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You oughta know.


Belichick yourself.

Phoenix weatherman remains professional while his weather map goes completely bonkers.

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Just look at these temps and tell me climate change isn't real.

Cory McCloskey bravely delivers the weather while parts of the Phoenix-metro area boil with the fury of a thousand suns.

"I'm not authorized to evacuate Ahwatukee, but this temperature seems pretty high," McClosky warns of Fox 10's "Acuweather" reading of 1270F, and you have to trust the weather prediction when it is "Acu-."

Good thing De Blasio isn't a mayor in Arizona, or Phoenix would have been shut down for at least a week.

Cory moves on to discuss Cave Creek, where the temperature is reading at 2690F.

"Steel boils at these temperatures, so don't even bother looting up there. It's not going to be worth it. I'm not your dad, but I would get out."

But it's a dry 2690F.

Here's how women's ideal body types have changed throughout history.

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Guess what? Your body not only doesn't measure up to today's beauty standards. It would have been lacking throughout history.

Doesn't that make you feel better?

BuzzFeed has put together a video that features a model with the ideal body type for different periods and cultures throughout history—from the slender, high-waisted Ancient Egyptian to the big-breasted, ample-buttocks-having woman of today.

It is always comforting to think about how the Renaissance Italians valued plumpness, isn't it?

But I don't think that's meant to be the point. The point is that beauty standards are not only unattainable, they're always changing. And chasing an unattainable ideal sounds like way less fun than eating an entire sleeve of Oreos.

'The Daily Show' rounds up the most overblown news coverage of Winter Storm Juno.

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The day NYC was buried in hype.

The news media has a major problem with accurately reporting weather that hits New York City. The problem is that the news media lives in New York City, and they think that the weather affecting the 2.5% of the country in the five boroughs is national news for everyone else. This navel gazing, combined with years of practice at turning non-stories into exaggerated news graphics and life-or-death narratives, can create some pretty embarrassing moments for us New Yorkers. We know that the media is just lazy and like talking about themselves, and so does Jon Stewart, who takes cable news to task for its blizzard bluster.

(Let's not forget our mayor. He got burned by snowstorms last year, so this year he shut down the subway, which is DEFCON 1 for us. He's a bit excitable.)

Sometimes they're right—if a major storm like Hurricane Sandy messes up the lives of 8.5 million people and disrupts an economy with an annual GDP of $1.4 trillion, that's news (plus, let's face it, weather looks cooler in between skyscrapers). More often, they're wrong, and not only do they spend an embarrassing amount of time looking at lots of nothing in the Big Apple, they ignore the nearby region that's being buried by dangerous levels of snow.

But hey, if you can make up news stories here, you can make them up anywhere.

Teddy Bear the Porcupine goes for his fourth correct Super Bowl prediction in a row.

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Like Groundhog Day except there's a lot more money riding on it.


I want that corn tested for proper inflation levels.

Americans love football, Americans love winners, and Americans love believing that ground animals have prophetic powers and can predict the future. Put all those things together and what do you get? A famous porcupine who has correctly predicted the winner of all football for the past three years in a row (which, to be fair, is a 100% accuracy rate). This year, he's making his riskiest bet yet that the Seahawks will come back to win again. I suppose he thinks all the scandals might be distracting the Patriots in practice before the big game.

(Just a heads up, they show the past few years before getting to the upcoming game)

We've written about Teddy Bear before for reasons besides his psychic powers—namely, the fact that he talks like an amused little alien when he eats pumpkins.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - January 28, 2015

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1. Mormon Church Calls For Something That Sort Of Looks A Little Like Gay Rights

In a somewhat transparent bid to retain the right to discriminate against gay people in the face of mounting public opposition, Mormon leaders are coming out in support of state-sanctioned housing and job protections for homosexuals in exchange for being exempt from having to change anything at all about their organization's anti-gay policies. Seems like a good deal! The gay community should jump on it!


2. Colorado Residents To Get Pot-Tax Refund That They Can Use To Buy More Pot

After experiencing a massive spike in tax revenues from legal marijuana sales, Colorado may be forced to give about $30 million back to taxpayers, due to an article in the state constitution limiting the amount the state can take from residents. Those receiving refund checks are free to spend it on whatever they like, be it pizza, tortilla chips or Ben & Jerry's ice cream.


3. Louis CK Self-Releases New Show, Says Tearful Goodbye To Comedy Clubs and Settles DeflateGate All In One Day

So far this week, comedian/television auteur Louis CK released his newest self-produced stand-up comedy special through his website for $5, delivered a lengthy and heartfelt essay on his happy experiences working the comedy club circuit to members of his mailing list and made a succinct and funny point about the New England Patriots's ball-deflating scandal as a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman. He accomplished all of that within one 24-hour period. He hasn't done anything noteworthy so far today.



4. Chris Pratt Being Considered For Indiana Jones Reboot, Every Action Movie For Next Twenty Years

After kind of playing Han Solo in last year's blockbuster space opera Guardians of the Galaxy, Chris Pratt might be co-opting another one of Harrison Ford's iconic roles, when Disney begins pumping out new chapters in the Indiana Jones franchise. This is the first piece of good news concerning the unnecessary remake, though what I'm really excited about is his eventual Oscar-worthy performance work in the inevitable Regarding Henry reboot.


5. Amanda Peet Tried So Hard To Keep You From Getting Your Precious Game of Thrones

Luckily for all of us, Game of Thrones co-creator David Benioff doesn't give much credence to his wife Amanda Peet's opinions or advice, or else he would never have gotten involved with the ridiculously popular HBO fantasy series. "I thought it was a terrible idea. Terrible," she told Conan O'Brien. "Silly. Like Dungeons and Dragons but real with real people." Right! That's exactly why we love it!


This sublimely weird music video of guys rocking out in scary baby masks is why the Internet exists.

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Good Old Fashioned Internet-Weird

If America can be summed up by "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" and France can be summed up with "Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité," then the Internet can be summed up with...whatever the hell this is.* Not with words, obviously, but with the feeling that grown men making a funky music video with terrifying screaming baby masks in front of an incomprehensible fantasy landscape gives you. This feeling can be achieved in many different ways. Ways that look nothing like this. Ways like "Too Many Cooks" (which didn't even debut on the Internet) or even just a weird guy who spent $150k to look like Kim Kardashian. It's just...The Internet...y'know?

*This is "Newborns" by Bass For Days, featuring Dave Davidson (really?) & Nicky Shinz (yep, these guys are weird).


2 Chainz might be running for mayor of his hometown of College Park.

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Now that 2 Chainz has mastered the political debate on cable news, he is ready for the next step: Mayor.


Like most politicians, 2 Chainz is already telling the public "I'm different."
(via Getty Images)

In an interview with XXL, 2 Chainz said fans are encouraging him to run for mayor of his hometown College Park, GA based on his success at verbally sparring with human hair helmet Nancy Grace.

"I'm a musician, not a politician," he told XXL. "I'm supposed to be running for mayor in College Park. I got everybody wishing. I'm really gonna do this little mayor thing in College Park. I'm just trying to make sure I have the right qualifications."

One of the right qualifications he would need is to maintain a residency in College Park. Chainz is currently registered to vote in the nearby town of Palmetto.

If he does chain his duckz in a row, he would be going up against 20-year incumbent Jack Longino, who dismissed the concerns that Chainz could win while simultaneously validating Chainz's candidacy by acknowledging it. Longino told the Daily Beast that if 2 Chainz "actually lives in College Park and wants to run and signs up, we'll let the people decide."


Not big into "the rap." (via Vimeo)

"I didn't know who he was, but I'm not a big rapper," Longino said. "I'm a country-western guy. I don't listen to the rap."

In Longino's experience, listening to "the rap" makes a person a "big rapper." If this is the guy College Park has been voting for for the last 20 years, Chainz could have his work cut out for him.

Or, he could just import his constituency


Another possible problem 2 Chainz could face could be name recognition if he is required to get on the ballot with his born name, Tauheed Epps. Maybe they can make an arrangement to meet in the middle with his first nickname, "Tity Boi."

Mayor Tity Boi. It has a ring to it.

World's biggest soccer star surprises a kid after playing with him in disguise.

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Real Madrid? More like Illusion Madrid! What? 'Real' means 'royal'? I don't get soccer.


"Now don't be a little jerk and go rooting for Atletico. You're MY fan, now."

America's favorite pastime may be pretending to have never heard of the world's favorite pastime, soccer (or whatever else it's called), but even we are aware that some dude named Christiano Ronaldo is a super big deal. Do we know enough to tell him apart from the other (now retired) huge deal named Ronaldo? No. But we know that some dude named Ronaldo is the biggest deal since some dude named Maradona, who was himself the new some dude named Pelé. My understanding is that they even made a miniature version of him named Ronaldinho (haha please don't kill me, Brazil fans).

(The big reveal comes after 1:30)

The bottom line is that even the arrogant Yankees are aware that the Real Madrid player is such a superstar that he pretty much made this kid's life by playing some pick-up ball with him while wearing a disguise. Also, that kid is going to brag about kicking the ball away forever.

That he actually has to wear an elaborate disguise to walk the streets of Madrid should also convey what a gigantic celebrity he is. He may have gotten a red card and a two-game suspension this weekend, but the top-scoring Portuguese player of all time should have been given a gold card (those don't exist) for his class-act performance in signing this kid's ball and then revealing himself like Gene Parmesan in Arrested Development.

May I recommend just visiting America, Ronaldo, if you don't want to wear a disguise? It also takes a lot less to impress us, ball-skills wise. You just have to dribble it on your knee 10 times and you're pretty much guaranteed an audience on any college campus.

Students who built 11-foot-tall snow penis fail to stop university from bulldozing it.

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Snow penis, we hardly knew ye.

I write these words with a heavy heart, as I have just learned of the destruction (as well as the existence) of the 11-foot phallus lovingly crafted from snow by the students of Texas Tech University in Lubbock, Texas. Though the frozen sculpture only stood for a short while, it will forever represent our best efforts in penis-themed campus shenanigans.

And while its creators did fight valiantly to halt the mechanical menace of a university-hired bulldozing machine—forming human barricades and attempting to cover it in a layer of indestructible ice—their efforts ultimately proved fruitless, and Texas became a bit colder for the loss of great art:

Goodbye, 11-foot snow dick. You will always stand erect in our hearts and minds.

Here's the "50 Shades of Grey"-inspired ad that Domino's Pizza doesn't want you to see.

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The reason they don't want you to see it is that it's terrifying.


Putting the "dom" in Domino's.

Look, we're all a bit confused by the outsized popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey books. And with the movie coming out in two weeks, people in the media are scrambling to figure out the best way to capitalize on the short-term mainstreaming of BDSM. How much is appropriate to show? Is this indecent? Is that infantilizing? It's very confusing.

So, I can almost understand where this advertising agency was coming from when they pitched this ad to Domino's for their spicy Sriracha Pizza.

Almost:


Mmmmmmm... Pizza?

It kind of goes without saying that Domino's took a pass on this one. Leather and chains is kind of off brand for the Michigan-based pizza delivery chain.

However, lest you think this is simply a bit of Internet jetsam, photoshopped by some kid in his bedroom, Domino's spokesperson Tim McIntyre assured People that this is on the level. "It's real," he said. "The ad was created and pitched by an agency to the independent franchise in Israel."

He also clarified that it was never actually supposed to be seen by you or I, and he explained why:

"It never 'officially' appeared anywhere, because it was ill-advised, unfunny and not brand-appropriate. In a word, it was stupid."

If that's the case, then maybe this would have been better received if it had been pitched as a tie-in with the new Johnny Depp movie Mortdecai.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to scald my soft flesh with a slice of molten hot pizza.

Teacher helps an entire school overcome their fear of making awesome dance videos.

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If it ain't broke, do it again bigger and better.

It's been a while since a continuous dance sequence that's been meticulously planned out by the student body and one of their more endearingly lame (but surprisingly groovy) teachers has swept the Web, but this entry in the venerated genre from the A. Maceo Smith New Tech High School cannot be ignored. The students of the magnet school in Dallas collaborated with their teacher Scot Pankey to create this massive dance sequence that spanned the whole school.

Even the wholesome message of their video has managed to crack my cynical blogger's shell:

This is a great example of how a bunch of technology students let go of their fears, trusted their teacher and got down to Uptown Funk!!!

Indeed, students of every variety seem to let go of the inhibition that grips most teenagers and just let themselves be awesome for a moment as they jammed out to Mark Ronson's 'Uptown Funk' (ft. Bruno Mars). Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go find something to be snarky about.

Girl forced to wear winter coat at school dance because her dress might give boys boners.

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15-year-old Utah high school student Gabi Finlayson was forced to shuffle around her school's dance in a winter coat like a bird lady because her dress was "too inappropriate."


NSFW (Utah only)
(via KUTV)

Don't go to a school dance in Lone Peak, Utah without your shoulders fully covered, or you may become guilty of driving a teenage boy to erectile madness.

Apparently, the school's guidelines for dressing had been developed from a "community standard," and that all the students were made aware of them ahead of time.

Dresses must have a 2" minimum for their straps and the backs are not allowed to go below the shoulder blade. Cleavage covered.

Gabi says she was aware of the guidelines, and even altered the dress she bought in Paris to ensure that she was following them.

Nevertheless, when she entered the dance, she was told she would need to wear a shawl or coat to cover her shoulders up. Gabi was too embarrassed to make a scene about it, so she got her winter coat from her car and wore that for the rest of the night.

But, she was rightfully pissed.


Not my penis, not my problem. (via KUTV)

"Somehow my shoulders are sexualized," Finlayson told KUTV. "Like it's my responsibility to make sure the boys' thoughts are not unclean."

I pity anyone tasked with making sure boy's thoughts are not unclean. Tell the girls they need to have 2" straps all you want, but teenage boys can get turned on by stuffed horses.

Adding to the insult, only 4 out of the 1200 students in attendance were asked to cover up, and seemingly at random.

"There were a lot of dresses that were very short, very tight, a lot more exposing or revealing than mine."

That's bullshit. Either everyone wears a sleeping bag to the dance, or no one does.

Mom was pissed, too.

"Maybe instead of teaching girls they should cover themselves up, we should be teaching boys that we're not just sex objects that you can look at and derive pleasure," said Finlayson's mom, Kristy Kimball.

Bravo, lady. Modesty is a state of mind.

The whole thing is steeped deep in irony, as this all happened at the school's "preference dance," which is when the girls get to ask the guys out, instead of the other way around.

Apparently, the only choice these girls are entitled to make is which boy they prefer to prevent from getting turned on.

This is the Budweiser puppy ad all your friends are pretending not to sob over today.

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I want to buy the beer that made me cry.

You may have heard an odd sound on the Internet today; the sound of grown-ass beer drinkers quietly sniffing back tears as they watched a 1-minute ad about a lost Labrador Retriever puppy re-enacting a very abridged version of Homeward Bound.

Technically, it's a Super Bowl ad for Budweiser, but it's 2015 and we don't do silly things like premiere Super Bowl ads during the Super Bowl anymore. Even though they were supposed to be retired, the Budweiser Clydesdales also make an appearance in the commercial to rescue their new friend the Budweiser Puppy from the Budweiser Wolf.

Personally, I want to see more of the Budweiser Wolf. He seems like he's up for (eating) anything, but I guess that makes him more of a Bud Light guy.


This UPS man will toss a package over your fence and then take a piss on your house.

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A "missed you" note is more customary.

In defense of this UPS delivery guy who destroyed a customer's package by throwing it over a gate on to the cement below before whipping out his schlong and taking a wizz on the side of the customer's house, he probably had to go to the bathroom and didn't care very much about his job.

So, you know, you gotta look at both sides of the story:

The good news is that this guy was fired.

Which means there's an experienced delivery associate in the Houston area just waiting to get snatched up by some lucky company.

Here's a compilation of the craziest cat one man ever dared to love.

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The cat's name is Luna. Gotta be short for Lunatic.

Lots of people think their cat is nuts, but emlodrone took that extra step and documented all of those unpredictable moments, even going so far as to set up time lapses just to document the insanity.

Luna the "7lb nutball" has the most amazing cross-legged attack style and has zero worries about falling from the tops of closets and shower rods. Attacking from inside luggage? She does that. Hiding in pillow cases? She does that too. All the classics from climbing up the sides of walls to "helping" change the sheets, Luna has mastered it.

Highlights include Luna jamming to beats at around 2:20, a slow-mo slam into a wall at 4:15, and an out-of-control long range jump at 4:25.

Gwyneth Paltrow says women should get their vaginas steamed.

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GOOP founder Gwyneth Paltrow thinks you need to steam your lady parts.


Gwyneth has spoken.(Getty/Thinkstock)

If you want to get closer to living the GOOP ideal, you're going to have to apply some hot water to your lady bits. Not directly, of course. Gwyneth wants you to steam them.

In a post praising Tikkun, a new Korean spa, our guru writes:

The real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam: You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels.

That's right, the steam gets all the way up into your uterus! Yowza! That's some powerful steam. It cleanses not only your uterus but whoever "et al" refers to. Your ovaries? Your pancreas? The third author on your research paper whom you've stuffed up there?

Also, this is not an optional treatment, ladies.

"If you're in LA, you have to do it."

You. Have. To.

Lightening up.

Big loser.

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