This 30 second video is probably the most you're gonna get until 2017, so savor it.

I mean, if you're into that kind of thing. To enjoy this teaser trailer you really have to be a masochist. All we get to see is Jamie Dornan covering up more of his body, which is the wrong direction. At least it doesn't feature the Dakota Johnson and the notorious lack of chemistry between the series' leads. But people who are fans will be disappointed and people who are skeptical of these movies will find little to change their minds.

If you are on the fence about seeing any of the 50 Shades franchise, may I suggest sneaking alcohol into the theater to smooth the experience? They make wine in a can now. Meanwhile, for the fans, here are some of the sexy trailer mash-ups from the first round, just to keep you....anticipating.

Here's "50 Shades of Buscemi" (surprisingly sexy, don't knock it 'till you try it):

And "50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey" (made me uncomfortable, but some people like that):

This is conduct unbecoming of Captain America.

Oh, stars and their goofy antics. Clowning on each other like a bunch of dopes… they're just like us, except infinitely more attractive. It's important for a major tentpole movie with a large cast like Avengers: Age of Ultron to establish that all the stars are good friends. Fans wouldn't be as inclined to see it if they thought they were just going to see superheroes pretending to like each other. And then the movie might only make a billion dollars.

The public school system is so efficient they haven't needed to buy new meat since 2009!

Well, it LOOKS fine.(screenshot via Wate)

Several schools in the Hawkins County system have reported that children were served meat that had been sitting in freezers for six years. According to Wate, a concerned parent and Hawkins County commissioner, Michael Herrell, was texted a picture that showed meat dated for 2009 from a cafeteria worker. He started investigating and found that the meat had been served at several schools in the district. One cook at Cherokee High School said he'd complained about the quality of the meat, but was told by his manager to cover it with gravy to improve the flavor. Yum!

Our hero.(screenshot via Wate)

Here is Herrell explaining why he's upset about the situation, aside from the general "ick" factor:

“They go to school, and that might be the only meal they get all day long, and it just very upsets me that these kids are going to school to get that meal. It just didn't go over well with me when I heard we were feeding these kids meat that's dated 2009."

You can watch the video down below to hear this thoughtful commentary in his beautiful, lilting Tennessee accent.

Villain? Or beleaguered administrator?(screenshot via Wate)

Steve Starnes is the co-director of schools in Hawkins County and has been fielding complaints since the mystery meat situation came to light. He has vowed to make changes in their inventory system to prevent something like this from happening again, but claims he doesn't know how the meat's date could have been over-looked and served.

Can you tell us something about this, sir?

This graphic is a bit dated, too.(screenshot via Wate)

I had always wanted to be on a game show, specifically Jeopardy! I thought it would be a fun and easy way to make a lot of money. I was wrong.

My first mistake was wearing a sweater that had the same pattern as the backdrop. Also, not wearing my retainer in junior high. (Via J! Archive)

I had a good day job, but it didn't quite cover the cost of living in the beautiful resort town where the job was located. Also, it was becoming clearer everyday that our baby would someday need braces.

A reasonable person would get another job, or ask for a raise. I thought: Jeopardy!

Why? Because although my day job didn't pay enough, the job was compiling trivia books. In other words, I absorbed potential Jeopardy!fodder all day, every day. It was a no-brainer. How could I not make it onto Jeopardy!and then not lose at Jeopardy!? I even thought that if the show found out what I did for a living, they wouldn't let me on it, like I was that much of a ringer.

I got on Jeopardy!

So, I took the online Jeopardy!contestant knowledge test. I did well enough to get an audition (a second knowledge test, and then a mock game of Jeopardy!in a hotel conference room to gauge if you're a lively enough person to be on TV). And then, 10 agonizing months later, the producers of Jeopardy!called me and told me to report to their studios in January 2009, because I was going to be on Jeopardy!I jumped up and down and then vomited, because that's a thing I do. My wife and I flew to Los Angeles, stayed in the hotel where the Jeopardy! Contestant Shuttle Bus would pick me up very early on the appointed day. After a silent bus ride with a dozen or so other nervous and/or super-focused silent people, we arrived at the studio where they shoot Jeopardy!

First, they put us through a rehearsal on the Jeopardy!stage to learn how to use the buzzer, fit us for mic packs, and see if any of us needed a little stool to stand on behind the podium. (Number of people who needed a stool that day: just me, thanks.) The set is much smaller than it looks on TV, and for how gleamingly metallic and futuristic it seems, it was surprisingly dingy. The podiums were scratched up, the floors were scuffed, and everything was made of plastic. They remodeled a month after I was on the show, due to the widespread adoption of unforgiving HDTV.

Then, we all went to the green room to wait for our episode. Between stomachaches and nervous laughing fits, there was only one real topic of conversation. At least six people brought up that famous episode of Cheers, where know-it-all Cliff Clavin goes on Jeopardy!, gets categories that seem handpicked for him, racks up a huge lead, and then blows it. “I'd like to get categories like he did," I heard many different people say, “but I wouldn't choke like he did." Discussing this was both an act of bonding among contestants, and also a way of warding off the Evil Eye, if you will – to invoke the thing that terrifies you is to rob it of its power.

After about six hours of waiting, I was picked to go tape my episode. I would be competing against a renaissance faire performer named Diane, and Daniel, the returning champion who won his episode even though he had the flu. The studio lights went down, announcer Johnny Gilbert read off our names (“Brian Boone, a writer from Ashland, Oregon." That's meeee!) and the mustache-free-era Alex Trebek gallantly trotted out onto the stage.

I killed on Jeopardy!

In his first round, Cliff Clavin got a “dream board" of categories like “Beer," “Bar Trivia," and “Celibacy." My categories included “The Play's the Thing," “Record of the Year Grammys," and “Sushi." This was mydream board. I have a degree in theater, I had just finished writing a book of music trivia, and, uh, I liked sushi a lot, I guess? When he got his dream board, Cliff shouted, “I'm feeling lucky today!" I didn't do that, but if you caught this episode, you could faintly hear a joyous, involuntary “hoot!" from the studio audience. That was my wife, because everything was coming up Brian Boone.

Cliff Clavin initially destroyed his competition. So did I. I went through entire categories, just peeling off the answers.

What is Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Who is Henry Mancini?

What is wasabi?

At the first commercial break I had $5,000 and a solid lead. I even killed at the “meet the contestants" portion, by which I mean I got a laugh when Alex Trebek and I talked about a play I wrote, and I quoted the nasty review it got.

The game resumed and I resumed crushing it. In "Sushi," I uncovered the first Daily Double. Now, this is one of the few things you can actually strategize in a game that's mostly luck and speed. The strategy I'd worked out beforehand was if I landed on a Daily Double, I'd make it a “true Daily Double" and wager it all. The idea to “go big or go home" especially made sense at this moment, because I was breezing through the game. How could I lose? Easy money!

Anago is the salt water type of this fish. Unagi is the fresh water.

“What is tuna?"

The audience groaned. Trebek condescendingly said, “I'm sorry, no," and Daniel swooped in and got it. (The answer, or “question," was “eel.") That left me with a score of $0, but I worked my way back up and by the end of the first round I had both $6,400 and the lead, although it was a narrow one.

Look at us, playing our silly little game in defiance of a tornado. (ViaYouTube)

I choked on Jeopardy!

I was apparently also visibly disturbed, because during the commercial break between rounds, one of the contestant coordinators came over to chat me up. These game show “fluffers" try to keep you perky and TV-ready, rather than quiet, introspective, and turning a ghastly white because you got what golfers call “the yips" after a major gameplay error. The fluffers do this by asking you personal questions to distract you. Also, a makeup woman put more makeup on me because I'd turned a ghastly white.

The next round began, and once more the categories seemed handpicked by the universe for me “Movie Taglines." “Before They Were President." Unfortunately, one of the categories was handpicked by the universe for Diane, the renaissance faire worker. It was “The Tudors." The clues were about kings and knights, but reinforced with clips from The Tudors, that Showtime series that predated and wasn't as good as Game of Thrones. Since Diane was in third place when the round began, she got to pick first, picked “The Tudors," and went five-for-five.

She got the traditional Jeopardy! round of applause for running a whole category, but this did not kill my resolve. There were still all of the other categories left on the board, including two Daily Doubles.

I would like to say that I learned my lesson, and that if I landed on another Daily Double, I would not recklessly bet my entire winnings again. But I got another Daily Double. And because it was in a category in which I thought I was quite strong (“Before They Were President"), I did a really dumb thing and I made it a true Daily Double. Again. I'm sorry.

He was Ben Franklin's successor as minister to France.

You know it's Thomas Jefferson. Heck, Iknew it was Thomas Jefferson. But I answered “James Monroe," a president most notable for being so short he would've needed a stool on Jeopardy!At the beginning of this round, I'd had $6,400. By the Daily Double, I'd had $4,000. And now, once more, I had $0.

Pictured: me. (Via YouTube)

I kind of gave up at that point. The fire was out, extinguished by feeling sick and embarrassed about being too overconfident and getting knocked down a peg during a nationally televised bucket list item. I was too slow to get to the buzzer first on even the questions I did know, but I did manage to ring in some more, get a couple right, and near the end of the game, selected the punishing and obscure sounding “Asian Geography" for $1,200.

Oh look, the other Daily Double.

I wanted to make sure I was around for Final Jeopardy!—because nothing is more depressing on Jeopardy! than an empty podium during “Final Jeopardy!". So, I stuck to my true Daily Double strategy (why quit now?) and wagered all of my $400.

“You want to be around for Final Jeopardy!, huh?" Trebek actually asked.

(Via MemeCrunch)

[Side note: During commercial breaks, Trebek takes questions from the studio audience. There was a school group there that day, and a kid asked him if he liked the new president, Barack Obama. “He seems like a very nice man," Trebek said, “but I'm worried he's going to raise my taxes."]

I lost on Jeopardy!

The clue wanted the name of a region in China, so I guessed Manchuria. Finally, I'd gotten a Daily Double correct, albeit the third and final and most financially useless one. But a few moments later, I'd eked my way into Final Jeopardy! with a take of $800. However, Daniel had $9,400, and Diane had $15,800, so me winning was mathematically impossible, which is the worst kind of impossible, because it involves math.

We all got the final clue right; the category was “TV Characters" and it was about a baby being born in 10,000 B.C., so the correct reply was Pebbles Flintstone. Diane won, and she erupted in a display of both excitement and grand relief. (My wife was sitting next to Diane's college-bound son in the audience, perfectly explaining her reaction.) Then we all stood on the stage and talked to Trebek so they had footage to roll the credits over. When the director yelled, “All Clear!" to indicate taping was done, Trebek broke into a near sprint and was gone. Diane was in the middle of a sentence to him.

I went home and everyone I knew asked me how I did…except that I couldn't tell them, because you have to sign a form saying you won't, to protect the sanctity of competition or something. Also it was nice not to have to tell the story of messing up on Jeopardy! over and over again. Everyone would get to see it go down on TV soon enough. Right before my episode aired, I received my “parting gifts." Gone are the days of a case of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat. On Jeopardy!, you get a small appearance fee (which covered hotel, airfare, and the iPod I bought right after my flameout in a bout of retail therapy), as well as a Jeopardy! picture frame for the photo they give you of yourself and Alex Trebek.

Alex Trebek looks a lot like my dad, which brings the embarrassment of failure to a very deep and obvious place. (Via Brian Boone)

Then it aired on TV, and people were very kind and very cool. Except for my brother, who was super brother-y. After it was over, he called me and sang into the phone, “you lost on Jeopardy! / baby/ ooooooooooooo."

But, at the end of the day, Jeopardy! is primarily watched and enjoyed by old people. I know this because of the many older ladies who approached me on the street in the week after my episode aired. This exchange occurred like five times:

“Excuse me, young man, were you on the TV the other night?" I would reply in the affirmative, and they'd say, “Good for you for doing that. I never could make it onto that show, that's for sure, and if I did, I'd freeze up!" Then they would add, “And you looked so handsome!"

Am I proud that I got to do something that very few people get the privilege to do, and do I realize that it's a cool thing just to make it onto Jeopardy!in the first place? Of course. There are just easier ways out there to make money.

The videos below show Dr. Sandra Lee's claim to fame: squeezing out the bad/good stuff.

Resting my blistered feet before the next trek. #goodnight #myachingtoes #ineeddrscholl

A photo posted by Sandra Lee, MD (@drsandralee) on Mar 22, 2015 at 12:18am PDT

Not everyone knows that zit-popping videos on the Internet exist and are wildly POPular. The people who do know probably know because they love watching them. If you didn't know, but you're open to exploring, then continue with this post. If not...these videos aren't for the faint of heart.

Not only are these sorts of videos popular, with dedicated YouTube channels and sub-reddits, they have their own celebrities. Dr. Sandra Lee is one, with an Instagram following of almost 9,000 and a YouTube channel with almost 70,000 followers. She's not just a pimple popping fetishist. Dr. Lee is a board certified dermatologist, skin cancer surgeon, and cosmetic surgeon, who is a regular guest on TV's The Doctors. She told The Guardianthat she hit on posting popping vids almost by accident when she uploaded a blackhead extraction and noticed a big jump in her Instagram followers, with friends and fans tagging each other to watch. She wrote to them:

"There is something hypnotic about pimple popping. Sometimes when I upload my own videos I find myself watching certain parts over and over."

Get ready to be hypnotized by Dr. Lee's soothing voice and perfect extractions:

The video has been uploaded!! Enjoy! #blackhead #extractions #dermlife
A video posted by Sandra Lee, MD (@drsandralee) on Apr 15, 2015 at 8:23pm PDT

Less mild:

Good morning! I uploaded another little blackhead vid to my YouTube channel yesterday. Enjoy! Have a great weekend!


A video posted by Sandra Lee, MD (@drsandralee) on Apr 12, 2015 at 9:29am PDT

Spicy:

Presently... #blackhead #milia #whitehead #extraction #dermatology


A video posted by Sandra Lee, MD (@drsandralee) on Apr 22, 2015 at 10:47am PDT

Maybe too much:

Do you know the difference between a Hardpop and a Softpop? Find out TODAY on @thedoctorstv when I talk about the gross videos I post on my YouTube! @thedoctors


A video posted by Sandra Lee, MD (@drsandralee) on Apr 28, 2015 at 8:40am PDT

AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Only for the hard core poppers -- just uploaded a video of my Best of, HardPops to my YouTube channel. Goto DrSandraLee. Enjoy! #friday #hardpop #pimplepopper


A video posted by Sandra Lee, MD (@drsandralee) on Mar 27, 2015 at 7:33am PDT

Well, if you've discovered something new about yourself there's plenty more where that came from. Remember, do not try to extract or squeeze anything at home! Even if you think you can get great iPhone footage.

83-year-old Ronald Dorff was charged more for a month of dial-up internet than he lives on for a year.

If you're frustrated with your Internet provider, be thankful you're not Ronald Dorff of Woodland Hills, CA. He came frighteningly close to being financially ruined by a single AT&T bill, and had to go public to set things right.

Dorff is 83, and a great-grandfather, but he still lives alone. He's dependent on Social Security checks to get by, which is probably why he's the only person still using dial-up Internet. But that strategy backfired when his bill shot up from $51 one month to $8,431. He contacted AT&T, who said they would send a technician to his house, but never did.

Dorff, coming from a generation when customer service still served customers, assumed that meant the problem was fixed. That is, until he got his next bill, which came in at a whopping $24,298. That's more money than Social Security (his only income) pays him in a year. He told KCAL:

"If they're going to insist on me to pay the bill, my financial stability is gone."

This time, AT&T bounced Dorff between several representatives on the phone before finally sending a technician, who immediately discovered the problem. Dorff's dial-up modem had been dialing a long-distance number for hours on end, racking up huge charges. It was a simple fix, but when Dorff asked AT&T if his bill he adjusted, he was given a flat "no."

That's when he decided to take his story to the media. Fearing negative publicity, AT&T immediately backed down. In a statement to KCAL, a representative said:

"We have waived the charges and explained to him how to use a local number to reach his service."

Isn't that nice? Not only did they agree not to financially destroy him once they were exposed, but they gave him a last touch of condescension for the road. Class act of the week!

Makin' a Bee-line to the big time.

Samantha Bee is the longest-serving correspondent on The Daily Show, which would be a good enough epitaph for me to die happy, but she's also leaving Stewart and the gang to host her own news-based comedy show on TBS. (Her husband Jason Jones held the title for most field pieces by any correspondent, and he is also departing to star in a sitcomnew scripted comedy.) So, amidst a year of change and transition in late-night chuckle-news' most hallowed institution, The Daily Show created this farewell sizzlereel for longtime senior female correspondent, Samantha Bee.

It's not just funny—looking back really reminds you how often the show, particularly in Bee's hands, delved into real issues of race, gender, health, the military, gay rights, religion, and good-old fashioned depressing American truth.

Good luck in the new show. Thanks for making me feel really nostalgic and old today, Sam.

Like being raided isn't bad enough, now everyone knows you need a reminder for getting blazed.

Are ur Saturdays hectic like this!!! To do list located at search warrant in Cooby. #MurdochLPT3pic.twitter.com/KdpMbdEYMq
— Murdoch Police (@MurdochPol) April 30, 2015

There's not a lot of info about the raid or the fate of this poor stoner who never got to fulfill his to-do list. The Murdoch, Australia police force found this paper when they entered a home near Perth, searching for evidence related to a burglary. They tweeted this pic out and, honestly, it's pretty ambitious for a Saturday that so heavily involves getting baked. It reads:

Things to do Saturday:
1. Get up get ready
2. Get bus fare
3. Go to bus stop
4. Get 513 to _____
5. Go get lunch (chips and gravy)
6. Go KMart and shopp
7. Go bus stop
8. Go_____and dye hair
9. Go home and get a stick
10. Chop up and get stoned

Pretty rude of the cops! What happens on our to-do lists should stay on our to-do lists. I think we've all written reminders for ourselves we wouldn't want people to know about. Who hasn't needed that extra directive to "get up get ready?"

"A stick" is slang in Australia for a small amount of marijuana wrapped up in aluminum. It might be slang for that in the U.S. too, I'm not that hip. Well, hopefully this guy's out on bail now and relaxing. We can all guess how.

An Italian man apologized to Pope Francis after assuming his phone call was a prank.

The pope was amused by the mistake. Nothing fazes this guy!(Getty)

The next time you get a phone call from someone claiming to be the pope, don't hang up. Unless he asks you if your refrigerator is running. Then it's a prank. Or if he asks you for your social security number. Then it's a scam. Or if it's a woman. The pope's a man.

Franco Rabuffi never got this advice, which is why he hung up on the real Pope Francis twice in a row on Monday. Rabuffi had written to the pontiff to tell him about his illness, but he never expected to get a call back. But the pope made a special point of calling Rabuffi to comfort him. In fact, Pope Francis often calls people who write to him. He's done it since he was inaugurated. It's all part of his mission to be the most popular pope since Saint Peter.

It wasn't until the pope called him back a third time (he just doesn't give up) that Rabuffi realized he was speaking to the genuine article. He told Vatican newspaper l'Osservatore Romano:

“I was speechless but Francis came to my rescue, saying that what had happened was funny."

This is a marked contrast from Pope Benedict, who probably would have marked Rabuffi down for a little extra purgatory just for the slight.

Rabuffi appeared at the pope's Vatican audience on Wednesday to apologize. But if he really wanted to make things right, he should have brought a pizza. Francis can't resist those.

He doesn't know he's making that sound and it's making him mad.

Buck the puppy is an 8-week-old Heeler. Like all puppies, he thinks he's a full-grown wolf who has to defend himself and his family from any possible dangers. And what could be more dangerous than a mysterious, uncontrolled noise coming from his own body?

This is like watching a dog chase his tail, but even cuter because it's a puppy and he's chasing his own insides. If he could, I bet he'd travel into his own body Fantastic Voyage-style. That's what a warrior Buck is.

1. Madonna, forgetting her mic is hot when she craps on a fan's gift.

People who work in media, especially celebrities, have to be "on" 24/7. Sounds pretty impossible, right? That's because it is. Eventually, there will be slip-ups. Take Madonna, for instance. She is at a damn press conference, yet she still casually announces how much she hates hydrangeas after an adoring fan hands her one. She even adds, "He obviously doesn't know that," because Madonna's flower preferences are usually foremost in all our minds.

Can't hate on her or any of the following people too hard, though. If they weren't occasionally oblivious, arrogant or just plain high, we'd be less entertained. And if you pity them, remember...they're millionaires. Here's eight people who just plain forgot for a second that they were on television.

2. Whoopi Goldberg farting on "The View."

Farts happen. Sometimes they happen on live television.

3. Ashlee Simpson completely blowing her own spot on SNL.

Most singers use a backing track during performances at some point, so the really embarrassing moment here is that dance-and-wander-off move. If you're going to freak out, commit to your freak-out for the full 3 minutes. Then she threw her band under the bus! Ouch.

4. Zac Efron dropping a condom on the red carpet at a kid's movie.

Hey, using a condom is a smart move, so I'm very glad Efron had them. Still, he could probably afford to go on a condom run AFTER attending the premiere for The Lorax–the guy has a chauffeur. Unless he was getting laid at some point in the movie theater? Kinky.

5. 50 Cent throwing out a terrible first pitch at a Mets game.

Typically, celebrities think because they're good at one thing (rapping), they're probably good at everything else (like pitching a baseball). Screw practicing before getting on the mound in front of thousands! At least 50 Cent is laughing about it.

6. Crispin Glover gifting us with performance art on Letterman.

Crispin Glover is a straight up weirdo. I don't think he forgot for a second that he was on television during this insane interview. The person who forgets he's being watched is Letterman, who seems genuinely terrified of Glover. Perhaps with good cause? He does almost get kicked in the face.

7. Courtney Love crashing an interview with Madonna:

If you weren't alive when MTV still covered music, enjoy this throwback to Courtney Love's heyday. Here she is crashing an interview with Madonna. Kurt Loder is psyched when his pretty boring talk with the Queen of Pop is interrupted by the volatile Love throwing compact cases at them. Courtney Love hasn't so much forgotten they're on air as much as she just does not give a f*ck, but once she has a mic in hand she tries to pull it together. Unsuccessfully, thank goodness.

8. Drake after getting kissed by Madonna.

Madonna sure has been at the center of a lot of TV moments. Guess that's what happens when you've been making music for more than thirty years. Drake has said he wanted to kiss her and though he might have expected a mouth-peck, he clearly wasn't ready for whatever happened to his face on stage at Coachella this year. Instead of hiding his disgust, he telegraphed it to the world. You know what? Madonna don't care.

9. Jenny Slate dropping the f-bomb on SNL.

This one would be sad if Jenny Slate hadn't gone on to star in TV shows and movies all over the damn place. This whole sketch was a ticking time bomb for someone to say the f-word and unfortunately, Slate fell on that grenade. Hey, sometimes our mistakes set us on a new and better path than we would have dared to tread on our own.

And who wants to be on TV when you can't say, "F*ck?"

Come, children of nature, and try not to immediately give up on your goals!

Ah, Spring. What does it mean? Love. T-shirts. Worrying about beach bodies. New resolutions! Quickly getting bored. Buying sneakers. This dreamlike sketch from the Upright Citizens Brigade group Pocketwatch is one of my favorite videos of the year. Much like the first warm day, it's exciting, refreshing, and makes me feel like the world of comedy is full of opportunity! Also, that feeling lasts for about 3 minutes. With a season, that's a let down, but fortunately on YouTube that means it's 100% magic.

1. 'Avengers: Age Of Ultron' Is Your Leader Now

Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultronpulled in an astonishing $27.6 million dollars on its first night in theaters, putting it on track to be the top earning movie in its opening weekend. Resistance in futile. You will see this movie. You will.

Will I still enjoy this Avengers movie even if I don't plan on seeing the next twelve?

— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) May 1, 2015

2. Chris Christie's Bridge Scandal Re-Emerges Just In Time To Remind Republicans Why They Love Him

The specter of scandal has descended upon N.J. Gov. Chris Christie after his ally David Wildstein pled guilty to his part in closing lanes of the George Washington Bridge in an apparent act of political revenge. Expect Christie's support among Republican voters to spike in the next day or so.

David Wildstein pled guilty in Bridgegate scandal. Chris Christie maintains his innocence saying he was praying to Baby Jesus at the time.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) May 1, 2015

3. Samantha Bee Leaves 'The Daily Show' Before 'The Daily Show' Has A Chance To Leave Her

Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee said goodbye last night to the television show she appeared on for the past twelve years. The comedian—who will soon be appearing as the host of her own news satire show over on TBS—was tearing up during her final appearance, as was every person who was watching it.

Tonight a retrospective of my 12(!) years @TheDailyShow. Prediction: my salty tears short circuit the NYC electrical grid: full blackout.

— Samantha Bee (@iamsambee) April 30, 2015

4. Tesla Develops Technology To Turn Your Home Into An Unlimited Source Of Superiority

Tesla Motors has just unveiled the Tesla Powerwall, a large rechargeable lithium ion battery capable of powering a home through solar power. It is selling for $3,000 and is capable of humbling up to twelve friends or co-workers daily.

I'm going to walk into a Tesla dealership and yell I'M BACK BITCHES! and see if they give me one.

— Sarah Meyer (@sarahjeanious) April 20, 2015

5. Woman Needs Stitches After Being Bit By Barbra Streisand (Or Possibly Her Dog)

A flight attendant on a plane ride from from New York City to Washington, DC required stitches after being bit on the hand by an agitated Barbra Streisand. (Or maybe it was her dog. Sorry, I should have paid better attention when reading this story.) “This never happened before and Barbra apologized profusely to the flight attendant,” a representative of legendary singer told Page Six.

Happy birthday to Barbara Streisand! And a big shout-out to the peasant villager's chosen as sacrifices to keep Bab's looking FABULOUS!

— William_Shartner (@Blarebare) April 24, 2014

ClickHole included a fake quote from Crowe in their daily "They Said What?!" feature, and Crowe proved that he has no idea what Internet humor is.

"What the shit is a ClickHole?" (via Getty Images/ClickHole)

Welcome to The Internet, Old Man Crowe! I think you're gonna like it here. There's just one thing about it that you should know — people don't always tell the truth! In fact, sometimes they purposely write fake things for humor purposes, and put them on sites full of fake things written for humor. It's wacky! Like, take this for example:

See? It's funny because it's obviously not true! (via ClickHole)

That's a fake quote from you, Russell Crowe, published on well-known Internet satire site ClickHole, which was created by the even-more-well-known news satire site, The Onion. Oh, what's that? You already saw it and thought somebody was actually misquoting you?

Yeaaaah, that's not the right response. (via Jezebel/Twitter)

Oh, and you also hastily deleted that Tweet to try to hide the fact that you can't tell when someone is telling a joke? Hey, don't worry man — it happens to the best of us. Or at least to members of the media in China.

Two people in Lauderhill, FL were arrested on a tip from a confessed burglar.

Eric Jermaine Spivey, one of the identity thieves. Not the burglar.(via Broward Sheriff's Office)

It's true what they say: there's no honor among thieves. And certainly not among different types of thieves. There's probably a bitter rivalry between identity thieves and burglars. It's like iOS vs. Android but for crime.

That's why when police arrested a man in Ft. Lauderdale-area man for breaking and entering, he was more than happy to dish out the dirt on some other crooks he had come across. Specifically, he came across them while burglarizing their Lauderhill hideout, where he had a feeling fraudulent credit cards were being made.

A detective and a Secret Service agent went to the house two days later to investigate, under the pretense of investigating the burglary. The crime had actually been reported to the police by one of the residents, 38-year-old Chenequa Austin. Austin met them at the door and led them through the house to show them the path the burglar had taken. Agent Jason Lanfersiek wrote in court records:

"Chenequa Austin brought me through the residence to identify the path of the burglar. While inside the home, I immediately noticed, in plain view, numerous gift cards, debit cards, credit cards, and prepaid stored value cards readily apparent in various locations in the residence."

He also saw a credit card embossing machine inside an open closet. After acquiring a search warrant later on, authorities would count 314 fraudulent cards, in addition to "designer men's and women's clothing, jewelry, flat screen TVs, multiple Sony PlayStation 4s, and Apple iPads." Agents wrote, "Many of these items were in brand-new condition and still in original packaging." They also discovered more than half an ounce of ecstasy.

Austin was arrested and made a full confession. She was sharing the home with 27-year-old Eric Jermaine Spivey, who she said had moved in three months earlier and introduced her to identity theft. Authorities also discovered a stolen Glock 19 handgun in the home, which was linked to a pending attempted second-degree murder case that was brought against Spivey in 2013.

When Spivey was arrested, he in turn blamed Austin for the identity theft and fraud. His cell phone contained hundreds of credit card numbers, text messages describing the crimes, and photos of himself posing with high-end merchandise and weapons. I think it's safe to say neither of them was the mastermind.

Austin is currently free on $3500 bond, but Spivey was deemed a flight risk and a danger to the community. They both pleaded not guilty to to five federal charges of aggravated identity theft, fraud and conspiracy.

The real winner in this story is the burglar. He may have been arrested, but he's definitely going to get a break after dumping such an easy case in the police's lap. This is like going fishing and having a 20-pound bass jump in your boat. Also, the bass is full of credit cards.

There's a reason why "dancing like a rock" is not an idiom.

A few of the main themes in our movie #CentralIntelligence is anti-bullying and always being yourself. One of the reasons this character is so much fun to play. #DanceRehearsals #HelloMyNameIsBob #IveBeenKnownToBeatUpBullies #AndMoveMyBodyInExplicitWays #CentralIntelligence SUMMER 2016
A video posted by therock (@therock) on May 1, 2015 at 6:39am PDT

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and I don't seem to have many skills or attributes in common. He's well-built, good-looking, charming, successful, wealthy, not debilitatingly afraid of birds, fun to be around, and tall. I, on the other hand, know all the words to every Ween song by heart.

Interestingly enough, our abilities on the dance floor seem to be roughly comparable.