Last night, Kevin Spacey took home the Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Drama Series for his portrayal of the sociopathic Senator-now-President Frank Underwood, and he accepted the award in character before dropping an f-bomb that was as shocking to his audience as many of House of Cards' plot twists—and almost as shocking as Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's Bill Cosby joke. If you haven't already lost several days to the best TV show on the Internet, start now, because right after Spacey's speech, Netflix dropped this suspense-laden trailer for Season 3—and now that Frank and Claire (Robin Wright) have risen to power, the stakes have risen right along with them. Are they murderers, or survivors? Well, they're murderers, but we still love them.

Here's Spacey's speech in case you didn't also binge-watch (or regular-watch) the Golden Globes last night.

Whoever gets the piece with LSD has to buy the LSD next year.

About 40 people went to the hospital because they were having "hallucinations and out-of-body experiences" after eating cake this week. This is what happens when you break your resolutions this early in the year.

Or, this is what happens when cakes are laced with a synthetic drug.

The Cholula Bakery in Santa Ana, California is closed and under criminal investigation after dozens of people began getting sick from consuming their king's cake. King's cake is desert served to celebrate the end of the Christmas season, and usually includes a tiny plastic baby Jesus baked inside. Whoever gets the piece with the baby and doesn't choke to death on it is supposed to have good luck and prosperity.

According to Cpl. Anthony Bertagna, of the Santa Ana Police Department, everyone who ate Cholula's king's cakes had "dizziness, palpitations, numbness, hallucinations and out-of-body experiences." The baby Jesus is thought to have had nothing to do with it.

Authorities closed Cholula's while they conduct an investigation to determine what drug was used and how it got into the cakes.

I think it's safe to assume saying "the Holy Ghost did it" isn't going to cut it this time.

Looking for a reasonably entertaining 30 minutes with plenty of Mark Duplass screen time? You should watch Togetherness, the new sitcom from brothers Mark and Jay Duplass that debuted last night on HBO. But beware, it might hit a little close to home, especially if you're feeling: a) like a failure at your career, b) like a failure because you're single, or c) like a failure at your marriage.

If you didn't watch the pilot last night, then get someone's HBO Go password and the following snacks:

1. Doughnuts.

They're the favorite indulgence of Brett Pierson's (Mark Duplass) loser best friend Alex Pappas (Steve Zissis), who gets evicted and tries to run away from his Hollywood dreams to his mom's place in Detroit. Overindulging in them might also be why Alex's latest commercial role was guy suffering from heartburn.

2. A green smoothie.

It's Brett's recommended remedy for what ails Alex, because Brett sure as hell isn't going to let Alex abandon his dreams—or at least not until after family beach day, because Brett needs back-up. Brett, a stereotypical LA health nut, and his wife Michelle (Melanie Lynskey) both seem fairly terrified to be alone together, at least partly because Michelle no longer wants to have sex with Brett. From the outside, they seem to have the perfect home and family of four, but in reality, they're having some intimacy issues that are leading to a lot of masturbating and very little getting off.

3. Strawberry Hill wine.

It's what to drink when you're dumped, at least if you're Michelle's desperate older sister Tina (Amanda Peet). She's in LA ostensibly to see her sister, but actually to reunite with tan, detached Craig (Ken Marino), whom she met when he was on a business trip in Houston. When he treats their fling like a fling, Tina responds with the maturity of someone whose preferred beverage is Boone's Farm.

4. Fro-yo.

Michelle and Brett make sure to have a date night (sometimes followed by fro-yo, if they're feeling particularly wild), but it's easier to go out and spend time together when they've dragged along Alex and Tina as well. Especially after Brett catches Michelle masturbating when he thinks she's napping—"Naptime is a little valuable," objects an angry Brett—and discovers she has some kinky fetishes.

5. Oreos.

Alex force-feeds one to Tina as they argue over who has the right to the Pierson's couch. I'm betting their giddy, abusive friendship will be the most fun relationship to watch over the next eight episodes.

All in all,Togetherness will have you laughing and questioning some of your life decisions. Hope the binge-eating helps with that.

1. Boyhood Wins Golden Globe For Best Picture Despite Being Actually Very Good

Richard Linklater's twelve-years-in-the-making coming-of-age story Boyhood received Golden Globe awards for Best Picture, Best Director and Best Actress last night, leading many critics to consider it a frontrunner for the Oscars, despite featuring no characters who are bravely dying from an incurable disease, solemnly fighting social injustice or played by Meryl Streep.

Boyhood is a realistic film about a young actor who works in Hollywood for over a decade and only makes one film. 5 out of 5 stars.

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 12, 2015

I liked Boyhood better when it was called my Bar Mitzvah montage.

— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) January 6, 2015

2. Jeffrey Tambor Wins Best Actor For Transparent, Becomes Icon For Non-Transgender Actors Playing Transgender People Worldwide

Transparent's Jeffrey Tambor made history last night by becoming the first actor to win a Golden Globe for portraying a transgender person onscreen. Tambor joins Jared Leto—who won an Academy Award last year for playing a transgender woman in the film Dallas Buyers Club—on an extremely exclusive list of winners that will probably be a little bit embarrassing in a decade or so.

Tambor's good but he dragged down The Ropers sitcom. I'll never forgive him.

— Shay Kitoff (@howardkremer) January 12, 2015

3. New Jersey Governor Mourns Playoff Loss Of Texas Football Team

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie—who made headlines last week after openly hugging the owner of the Dallas Cowboys after their wildcard win that advanced them into the playoffs—had his joy turned to sadness yesterday after the Texas football team, for which no self-respecting, Springsteen-loving Jersey boy has any business rooting, was knocked from playoff competition by the Green Bay Packers.

.@GovChristie, do you need a hug now? #GoPackGo#WinninginWiscopic.twitter.com/32zPv6krRy

— Paul Ryan (@PRyan) January 11, 2015

4. Discovery Channel To Give Innovative Non-Pseudoscientific-Garbage Programming Format A Try

New Discovery Channel president Rich Ross has promised viewers that they will no longer have to endure shows about giant alien snake ghosts that eat humans whole while traveling through time on the supposedly-science-based channel. "I don't think it's actually right for Discovery Channel," he explained. "And it's [a type of programming] that I think in some ways has run its course. I don't think you'll be sitting with me here next year asking me a question about something I put on—whether a series or a special—where that's the dilemma." Great news! From now on, it's just shows about naked crab fisherman fighting for their lives at rural antique shows 24/7.

Discovery Channel says there won't be any more stunts like the recent man-eating anaconda. They're quoted as saying "They don't want none."

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 11, 2015

5. Study: Dudes Who Take Tons Of Pictures Of Themselves Might Be Narcissists

Men who take a whole lot of selfies may show slightly higher levels of narcissism than men who are not constantly obsessing about themselves, according to a new study from Ohio State University. It's kind of shocking that this story isn't garnering bigger headlines, don't you think?

Invent a selfie stick that's also a vape pen and you will own the world's dumbasses.

— Scott Jacobson (@straintest) January 11, 2015

That is some high-quality sauce penmanship. I hope Pizza Hut pays whoever wrote that enough to keep them from going to a big-city pizza place.(via reddit)

To be fair, it's entirely possible that Pizza Hut is only mean to employees who decamp to Chicago or New York, where you're guaranteed to get better pizza than Pizza Hut no matter what hole-in-the-wall you walk into (especially in New York—eat it, Chicago!). Chicago is also home to the deep-dish pizza the Hut is most famous for, so they're probably very defensive. That being said, that BBQ sauce "Quitter" message looks really good. Almost good enough to warrant spending a few more years at Pizza Hut. Either that, or I really need to step away from my desk to go get lunch because my hunger is clouding my judgment.

Good luck, mystery (ex)Pizza Hut employee! I hope your decision to pursue success in Chicago works out, but if it doesn't, at least you can get a second "Quitter" pizza when you come crawling back to your hometown Hut.

Here's the secret formula for falling in love: ask each other a series of personal questions and then stare into each other's eyes for four straight minutes. That's it.

On Friday, the Times printed a "Modern Love" column by Mandy Len Catron, who followed these steps to fall in love with the guy she had a crush on. The method is based on the research of psychologist Arthur Aron. At least one couple who participated in Aron's love study, which brought together pairs of heterosexual strangers, got married after following Dr. Aron's instructions.

Here are some of the 36 questions from Aron's study:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Catron and the object of her affection—a "university acquaintance"—already had a thing for each other before they tried the experiment in a bar one night. Hours later, they'd created an "intimate space" by asking each other questions that ranged from the lighthearted ("When did you last sing to yourself?") to the probing ("Tell your partner what you like about them").

The four minutes of staring sealed the deal. "The real crux of the moment was not just that I was really seeing someone, but that I was seeing someone really seeing me," writes Catron.

Catron and her man are still together, though as she notes, their getting together "may have happened anyway." Even if Aron's study is a magical formula for creating romantic love, you still face the same obstacle you do in everyday life: getting the person you like to sit down and give it a try with you.

If you want to try this at home, here are the rest of the questions (start with 1-10 above). Each set of questions is intended to be more intimate and to make each participant feel more vulnerable:

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling ... "
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

What the stars might have been thinking on Hollywood's second biggest night.

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Congrats, Girls. You've reached a new low.

It's clear the Girls season premiere was going straight for shock value last night when, in an image I'll never be able to clear from my mind, Allison Williams wore a feather in her hair to perform during "Jazzy Brunch."

NSFW: They just kept showing it over and over. This show has no boundaries.

NSFW: Her acting is light as a feather, stiff as a board.

The horror.

I mean, I know Marnie is the least likable character on television, but this is bad even for her. Who wears a feather in their hair after they've just had their butthole motorboated????

By they way, Allison Williams got her butt eaten—or analingus, if you will. You won't?—in the third scene of Girls and it's like, how did they achieve that shot? Did they smear peanut butter on her crack to get Jizzy or Dino or whatever his name is to go to town like that? They must have put Peter Pan on Peter's Pan.

"I love you, too."

Find me one person who wasn't thinking about Brian Williams during this scene and I'll personally deliver the Nightly News while Ebon Moss-Bachrach blows bubbles up my crack.

Seriously though, far worse than having to endure her pitchy singing, that feather is an image I will forever be trying to scrub, like the dishes that sat next to Marnie as she had her balloon knot licked clean. That feather was so stomach churning, it should have been the Prime Minister's challenge in the first episode of Black Mirror, as opposed to having him boink that pig.

Ricky Martin could hold me for a million years, but it will never make it ok.

NSFW

Cringe moment runner up:

Peter Pan offering to "scat" for the audience. "Please don't."

Best line of the episode:

Shoshanna: "Both of my parents are named Mel. It's the worst thing that ever happened to me, and it's like the first thing that ever happened to me."

Check back Mondays after new episodes of Girls for more visceral reactions to Marnie's offensive fashion statements and to see if my predictions for the rest of the series will come true (Shoshanna and Elijah become the only likable characters, Adam has a "no, but" moment during improv classes, Hannah becomes a scarf).

The Insinuation Game.

That Benedict Cumberbatch! He sure is an impish fellow, is he not? Why, that bloke has had more experience bombing the photos of his fellow Hollywood actors than the Germans did bombing London into oblivion during WWII (which, come to think of it, does not quite strike the whimsical tone I was going for in this post).

Anyway, here he is at the Golden Globes last night popping up for a surprise appearance in a photo between Meryl Streep and Margaret Cho:

When they saw that picture, they were probably more shocked than computer genius and war hero Alan Turing (whom Cumberbatch played in The Imitation Game) was when when he learned that the United Kingdom was having him chemically castrated. (Yeesh! I am off my game today.)

5. Bill Cosby, because Tina Fey and Amy Poehler weren't afraid to make jokes at his expense last night.

(Getty)

It's tough out there for a formerly beloved comedian whose only crime is having been accused by at least 27 women of committing horrific acts of sexual abuse over the course of several decades. All Bill Cosby wants to do is live his life, make light of the multitudinous, nightmarish allegations made against him and methodically discredit the reputations of his possible victims with his team of private investigators, and now he has to deal with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler poking fun at him during their Golden Globes monologue last night? There was a 0.07 percent chance that he was gonna go a whole day without having his humanity called into question, but now that's out the window. —DD

4. Obama, because people are pissed he didn't show up to the Paris rally.

(Getty)

Why didn't Obama show up to the solidarity rally in Paris yesterday? His team must have known it would look bad to have a bunch of world leaders up there, arm in arm, with Obama missing (and presumably off playing golf at people's wedding venues). Yet the White House still hasn't issued a statement about his absence, only saying that his presence and the security detail he would have required would have been "a distraction." The real distraction was that there was no senior White House official representing the United States. At the very least, couldn't we have thrown them a Biden bone? —SRD

3. Jennifer Aniston, who woke up to the painful reality of getting snubbed throughout awards season.

(Getty)

She was just starting to feel like she was finally over being dumped by Brad, and now she has to go and get dumped by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Aniston famously stopped working out for her role as a chronic pain sufferer in her new dramatic movie Cake. If you're thinking "Jennifer Aniston was in a movie called Cake?" you'd better get used to that feeling. While she got the Golden Globe nom she was clearly angling for when she took the role, she ended up going home empty-handed last night after being beaten out by Julianne Moore (who knows her way around the "weird suffering role" from her starring turn in Todd Haynes's Safe). Since the Globes are a predictor for future trophies, she can probably expect the same letdown come Oscar night. Dammit, hasn't Jen been through enough? —BP

2. These unpaid interns who had to pay their own bosses to get a job reference.

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And you thought your unpaid internship was exploitative! Interns at UK thinktank Civitatis International not only had to pay to participate in a "Young Leaders" program, they also shelled out 300 pounds each for a job reference. These interns received so little from their internship they actually had a net loss just to get the one thing an internship is supposed to give you: proof of experience. I hope they stole a lot of office supplies. At least seeing this internship on someone's resume will help employers weed out potential new hires with terrible decision-making skills. —SRD

1. Anyone working in oil.

(Getty)

It's suddenly better to be buying oil than selling it. The price of crude hit a six-year low today, which is awesome if you're planning a cross-country drive and really sucky if you're, say, a Saudi prince. (Just checked with the Someecards ads guy and apparently 41% of our readership is Saudi princes—neat.) It's also probably not super great for the environment, since people tend to make decisions with their wallets and not their brains. —SRD

A guy went out for the night with his buddies. When he opened his phone, he found this.

You'll poke your eye out. (via Imgur)

I don't care how much you don't trust your boyfriend, if you have to take over his phone to leave scary photos of yourself as his wallpaper, you are officially nuts.

Pick a winner. (via Imgur)

Maybe the fact that you are crazy is why he loves you. Maybe the fact that you are crazy is why he needs to go out with his friends and turn his phone on airplane while he makes out with the girls who snuck into VIP. I don't know. Your relationship is your business.

What I do know is, you're nuts.

(Nice manicure, though. Also, how did your bf get Master Shake up there?)

3,410 people loved Crayola being hacked. (via Facebook)

Crayola is a 130-year-old art supplies company with a 99% name-recognition rate among Americans. It has helped raise and foster creativity in seven generations of Americans. Their Crayons have left an indelible, multi-colored mark on what it means to be a child.

Until yesterday, that is, when it inexplicably started posting a bunch of bunch of smutty clickbait links to Facebook, mostly about boobs, crotches and "S33x," whatever that is.

Totally. I HATE boobs with arrows sticking out of them.

Predictably, this turned out to be the result of a hack. What the hackers were after, besides sharing terrible-looking articles, however, is unclear.

Low-quality click-trash. How I yearn for the days of hot girls in not-funny t-shirts.

Today, I learned that Bee Stings and Mail Bags are the only non-food boob types

What was the result? It gained 4,000 new Facebook fans, almost all of them either during the hack or when news of it got out. Now, at 2.4 million fans, that's just a drop in the bucket, but you can see from Facebook's own analytics that it was a way-above-average day for gaining new fans for Crayola.

No, this graph is not part of the "types of boobs" chart.

Plus, the response of Crayola fans on Facebook was—and this is a word I almost never use when it comes to online discourse—measured, calm, and accepting of the fact that bad and embarrassing things happen, even to companies that make children's products.

Did I just click on a link to a more rational parallel universe? (via Facebook)

In conclusion, I'm not sure what's more disturbing here: the fact that our beloved crayon makers were temporarily turned into the junk-links section of a site aimed at 17-year-old boys, or the fact that no one felt like overreacting to it.

Reason #1: They found out their boyfriend clicks on articles like this.

I can't handle this. I need someone to make a mountain out of a molehill, stat! Oh, thank goodness, I just remembered that time Fox News attacked Crayola for making a "multi-cultural" box of Crayons that contained skin colors besides white (aka peach). Oh yeah, they also attacked them 19 years after the set initially came out in 1992 (as someone who was 7 in 1992, I can personally confirm that these were around and thoroughly uncontroversial among 7-year-olds).

Ahhhh.....that's the good stuff.