Matt Lauer is having a ball pranking Ellen. Well, thousands of balls.

Ellen has been pranking the Today Show cast — especially Matt Lauer— for quite some time. This week, Lauer finally pranked her back, filling her car with thousands of ping pong balls while she was shooting her show.

The best part of this is seeing a legitimately surprised Ellen wading through a flood of ping pong balls. The worst part is then hearing Lauer stifle his own laughter to say "You have to admit, it took a lot of balls to pull off this prank." He had obviously been sitting on this terrible joke for weeks and was SO excited to say it.

Ellen promised to get Lauer back, so we should be able to expect some more pranks — and possibly bad jokes from Lauer — coming soon. Personally, I'm hoping that he just goes literal, fills Ellen's car with bull testicles, and says "It took a lot of testicles to pull this prank."

It's like Frost/Nixon, if Nixon were a frat boy.

There won't be another merry Christmas in this house until at least 2016.(via Philly Mag)

Earlier this week, we covered the story of Kappa Delta Rho, a fraternity at Penn State University that embodies all your worst prejudices against fraternities. The chapter was suspended after police learned that about a private Facebook page called "2.0" that was used by the Kappas for purposes ranging from chore scheduling to selling drugs and sharing naked pictures of women who had passed out at parties.

The frat has been suspended for a year, and although that might seem like a lenient punishment to some, at least one former Kappa feels like his brothers got a bum rap. He's so outraged, in fact, that he sent in this prepared statement to Philadelphia Magazine:

It is shameful to see the self-righteousness that has sprung from the woodworks in response to the alleged Penn State fraternity "scandal." Here's a quick reality check: everyone — from Bill Clinton to your grandfather to every Greek organization in the nation does the same old stuff, just as they have been for the entirety of human history. That's where that lil' old quip, don't throw stones if you live in a glass house, comes from. And believe me, we all live in a glass house. Thus it is laughably pathetic to see the media spring on an occasional incident such as this, especially a media complicit in overturning the same sexual mores and moral standards that for millennia had at least to some extent curbed outright licentiousness. The fire of indignant, misplaced self-righteousness that looks to ruin people's lives and unjustly ruin reputations is the abuse and violation that should be at the center of discussion, not the humorous, albeit possibly misguided, antics of a bunch of college kids.

When they read this, the staff of Philadelphia Magazine must have been ecstatic. They had hit a journalistic goldmine. If this guy was that incoherent in a written statement, how would he do in an interview? They immediately got in touch to schedule one, and luckily for all of us, the man agreed. The resulting interview included such gems as a comparison between the media's response to this story and Mediaeval witch hunts, an explanation of how Snapchat works, and this exchange:

Philly Mag: You said the page was funny. What was funny about it?

KDR member: It's not funny. Funny's not always the right word. It's satire.

I can't believe I never realized satire isn't supposed to be funny! Nobody tell my bosses I didn't know that. This is a humor website.

It's actually the perfect defense for him, because I don't know who would look at a picture of a woman, passed-out drunk and stripped naked, and think it was funny. There are two reactions to that picture: you're either disturbed if you're a normal person, or aroused if you're a total creep.

All in all, I'm going to say this interview didn't help the case of the Kappas. Really, the smart thing would be for all members, past and present, to hush up and hope the story blows over without anyone going to jail. Luckily, they don't seem that smart. And we'll be here to tell you about it, every step of the way.

Schoolhouse rocked.

(screengrab via NH1.com)

Ah, state representatives. They are some of the citizens most actively engaged with our political system—the people on the ground, making laws—so why are they always doing and saying stupid shit?

A class of fourth graders from Lincoln Akerman School in Hampton Falls, New Hampshire, wanted to learn about the process of a bill becoming a law. Instead of simply watching Schoolhouse Rock, they decided to draft a bill of their own—to make the Red Tailed Hawk the New Hampshire State Raptor—and then they went to Concord to see state representatives debate its merits.

Yes, that's right. The students and their teacher were at the State House when Rep. Warren Groen took the podium to complain about their choice of raptor:

"It grasps them with its talons then uses its razor sharp beak to basically tear it apart limb by limb, and I guess the shame about making this a state bird is it would serve as a much better mascot for Planned Parenthood."

(screengrab via NH1.com)

Whoa there, buddy. It's okay for voters to be one-issue voters, but it's not okay to be a one-issue legislator. There's really no need to shove abortion into a debate about state birds. Especially when a bunch of nine-years-olds are listening.

Millions of women rely on the Red Tailed Hawk for affordable reproductive services. (via Wikipedia/Allison Miller)

Surely someone would have something nice to say? If you guessed, "of course not," you're probably as hardened as these fourth graders now are. You're also correct. Next up, Rep. John Burt:

"Bottom line, if we keep bringing more of these bills, and bills, and bills forward that really I think we shouldn't have in front of us, we'll be picking a state hot dog next."

Jesus. The bill was rejected with a vote of 133 to 160.

At this point, I imagine most of the kids were in tears. All they wanted to do is learn about the political process and instead they discovered their elected officials are a bunch of lazy a-holes who don't give a crap about their constituents.

Oh right. Good work, teach!

This dragster just became its own parachute.

First of all, you should know that the driver is fine. There's no reason to feel bad about watching this video over and over and over.

I'm no gearhead, but it seems like that engine might be a little too powerful. Or else the car is too light. Aren't they supposed to be light, though? Maybe this sport is just a bad idea. That won't stop me from watching, though. In fact, here I go again.

That's his eager face.

It is my sincere wish in life to one day dance with as much joy and abandon as this SpongeBob SquarePants Beanie Babies toy that somebody placed into the groove between two extremely car subwoofers.

Just look at how much fun he's having! Why do non-sentient dolls have all the fun?

Happy birthday! Or maybe happy death day!

Despite the regular pairing of candles and balloons on birthdays, it turns out that putting a giant flaming candle underneath balloons is not a good idea, unless you like giant indoor fireballs. If you do like giant indoor fireballs, pairing balloons and candles is a great idea, as these birthday celebrators discovered.

Also, can we talk about the raw eggs cracked over the birthday boy's head? I know that's a tradition for some folks, but the only way I can think of making a birthday fireball worse is to be covered in raw egg when the fireball happens. Wait, no — if the fireball cooked a little of the raw egg while it was dripping down my face, that would be worse, and it would probably result in the nickname "omelet face." Omelet Face Favreau? No thanks.

You don't need money with a face like that, do you honey?

More than 20 years after its discovery, rare Ili pika was spotted in mountains of northwestern China: http://t.co/KByCQs23x5
— National Geographic (@NatGeo) March 19, 2015

National Geographic has obtained a photograph of a very rare, intensely adorable mammal, the Ili Pika, looking like he was just caught changing his clothes in front of an open window.

The Ili pika hides in the Tianshan Mountains of northwestern China. There have been only 29 instances of people seeing the creature live since its accidental discovery in 1983, which makes sense. If I were that cute, I'd want to hide too, for fear that any human in a twenty-mile radius would be looking to kidnap me and keep me tucked in with them at night in case they get nightmares.

Very little is actually known about Ili pika, so the scientist who originally discovered it, Weidong Li, went on a research trip this summer setting up camera traps in hopes of meeting his rare friend again. This summer, he was rewarded for his efforts as "a curious pika emerged from a gap in the cliff face," leading to the photograph above.

Since sightings have been so rare, very little is known about the Ili pika, but judging by its photo I'd say they are sentient, diminutive, furry bipeds native to the forest moon of Endor.

Cluck, cluck, cluck, roar fire.

I would pay good money to see Daenerys lovingly cradle a raw chicken.
(Image via Pixomondo/Thinkstock)

If you know me, you know that I think raw poultry (or anything that looks like raw poultry) is kind of hilarious. So obviously, I was absolutely delighted to find that at the core of every Game of Thrones dragon is a raw grocery store chicken.

Well, not literally. But according to a piece in the Washington Post about the creation of the dragons, the animators at Pixomondo used grocery store chickens to model the dragons' muscle and bone structure:

“I was looking for an animal so we can really discover how the muscles underneath should work,” said Sven Martin, Pixomondo's visual effects supervisor. “I called over all the animators and they all had to just play with the chicken … You could feel how the muscles underneath are moving and what are the restrictions, where the bone can't go. We built our dragon basically the same way.”

The article also included a rad video that shows some of the visuals of how the dragons were built. I'm an especially big fan of the spinning meat animation at the 2:49 mark:

Lol he's been demoted to woman.

This mostly just makes me miss the old Burger King mascot.

I should point out that Hillary Clinton has not yet declared her almost-definite candidacy for the presidency in 2016. In theory, that means she did not directly approve this ad (and the four-city lady-Bill tour) from Luke Montgomery, who created last year's "Potty-Mouthed Princesses" ad promoting feminist causes through very profane young girls. I thought that "Potty-Mouthed Princesses" was great. As for BillForFirstLady2016, not so much:

It's a good thing Clinton wasn't directly involved, because I'm not sure Hillary considers being First Lady this hilarious. A little hilarious, maybe, but considering that the question of "what the heck will Bill do, exactly?" never really got answered in 2008 (because of a whippersnapper named Barack Obama), this just leaves me with uneasy questions. Questions like "Why?" and "Who thought this was progress?" and "Who laughed at this?" and "Didn't The Onion already do this better?"

Yes, yes they did.(via The Onion)

It could just be the mask, though. Or the heels.

You'd think future First Ladies would want Bill to set a heel-free precedent.

This is odd, and let me say it before someone unfriendly does.

I realize it's supposed to be fun and lighthearted, but it's 2015 and that won't stop the outrage train for anything anymore. Let's get cynical and tear this thing apart as it so richly deserves. I'm a dude, and I'll limit my statements on gender to what I'm sure of: this makes me feel weird, and not in a fun way. It just feels off to root for the First Woman President while at the same time doing this:

Is the message that this is what Bill will be doing? Because I'd believe it.

The obvious reason is that no First Lady is ever portrayed like this, and it wouldn't really even be okay for the Second Lady. The less obvious one is that laughing at this particular flavor of drag relies on thinking it is a lower-status position (being a lady, not First Lady—obviously that's lower than President). If Bill were wearing swim trunks in this photo, it would just look like he wants to be First Gentleman so he can have sex while Hillary is occupied. You know, like how he looked when she was Senator or Secretary of State. Actually, it still looks like that.

Finally, I'm barely old enough to remember how Hillary was sold as a Very Serious First Lady.

Don't believe me? Just ask 90s Republicans.
New York Times, 1992—"Hillary Clinton as Aspiring First Lady: Role Model, or a 'Hall Monitor' Type?" by Maureen Dowd.

When Bill ran for prez in 1992, he often touted Hillary's credentials as a well-known lawyer and law school professor who had written influential opinions on children's rights and was seen as having national potential before they were even married. She also sat on the board of Wal-Mart, though that got brought up less. "Two for the price of one" was the line, and the idea was explicitly that you would get a First Lady with major policy chops. An idea that actually got put into practice with Universal Health Care.

"Can any of you dickhole congressmen even read these words?" - Hillary Clinton, 1993
(via Historyrat)

In the end, the healthcare initiative Hillary spearheaded failed in Congress because a) it was incredibly complex and easy to target with ads like 'Harry and Louise', b) Republicans were not very fond of her or her husband, and c) Democratic lawmakers put forward several of their own versions because circular firing squads are just Democrats' thing. Not to denigrate Laura Bush's literacy efforts or Michelle Obama's "Get Moving" program, but Hillary's stab at healthcare put the East Wing much closer to the lawmaking process than it's been before or since (not counting that time Woodrow Wilson had a stroke and his wife ran the country in secret). Whether or not you consider it a success, she tried to raise the policy profile of the position.

A position that will now be filled by a former president. If anything, we should be overjoyed that in addition to breaking the glass ceiling, a Hillary presidency would permanently change the First Lady position because Bill will demand something real to do. That means that every First Lady and Gentlemen afterwards will also get that chance. So, let's not pretend he's going to be practicing his heel-strut.

If you want to get people excited for Bill as First Gent and Hillary as Madam Prez, it shouldn't be this hard. Case in point: this other ad from Montgomery that starts off so well until Lady Bill shows up:

Dr. Pepper is a real doctor, guys!

She's a Pepper. A Pepper that's lived decades longer than most Peppers.
(Image via CBS DFW)

Don't tell your soda-craving kids this, but Fort Worth resident Elizabeth Sullivan just celebrated her 104th birthday, and she drinks three cans of Dr. Pepper every day. And, she says, "every doctor that sees me says it'll kill you, but they die and I don't."

Larry Young, the CEO of Dr. Pepper Snapple Group, personally gave Sullivan a gift basket and free Dr. Pepper. I don't know what Young's motivation was for the gift, but it seems like it's a smart PR move to point out that someone who drinks three sodas a day can live to 104. You can see the impressively spry Sullivan here:

Also, why the hell are doctors trying to tell a woman who's 104 what do? I think that once you hit 100, you should be able to get a free pass to do whatever you want. Like you know how if you make it all the way through high school, you get senior-year privileges because you suffered through all the other dumb years of high school? We should be giving people that for life.

You up?

Even more important than what you say in a relationship is what you text. When a relationship ends, it's the text messages (and the emails and the accidental pregnancies) that you're left with forever.

Eva and Mel of YouTube fame created this video of people reading the last text message they got from an ex (with "ex," defined as anyone they had any kind of relationship with). Remember: if you don't want your texts to be featured in a video like this someday, it's best to say hurtful things you can never take back in person.

The whole show is the grand finale.

This video comes to us from Midland, Texas. The local police, in conjunction with the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives, conducted a controlled demolition of approximately 20,000 pounds of illegal fireworks. The result is one of the weirdest, yet somehow most patriotic, fireworks displays we've ever seen.

There are a couple things to take away from this video. One is that Texans love their fireworks. 20,000 pounds is a massive amount. And that's just what the cops were able to confiscate. There could be mushrooms clouds like this popping up all over the state.

The other lesson is that we should give a lot of credit to the Texas branch of the ATF. Imagine if it was your job to take away Texans' four favorite things. They're not famous for cooperating with the federal government. If you mess with their beer, their dip, their guns, or their fireworks, they're likely to secede on you. The only thing worse would be if it was the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Beef, and Big Hats. Then we'd have another Alamo on our hands.

Sexist? You mean infextious!

I have a problem.

I can't stop listening to Meghan Trainor's "Dear Future Husband." I know. It's misogynistic, perpetuates gender stereotypes, and worst of all, isn't a good song. Also, the ad that plays before it is for Unfriended, and it's really creepy and gross.

But I just love it. The minute it starts playing, my mood brightens and I start dancing around. There's a lot of shoulder shimmying. I may even be snapping occasionally. It's very embarrassing.

So I'm just going to have to prove it's not sexist, so I can continue to listen to and love it with impunity. Here's the evidence:

1. She says she has a 9-to-5 job!

Right there in the song! "You got that 9-to-5, /But baby so do I!" She's pointing out that both she and her future husband will be working full time. Sounds like some old-school feminist values to me!

2. She can't cook for shit.

This is an important one, cause if you miss it, you're probably going to miss that the whole 50s housewife look is supposed to be ironic. She sets the damn apple pie on fire! She sucks at scrubbing the floor! She's wearing animal print and leather! She's mocking the whole set-up! Trust me, I've watched this video approximately 10,000 times.

3. She demands respect!

She's wants a "classy guy" without a "dirty mind." And she wants him to admit she's "never wrong"! If anything, that's a bit misandrist, don't you think? Don't you? Come on, guys! Let me have this!

4. The stuff she wants from the guy is what everyone wants from a guy.

Flowers? A ring? Compliments? Apologies after fights? For him to reassure her that everything's going to be okay? Not really that extreme. I want all those things and I'm a big ol' feminist. Beyonce wanted a ring, too, remember?! I refuse to feel guilty about this!

5. What finally wins her over is a pizza.

There's no better symbol of equality between the sexes than a pizza. No one has to cook. No one is watching their weight. It's a completely non-gendered food item. It's about being together—side by side—on the couch.

In conclusion, "Dear Future Husband" is the new feminist anthem. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to hit refresh.

It's great to see parents getting involved at school.

"If I break my neck helping you cheat, you better pass!"(via euronews)

The eastern Indian province of Bihar clearly has a lot of problems. Racked by poverty and failing schools, the government recently hit on a strategy to turn it all around: cash. Students from lower-caste families who get about half the questions right on their standardized tests receive a reward of 10,000 rupees ($160). And that's what led to this insanity right here:

Police who tried to disperse the parents were forced to retreat after being pelted by stones from the assembled crowd. Nothing was going to keep these people from getting those crib sheets to their kids.

Of course, it's not like the parents are motivated by petty greed. Most of these people are living in terrible poverty, and those 10,000 rupees would make a big difference for them. Also, passing this test is the only hope these children have of getting out of this area, and improving the quality of life for themselves and their families.

That's why there was such an outcry when 600 students were expelled from the school after this video wound up on the Indian news media. Many parents are accusing the Bihar school of hypocrisy, citing unqualified teachers who often can't pass fifth grade tests themselves, and corrupt test administrators who are easily bribed into looking the other way.

India may still be struggling with the legacy of the caste system, but if there's one thing that can pull it out, it's motivated go-getters like these folks. My parents always loved me, but they never climbed to a third-story window for me. And I asked.