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This guy created a pick-up line so good, he broke Tinder.

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Mr. Swipe Right

Imgur user ieatguineapigs may eat guinea pigs, but at least he never has to eat them alone. That's because he came up with a pick-up line for Tinder that works like magic. Check it out:


That's how it's done.(via)

In case you think this is an isolated incident, check out this gallery he posted, featuring woman after woman giving up their blurry phone numbers like they came with free waffles.

Of course, any technique this potent couldn't stay hidden for long, and soon, guys who didn't have the ieatguineapigs touch were copying the line (swiping it, if you will), with mixed results.


Ouch.(via)


Ok, that might be her fault.(via)

Before too long, the line was so overused that it lost all effectiveness.


Abort! Abort!(via)

This whole story is a good metaphor for nuclear proliferation. Hear me out. When the US got the A-bomb, it was such a powerful deterrent that it ended World War II months before it might otherwise have been resolved (or at least in Oklahoma history classes). Once the world knew about this weapon, though, there was no stopping every country that could from building its own, which gradually evened out the playing field until the doctrine of mutually assured destruction meant that no nation could realistically threaten another with nuclear force. That's exactly what's happened here, except with sex.

I think now is a perfect time for every country to dismantle its nuclear weapons, and for every man to agree not to use this line anymore. We'll just have to go back to old-fashioned diplomacy and "Sup? I like your hair."

If you can't get laid with that, you don't deserve it.


As good as it gets.

Don't step on the cracks: pedestrians swallowed by sinkhole in the blink of an eye.

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More like a sidefall (ba dum tsssssorry).

According to the Associated Press, the man and woman seen here were rescued and sustained only minor injuries, which I mention so you know exactly how guilty to feel for chuckling (after gasping in horror the first time): not too much. The two were getting off a bus in the South Korean capital of Seoul near a major construction site before taking a much shorter walk than expected. Apparently, sinkholes are a growing and very scary problem in the 10-million-person metropolis, and some link it to the proliferation of skyscrapers and other mega construction projects.

So, you know, just remember that the ground itself is not only out to get you, it's out to eat you.

Two girls H.S. basketball teams tried to throw a game against each other. Now both are out of the playoffs.

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#NotWinning


We're all that guy. (via @full_rosster)

During a high school girls basketball match in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, players were instructed to lose the game. Lose. Coach Cory Barrett insinuated strongly to his team of impressionable youths that their place in the bracket towards state playoffs would be much better if they lost this round. Then they wouldn't have to face off against the regional winners who could REALLY beat them, even when they were trying.

The opposing coach, Shawn Middleton, quickly picked up on this cynical strategy. So he rounded up his athletes and said, "Honor above all." No, jk, he told them to throw the game too.

Things escalated to the point where the teams were trying to shoot for the other side. The refs were mad as hellllll. Here's an account from one in The Washington Post:

That is when I called both coaches together and told them we are not going to make a travesty or mockery of the game. WE ARE NOT GOING TO START TRYING TO SHOOT AND SCORE FOR THE OTHER TEAM.

If they're quoted in capslock, you know someone's pissed. Both teams are banned from the playoffs this year, with fines going to the schools. Principals from Smyrna and Riverdale begged the organizing body, TSSAA, to let the girls play even if the coaches were banned, but those requests have been denied.

Ultimately, they are children who are trained to follow their coach's directives like little army lieutenants. On the other hand, we are always saying sports are supposed to teach kids about life. Play to win, everybody! Or you won't be allowed to play at all.

6 new contenders for the single most entertaining note ever written by a roommate.

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Isn't that implied on all roommates' doors?(via)

Whether you're in your post-college years or your mid-forties and sleeping in your old room at your parents' house, the roommate situation is a hotbed of hostility and spoiled food-borne illness. Eventually, the unwashed dishes and random pubic hair discoveries become too much to bear, and accusations and apologies are exchanged in pointed, often wonderfully clever notes. Here are some of our favorites that reveal way too much about the gross ways in which non-sex-having humans tend to co-habitate.


Tough but fair.(via)


Please be chocolate, please be chocolate…(via)


In the prison yard, mugs equal prestige.(via)


Nobody loves the fridge!(via)


I've made the same list when I was stone sober.(via)

Updated 1/23/15:


This is an aristocratic household. Kettle Corn only! (via)


This could lead to your broke roommate supplementing his income by stuffing rags down the toilet every morning.(Via)



Your roommates are here for you Fat Dan. Helping you is delicious.(Via)



The day Rob helped Matt go from arachnophobe to agoraphobe.(Via)


It's a fun living situation when everyone gets their own tp-buying logo.(Via)



These dudes should offer their services to help fight Matt and Rob's spiders.(Via)

Updated 12/16/14:


By the looks of Alex, it might never be alcoholism for him.(via)



Sounds like a fair, creepy deal.(via)



The title begins with "Roommate took Adderall..."(via)



When grieving over Buffy's loss gets awkward.(via)



Card? He deserves a trophy.(via)



To clarify, Jesse's mom makes pies, does not want him dead.(via)

Updated 10.20.14


This may as well say "look in the garage!"(via)




Not all Dads are comfortable saying "I love you."(via)

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"Mom/Dad [illegible]" - Your Drunk Daughter(via)



Thanks for the heads up, Richard.(via)



Letter from a Birmingham kitchen.(via)



She forgot the part about cake.(via)

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Updated 10.20.14


Noted, Grumpy Roommate.(via)



When Dad finds Mom's to-do list.(via)

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I would leave it on just for the thrill of it.(via)

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That's like a regular stopper, only angrier.(via)

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This is going to be one paranoid flu season.(via)

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Looks like one steak will do.(via)



Passive, aggressive, and beautiful.(via)

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Definitely beats a sticky note.(via)

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To err is human, to forgive is bacon.(via)

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Looks like we need bananas... and paper.(via)

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Shitty poetry.(via)

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On the other hand, brownies!(via)

Updated 8.27.14


Thanks for the vote of confidence, Pops.(via)

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And look for an apartment like you live with a psycho.(via)

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Typical delicious/aggressive behavior.(via)

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A few more letters and it would've been done, dick. (via)

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Fucking love you too, Dad.(via)

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Thanks for the "$5.00," Colleen!(via)

Updated 8.27.14


A stoner roommate could read that the wrong way.(via)

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Impressive, if he actually reached the milk.(via)



Why, when there's a perfectly usable sheet left?(via)



Too good to be mad about. Unless it's not head hair.(via)



Hope he likes cold pizza. (via)


That looks oddly delicious. Also, "honeys" count as roommates when they act like this.

(via)

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The artist couldn't sign his work due to a broken hand. (via)


My instincts tell me that was no accident.(via)

Or, you could've just written "pay bills."(via)

A sign that you're probably too old to have roommates.(via)

"I could change the roll, or take out my phone and..."(via)

It's impossible to read that without hearing his voice.(via)

Updated 6.05.14


It's the thought that counts.(via)


Thanks for the pancakes, Mr. Pinkman.(via)


The man in the mirror is a huge dick.(via)


Yep, that says "puke."(via)


Even his notes stink. (via)


First line of the worst porno ever. (via)

Updated 5.05.14


Mistakes are life's tasty lessons. (via)


"Why yes, toilet paper roll, I -- dammit!" (via)


The old "How to Get Your New Roommate Naked with a Spider Note" trick.(via)


"Ew, ew, Captain."(via)


Good luck with that auto-erotic asphyxiation.(via)


TL;DR already packing my stuff.(via)

Updated 4/04/14


I guess the short answer is "maybe?" (via)


Great weed. Bad idea.(via)


You would, dick head.(via)


"Who's been slut-shaming my soda?"(via)


How many ways are there to use a plunger, Kevin? (via)


I've always wondered how to play craps.(via)

Updated 3/08/14


I bet this guy is high maintenance.(via)


If a sock means "sex," I don't want to know what this is for.(via)


I've had roommates that would see this and think "pan roasted dove!"(via)


This message is probably more for the guys.(via)


Smart Water for a smart ass.(via)


How a true butthole pays his rent. (via)

Updated 1/08/14


Given a choice, I'd rather eat pizza that the cats nibbled on. (via)


Things can't be that bad if you're still getting wi-fi. (via)


If these get eaten it's time for a new roommate. (via)


Not bad, but it may get confusing when you try to store poops. (via)


It that's where they keep the milk, tossing it might not be a bad idea. (via)


Not cool. But at least you get to eat the Pixie Sticks. (via)

Updated 12/11/13:


Ouch. You just got out passive-aggressioned.


Um...are there drugs in it?


In this case, honesty is the weirdest policy.


Pretty nice of them to capture it, actually.


They don't. Someecards probably does, though.


No smiley face, Cindy?

Updated 11/13/13:


Also, boyfriends are like dirty clothes; don't leave yours on the floor.


"I feel more comfortable complaining about the notes by note."


I'm impressed it responds to anything at all.


Great method for dealing with lazy ant roommates.


Then I have to get my shit together enough to actually clean it. Two-three weeks?


Pretty cheap for either.

Updated 10/15/13:


You don't need to have roommates for this to be a terrific idea.


The most considerate possible reaction to finding your roommate peed all over the floor.


Seems like a much, much grosser solution than just flushing.


The spider was in the midst of writing his own tiny note:
"Got stuck in god damn cereal today...fuck."


Because pooping just isn't exciting enough.


Chris may be going to the gay club, but he likes boobs, you understand?

Updated 9/17/13:


Not sure that post-script was necessary.


Hunter, live up to your name!



Better than: "Give a call or you might see a ball."



He died as he lived: with power tools.



But evidently not magnetic poetry.



Yeah right, like anyone's gonna steal a Lean Pocket over a French bread pizza.

Updated 8/16/13:


With the cost of avocados today, that's only about a quarter for your trouble.


Please clean up your insects after yourself.


Ooh, burned by a white board meme.


Also I prefer to be called Reginald, thanks.


Now that's just common disgusting courtesy.


It's worth it! It's stifling in here!

Updated 7/22/13:


We wouldn't want to be part of such a hairy roommate arrangement.


Why write 3 separate notes when all your issues can be encompassed in one?



Beware. The spiders have their own tally.


Monday night is trashnacht.


Clint starts fires!



As far as we're concerned, as long as his penis only touched the outside, it's still good.

Updated 6/20/13:


Wait. We have a cat?


And bread and to come to terms with our parents' divorce.


We'd honestly prefer this type of sign to be set up on all tp-less toilets.


4. Have craziest night ever!


It's the number for his Murderers Anonymous group.


No matter how bad they are, we still want one.

Updated 5/24/13:


Unfortunately, that stuff looks like what's been on CNN every day.


"FapNapping" needs no translation.


So, I'll just leave the knives there...and this note you can't read in the dark.


We'd rather be hunted by teens than chase a spider.


Sorry. Cat available for petting trumps human in need of sleeping.


We stopped trusting you when you left us something to flush.

Updated 4/23/13:


This could work out really well for the boyfriend.


Aim for the head.


How does the artist know the shitter is jubilant?


Like that Al Pacino movie "Insomnia," except with smellier fingers.


She has loud sex that she has to apologize for AND access to cinnamon rolls? Want her life.


Doing dishes sucks. We'll take the cocks.

Updated 3/18/13:


Just do it, no matter what "it" may be.


Also enrolled you in a scientology course, hope that's cool!


No one is more concerned about Susie collecting cat piss than the cat.


Not going to try and prove you wrong.


Joe already gives his teeth Flintstone chewables. He shouldn't be doubling up.


Many roommates have lost themselves in the endless piss-seat loop.


Ben Kingsley was excellent in this kitchen.

Updated 2/8/13:


This is considerate, and it doesn't judge those who do want such things.


Who can keep from passing out long enough for a hot pocket to cook?


The roommate is staring at that last sip, checking his watch, waiting...waiting...


How can we add "or when you're awake" to the deal?


8:40, or, if you're into it, 8:45. Whatever works for you. I'm not a "rules" guy. Oops, vomiting.


Lease plainly states, "Write your 30 days notice on some cardboard before moving out."

Updated 1/14/13:


Jeff is bad at bribes.


11) No asking why I am this way. Just know that I have been hurt before and it won't happen again.


Raisin Bran tastes so much better carbonated.


High people tell the worst stories.


No wonder Michael's catch-phrase is "I prefer to stand."


Seems legit.


Thank God "Peanut butter 4 my balls" wasn't included in "Sandwich Stuff."

Updated 12/5/12:


I think you're confusing your your Sammy LJ roles but the point still stands.


Average male-female rooming ratio: 80% of the fridge belongs to female, 80% consumed by male.


Does her/his roommate only have one fork? That might be the larger problem.


That means you, Alex. I'm saving this spider for when I get up in the morning!!!


Let's just hope that there is an emergency and this person's life is improved by cleansing fire.


Thank you, Jay. Jaq? Jag? The point is, what a polite note of depravity.


Prophet Eric earlier prophesied a wrathful plague of deleted DVR episodes, and verily 'twas true.


And it was then Chris realized the Boyz would never advance 2 Men.

Posted 11/14/12:


Everyone spent the next few days walking very gingerly around the apartment.


And you thought younger generations don't send thank you notes anymore.


And from then on, Sajid would never wear underwear ever again.


T.J really likes to sleep if the main issue with someone peeing on the floor is the noise it makes.


Thanks Brendon. Enjoy...um..."Fagtown?"


Use the wings you've been given to fly far away by the end of the month.

Updated 10/8/12:

Nothing tears apart an apartment share like a baked good suicide.


If you have time to learn to read and write in English, you have time to clean your own puke.


Cockjuggling used to be big before Puppetry Of The Penis swept the nation.


He seems like a good listener.


Trickle down government is trickling really far.


In our day a sock on the door handle meant "I Hope You Die" but we were classier then.


Guess "All Of The Above" is fair game then?


Sad thing is the cashier at CPK wrote that.

Updated 9/7/12:

Updated 8/2/12:

Updated 7/2/12:

Updated 6/7/12:

Updated 5/18/12:

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Updated 5/2/12:

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Updated 4/16/12:

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Updated 3/3/12:

Updated 2/3/12:

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Updated 1/10/11:

Posted 12/1/11:

Problem solving.

"Ducktales" is returning to make wearing a shirt and no pants relevant again.

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Remember all your favorites: Huey, Dewey, Louie and The News!


They've aged well.(via Disney Wikia)

Unfortunately, we won't be seeing these guys until 2017, but that's still sooner than the anticipated NEVER. Disney is presenting the new series this spring at the Upfronts. Senior vice president of programming for Disney XD, Marc Buhaj, released this very mature statement:

"DuckTales has a special place in Disney's TV animation history, it drew its inspiration from Disney Legend Carl Barks' comic books and through its storytelling and artistic showmanship, set an enduring standard for animated entertainment that connects with both kids and adults. Our new series will bring that same energy and adventurous spirit to a new generation."

It's better if you read it in a duck's voice. So:

Quack. Quack quack quack quack, quack quack. Quack Disney quack Carl Bark's quack quack. Quack quack quack! Quack quack.

Honestly, I haven't thought about this show in years, but now that it's here I can't wait to see the new character art. Especially, as I've remembered this Jon Hamm impersonator, Launchpad. Or is Jon Hamm impersonating him?


Helloooo. Are you a pilot?(via The Verge)

Chris Brown was denied entry into Canada, which means we're stuck with him.

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Maybe Mexico or the Netherlands would be willing to take him? Could someone give them a call?


Not good enough for Canada. (Getty)

Chris Brown was denied entry into Canada on his way to do shows in Montreal and Toronto this week.

The reasons are still unclear, but on the other hand, if you were Canada, would you let him in?


(via @chrisbrown, screengrab via BuzzFeed)


See? Even Chris Brown thinks Canadians are "good people" for giving him the boot.

Brown's banning from Canada may have something to do with his criminal record. He served time for assaulting his then-girlfriend Rihanna back in 2009, and pled guilty to assaulting a man outside his hotel in 2014. Having a criminal record is one of the reasons Canada says they may bar someone from entry into the country. ("Being Chris Brown" is surprisingly not on that list.)

Anyway, Canada. We're not buying it. How can you be too good for Chris Brown but responsible for Justin Bieber? What's your angle?

Whatever Canada's reasons, it's hard not to have this reaction:


Small government.

'Parks and Recreation' would have ended much differently if Chris Pratt had his way.

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It turns out that Chris Pratt can get too hot.

One of the best shows on TV, Parks and Recreation, concluded last night in a finale that (not a spoiler because this was advertised) took us into the characters' futures. You'll have to watch the episode to find out more, but the cast joined Seth Meyers on Late Night on Tuesday and discussed rejected ideas for what would happen to their characters, how they joined the show, and just how generally awesome it all was. In particular, though, we find out how Chris Pratt wanted his character Andy's story to end (as well as Aubrey Plaza's April, although she looks like the idea might have been too depressing for her). I'm glad it tuned out happier than Pratt wanted, although I think there might be room for a whole spinoff based solely on his rejected suggestions and outtakes.


Pouring out.

Creepy dad offers "7 simple rules for dating my Christian daughter."

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Oh My Lord.

Hey, it's not easy being a parent, especially when you're trying to hold on to your Christian principles in an increasingly secular world and also SEX CAN KILL NOW.

This video from Christian Nightmares is titled, "7 Simple Rules for Dating My Christian Daughter," but it definitely seems like 7 simple rules for this girl to have the room-temperature-yogurt equivalent of dating experiences. Let's break it down:


Okay, keeping things in house. Sounds not at all insular or weird and many cults all over the world have similar strict rules about what the heart can want.


Confusing grammar here, but Christian Dad is saying if your date would rather sit and hold hands then go with you to Bible study, then they are not evolved enough for lurvvvvvvv.


DO NOT MAKE MAN HORNY, NO USE ANATOMY TO MAKE MAN HORNY, SLUT.


Surprising that this comes in at number 4? Seems like it should be number 1, Christian Dad? At this point in the list she could be dirty already, like a man in a white suit walking through a pig farm. Remember that charming analogy you used?


No clear cap on this rule or what to do if your individual sets of parents disagree on an issue, but I'm sure Christian Dad will tell you what to do, forever.


AWKward. Like being with someone who's always on their phone at dinner.


Twist! This video takes place in the town from
Footloose.

Well, that's all from Christian Dad. Some of your advice was borderline normal until we stared into your dead eyes, talking from a disembodied library that somehow looks into your daughter's bedroom. I guess the advice was for her, not us. How did it take?


"Hmm, haha. Eat sh*t, dad."

This dog does an amazing impression of a clucking chicken.

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This is the Michael Winslow of dogs.

The video's description asserts that this dog's clucking is just "an odd whining noise," but I'm not buying it. This imitation of clucking fowl is so dead-on, it is entirely possible the dog is desperately trying to communicate something much greater to his laughing owners.

What's that, Lassie? Timmy got attacked by a bunch of chickens?

Pillow talk.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 25, 2015

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1. Rahm Emanuel Kindly Gives Angry Chicagoans An Opportunity To Vote Against Him Once Again

By failing to amass more than 50 percent of the vote in Chicago's mayoral election yesterday, Rahm Emanuel became the city's first sitting mayor to be forced into a runoff election. This means Emanuel will likely be pressured in acknowledging the existence and personhood of his runoff opponent Jesus "Chuy" Garcia. Worse yet, he will probably have to take the wants of voters into consideration.


2. Keith Olbermann Managed To Hold Down Job For Stunning 19 Months

Believe it or not, it actually took ESPN nearly two whole years to suspend Keith Olbermann from his job. The sports network was forced into action after the anchor—who was previously let go from MSNBC and Current TV—got into a Twitter war with some Penn State students who were raising money for charity simply because he was in the mood to be a dick to some kids.


3. More People Line Up To Get Threatened By Bill O'Reilly

Several more people came forward to make claims that Bill O'Reilly had lied about anecdotes from his past. The Fox News host—who recently threatened retaliation against a writer for the New York Times if he didn't like a story she was about to publish about him—wrote in a memoir that he heard the shotgun suicide of a friend of Lee Harvey Oswald in Palm Beach, Florida back in 1977. Meanwhile, two former colleagues who apparently don't know when to keep their mouths shut pointed out that he was with them in Dallas, Texas as the time.


4. Reddit Decides It Doesn't Want To Be The Go-To Site For Illegal Nudes Anymore

The powers that be on the social news service Reddit issued new digital privacy guidelines yesterday, making it officially frowned upon to post stolen nude photos of living, breathing human beings with emotions on the site so that millions of strangers can masturbate to them. So much for net neutrality, huh?


5. Pee-Wee Herman Shall Bestow Upon Mankind Another Movie

Actor Paul Reubens and producer Judd Apatow will be teaming up to create a new Pee-wee Herman film that will premiere on the streaming Internet service Netflix. “As a fan of Pee-wee Herman since he first appeared on The Dating Game, I am thrilled to have the opportunity to work with the brilliant Paul Reubens on this film. It is a dream come true," Apatow said in a statement about the project.


Comedian Tig Notaro knows who should host the 2016 Oscars: Tig Notaro.

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Tig's night to shine.


Hear me out…(Getty)

Sunday's Academy Awards left many viewers craving a fresh start. The broadcast was the lowest-rated in six years, and those who did watch felt it was boring and stale. Even the biggest fans of Neil Patrick Harris were disappointed in his performance as host. At this point, there's only one person who could redeem next year's awards: Tig.

Who is Tig, you ask? Tig Notaro.

Who is Tig Notaro, you ask? I'll tell you.

Tig Notaro is a standup comedian, writer, cancer survivor, and podcaster. If you don't know her name, you should. Not only because she's great, but because I just said it three times. Also, according to a new editorial in the Huffington Post, she's the perfect candidate to host the 2016 Oscars. The author of that editorial: Tig Notaro.

In the piece, Tig provides 11 reasons she would be perfect to host the awards, including very persuasive arguments like

Whenever I tour through middle America, inevitably three people a week tell me I look EXACTLY like award show host favorite Ellen Degeneres, to which I respond, "Oh, so basically you can tell that I don't have a boyfriend."

and

I live relatively close to the theater and wouldn't be late.

and of course

My relatives back home in Mississippi always say: "Why don't you host the Oscars! You'd be so good at that!"

It's pretty unheard-of for a relative unknown to host the Oscars, but in the last few years, it's also unheard-of for the Oscars to be a hit. Coincidence?

If you're still unconvinced, check out this clip of Tig's standup on Conan:


If she did that in the Dolby Theatre, you can bet it would get people talking.

Fine whine.

Good friends.

A towel-wrapped bat is fed a mushy banana while maintaining its dignity.

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It's very ap-PEAL-ing. Ugh, I'm sorry.

True story: I was eating a banana as I watched this.

Hey, it's Wednesday. We'd all love to be swaddled in some warm towels and lovingly fed a potassium-rich meal. Let this sweet fruit bat be your stand-in until you can go home from work and convince a significant other or tolerant neighbor to help you with this fantasy. It's recommended that people sensitive to squishy chewing noises watch this with the sound turned down.

Oops: School's memorial to sex-offender teacher includes the exact wrong phrase.

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When the silver lining to a school's scandal is that their teacher is dead, it is time to find another school.


I'd prefer a "no touching" tribute. (via Knox Grammar)

An elite, all-boys private school in Wahroonga, Sydney just held a memorial for one of their former teachers, Bruce Barrett, despite the fact that he was convicted of five counts of indecent assault and two accounts of sexual assault during his time as an educator.

Knox Grammar School held a funeral for him that was mandatory for students to attend, and even honored him with memorial gates bearing the inscription "He Touched Us All."

It seems like a horribly offensive joke, but the inscription was not meant to be ironic. It was not supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek nod to any kind of wrongdoing involving tongues and/or cheeks. It was just a terribly classless mistake.

Fortunately, the offense has not gone unnoticed, and the gates are now the subject of an investigation.

According the The Independent, former Knox student and victim Scott Ashton was appalled by the school's gesture, and told the Australia Royal Comission he was "deeply confused by the memorial at the school."


The hallowed grounds where horrendous acts are immortalized.

"The fact that he was so well regarded by the school despite being a notorious molester made me feel very confused and powerless," Ashton said. "I felt ashamed of my abuse. I was deeply ashamed and unable to discuss it with anyone. It was an issue which I avoided because any reminder of it would cause me severe stress and interfered with my ability to function and cope on a day-to-day basis."

How could this school do this, not only to allow their students to be violated on their grounds by an trusted teacher, but then to honor his memory? Everything in Australia really is upside-down.

Apparently, abuse is an institution at the institution. Five former teachers at the prestigious school have been convicted of sexual assault, and allegations have been made about three more teachers now that this investigation has brought these abuses back to light.

In a "warm welcome" from the school's headmaster on Knox's website, headmaster John Weeks brags that Knox Grammar has an "innovative approach to boys' education."

No thanks. I'll stick with the old approach of teaching children that does not include molestation.

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