A more elegant weapon for a more civilized age.

Regardless of how far away your galaxy is, I think you'll find that people are pretty much the same all over. So, you just know that once word about Kylo Ren's cool three-pronged lightsaber starts to spread around the Galactic Empire, fancy impractical lightsabers are gonna become kind of a thing. Next thing you know, there's gonna be artisanal lightsaber shops opening up in Coruscant's hipster district and creatures who don't even have arms will spend days waiting in line to get the newest model from the lightsaber store.

This fan-made video of a future lightsaber battle should give you a slight idea of what to expect:

Because sports teach confidence!

Don't tell Paul this is just a kid's game. Don't tell Paul to sit down. Don't tell Paul to – oh, crap.

York Daily Record reports that this YouTube clip uploaded under the very apt title, "Crazy Hockey Dad" was likely filmed this past weekend at the York Ice Arena, during a youth hockey tournament. You'd probably guess that glass surrounding an arena where children get tossed around would be safer, and it is. Safety glass is designed to hold together under blunt force spread across the surface. Mr. Court-Side Ref here banged his pointy wedding ring, which created a concentrated impact that shattered it into sharp confetti.

"Way to go, Paul," says a voice off screen. Everyone waits to see if Crazy Hockey Dad is cowed. Then he yells more while pointing through the gaping hole his inappropriate anger created. What a break through!

Ellie Kemper stars in this new Netflix show from Tina Fey and Robert Carlock.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt was originally intended to air on NBC but was bought by Netflix, which has already ordered a second season. It stars Ellie Kemper (The Office) as Kimmy, who is rescued from a doomsday cult and moves to New York City to start a new life.

Kimmy quickly lands a job working as a nanny for Jane Krakowski's character, a rich, uptight Manhattanite. Krakowski's obviously perfect for a role that requires a likable snob, and if anyone can be relentlessly upbeat without being boring, it's Kemper. Our hopes for this show are as high as a small town girl who just arrived in the big city.

The first season will be available March 6 on Netflix, so make sure to get a doomsday's worth of viewing snacks in advance.

"Must get bone into hole!"

When viewing this video of an English Bulldog trying over and over and over again to get her rather large bone-shaped rawhide through a somewhat small doggie door, you might be tempted to interpret it as some sort of metaphor. You would be wrong to do that. This is simply a video of a dog trying to cram a bone into a tiny hole.

Sometimes a bone is just a bone.

And he still retrieved it.

Watching this ball boy get hit in the sack by a 121 MPH serve at the Australian Open makes me realize my dedication level at past internships wasn't what I thought. Standing in silence for hours under the blazing sun, then running in bursts to chase tennis balls sounds horrible. Getting your genitals smashed as a warm up? He just rolls with it. Make this Ball Boy a Ball Man, already.

This is also the only time I've ever seen a crowd politely applaud someone for getting hit in the nuts. That's class.

The Internet is a desperate vacuum where celebrities ask poor people to help fund their art, lonely guys travel the world with girls who have the same name as their exes, and now, couples invite complete strangers to their wedding to help pay for it.

These two nuts promise to think of you every time they get married. (via)

Irishman Patsy O'Connor and fiancé Radina Hadzhieva desperately want to get married in vegas because, as they say on their website, it's the only place where you can "kick someone in the nuts for a small fee, get your picture taken with a guy dressed in a g-string and fairy wings, throw little people about and see some of the most amazing street performers in the world."

AKA the most romantic place on earth.

To make their point of how special Vegas is as a wedding destination, they included this montage of half naked women on Freemont street asking the camera operator if they were being filmed:

Romantic, no?

Unfortunately, even though they have the vegas itch, they don't have the scratch. That's where anyone with at least $300 dollars to spare comes in. Patsy and Radina have opened up 6 seats at their wedding for total strangers to bid on and attend their wedding. Per their website, GateCrashMyWedding.com, "The concept is pretty simple. We would like 6 random strangers at our Las Vegas wedding, but you have to bid for this privilege!"

I'm not so sure I want to be a random stranger at your wedding. What's in it for me?

"How many times in your life will you get the chance to attend a Vegas wedding, especially the day before St. Patrick's Day. Well now you can…. All you have to do is bid for the privilege! Why not join us on our great adventure? Sure what have you got to lose?"

Ummm.... $300 and my time?

They promise at least this much fun:

"The wedding consists of a matrimonial ceremony, a full sit down meal, open bar, character filled and fun fuelled [sic] guest list, DJ, dancing and general all round [sic] shenanigans! After the event we will be heading down to Fremont Street to continue the party."

Oh, well why didn't you say it would be like going to a wedding???

Plus you get the privilege of hanging with their awesome friends:

Evidence of cool friends. (via)

"Our wedding guests are our closest friends. They come from different continents and islands. Diverse, colourful and simply brilliant – each one of them can make you laugh, cry, or shit your pants in a matter of minutes."

I want to do at least two of those things! Which one will have me shit my pants? Is it Mick Wakefield?

Interested parties better get a move on, as of this posting, only 5 of the 6 seats are still available to be bid on.

Hopefully there are 6 suckers born every 28 days. (via)

The price can only go up from here but probably won't.

If you do miss out on your chance to pay to see these strangers get hitched, you can always become a sponsor!

Give them money and they will hand it directly to a dealer or a cartoon mouse! (via)

Hurry up, or you'll miss the opportunity to hang with two people who made this:

Jail time comes to mind. (via)

Seriously though, anyone wanna spot me $300 and airfare to Vegas? I kinda wanna go.

Some students deserve their debt.

Even the spirits from The Shining would have run away from these kids.

The University of Michigan chapter of Sigma Alpha Mu, or Sammy as they were called at my school, is in the spotlight for their bold demonstrations over the Martin Luther King Day weekend... demonstrations of what gigantic buttholes they are.

Destruction following alleged @umich#fraternity Sigma Alpha Mu party at Treetop ski resort. $50K+ in damages #local4pic.twitter.com/ZesHn7uJVv
— Priya Mann (@Local4Priya) January 21, 2015

Members of the fraternity went on a trip to the Treetops ski resort in central Michigan for the long weekend, and instead of reflecting on the legacy of Dr. King, they opted to engage in a days-long rager that ended with the group being escorted from the hotel by police and taken back to U of M.

Treetops manager Barry Owens says his hotel suffered $50,000 in damages to furniture, carpets, ceilings and walls. Guests also reported that the stench of vomit permeated the entire resort, and apparently there were so many incidents of bodily fluids contaminating the rooms and halls that a specialized hazmat team had to come and sanitize the area.

Butthole headquarters in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Knocks to the chapter house's front door are currently going unanswered, however Sigma Alpha Mu's president did release this attempt at contrition:

"We are embarrassed and ashamed of the behavior of a few of our chapter members at the Treetops Resort over the weekend of January 17-18. This behavior is inconsistent with the values, policies, and practices of this organization. Our chapter accepts full responsibility for this incident and we will be working with the management of the resort to pay for all damages and cleaning costs. We will work within our own organization and with university officials to hold those who are responsible accountable for their actions. There will be no further comment from this chapter or organization regarding this matter."
-- Joshua Kaplan, Chapter President

In a second incident, members of two other U of M frats were suspected of causing thousands of dollars in damages to condominiums at the Boyne Highlands ski resort in the north of the Lower Peninsula. The administrators of the condos are opting to keep that incident private and away from press and police.

RabbiJason : Sigma Alpha Mu #Michigan frat members decided to redecorate ski resort http://t.co/7rTwlOZZmA#SAM... pic.twitter.com/PWbWO3YkZj
— Joe Francis (@joefrancis) January 21, 2015

Here is a statement from the University's spokesman, Rick Fitzgerald,

"We are very disappointed in the behavior of some of our students during a weekend visit to two northern Michigan ski resorts. I want to assure you that the organizations and the individuals involved will be held accountable for their actions. While we are still gathering information, we understand that the damage at Treetops Resort and Boyne Highlands is expected to total in the thousands of dollars. U-M staff members in the Office of Greek Life have begun meeting with the presidents of the fraternities and sororities involved. We expect full payment for all damages. The local Greek chapters are in the process of notifying their national organizations, which could bring their own sanctions. We are confident the national organizations will take this seriously and will work through this situation in collaboration with the university. Additionally, these incidents will be addressed through the Greek Life student judiciary process on our campus."

On the other hand, even if these guys need to keep things quiet during rush next year, at least everyone already knows they can party...

Not only cuter, now with higher ethics!

It's Team Ruff vs. Team Tuff, and that's really all you need to know. The 11th annual Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet promises to be as cute as ever, but it has a big advantage over its human competition this year since none of the players even have balls to deflate anymore.

See also: Finally, a Cialis product for Patriot players with deflated balls.

A water main broke in a small Russian town and it immediately became a "frozen flood."

As these pictures show from the small town of Dudinka, Russia, It was not a very good day to leave your car on the street, and now dozens of them are three feet deep in ice.

According to EnglishRussia, authorities asked that locals "constrain from publishing comments or photos on Internet. But you know, once posted cannot be unposted."

How cold does it need to get for something like this to happen? Today it was -28 F in Dudinka.

Much like Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head (allegedly) it is not likely these cars will be salvageable once they melt. Even so, in some places in Russia, the ice doesn't melt until June.

It is said that there is also a problem in that town with the local power plant, which is leaving many with little heat or electricity, and many homes are only getting as warm as 40F.

It really is the worst one-two punch. Good luck Dudinka!

All photos via EnglishRussia

Dogfish Head brewery has their new mascot.

According to YouTuber Bryce Lund, his chocolate lab Jordy has taught himself to swim deeper and deeper "to get rocks." This clip was shot in the Smith River near Crescent City, CA, the deepest body of water he's ever been in and, as Lund puts it, he "went straight to the bottom."

Here's Jordy making a shallower dive with a GoPro harness attached.

He's like if James Cameron was a dog. No body of water he doesn't want to be filmed racing to the bottom of.

This is an aristocratic household. Kettle Corn only! (Via)

Whether you're in your post-college years or your mid-forties and sleeping in your old room at your parents' house, the roommate situation is a hotbed of hostility and spoiled food-borne illness. Eventually, the unwashed dishes and random pubic hair discoveries become too much to bear, and accusations and apologies are exchanged in pointed, often wonderfully clever notes. Here are some of our favorites that reveal way too much about the gross ways in which non-sex-having humans tend to co-habitate.

This could lead to your broke roommate supplementing his income by stuffing rags down the toilet every morning.(Via)

Your roommates are here for you Fat Dan. Helping you is delicious.(Via)

The day Rob helped Matt go from arachnophobe to agoraphobe.(Via)

It's a fun living situation when everyone gets their own tp-buying logo.(Via)

These dudes should offer their services to help fight Matt and Rob's spiders.(Via)

Updated 12/16/14:

By the looks of Alex, it might never be alcoholism for him.(via)

Sounds like a fair, creepy deal.(via)

The title begins with "Roommate took Adderall..."(via)

When grieving over Buffy's loss gets awkward.(via)

Card? He deserves a trophy.(via)

To clarify, Jesse's mom makes pies, does not want him dead.(via)

Updated 10.20.14

This may as well say "look in the garage!"(via)

Not all Dads are comfortable saying "I love you."(via)

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"Mom/Dad [illegible]" - Your Drunk Daughter(via)

Thanks for the heads up, Richard.(via)

Letter from a Birmingham kitchen.(via)

She forgot the part about cake.(via)

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Updated 10.20.14

Noted, Grumpy Roommate.(via)

When Dad finds Mom's to-do list.(via)

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I would leave it on just for the thrill of it.(via)

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That's like a regular stopper, only angrier.(via)

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This is going to be one paranoid flu season.(via)

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Looks like one steak will do.(via)

Passive, aggressive, and beautiful.(via)

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Definitely beats a sticky note.(via)

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To err is human, to forgive is bacon.(via)

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Looks like we need bananas... and paper.(via)

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Shitty poetry.(via)

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On the other hand, brownies!(via)

Updated 8.27.14

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pops.(via)

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And look for an apartment like you live with a psycho.(via)

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Typical delicious/aggressive behavior.(via)

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A few more letters and it would've been done, dick. (via)

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Fucking love you too, Dad.(via)

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Thanks for the "$5.00," Colleen!(via)

Updated 8.27.14

A stoner roommate could read that the wrong way.(via)

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Impressive, if he actually reached the milk.(via)

Why, when there's a perfectly usable sheet left?(via)

Too good to be mad about. Unless it's not head hair.(via)

Hope he likes cold pizza. (via)

That looks oddly delicious. Also, "honeys" count as roommates when they act like this.
(via)

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The artist couldn't sign his work due to a broken hand. (via)

My instincts tell me that was no accident.(via)

Or, you could've just written "pay bills."(via)

A sign that you're probably too old to have roommates.(via)

"I could change the roll, or take out my phone and..."(via)

It's impossible to read that without hearing his voice.(via)

Updated 6.05.14

It's the thought that counts.(via)

Thanks for the pancakes, Mr. Pinkman.(via)

The man in the mirror is a huge dick.(via)

Yep, that says "puke."(via)

Even his notes stink. (via)

First line of the worst porno ever. (via)

Updated 5.05.14

Mistakes are life's tasty lessons. (via)

"Why yes, toilet paper roll, I -- dammit!" (via)

The old "How to Get Your New Roommate Naked with a Spider Note" trick.(via)

"Ew, ew, Captain."(via)

Good luck with that auto-erotic asphyxiation.(via)

TL;DR already packing my stuff.(via)

Updated 4/04/14

I guess the short answer is "maybe?" (via)

Great weed. Bad idea.(via)

You would, dick head.(via)

"Who's been slut-shaming my soda?"(via)

How many ways are there to use a plunger, Kevin? (via)

I've always wondered how to play craps.(via)

Updated 3/08/14

I bet this guy is high maintenance.(via)

If a sock means "sex," I don't want to know what this is for.(via)

I've had roommates that would see this and think "pan roasted dove!"(via)

This message is probably more for the guys.(via)

Smart Water for a smart ass.(via)

How a true butthole pays his rent. (via)

Updated 1/08/14

Given a choice, I'd rather eat pizza that the cats nibbled on. (via)

Things can't be that bad if you're still getting wi-fi. (via)

If these get eaten it's time for a new roommate. (via)

Not bad, but it may get confusing when you try to store poops. (via)

It that's where they keep the milk, tossing it might not be a bad idea. (via)

Not cool. But at least you get to eat the Pixie Sticks. (via)

Updated 12/11/13:

Ouch. You just got out passive-aggressioned.

Um...are there drugs in it?

In this case, honesty is the weirdest policy.

Pretty nice of them to capture it, actually.

They don't. Someecards probably does, though.

No smiley face, Cindy?

Updated 11/13/13:

Also, boyfriends are like dirty clothes; don't leave yours on the floor.

"I feel more comfortable complaining about the notes by note."

I'm impressed it responds to anything at all.

Great method for dealing with lazy ant roommates.

Then I have to get my shit together enough to actually clean it. Two-three weeks?

Pretty cheap for either.

Updated 10/15/13:

You don't need to have roommates for this to be a terrific idea.

The most considerate possible reaction to finding your roommate peed all over the floor.

Seems like a much, much grosser solution than just flushing.

The spider was in the midst of writing his own tiny note:
"Got stuck in god damn cereal today...fuck."

Because pooping just isn't exciting enough.

Chris may be going to the gay club, but he likes boobs, you understand?

Updated 9/17/13:

Not sure that post-script was necessary.

Hunter, live up to your name!

Better than: "Give a call or you might see a ball."

He died as he lived: with power tools.

But evidently not magnetic poetry.

Yeah right, like anyone's gonna steal a Lean Pocket over a French bread pizza.

Updated 8/16/13:

With the cost of avocados today, that's only about a quarter for your trouble.

Please clean up your insects after yourself.

Ooh, burned by a white board meme.

Also I prefer to be called Reginald, thanks.

Now that's just common disgusting courtesy.

It's worth it! It's stifling in here!

Updated 7/22/13:

We wouldn't want to be part of such a hairy roommate arrangement.

Why write 3 separate notes when all your issues can be encompassed in one?

Beware. The spiders have their own tally.

Monday night is trashnacht.

Clint starts fires!

As far as we're concerned, as long as his penis only touched the outside, it's still good.

Updated 6/20/13:

Wait. We have a cat?

And bread and to come to terms with our parents' divorce.

We'd honestly prefer this type of sign to be set up on all tp-less toilets.

4. Have craziest night ever!

It's the number for his Murderers Anonymous group.

No matter how bad they are, we still want one.

Updated 5/24/13:

Unfortunately, that stuff looks like what's been on CNN every day.

"FapNapping" needs no translation.

So, I'll just leave the knives there...and this note you can't read in the dark.

We'd rather be hunted by teens than chase a spider.

Sorry. Cat available for petting trumps human in need of sleeping.

We stopped trusting you when you left us something to flush.

Updated 4/23/13:

This could work out really well for the boyfriend.

Aim for the head.

How does the artist know the shitter is jubilant?

Like that Al Pacino movie "Insomnia," except with smellier fingers.

She has loud sex that she has to apologize for AND access to cinnamon rolls? Want her life.

Doing dishes sucks. We'll take the cocks.

Updated 3/18/13:

Just do it, no matter what "it" may be.

Also enrolled you in a scientology course, hope that's cool!

No one is more concerned about Susie collecting cat piss than the cat.

Not going to try and prove you wrong.

Joe already gives his teeth Flintstone chewables. He shouldn't be doubling up.

Many roommates have lost themselves in the endless piss-seat loop.

Ben Kingsley was excellent in this kitchen.

Updated 2/8/13:

This is considerate, and it doesn't judge those who do want such things.

Who can keep from passing out long enough for a hot pocket to cook?

The roommate is staring at that last sip, checking his watch, waiting...waiting...

How can we add "or when you're awake" to the deal?

8:40, or, if you're into it, 8:45. Whatever works for you. I'm not a "rules" guy. Oops, vomiting.

Lease plainly states, "Write your 30 days notice on some cardboard before moving out."

Updated 1/14/13:

Jeff is bad at bribes.

11) No asking why I am this way. Just know that I have been hurt before and it won't happen again.

Raisin Bran tastes so much better carbonated.

High people tell the worst stories.

No wonder Michael's catch-phrase is "I prefer to stand."

Seems legit.

Thank God "Peanut butter 4 my balls" wasn't included in "Sandwich Stuff."

Updated 12/5/12:

I think you're confusing your your Sammy LJ roles but the point still stands.

Average male-female rooming ratio: 80% of the fridge belongs to female, 80% consumed by male.

Does her/his roommate only have one fork? That might be the larger problem.

That means you, Alex. I'm saving this spider for when I get up in the morning!!!

Let's just hope that there is an emergency and this person's life is improved by cleansing fire.

Thank you, Jay. Jaq? Jag? The point is, what a polite note of depravity.

Prophet Eric earlier prophesied a wrathful plague of deleted DVR episodes, and verily 'twas true.

And it was then Chris realized the Boyz would never advance 2 Men.

Posted 11/14/12:

Everyone spent the next few days walking very gingerly around the apartment.

And you thought younger generations don't send thank you notes anymore.

And from then on, Sajid would never wear underwear ever again.

T.J really likes to sleep if the main issue with someone peeing on the floor is the noise it makes.

Thanks Brendon. Enjoy...um..."Fagtown?"

Use the wings you've been given to fly far away by the end of the month.

Updated 10/8/12:

Nothing tears apart an apartment share like a baked good suicide.

If you have time to learn to read and write in English, you have time to clean your own puke.

Cockjuggling used to be big before Puppetry Of The Penis swept the nation.

He seems like a good listener.

Trickle down government is trickling really far.

In our day a sock on the door handle meant "I Hope You Die" but we were classier then.

Guess "All Of The Above" is fair game then?

Sad thing is the cashier at CPK wrote that.

Updated 9/7/12:

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Updated 1/10/11:

Posted 12/1/11:

At The Loom, we know hot sex. We also know what it's like to be in a relationship that is at least six months old. Here are hottest real sex tips for couples comfortable enough to fart in front of each other.

1. Spice things up by trying it doggy style.

He'll love the view of the TV over your shoulder, and so will you. It's a Sunday night and The Good Wife is on!

2. Put a doughnut around his penis.

Then eat that doughnut and go relax with a good book. A doughnut is delicious, and you've earned a treat.

3. Role play as your younger, thinner selves.

Remember when you could eat entire bags of Chex Mix and your body metabolized it like a nice mixed greens salad? Close your eyes and pretend to be that free, sexy girl—the one you were before you started paying back your student loans. Let him role play as the version of himself that still believed his band might make it. Then watch those sparks fly.

4. Watch porn.

Separately.

5. Make him your slave.

By exchanging sex for household chores. Sure, you'll let him put it there…if he vacuums first.

6. Have sex instead of resolving a conflict.

Push aside your worries about your ultimate incompatibility and save that difficult conversation for later…eventually…someday.

7. Surprise him by getting a sexy wax treatment.

But don't bother shaving your legs. He's seen your legs. He doesn't really care. Probably.

8. Keep your top on.

He'll think it's mysterious. Plus, you had a big lunch.

9. Forget to tell him you're having your period.

He won't be grossed out, since he's the one who picked the Tampax up from the store for you.

10. Buy beautiful, seductive lingerie.

Wear it once, then put in the back of your drawer under your pajama pants.

We're all subjecting our kids to weird and hilarious things behind closed doors.

No one's perfect, so why do moms still spend so much time feeling guilty for all the little shortcuts we take and mistakes we make in a long day? They probably won't ruin our kids forever! (Though I wouldn't really recommend "this probably won't ruin my kid forever" as the only metric for whether you do something or not.)

Sarah Showfety, creator of Dear Baby XO, found that making fun of all the idiotic things her infant daughter had to put up with made her laugh again—and that made being a new mom a hell of a lot easier to take.

Here are some of our favorites:

Okay, that one hit a little too close to home.

See more apologies at Dear Baby XO.

"Hey, spirits. Y'all look creepy."

I really dig these nonsensical Bad Lip Reading interpretations of clips from the NFL, because they give me some insight into what football games must be like for my non-sports-watching friends.

It's also what an episode of Real Housewives of Anywhere is like for me.

Find out if your Facebook behavior is about to lose you some friends.

Turns out, if Robin Hood really held his bows in a quiver behind his back, he was an idiot.

In a world full of people who use guns, Lars Anderson is the only guy to take the time to study ancient texts and learn how war archers really used the bow and arrow. In the real world, quivers are for jerks, and will fall everywhere if you are trying to run with them. Instead, holding your bows in the hand that you pull with is way faster once you've mastered the skill.

This method enabled great archers (and Lars) to shoot much faster and at much shorter distances than those dorks trying to hit bulls-eyes at archery ranges. Lars can shoot three arrows in 0.6 seconds, and can even snatch enemy arrows out of the freaking air with his bare hands and fire them right back. This event alone makes the video totally worth watching (at 3:04)