Have you begged for your mom's forgiveness yet today?

Fun Fact: Reese Witherspoon contains approximately 11% of the nation's reserves of cuteness and a more 7% of its raw, untapped effervescence. So, it goes without saying that when she hosted Saturday Night Live last night, she would provide the cutest opening monologue bit of the show's four-decade run.

She, and each current cast member, brought their mothers out on stage to say sorry for the bad, weird and upsetting things they did over the years. Witherspoon's, surprisingly, was not, "Sorry for getting essence of rainbow all over the new curtains."

You know, now that I think of it, I've had about as many intense, tearful arguments with Siri as I've had with my Mom. On the other hand, my mom has never insisted that my wife's name is Gary.

If you think that the woman playing the Mother Siri in this video sounds an awful lot like the real thing, it's because it is. The Daily Dot got Susan Bennett—the vocal model for Siri's voice—to appear in their Mother's Day sketch.

In case you're interested, here's techno-surrogate mom explaining the weird path of her career to CNN:

A male gas station attendant wouldn't sell a woman tampons because they're "gross."

Tampons causing trouble. (via Thinkstock)

Every woman remembers the initial embarrassment of buying feminine hygiene products as a young woman, a feeling which quickly dissipates upon realizing the cashier scanning your items doesn't give a f**k what you're buying at CVS and is simply counting down the minutes to his next smoke break.

However, there is a man working in an Iowa gas station who is acutely aware of what ladies are buying, and he refused to sell singer/songwriter Mary Epworth her "gross" tampons. Instead, he got a female co-worker to complete the disgusting transaction. Epworth documented the ordeal on Twitter like the modern, bleeding woman she is:

Someone just refused to sell me feminine hygiene products in a gas station.
— Mary Epworth (@maryepworth) May 3, 2015

He made the female member of staff serve me. I told him "50% of the population bleed". He said " I just think its gross"...
— Mary Epworth (@maryepworth) May 3, 2015

In an interview with The Daily Dot, Epworth said, "I sort of argued with him a bit, and told him this happens to everyone. He said, 'I don't care. I wouldn't even have them in my bathroom.'"

I told him he would have a pretty gory floor.
— Mary Epworth (@maryepworth) May 3, 2015

It gets better. Epworth is on tour with members of the podcast Welcome To Night Vale, and when she told co-writer Jeffrey Cranor about the tampon situation he decided to get involved.

the cashier said he thinks fem pads are gross. i asked him how he does selling toilet paper, condoms, & kleenex. he said that's not the same
— jeffrey cranor (@happierman) May 3, 2015

he's a grown-ass man & he deliberately made someone feel bad bc of their gender. don't come at me this morning with this shit @kvonhard
— jeffrey cranor (@happierman) May 4, 2015

What a supportive fellow podcaster! It's nice to know that the man who won't sell feminine products is the outlier. I'm concerned about this guy who is so afraid of periods though, so I've come up with some possible explanations:

1. He's afraid he's going to "catch" a period.
2. He suffers from Sidonglobophobia (fear of cotton balls).
3. He never had a mom, aunt, sister, girlfriend, friend who was a girl, or a male friend with a mother, sister, girlfriend, etc.
4. He is a living example of a Big-style body-swap situation.

My only question to this guy is the following: what if a man wants to buy condoms and tissues but he tells you they're for his girlfriend who is having her period? Mind implosion.

Happy Mother's Day!

It's Mother's Day, and people are apologizing to their moms via #sorrymom on Twitter.

Didn't know I could do this bad in school #sorrymom
— allegra lynch (@legscommalynch) May 4, 2015

We are all a bunch of monsters and our mothers still love us. Keep apologizing for the horrible things you put your mother through, because you know you're just going to keep acting like an idiot. And she will always forgive you. Please remember to say you're sorry in real life, too, not just online.

Here are the best #sorrymom tweets I had time to find before calling my mom today:

Accidentally came home to relax the day before Mother's Day and now I have to pretend this was the plan all along #SorryMom
— Katla McGlynn (@katlamcglynn) May 10, 2015

#SorryMom that I got you a cell phone and made the number 867-5309.
— Tony Posnanski (@tonyposnanski) May 10, 2015

#SorryMom I had to block you.
— Marcoe Polo (@Marcoe_Polo21) May 10, 2015

#SorryMom for asking if I could borrow a sweater for Ugly Sweater Day back in high school
— Camizzzle (@camizzzletweets) May 10, 2015

#SorryMom that I missed Mother's Day but I was tweeting mom stuff all weekend, if you followed me you'd have known that.
— Jeff Dwoskin (@bigmacher) May 10, 2015

#SorryMom that I have no children, just a bunch of cats.
— liz (@Ewizubef) May 10, 2015

#SorryMom for all the dead insects you found in my pockets as a child... It should have given you a hint of my future career in forensics
— Judy Melinek M.D. (@drjudymelinek) May 10, 2015

#SorryMom looks like that political science degree didn't work out. I'll be in the basement.
— Huntley (@NotAHuntley) May 10, 2015

#SorryMom but it was me that deleted your Facebook account.. The things you were posting were just disgracing our last name
— Jacko Brazier (@JBraizMusic) May 10, 2015

I'm sorry that I sometimes screenshot your texts and post them on social media. #SorryMom
— AA (@allisona15) May 10, 2015

for when you had to rush me to the hospital because I stuck a bead up my nose, and Barbie earrings in my ear canal, #sorrymom.
— Lindsey Hartzel (@lindseyrhart) May 10, 2015

No. I didn't break the lamp while doing hip hop abs in the living room. I threw a party and a guy on shrooms knocked it over. #SorryMom
— Not Maya Donnelly (@nicklebackluvr) May 10, 2015

For all The stiff socks you had to clean from under my bed. Thanks for never talking about it #SorryMom
— Tom Howell (@trashtakeout) May 10, 2015

For all the times your rum tasted watered down, it was #SorryMom
— Michael Cochran (@Mjcochra) May 10, 2015

CALL YOUR MOMS, GUYS.

1.

How can he be wrong with style like that?(via imgur)

2.

Maybe one of the cats is named Tina.(via reddit)

3.

Guess he never called his bluff.(via reddit)

4.

But things seemed to be going so well.(via reddit)

5.

At least these four are hitting it off.(via imgur)

6.

He's got his one phone call figured out.(via reddit)

7.

A good reminder that things can always get worse.(via imgur)

8.

He looks genuinely concerned.(via reddit)

9.

Sometimes it's hard to look yourself in the eye.(via reddit)

10.

Of course a guy named JD would wear a necklace like that.(via reddit)

11.

Still, it was probably a great party.(via reddit)

12.

Kassidy probably needed to focus on her academics anyway.(via imgur)

13.

This is how great romances start. (via reddit)

14.

Holy wrong number, Batman!(via reddit)

15.

Alex is probably jealous of this.(via imgur)

The founder of a private high school has apologized after she got super racist when people started leaving before the school's graduation ceremony was over.

Nancy Gordeuk is the founder of TNT Academy, a private high school in Georgia, and apparently her racism was a bomb just waiting to go off.

At Friday's graduation ceremony, Gordeuk accidentally dismissed everyone early, before the valedictorian gave his speech. She then attempted to get everyone to stay, calling out people for being "so rude" for leaving and not listening to the speech.

"Look who's leaving," she went on, oblivious to her viral potential, "all the black people."

Of course, after that, a bunch of black graduates did get up and leave, because come on. Man, there's no greater thrill than an authority figure showing herself to be as inept and out of control as you've always said she was, right? Especially when your parents are there to see for themselves.

Later, Gordeuk apologized for her statement, explaining to NBC News, "When I looked up all I saw was black families leaving, and thus the comment." Right. We got that.

When it became clear that apology was not sufficient and probably just made everything worse, Gordeuk sent an email to students and parents with another apology and explained "the devil was in the house and came out from my mouth."

/unfurls #NancyGordeuk apology. Tosses it in the trash. pic.twitter.com/hB2sbQQ0zJ
— AFGlamLife (@AFGlamLife) May 9, 2015

When you've been married a long time, you have to try new things like tampering with your lady's parachute while skydiving.

There must be an easier, legal way to get out of a marriage. (image via Thinkstock)

Experienced skydiver Victoria Cilliers planned to spend Easter Sunday like any other person: jumping out of a plane for fun. Little did she know that her husband had tampered with her parachute in what police are saying was an attempt to kill her.

British Army sergeant and extremely stupid husband, Emile Cilliers, checked out an Army parachute for his wife, then in an attempt to throw her a little curveball (I'm guessing so they finally had something to talk about at Easter dinner after years of painful silence) he removed pieces called "slinks" so that the primary and backup chutes would fail to deploy properly.

It is very rare for both chutes to fail, and even more rare for someone to survive a fall of this kind, but Victoria survived. I'm guessing they're going to have a long talk about what happened. Or never speak again since the guy is definitely going to jail for a long time.

Here's a tip: if you're unhappy in your marriage, you can always try new things in bed, see a therapist, or just file for divorce. You don't need to make the scariest hobby even scarier by trying to murder your spouse.

Watch 'Saturday Night Live' take a stab at drawing the Prophet Muhammad.

This sketch starts out as a simple Pictionary-esque game show, complete with celebrity guests Rosie Perez and Reginald VelJohnson (Carl Winslow). The first team easily wins points for drawing Gone Girl, but the second team is burdened with the impossible duty of drawing the Prophet Muhammad. Bobby Moynihan's face pretty much sums it up:

Yeah, not gonna draw that. (via Hulu)

After failing to put pen to paper out of sheer horror, Moynihan's fellow teammate Reginald VelJohnson takes a stab at it, and has a similar reaction upon reading the clue.

To reiterate: Not. Gonna. Draw. It. (via Hulu)

Not only does Kenan Thompson do an absolutely spot-on Reginald VelJohnson, he appropriately portrays the aversion to the task at hand. This is a really difficult topic to make funny, yet 'SNL' managed to do it perfectly. A message to the writers and the characters in this sketch: well played.

I'd also like to give a shout out to the Canadian show 'This Hour Has 22 Minutes' who aired an eerily similar sketch back in January.

If you hurry, you might be the one to birth those ginger royals.

Prince Harry, the undisputed most-handsome Prince of Wales, says he's ready to have kids but understands there's a "whole process" to make that happen. Yeah. I hope someone's explained that process at some point in his life. I'm not sure what sex ed is like for royalty. I'm guessing they tell the princes that someone will be picked for them, and all will be explained in due course.

After a long, boring interview with Sky News about his devotion to the Army and why he's in New Zealand in the first place (get to the point, am I right?), Prince Harry took a moment to talk about having a life like his brother's. In the middle of trying to dodge the question of settling down, he claimed he'd "love to have kids right now" if it were possible.

It is. All you have to do is say "I'm ready to have kids" to a woman in the Western Hemisphere, and I think it's a done deal. You don't even have to get married, Harry. Just show up and say "I'm ready to put a royal baby in someone."

I'm sorry this article doesn't end with Prince Harry's email address or his Snapchat account so you can volunteer to carry the next royal child. You'll have to figure it out for yourself.

Here's hoping this leads to a real version of Fox's mega-hit reality show "I Wanna Marry Harry" (cancelled after four episodes).

Morgan Freeman uses his comforting voice to tell the world that pot is awesome.

Morgan Freeman, seen here probably high out of his mind, says marijuana should be legal.
(image via Getty)

Morgan Freeman, the actor who played Vitruvius in that movie filmed with toys you love to watch while blazed, just told The Daily Beast that marijuana needs to be legalized.

The actor mentioned many of the health benefits for sick people, and even how he used the drug to help his fibromyalgia pain from a car crash years ago. But make no mistake about it: he also thinks it should be legal for the same reasons you do.

Freeman says his first wife turned him on to the drug, and claimed: "I'll eat it, drink it, smoke it, snort it!" I've never snorted pot, but now that I know Morgan Freeman does, I'm going to try it.

Morgan Freeman doesn't just sound wise when he does voiceover work. He's also thought long and hard about the subject and how stupid it is to not legalize the drug when comparing it to other legal substances. "Now, the thrust is understanding that alcohol has no real medicinal use. Maybe if you have one drink it'll quiet you down, but two or three and you're fucked."

He also took the time, in classic old guy fashion, to compare two generations of pot smokers at a concert and how legal pot would have helped the youth not get beaten up: "Look at Woodstock 1969. They said, 'We're not going to bother them or say anything about smoking marijuana,' and not one problem or fight. Then look at what happened in '99" (people rioted and were arrested because they couldn't legally get high enough to relax and listen to Moby).

Let's all burn one right now in Morgan Freeman's honor and watch this clip from The Electric Company where he takes a bath in a casket:

A flight to Portland was diverted to Salt Lake City because the pilot felt the 15-year-old was being "disruptive."

This video, taken by a passenger onboard a United Airlines flight from Florida to Portland, shows 15-year-old Juliette Beegle, who is autistic, and her parents being forcibly removed from the plane. Now, Juliette's mother Donna is striking back, issuing formal complaints and suing the airline, just to bring awareness to discrimination against autistic people.

The Beegles were returning from a vacation at Walt Disney World when they encountered a problem with the airline food (as so many of us have). Juliette had refused her meal at the airport, and the plane had no hot food options for Economy passengers. Juliette doesn't eat cold food and wouldn't touch any of the snacks her parents had brought, so Donna spent 40 minutes trying in vain to get the flight attendants to bring her a hot meal from First Class. She offered to pay for it, but over and over she was told that it wasn't allowed. Juliette started to cry, and Donna pointed out that if she didn't eat, she might have a meltdown and start scratching (a common behavior of autistic individuals when frustrated). Only then did a flight attendant begrudgingly bring her a hot meal.

After that, Juliette calmed down and the flight continued smoothly. That is, until one of the flight attendants made an announcement: "We will be making an unexpected landing in Salt Lake due to a passenger in the back having issues." Donna didn't understand what was happening, until the plane landed and paramedics came on board. They asked if Juliette was OK, and if she had scratched anyone. Donna said that she was fine, and that she hadn't (even if she had, she was in a window seat next to her father, separated from any other passengers.) The paramedics left, convinced that their time had been wasted. Then, police officers boarded the plane and told the Beegles that they all had to leave.

Juliette Beegle.(via Facebook)

Donna was shocked. Juliette was calm, she explained, and hadn't hurt anyone. An officer told her, "The captain is not comfortable flying to Portland with your daughter on the plane. You have to leave the plane." Outraged, Donna raised her voice. She appealed to the other passengers, asking them if they had a problem flying with Juliette, and a chorus of them stood up for Juliette, pointing out that they just wanted to get back to Portland, and didn't mind if a disabled child came too. The police, however, were unmoved.

The pilot finally emerged from the cockpit for the first time, and confronted the Beegles. He told them, "Let's not make this situation worse." Maybe he should have taken his own advice before landing in the wrong city. The Beegles finally left the plane, making statements to the police, and were rebooked on a Delta flight leaving later that night. But Donna wasn't done. She posted a lengthy account of the incident on Facebook.

If you're keeping track, here are things that airlines consider acceptable disruptions on a plane: crying babies, noxious farting, and men refusing to sit next to women for religious reasons. I guess the only way they'll ground a plane is if a special needs child wants a First Class meal. First Class?! That's for rich people!

Now, Donna Beegle has issued formal complaints with both United Airlines and the FAA. She's also filing a discrimination lawsuit. She points out that Juliette has flown to five countries and 24 states, and has never encountered a problem until now. Even if Donna wins her lawsuit, she doesn't want any money. She wants any money won in the suit to go to training for the flight crew, so they'll be better prepared for autistic passengers in the future.

Accommodating people with autism may seem inconvenient to people who lack personal experience with the disorder. The needs of autistic people, particularly children, vary and can be demanding. However, in today's world, there is no excuse for any large corporation in the service industry not to accommodate them. In the US, 1 in 68 children is born with autism, and that number is growing. If we don't adjust to help them, by the next generation we will have made second-class citizens out of millions of the most vulnerable Americans. Avoiding that is worth an awkward flight or two.

If you disagree, read this subsequent post Donna wrote in response to some of the online critics. She knows what she's talking about.

1. Prince Releases Infectiously Danceable Song About Systemic Racism And Murder

The song of the summer is here, and it's drawing from that bottomless pool of pop music inspiration: the systemic harassment and murder of (mostly) young (mostly) black (mostly) males within an unfair and often racist system of power and authority. Prince premiered his funky new chart-topper "Baltimore"—dedicated to the memory of Freddie Gray, a young, black Baltimorean who recently died in police custody—at a benefit concert called "Rally 4 Peace" over the weekend.

Cops in Baltimore want case dropped, says prosecutor "lacked professional conduct." Yeah. Sucks when that happens, pic.twitter.com/x6WDbr24ZF

— Miles Kahn (@mileskahn) May 9, 2015

2. Natalie Portman To Play Ruth Bader Ginsburg When She Was Young And Super Hot

Academy Award-winning actress Natalie Portman will be starring in the upcoming film On the Basis of Sex, in which she will play a manic pixie dream lawyer named Ruth Bader Ginsburg who overcomes countless obstacles to eventually becomes America's first Jewish female Supreme Court Justice and manages through persistence and whimsy to teach a cranky old judge named Antonin Scalia how to love again. (That last part might not be true.)

@michcoll for years I've said my type is "Natalie Portman in thick old person makeup" so this Ginsburg news is VERY exciting to me.

— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri) May 8, 2015

3. Glenn Beck Thinks The Government Cares Enough About Him To Bother Killing Him

Conservative provocateur Glenn Beck announced on his Internet show that the recent riots that occurred in Baltimore were in fact set up by the U.S. government in order to give them an excuse for taking control of all the police agencies around the country. As though that news is not unsettling enough, Beck also revealed that he himself will almost certainly be assassinated by federal agents in the coming months to keep the public from having a strong leader. I'm really sorry to be the one to break all this to you. Looks like we have some tough times ahead.

Glenn Beck thinks the Baltimore riots were fake, whereas I think Glenn Beck is a bunch of Teddy Ruxpins sewn into a big white tortilla.

— Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) May 11, 2015

4. 'American Idol' Will No Longer Be Around For You To Not Watch

Fox has announced that it is canceling its long-running singing competition series American Idol, roughly nine years after the last time you watched an episode and six years since you've known the name of any winner.

I'm sad American Idol is ending only because I thought it might morph into The Hunger Games so slowly we wouldn't even notice.

— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) May 11, 2015

5. Scientists Figure Out Decent Enough Reason To Have A Bunch Of Chocolate Around The Lab

Using a collection of x-ray machines and microscopes powerful enough to measure objects on a scale of nanometers, scientists have finally figure out why chocolate gets chalky white after a while. Apparently, it's caused by fat migrating to the chocolate's surface. No word yet on when we'll have a cure for cancer.

My mother once described Godiva's raspberry chocolate truffles as "orgasmic," so guess what gift I never get her anymore?

— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 10, 2015

And that man's name was Leeroy Jenkins.

On May 11, 2005, a video was uploaded to the site WarCraftMovies.com, entitled "Leeroy!!" It told the tale of a group of adventurers preparing for one of their toughest battles yet, and a man who was off getting chicken and didn't listen to any of their careful plans. It's not the most obvious viral hit—World of Warcraft already had millions of subscribers in 2005, but it was still surprising to see the tale of Leeroy's epic case of ADHD cross over into mainstream success, and all without YouTube. Even though YouTube had just been invented, not many people were using it yet, and viral videos still originated from a host of random sites like this.

Nevertheless, the message of these nerds' fastidious preparations (33.33%, repeating of course) being ruined by a trigger happy bro (real-life player Ben Schulz) who had just come back from reheating some KFC turned out to be a universal one. Whether it was a group project in school, a play on the sports field, or a presentation for your boss, we've all had our careful planning blown away by the Leeroys of the world. And yet somehow we love them for it (even though the video may have been a staged promotional stunt re-enacting a previous event, for which the guild PALS FOR LIFE was paid).

At least they have chicken.

Here's the full transcript:

(from vidqt.com)

Ok guys, these eggs have given us a lot of trouble in the past. Does anybody need anything off this guy? Or can we bypass him?
I think leeroy needs something from this guy
He needs those shoulders? Isn't he a paladin?
Yeah, but that will help him heal better. He'll have more mana.
Christ...Ok, what we'll do, I'll run in first, gather all the eggs. We can kinda just blast them all down. I will use Intimidating Shout to kinda scatter them so we won't have to fight a whole bunch of them at once. When my shout's done I'll need Anthony to come in and drop his shout, too, so we can keep them scatterd, not fight too many. When his is done, Basacorse needs to run in, do the same thing. We're gonna need divine intervention on our mages, so they can AoE, so we can of course get them down fast. Cause we're bringing all these guys, I mean, we'll be in trouble if we don't get them down quick. I think it's a pretty good plan, we should go pull it off this time. What do you think, Abdul? Can you give me a number crunch real quick?
Yeah, give me a sec. Im coming up with 32.33, repeating of course, percentage of survival

That's a lot better then we usually do -
Alright, thumb's up, lets do this! Leeeeerroy Jeeenkins!
Oh my god, he just ran in
Save him -Oh jeez -Stick to the plan
Oh jesus, let's go let's go
Stick to the plan, stick to the plan
Oh jeez, oh f**k. Do divine intervansion
Hurry up -I can't cast
I can't move, I can't move -What the hell?
I can't AE -Oh my god
I don't think you can cast with that s**t -Oh my god
Oh my god
God dammit, Leeroy. God dammit
Leeroy, you moron
I'm trying. It's not my fault
Who's soulstoned? We do have a soulstone up, don't we?
Oh god
Oh for--
Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell

At least I have chicken.

There's a Kickstarter for a fart-tracking device that claims to help reduce flatulence.

It's like Fitbit, but for farts! (via Kickstarter)

Whether you're constantly farting at inopportune times, or you just want to stop contributing so much methane gas to the atmosphere, this fart-tracking device is for you. According to Rodrigo Narciso's Kickstarter campaign, when the device is placed in close proximity to your b-hole, it measures farts and links the results to an phone app. The app takes into account what you've eaten, and tells you what foods to avoid to minimize the amount of air coming out your behind.

Alas, this dream may never come to fruition, since only $3,582 of the $180,000goal has been pledged with just 12 hours left. Ideally farters of the world will unite in these final hours to fund this project before is dissipates like the farts it hopes to reduce.

Together, we can improve the olfactory state of the planet.