There are only two things that are better than watching this livecam of Corgi puppies: being in a real room of Corgi puppies, or suddenly getting enough money that you could buy yourself a room full of Corgi puppies.

I strongly believe in the healing power of a good therapist. But I also believe that some therapists could be replaced with a room full of Corgis and the sessions would be just as effective for temporarily alleviating sadness. That is why you should watch this livestream of Corgi puppies playing, cute-sleeping, and hanging with their momma.

One note: the dogs can't, unfortunately, help you understand how your mother's cold distance drove you to be a workaholic who pushes away the people you love. That is why you should still go see a therapist even if you watch these Corgis. Or, if you find a Corgi that can unravel the complexities of the human mind, please let me know, because I would gladly pay $100+/hr for a DOG THERAPIST.

Prepare to get clit-bagged.

I don't want to discourage women in particular from having potty mouths—it's an equal opportunity game, being vulgar—but yeah, watching Hilary Kissinger of UCBComedy's Lash team be the epitomy of the gross dude gamer, but with lady specifics, makes me a little squirmy. Then again, I play Destiny without a microphone or headphones because I can't stand listening to the 13-year-olds (and mental 13-year-olds) who talk like she does anyway, so maybe I'm a bit of a weeny.

Someone started a fundraiser to help pay the Patriots' $1M fine for cheating at sports.

Oh, you're a billionaire? Here, take my money! (via Thinkstock/gofundme)

The New England Patriots are officially being fined $1 million for, like, fondlingfootballs or something. It shouldn't be a very big deal because team owner and rubbery-cheese-maker Robert Kraft is literally a billionaire. Do you know how much a million dollars is to someone who has $4.3 billion? It's like dropping a partially-deflated football in a stadium-sized bucket.

For a reason that is completely outside my realm of understanding, one ride-or-die Patriots fan set up a GoFundMe page to help pay the Patriots' $1M cheating tab. Also, since the fundraiser is totally independent of the team, the Patriots might not even accept the money. Why? Why would anyone donate to this? Please do not donate to this. Even if you are only doing it as a way to retaliate against the fine imposed on the Patriots, please donate your money to something worthwhile instead. Remember, the owner is a billionaire and does not need your $5.

Please don't sent this story to my wife!

Last week, I asked all of you to please send my wife a post about how being a kind-of-fat dude is somehow considered sexy these days, and it worked. You guys sent her the post, and she actually looked at my oddly shaped body with a little less repulsion than normal for a few days. Aw, it was great. I felt 35 again! I felt so only-a-little-bit-old.

Unfortunately, Kristin Schaal was on The Daily Show last night doing her best to pop society's bubble of delusion concerning this laughably silly double standand, and I'm really afraid that my wife is going to see it and suddenly come to her senses. So, please, whatever you do, don't send this to my wife! I'll make it up to you by not writing a post about that weird thing you're always googling at work.

Deal?

Further evidence that God is not great: he allows pandas to continue their disgusting lives unchecked.

Like the ghost of a better bear, the braindead panda stares into the distance, all the while thoughtlessly munching a piece of bamboo. God is dead.(image via Thinkstock)

Scripture tells us that God so loved the world that He gave us His only son, Jesus, so that we could have eternal life. Then, I guess as some sort of prank, God made The Giant Panda. And now all believers will be forced to live with at least the memory of these awful beasts for all eternity.

If ever there were a being that is the absolute opposite of Jesus, it is the panda. Jesus was a physically fit miracle-working spiritual leader who understood the human condition so well that he amassed a following of billions of people after his death. The panda is a fat, lazy, half-dog/half-manatee land mammal that can barely reproduce. God chose the serpent as a way to illustrate the Devil in the Bible, but if He were looking for a real nemesis to humankind, He need look no further than the panda.

The Giant Panda looks on dumbfounded, black rings around the eyes as if God punched it in the face twice upon finishing it. (image via Thinkstock)

Though a carnivore, the panda's diet is 99% bamboo. Not because it's good at digesting bamboo. It's not. At all. It eats tons and tons of the fast-growing plant, barely getting anything out of each individual bite.

The Lord gave them the tools to rip apart most other animals for sustenance, yet the ever-lethargic panda won't use any of God's gifts to provide its family food. Instead they are insistent on eating the same meal over and over and over. Man cannot live on bread alone, but this mistake of nature will only treat itself to a stick from the ground when it has limitless options. Other bears must treat pandas the way humans (rightfully) treat vegans. With utter disdain.

As if that terrible choice weren't enough to convince you to never think of the panda again, they also have no interest in mating. They know they were God's mistake, and don't want to perpetuate that mistake over and over again. Most pandas in captivity only get pregnant from artificial insemination even after the male pandas are given large doses of Viagra. The panda is self-aware enough to not wish its fate upon its offspring.

A rare image of an entire panda family gorging itself on bamboo, God's first failed attempt to make grass.(image via Thinkstock)

And yet, the world praises this hideous beast. They find this atrocity "cute." Possibly because of videos like this:

I counter this video with another video of a panda nearly killing a man just so he could play with his shirt. They are killing machines with no respect for human life:

If you need more evidence that God wants to extract Himself from any connection to the panda, consider this: every single panda living on Earth is technically the property of the godless nation of Communist China. All pandas in other countries were given as gifts. That's how awful pandas are. God gave them to China, and China regifted them.

A bear without a country.(image via Thinkstock)

So the next time you look upon the panda with awe or "awws," remember that it is sitting there merely waiting to die because it knows that's what God wants also.

A scientist proposed cocaine-eating butterflies as an alternative to spraying harmful herbicides on coca plants.

Hey man, got any coke? (via Thinkstock)

Until recently, the government in Columbia was killing coca crops, whose leaves produce cocaine, by spraying plants with the herbicide glyphosate. However, upon the World Health Organization's decision to classify glyphosate as a carcinogen, Columbia is looking for alternatives to curb the country's cocaine production.

Enter the butterfly! Scientist Alberto Gomez proposed the use of Eloria noyesi, a type of butterfly who loves eating coca leaves. There are 157 species of coca plants and only two are used to make cocaine. And, of course, these butterflies' favorite foods are the exact two plants that produce cocaine. These flying coke-heads require the top-notch blow.

Here's a clip of the story:

Seriously, trust me on this. You remember what it's like to trust someone, right?

If you've scrolled all the way down here and you're reading this text, I assume that means you don't remember what it's like to trust someone, and you didn't trust me enough to press play on that Vine video from Greg Baskwell. Hey, shhh — it's OK. You don't have to watch the video. How about we take a few minutes sitting here, you and me? Just think about how you're feeling. Not how you should feel, but how you actually feel. The answer might surprise you. Hell, the answer might even be that you feel like watching that video, but you're scared. It's all right.

Follow your fear. Press play.

There IS a right time to stop at Dunkin' Donuts, and that time is "anytime you don't have a dead body in your car."

A hearse made headlines on Tuesday when it was discovered not at the funeral service it was heading to, but parked in a Dunkin' Donuts parking lot in New Port Ritchey, FL. The two funeral company employees driving the vehicle that day had stopped to get coffee... with deceased Army veteran Lt. Col. Jesse Coleman in the back. Area resident Rob Carpenter saw the hearse in the parking lot, took a video, and shared it online with the group Veteran Warriors. The video sparked outrage among veterans and non-veterans alike, because, hey, NO CORPSE SHOULD EVER BE PARKED IN A DUNKIN' DONUTS PARKING LOT ON THE WAY TO ITS FUNERAL.

The hearse was from Veterans Funeral Care, "the first full service funeral home in America built to serve the veteran and military community," at least as long as our employees have their morning joe. According to Jim Rudolph, the company's president and "man who keeps looking at his phone" in the serious news interview above, it's against company policy to stop if there is more than one employee in the car — and there were two. Both have been fired.

There's a lot to this story that's more offensive than this, but one thing I'd like to note — if you're going to be dumb enough to make a pit stop while transporting a deceased member of the armed forces to his funeral, at least have the decency to park in one parking space and not straddle the white line between two spaces.

The book title translates to "Marital and Sexual Problems in Men," but nobody is quite sure how Mr. Yorke landed on the cover.

Oh man! I am so excited. For years I've been thinking to myself, "I sure do love Thom Yorke's music, but when is the guy gonna help teach me about male sexual problems?" Well, now Thom Yorke is on the cover of an Iranian sex education book, so today is my day! Or it would be if I knew how to read Persian. I guess needing to read a book about male sexual issues with Thom Yorke on the cover is as good as any other reason to learn a new language.

A pic of @radiohead's vocalist @thomyorke on a book about sex problems between couples published in Iran pic.twitter.com/TFKGGLs1Xw
— Sobhan Hassanvand (@Hassanvand) May 11, 2015

It's not completely clear how Yorke's image ended up on the cover of the book — a Twitter user apparently confirmed that he took it, but the path of the image is unclear from there. Oh, and yes — that's apparently deceased author John Updike on there too. I'm not sure who the third guy is, but let's call him Carl. My hope is that the thrust (ha, ha) of this book is that there are three types of sex problems in the bedroom — John Updike problems, Thom Yorke problems, and Carl problems.

My other hope is that this turns out to be a viral promotion for a new Radiohead album titled Marital and Sexual Problems in Men. Fingers crossed!

These two grade school friends ran into each other in high school, reminding one of his old promise.

In the second grade, Ben Moser became pals with Mary Lapkowicz. Most kids shied away from Mary because she has Down syndrome, but Ben always tried to include her in school activities.

These two are so sweet and adorable, it's like two gummi bears are going to prom.
(via The Patriot-News)

When they were both in fourth grade, their teacher Tracey Spogli noticed how much Ben looked out for Mary. She told The Patriot-News, "If she was looking like she wasn't having fun, he would go over and talk to her. He would pull her into whatever activity they were doing. He just always watched out for her."

Their fourth grade teacher, Tracey Spogli, came for the pre-prom photo shoot, too. It keeps getting more adorable! (via The Patriot-News)

It was during the fourth grade that Ben made a promise to Mary that he would take her to prom when they got old enough. In sixth grade, Mary changed schools and the two friends didn't see much of each other. Then, last year during a football game between their two respective high schools, Ben and Mary saw each other again. Ben was instantly reminded of his promise.

How can you stand it!?(via The Patriot-News)

When prom season came around, Ben showed up at Mary's school with a white balloon with "Prom?" written on it. Mary was surprised. She had plans to go with a group of friends instead. Taking the quarterback of the rival high school team has to be a huge upgrade. When asked if he was nervous to go to the rival school's prom, Ben responded, "I don't think it should be too weird. There [are] good kids there."

A heart-shaped question mark? I have to stop here. Too adorable.(via The Patriot-News)

"The Simpsons" just got renewed for its 27th and 28th seasons and this voice actor might just be done.

The end is coming, say your prayers!(via Fox)

Since 1989, Harry Shearer has been voicing some of the most iconic characters on The Simpsons including: Ned Flanders, Reverend Lovejoy, Otto, Dr. Hibbert, MR. BURNS and Kent Brockman. Yes, all those distinct and well-defined voices come out of just one man. Probably when he was coming up with them, he had no idea that the next 26 years would be devoted to this series. As much as I love The Simpsons it's probably hard to stick with just one project for more than half your life. It doesn't look like the show is going to be cancelled anytime soon either– it was just renewed for two more seasons!

Late last night Shearer tweeted these vague messages:

from James L. Brooks' lawyer: "show will go on, Harry will not be part of it, wish him the best.". (1/2)

— Harry Shearer (@theharryshearer) May 14, 2015

This because I wanted what we've always had: the freedom to do other work. Of course, I wish him the very best. (2/2)

— Harry Shearer (@theharryshearer) May 14, 2015

Ruh roh. Not a lot of information to take away from this, but SOMETHING is up. According to a message he sent to CNN Money, there have been negotiation issues over whether he is allowed to work outside of the show:

"In last four years, I've created and starred in a UK TV series and starred on London stage. Not stopping."

And according to showrunner Al Jean it's about money:

"[He was] offered the same deal as the rest of the cast, but turned it down."

And here's a tweet from him indicating that whatever happens with Shearer, things are business as usual on set (with voices potentially recast?):

.@thesimpsons#everysimpsonsever The show will go on, made by people who love it and see in it the most wonderful vehicle for satire ever.

— Al Jean (@AlJean) May 14, 2015

Who knows what goes on behind the scenes on one of the longest running animated series of all time? We probably won't know all the dirt until people write the tell-all books after its cancellation, in fifty years or so. Meanwhile, Simpsons fans have been pouring one out for Harry:

Thanks, Simpsons fans, for your support.

— Harry Shearer (@theharryshearer) May 14, 2015

Uh oh, someone taught this kid about critical thinking.

A mom and dad just emailed us this homework assignment they found in their 11-year-old son's backpack with the subject "11-year-old smartassery." Presumably, the kid was bringing it home to give it to his parents and see if they'd be persuaded to send him to the moon.

Keep sassing your elders, and I'm sure they'll find a way.

Gross pandering to audiences is expected during celebrity interviews, but Amy Schumer made it REALLY gross.

We're all used to the celebrity interview format on late night talk shows, especially when the celebrity is a woman. The host compliments her dress, her body, her face. The host is a man, duh. Even Tina Fey doesn't escape this inevitable evening wear pageant competition. Her last interview on Letterman was essentially dedicated to this trope, though she made it funny:

Hashtag done with societal expectations on what I wear. (screenshot via The Late Show with David Letterman)

This sketch takes what all that "YOU"RE HAWT" talk is about to its natural conclusion:

That ain't milk.(screenshot via Comedy Central)

Schumer's character is complicit in the ways she's sexualizing herself for fans, including exhibiting increasingly gold legs and pretending to be a tiny sexy baby wrapped in the Bill Hader's huge masculine jacket. But would she even get invited to a talk show if she didn't submit to the host's sexual advances and complaints about his nagging wife, Darflin?

At least she humbles herself for us by admitting she loves the most obscure, niche and embarrassing movie you could ever be into: Star Wars.

1.

I'm not sure there will be a next time.(via)

It used to be that your friends could only get on your nerves in person. Then Facebook came along and opened up new avenues for being a self-centered tactless jerk. These 15 people, however, take the cake. Here are the most oblivious, obdurate, obstreperous, and obnoxious Facebook offenders we could find.

2.

What will they look like when she gets more wrinkles?(via)

3.

It sounds like he's the lucky one.(via)

4.

He needs autocorrect on his mouth.(via)

5.

This is how gym teachers are created.(via)

6.

First time I've ever vomited reading a Facebook post.(via)

7.

I can't tell if this is obnoxious or helpful.(via)

8.

As long as they can both watch the Puppy Bowl, they're set.(via)

9.

Why is everyone winking? ;)(via)

10.

Speaking of being disgusted…(via)

11.

There should be a challenge to raise awareness of pedantic jerks.(via)

12.

Because the ALS ice bucket challenge is all about you.(via)

13.

The fact Harriet Tubman never had a selfie stick is just one of history's injustices.(via)

14.

If she stops poking you, then check the bracelet.(via)

15.

The worst part is, she's married to the Brawny guy.(via)

Monk is a smelly Siberian husky who is quite vocal about his opposition to getting in the shower.

If your dog is prone to childlike tantrums, it is imperative that you film it and share the video with the world. Let's all thank the owner of a Siberian husky named Monk for recording his adorably bratty dog tantrum. Monk's reaction to bath time rivals that of an extremely over-dramatic toddler.

As his owner tells Monk to get into the shower, Monk groans and cries and rolls around on the floor, acting exactly like a bad child. If you listen closely it sounds like Monk is saying "no" and "I don't want to." I know he's behaving terribly but he is just so cute! I can't stop watching this.

On the other hand, if your child is the one throwing a tantrum, your best bet is to lip sync to it.

The fast food chain recently updated their classic Hamburglar character to be more modern (...and hot), but his wife seems straight out of a 1960s take-my-wife-please stand-up act.

On McDonald's Twitter account, a new video shows the charming meat robber attempting to talk to America. But unacceptably, his wife keeps interrupting him! With chores!

McD's is after me (apparently, so is my wife)! Tweet #RobbleRobble to keep them off my trail.https://t.co/JBVThrmHir
— McDonald's (@McDonalds) May 12, 2015

You see, the Hamburglar's wife needs him to buy "candles" and "cake" and go to "the party store." Just classic woman stuff. And since she's being as intrusive as wanting to know where her husband is, he has to lie to her, of course.

Hint to wife: Your husband, the Hamburglar, is probably at McDonald's!

Sorry, ladies, he's married.

Hey, even people with children want to get an education. In fact, many, many, many people with children want and deserve an education, but childcare can be difficult and expensive to arrange alongside the difficulty and expense of school. In lecturer Sydney Engelberg's classroom, a few of these hurdles are crossed by the fact that women with children are welcome to bring their kids. That in itself is incredible, but this guy really went above and beyond the call of duty when he helped a stressed out mom.

According to his daughter Sarit Fishbaine, when that wee babe started crying, his mom got up to leave the room. Engelberg just grabbed that little guy, walking around with him as he continued lecturing and eventually he quieted down.

Um, you can give him back now.(photo by Sarit Fishbaine via BuzzFeed News)

Fishbaine posted the photo on Imgur and didn't expect it to get so much attention. She wrote to BuzzFeed News about her dad:

My dad just loves kids and loves babies, he has five grandchildren, so he just takes the baby...He's the one that's in motion, he's walking around the class. So he just takes the baby and continues teaching...This is what I call an excellent organizational behavior lesson! Dad, you're the best!

It's great to show a man taking responsibility for childcare and supporting his female students, even when it's not his kid. Now let's celebrate all the women raising children, and themselves, all over the world. Schools and businesses should be supporting free or subsidized childcare for their students and employees! Then teachers won't also have to be babysitters...even if they're really good at it.

Even the most jaded online daters can be thankful they've never gotten matched with someone as self-pitying as Google Plus.

In this new video from YouTuber Emma Blackery, she goes on first dates with Snapchat, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and aforementioned sad sack Googe Plus personified. And based on how it goes, I'm guessing there won't be any second dates.

This video does not make a great case for getting romantic with abstract technological entities. But honestly, there are definitely certain emoji I would get a drink with.