from LA as he could possibly be—but we instantly connected. We started having those all-night phone conversations, where you never stop having things to talk about until one of you falls asleep on the line. He was so funny, and he had good taste in music. He worked as a rock radio DJ in a small town. I dug him. He dug me. He bought a plane ticket, and I picked him up from LAX. Then we had a series of the worst dates ever.

We had sex almost immediately. I woke up in the morning feeling terrible about it. He was the first person I'd slept with since the great dumping. Was it a complete mistake? Did he think I was a total slut? He went out and bought me thanks-for-having-sex-with-me flowers. We drove to Las Vegas together. When we arrived at the Luxor, he refused to valet his rental car. I was embarrassed. He dropped me off and parked so far away, I can only assume he wasn't in Vegas anymore. He arrived in the hotel lobby soaked in sweat. I picked that moment to tell him I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He was crushed.

After he flew home to Virginia, we kept in touch, but only a little. We went out with other people. My internship ended, and I moved back to North Carolina. One day, he called me and we got to talking again—one of those all-night-until-one-of-us-fell-asleep conversations. The next morning, he drove to my house—only three hours away this time. Then we had a series of the best dates ever.

We weren't nervous this time. Jason met my parents, who instantly loved him. We hung around Asheville together, and he met my friends. We saw Garden State, and we liked it, even though we knew it was a terrible movie and that Zach Braff was emotionally manipulating us with a good soundtrack. We liked it, because we were seeing it together.

I was on Match.com for nine months. I met one guy on it. And then I married him.

Jason and I have been married for nine years now. We've raised a beautiful dog together. I used to be embarrassed to tell people we met online. I'd get really cagey about it, and say we "met in LA," as if we'd randomly run into each other in a hip bar.

But that's not true. The truth is I met my husband on Match.com. We had sex the first day we met. He didn't think I was a slut for it. He still gets annoyed when he has to valet the car. I still get embarrassed about it.

All the single ladies (all the single ladies), put your hands not holding a drink up. (via Imgur)

Who needs the promise of getting married next when you could be getting drunk first?

Redditor quadyqua (cleverly outed as "Robin") came out as a being in love with her pink-as-hell cocktail today when she posted this picture of her attempt to catch the bouquet with the title "You can tell where my priorities lie."

You can tell which one Robin is by her complete disinterest in complying with matrimonial mandates.

I'm not sure why people still do the bouquet toss. Beyond its archaic implication that getting married is the best thing that could possibly happen to a woman, and now that their bride friend has finally gone off the market, her less desirable friends have a chance, it's just... dumb. Yeah, men do the garter toss, but less frequently, and it usually feels like it has less to do with committed love and more to do with "this is a good opportunity to bang the desperate chick who caught the bouquet."

And besides, it doesn't mean anything. Catching the bouquet has less merit than astrology; it's just women being thirsty.

Look at them, with their tongues hanging out at their chance for a lifetime of unspecified bliss:

Fate, I can change you!

If I don't catch these, the next time I see flowers will be at my funeral!

And then there's Robin, who was actually thirsty.

Drinky, drinky, nice and pinky.

"But catching the bouquet is a fun tradition, you bitter bitch!" you scream at your computer screen. Maybe. But so is finding out what's at the bottom of your "blushing kiss" or whatever ridiculous name they've given their signature hooch. What is not fun is having to parade around as a desperate single to a room full of happily married people.

And to anyone who thinks Robin's consumption put a damper on the celebration, please note, she was in high spirits, so to speak. As she comments on reddit, "It was a fantastic night all around! I enjoyed every moment. Even this one, just in a different way :)"

Flowers come and go, but liquor is forever in your liver.

:*)

Oh, the humanity!

Unless Downton Abbey becomes really, really desperate for ratings, it's highly unlikely the show will be dealing with anything being inserted into anyone else's anus. Which is why Entertainment Weekly thought it might be fun for fans of the hit British import to watch cast members play Cards Against Humanity, the game in which players try to get friends and family to say dirty words, then laugh while someone explains to grandma what "bukake" means.

Turns out, they were right. Hearing Laura Carmichael (the deceptively hot Lady Edith), Lesley Nicol (the sassy Mrs. Patmore), and Phyllis Logan (Mrs. Hughes? Whoa!) talking about butt stuff, bitches, and balls is kind of a hoot.

The ladies certainly had a good time, and seemed to appreciate the opportunity to work blue, having spent four seasons on a show where a hand-holding scandal could be turned into a two-hour special.

Cooking, cleaning, and kicking ass.

At this point, Disney World better have the guy who plays Gaston locked down in a long term contract, because otherwise, someone's bound to offer the YouTube sensation a much bigger gig. If not a TV network, then at least Vivid Entertainment, who are probably already developing a script for Asston: The Booty Prince.

The video from a few days ago of the live version of the beefy character being challenged by a bro to a push-up contest already has over six million views. This time, it's a young girl looking to test his strength in an arm wrestling match. Not only is the guy a good sport, he's so charming he can pull off misogynistic lines that Ted Nugent wouldn't think to say out loud.

Even if he's not being paid nearly what he's worth, it's hard to put a price on daily attention from hundreds of hot moms.

The dark side is so friggin' sweet.

Robert Franzese became an Internet sensation last year when a video from the Allentown Comic-Con surfaced of him doing stand-up comedy while dressed and talking like Family Guy's animated patriarch Peter Griffin. He's got the pants, he's got the glasses, he certainly has the physical je ne sais quoi that Peter requires, but most importantly, he's got a really good lock on that New England voice. (He does have some competition for best Family Guy cosplay ever—namely, the two stuntwomen who crowdfunded a full-length, shot-for-shot reenactment of the famous Chicken Fight). Later in 2014, Franzese traveled to NYC Comic-Con as a newly triumphant hero—getting discounts just for being him, doing guest appearances on nerdy web shows, and most importantly, having a camera crew follow him around and interview him. The result is a really good look inside two worlds you don't get to experience first-hand that often: that of serious cosplayers, and that of people who go viral and then work hard to continue that moment.

That's a long time to constantly be real-life Peter Griffin, and despite what a jerk cartoon Peter Griffin can be, he stays pretty nice the entire time. Here is the original stand-up set as Griffin that sent Franzese viral:

1. Halle Berry and her psychotic hubs.

French lunatic and Halle Berry marry-er Olivier Martinez was caught on tape pushing an airport employee who was likely trying to grab a pic of Berry, Martinez and their kids as they exited the Tom Bradley International Terminal at LAX Sunday afternoon. This makes the second LAX assault for Martinez, and pales in comparison to the 2012 incident with Berry's ex when Martinez beat the shit out of him. I get it, I want my guy to protect me, too, but not one who whacks dudes with your baby stroller. Get a new man, Halle, and if Martinez isn't locked up, get one that can take a punch.

2. This woman and her police chief husband who shot her in her sleep.

Dead asleep.(via CBS)

Peachtree City Police Chief William McCollom shot his wife, Margaret McCollom, on New Year's Day while she was asleep. According to ABC News, Chief Willy told 911 that "the gun was in the bed, I went to move it to put it to the side and it went off." Cool police skills, bro. Margaret, who is still in the hospital and who has no information to provide because she was asleep dreaming of the perfect marriage, claims she believes the shooting was accidental. Margaret, listen to me: either your husband was trying to accidentally kill you, or he is completely incompetent at his job. Either way, major turn off.

3. These two idiots who got "trapped" in an unlocked closet with human feces.

Cash Rules Everything On My Neck, C.R.E.O.M.N get the money

I don't even know what to say about these two other than, when someone has a neck tattoo of a dollar sign, you know they must be riiiich! John Arwood and Amber Campbell of Daytona Beach, Florida called the cops after two days of incorrectly believing they were locked inside a janitors closet. The managed to pass the time smoking meth and crack off of copper scouring pads (I guess that's a thing rich people do) and crapping in the corner. Eventually, their leisure activities got the better of them so the phoned the police for help, claiming they had been "chased in there." The only chasing that actually occurred was them chasing the dragon, and when police got there, they found that the closet did not lock and that the two were high as hell. As soon as the police "rescued" them, they were promptly arrested. I feel like once your mate has seen you doing a number two in the corner of a janitor's closet, all the romance is gone.

4. These marrieds arrested for making steroids just months after being arrested for the same thing.

Their juicy secret is out.

So you run the biggest steroid lab in Indiana and it got busted in August, does that mean you should give up? Husband and wife steroid kingpins David and Holly Starkey say hell no! We won't go! Also we will make your testicles really small and hope you freak out when someone mispronounces your name! They were arrested in August for running their 'roid lab in their home sweet home, and then just got busted again for the same stuff this week, causing Rushville Police Chief Craig Tucker to say he was "disappointed" in them. I admire their commitment to their life of crime and to each other but they are breaking the golden rule of drug selling: keep it moving. If you want to break up the pattern that is causing the cops to catch you, you just have to break up.

5. The arguing kiss cam couple

The score's tied at 69, dude!

Either these two couldn't hold the romance together long enough to pretend to care about each for for the two seconds it takes to kiss on the jumbo-tron, or they are a totally fake couple made up by the Chicago Bulls for some reason. Either way, they're done.

He takes filth off the streets, and brings it back to the sheets.

Long before Too Many Cooks brought the sitcom theme song back to the forefront of absurdist comedy, YouTuber dotflist was creating bizarre (but completely earnest) new versions of well-known TV title tunes. Dotflist has crafted over 70 re-imagined title songs, from the ubiquitous Friends song to classics like The Cosby Show, and even songs that were originally famous for being wordless, like Seinfeld. Each one sounds perfect while making less than no sense whatsoever.

The new versions still sound like old-school theme songs...but weird...and wrong... for instance, this Are You Afraid Of The Dark? song, which instead of being a horror show for kids is, well, very sultry.

Or, this Simpsons intro that re-imagines the series as being about Bart & Marge's marriage and their struggles with alcoholism.

Oftentimes, it's just a straight-forward and accurate description of the show followed by the title:

A bunch of twentysomethings living in New York / They won't leave for no reason / They work shitty jobs, do coke all the time / mom and dad would be so mad / They say funny things, fucking funny things / witty banter is so good / it's called Girls!"

Other times, it's the saddest story you've ever read, like the lyrics for Home Improvement:

Home Improvement / Al is spying on you / He's on a ladder, watching you brood / Film a TV show to hide from your wife / Making love to her has never felt right.

Kids in juvie 'cause they keep stealing cars / No one likes you the way that you are / You wake every morning, Tim, and try to forget/ If this continues, you'll drink yourself to death.

Home Improvement, and that's how they pay the rent.

Of course, no list would be complete without the song that many people claim is the only tune the fractured Millennials all know by heart:

Here's the full playlist of all the themes dotflist has created. Clear out your schedule, and also your mind:

Today's modern retro feminist hero of days gone by for our times.

The first two episodes of Marvel's Agent Carter premiered on ABC last night, and the reviews have been almost exclusively stellar. And for good reason: it's a action show, with a well-rounded female protagonist, a solid supporting cast and a razor sharp wit. A person with zero knowledge of the recent Marvel blockbuster films—if such a person existed—could sit down on their couch and enjoy this '40s-era espionage thriller with nary a question (except, maybe, "Why do all the flashbacks involving this Captain America character have such higher production quality?").

That said, this is a part of the larger Marvel Cinematic Universe—the ever-expanding tapestry of films and TV shows—based upon the exhaustive library of Marvel comics. That means that while SSR Agent Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) is running around New York City, whacking people with staplers, in some other part of the cosmos, Thor, Prince of Asgard, is combing out his luxurious blond locks and in some other far off corner the Dark Lord Thanos is commissioning a floating throne from an outer space stone sculptor.

It also means that you can watch Agent Carter through the eyes of a comic book nerd and find all kinds of fun things to get giddy over. So, here's some things to talk about with your dorkier circle of friends, so that you can kind of almost speak the same language:

1. Jarvis the butler is somehow the precursor of J.A.R.V.I.S.

If the idea of a brash and cocky Stark genius barking orders at an effete-voiced servant named Jarvis seems vaguely familiar to you, there's a reason for that. According to Marvel continuity, Edwin Jarvis (James D'Arcy)—the flesh-and-blood butler to Howard Stark who has been tasked with helping Peggy Carter on her undercover adventures—raised Howard's son Tony after the billionaire's death and as a result served as the inspiration for the one-day-to-be Iron Man's artificially intelligent virtual butler J.A.R.V.I.S., or Just A Rather Very Intelligent System (voiced by Paul Bettany). Which means that this guy is really kind of a beta model and was eventually replaced by a machine. Well, the Starks aren't rich for no reason.

2. That one scientist guy is totally the father of that dude who fought Iron Man in that other movie.

Hey, did you catch that Soviet scientist guy at Stark Industries who helps Carter and Jarvis for, like, a second? Well, that guy is Dr. Anton Vanko, and in a few years he's gonna get screwed over and fired by Howard Stark over the Arc Reactor technology that eventually winds up keeping Tony Stark alive and powering his Iron Man exoskeleton to boot. He will end up getting deported to the U.S.S.R. and having a kid who looks a lot like Mickey Rourke and likes playing with electric whips.

3. There's another Agent Carter.

Hey, remember that cute "nurse that lives across the hall" from Steve Rogers in Captain America: The Winter Soldier? The one with whom Black Widow is for some reason obsessed with seeing him bone? That's S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Sharon Carter, and she's probably the great-niece of Peggy Carter, otherwise known as the old lady with whom Rogers is still in love. So, that's kinda weird, right?

4. One day very soon, Peggy Carter will be the boss of all these dick bags.
The show so far seems to be leaning pretty heavily on the idea that all of the men in Peggy Carter's life are misogynistic dicks unless they're misunderstood geniuses, British or otherwise handicapped. But that's okay, because we know from the one-shot Agent Carter short film that was included as a bonus feature with Iron Man 3 that our heroine is about to get called upon by Howard Stark to head the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division, or S.H.I.E.L.D., which will subsume the Strategic Scientific Reserve, which employs all of the proto-Men's Rights Activists who are currently making her life hell. So, screw those chauvinistic straw men. Their days are numbered.

5. Captain America is a popsicle.

This isn't really little-known piece of comics gnosticism so much as a really sad way of looking at the show. At the end of the Captain America: The First Avenger, we witness Steve Rogers crashes a plane he is piloting into the Arctic Ocean, before eventually getting thawed out of a block of ice 70 years later in modern day Manhattan. What that means is that throughout every episode of this show—as well as all the events of the first two Iron Man films, The Incredible Hulk and Thor (not to mention the prelude to Guardians of the Galaxy)—America's greatest hero is lying cold and alone at the bottom of the sea, just waiting for someone from the country he saved to come and save him. Just thinking about that seriously bums me out. I think they should have a little inset image of a frozen Captain America at the bottom of the screen at all times, just so that nobody ever forgets or enjoys themselves too much.

Remember the haties.

Enough already! It's been 4 years since Anne Hathaway and James Franco dropped a bus-sized bomb on the Academy Awards, yet some people still aren't ready to forgive her. And not just keyboard warriors and hater hobbyists. Even some journalists haven't let go, like the interviewer for New York Times Magazine, who grilled Anne as if she was sitting down to apply for the job of hosting this year's Oscars.

Hathaway may have thought she was sitting down to promote her upcoming movie, Song One. The interviewer clearly had other plans, and after four fluffy questions, opted to launch into an interrogation about the worst night of Hathaway's professional life.

When asked if she had any advice for this year's Oscar host, Anne replied in a polite, professional manner: "Do the opposite of what I did, and you'll be fine."

Well played. Short, self-effacing, and also pretty good advice. Because she was pretty terrible. But it was a long time ago. Evidently, not long enough for the Times reporter, who pressed on about that awful night in 2011.

When asked what she thought went wrong that night (as opposed to the slightly meaner "what went right?"), Anne did a pretty good job of remaining positive while attempting to shut it down. "I think it's so obvious that it doesn't even need to be identified. He'll be great. He's a natural host."

There. Happy now, Jack Bauer? It sounds like Anne is all cried out about the Oscars. Even the Hatha-haters have moved on to more recent blunders. Like the time she said "blurgh" at the Golden Globes (witch!), or when she complained about someone forgetting the "E" in her name at the Critic's Choice Awards (burn her!).

But enough already about the 2011 Oscars.

It's not like she wasn't sufficiently punished for her part in ruining Hollywood's special night. She bombed on the biggest stage in the world and became the go-to punchline every time a TV host crapped the bed.

Remember how James Franco handled it the last time he was asked about his part in the fiasco?

Exactly.