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Article 21


Oh man, these mushrooms that look like people are so creepy.

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Mycologists (mushroom and fungus scientists) have confirmed that a variety of mushroom discovered in England is a previously unknown species. Big deal. We're writing about it on a humor site because it looks like a human.

No, you're not on the other kind of 'shrooms. (Via IFL Science)

Jonathan Revett is a mushroom hunter and mushroom blogger, and delights especially in coming across rare specimens. In 2000, he was walking along a country road in Norfolk, England, when he came across some very strange looking mushrooms. Well, they were strange in that they bore a resemblance to a very familiar form: MAN.

Other characteristics indicated to Revett that they were a variety of mushroom called Earthstars, but they still seemed a little off (beyond their creepy humanlike form). So he sent them to some labs for analysis, and it took 15 years, but a study recently published in Field Mycology confirmed that this was, in fact, an entirely new species called Geastrum britannicum.


"Come and play with us, Danny. Forever, and ever…" (Via IFL Science)

The takeaway here is of course that they look like people, which is amazing if you're an "everything is connected" kind of person, or terrifying if you're a "nature will rise up and avenge our destruction of the planet" kind of person. Nevertheless, these mushrooms are not considered edible. But nor are they poisonous. Kind of like if you ate a human.

One woman is breaking records with her extremely long tongue.

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Here is 18-year-old Adrianne Lewis's super long tongue.

Adrianne Lewis of Twin Lakes, Michigan has a four-inch tongue. She's been featured in Ripley's Believe It Or Not, and her goal is to break this dude's record and replace him in the Guinness Book Of World Records for having the longest tongue on earth.


Her tongue was published by age 13. (via Facebook)

Lewis can do things like lick her elbow, lick her own eyeball, lick the bottom of her chin, eat ice cream far more efficiently than the average-tongued human, and stick her tongue out farther than Miley Cyrus. She's even got a sweet #tbt tongue pic:

Not surprisingly, Lewis has received some comments on her YouTube videos that make her boyfriend "uncomfortable." That's a modest description for what are probably some pretty gross comments. Watch the interview with Barcroft TV to find out more about one woman's goal journey to having the longest licker (sorry) in the world.


Article 18

The trailer for the Muppets' new TV show is here, and it features a younger, sexier pig lady.

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"What can I say, Gonzo? I'm attracted to pigs." — Kermit

Great news, swinophiles! Not only is Miss Piggy—our culture's most enduring example of the eroticization of pigs—returning to television this fall for the Muppets' new Office-esque sitcom on ABC, but she's being joined by a younger and ever more overtly sexual pig muppet. Check out this sow:

Now, we don't know what her name is, but this trailer makes it seem like she'll be a third point in a love triangle with Kermit and Miss Piggy. So, she should get lots of screen time, which will be great for you and all your friends on that message board you you spend so much time on.

And, you know what? This show actually looks like it'll be good even for people who aren't sexually attracted to pigs. There are some jokes, there's a guy who's sexually attracted to chickens, there's some cultural commentary. It looks like it's got something for everybody!

This Week in GOOP: Gwyneth's newsletter features the most expensive dog leashes I've ever seen.

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Welcome to This Week in GOOP, where an Apple a day would make Gwyneth Paltrow very sore.

First up, Gwynnie talks to Dr. Oscar Serrallach, a family doctor in rural Australia (even the doctors in GOOP are farm-fresh), about what he calls Postnatal Depletion, which occurs just after childbirth when a woman's body is still recovering from all the work it did to grow and expel a tiny human. I know I make fun of Gwynnie's “experts" a lot, but I think this piece does a good job of addressing the emotional and physical state experienced by many moms, new and otherwise. Boiled down, the (actually really sound) advice here is “take care of yourself or you're no good to anyone, especially your kids."

And what's a great way to take care of yourself? New shoes, of course, so let's peep GOOP's Best of Spring Shoes collection.

It starts with some Smoking Slipper Platforms ($75), which, upon further inspection, are just espadrilles who've maybe been to boarding school and come home with an attitude and some bad habits. We also have the infamous Stella McCartney space sneakers ($650), but if you want to really take it up a notch, you'll need the Hugh Sneakers.

With an $820 price tag, even Michael Jordan bows in reverence and is all “way to fleece the masses, brah."


In addition, the collection features the standard sandals and loafers and such. But my favorites are some Twins for Peace kicks ($225) printed with a French phrase that literally translates to “something in French."

I imagine this leading to many who's on first-style exchanges as people ask what it says and you reply and they're all “stop being such a bitch and JUST TELL ME."

Next we have some interior design tips that “make a big impact" from Kara Mann, who styled the most recent GOOP pop-up shop in Chicago. Most of this isn't terribly cutting-edge advice – “mix modern with traditional," “avoid clutter," “let your rooms do double-duty," etc. But if you don't watch HGTV as much as I do, you might find some new little nuggets of wisdom here.

However, I do take issue with Gwynnie's assertion that Kara's work on the GOOP shop made it “feel more like a home than a boutique." Because you can't say that and then feature this photo.

Does your home include the cozy seating of two chairs tilted at the uncomfortable angle of astronauts about to blast off into space? How about a couple of bare bulbs with the cords strung up like starving college students? Maybe a painting the color of graphite?

This place has all the warmth of a walk-in freezer. If it's GOOP's version of "home," it explains an awful lot.

And finally, we have some canine couture, brought to you by a designer who admittedly took her leftover scraps of fabric and turned them into very pricey dog collars and leashes ($80-$195). She also sells chandeliers made of beer bottle caps and wine corks ($1800-$5000). I'd be appalled but it's hard not to admire someone who's found a way to make money emptying her recycling bin after a bender.

As always, Gwynnie, we're not worthy.

18 people on Tinder who are probably going to murder you.

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1.


Don't ever trust someone that uses Photoshop this poorly. (via Imgur)

Tinder is tough, because you want to meet new people and get dates in a convenient and easy way, but you also don't want to be murdered. It's a tricky balance, but to help you navigate through the toils and snares of deciding between a left and right swipe, here are 18 types of people on Tinder who will probably murder you. Good luck!

2.


If there's one piece of Tinder advice you should always follow, it's never trust The Lizard King. (via Imgur)

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You can't say you're chill and laid back while being naked and holding a gun. (via Imgur)

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If their picture may or may not be from The Grudge, swipe left quickly. (via Imgur)

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Of course he runs a sub 6-minute mile. He's a centaur. (via Imgur)

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Choosing a profile picture of an actual murderer is usually a big red flag as well. (via Imgur)


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What's he hiding under those CDs? Seems suspicious to me. (via Imgur)

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I want to know who took this picture and why are they not in prison? (via Imgur)


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Do you really want to get involved with yet another dinosaur? Of course not. (via Imgur)


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If their profile picture is 80% cheese puffs, you are going to be murdered. (via Imgur)


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If you have time to photoshop in a crotch arm, you definitely have time to murder. (via Imgur)


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If she's the literal devil and horns are coming out of her head, that's a surefire murder sign as well. (via Imgur)

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Anyone that has time to roleplay as a puppy on a dating site is 100% a serial killer. (via Imgur)


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Can you be TOO PERFECT? Apparently so. (via Imgur)


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What was in his hand before he put that cat in there? A knife? A dead body? The Sixth Sense on DVD? (via Imgur)

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Nice try, camel. Posing with an attractive girl isn't going to fool me again. (via Imgur)


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The most troubling part of this is how many shelves behind him are empty or filled with decorative babies. (via Imgur)


18.


Of course the best way to tell is if your potential match is literally murdering someone in their picture. That's always the most obvious sign. (via Imgur)

Taylor Swift continues to be the nicest person, comforts a grieving fan on Tumblr on Mother's Day.

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The fan wrote a message on Tumblr about how Taylor Swift's music comforted her after her mother's death, Taylor responded wonderfully, and we should all have a group hug.


Taylor Swift and the woman who gave Taylor half of her awesome niceness genes.
(via Getty Images)

There are a few things in this world that always feel like benevolent forces for good — things like sunsets, puppies, and Taylor Swift.*

On Mother's Day, one of Swift's fans wrote her a note on Tumblr about how Swift's music helped her after her mother's death last year:

Dear Taylor,
It's me, iced coffee girl, and I could really use a hug. Today is Mother's Day, a day most people spend with their mothers thanking them for everything they do. But, for me, I can't spend this day with my mom because she's in heaven. Last January, my mom passed away and a piece of my heart left with her. My mom was my best friend, the one I laughed with, the one I cried with, and the one I loved with my whole heart. For a while, I felt empty. But as you've done many times before, you filled that hole. You took me out of my sad place and made me happy. And because of you, I got through something that was the hardest thing in the world for me. Today's going to be another hard day, but I know with you on my side I can get through anything. I love you. Always, Kaileen

Swift, whose own mother was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year, responded with a lovely note:

Kaileen- I love you so much and can't imagine what you must be feeling today. You've lived through my worst fear. I'm so sorry you can't spend today with her. It's not fair, and there's no reason why you should feel okay about it. No one should ever expect you to feel normal today. I admire and respect your ability to put forth such a sunny, sweet disposition when you've been through something so dark and tragic so recently. I never would've guessed by your attitude or your posts. I never would've known if you hadn't told me. Sending you a huge hug today.
Gonna go get iced coffee and cheers to you. :)

If this isn't already a thing, can we start referring to really nice things as being "Taylor Swift nice"?

* Is Taylor Swift actually a bunch of puppies and sunsets in a human suit? Maybe!


Professor makes students live out the nightmare of showing up to their final exam naked.

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Dramatization.(photo via Thinkstock)

There's a class at the University of California San Diego where the students have to take the final exam stark naked. It's not a history class or math class or anything useful mainstream, it's a performance art class called Visual Arts 104A: Performing the Self, which honestly sounds pretty masturbatory to me (everyone else gets fully nude when they go to town on themselves, right?).

The professor, Ricardo Dominguez (who strips down along with his students), describes the exam as a "performance of self" in a dark room with a lit candle (at least the light is flattering):

The prompt is to speak about or do a gesture or create an installation that says, 'what is more you than you are.'

He teaches like Jaden Smith tweets!

Dominguez has been requiring students bare it all for over a decade, but one girl signed up for his class with the very reasonable expectation that her final grade wouldn't depend on flashing her goodies and now here we are.

The controversy caused the chairman of UCSD's Visual Arts Department to "clarify" that no one has to get nude to pass the class:

There are many ways to perform nudity or nakedness, summoning art history conventions of the nude or laying bare of one's “traumatic" or most fragile and vulnerable self. One can “be" nude while being covered.

Got that, you uptight squares? Nudity is like art (or floam), it can be whatever you want it to be.

Before you pass judgment on Dominguez or his methods, he's got some pretty stellar reviews from the kids brave/batshit enough to whip it out in front of their classmates (courtesy of RateMyProfessors.com):

See? Maybe you're the sucker for having clothes on all the time.

You can get this woman's hot Etsy creations way cheaper at Target because they straight-up stole her design.

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Target attempts to make absolutely everything available in their stores by stealing mom's t-shirt design.

Melissa Lay has been making cool t-shirts and selling them on Etsy for $25 a pop. Then she caught her big break, when retail store Target started selling her shirts for only $12.99. Finally! The exposure she was looking for to officially break into the fashion business. Except Target didn't tell her or pay her. They just stole her design from her Etsy page.

Mrs. Lay screen prints all her shirts (for adults and kids) in her garage in Milwaukie, Oregon and sends those shirts to each individual person who orders one. Target, on the other hand, prints a bunch all at once on lower-quality shirts and sells them without crediting the designer.

If you think this is the first time they've done something like this, think again. They did it to another mom, in fact. Their knockoffs don't just affect moms who make clothes. They steal all kinds of designs.

So the next time you need an enormous box of Goldfish Crackers, a new bike, and a new Sheryl Crow CD, maybe make an ethical choice and shop at Walmart instead.

Louis CK reveals the dirtiest joke he ever got on air.

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Get it?(screenshot via Late Night)

Way back in the roaring '90s, Conan O'Brien hosted Late Night and it seemed like they could get away with anything (Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the Masturbating Bear, the Walker Texas Ranger lever, etc.). Even so, Louis CK (who wrote for Late Night then) told Seth Meyers (who hosts Late Night now) that he was constantly fighting to get filthy jokes past the censors. CK and fellow writer Dino "Starburns" Stamatopoulos finally figured out a workaround—writing the short jokes the announcer says just before introducing Conan. He managed to get a "pearl necklace" reference in, but it didn't work as planned because the audience wasn't nearly as gutter-minded as the ones writing for them. Not much has changed, because most of Meyers' audience didn't get it either:


This guy found the most creative place on his body to smuggle heroin.

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This Chinese man was arrested on a train and found to have a wrap of heroin hidden in his foreskin.


He has the posture of a man with drugs in his foreskin.(via Metro)

The debate over circumcision is a heated one. There are a lot of common arguments made for either side, about health, sensitivity, religion… but this is a new one, and it could be a game changer.

There's no doubt that if this unnamed Chinese man had been circumcised, he would have needed a different (inferior) strategy to smuggle a plastic wrap of heroin through tight security on a train from Beijing to Tibet. He probably would have had to do something boring like swallow it or put it in his butt. But because he was uncircumcised, he had a handy skin flap to tuck it into, or roll it up in, or something. I'm not sure exactly how it works; I'm circumcised. And I'm not a smuggler.

Officials noticed the man was behaving suspiciously on the train (I have to imagine constantly adjusting his pants), so they arrested him. They didn't find any drugs in his belongings or clothes, but his urine tested positive for morphine, so they subjected him to a classic Chinese "lengthy interrogation." Ultimately, he confessed, and produced the wrap of horse from his hog.

If they want to put this guy in prison, they're going to have to be careful. Every day they'll have to check his foreskin for a nail file.

Watch this awesome mom lip sync to her four-year-old's tantrum.

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Parents: If you can't join in your kids' tantrums, you can at least lip sync to them.

One thing that sucks about being an adult is that, when a kid has a tantrum, it's generally frowned upon to have a tantrum back at them (as much as we really, really, really want to). But here's one solution: lip syncing along to your children as they shriek, scream, and yell "no!"

I hope that the next celebrity Lip Sync Battle is just famous people lip syncing to cranky kids. Just try to tell me you wouldn't watch Robert De Niro lip syncing to a kid in the grocery store who wants Flaming Hot Cheetos vs. Amy Adams lip syncing to a kid who really needs to pee but isn't home and is scared of public bathrooms.

Article 8

Man founds new country so his daughter can be its princess.

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A Virginia farmer asks the Internet to buy him land in Sudan to make his daughter's dreams (or maybe his own) come true.


A man out standing in his kingdom.(via Indiegogo)

Jeremiah Heaton, a farmer and doting father in Virginia, is taking to the Internet to make his daughter's dream come true. Heaton's daughter Emily doesn't want to visit Disneyland or pretend to be Batman for a day. No, little Emily wants to be Princess Emily. Not some bullshit plastic tiara princess either, a real princess. Jeremiah is only too happy to make his daughter's dream become royal decree.

You see, Jeremiah Heaton is one of the few human beings that has children. Children are such a precious commodity, we cannot disappoint them and tell them they can't actually be royalty or else they will cry for 10 minutes. Of course, making your daughter a real princess has one perk: Now you're the king! Heaton's crusade for unclaimed lands to settle his new kingdom landed him and his family on the border of Egypt and Sudan in a region named Bir Tawil.


Bir Tawil, apparently free to take if your kids made a flag.(via Google Maps)

Bir Tawil is a tiny scrap of land that neither Egypt or Sudan formally claim. It is directly southwest of the Hala'ib Triangle, which both Egypt and Sudan claim. Bir Tawil was basically the 2nd place prize in this dispute between the neighboring African countries, until Heaton founded the Kingdom of North Sudan on Emily's 7th birthday. Does Heaton actually have a claim to this unused land? Well, he planted a flag! He explains to the Washington Post:

He argues that planting the flag — which his children designed — is exactly how several other countries, including what became the United States, were historically claimed. The key difference, Heaton said, is that those historical cases of imperialism were acts of war while his was an act of love.

Now that King Jeremiah the Only has done the heavy lifting of putting a flag in the dirt, he needs your money. You see, one of Princess Emily's other dreams is for her daddy to make "a garden as big as our country." For some reason, Emily is really big into Emperor Daddy making a ton of money farming land he didn't have to pay for. A royal Indiegogo campaign is currently collecting tax from Internet peasants to fund this foolish fiefdom.

Ultimately, Heaton wants to dedicate the Kingdom of North Sudan to solving world hunger through agricultural research. The campaign page is littered with motivational poster language, comparing the farming of Saharan African to landing on the moon, Mars, and any other human achievement that took decades of research and manpower to accomplish. Don't worry, there are promises everywhere that "top notch" scientists will be working on solving world hunger together. Heaton writes on the Indiegogo campaign page, "The overall project goal for 5 years is $505.5 million. This is equal to 10% of the United States population contributing $15 or only 5% of the population of Europe giving $16 Euros." This first (and probably last) Indiegogo campaign is only for funding half of Phase 0, which is building a place for the scientists to do science.


The Founding Fathers of North Sudan. Clockwise from top right, Chair of the Constitution Committee, Surgeon General, Sec. of National Sustainability, Sec. of International Relations, and the "Fundraiser-in-Chief." (via Indiegogo)

In order to sweeten the pot, the Kingdom of North Sudan is selling merchandise as well as honorifics. For 200 bucks, you can be the court jester (it says so on your business cards!). For 300 bucks, You can become a Knight of the Non-existent Table. For a million and a half, we'll name the dang airport after you! And remember, all you ironic-donators out there, since this is an Indiegogo fundraising campaign, Jeremiah gets to keep the money he does raise even if he doesn't meet his goal.

A father's love for his daughter clearly knows no bounds, but when you're putting flags in the dirt and a crown on your head and start asking for cash to solve world hunger, you have to ask yourself who is acting more childish.



This Chinese guy modeled his life on 'Friends' and it's surprisingly heartwarming.

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There is a man in China who has molded his life into a living 'Friends' episode.


Part Gunther. Part Chandler. 100% Friends.(via YouTube)

A man who goes by the name of Gunther manages a coffee shop called Central Perk in Beijing, China. The coffee shop is a meticulous replica of the set from Friends. In the short i-D documentary, Gunther explains that he was heartbroken over his first love leaving him when a friend suggested he watch Friends to help him cope. The show got him through the difficult time in his life, so now he recommends it to other people, even likening the series to a religion. The story sounds like a meta sub-plot of a Friends episode.


It wouldn't be Friends without the fountain. (via YouTube)

Here's the highlight reel from this video about Gunther and his Friends obsession:

1. Gunther's son's name is Joey, and, of course, he's taught him to say "how you doin'?"
2. He refers to the Beijing Central Perk as a "friendship building."
3. He holds up a copy of Baywatch and says "big boobs."
4. Smelly Cat, the foosball table, and Huggsy, Joey's bedtime penguin pal, all make an appearance.
5. He couldn't find the yellow frame from Monica's apartment door, so he made one.

At the end of the video, Gunther says, "I'm living in Friends, of course I'm happy every day. We all want to live in this dream and never wake up."

It's sort of beautiful and heartbreaking, and delves deeper than most storylines in the real TV show.

Here's the full video:


A son surprised his mom with a video to help find her a boyfriend.

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This video proves the number one "catch" in your area is this guy's mom.

Alex Lyngaas is probably the nicest son to ever grace the Earth (including Jesus, who he kind of looks like).

He took the time to make an entire short film that serves as his mother's video dating profile. Most of the video is about her, but some is about life and love in general, if you're looking to ruminate on that awhile, rather than find a hot date.

His mom is quite a catch. She has an unbelievably long list of hobbies, and for someone old enough to have an adult son, she's more active than I am. I am hoping to ask her on a date just to show me how she has the energy to do all of these activities.

If you want to ask her on a date yourself, email: icouldbeadam@gmail.com

If that video didn't do it for you, you could always try one of these guys!


This guy sneezed out a piece of his childhood that had been lodged in his nose for 44 years.

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After a bad sneezing fit, the sucker from a toy dart came out of Steve Easton's nose.

51-year-old Steve Easton lives in Surrey, UK. His whole life he's had occasional sniffles and headaches, but he always attributed it to allergies. Or he did, until the day he had a severe sneezing fit while sitting in front of his computer, and a piece of rubber flew out of his nose. It was the suction cup from a toy dart, and he had no idea how long it had been in there.

He called his mom, and she immediately knew what he was talking about. When he was seven, his parents had found him with his dart gun, but the sucker from one of the darts was nowhere to be found. Thinking he had swallowed it, they took him to the hospital, but the doctors could find no sign.


Maybe it's good kids don't get these anymore.(stock photo)

Amazingly, the sucker stayed buried in Easton's nose for 44 years without him or anyone else knowing. Now that it's out, he says he feels no different. In the video, he seems nonplussed about the whole thing. If it were me, I'd freak out a little. Easton had one more ominous thing to say:

"I wonder if there's anything else up there."

So do we, Steve. Keep us posted.

Reporter confronts a-holes who say "f**k her right in the p***y" to her on air.

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What's worse than one bro saying something totally inappropriate to a woman? Multiple bros who try to tell the woman why it's funny.

I'm guessing that if you're reading this, you're a sane, nice person who wouldn't say "fuck her right in the pussy" to a female news reporter while she's on air, doing her job. Hell, I'm going to take a leap of faith here and guess that you even have the basic human decency to not say it to her when she's off air and not doing her job, too, because you have the good sense to NEVER SAY THAT TO A WOMAN BECAUSE YOU RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE.

But you, my friend, are not these bros. These bros were hanging out after a recent soccer game in Toronto and decided to follow the "fuck her right in the pussy" trend, saying just that to reporter Shauna Hunt and then being totally dismissive of her pissed off response. Oh, and you read that right — this is a trend. Saying "fuck her right in the pussy" on live TV has been done enough times that it has its own acronym, FHRITP. (If you want to see some other FHRITP videos that range from annoying to infuriating, you can check out FHRITP on Know Your Meme.)

Thankfully, Shauna Hunt is a badass, and she shut the gentlemen down on live TV. And the incident has had serious repercussions — not only are people celebrating Hunt for standing up to the a-holes, but one of the men from the video actually been fired from his job due to his remarks.

Here's a tip, everyone — if you don't say "FHRITP," you might get fewer chuckles from your bro-friends. But at least you'll keep your fucking job and the respect of the people around you.

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