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Surprise party.


Dad jokes get their opus in this Western parody, "Punslingers."

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Very punny.

This video from Chomp Chomp Comedy shows the dangers of dad humor. Not only do they end up in a Western-style showdown, their families have had it up to here. Can we have a normal conversation, please? I'm frustrated!

"Nice to meet you, Frustrated. I'm dad."

All right. Please share this with all the dads you know. Show them how they're tearing you all apart. "A part of what?" they'll ask, grinning.

Are you dumb and poor? You may need this idiot's guide to not letting smart people take your money.

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Money money money! When it comes to money, stupid people usually get ripped off.

To avoid that, watch this "Idiot's Guide to Smart People" episode about money from The Bilderbergers. You'll learn all about how smart people turn idiots into dollar bills. Unless you're too much of an idiot to think you need help—then you should probably just play the lottery.

Related: "The Idiot's Guide to Smart People: Sex"

Crazy dash cam footage of a house exploding thanks to what's piped into our houses all day long.

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Report gas leaks, people.

A house in New Jersey was slowly filling with gas from an underground main. Then, a flame from a pilot light or spark from a thermostat sent the whole thing up into tinder. Even from a semi-distant dash cam perspective, it's pretty shocking to see the blast shake the whole street. 15 people were injured in this insane explosion, one of whom is still in critical condition.

The gas leak WAS reported, according to ABC News, and residents on the block had been told to evacuate by emergency workers due to the strong gas smell in the area. A lot of people didn't, because no one ever does as they're told. The anti-authoritarian impulse is strong, but if it's related to fire, rising water or predator attacks, do what Mr. Fireman says. Better to be slightly inconvenienced than in pieces.

Watch this leaked audition of Marlon Wayans as Richard Pryor and cry like a motherf*cker.

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It's the most range he's shown since 'White Chicks.'

Mike Epps is currently set to star in a biopic about legendary comedian Richard Pryor, which will also feature Kate Hudson and Oprah, and be directed by Lee Daniels (Precious, The Butler). While this movie seems custom-designed to be the ultimate Oscar bait, the idea of turning Pryor's life into a film has been kicking around since his death in 2005.

Back in 2009, Marlon Wayans was being considered for the role, and this week his audition tape leaked. Anyone who thinks Wayans can't pull off a dramatic role has never seen Requiem for a Dream or Marmaduke. Even though this clip is less than eight minutes long, it's strangely powerful, and shows Wayans with a very nuanced and well-studied interpretation of Pryor. It also features Omar Epps as his psychiatrist. Take a look!

Groom reads vows to bride's daughter, wrings every last drop of emotion out of wedding guests.

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"Until you go to college do us part."

Brian Scott, NASCAR driver, married Whitney Kay, mom, and in doing so, made her daughter his own. To formalize this union he read vows to little Brielle, as well as his new wife. It's very sweet and everyone in this video is crying like they're at a funeral throughout. This is Brielle's reaction:


Bow hair, don't care. (screengrab via PenWeddings)

I used to work a lot of weddings as a photographer and server. I've seen hundreds of couples say basically the same stuff to each other, over and over and over. Never seen a step-dad take his new role as father so responsibly, at least in the form of a public announcement.

It's clear Brielle loves her new pop pop, but watching her hyper baby mind wander around, bored by her weeping dad, really cracks me up. Adults project so much onto kids. One day Brielle will watch this and cry too, but meanwhile, get this girl some damn cake!

Meanwhile, up where it's really cold, a cop throws a cup of hot water in the air.

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That cloud is in the shape of a policeman freezing his butt off.

Police in Portland, Maine created a visual representation of the dangerously cold weather conditions yesterday.

To demonstrate just how cold it was in front of his precinct, this officer threw a cup of water into the air. Through the magic of slow-motion (thanks, new iPhones!), we can see the water turn from its drinkable liquid state to its cold and angry counter-part, ice.

Of course, it doesn't look like ice. It looks like a cloud.

The officer doesn't say, but I have to assume that the water he threw was boiling.Because it was so close to steam, the water broke into smaller droplets when thrown into the air than would cold water. With more surface area, the heat is expelled quicker, so instead of mostly water droplets falling to the ground, or giant ice chunks (it would have to be an unlivable cold for that to happen), we get a bunch of tiny ice crystals that float away in a cloud.

Police in Maine: guarding the streets from water, one cup at a time.

Two-year-old boy forgets words, melody, still sings best national anthem you've ever heard.

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Francis Scott Off-Key

What 2-year-old Trent Harris lacks in pitch, rhythm, and remembering the words, he more than makes up for in cuteness, fashion, and good old-fashioned American swagger.

This actually might be my favorite version of this song I've ever heard. Plenty of singers get in front of an arena full of people and go nuts with modulation and grace notes and a lot of vocal hoopla. But little Trent isn't old enough for those kinds of pretensions. He just goes for it. He might not get the tune right, or the words right, but those were never the selling points of "The Star-Spangled Banner." It's really not a great song.


Green party.

This six-year-old archer's trick shots are as outrageous as his attitude.

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If that's how they do it in Iowa, I'm staying away.

Six-year-old Logan "Bowshootin" Miller comes from Iowa, can rock a green mohawk and an Affliction t-shirt, and loves saying "Booyah!" And there's one more thing: he's absolutely lethal with a bow and arrow.

I wonder if the CW's Arrow would be such a big hit if people knew the real thing was right in our backyards all along. And this kid didn't even have to get stuck on some stupid island like that character. Apparently Iowa is just as good at turning you into a badass.

In case you thought it was a fluke, check out Logan's other videos below. And when you're done, look him on Facebook.



A very stoned man wrote Chipotle a very angry letter, and received the best customer service reply ever.

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Bongs and Recreation


This makes me feel like I both don't eat enough burritos or chat up enough service reps.
(original photo via Madison Rosenbaum)

A week ago, a redditor by the name of StumpNuts got stoned and watched Parks and Recreation. By itself, that is a remarkably unremarkable story. Even more unremarkably, StumpNuts fell asleep during the episode. When he (forgive my gendered assumptions, but I have a hunch that StumpNuts is a dude) woke up, he was outraged to see this commercial announcing a partnership between Chipotle and Exxon:


As you've probably noticed, the YouTube clip is clearly labeled so you know it's from Parks and Recreation. Since StumpNuts was a.) blazed out of his gourd and b.) watching old-fashioned television, he did not grasp this distinction. Despite his hazy state, however, StumpNuts still believed in the power of consumer outrage. Said Mr. Nuts, "For some stupid reason I was pissed. Hell, Chipotle just took an item off the menu because of the way they were treating animals, how could they possibly justify teaming up with a company who is destroying the planet?!" So, he wrote an angry letter to Chipotle:


Pretty good writer for someone too high to understand the TV.

Much like their animal-rights practices, StumpNuts is a huge fan of Chipotle's customer outreach team, whom he has apparently interacted with before. "I wrote them once about my meal before and they wrote back within an hour, great people," raved Stump, "Again they wrote back in about an hour, it hurt so bad to read..." Indeed, it hurt so bad The Daily Dot requested StumpNuts provide screenshots as proof. Painful, painful proof (cobbled together into one image):


I'm sure this email was forwarded to every single person in Chipotle's head office.
(via The Daily Dot via StumpNuts)

You can read that article here, but of course we already know it's a commercial. The chastened Mr. Nuts, when faced with his error, had to choice but to respond to his beloved Chipotle customer service representative, identified only as A, hat in hand to apologize:


Notice they don't tell him to stop smoking weed. Chipotle would go bankrupt.

If any professors at Harvard Business School are reading this, I think you have your next case study on how a brand can improve relations with their key demographics...like stoners. If any stoners are reading this...I'll bet they're really hungry by now.

If robbery victims were treated the same way as rape victims.

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Just get a big dog. And a gun.

This poor guy got his computer stolen, right out of his home. Too bad there's no physical evidence of a struggle or broken locks and if they did a sweep for finger prints, well, there's a backlog of thousands of untested finger print kits, so it would be pointless. It's turning into a real He Said/He Said case.

Look, if you've been drinking and you leave your sexy computer out, right where everyone can see it, robbers will be robbers. Lock it up tight, ladies. I mean...sir.

Even Franciscan monks love a good snowball fight.

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Even monks understand how fun it is to hit someone with a snowball when they're not looking.

Monks. What do they do all day? Pray? Brew delicious beer? Sit around stoically? Well, according to this video filmed by Einat Gomel, they also have some pretty joyful snowball fights. At least these Franciscan monks in Jerusalem do.

Not into monks? Just imagine that these are some particularly playful Sith Lords.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 26, 2015

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1. Zealots With Ancient Worldview Destroy Ancient Artifacts

Militants from the Islamic State entered a museum in Mosul, Iraq this week and took sledgehammers to an untold number of millennia-old priceless pieces of art, claiming that the 3,000-year-old artifacts were religious idols. Cool bunch of guys, huh?



2. Republicans Remain As Proudly And Purposefully Ignorant As Ever

According to new polling data from Public Policy Polling, the Washington Post and the Huffington Post, a full 49 percent of Republicans still do not believe in evolution, while 54 percent say that President Barack Obama is, "deep down," actually a Muslim. On the plus side, a little more than 10 percent of GOP voters do begrudgingly acknowledge that Obama probably loves the country he's president of.


3. Science Creating A Birth Control Pill That Congress Can Get Behind

Vasalgel, a contraceptive pill for men, is expected to be released by the Parsemus Foundation at some point in 2017. Every conservative male member of Congress is expected to begin backtracking on their opposition to insurance-covered birth control approximately five minutes later.


4. Head Transplants Seem Like An Innovation That Can't Possibly Go Horribly Wrong

Italian surgeon Sergio Canavero will soon announce a highly anticipated project to transplant a human head from one body to another. It is currently unknown whether he will be able to retain sentience in the patient, or whether he will be capable of beating back the monstrous flesh golem that rises from his operating table before it strangles him to death and then heads off into the night to seek more victims.


5. Nutella May Cause Obesity, Diabetes And House Fires

Firefighters have managed to pinpoint the cause of a house fire in London. A glass Nutella jar sitting on a window sill apparently refracted sunlight in just the right way to cause a small blaze that quickly engulfed the entire building. What a terrible, delicious tragedy.

This guy caught a 280-pound catfish and threw it back to spite us.

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Mamma mia! That's a big fish!

This would seem like another tall tale from a vain fisherman, except it's on camera. It's a good thing it is, too, because if Italian fisherman Dino Ferrari wanted to do the old "I once caught a fish THIS big" trick, he would need a 9-foot arm span.

Ferrari was fishing in Italy's Po River when he snagged this 280-pound catfish. It took him 40 minutes to reel it in, which is longer than he had to spend with the thing after it was on land. That's because (brace yourselves) he threw it back. That's right. Rather than spend the next year enjoying frozen catfish steaks, he chose to unleash this horrifying monster back on the unsuspecting Italian people. He's even keep his fishing spot a secret so no one else can catch it.

All in all, Dino only had a half hour to bask in his triumph. That was, however, long enough to snag some sweet (and gross) pics.


(via Sportex)


(via Sportex)


(via Sportex)

By the way, the folks at Gawker think Dino looks like Jon Hamm in this last picture. This is clearly the best week in this guy's life. Last week he was just an Italian bus mechanic. Now he's caught a record-breaking fish (for that kind of tackle) and he's being compared to one of the world's handsomest actors, who also has a big penis.

I'll be right back, I'm going to go buy some fishing gear.


Swedish police confuse 21st birthday party balloons with a message from ISIS.

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Man, won't those Islamic terrorists be embarrassed when they walk into this birthday party.


Lookout for those birthday candles, too. They could be a bomb.
(via Expressen)

Sarah Ericsson of Karlskrona, Sweden just celebrated her 21st birthday. For her party, she blew up large golden mylar balloons in the shape of numbers 2 and 1. The balloons appeared through the window to a nosy neighbor as reading "IS," for Islamic State.

The neighbor took a photograph of the propaganda, and reported her to police, causing them to begin an investigation into her terrorist affiliations.

You never want to be the neighbor who is too stupid to not recognize when ISIS is transmitting secret information via mylar in your own neighborhood.

When police arrived at Sarah's home on Monday to questions her, she was away at school, but her boyfriend, Fabien Åkesson was still in the house.


Sarah and her boyfriend Fabien, not planning a jihad. (via Facebook)

As Fabien told The Local, police caught him in the extremist act of brushing his teeth, and "immediately realized they had made a mistake."

I guess terrorists don't really stop to manage dental hygiene. Nevertheless, they were still against the birthday paraphernalia.

"They asked me to take down the balloons," Fabien told The Local. "So they avoid further misunderstanding."

Yes, they can't keep coming back as neighbors continue to see new messages as the balloons deflate.

Cheating man falls asleep with beautiful woman, wakes up with zero testicles.

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But it's not a metaphor.


Seems chill about it. (via Life News)

Dmitry Nikolaev is 30, a former soap opera star, an animator, and currently living out a real life revenge fantasy for scorned women everywhere.

Nikolaev performed at a small theater in Moscow and afterwards was approached in the bar by a young, attractive blonde lady. Nothing too suspicious about that (except that he was married). They drank some beer, they kissed, they went to a sauna. All very normal things for a Russian couple out on the town, experiencing new love. After that, he remembers no more until waking at a bus stop in excruciating pain with pants full of blood.

He was rushed to the hospital where it became clear that BOTH of his balls had been removed by a skillful surgeon. Police say that his testicles are probably being sold on the black market. For...transplants? Some casual Googling reveals that this is very unlikely, as the recipient of the surgery would be making little baby Nikolaevs. I'm really stumped as to why you wouldn't just adopt.

Hard to even be mad at your spouse when they've paid such a price for their wandering eyes, mouth and hands: their wandering balls.

Unseen problem.

Korean condom-maker's stocks get hard after national adultery ban lift.

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Time to diversify your cock portfolio.


Someone's excited. (It's this chart.) (via Google Finance)

Earlier today, South Korea's highest court struck down the country's adultery ban, which had been on the books since 1953. The ruling is being lauded as a success for individual rights, but it's also sending a big ol' rush of fresh blood to Korean condom makers and morning-after pill manufacturers.

The chart above shows the day's gains for Unidus Corp, a Korean latex company that makes, among other things, condoms. One of the other things that it now makes is more money. Lots of it.

Didn't get in on Unidus before the price rose? Don't worry. We can expect to see a related rise in the stock prices of whatever South Koreans buy at the grocery store to distract from the fact that they're also buying condoms.

House of lies.

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