1. Rudy Giuliani Doesn't Understand How Apologies Or Words In General Are Supposed To Work

In an attempt to explain his recent super-dumb-sounding theory that President Barack Obama does not love America, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani suggested that people may have been confused by the bluntness of his language. "My blunt language suggesting that the president doesn't love America notwithstanding, I didn't intend to question President Obama's motives or the content of his heart," he wrote in a Wall Street Journal opinion piece. See, he wasn't questioning the content of Obama's heart, just the things that he loves with the contents of his heart. A small but important distinction.

How can Giuliani say that President Obama doesn't love America? He reads our emails and listens to our phone calls! He's obsessed with us!

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) February 22, 2015

2. Do The Simpsons Live In Australia? (Spoiler Alert: No.)

Astronomer and pop-science writer Phil Plait claims to have deduced the Simpsons' hometown of Springfield is actually somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere, based upon the image of the moon in a recent episode. I, however, have deduced that the animators probably just got lazy and drew an American moon backwards, based upon two decades of context clues on the show.

Elon Musk gives us scientific proof that the Simpsons live in the Southern Hemisphere: http://t.co/VtXAx3LXqEpic.twitter.com/xEl3a0YnY1

— Ezra Klein (@ezraklein) February 23, 2015

I just seriously got an email about my Simpsons post saying I “fail to understand satire.” #IronyThyNameIsInternet

— Phil Plait (@BadAstronomer) February 24, 2015

3. Study: Start Force-Feeding Your Kids Peanuts Now!

A new scientific study shows that feeding peanuts to children at an early age may help them stave off potentially dangerous peanuts allergies in the future. While only 1 percent of children in the study who ate peanuts before the age of 5 developed allergies, 17 percent of those who avoided the legumes developed them. Extrapolating from this, it seems logical that parents in households with pets should begin feeding dogs and cats to their children as early as possible.

I once dated a fella with a peanut allergy, so that was one relationship where I held the power.

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) November 10, 2014

4. It's Now Legal To Smoke Pot In Alaska, Just So Long As Nobody Catches You Doing It

While the recreational use of marijuana became legal today in Alaska, it remains illegal for Alaskans to be seen using marijuana recreationally. Police are preparing to hand out $100 fines to people caught toking in public, and smokers are being advised to exercise their new right in the privacy of their homes, where their celebrations cannot be witnessed by anyone else. "Don't do anything to give your neighbors reason to feel uneasy about this new law," legalization organizers wrote in a local paper. It truly is a new day!

Tomorrow, pot is legal in Alaska. Best city to smoke weed is Juneau, because if you stare at the name long enough, it looks like Keanu.

— Beth Armogida (@BethArmogida) February 24, 2015

5. Science Finally Gives Us An Excuse To Be Lazy, Sweaty and Naked

Hanging around a bunch of sweaty old dudes in towels may have some surprising health benefits, according to a new study published in JAMA Internal Medicine. "There was an inverse relationship between sauna and (cardiovascular disease) risk, meaning that more is better," the study's senior author told Reuters Health. "On the basis of these results, it seems that more than four sauna sessions per week had the lowest risk, but also those with two to three sauna sessions may get some benefits."

Been asked to leave the spa. Kept saying, "It's like a sauna in here" inside the sauna. Whatever. New guy liked it.

— calehartmann (@calehartmann) December 31, 2014

Are you sure that's a cat?

Just a week ago, we brought you a video of a cat knocking stuff off a table despite his owner's pleas. This just goes to show, you have to take a forceful approach. A dog might do something if you ask nicely, but a cat only responds to power.

This kitty, named Farofa, seems almost like he understands his owner's commands. To get an insight into the mind of such a unique creature, you have to see what that owner, Guga Vieira, has to say in the video's description:

Farofa is a fat cat weighs nearly 9 kg. When it is not immediately attended to his food desires, does everything to get attention.

So there you have it. If you want your cat to obey your commands, feed it till it's obese and then withhold food. Works like a charm.

(There was a more violent version but it got taken down.) GO GO POWER RANGERS!

This video has something for everyone. Power Rangers, obviously, but also serious violence, beloved cult actors from Dawson's Creek and Battlestar Galactica, fighting choreography and special effects that make this look pretty silly:

States director (and funder, presumably?), Joseph Kahn:

My take on the FAN FILM. Not a pilot, not a series, not for profit, strictly for exhibition. This is a bootleg experiment not affiliated or endorsed by Saban Entertainment or Lionsgate nor is it selling any product. I claim no rights to any of the characters (don't send me any money, not kickstarted, this film is free).

Would love to see some more pet projects like this. Maybe Alejandro González Iñárritu's take on Clarissa Explains It All?

It's the last sound you'll ever laugh at.

Don't hit play!

The sound of this child's laughter will haunt your dreams! You'll wake up in the middle of the night, breathless from all the giggling you've been doing in your sleep.

YouTube user mooonez has the exact right title for this video: "Самый ехидный ребенок на свете! Child laughs as Troll." Go home and hug your loved ones because the Troll Baby is coming for you, and he is going to crack you up.

I'm just here so I get paid.

The famously press-averse Marshawn Lynch (aka Beast Mode, aka Mr. Why-The-Hell-Wouldn't-You-Give-Me-The-Ball-At-The-1-Yard-Line-In-The-Super-Bowl) has filed with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to register "I'm just here so I don't get fined" as a corporate trademark belonging to Beast Mode apparel, Lynch's clothing line.

Originally: Seahawks' Marshawn Lynch hilariously stiff-arms reporters' questions 29 times at press conference.

Chris Bevans runs Beast Mode apparel for Lynch (at least someone is running Beast Mode instead of passing), and in an interview he willingly gave to ESPN.com, he said, "We heard from our fans and so many of them were saying that they wanted that phrase on the clothing. This is just listening to the marketplace." In case you think he's exaggerating, consider that Beast Mode is currently sold out of all men's items.

The words "Beast Mode Gift Card" have restored my faith in capitalism.
(screengrab via Beast Mode)

I'm just here to establish a precedent of protecting my trademark.

Obviously, the content of the phrase—a statement by an athlete ostensibly eschewing the glittering attraction of sports fame to focus on his performance—makes this move to register it as a trademark amusingly ironic. On the other hand, this is America. If everyone starts saying your catchphrase, you're irresponsible if you don't trademark it.

If Beast Mode doesn't protect the phrase, it'll end up on a generic pretty girl in a Busted Tees ad within a month.(via)

If you don't trademark a catchphrase you started, that has actual legal implications: not protecting something is tantamount to passively agreeing to let Wendy's or Coke or Ford start using it in commercials. It also passively allows every dickwad with a Cafepress account to make bank off "I'm just here so I don't get fined" t-shirts, even though they were never just anywhere they would have been fined for not being at to begin with! Indeed, Lynch's attorney Devin Lacerte confirms that for the last month he's pretty much been constantly sending out cease-and-desist notices.

I'm just here to live the American Dream.

This guy sells more kinds of hats than I have ever owned.

There is literally nothing more American than having your phrase on a line of mass-produced t-shirts, sweats, hats, and soon a $180 sneaker line co-designed with Jon Buscemi.

I mean, if "No Fear" counts as a clever enough phrase to reprint millions of times, we should consider "I'm just here so I don't get fined" to be the Great Gatsby of phrase-shirts. Even as a clothing line name, "Beast Mode" is way better than "No Fear." I won't even start on that that "Protect This House" slogan Under Amour shares with Brinks home security.

"I'm just here on Facebook to whine about vastly more successful people and also to use dog whistles about who works for whom." - Someone, after reading this.

I asked Marshawn Lynch why he thinks he shouldn't have to do what every other NFL player is required to do, but he didn't answer.
— Bart Hubbuch (@BartHubbuch) January 27, 2015

You don't need to be Nostradamus to know that Facebook will be full of people hating on Lynch for doing this. Their argument will probably be that Lynch is egotistical and money-obsessed and that he should be grateful to the reporters and fans and just shut up and play. Which is hilarious. If trademarking "I'm just here so I don't get fined" is slightly ironic, telling a player he should be more grateful to the fans who buy his merchandise and the reporters who print his name by criticizing the soon-to-be shirt that his fans are lining up to buy and reporters are scrambling to cover is even stupider than passing the ball at the 1-yard-line when you have a guy named Beast Mode standing next to you.

That being said, I'll be a little disappointed if he does any interviews to support it.

You are Beyoncé (click lower right icon for sound).

"You are Beyoncé." "Thank you."

Man, I wish someone would tell me that I was Beyoncé.

The perceived compliment came after Beyoncé stated on The View that she wore 4 pairs of stockings on stage to "keep it supported." Whoopi took the opportunity to make a point about how women's bodies fluctuate, and wanted to have Beyoncé let girls know that changes in size were ok. Whoopi's completed sentence was "You are Beyoncé, (thank you) and people look at you and say, 'Oh I want that body.'"

Still a great compliment. In fact, it's safe to say that anytime a sentence starts with "you are Beyoncé," the recipient should be prepared to say "thank you."

Here's the interview from June in its entirety; you also get to hear Barbara Walters say "bootylicious."

You're never too old to laugh at someone else's pain.

Redditor Ashley Migneault writes that her grandfather's dementia makes it hard for him to follow scripted entertainment. Luckily, there's nothing less scripted than the Jackass films. Those movies are so universal, this video would be just as believable with a baby.

I did it all for the nothing.

Huh? Who knew? All this time, we thought there were these two separate entities, Limp Bizkit and Seinfeld. Turns out, they were supposed to be together all the time. They're like two incomplete halves, except one of the halves was a perfect sitcom about nothing featuring objectively terrible people (that everyone nevertheless insisted were just like their real-life friends) and the other one was an objectively terrible band featuring people full of perfect nothingness.

Either way, it's pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty good. What, is that quote from a different band or something?

Pretty good, but can she shave her head?

Last night on The Tonight Show, Jimmy Fallon invited 5-time Grammy Award winner and woman who almost knows the National Anthem, Christina Aguilera, to play "Wheel of Musical Impressions" with him.

As Fallon explains, a "random generator" chooses a celebrity to imitate. Somehow, by the grace of sweet '90s irony or just plane excellent television producing, Xtina landed her former Mouseketeer colleague and one-time rival, Britney Spears.

Required to sing "This Little Piggy" to the tune of "Hit Me Baby," Aguilera does a dead-on Spears. If you close your eyes, you would swear that was Brit Brit going wee wee wee wee all the way home.

And for what it's worth, she nails Cher, too.

You know what they say, March comes in like an 'After the Fall' and goes out like a 'Legends of the Fall.'

This should prove to be a great month for lovers of comedy, with both Aziz Ansari's new stand-up special and the Tina Fey-Ellie Kemper original series The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt debuting on the Netflix on March 6. Also, there's the first season of Garfunkel and Oates, the fifth season of Archer, and the Evangelical morality tale God's Not Dead, all of which should keep us all laughing straight through 'til April.

Sadly, though, this is your last chance to watch 3 Ninjas: Kick Back.

Arrivals

March 1
Evelyn
Finding Neverland
Mercy Rule
Monster High 13 Wishes
Monster High: Ghouls Rule
30 for 30: Of Miracles and Men
Patch Adams
Rules of Engagement
Teen Witch
The Brothers Grimm

March 5
Food Chains
The ABCs of Death 2

March 6
Aziz Ansari Live at Madison Square Garden
My Own Man
The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

March 7
Archer: Season 5
Glee: Season 5

March 9
After the Fall
Cesar Chavez
The Angriest Man in Brooklyn
Tyler Perry's The Single Moms Club

March 10
Monster High: Haunted

March 11
How to Train Your Dragon 2

March 15
3rd Rock From the Sun: Complete Series
A Different World: Complete Series
Marvel & ESPN Films Present: 1 of 1: Genesis

March 17
You're Not You
Dummy

March 19
Life Itself

March 20
Bloodline: Season 1
God's Not Dead

March 22
Mad Men: Season 7

March 23
November Man

March 25
Garfunkel and Oates: Season 1
Turn: Season 1

March 27
Trailer Park Boys: Season 9
Frankie & Alice

March 31
Ask Me Anything
The Man with the Iron Fists

Departures

March 1
3 Ninjas: Kick Back
Air Bud
Anaconda
Arachnophobia
Brokedown Palace
Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams
Cool Runnings
Desperado
Dumb and Dumber
Emma
Evita
Fireproof
Freaky Friday
Fright Night
Girlfight
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
Jackass: Number Two
Lords of Dogtown
Old Yeller
Ordinary People
Out of Time
Pretty in Pink
Rachel Getting Married
Riding in Cars with Boys
Robin Hood: Men in Tights
RoboCop 2
RoboCop 3
Saving Silverman
Seven
Swiss Family Robinson
The Baby Sitters Club
The Blair Witch Project
The Graduate
The Possession
The Sweetest Thing
Troop Beverly Hills

March 2
Uptown Girls

March 3
The Preacher's Wife

March 5
The Muppet Movie

March 11
Flubber

March 12
The Grey

March 15
House on Haunted Hill
Muppet Treasure Island

March 16
The Tale of Despereaux

March 22
Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

March 30
Adventure Time: Season 1-­4
Ben 10: Season 1-­3
Childrens Hospital: Season 1­-2
Codename: Kids Next Door: Season 4-­6
Cow and Chicken: Season 2
Dexter's Laboratory: Season 3-­4
Dude, What Would Happen?: Season 2
Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy: Season 3-­4
Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends: Season 2
Johnny Bravo: Season 2
Regular Show: Season 1-­4
Robot Chicken: Season 1­-2
Samurai Jack: Season 2
The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy: Season 3­-4

March 31
Legends of the Fall

But who does that make you?

As Tolstoy once said: "All happy offices are alike; each unhappy office is unhappy in its own way." You might think you know who the miserable and weird people in your office are, but the fact that you spend so much time thinking about it reveals you're probably one of them.

Of course, the Someecards office doesn't have any of these types of people, because we're all monkeys equipped with GoPro cameras.

Spoiler: This College Humor sketch is a teaser for Unfinished Business starring Vince Vaughn, which opens March 6.

You're better off not knowing what they're drinking.

I am not a beer snob. I have never been a beer snob. As long as I'm perpetually broke and there are $4 six-packs of Hamm's tallboys at the corner store, I probably never will be a beer snob. But that doesn't mean that I don't know the difference between a good beer and a not-so-good* beer.

And just because I love my country, it doesn't mean I can't get a little bit bummed out by what my fellow citizens prefer to pour into their faces. This list of the most popular beers in America comes to us from VinePair (which also created this map of how America would be divided if it was split up by what each region drinks), and it is as depressing as it is utterly predictable::

Kind of interesting that Yuengling Lager made it onto this list. Unlike the other 19 beers that I will drink**, it's a beer that I actually will happily drink. Though, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if it's actually a good beer, or if I'm just comfortable with it because in the Philly area where I grew up it comes out of the faucets instead of wooder***.

* There's no such thing as a bad beer.
** Technically speaking, there is not a beer that I will not drink. In fact, if you're not finishing that one you dropped your cigarette butt into, I'd be happy to take it off your hands.
*** Philadelphian for "water."

By the power vested in me by Donkey Sauce…

"I now pronounce you man and gangsta!"(Getty)

Gay marriage was legalized in Florida last month, but that doesn't mean the controversy is over. Attorney General Pam Bondi is fighting to get it repealed, and officials in the more conservative counties are still refusing to grant marriage licenses to same-sex couples. But there's one place in Florida gays have no trouble getting married: Flavortown!

That's why, when celebrity chef Art Smith decided to host a mass gay wedding on Miami Beach, he knew no one could officiate it but Food Network star and blonde hedgehog Guy Fieri. The AP's description of the event sounds like something to behold:

When Smith heard that Florida judges had lifted the state's ban on same-sex marriage last month, he set out to throw an over the top-wedding officiated by chef Guy Fieri, with a stunning cake from Duff Goldman, and a dance party spun by local star Chi Chi LaRue. He invited the first 101 couples to participate in the free wedding, noting he chose the number after the movie "101 Dalmatians" to shame Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi, who has ardently fought to keep same-sex marriage from becoming legal.

Holy progressive, Batman! This wedding sounds money! You have to hand it to Guy for showing his support for equality, and also for helping us to get past our prejudices. In this case, he's dismissing the myth that gays have good taste.

For more Fieri fun, check out this clip of him eating backwards from Conan:

In 2005, the limit was 10 minutes per video, so let's start with the short one.

Ten years ago, every group of friends had that one weird person who had curated a vast library of bizarre videos they found online. Then, YouTube was invented. That person went back to having no friends, viral videos reached exponentially more people, and soon we were treated to a steady stream of original content, not-so-original content, and the preservation of embarrassing moments for all time.

It's been a wild ride, and to celebrate this splendiferous decade of digital video, two great mash-ups were made. Zapatou, a prolific montage editor (montage editors are the direct descendants of weird friends who curated web videos pre-2005), created the rapid-fire tribute up top, but if you want some more information and history with your anniversary montage, check out this epic 17-minute stroll through history with The Daily Conversation's "10 Years of YouTube: Evolution of Viral Video." It comes complete with view counts, original dates, and facts about how each video went viral:

See you again in 10 years, when I'll be talking about how stupid it was that we used to watch YouTube with our retinas instead of jacking straight into the optical nerve.

More from Zapatou: The best 200 viral videos of 2014 in one supercut.

Ain't nuthin' but a G thang.

Jimmy Kimmel Live's #MashUpMonday series features collaborations betwen unlikely musicians, usually just based on whether Kimmel can make a dumb pun off of their names. Past examples have included Weezer and ZZ Top as Wee-Z Top, Aloe Blacc and Blackstreet as Aloe Blaccstreet, and of course, The Beach Boyz 2 Men. OK, that last one was wishful thinking.

The newest installment features rapper Warren G and smooth jazz hair model Kenny G, creatively renamed as Warren and Kenny G, performing Warren's 1994 hit "Regulate." All puns aside, this version actually came out pretty good. I mean, Warren was smooth before, but this is ridiculous. Definitely a tune to listen to while sipping gin and juice.

G and juice? I give up.

Meanwhile in Canada...

Canada, not Hoth.

Guys, I think it's time we had a serious conversation about whether our species was ever supposed to migrate this far north. When guys like this Canadian resident are forced to build replicas of the Rebel Alliance's snow base from The Empire Strikes Back in their front yard just to get to their cars, it really makes you think that maybe the planet is trying to tell us something.

Note to self: never ask these guys if they've seen anything good lately.

Netflix third season 'House of Cards' doesn't go live until Friday (except for that time they uploaded it for a few hours by accident), so this is a good time to refresh yourself on seasons one and two before you lose your entire weekend to Frank Underwood's dastardly plans as President. I'd say [spoilers], but you clicked on a video promising to literally sum up the show so far, so you don't get that. Amazingly, these two dweebs (the Fine Brothers) recap the entire series in one continuous nine-minute take—which makes sense, given that a single unbroken viewing session is how most people prefer to watch it.

Related: Sesame Street's 'House of Cards' parody starring Frank Underwolf is scary good.

I've written about the Benny and Rafi Fine's videos on many occasions, but this may be the first time I've actually seen the Bros themselves. Usually, I'm posting one of their Kids React, Teens React, or Elders React videos (where people are exposed to either new or old technology or culture that they've never seen before). I wonder how millions of people in front of their screens right now are Reacting to seeing these two in the flesh for once.

If you skate in a freezeway, will you freeze in a skateway?

Don't worry, those aren't ghost children. This is just an artistic rendering.
(via Edmonton Freezeway)

A bike lane in the summer "that transitions into one of the world's first curb-side skating lanes"? This is the best way to turn a five-month winter into something really fun.

A brilliant idea has been proposed that could potentially cause residents and tourists to look forward to the elongated and draining Canadian winters. As soon as next year, the city of Edmonton might be creating an 11km route (almost 7 miles, if you're an American) that pedestrians can use to skate around the city.

In the proposal for "The Freezeway," landscape architect Matt Gibbs suggested connecting two old rail corridors.

"I found if we bridged these together, we could create a unified 11km route that people could skate on - potentially to work, to school or to the hockey game," said Mr Gibbs according to the BBC.

In the promotional video, Gibbs explains that The Freezeway would promote "winter programming, active lifestyles, sustainable forms of transportation, social activity, and an iconic identity for a city looking to differentiate itself. "

And.... if you don't know how to skate, or insist on using your bike in the winter, it would still be accompanied by a pedestrian trail.

OR YOU COULD JUST PUT BLADES ON YOUR BIKE. LETS DO THIS PEOPLE!!