5. Indiana Governor Mike Pence, because his 'Religious Freedom Restoration Act' has opened the door for the First Church of Cannabis.
Last Thursday, Governor Mike Pence signed Indiana's Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law. Although 19 other states and the federal government have enacted similarly worded laws with the same name, Indiana's is different because of a few subtle changes. Many legal scholars have interpreted these changes to amount to this: any business in Indiana is free to refuse services or employment to LGBT people if the proprietor doesn't approve of them for religious reasons. The law has created an outcry, and led to a boycott of the state by many businesses and individuals, but Pence says he won't back down.
However, there are consequences that Governor Pence and his GOP allies hadn't foreseen: the wording of the new RFRA doesn't just apply to discrimination by sexuality. It essentially amounts to a carte blanche for any religious organization, or religiously affiliated company, to conduct itself however it wants on the grounds of freedom of expression. Noticing that, Indiana marketing consultant and Grand Poobah Bill Levin has filed the paperwork to establish the state's newest religion: The First Church of Cannabis.
Now, if Pence or his office want to crack down on this church and its puffing priests, blazing bishops, and chronic congregants, they'll be exposed as hypocrites. The law was written vaguely enough so that the right to discriminate would be implied, but that same vagueness means Levin and his followers can now smoke as much marijuana as they want if it's part of a religious expression.
This is at least a small silver living for the LGBT population of Indiana. Even if they are excluded from local businesses, they can always relieve some of that frustration with a little wake and bake and pray. Call it a tokin' of appreciation.
4. The leaders of the G20 countries, because Australia accidentally leaked their personal information.
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The most powerful suckers in the world.(Getty)
Data breaches are an inescapable part of our modern world. No device connected to the Internet is safe, and hackers are always one step ahead of the most sophisticated security systems that corporations or governments can manage. And that doesn't even include governments just royally fucking up, like Australia did.
Last November, many of the world's most powerful leaders met in Brisbane, Australia for the annual G20 summit. The G20 means literally "the group of the world's 20 largest economies." Obviously, the host country has its work cut out for it, managing these leaders and their teams and maintaining their security. It's tempting to cut corners, but sending one email with the personal information of all the leaders, including their passport numbers and other private details, is a bad idea. Especially when you accidentally send that email to the people behind a soccer tournament… like Australia did.
After the organizers of the Asian Cup wondered why they were suddenly in the possession of the world's most sensitive information, the Australian government looked into the problem, and found it was a mistake made through Microsoft Outlook due to "human error." Hey Australia, you know who knows how to use Outlook? Anyone with a resume. Get your shit together.
Affected leaders include Barack Obama, Chinese President Xi Jinping, German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi. Those are basically the Super Friends of people you don't want to have mad at you. I hope you enjoyed being a world power, Australia. New Zealand can take it from here.
3. Scientology leader David Miscavige, because HBO aired his religion's dirty laundry.
If there's one thing the Church of Scientology depends on, it's secrecy. Actually, maybe it's money. And celebrity members. And those e-readers, they need those to get a thetan count. But none of that stuff would be any good if they didn't have their secrets. Those guys have more than a few skeletons in their closet.
That's why they're so outraged at HBO, which aired its documentary Going Clear on Sunday night. Oscar-winning director Alex Gibney did not hold back, interviewing former high-ranking officials and other defectors, and investigating the church's sordid history in a frank and brutal way. Here are a few of his most serious allegations:
- L. Ron Hubbard was in a black magic cult before founding the religion.
- The Church stole government documents.
- The Church maintains blackmail materials on high-profile members, including John Travolta.
- The Church has tortured members for disobedience.
None of this is good news for David Miscavige, Scientology's current leader. The more that comes out about his organization, the more it is in danger of falling apart. As it is, it maintains a pretty flimsy grasp on the 1st Amendment to defend its practices. Also, the documentary did a lot to discredit him personally, and it didn't even go into the fact that his wife hasn't been seen in seven years.
2. Comedian Ari Shaffir, who was exposed as a douchebag after he took potshots at a disabled comic in his Comedy Central special.
The process that led to the above clip is just a series of bad decisions. First of all, comedian Ari Shaffir decided to write a stand-up bit about a real person and a fellow comedian, making fun of her for being overweight and for missing an arm. Not only is this not the best way to establish likability onstage, it also would be obvious to everybody in the comedy community who he was talking about even if he hadn't said her full name (which he did). Next, he decided to include this bit on his Comedy Central special. And finally, nobody at Comedy Central thought to cut this out before they broadcast it, or even to suggest to Shaffir that it might be a bad idea. Of course, having been singled out and bullied in this way, comedian Damienne Merlina felt she had to respond:
Now, the Internet is weighing in on the story. Public perception has overwhelmingly favored Merlina, although some are defending Shaffir on the grounds of free speech. As a stand-up comic myself, I feel like I should give my point of view. Of course Shaffir had the Constitutional right to tell this bit, and Comedy Central had the right to air it. He was also legally entitled to identify Merlina by name. But doing it makes him a colossal prick.
1. A Pennsylvania man who tried to break into a house and left his credit card wedged in the garage door.
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I'm sorry sir, it's been declined. And you're going to jail.(stock photo)
This has been a pretty depressing Monday, so it's nice to end it with a good old-fashioned dumb criminal. Today, it's 41-year-old Brent Henry of East Butler, PA. Henry tried to break into his friend's home, but ran off when his friend suddenly appeared. Police might not have been able to identify him as the culprit, except he left behind a telling piece of evidence. With his name on it.
Henry had broken into the house by jimmying open the garage door with his own credit card, and left the card behind when he ran off. Not only could police trace him to the scene of the crime, they could also buy themselves a steak dinner on his tab if they'd wanted to.
Henry told the officers who arrested him that he had planned to steal gasoline to fill another friend's car. I don't want to know what this weird Pennsylvania gas triangle is about, but I'm glad it's over. If only for the sake of this guy's credit rating.
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