I'm always here for you if you need someone to not care what you're talking about.

August 15, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — August 15, 2013

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — August 15, 2013

August 15, 2013, 6:55 am

≫ Next: My cosmetics drawer has a better foundation than our relationship.

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Are our football players superhuman freaks? Can a chicken waffle be a taco? How much older is the world's oldest man than you? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.

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My cosmetics drawer has a better foundation than our relationship.

August 15, 2013, 8:02 am

≫ Next: I'm on pre-vacation vacation.

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — August 15, 2013

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I'm on pre-vacation vacation.

August 15, 2013, 8:39 am

≫ Next: I'd rather you found out about my sexual history than my browser history.

≪ Previous: My cosmetics drawer has a better foundation than our relationship.

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I'd rather you found out about my sexual history than my browser history.

August 15, 2013, 9:30 am

≫ Next: You're so hot I finished before your Snapchat pic disappeared.

≪ Previous: I'm on pre-vacation vacation.

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You're so hot I finished before your Snapchat pic disappeared.

August 15, 2013, 9:40 am

≫ Next: Thursday is my favorite day to plan how I'm going to get out of the plans I already made for the weekend.

≪ Previous: I'd rather you found out about my sexual history than my browser history.

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Thursday is my favorite day to plan how I'm going to get out of the plans I already made for the weekend.

August 15, 2013, 12:06 pm

≫ Next: Thanks for enduring our groggy bleary-eyed morning sex.

≪ Previous: You're so hot I finished before your Snapchat pic disappeared.

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Thanks for enduring our groggy bleary-eyed morning sex.

August 15, 2013, 1:30 pm

≫ Next: I spent my entire birthday thanking people on Facebook for wishing me happy birthday.

≪ Previous: Thursday is my favorite day to plan how I'm going to get out of the plans I already made for the weekend.

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I spent my entire birthday thanking people on Facebook for wishing me happy birthday.

August 15, 2013, 2:16 pm

≫ Next: I am currently in the planning stages of a hangover.

≪ Previous: Thanks for enduring our groggy bleary-eyed morning sex.

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I am currently in the planning stages of a hangover.

August 15, 2013, 5:25 pm

≫ Next: The first thing I do when I get to work is check my Facebook until I go home.

≪ Previous: I spent my entire birthday thanking people on Facebook for wishing me happy birthday.

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The first thing I do when I get to work is check my Facebook until I go home.

August 16, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Before you head out on vacation, I just want to say I need you to work instead of heading out on vacation.

≪ Previous: I am currently in the planning stages of a hangover.

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Before you head out on vacation, I just want to say I need you to work instead of heading out on vacation.

August 16, 2013, 7:30 am

≫ Next: You're better off without someone as flaky as your old mascara.

≪ Previous: The first thing I do when I get to work is check my Facebook until I go home.

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You're better off without someone as flaky as your old mascara.

August 16, 2013, 8:20 am

≫ Next: I want to be the one everyone will wonder what the hell is doing with someone like you.

≪ Previous: Before you head out on vacation, I just want to say I need you to work instead of heading out on vacation.

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I want to be the one everyone will wonder what the hell is doing with someone like you.

August 16, 2013, 9:01 am

≫ Next: I love you just the way you could be.

≪ Previous: You're better off without someone as flaky as your old mascara.

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I love you just the way you could be.

August 17, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Sorry your summer vacation is in that body.

≪ Previous: I want to be the one everyone will wonder what the hell is doing with someone like you.

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Sorry your summer vacation is in that body.

August 18, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Even Walter White couldn't improve on the chemistry between us.

≪ Previous: I love you just the way you could be.

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Even Walter White couldn't improve on the chemistry between us.

August 19, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: I prefer white wines because they're easier to clean up whenever my child knocks over my glass.

≪ Previous: Sorry your summer vacation is in that body.

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I prefer white wines because they're easier to clean up whenever my child knocks over my glass.

August 19, 2013, 7:57 am

≫ Next: Summer interns going back to school means I'll have to go back to ogling coworkers my own age.

≪ Previous: Even Walter White couldn't improve on the chemistry between us.

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Summer interns going back to school means I'll have to go back to ogling coworkers my own age.

August 19, 2013, 8:25 am

≫ Next: My condolences to your new roommate.

≪ Previous: I prefer white wines because they're easier to clean up whenever my child knocks over my glass.

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My condolences to your new roommate.

August 19, 2013, 8:31 am

≫ Next: I'm the Jesse Pinkman of never giving away my money.

≪ Previous: Summer interns going back to school means I'll have to go back to ogling coworkers my own age.

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