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Shut-in.

Watch these Rhinos make a run for freedom past a zoo's gates.

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As free as the grass grows, for a couple of blocks.

The rhino in the lead is named Rihanna, while the other two are her unnamed backup dancers.

According to the Daily Mail, the rhinos escaped from the front entrance of the Ramat Gan Safari Park in the city of Ramat Gan in the Tel Aviv district of western Israel.

Apparently, the security guard nodded off to sleep and failed to notice until too late what was happening, causing another employee to run behind them in a failed plea to get them to change their mind.

Sadly, RirI and friends were caught when police set up a road block, and the zoo drove them back. Too bad their size prevented them from making a Shawshank Redemption bid for freedom like this snake.

A girl discovered her yearbook photo had been retouched to make her look thinner.

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When redditor love_a_good_ood was issued a new student ID (along with the other seniors at her school) yesterday, she noticed something odd. Her yearbook photo had been retouched to make her look like her "prettier twin sister." Among other things, her round face had been made thinner.


Before and after.

"I was outraged!" the student wrote on reddit. "I have a round face that I have grown to love and now I get my photo back with a different face." Love_a_good_ood lists the other changes that were made to her face: "face smoothing," "skin recoloring," "lip recoloring," and "eyebrow smoothing and reshaping."

She was particularly pissed off because her all-girls school claims to support self-love, and students are "constantly reminded about positive body image and accepting ourselves for who we are." She immediately contacted school officials to complain, and luckily they were equally upset.

In an "urgent update," the student explains:

After meeting with my high school it has been determined that the untouched original photos will be use in the yearbook. The edits were not made by my school but rather the company our school used. These changes were made with notification to the school [ed. sic? I think she means "without"]. When our yearbook teacher saw the photos he was outraged along with all the other staff members of the school. They understood that the new edited photos are not what the students look like...I am proud of my school and what they stand for.

If that's really the case, it's pretty bizarre that the photography company went this far of their own volition. Not sure how useful an ID photo is if it doesn't look anything like you. And a bunch of those students are going to feel really bad about how much weight they've gained when looking at these photos ten years from now.

Back in my day, senior yearbook photos were so dreamily fogged it was hard to tell students and teachers and artistic shots of the school grounds apart, but I don't think they would have changed a teenage student's appearance this drastically. Or maybe I just want to cling to how wrinkle-free I used to look. Side note: I also chose to wore shapeless black velvet and pearls for my senior photo! Because I'm a girl. And girls wear that.

We reached out to redditor love_a_good_ood and she has yet to respond, but we'll be sure to update this if she does.

8-hour bug.

Family in minivan calls 911 while being trapped under a semi and dragged 16 miles.

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The driver of the truck had no idea he was taking a family of four along for a ride.


At least the truck didn't have those "sexy lady" mudflaps. (via Roscommon Sheriff's Office)

Michigan family Matthew and Pamela Menz and their two adult children were driving down Interstate-75 during a white out when Matthew hit the rear and of a semi-truck, trapping them underneath.

As Pamela tells the 911 operator, they had lost any ability to honk their horn, so the driver of the truck continued along, completely unaware he was dragging the family with him. Having lost power and heat, Matthew told 911, "Our windshield is completely shattered. I can't see nothing. I don't have any control of the thing."

Visibility was so low, none of the other drivers on the road noticed to alert the driver of the truck, and 911 had to use the Menz's phone's GPS to track their location.

This is an excerpt of the 23 minute call to 911 that took place while the family waited to be rescued.


MSN reports police were able to find the truck and minivan just South of Grayling, and then pulled the truck over into a rest stop area. The driver had no idea.

None of the reports indicate anyone was harmed, though I'm assuming it is going to be really hard for the Menzes to get their adult kids to go for a drive with them again.

Man cold.

A human invented the "breathing leaf" which could save our planet and allow for humans to live in outer space.

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This guy invented a breathing leaf that converts carbon dioxide into oxygen and will probably save the human race if we don't ignore it like we did the water-powered car.

Finally, we can breathe as much as we want.

When I was a kid, my best attempt to save the planet was me going outside to breathe directly onto trees to encourage them to turn my toxic waste into oxygen. Today, artist/scientist Julian Melchiorri has created a man-made leaf that actually does that.

He calls it a "breathing leaf" and it is a bunch of chloroplasts—the parts of a plant that function during photosynthesis—suspended in silk protein. It takes water, light, and your stupid used up air and turns it into breathable 02. This is probably going to be a really big deal.


Don't leave earth without one.

Mostly, it will be a big deal because it will create the ability to breathe in outer space, and eventually allow us to colonize planets that don't already have oxygen for us, which is good, because so far none of them do.

Melchiorri explains in his video that his leaves are light, low-energy consuming, and completely biological, which is the perfect product to bring with you on a spaceship or to use as wallpaper on your new martian pied-à-terre.

Or, you could just use it as a lampshade here on earth to turn your own home into an oxygen-infused casino.

Or, stick it on the outside of buildings, and save the human race.


Whatever, up to you.

Below, Melchiorri describes his invention in a pleasing French accent.


This is probably a much better solution than the one Mel Brooks came up with...




5 people who will probably be looking for work this week.

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Here are your candidates for Worst Employee of the Week.

5. The government employee who was fired after missing work for 24 straight years.


(via Thinkstock)

Even though this Indian civil servant is out of a job, if he improbably lands another one, it's safe to assume he won't be doing much work. Because, after being absent for 24 straight years from his job as an electrical engineer, getting back into any kind of groove might be difficult. A.K. Verma, who worked for India's Central Public Works Department, took some personal time around 1990 and decided the no-effort lifestyle suited him, so he never went back. His employers took action against him two years later, and the Indian George Constanza was found guilty of "Willful absence of duty." Which, evidently, isn't enough to get you fired from a government gig in India. That finally happened this week after the Minister of Urban Development stepped in and canned him.


4. Tax cheating former NY Congressman Michael Grimm.


(via Getty)

Michael Grimm finally resigned from Congress, effective this past Monday, after having been an embarrassment to New York as Staten Island GOP rep since 2011. The SI bad boy, who famously threatened to throw a NY1 reporter off a balcony and "break him in half. Like a boy," plead guilty last month to a $1 million tax evasion scheme related to his Healthalicious Restaurant business. Cheating the government and being unethical doesn't always mean you have to step down from congress. Quite the contrary. But Grimm might be headed to prison for a couple of years. That means, as he hilariously put it, he couldn't "continue to be 100 percent effective." You think? Going to prison sucks for anyone, but at least Grimm speaks the language.


3. The British cop who raised red flags after showing up to work in a red Ferrari.


(via Twitter)

There are plenty of jobs where showing up to work in a red Ferrari wouldn't be a big deal: movie studio executive; hedge fund manager; Ferrari dealer. The list isn't very long. And "police officer" is not on that list. Which is why British cop Osman Iqbal's fellow West Midland officers suspected he might be up to something when he showed up to the station in his $250,000 ride. What he was up to was running a drug gang that dabbled in prostitution and money laundering. Osman was arrested in September but was back in court this week to face additional charges of misconduct in a public office for accessing computer systems without authorization.


2. The school principal who jokingly threatened to kill a student.


(via Thinkstock)

When Wisconsin intermediate school principal Aaron Amundson told a student, "God help me if you have to ask me what line you're in, I am going to kill ya," he was obviously joking. Problem is, jokes about principals killing students haven't been funny for a couple of decades now. With good reason. Which is why when parents heard about his remark they raised a stink, resulting in Amundson—who was reprimanded last year for using inappropriate language in an angry email—being place on five days of unpaid disciplinary leave. So, he hasn't been fired. But, if he already had a problem with his temper, he's in for a bad time when he gets back and students—with a nose for blood in the water—start busting his balls with things like, "Hey, Mr. Amundsmon. Killer tie!"


1. The NYPD officers whose "hood-surfing" hijinks landed one of them in the hospital.


(via)

A NYPD cop has been suspended after video surfaced of him driving a patrol car while another cop rode on the hood. The incident might have gone unnoticed, if the driver of the car hadn't stopped short, sending the blue surfer sailing onto the road and into a hospital bed with head injuries. The incident is still under investigation, but the driver has been ordered to turn in his badge and gun. Things have been famously slow recently for the NYPD, so the officers were probably just bored. And with a department engaged in a work stoppage, they had no reason to fear that anyone was going to stop them.


Little girl insists she, and not her mom, is the one married to her daddy.

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Three-year-old Natalie knows there's only one man for her: Daddy! And no one—certainly not Mommy, with her spurious claims of being married to the guy—is going to stand in her way.

Natalie's mom explains on YouTube, "We were teaching Natalie about marriage, and telling her it is between two people that love each other. I was intentionally keeping it vague so as to not tell her the old 'it's between a man and a women [sic] who love each other...'"

Apparently, Natalie's mom left it too vague because Natalie immediately decided she was married to a person she loves: Daddy!

When Natalie's mom stumps her with the question of when exactly she married her father, Natalie responds with the classic conversation ender of saying, "I don't want you to talk to me" and giving her the "talk to the hand" hand. You do you, Natalie.

Liam Neeson's prank call to the ex-boyfriend of his 'Taken' daughter sounds terrifying.

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If you date Maggie Grace and don't treat her well, you may have to deal with an angry Liam Neeson as an even angrier Bryan Mills.


"Don't make me hurt you... kidding! Kind of."

While promoting Taken 3 on Conan last night, Maggie Grace called her costar Liam Neeson "the best fake movie dad anyone could ask for." He also seems like a pretty loyal, possibly over-protective father figure in real life. Grace said when she told Neeson about having her heart broken by a guy, Neeson thought it might be fun to call the ex-boyfriend and scare the crap out of him as his Taken character, Bryan Mills.

Getting a call from an angry Liam Neeson as himself saying "the first mistake you made was dating out of your league" would be unsettling enough. But at least if you heard "Liam Neeson" you'd know who you were dealing with. If this poor guy doesn't immediately place "Bryan Mills," then it's just some random Irish psycho coming to kill him.

But Neeson seems like a genuinely nice guy with a great sense of humor. And the prank call has become such a hit online, Bryan Mills going after his daughter's ex-boyfriends could wind up being the plot of Taken 4.

Holding back.

A woman who can bark just like a dog scares a bunch of people on the street.

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Woof.

I don't really blame any of the people in these videos for getting freaked out by this prank. If it's an angry dog, they have good reason jump back. And if it's an attractive lady with an uncanny ability to sound like a dog and a willingness to unleash it on complete strangers on the street, they have good reason jump back.

In either case, the smart option is to put some space between them and the potential threat.

This cat will not stop until it gets revenge for being annoyed with an oven mitt.

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"I will look for you, I will find you, and I will claw you."

The guy in this video here made the oldest mistake in the книга. You do nut screw with Russian cats. Even if you are wearing an oven mitt for protection. Those cats are crazy. They will chase you down and have their revenge, even if they have to dive through windows to do it.

How much you wanna bet this cat here is hooked up with the Solntsevskaya Bratva? Who knows what kinds of crazy tats he's hiding underneath all that fur!

This dog surfing across a swimming pool is a reminder that you will one day be warm again.

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A happy dog in happier, warmer days.

When you wake up in the morning and you're cold, and then you go about your day and you're cold, and then you go to bed at night and you're cold, it's hard to convince yourself that you will one day not be cold. But this video of a cute little dog making the best of the warm weather is evidence that a thing called "summer" does exist. And if you look at your calendar, you'll see that it's only five months away (seven if you're in the midwest).

Be strong! We'll get through this (probably).


Save the date.

This is what all the d-bags in your office are really thinking.

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Two people who are too polite to mention how much they hate each other's guts.

You know that one co-worker of yours whom you strongly suspect neither likes nor respects you? You know the one I mean: the one whom you dislike and don't respect. Does that narrow it down at all? Maybe a little?

Anyway, wouldn't it be nice to know what that jerk is really thinking when he or she is going through the motions of polite office conversation? Well, wonder no more, because this video from BuzzFeed Yellow is the Rosetta Stone of office insincerity:

This confused dog can't figure out where the squeak from his squeaky toy comes from.

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"Who squeaked that?"

Walter loves playing with his squeaky toy. He loves it! Only problem is, every time he plays with it, some kind of mysterious squeaking sound occurs. It's the weirdest thing!

If you have any explanation for this truly bizarre phenomenon, please contact Walter. You'll be able to find him playing with his squeaky toy.

Watch Tina Fey and Amy Poehler take on Bill Cosby and North Korea in their fantastic opening monologue at the Golden Globes.

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They went there, and it was hilarious. Tina and Amy revealed just how not-dangerous Ricky Gervais always was in their opening monologue for tonight's Golden Globes. They didn't blink an eye at any of the recent show business controversies, including Cosby's allegations, the merits of actually having to watch The Interview, and George Clooney marrying out of his league.

(The Cosby stuff hits around 8:45)

Can't decide who does Cosby better. Tina, Amy, or Karma.

6 new contenders for the most outstanding comment ever left on a Facebook photo.

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That's it, dear. Just keep playing dumb. (via)

At this point there isn't a moment of human experience that isn't photographed and instantly uploaded to Facebook for all to share. Life is contained in the Facebook photo albums now, so when you comment on a Facebook photo you're essentially commenting on life itself. You can choose to resignedly click "Like" on life like so many over-medicated cult members who are lying to themselves. Or you can do like the commenters gathered here, who deserve awards for their attention to detail and their willingness to turn a glimpse of another person's existence into something we can all laugh at.


No, but you certainly don't need a second weapon with those toenails around. (via)



Yep. Sounds complicated. (via)


82 is going to be a wake-up call, young lady. (via)



Nope. 12 weeks to go until it's summer and she can play with that beach ball! (via)



Cool. How much for your dick? (via)

Updated 12/1/14:


He can't be trusted at house parties with acacia leaves.(via)



They served to protect his right to shop. (via)



Debbie dumpling downer. (via)



Sounds like a good deal unless it's purple. (via)



I want to see Facebook's translation of "LAZORCAT." (via)



Never going to sell that thing now. (via)

Updated 11/3/14:


And is someone supposed to be Cupid in this scenario? (via)



Might've been. Wasn't. (via)

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Get a storage closet!(via)

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Google Glass? (via)

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Think none of your friends has a snowboarding calendar? Think again!(via)

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Plot twist: They're all copies of Fahrenheit 451. (via)

Updated 10/6/14:


Not as long as his buddy lets him watch NFL games on his belly.(via)


Or maybe a walrus? (via)

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No, your life is not significant. Get offline. (via)

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At work? You have the best job ever.(via)

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He enjoyed what he did. (via)


That would have offended non-toilets.
(via)

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Updated 9/2/14:


So much more powerful than a promise ring. (Via)

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Bae caught me fakin'.(Via)

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Use every part of the Facebook. (Via)

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Way to look past the darkness.(Via)

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Dog couldn't even wear a tux to his own wedding? That's bad luck!(Via)

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Maybe she's just avant garde, d-bag.(Via)

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Updated 8/4/14:


Someone send a life-raft. (Via)

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Ken's a big reader. No canned spaghetti meal is going to make him give that up. (Via)

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You must be more compassionate in your oil changes.(Via)

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Prepare for ye credit card offers and Valpaks to be pillaged. (Via)

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Still, at least she Googled it herself. Very talented Googling. (Via)



A sunset has to be really beautiful to get Heather to stop obsessing over poop shots. (Via)

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Updated 6/30/14:


Why old Photobomb Phil's been dead for decades now.
You got photobombed by a g-g-g-ghost!
(Via)

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Like you've never gotten excited after taking a really good butt-selfie.(Via)

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Least they're not sitting around doing math!(Via)

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Or, he died before achieving his dream of Jurassic Park being operational.(Via)

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I think he just asked you out to dinner!(Via)

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Guys don't need a lot of inspiration in that activity. (Via)

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Updated 6/3/14:


I certainly hope the tiny cat tipped well.(via)

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You should see the pyramids. (via)

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Wake up, sheeple! Why do you think there are so many cans? The aluminade! (via)

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It looked like a salami.(via)

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When will you grow up, Shannon? (via)

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Updated 5/2/14:


Spike knew. She always knew.(via)

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That was very, very dangerous. But cool. (via)

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I only hump American-made cars. (via)

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The tattoo artist only knew how to do glittery spiders for some reason. (via)

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If not great responsibility, at least more responsibility than that, surely. (via)

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What if they mutate but they're still not that good at martial arts? (via)

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Updated 4/2/14:


I'm guessing this is the last time anyone makes the mistake of trusting you. (via)

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I dunno, $20 still seems like a good deal. (via)

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Well, that seems irrelevant, but good to know. (via)

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Nope, not what that means.
(via)

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Updated 3/4/14:


All the rest have 31, except February which has 52. (via)

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It's just a very sad photo all around. (via)

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I give them a week before they're posting photos of each other slippin. (via)

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Why do I have the feeling this will take a while to explain? (via)

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Updated 2/4/14:


Also sometimes people are just sleepy. (via)

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Unfriend this person before their posts become upsetting. (via)

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Good thing I have my smart phone to document this. (via)

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Philip Seymour Hoffman would probably have thought this was funny. (via)

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A bargain at half the price. (via)

Updated 1/6/14:


He's going to the great cardboard box in the sky. (via)

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A.O. Scott does most of his reviews this way, too. (via)

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"Oh!!! Pretty!" was the last words of many a gladiator. (via)

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Reason #43,239 never to friend your mom, or son, on Facebook. (via)


The greened-out name is Santa, obvi. (via)


This is why the aliens will easily be able to overtake us. (via)

Updated 12/5/13:


Kids today don't watch enough VHS's.


"Superficial aesthetic characteristics" = "She has giant boobs."


I always grew too attached to the sausages we raised on my farm as a child.


Why would you want to avoid a place with a ball pit?


It's true! M.J. really was out of this world!


Ow.

Updated 11/7/13:


ERECTION! How many times must I scream "ERECTION"?!


Could be anyone's ass, really.


Don't forget the Holey Bagel.


Earth is destroyed every year.


SMMTH. (Shaking my mutant turtle head.)


LOL why would someone invent a non-cordless phone?

Updated 10/7/13:


Pics or it didn't happen.


Mr. Darren Buble has a nice ring to it.Swoon.

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Oddly enough, that book IS junk.

Updated 9/11/13:


Could lose a bit more if he put down the phone for a second.

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Sells puppy to get better phone to take pictures of puppy on.

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No, no, Timmy. Camels have humps.

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Same basic shape, you know-it-all!

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Rob may be a pussy, but he's no fool.

Updated 8/8/13:


In case you were wondering, her account number is 3771-1745.

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There are no awkward silences around that grasshopper.

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Children our are future.

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Seriously, 5 acres isn't even that many!

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If your phone's in a smoothie, what did you take the photo with??

Updated 7/12/13:


This commenter is now in a relationship with Youtube.

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They were chillen' together. Cyberchillen'.


Tonight on Fat Cops, a young boy who's just killed a man seeks help from his mama...


This is actually why they picked her for the summer internship.


Their lizard fucking is truly beautiful though.

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Updated 6/12/13:


Remember when Neil DeGrasse Tyson had that ugly feud with 50 Cent at the planetarium?


Ew, drinking Union Jack sounds dusty.


And...if you're lazy?


Time to go back to your original profession as a taxidermist.


Every mother dreams of her toddler turning out sexy.


Honestly, that's what "Granddaughter" gets for posting that statistic.

Updated 5/13/13:


They can be the same. Liking your own status on Facebook is a form of fapping.


Also, why did you marry such a heavy, finger-giving man in the first place?


No, stupid, the Italian flag says "Viva Italy!"


The only fun fact about Nazism, actually.


Screw white ghosts for oppressing all the minority ghosts.


It's a meta caption of a meta photo. Whoa.

Updated 4/18/13:


Dogs have patience. Human dogs, less so.


What the hell did that bunny leave in your basket?


It's the legend of the ghost bridge! The bridge has returned from the dead for vengeance!


Looks like he took a break for some refreshment, and to steal your wallet.


The real tragedy is Walt letting his legotism control his decisions.


Welcome to your kitchen for the very first time. Now make some really spicy coffee.

Updated 3/19/13:


Um, I've been leading a double life. I'm really a cheezy stock photographer.


This horrible relationship is making us hungry!


The GOP has decided to run a citrus in 2016.


His balls are really good listeners.


Thought you meant congrads on my bomb new lid, brah. But that marriage shit, yeah, LOL.

Updated 2/19/13:


You have a new friend request from Galileo (Galileo) Galileo Figaro.


Bobby's obviously never done mescaline.


We usually name our pimple, Gus. Short for Disgusting.


Can we just switch our order to the spaghetti? If no one's had sex in it?


Even the cat looks angry that someone brought Blue Moon.


It's cool. He has a vagina underneath his left knee.

Updated 1/23/13:


They're lucky he didn't just tie pistols to their feet.


Game of Thrones is bound to use this as a plot-point eventually.

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She should end it with him. He clearly wishes he was dating Spider-Man.

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The best way to stop forest fires is with a crapload of "likes."

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Just having a pet dolphin would be enough for us. Or an Xbox, for that matter.

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What would humans and ducks ally against? Swans?

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Updated 12/17/12:


Wrong. It's a framed picture of a mirror being photobombed by a ceiling fan.

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Commenters love to shout at a hat out on a ledge.

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We feel bad for twin girls. They can't ask kids on the playground to "come and play with us" without scaring the hell out of them.

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"Don't miss Kohl's holiday blowout!" -John 3:16

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Our grandma used to make a great soul loaf. So tender, so eternal.

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We'd go with the Bieber. Just to learn the sequence of terrible decisions that led to him getting the same haircut as our sister's girlfriend.

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Your Facebook friends: Misunderstanding deep-throating hamsters since 2006.

Updated 11/26/12:


In nature you're never more than two inches away from poo. And by "nature" we mean "our office."

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People aren't that impressed when you train a man-parrot to talk.

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Peace in the Middle-East won't be achieved unless we all bond over the new C-class.

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He had to introduce himself to all the Taco Bells in the neighborhood.

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Still waiting for the day when this country will elect its first teensy president.

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Oh the humanity.

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No wonder his personals ad seeking "Women into baseball glove material" always went unanswered.
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Updated 10/26/12:


Looks like a girl in a bikini committing suicide to us. Eye of the beholder?

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Another episode of "Blame Autocorrect Or Call Social Services?"

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We're hungry and nauseous all at once.

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Seriously, who are they flipping the bird at? The Bravo channel?

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Like you'd still be able to see the top of the bridge.

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Why does this racist sexual inadequacy panic quiz have to implicate Gamestop?

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We thought every page on the internet was kind of called "Fapping."

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Updated 9/4/12:

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Updated 8/7/12:

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Updated June 5, 2012:

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