New York City now has a service to provide "touch-deprived" adults with platonic cuddle sessions.

This is either their ad, or the poster for a horror movie.(via The Ideal Cuddle)

New York City is a stressful place to live. Sometimes, after a long day of work, commuting, and strangers trying to cuddle you in public, you want to pay someone to cuddle you in private. That's the thinking behind The Ideal Cuddle, a new company started by lovers/cuddlers/entrepreneurs Noelia Bonilla and Charlie Amadiz.

For the right price, you could be in the middle of this picture.(via The Ideal Cuddle)

Bonilla and Amadiz are opening their home and their bed up to paying customers, offering to cuddle anyone who makes an appointment. A 45-minute session goes for $60, 60 minutes for $70, or 90 minutes for $100. You can cuddle with either of them regardless of your gender. For twice the money, you can cuddle with them both (so far, no takers). However, the cuddling is never allowed to become sexual. In fact, you're always on camera for exactly that purpose. They could probably make more money by selling that tape afterwards, but I don't want to tell them how to run their business. Also, that would probably be sexual. Bonilla had this to say about their mission:

“As an adult, having the arms of a man or someone else comfort you without the pressure to take it to the next level of intimacy is not something that exists in our day and age. We're both really focused and concentrated on spreading this kind of platonic love. People need that comfort in New York. Since we're so busy on the day to day, I'm sure people are touch-deprived.”

As self-proclaimed "cuddle specialists," they know what they're talking about.

Someone needs to teach these guys about consent.(via The Ideal Cuddle)

Maybe I shouldn't be such a hater. I'm sure some people will benefit from this service; it just seems destined for toruble. What are the odds that no creeps take advantage? They ask on their website that clients show up freshly showered, but are they enforcing that? And what about clothes? That bed is probably already bed bug central. I'm not paying $60 to cuddle with those blood-suckers.

I agree that living in New York is difficult, but it's usually an overabundance of human contact that's making me tense. There's already a service in New York where you pay to have your body pressed up against strangers. It's called the subway.

Or maybe it's an elaborate prank designed to identify everyone over the age of 27 online.

God, I love Homestar Runner, but this April Fool's tradition just makes me nervous every year that it's going to be taken away again. At least this year the show addressed April Fool's head on, and seems to promise they won't mess with anyone...online, at least.

Exactly one year ago today, April Fool's Day, a new video appeared on the most important Internet comedy site of all time, Homestarrunner.com.

This followed 3 years of total darkness. Obviously, everyone old enough to remember the Flash-based series that helped define online comedy was extremely excited, but the fact that it appeared on April Fool's Day...made everyone nervous, to say the least. Fortunately, the Brothers Chaps (the show's creators) started an actual modern YouTube channel and have posted a handful of Strong Bad Emails, shorts, and New Number One Jams over the year. It's nowhere near the update pace of early-2000s Homestar, but I'm just glad it's back. And that Strong Bad is finally on Twitter:

Witness the horror of the new Halloween cartoon: http://t.co/VsA0lEWC8Mpic.twitter.com/Zd3cEME7JF

— Strong Bad (@StrongBadActual) October 30, 2014

Catch up on the entire last season in less time than it takes for a dragon to devour the mangled body of a Meereenese villager.

The world is hectic and full of distractions. I know that. Obviously, you'd like to be familiar with that boobs and penis-heavy Dungeons & Dragons-esque show everyone's always talking about, but who has the time to sit through amazing episode after amazing episode of one of the most popular and compelling dramas of this current Golden Age of Television?

The Fine Brothers have created the above video just for you. In it, they recount every naked butt and imploded skull of the previous ten episodes of Game of Thrones in less than eight minutes, so that you can be all ready for the water cooler talk every Monday morning of this upcoming fifth season.

With all the time you saved not immersing yourself this cultural touchstone, you can watch this video in which the Fine Brothers sum up the first three seasons.

See also: If 'Game of Thrones' took place entirely on Facebook.

The one-of-a-kind aircraft is on loan from The Museum of Flight in Seattle.

If you live in the DC area and you're a fan of aviation, comic books, or just real things that aren't pranks, you should head down to the National Air and Space Museum today to check out a truly unique exhibit. Right now, the museum is featuring a classic piece of both Americana and Amazonia: Wonder Woman's invisible plane.

The plane, which is totally invisible, has been used by the superhero Wonder Woman in her adventures on the page and on screen since 1942. It is totally invisible to sight and radar, armed with invisible missiles, and is capable of spaceflight. It is unclear if the jet will be used in the filming of the upcoming Wonder Woman film starring Gal Gadot. Given its historical significance, however, it seems unlikely. They'll probably just use CGI. Since it's invisible, it might even look OK.

The illustration doesn't do it justice.(via Wikia)

The invisible plane has been part of the permanent collection of The Museum of Flight in Seattle since 2013. The staff at both museums worked very hard to bring it to the Smithsonian, but only for a very limited time. The plane is on display for one day only: today, April 1. After that, good luck even catching a glimpse of it.

Memories Pizza: "Who cares how it tastes? We hate gays!"

Being the worst pizza place in a state where only 2.7% of residents have Italian ancestry can't be done simply by making bad pizza. You have to get creative. That's what the incredibly clever asshats running Memories Pizza did when they got out in front of this "Religious Freedom" bill brouhaha to tell the first news camera they could find that they would refuse to sell pizza to gay weddings (and possibly just gays). This was as hilarious as it is offensive, so now the story is everywhere.

Memories Pizza "No service, with a condescending smile." (via ABC57)

Most of the jokes revolve around the idea that gay weddings are clamoring for pizza (let alone Indiana pizza), and the raw stupidity of the quotes from the O'Connors, Memories Pizza's owners. As one of the younger McPizza employees, Crystal O'Connor, told ABC57,

"If a gay couple came in and wanted us to provide pizzas for their wedding, we would have to say no. We are a Christian establishment. We're not discriminating against anyone, that's just our belief and anyone has the right to believe in anything. We definitely agree with the bill. I do not think it's targeting gays. I don't think it's discrimination... It's supposed to help people that have a religious belief."

Hateful like a fox!

"Doc, we gotta get you back to the future!" "It's too late, Marty! I've become an asshole!"
(via ABC57)

It's hard not to laugh out loud. Crystal is either the stupidest Hoosier currently breathing for not realizing she just described what discrimination is before saying "we're not discriminating," or, more likely, she's just peppering her grandstanding with the standard conservative imitations of political correctness so she can pretend she's above criticism.

Complete with an authentic Christian sneezeguard to protect salad from gays. (Facebook)

This is a play for angry Christian business, pure and simple. It's there. There's a reason Chik Fil'A sales rose dramatically after coming out as homophobic. The O'Connors probably do hate gays, deep down, but not as much as I think they love money. Every argument they use is just copied and pasted from talking points, like McPizza patriarch Kevin O'Connor's tired and nonsensical "the gays are flaunting it!" excuse:

"That lifestyle is something they choose. I choose to be heterosexual. They choose to be homosexual. Why should I be beat over the head to go along with something they choose?"

Anyone who actually thinks gays are beating them over the head with their lifestyle is simply sitting around and thinking about gays all day. I live in New York. I see gays making out all the time. Do you know what pisses me off when I see same-sex couples kissing on the street? That they're taking up too much sidewalk and making me late.

Memories Pizza sucks. I guarantee it. Pizza made by angry, manipulative Midwestern Irish Catholics? Yeah, that sounds really fucking delicious.

Robert Abercrombie (AKA Rob Venomous) filmed the moment he pulled his son James's tooth out with his muscle car.

Professional wrestling isn't just a sport, it's a way of life. Depending on how you look at it, it's not even a sport. But it's definitely a way of life.

So when wrestler Rob Venomous had to pull his son James's loose baby tooth, he wanted to do it with some flair. He tied a string to the kid's tooth, and instead of tying the other end to a door, he tied it to his cherry red 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. Then he gunned the engines, and BAM! Dentistry.

Apparently, James had been bugging his father to pull out his tooth with the car for days. Once Rob agreed, James's mother Bianca had to get on board. She finally relented, saying, "Boys will be boys." That's probably a sentence you have to say a lot when the father of your child is a professional wrestler.

As you can see in the video, the end result was pretty spectacular. The only thing that would make it better is if Rob had cut a promo first, threatening the tooth. They save that stuff for Pay-Per-View, though.

Do you love animated gifs?

Does the thought of sharing of a gif with your friends make you want to do a saxy dance?

Yes, just like that! Wouldn't it be nice if you could send animated gifs to your friends in the real world?

Precisely! Turns out there might be a service that's perfect for you!

Good point! The service is called GIFt, and it promises to download, box and send real life versions of all your favorite animated gifs.

My thoughts exactly! Here's a video explaining their whole process:

What are you waiting for?! Why not send real life versions of one of the animated gifs in this post to your friends today? I'm sure they're be eternally thankful for it!

The actor remembered his late friend with a post on Instagram.

Im told that today is the 20th anniversary of Tommyboy. Aside from that making me older than fuck i have to say thanks to everyone who saw it and has said nice things about it over the years. I was very lucky to be in this movie with one if the all time funniest mother fuckers the late great chris farley. Its hard to read but on the poster it says " david, lets stick together! Signed by chris. We gave each other autographed posters as a joke back then. Now i see it in my office and skim over it because if i think about that for more than 5 seconds ill start bawling. Like now. As chris would say. What a pussy #RIP
A photo posted by David Spade (@davidspade) on Mar 31, 2015 at 2:48pm PDT

It's hard to believe it's been 20 years since Tommy Boy came out. The 1995 comedy starring Chris Farley and David Spade had a big impact on the childhood of many 90s kids, myself included. It's also bizarre to think that it was only 2 years after the movie came out that Farley died tragically at 33.

In addition to working together, Farley and Spade were best friends. So when he found out today was the anniversary of the movie's release, Spade felt he had to publicly acknowledge how much he still misses his friend. He Instagrammed this poster for the movie, autographed for him by Farley as an inside joke, writing:

Im told that today is the 20th anniversary of Tommyboy. Aside from that making me older than fuck i have to say thanks to everyone who saw it and has said nice things about it over the years. I was very lucky to be in this movie with one if the all time funniest mother fuckers the late great chris farley. Its hard to read but on the poster it says " david, lets stick together! Signed by chris. We gave each other autographed posters as a joke back then. Now i see it in my office and skim over it because if i think about that for more than 5 seconds ill start bawling. Like now. As chris would say. What a pussy #RIP

With the fan base that Farley continues to have this long after his death, I'm sure Spade isn't alone in missing Chris. And if Farley were here to see so many people getting weepy thinking about him, he'd probably make us all feel better by falling through a table or something.

The best thing about corporate logos is watching this guy draw them.

A video posted by Seb Lester (@seblester) on Mar 22, 2015 at 6:01am PDT

You know that part near the beginning of Amelie when the narrator talks about how our heroine cultivates small pleasures, like sticking her hand into a bag of dry beans or cracking creme brûlée? I think that if Amelie had known about calligrapher Sebastian "Seb" Lester, watching his freehand logo-drawing videos on Instagram would also be on her list of small pleasures. (But let's not go too far down the path of reimagining Amelie with social media in it, yeah? That film would have turned into a five-minute short about a Craigslist Missed Connection).

It's kind of enthralling to watch Seb's steady hand at work, effortlessly drawing perfect lines and curves of familiar logos.

A video posted by Seb Lester (@seblester) on Mar 15, 2015 at 7:47am PDT

A video posted by Seb Lester (@seblester) on Mar 25, 2015 at 7:35am PDT

A video posted by Seb Lester (@seblester) on Mar 10, 2015 at 6:09am PDT

Seb's logos go beyond just the corporate, too. Check out these film and TV logos:

A video posted by Seb Lester (@seblester) on Jan 15, 2015 at 4:37am PST

A video posted by Seb Lester (@seblester) on Jan 26, 2015 at 7:34am PST

You can see more logos, as well as other awesome feats of calligraphy, on Seb's Instagram page. Also, if Seb doesn't seem badass enough already, this note is casually dropped on his About page: "His home studio is built into the banks of one of the oldest castles in England." NBD.

UKTV celebrated its new Drama channel by creating a chocolate replica of one of the UK's most beloved TV drama stars.

Now this is an Imitation Game.(UKTV via Flickr)

Benedict Chocobatch is a lot like his namesake: he's tall, ethereally handsome, well-dressed, and women are obsessed with him. The major difference is that his acting doesn't have as much range. He can't even lift his arms. But considering he's made of pure Belgian chocolate, I don't think it matters. He's still castable. Just think of him as eye candy.

British broadcaster UKTV commissioned the confection to promote its new Drama channel, dedicated exclusively to TV dramas. The network held a contest to find the UK's most beloved TV drama actor, and Benedict Cumberbatch took it home, beating out heavy hitters like Idris Elba, David Tennant, and Sean Bean. It's just a good thing they specified "drama," or else the winner would definitely have been Rowan Atkinson. Once they figured out the most popular actor, there was only one logical thing to do: sculpt him out of chocolate.

The statue contains nearly 500 choclate bars, weighs 40 kg, and took over 250 man hours to produce. This video shows the process:

The Chocobatch statue will be on display at Westfield Stratford City on April 3rd. Until then, here are some more images to whet your appetite:

He has to look his best for the red carpet.(UKTV via Flickr)

A surprising number of women have had this fantasy. (UKTV via Flickr)

For the past 30 years, Joey Skaggs has put out a press release for a non-existent April Fool's Day Parade in New York... but don't tell the Chinese.

The above video is in English and aimed at Americans, but make no mistake, it's Chinese. Specifically, it's from the SinoVision English Channel, which is exactly as state-sponsored as it sounds: very. Unfortunately for the American reporter they've hired, Christie Clements, Chinese media's bullshit detectors have atrophied from decades of Orwellian propaganda at home, so they sent her out to cover New York's famed April Fool's Day Parade...which does not exist. Here's a sample from the press release that fooled SinoVision:

The April Fool's Day Parade has been a running joke since 1986, propagated by eternal prankster Joey Skaggs, who has duped CNN into running a story about replacing juries with ominously-named "Solomon Project" computers, told Good Morning America about his "Fat Squad" of angry Marines who would physically force you to diet, and appeared in Ms. magazine as the CEO of a celebrity sperm bank. Oh, and he got a lot of people to show up in Mahhattan to see "Bigfoot":

Wait, what's the prank? I have now successfully seen Bigfoot. (via Joe Skaggs)

In (a very tiny) defense of SinoVision, the idea of the fake April Fool's Day Parade is actually a pretty good one: people make floats and costumes satirizing "fools" from the past year of politics, news, and culture. It also explains why Chinese TV would be so happy to feature it, since it (if it existed) makes fun of the US power elite. Ironically, the Chinese probably wouldn't emphasize the "Hands Up, Don't Shoot!" theme of this year's (non-existent) parade, since they usually want to portray police crackdowns like in Ferguson as the normal behavior of world powers.

See also: The most entertaining instance in history of China's state newspaper believing a story in The Onion.

So, Marvel, whose leg do I have to hump around here to make a pets-in-costumes blockbuster?

Dear Marvel, I would like to ask you a simple question: why not?

I mean, if NBC can put Allison Williams in tights, throw her a few cue cards and call it a live musical production of Peter Pan, why can't you just make an Avengers pet movie for fifty bucks (ok, probably a little more since you have to use SAG pets)? That way, I can have something to put on TV to keep my dog quiet when I leave the house... yeah, that's it. That's why I want to watch it. Sure.

But seriously, have you seen Milo and Otis? That looks way harder to shoot than greenscreen.

I'M JUST SAYING.

This gift just proves that, like her character April Ludgate, Aubrey Plaza is creepy as all hell.

Where does Aubrey Plaza end and April Ludgate begin? It can be hard to tell sometimes, which isn't particularly surprising. Parks and Rec co-creator Michael Shur described his first meeting with Plaza in this way: "Aubrey came over to my office and made me feel really uncomfortable for like an hour, and immediately I wanted to put her in the show."

The Aubrey/April crossover became especially apparent on The Late Late Showlast night when James Corden revealed what Plaza gave cast mates as a Parks and Rec wrap gift: "small vials with blood, hair, fingernails, and glitter." That's so April Ludgate, I'm surprised it was never written into the show.

Also, as a dark-hearted individual, I am super jealous that Plaza thought of giving that to someone as a gift before I did. Although I did mail some of my dead skin to a friend once, so at least I still have that going for me.

At almost a month old, baby Eli has no nose or olfactory system, but his mom says he's "perfect."

There are only 37 cases of Eli's condition worldwide. (via Eli's Story on Facebook)

When baby Eli was born on March 4, 2015, everything seemed normal — the doctor placed Eli on his mother Brandi McGlathery's chest, and helped his father, Troy Thompson, cut the umbilical cord. Then Brandi looked at her baby, and as she told AL.com,

"I pulled back and said, 'Something's wrong!' And the doctor said, 'No, he's perfectly fine.' Then I shouted, 'He doesn't have a nose!'"

The doctor took Eli away, then finally came back and confirmed — Eli had no nose. Thankfully, though, he had started breathing through his mouth right away, and a tracheotomy at five days old has helped him breathe even easier.

Brandi and Eli. (via Eli's Story on Facebook)

Eli's condition is called complete congenital arhinia, which affects 1 in 197 million people. You can see the li'l peanut, who his mother describes as a "miracle baby," in this video from AL.com:

I love that a little kid asked Iggy Azalea about her boob job, and I love Iggy's answer even more.

At the Kids' Choice Awards, Extra had a special interviewer on the red carpet— 10-year-old General Hospital actor Nicholas Bechtel. Even though he's wee, Bechtel asks questions like the big kids — including asking Iggy Azalea why she's been talking about her boob job so much. But perhaps even more surprising than Bechtel asking the question is how awesome Azalea's answer is.

Let me say this first — I think breast implants are dumb. I'm not saying anything new here, but we should be celebrating healthy, real bodies — male or female — and spending our time and money promoting self-esteem. The fact that it's even an option to shove sacs of silicone into our chests just so we can increase the size of our existing breasts is kind of crazy to me.

That said, I love Azalea's answer. If you are going to get plastic surgery, own it! If you like the work you had done, be proud of it! Because what's dumber than getting a boob job? Getting a boob job and then saying you didn't.

This is of the (many) things I loved about Joan Rivers. She got plastic surgery, she was happy to tell you about it, and she didn't give a shit about what you thought — because it's what she wanted to do. As she said in an interview with Entertainment Weekly, "If you can fix it, fix it! If it makes you happier."

So I never thought I'd be saying this, but nice job, Iggy Azalea. Enjoy those breasts.

"I wish there was a machine that made 20 Jell-O shots every 10 minutes," said no one ever except people with drinking problems.

Bartenders, look upon thy future and tremble. (via Jevo)

Meet the Jevo: The machine that promises to make already-annoying bars even more of a shit-show. Created by "serial entrepreneur" Jeff Jutton, the Jevo uses individually flavored Keurig-style pods to create its shots. For example:

Mmm, Celebration Cake! My favorite festive non-birthday dessert-style flavor treat. (via Jevo)

According to People, "the company has raised over $4 million in funding for the device, which it launched last week at the Nightclub and Bar Show in Las Vegas." The large amount of funding isn't surprising, since the Jevo site lists several places that could use the technology, including "national chain, mid-size and small nightclubs, bars, restaurants, casinos, resorts, cruise lines, family entertainment centers and gentleman's clubs." Because every time I've been to a family entertainment center, my main thought has been, "Man, I wish there were more Jell-O shots here in this place where a lot of children are running around!"

Perhaps even more hilarious is that the company eventually hopes to expand into the healthcare industry, since the shots don't have to contain liquor — they could contain vitamins, medicines, or concentrated protein instead. I hope this technology becomes wide-spread before the inevitable day I end up in a mental hospital, because all I want is to have a Jell-O shot of Pina Colada-flavored anti-psychotic drugs.