A lot of people would be fine with the idea of every drone finding its way to the bottom of a pond. But when it's your Phantom 2 that's about to land in the drink on the first day of flying, it's another story.
Which is why this guy decided it was worth sacrificing comfort in order to save his $1,000 toy. Jumping into water in street clothes isn't a good look, but it's less embarrassing than walking home in tears carrying a brand new, useless drone.
Close your eyes and you can't tell these songs apart.
Sir Mashalot thought he was crazy when he noticed six #1 singles within three year's time sounded suspiciously similar. We're talking about:
"Sure Be Cool If You Did"- Blake Shelton
"Drunk on You"- Luke Bryan
"Chillin' It"- Cole Swindell
"Close Your Eyes"- Parmalee
"This is How We Roll"- Florida Georgia Line
"Ready, Set, Roll"- Chase Rice
To calm himself, the knighted Mashalot seamlessly edited them together into a smoothly flowing chart-topping, lady-lamenting uni-song.
The result is astonishing, starting with echoing intros, to cobbled together guitar solos that sound like they came from one song, and then culminating in all six songs placed on top of each other without any musical disruption. Its either dark magic, or the formula for country success has been cracked.
In the description, Mashalot, the Queen's trusted armored soldier, describes his ulterior motive. "As an aspiring songwriter in Nashville who can't seem to get a bite from the "gate keepers", I am currently working on a song specifically intended to become the 7th addition to this mashup formula. I figure at the very least, they won't be able to say it doesn't sound like a hit"
Me, watching this video: "Wow, that's a lot of piranhas. Oh crap, they're all alive and hungry. Wait, are they right on the water? Oh my god, what is she doing? Well...that's pretty logical. A cold, horrifying, disgusting, vicious kind of logic, but 100% logical nonetheless."
That's her signal for "Let's take this to the next level."(via Getty)
Jennifer Lopez has finally figured out what the problem is with her love life. Turns out, it's totally not her. She's can sing, dance, act—hell, she's a professional judge—so, obviously, the problem is with the parade of losers she's chosen to be with. All of them.
After seeming to fall in love with a contestant she slow-danced with for a minute on last night's American Idol, Lopez floated a theory as why all of her romantic relationships end up in the crapper: "I'm a great girlfriend and wife. I just pick the wrong (bleeping!) guys!"
As Paul Newman once said, "If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you."
The problem could be that there's no one in Jennifer's life willing to grab her by the shoulders and scream, "The calls are coming from inside the house!"
Okay, we'll give her Diddy. He seems like he could be a major pain in the ass. Her first husband Ojani Noa probably viewed her as his ticket out of waiting tables, so I get that. And what's Marc Anthony's deal? He's way too creepy for the hot-blooded playboy act. Cris Judd? Bit of a dud. She and Ben Affleck seemed like a good couple, but no relationship could survive both Gigli and Jersey Girl. The whole Casper Smart era was just gross.
Maybe she's right. Maybe the problem isn't her, it's just that when it comes to—wait.. hold on.
Hollywood Life is reporting today that she's back with Casper Smart.
So, yeah... it looks like the problem might be Jennifer Lopez.
Wait, did he tattoo the t-shirt, or is the t-shirt also a tattoo?
Ambassador Bruce Oreck is America's man in Helsinki, and he is a whole lot of that. Before landing the gig through the time-honored practice of raising half a million dollars in "bundled" donations for the winning presidential candidate in 2008 (that's a big chunk of "change"), Oreck was vice president and general counsel for Oreck vacuums. Wonder who he had suction with over there to land that job? Oh. He was also a professional competitive bodybuilder.
That last detail might never have entered into his diplomatic career if not for a somewhat-controversial 2012 Christmas card from the Ambassador.
Now, that's what I call muscular diplomacy.
Now, the Finns are one of the most advanced societies on the planet and we have very good relations with them, so it's not like he's risking a war or anything. Nonetheless, some feathers were ruffled, so when it came time for Oreck's 2013 card, he made some changes.
Being an Ambassador is all about making compromises. Or compromising images.
Gotcha, suckers! That's diplomacy 101 right there: sarcastic apologies. Fortunately, this decision has taken him from the ranks of embarrassing buffoons to the level of charming buffoons, and now everyone wants to be on his list. Clearly, the pressure is on for Oreck to seem ever-more-badass, which led to his decision to digitally add a bunch of tattoos to his already intimidating guns. And his t-shirt.
If he's lucky, he's got two more cards left to send from Finland. Unless he just sends a Someecard (and for the last time, Ambassador, no, we will not draw you).
So, a few days ago, one New York City police officer was suspended, and another hospitalized, for this squad car hood-surfing stunt that fortunately (for us) was captured by a surveillance camera:
I bring this story to your attention, not to add to the recent and unfortunate divide between the public and the officers who have been tasked with protecting them, but to subtract from it. In these confusing and emotional times, it's easy for civilians like myself to forget that the officers we see on the street every day are not simply authority figures, but other men and women trying to live their lives just like us.
And nothing drives that point home better than this video, because this is exactly the kind of dumb shit that me and my dumb friends would get in trouble for if somebody was dumb enough to let us be cops. No doubt about it. These dumb cops here are definitely my people.
1. Barack Obama Wants To Turn U.S. Into Nation Full Of Well-Educated Communists
President Obama is announcing today that he is intending to make two years of community college available to all U.S. citizens at no cost to them, in an effort to boost the education level of the nation's workforce. "It's something we can accomplish, and it's something that will train our workforce so that we can compete with anyone in the world," he says in a video missive filmed onboard Air Force One. Critics of the plan are opposed to it because Obama is in favor of it.
After Obama proposed offering free tuition at community college, Ted Cruz introduced a bill raising community college tuition to $1 million.
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) January 9, 2015
2. US Olympic Committee Breaks The News To Boston That It Might Be Inflicted With The 2024 Games
A mournful city full of Bostonites solemnly accepted the grim news yesterday that their sanity and happiness may be sacrificed for the greater good of the country, as the U.S. Olympic Committee will be submitting it as an official candidate to host the 2024 Games. At least this gives them all nine years to move someplace else.
My favorite event at the Boston Olympics would be the epic international You Think You're Bettah Than Me?! tournament.
— John Moe (@johnmoe) January 9, 2015
3. Bill Cosby and Tina Fey Find Common Ground In Their Willingness To Make Bill Cosby Rape Jokes
Both stand-up comedian Bill Cosby and writer-actor Tina Fey seem to be in complete agreement concerning making jokes about the multitudinous horrific sexual allegations made against Cosby in recent months. While performing in Canada last night, Cosby light-heartedly warned a female audience member that, "You have to be careful about drinking around me." Meanwhile, when Fey was asked by Access Hollywood whether she and her co-host for Sunday night's Golden Globe Awards would be considering Cosby jokes for their opening monologue, she excitedly replied, "Oh, heck yes!" It's nice to see these two titans of comedy coming together over a thing like this.
Bill Cosby's rape joke perfectly follows a classic rule: 'write what you know.'
— Nick Youssef (@NickYoussef) January 9, 2015
4. Men Can Add 13 to 20 Years To Their Lives By Cutting 4 to 7 Inches From Their Manhood
According to some provocative new research, being castrated at an early age could add several decades to a man's life, due to the lack of testosterone in the bloodstream, which may be partially responsible for the lifespan disparity between men and women. While it seems unlikely that many men would opt for such surgery to live longer, it seems quite possible that a healthy majority would be willing to subtract years with their family for a second penis.
Sorry if I'm just too darn crotchety. Looking into getting castrated tomorrow.
— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) November 20, 2013
5. Russia Discovers Totally Obvious Connection Between Car Accidents And Transgendered People
Russian lawmakers have recently classified transsexual and transgender people—as well as sexual fetishists, exhibitionists, voyeurs and pathological gamblers—as citizens who are no longer eligible for driver's licenses in a stated effort to cut down on automobile accidents. Apparently, this is what passes for making sense in Vladimir Putin's Russia.
Russia is rapidly becoming the guy at the party who says crazy shit just to stir things up.
— Robert Yasumura (@teamyasumura) November 18, 2014
Vine exists so that we can watch this 6-second video of a cat rhythmically sticking out its tongue to catch shower water over and over and over again on a loop while whole internets full of cat videos rise and fall and the oceans dry up and the sun explodes and cats don't exist anymore and all the while we are watching this Vine and then atoms that used to be us are watching atoms that used to be electronic devices playing this vine because it's just that neat.
Delivering beer is hardly the worst job in the world—everyone is always happy to see you and sometimes you get to use those sidewalk elevators that lower kegs into bar basements—but delivery in general can get a little dull. Plus, repetitive motion injuries from lifting stuff all the time. BUT, not if you're these ingenious Colombian delivery guys who have to bring bottles of beer to a hillside bar accessible only via a very steep pedestrian street! Not only do they not have to carry it, they've invented a fast, clever, and extremely fun-looking method of beer transportation. I imagine you have to wait a few minutes before opening them, though.
We all need help, but how much help do you need?
They shoot minorities, don't they? (via WBRB)
The Elizabethtown, KY newspaper The News-Enterprise just had to print a retraction for an article published Thursday that misquoted their sheriff as saying "people who go into the law enforcement profession typically do it because they have a desire to shoot minorities."
Woah, someone actually had the balls to say it. The trouble is, it wasn't Hardin County Sheriff John Ward. It was some idiot newspaper staffer who thought they were being funny.
After the paper went to print, Ward said in an interview that the comment "is appalling" and defended himself on Facebook.
The article was written by Anna Taylor, who claims that the false statement found its way into her article after she submitted it. Editor Ben Sheroan issued a statement that the error was due to "a failure to follow establish[ed] production processes in our news department."
A vague excuse from a person whose job it is to disseminate the truth.
The established production processes he must be referring to is "only print quotes that people actually said."
Sheroan has taken action though, and has blamed and fired two staffers.
Ward says he was personally offered a more direct explanation for what happened. WDRB reports that Ward said "the newspaper told him a staff person inserted the comment as a prank, and that it was not caught before it went to print."
I don't think prank is the word they want. Sneaking a penis onto a Disney movie cover is a prank. Misquoting a public official to make an extreme political statement is libel.
Pretty horrifying, Bill! (via Getty, from a November 2014 performance)
Well, it's good to know Bill Cosby is taking the allegations against him so seriously.
According to National Post reporter Richard Warnica, at a show last night in London, Ontario, Cosby made his first public acknowledgement of the charges against him.
A woman in the front row got up to get a drink, and Cosby asked where she was going. She told him, asking if he'd like a drink, too. He responded, "You have to be careful about drinking around me," apparently making reference to the allegations by dozens of women that he drugged and raped them.
"You have to be careful about drinking around me," Cosby just said to a woman in the crowd. Loud gasps from the audience.
— Richard Warnica (@richardwarnica) January 9, 2015
Apparently, this joke went over well with the crowd—perhaps not surprising since they are people who paid to see him perform—and the "gasps then changed to cheers and applause."
It was otherwise a fairly quiet night, though two hecklers were removed for yelling at the comedian. Upon the entering the show, audience members were given a piece of paper warning against "disruptive behaviour."
Handed out to ticket holders at tonight's Cosby show. pic.twitter.com/yACtgjpuhj
— Richard Warnica (@richardwarnica) January 9, 2015
It may not be surprising that this was the way Cosby decided to finally address the issue. He's a comedian, so it makes sense that he'd make a joke.
But even those who choose to believe that Cosby is innocent—who think that someone is making these women say he drugged and raped them, or it's mass hysteria, or they're after his money (even though almost none of them are seeking financial compensation of any kind)—must surely recognize that a powerful man accused of date rape standing onstage and being cheered and applauded while he jokes about date rape is pretty gross. It's also the definition of "rape culture."
If two male strangers approach you on the street and ask you to take part in a limbo contest, you should probably keep walking. If the strangers request you wear a blindfold while limboing—or doing anything else, for that matter—you should definitely keep walking. If the same two guys are dressed anything remotely like the guys in this video, and you even think about stopping to hear their pitch, then God bless you. Because you're the kind of trusting person that make hilarious, harmless pranks like this one possible. Limbo!
It's not funny, human! Why are you laughing? This kitten's pouncing may look adorable—tiny limbs flailing through the air and all—but this animal is fierce. Don't believe him? He'll do it again! As many times as are necessary to prove he's lord of the couch.
No! Don't giggle more!
Houston, we have a small problem.
Right on the heels of TMZ's reveal that Calvin Klein photoshopped pubes on to Beiber's baby body, BreatheHeavy has come forward with some before shots of his junk. It appears that not only does he not really have pubes, he also doesn't have much to grow them on.
BreatheHeavy claims they received these alleged photos from the shoot in an email from "someone."
Basically, what he has been using to piss into mop buckets has been greatly exaggerated. Here's an enlarged version of the un-retouched pic so you can pull out your magnifying glass and get a better look:
I'll have what he's having. (via BreatheHeavy/Calvin Klein)
And now, a beautiful Instagram video to help you visualize the transformation. Look upon Photoshop's mighty works and chortle:
Exclusive: @JustinBieber's unretouched @CalvinKlein photo #BreatheHeavy #MyCalvins
A video posted by BreatheHeavy.com (@breatheheavycom) on
Really, I don't think anyone would care so much about his dick if he didn't insist on being one.
BreatheHeavy has a source connected to the photo shoot who told them "he was basically a douche. He hit on Lara several times and she had to stop him, basically calling him out on being just a child… Bieber specified he wanted to look "taller and buff." Bigger bulge implied."
This video not only displays his computer enhanced bulge but, even more frighteningly, it shows how his small genitals have gone to his head. Literally. Look at the size of that noggin! It almost looks like the photoshopped version is real, and the real photo is its caricature.
Just more proof for my theory that Beiber is not real, but instead is a computer hoax created to annoy the world.
