A Vine video went viral in which the rapper cut himself off just before smiling in view of the media.

Ye almost let y'all catch him having a good time. Almost. https://t.co/DfLquuvN5Jhttp://t.co/ya1INSCV2u
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewset) May 11, 2015

Seeing famous rapper/world famous scowler Kanye West crack a smile is like seeing Bigfoot. It's so rare that most people think it's a myth, and the photos that exist are blurry and probably fake. But with this Vine, we've come tantalizingly close to proving once and for all that Yeezus is a man like the rest of us.

In the brief video, you can see Kanye in conversation with NBA legend Scottie Pippen at a Bulls/Cavs game. Something Pippen says causes Kanye's lips to contort in a bizarre way, the corners of his mouth arching upwards in an unnatural rictus. Experts believe it was the beginnings of a smile.

However, Kanye noticed the camera pointed at him just in time, and his face fell back into his customary scowl. Parody Twitter account @KanyeWset picked up the video and tweeted it with the caption "Ye almost let y'all catch him having a good time. Almost."

Meanwhile, the real Kanye is presumably doing everything he can to scrub this video from the Internet. After all, he's got a rep to protect.

Every student of martial arts prays they never have to use their skills, until a bike thief threatens the dojo.

Active outdoorsman and Jeep enthusiast David Menzies (left) blazes a trail through the window of a bike shop (right). (via Bay News 9)

David Menzies's plan was a simple one: Take a Jeep on a permanent test drive, then rob a sporting goods store of a bunch of bicycles. However, Menzies would have to face an entire Krav Maga self-defense class that was in session next door.

As Menzies broke into Kona Swim Bike Run, the co-owner of the adjoining Hammerfist Krav Maga, Jason Carrio, went to investigate the commotion. Finding broken glass on the ground and a strange man putting bikes and clothes into a brand new Jeep set off Carrio's Krav Maga danger senses. Carrio and a handful of martial arts instructors confronted Menzies.

"Hey, is that your stuff? Are those your bikes? What are you doing?" Carrio hollered as Menzies wordlessly continued to load up on things that weren't his. Things just weren't adding up. When the martial artists threatened to call the police. Menzies offered to wait in his already-running car. Now Carrio's Krav Maga sense was really tingling. He told Bay News 9, “I knew as soon as he got into that car he was going to try and take off and the car was running."

Carrio then Krav Maga'd the thief out of the car and into submission. "I just reacted. I just felt like this is the right thing to do."

Where did Menzies go wrong? Probably in not knowing what a Krav Maga studio was. He did case the place after all. The owner of the shop he robbed recognized him from a week earlier when he came in pretending to be a customer. Maybe Menzies thought Krav Maga was a Middle Eastern seafood place or some sort of exotic sandal store. Whatever the case, Hammerfist Krav Maga remains vigilant, keeping all of Florida's bikes safe.

My main hope in life is to be as awed by something as this kid is by chasing the snake that took his fish.

It's time all asked ourselves: "What's my snake stealing a fish?" Basically, what makes you as excited as this kid chasing a snake that stole the perch he caught? What makes you want to say, "Holy cow, that's amazing!" and then tell your mom to put it on YouTube?

If you don't have the answer, it's time to have a talk with yourself about what you're doing with your life. Yeah, that's right — you thought you were just going to watch a cool animal video, but I am asking you to question the core of your happiness and existence. What makes you excited to exist?

Also, if you'll need me, you can find me working on my new book, What's Your Snake Stealing a Fish?, available from Simon & Schuster in 2017.

A monster is on the loose in Wisconsin and it is stealing precious baby animals.

The momma kangaroo, pictured here having just the worst Mother's Day.
(via NBC News)

The Precious Memories zoo in Greenville, Wisconsin, is missing their new baby kangaroo and a handful of baby goats, and there are not many clues as to where they went.

The zoo noticed the missing animals on Wednesday as the staff moved animals back to the zoo for the summer season. There are no signs of a break in and no leads to go on, leaving zoo employees like Gretchen Crowe worried for the safety of the 5-month old joey.

“The baby kangaroo, unless it's being hand raised, it needs mom. They need the correct formula. They need the correct care. The goats are being bottle feed. They're not old enough to be on their own."

With nothing to go on, police are hoping that spreading the word will help find these baby animals and get them back into the loving, competent arms of the Precious Memories Zoo. If you live in Wisconsin, and you've noticed a buddy of yours has a new, weird-looking puppy and four goat pals, call the Outagamie County Sheriff's Office at (920) 832-5000.

What a weird coincidence that so many hateful people are also dumb.

A few weeks ago, the Islamic Society of Tampa's daycare center burned down after a rooftop air conditioner malfunctioned. About sixty children had to be evacuated, but luckily no one was hurt. Still, pretty sad. At least, that's what you'd think if you were an empathic human being who does not find children fleeing deadly situations to be moments of celebrations. Unfortunately, this is the Internet, so those kinds of people aren't nearly as numerous as you'd hope.

Somebody over at the Islamic Society decided to sit a few members down and film their reactions to some of the more egregiously bigoted/idiotic online comments accompanying the news story. I was afraid the end result was going to be a bunch of people being sad, shaking their heads and solemnly wiping away tears. Luckily, that's not the case. It's a bunch of people mocking the shit out of a lot racist stupidity, which really takes the fangs out of what would otherwise be a depressing collection of hate.

The truck is listed as being in stable condition.(photo via WESH)

George Zimmerman, who you may remember shot and killed an unarmed teenager in 2013, got to experience what life (but not death) is like on the other side of the gun today. According to reports, Zimmerman received minor injuries to his face following a road rage incident in Lake Mary, Florida that involved some other gun-wielding hot head standing his ground and firing through Zimmerman's passenger side window (the bullet did not strike Zimmerman).

Image of the bullet hole in #GeorgeZimmerman SUV. @WESHpic.twitter.com/GOZFdrfDf9

— bob kealing (@bobkealingwesh) May 11, 2015

This is the fourth run-in with the law (including three domestic violence incidents) for Zimmerman since he was acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin, which is probably why Lake Mary's police chief called him a "ticking time bomb."

Most time bombs can be defused though.

Wishing George Zimmerman a slow and partial recovery.
— todd levin (@toddlevin) May 11, 2015

I 100% believe that Willow Smith would spend time in an all-white room playing a xylophone.

What else does a teenager who doesn't believe time is real and says things like "because living" do with her time? I mean, Will Smith's daughter is not going to the mall unless it's to do something like release 500 goldfish into the mall fountain while repeating "There is no upstream, there is no downstream, there is only nowstream." And I have a hard time imagining her playing mini-golf with fellow teens, unless those teenagers are wearing all white outfits punctuated by amethyst crystals and and hovering two inches off the ground as they play.

So I think there's actually a really good chance that this new video for Willow's song "F Q-C #7" is all just documentary footage of the three things she does now: hanging out in trees and fields, walking down the street, or chilling in an all-white room where she has a different color outfit for every instrument.

At the very least, the last few years have made Willow chiller than she was in her fiery Nicki Minaj-as-mentor days:

Because commencement is not the end, but the beginning of a lifetime of complaining about college ending.

All dreams must die.(via Imgur)

This person majored in dope rhymes.(via Imgur)

Rent is probably super cheap living in a pineapple under the sea. (via Imgur)

One adventure you should start now is figuring out how to cook for yourself.(via Imgur)

Prepare to face the grumpiness of everyone in the real world! (via Imgur)

If you majored in English Lit, there's a chance most jobs are extinct. (via Imgur)

Prepare to feel like a zombie at your new desk job. (via Imgur)

At least you didn't get a Hogwarts diagnosis at the student health center. (via Imgur)

If only you could capture all your friends in a Pokeball and take them with you. (via Imgur)

Was it, though? (via Imgur)

You have to be brazen in this economy. (via Imgur)

Sallie Mae will be more persistent than those ghosts. They will find you. (via Imgur)

"Accio Diploma!" (via Imgur)

Wow. Wow. Wow. We've got a real badass grad here. (via Imgur)

It's clear that this person spent a lot more time on Zelda than his papers. (via Imgur)

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to pick a lucrative major. (via Imgur)

The numbers speak louder than anything else. (via Imgur)

The next Bill Nye just graduated.(via Imgur)

If you got caught up in this while you were supposed to be studying, I'm so sorry. (via Imgur)

Here's hoping that your debt isn't going UP. (via Imgur)

The days will be just packed when you're finally employable.(via Imgur)

Some didn't even make it out!(via Imgur)

Merry Christmas, people who like hot dogs buns covered in garlic salt.

My pancreas hurts. (Via Associated Press)

Like many other chain restaurants, revenues have been down for a while at the Olive Garden. Because there are now so many other places for a college freshman's parents to take them out to dinner when they're visiting, the O.G. is planning to turn things around by luring people in for lunch. So that means sandwiches. Sandwiches made from their addictive, carb-bomb breadsticks.

See also:A man has eaten 95 meals at Olive Garden in 6 weeks and is still alive to tell about it.

Beginning in June, Olive Garden will make for you what you invented while depressed and/or stoned and shove a chicken parmigiana patty or a bunch of meatballs into an Olive Garden breadstick. Well, sort of. They'll be using slightly wider, slightly shorter hoagie buns made from the same recipe used for the breadsticks.

To complete your descent into Type II diabetes, the sandwiches, like most everything else at Olive Garden, will be served with unlimited breadsticks.

A man in Thailand was caught on camera making sweet love to a Porsche.

You can't help who you love. (via LiveLeak)

This is exactly what you think it is. A man walks into what looks likes a parking garage in Thailand, pulls down his pants, and proceeds to engage in sexual relations with a white Porsche. He experiments with two different positions, both in the tailpipe and the front bumper.

Luckily a CCTV caught this priceless footage, which can be seen in all its glory on LiveLeak. Skip ahead to 0:42 to get to the main mechaphile action.

I mean, how could he help it? The car looked so good just sitting there, all shiny and new in its glorious Porsche-ness. And could it be? There was no one else around? They were all alone? He had to have the Porsche, right then and there.

He was probably just doing research for his auto-erotic novel, which means this wasn't his first time taking advantage of a hot, lonely vehicle. For authenticity, the book editor should definitely be the guy who had sex with over 700 cars.

Statistically speaking, nearly 1 in 3 births in the United States is a Cesarean, which means there's a decent chance if your wife or girlfriend is pregnant, you'll be watching her uterus get sliced open.

Here are some helpful tips for all the parents who'll be standing by on that big day:

1. Dressing like a doctor does not make you a doctor.

The dress code for a Cesarean birth is straight-up hospital scrubs. There's also a lot of downtime for the dad, so do your best to avoid the temptation to roam the halls reenacting scenes from Grey's Anatomy or Scrubs. I don't know if impersonating a doctor is a felony but it definitely should be.

2. Don't be jealous that your lady is all drugged up.

Your lady is going to be under heavy anesthesia and she might be a little bit loopy. Try to keep it all in perspective. She may be higher than that Phish concert you pretended to enjoy in college but she's also about to have her abdomen cut open. That is sure to mellow the vibes.

3. You are the least important person in the room.

That's just fact. Between doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists, and your wife, there's a lot of people doing a lot of hard work to bring your child into the world. At the moment, you dad are not one of them. I'm all for empowering dads and playing an equal role but in the operating room? During a Cesarean? Sit down, shut up, and do what you're told.

4. Don't look.

For the love of God don't look. I can't begin to tell you what it looked like when my kids were cut out of my wife because I didn't look. From where you're sitting, there'll be tarp put up to block your view and like the boring parts of Game of Thrones, you're going to be curious what's over the wall. Do not look. Your first moments with your new child should not be delayed because you puked.

5. Be ready to step it up.

Your lady just had her stomach sliced open. That's major abdominal surgery. For the first couple of days, she's not slowly adjusting to the responsibility of caring for a human life like you. She's learning to be a mom, she's trying to get the baby to nurse, and she's recovering from major surgery. If your girl needs something, jump.

6. Put your libido on ice.

Don't think that with a Cesarean birth, you're going to be getting nookie any sooner than a vaginal delivery. Just sleep when the baby sleeps. Sleep is going to be your only lover for a while.

(images via Sean Sullivan/Thinkstock)

A Melbourne, Australia man learns the hard way not to take selfies in Target.

One of the universe's most hated villains posing with Darth Vader. (via Naked Security)

What should have been a fun photo to surprise his children with turned into a social media minefield for one Australian man. While shopping in a Target store in Knox, a Melbourne suburb, the man spotted a cardboard cut-out of Darth Vader. Knowing his three kids are into the geek stuff, the man thought he would pose in front of the Sith lord to take his very first "selfie," or a cell phone self portrait photograph, as we used to call them in 2009.

This particular cardboard Vader was right across from a video screen playing "Frozen." Like all video screens playing "Frozen," there were unattended children glued to it. Our selfie-snapper told the children "I'll only be a second, I'm taking a selfie to send to my kids," then took his fun photo and went on his way. Soon, his face was all over Facebook, and not in a fun way.

Originally captioned on Facebook "OK, people, take a look at this creep." Ironically, the creep is behind the camera. (via The Daily Mail)

The mother of the two girls took her own photo of the man, claiming he was taking photos of her children and escaping before he was caught. Security was not able to stop our first-time selfie artist, so she took the next illogical step: Making up shit on social media.

How to ruin a man's life with one unsubstantiated accusation. (via Naked Security)

The now-deleted Facebook post spread like a bush fire, and soon the man's good name was in ruins. Once the man spoke to police and proved his innocence, a retraction post was made by police, but only had 2% as many views as the original. The falsely-accused man and his family are waiting on an apology from the woman whose vigilante actions ruined his reputation.

Social media is great at being fast, but it is also great at being filled with horseshit. Unverified information and false accusations can not only spread through a city in less than a day, it also gives online vigilantes ideas on how to exact their own revenge. Typically, we laugh when evil mega-corporations or hate groups get hacked. It's fun to see justice meted out by someone who is not a policeman, but it's socially destructive. Society has to do the busy work of finding out whether or not a man is actually a pedophile or if he's just using a smart phone.

Learning to use new technology can be fun or frustrating, but be careful with those cameras, old folks. Ask a young person for help, but be careful. You don't know what kind of creeps are out there.

Behold: a supercut of every Michael Jackson grunt ever recorded.

It's the elevator music for your descent into madness. It's the soundtrack to a surrealist softcore directed by a teenager with ADD. It's the noises you'd hear if Michael Jackson came back as a zombie on Walking Dead.

You only need to listen to about thirty seconds of this supercut to get the idea. In fact, if you listen to the entire supercut, you will lose your mind. If you happen to be under the influence of hallucinogens, however, you'll probably want to listen to the whole thing. Maybe even on repeat.

Here are some supercuts that are a farmorepleasant experience.

Party too hard with a claw machine last night?

In my head, this Good Humor machine also has dialogue in this video, and that dialogue goes like this:

"Whaaaaat? No, I'm awake. I'll do it. I can totally do that.
...ugggghhhhhhh.
...hold on, let me just...
...I think I'm gonna be sick...
...ok. ok. I can do this....
...I think I need to go home."

Sometimes you suck the bar...sometimes you suck.

1. American Idol fans, because it's going off the air.

Randy, Paula, and Simon have all aged terribly.(Getty)

I have shocking news for all of American Idol's biggest fans: it's still on the air. But not for long, because today it was announced that the next season of Am-Id (my nickname for it, never caught on) will be the last. After 15 years, it's hard to imagine a world without American Idol, or the famous names it launched into stardom: Soul Patrol guy, Frankie Underwood, not-David Archuleta…

Now that Ryan Seacrest, whoever the judges are, and the executives who copied the show from England are retiring to spend more time with their money, I guess the rest of us will be left high and dry. We'll just have to content ourselves watching one of the million identical shows on TV, like The Voice or The X Factor or Pawn Stars.

2. Three burglars who were caught because they left a trail of macaroni salad leading from the crime scene.

The Three Stooges in: Macaroni Mischief.(via WHEC)

In upstate New York, these three men almost got away with the perfect crime, but like all criminals, their lust for creamy picnic sides did them in. Investigators say that Matthew Sapetko, Timothy Walker, and James Marullo robbed a Build-A-Burger Restaurant in Mt. Morris. They broke in early Sunday morning and made off with the cash register, surveillance system, rubber gloves, loose change, and a giant bowl of macaroni salad. That's where it all fell apart.

Police found a "steady trail" of macaroni salad leading from the crime scene to one of their homes, where the rest of the stolen goods were being held. Detectives believe they took turns eating from the bowl during their getaway, which I think is also how Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch were taken down. The three men were arrested on charges of third-degree burglary, criminal mischief and grand larceny. Walker was also charged with possession of a controlled substance. I guess he had the rest of the salad.

3. Lindsay Lohan, because she has to finish her community service at a Brooklyn Children's Center or she'll go to jail.

I'm betting she's never tasted macaroni salad.(Getty)

Lindsay Lohan is in trouble with the law. I know that's about as surprising a news story as "George Zimmerman involved in shooting," but this time she REALLY should have known better (him too). To date, she has completed 9 hours and 45 minutes of the community service she was assigned after her 2012 reckless driving case. That leaves her with 125 hours to complete by May 28. Now that's some impressive procrastinating (we're connoisseurs around here.)

A Los Angeles judge approved Lohan's request to complete her service at the Duffield Children's Center in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. She better hope that it turns out she likes kids. If she doesn't complete all her time before she the 28th, prosecutors have said they'll seek jail time.

4. The children at the Duffield Children's Center in Brooklyn, because Lindsay Lohan is coming.

I feel you, kid.(stock photo)

Seriously? Kids? This is the best use of Lindsay Lohan's community service? Couldn't she pick up trash on the side of the highway, or do anything else that doesn't put children in danger?

I don't mean to be histrionic, here. It's not like she means those kids any harm, but have you seen her behind the wheel? She's a mess. I don't think she could handle nap time without a bunch of those kids going to the nurse with severe rug burn. And handing out milk? No sir. Better leave that to the most responsible 5-year-old.

What's more, the Duffield Children's Center specializes in providing affordable preschool and after-school programs for low-income Brooklyn families. How is Lindsay Lohan going to be able to relate to a bunch of needy kids? When she was their age, she was already a successful child model, well on her way to her inevitable collapse. By the time she's done with them, they'll all be asking their parents for headshots.

5. A Florida woman who called in a bomb threat so she could get a ride.

"You better still give me that ride."(via Pensacola News Journal)

Who needs Uber when you have the United States Navy? That must have been what Priscilla Lee Bembow of Pensacola, Florida was thinking when she called a Navy recruitment office on Monday morning. She asked the petty officer who answered if he was "the government," and when he said yes, she dropped a bombshell on him. Literally (not literally).

She said that there was a bomb at an undisclosed location, and if someone didn't pick her up from the gas station where she placed the call, "(expletive) was gonna go down." I'm assuming that expletive was "shit," but I can't confirm that.

A ride did come to the gas station for Bembow, but it wasn't anybody from the Navy. It was the police, who immediately took her on a free ride straight to jail. She's currently being held there on $5,000 bond, which is a lot more than an Uber would have cost. Unless surge pricing was active.

Good news! It's not just a signed headshot of Kanye West.

I got to my room in Brazil and my amazing thoughtful husband had the sweetest note with a couple thousand roses covering my entire suite for Mothers Day! I'm so sad I'm so far away on this day but happy we celebrated yesterday! I love you baby & North soooo much!!!

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on May 10, 2015 at 2:54pm PDT

Finally, we now know what a "Kanye West amount of roses" is: a couple thousand. At least, that's what Kanye sent to his wife Kim Kardashian's hotel room when she was on a business trip to São Paulo over Mother's Day weekend. That isn't just a large amount of roses, it's a "you didn't leave me anywhere to sleep" amount of roses.

And being married to Kanye West is just like being on a game show, because that's not all! (It's also like being on a game show because a lot of strangers clap for you and it sometimes requires more showmanship than skill.) When Kim went to dinner that night, she was greeted by a string quartet playing Sam Smith songs and waiters who said that every dish was "from Mr. West":

So I get to a restaurant in São Paulo & my husband had a string quartet waiting playing Sam Smith!!!!! Every single waiter who brought food said "This is from Mr. West for the best mother in the world"! Seriously I have the best husband ever!!!!

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on May 10, 2015 at 4:58pm PDT

When the waiters said the dishes were from Kanye, I really hope they meant that literally. Like, that Kanye flew to Brazil so he could secretly cook Kim dinner in the restaurant kitchen.

I also hope that this is the start of a beautiful and bizarre game of Kimye Mother's Day/Father's Day gift-giving one-upmanship that will result in ridiculous presents for years to come. If these guys aren't giving each other horses by 201, I'm going to be very disappointed.

Musk to employee: "I am extremely disappointed" you chose to attend your child's birth instead of attending a boring-ass work event.

Elon Musk isn't going to change the world if you have to miss Pizza Fridays to take care of your dumb kid. (via Getty Images)

Elon Musk is a visionary. Just ask him. Like all true visionaries, Musk is also a maniac who has no idea that other people have priorities in life besides Elon Musk.

Author Ashlee Vance's new book Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future details Musk's life from South African squalor to Silicon Valley splendor. How does someone become one of the world's foremost tech thinkers? Like many of the greats before him, Musk scolds regular human beings for having regular human lives.

Ryan Popple, one of Tesla's first employees and now its CEO, recounts Tesla's early days. When an employee complained of working too much, Musk would say of his staff, "They will get to see their families a lot when we go bankrupt."

Blaming your employees' love of family for the possible closure of your electro-car company is pretty slimy, but Musk can't be so Grinch-hearted that he would scold a Tesla employee for missing work to witness the birth of his child, can he?

Yes, he can. After missing some work event, probably an air-conditioned drone fest in a hotel ballroom, Musk reached out to the unnamed employee with what can only be described as the opposite of "Congratulations."

That is no excuse. I am extremely disappointed. You need to figure out where your priorities are. We're changing the world and changing history, and you either commit or you don't.

The upcoming book reveals a lot of Musk's quirks, including working 23 hours a day. Maybe an extra 6 hours of sleep might keep Elon Musk from innovating new ways of being a complete electric asshole.

There are only a few proud humans who can boast of pooping in space. But at the very least, we can now all visualize how they do it.

Has this ever happened to you? You're having a great fantasy about being an astronaut, but then you think about using the bathroom, and you just don't know how it works? Your lack of space toilet knowledge takes you right out of the fantasy and brings you back to dumb ol' Earth! What a waste of time.

Well, unless you were one of those lucky rich kids who went to Space Camp, you're not alone. (I assume that like, 40% of Space Camp was about learning about space toilets, right?) And thankfully, there's now this video from the European Space Agency and astronaut Samantha Cristoforetti to help you out. Cristoforetti explains the different suction systems for #1 and #2, plus how urine is recycled.

So watch this video, and get back to your astronaut fantasy with confidence!

Ms. Schumer in clothed-ier days.(via)

A few months back, when the trailer for Amy Schumer's upcoming movie Trainwreck first hit the Internet, she started catching some flack from the usual Internet morons about supposedly not being skinny or attractive enough to grace the same movie screens that regularly project superstars like Kevin James and Steve Buschemi.

Schumer responded by tweeting an almost completely naked photograph of herself along with whatever the opposite of an apology is:

I am a size 6 and have no plans of changing. This is it. Stay on or get off. Kisses! pic.twitter.com/6IsEfFOwAD
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) February 12, 2015

Earlier today, she tweeted out another—dare I say—even more almost completely naked photograph of herself along with some lyrics to James Brown's "I Feel Good":

I feel good dananananan I knew that I would. I feeeel nice. Like sugar and spice @andrea_tillerpic.twitter.com/Aq0fhe7eqw
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) May 11, 2015

Is this in response to something? Is it a message of empowerment? Is she having fun with exhibitionism? I don't know. Maybe. It's probably best not to analyze it too much. I'm not really one to look a naked celebrity in the mouth.

Related: 12 Angry Men decide if Amy Schumer is f*ckable enough to appear on TV.