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What horrible disease did Dustin Hoffman get rid of? What's the sexy news about Marilyn Monroe? How much filthy money did Johnny Football make? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.

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The Colbert Report
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Last night on The Colbert Report, Daft Punk had been scheduled to appear and play their hit "Get Lucky" to the delight of the few viewers who haven't already had the song integrated into their DNA. The appearance was meant to kick off "StePhest Colbchella," the show's summer music series. Unfortunately, MTV had other plans.

Daft Punk were also scheduled to make a "surprise appearance" on September's VMAs broadcast, and MTV head Van Toffler (real name) made the mistake of demanding exclusivity and prohibiting the French duo from doing The Colbert Report. This made Stephen unhappy, so he used the airtime he might have given the band to basically destroy any dignity MTV head Van Toffler still possessed, mostly just by reading his own words on the air.

Also, Stephen let the cat out of the bag! An almost entirely electronic song will be played by two anonymous, stoic men in motorcycle helmets at the VMAs! Get excited!

The perfect way to complain about your own boss >>

Via Colbert Nation

We're not cool with fat-shaming, but when you're a thief you lose certain rights.

If someone stole an Amazon package off your doorstep, what would you do? Unless you had a hidden camera installed, like Tim Lake of Phoenix, you'd probably assume it was Amazon's error and get them to send you a replacement. And Amazon would probably comply. It's a victimless crime, assuming you, like us, can't really conceive of a massive, multibillion dollar company as a victim.

But since Lake has a camera that sends him screenshots whenever someone approaches his house (totally normal), he witnessed this woman's attack and hilarious getaway, and he decided to make the awesome flyer above. He didn't really lose much in the theft (some instant coffee cups and an ice cube tray), but as he realizes (on camera, below), he could have used those together to make iced coffee! This is Phoenix in August we're talking about! (Cue tears.) The thief, sadly, remains at large.

Here's the local news coverage of Lake's revenge, so you can witness his sarcastic despondency in action:

How to respond when someone with the wrong number texts you thinking you're their drug dealer >>

(via Gawker, Slothed)

He should have high-fived Ryan Seacrest's face with his cane.

High-fives aren't easy. You've got to initiate and risk rejection and then non-verbally coordinate so your hands slap one another in mid-air—it's a nightmare! Not even the geniuses at NASA can get it right. Still, it's pretty effing hilarious when they get awkwardly screwed up like they do in the 20 gems below. Share these with your uncoordinated friends on Facebook or Twitter to let them know they need to practice their celebrations.

See them all >>

If you took all of the Missed Connections ever posted on Craigslist (except for the pervy ones and the ones that start with "I was taking a shit behind the dumpster when you came out the back door of the Arbys") and poured all of the tragic longing, and all of the searching loneliness into one short story, you'd have this ad. It's the Missed Connection of a lifetime. (Pasted below, in case it gets taken off CL by one of those horrible "flag" people.)

When you can't think of the words, just bring up one of these cards on your phone and hold it in the air >>

Via Craigslist

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