After a dispute, an Australian wedding photographer called his client "the ugliest bride I have ever photographed."

If she wasn't a bridezilla before, she will be now.(Facebook via Jezebel)

This story started off weird. But in the time we've been watching it, it's totally gone off the rails. Lee Maxwell Judd is a wedding photographer based in New South Wales, Australia. In February, he was hired by Ashlea and Daniel Howard. Months later, Ashlea complained to him about how he was delivering the photos, which is when he posted this picture from their wedding on his professional Facebook page, along with the caption:

“Ugliest bride I have ever photographed. Winged (sic) the whole time. Bridezilla #1."

"Winged" is presumably supposed to say "whinged," which is Commonwealth slang for complaining. I'll use it in a sentence to explain: "If you call a bride who hired you 'ugly' on Facebook, thousands of strangers will furiously whinge at you." Lee Maxwell Judd had no idea what he was in for.

Ashlea Howard told The Independent that she was "mortified" when she saw the post, and at first, it seems like Judd regretted his words. He posted this message: "Apologies to all concerned. My FB page was compromised by a computer hack yesterday evening." But when people started commenting on his page to criticize him, he went on the defensive. He fired back in torrents of angry comments, calling out his "haters" and telling one to "get back in your trailer." He added that all the people vilifying him lead "boring, hopeless and meaningless lives."

Then Ashlea Howard stepped in again. Feeling remorse over the social media backlash against Judd, she sent him a private message, which he posted to his page.

Somehow, the way he accepted that apology made it worse. Judd continued to receive angry comments on that post. As of press time, his most recent response was this:

You poor miserable unhappy people. So sad for you all. It must be so tormenting going through life with such jealously and hatred towards others. I hope you all realise that a grudge only torments the grudger and has no effect at all on the grudgee. I will pray for you all to be healed of your pain suffering (sic).

It definitely seems like Lee Maxwell Judd has done the least classy thing he could at every turn in this story, but let's also honor Ashlea Howard's wishes and not pile on top of him. Remember that she's the victim here. And also, for all his personality problems, Judd isn't wrong about holding a grudge. It'll tear you up inside until you're calling people ugly for no reason. And then you'll be the dick.

Sarah Carter wrote "The Tinder Song" with nothing but messages men sent to her.

I thought nothing could shock me. Then I listened to Sarah Carter's song. I've heard plenty of Tinder horror stories from women, but none of them included the line "Have you ever accidentally got shit on the back of your neck?" This is a kind of flirting I'm not familiar with.

I do want to point out that although this is a very common experience on Tinder, it's not universal. I myself am in a wonderful long-term relationship with someone I met on Tinder. I never used one of these lines, and I certainly never sent a dick pic. Not only because they're creepy and inappropriate, but also because my phone's camera doesn't have a panorama mode.

"Score another victory for millennials" is the way this video about opening a Whole Foods for millennials starts, and I hate everything.

Every time older people define a younger generation, they do it with a barfy mix of condescension, dislike, and "How can we sell more things to these people we both condescend to and dislike?" And thus, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Whole Foods' new concept: a grocery store for millennials.

How the fuck did this even get to the point of being a real thing? I feel like somebody played a joke on the Whole Foods executive team where they were like: "Hey, guys (snicker, snicker). I was talking to some real-life millennials, and they were all like 'Man, we love good, ethical food, but our parents' grocery stores are so lame and expensive that we'd rather just get our nutrients by vaping! I wish there was a grocery store for me, where they had selfie stations with really cool carrots.'" And then the Whole Foods executive team went into a fugue state and here we fucking are.

Whole Foods co-CEO John Mackey announced the move earlier this week, and everything he said to describe it just makes it sound like a cheaper Whole Foods with dumb fucking buzzwords thrown in. Like, look at this bullshit:

Great, because I'm sick of those grocery stores that have no curation and give you literally every product from literally every producer. (via Time)

So the stores will use "innovative technology." For fucking what? What does that even mean? You could use "innovative technology" to make small drones that inject people with herpes when they first enter a store. I have heard that the millennials love intensely personal experiences, and what's more personal than giving someone an STD?

But here's the thing that bothers me more than the dumb buzzwords and sense of disconnection from the customer base they're trying to target: When it comes down to it, it just sounds like they're making a cheaper, more streamlined Whole Foods that will feature ethically produced foods at lower prices. You know who will love that? Millennials and EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON WHO EATS FOOD. I mean, unless you're one of those weird jerks who wants to have the price tag out on your rare-ass smoked salmon spread as a way to brag about how poorly you spend your wealth, how does spending less for good food not sound like a great idea? (BTW, I'm not against people enjoying some rare-ass smoked salmon, but I am against people wasting money by paying more than they need to for it.)

So, basically, whenever this thing opens, you'll be able to find me there. I'll be the one with a heart full of anger near the carrot selfie station.

No adorably uncoordinated dogs were harmed in the making of this video.

When watching this video of a fluffy little Pomeranian named Pearl tanking hard on the slab steps outside her home, you might feel a strong compulsion to laugh. This will probably be quickly followed with another, less pleasant feeling—a combination of shame, concern and anger as you begin to process the fact that you just laughed at the tribulations of another living creature, and a cute one at that.

Suppress that second feeling. That feeling is wrong. Dogs fall down. That's one of the things that dogs do, and all of the dogs I've known have done it quite well. My current dogs are great at it. Once upon a time, dogs herded our pack animals. They guarded our property and protected our valuables. They don't do that stuff so much anymore, but we still feed, care for, and love them. So, it's only right that once in a while they should fall down so that we can we can laugh at them and find some respite from our lives of hard, soul-crushing work. It's the same deal we've struck with toddlers.

Plus, the person who posted this video made a point to let us know that Pearl was totally fine after this. So, consider yourself absolved.

No words in the video, so read the bullet-point facty-facts below! Hurry!

The United Kingdom had a General Election today!

1. Nobody was expected to win!
2. But the Tories (Conservatives) did!
3. David Cameron will be Prime Minister again!
   
4. Citizens don't vote for Prime Minister! They vote for members of Parliament, and whichever party or coalition gets a majority picks the Prime Minister!
5. Everyone was afraid there would be a weak coalition government like last time, when the Tories partnered with the Liberal Democrats*!
6. That partnership went so well for the Liberal Democrats, they went from 57 seats to just 8, and their leader Nick Clegg had to resign!
7. Yet somehow the Tories won an outright majority of seats (despite getting only 36% of the popular vote, because of how the UK constituency system works)!
8. This election also saw a dramatic rise in seats and votes for the separatist Scottish Nationalist Party (SNP) and the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP), which is probably not a great sign for the long-term future of a unified, outward-looking Britain!
9. Everyone still hates Labour for when Tony Blair followed Bush into Iraq and when Gordon Brown followed Bush into the financial collapse!
10. This is why the Tories did so well even though they're pretty disliked as well (hence the rise of left- and right-wing parties), but for old-fashioned reasons like privatization, crushing unions, and favoring the rich!

Congrats! You're a worldly and well-educated citizen of the world, now! Romantic partners will now throw themselves upon your genitals in awe of your savvy political knowledge!

*Liberal Democrats, you ask? I thought they just had Tories and Labor! Well, imagine if instead of just Republicans and Democrats, there was a party that tried to be a middle ground between the two and succeeded (in that the middle ground between these two parties is a tiny, pointless area filled with overlap on both sides because Labour and Conservatives are less different than they were in the 80s anyway). Then, imagine they became useful again for a brief, shining moment in 2010 when the Tories (kinda like Republicans) needed them to form a government (because no one had a majority), so they worked with their rivals in the interest of saving the economy, ended up alienating their base (even though Britain weathered the recession better than Europe), handed the next election to the their "partners" and basically disappeared from the map. That's them.

"Tommy, you cheating f**k." - Jon Stewart

Oh, man! I am gonna miss this kind of pharmaceutical-grade righteous indignation when Jon Stewart leaves us to go work on a farm (or something) in a few weeks. Television will be a considerably colder place once Stewart isn't around to spin otherwise depressing news stories into brilliant pieces of comedy with nothing but his voice, his anger and a roomful of the most talented writers in the business.

This creepy-fuck glass-disc recording from 1885 is believed to have the first motherfucking recording of the word... well, you know.

When you watch the video above, ignore the part where the transcript says "oh, no." According to Patrick Feaster at First Sounds, that's probably a fuckin' fuck:

The officially endorsed transcription gives the utterance as “oh no,” but most listeners instead report hearing the expletive transcribed below. The whole text should be regarded as tentative; the opening words are especially difficult to decipher.

And here's that transcript:

"This record has been inscribed by Mister Sumner Tainter and H. G. Rogers. It's the eleventh day of March, eighteen hundred and eighty five. [Trilled R] How is this for high! Mary had a little lamb, and its fleece was [...] as [...], and everywhere that Mary went — oh, fuck.

I only hope that there are similar early recordings of more creative swear combinations, like "eat my clit, dickbag" or "shitty vag puncher" (which is someone who is bad at punching vaginas, and not the other thing it could be).

This raised way too many fundamental questions about life in 6 minutes, but I still loved it.

"They're Made Out of Meat" was directed by Stephen O'Regan at the New York Film Academy in 2005 and won the Grand Prize at the Seattle Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame Film Festival in 2006. (There's a more-official New York Film Festival version on YouTube...but the video is lower-quality.) You might recognize the cast, in particular Ben Bailey (Cash Cab), Tom Noonan (Manhunter) and Gbenga Akinnagbe (The Wire, lots of other stuff), for whom this was actually his debut role according to my cursory IMdB search.

It's also tightly based on the Nebula-award-nominated short story by science fiction writer Terry Bisson, published in the sadly now-defunct sci-fi magazine OMNI. The story, written entirely in dialogue, is often performed as a play. It's available on his website, and with the Creative Commons permission listed on the page, here it is in its entirety.

From TerryBisson.com:

I'm honored that this often shows up on the internet. Here's the correct version, as published in Omni, 1990.

THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT


"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."




(Thanks for your interest in my work. If you enjoyed this little piece, please give a dollar to a homeless person.) - [Terry Bisson]

Well, if you're reading this all the way down here, you obviously enjoyed it. Hello, one person who sees this. Have a great weekend, you wonderful hunk of meat.

Because nothing says, "I love you, mom" like hooking her up to a lie detector and asking her on camera if she's ever had a threesome.

You know your parents probably lied to you when you asked them if they did drugs. I certainly wish I could get the full story out of my folks about their younger years. One way to get this information is to build a relationship of trust and openness with your parents that leads them to willingly share these details with you as an adult. Or here's another solution from Distractify: hookin' your ma up to a lie detector and asking her about her dirty, drug filled youth.

If your mother's favorite brunch spot is all booked up on Sunday, I consider this a viable replacement option.

Seriously, someone put this in a Nicholas Sparks film for cats.

You could call the film The Catbook. You could also call it The Notebook for Cats, but that brings up some logic issues for your audience. Do you explain to cats what a notebook is? If you do, do you have to also explain to them the concept of written language? Do you offer to help the cats create a written equivalent for their meows and purrs? The whole effort seems like it would take a lot of time, and you should instead just use that time to watch this video of cat brothers/make-out partners Seamus and Angus over and over.

1.

Sometimes things are in the first place you look.(via r/Tinder)

The arms race between pick-up lines and comebacks has reached a fever pitch on Tinder. Here are even more of the most clever, snappy, and hilarious comebacks from Tinder users who deserve to find true love.

2.

I love a woman with a solid five-year plan.(via BroBible)

3.

She was a bot and wasn't programmed to appreciate the humor.(via r/Tinder)

4.

Jesus wept.(via r/Tinder)

5.

The only Tough Mudder no one will brag about on Facebook.(via r/Tinder)

6.

Sometimes dumb pick-up lines work on clever girls.(via r/Tinder)

7.

The guy knows his failed pickups.(via r/Tinder)

8.

Not everyone likes a well-versed man.(via r/Tinder)

9.

WILSOOOOOOOON!(via r/Tinder)

10.

The price dropped and demand plummeted.(via r/Tinder)

11.

So I guess he can last a while?(via r/Tinder)

From original list, 4/24/15:

12.

The most bitter vegetable.(viar/Tinder)

13.

Think about baseball while you're messaging and it'll last longer.(viar/Tinder)

14.

He's probably used to getting stomped.(via imgur)

15.

I guess it depends on which organ. (via imgur)

16.

They're developing nicely. (via r/Tinder)

17.

I'm surprised he managed to spell that.(via r/Tinder)

18.

I hope he found a nice boy.(via imgur)

19.

Oh, he did.(via Tinder Winners)

20.

He's got his own built-in '90s sitcom studio audience. (via r/Tinder)

21.

At least he's honest.(via r/Tinder)

22.

So cold.(via r/Tinder)

23.

That's 80% of life.(via r/Tinder)

24.

It better not be dressed as a clown.(via imgur)

25.

r/ejected.(via r/Tinder)

26.

Guess a magnifying glass wouldn't do the trick.(via r/Tinder)

27.

Who knew the appendix could be a sex organ? (via r/Tinder)

28.

Poetic and prophetic. (via Imgur)

29.

She's the butt of her own joke. (via r/Tinder)

30.

She might be more pleasant if she got more fiber. (via r/Tinder)

31.

The man knows his guitars. (via Imgur)

32.

And on the third day, she responded "no thanks." (via Imgur)

33.

Not bad for a scruffy-looking nerf-herder. (via r/Tinder)

34.

Guess they won't be forking any time soon. (via BuzzFeed)

35.

Unless this is Kim Jong-Un, you're out of luck. (via BuzzFeed)

36.

Don't Tinder and drive.

37.

I hope she makes love to him as tenderly as she writes. (via Imgur)

38.

Now to find out why Dad left. (via BuzzFeed)

39.

That's silly, newborns aren't even allowed on Tinder. (via BuzzFeed)

40.

Dead grandparents are a great aphrodisiac. (via r/Tinder)

41.

"If it's cold out." (via BuzzFeed)

42.

Don't date her, she's an upsexy enabler! (via r/Tinder)

43.

The one thing they don't have in common. (via BuzzFeed)

44.

Only seven? (via BuzzFeed)

We didn't have an image for this story, but we do have a whole list of baby name books we wish existed.

The Social Security Administration has reported the most popular baby names for 2014, here are the top ten:

1. Noah / Emma
2. Liam / Olivia
3. Mason / Sophia
4. Jacob / Isabella
5. William / Ava
6. Ethan / Mia
7. Michael / Emily
8. Alexander / Abigail
9. James / Madison
10. Daniel / Charlotte

Personally, I'm glad to see "Jacob" drop another spot (down from #3 last year following a 13-year reign in the #1 position). Fewer "Jacobs" mean fewer "Jakes," and I hate when people have my name. It's also great to see "Jayden" out of the top ten. Not that it's too close to mine or anything, it's just a ridiculous name. (Although I imagine by the time a President Jayden is in office, kids will all have emoji names.)

When Chris Brown found an intruder in his home, he took a photo of her and posted it on Instagram.

I make music, remember? (via Getty)

At this point, Chris Brown might be more famous for his temper-fueled court appearances than for that other thing he does. He literally just got summoned to appear in Las Vegas for an alleged fight at the Palms. However, his reaction to a home invader was surprisingly non-violent, albeit strange. When Brown came home and found a woman in his house, he took her picture (below) and posted the following text on Instagram on May 7th, which he has since deleted:

"I get home and find this crazy individual in my house. She had broken the hinges off the doors. She Found time to cook her several meAls. She Wrote 'I love you' on the walls. She threw out my daughters clothing as well as my dogs stuff. Then had all these crazy voodoo things around my crib. goes to show you how crazy people are crazy! And she painted her name on my cars!!!! I love my fans but this is some on some real real crazy shit! I pray she will get help."

Portrait of a home invader. (via Instagram)

If everything in Chris Brown's Instagram post is true, then yes, this is quite unsettling. The alleged stalker is Amira Ayeb, and she has plead not guilty to the charges.

I don't know what's bothering me about this, maybe it's because the photo of the towel-clad woman looks eerily staged. I also just can't imagine the logic of a woman breaking into the home of a man with a history of violence. Seems like both parties involved are a little unstable.

Mother's Day doesn't have to be stressful or expensive. Your mom just wants to know how much you appreciate her, and you can demonstrate that with the simplest of gifts:

1. Write Her a Letter Admitting All The Times You Were Wrong and She Was Right.

This could be a list of things that happened back in childhood, or ya know, last week.

2. Go See The Doctor And Get That Thing Checked Out.

She just wants to know what they say. Please just go, for her.

3. Throw Her a Virtual Party via FaceTime.

This is great because FaceTime is NBD, but baby boomers are still very excited about using it. FaceTime is always a treat, but if you're wearing a party hat it will feel super festive.

4. Make a Photo Collage of Her (and Post That Shiz On Social Media).

Photo collages are super easy to make (and not to mention totes adorbs.) Chances are your mom might not know about those pic-making apps you have on your phone, so your skills are appreciated. Some PDA via Facebook is sure to make anyone feel special.

5. Make a List of Her Best Attributes You Take After.

You may have never before reflected on how you are like your mom, but when you do, you may have a newfound appreciation for her and for who you've become. This one is a gift for her - and for you, too.

6. Be of Service.

Your mom has done a lot to help you (like that time she helped you pay for school / those times she changed your diaper / that time she gave birth to you, etc, etc.) Repay her for those gifts by offering your service: make her food, clean her closet, or organize her work space.

These gifts are so simple and fun, you can easily accomplish them all and also have time to add other ideas. If you live near your mom, spend the day with her. If you are further away, just use the internet and all your little gadgets to make your presence known.

How do you say "Nope!" in United Arab Emirati?

As best I can tell, Oleg "Cricket" Sherstyachenko is a professional crazy person. His YouTube channel and Instagram page are filled with videos and images of him doing things in the high-up stories of the world's tallest skyscrapers that would make me slip into a fear coma. Case in point, this video of him leaping from ledge to ledge on the 43rd floor of a building in Dubai as though he weren't one misstep away from becoming a puddle of goo on the ground below.

So, Oleg, I have to ask: is behaving like a suicidal maniac a lucrative profession? What's the health care like?

This probably wasn't what she intend to do with her mouth.

Hey, I get it. I know just where Fox 2 Morning Detroit's Amy Andrews wants a "dry hump day." I know where she's coming from.

She's probably nervous about getting wet. Particularly getting wet in public. Getting wet might be fun at home by yourself—or in the presence of someone with whom you're very intimate—but nobody likes to get wet in front of of a bunch of strangers. Okay, some people do, but those people are weird. Really, though, getting wet just makes things hard.

So, it makes perfect sense that she's hoping for a non-rainy Wednesday. I don't see what all the fuss is about.