Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris acted like a couple throughout the Billboard Music Awards and everyone noticed.

One famous blond looks adoringly at another famous blond. (via Twitter)

We knew Taylor Swift was BFFs with Ed Sheeran, but after last night, it looks like Calvin Harris is the person she'll be writing her next album about. Swift and Harris did all the things celebrity couples do when they win stuff at awards ceremonies; kiss, hug, look into each other's eyes longingly even though they're literally inches apart. It was all very sweet.

We look sweet but we're about to take over the world.(via Twitter)

Calvin Harris, as you probably know, is an award-winning producer, and in the future he might end up producing little blond musical prodigy babies with Taylor Swift. I hope this happens soon and there is a reality show about it.

They're kissing! They're kissing! (via Twitter)

Do you need any more proof they'll soon be taking over the music industry and maybe the entire world?

Psst! We're awesome. (via Twitter)

I hope learning about these two lovebirds made you smile on this dreary Monday instead of contemplating your own loneliness.

After being accepted to all eight Ivy League universities, Ronald Nelson decided on somewhere less flashy and more practical.

Ronald Nelson is a high school senior from Germantown, Tennessee. He is class president, has near-perfect standardized test scores, is a National Merit Scholar, and performs saxophone at the state level. So it's not that surprising that he's racking up the acceptance letters. In fact, he was one of the very few people this year accepted to all eight Ivy League universities, not to mention other top schools like Stanford, Johns Hopkins, and NYU. What is surprising is the decision he made: he's going to The University of Alabama. Roll Tide.

It's certainly an unexpected choice. I questioned his judgment when I first heard it, but that's because there's something I was forgetting: Ronald Nelson is smarter than me. Once you hear his reasoning, it's the smartest possible call.

Nelson's middle-class family would have to stretch to afford the tuition for any of the Ivies. The cost of attending those schools has skyrocketed recently, and Nelson didn't want to become one of the millions of people being crushed by student-loan debt. All of the schools offered him financial assistance, but he crunched the numbers and realized it wasn't enough.

Ronald Nelson, knowing something you don't know.(via ABC News)

His family makes too much money to qualify for a need-based scholarship, and as a rule, none of the Ivy League schools offer merit-based ones. On the other hand, Alabama does. There, he will receive a full academic scholarship, as well as admission into their elite University Fellows Experience, a part of the Honors College. A visit to UA's Tuscaloosa campus to meet with other prospective Fellows sealed the deal for Nelson. He told Business Insider:

"It was kind of amazing being around so many like-minded students, which is why I think I'll be able to have a similar situation [to an Ivy League school], considering the type of students they're attracting."

After he graduates, Nelson plans to attend medical school. He figures that he'll pay for that with the money he's saving by going to Alabama for undergrad. And considering he may have saved as much as $200,000 with his decision, he'll be in good shape.

We'll be keeping a close eye on Ronald Nelson in the future. Speaking for myself, I definitely want him to be my doctor. He's clearly got the book smarts, but his common sense is truly rare.

That's where cats go, dummy.(via reddit)

"Just cattin' around here."(via reddit)

You're only fooling yourself.(via reddit)

Cats always land on their feet, bunnies always land.(via reddit)

Make yourself at home.(via reddit)

This wallaby is having an existential crisis.(via reddit)

One of these things is not like the other. (via reddit)

Let sleeping dogs lie about being cats.(via reddit)

Alright, that's pretty cute.(via reddit)

1. 'Mad Men' Finale Gets Unanimous Thumbs Up From Coca-Cola's Board of Directors (Probably)

AMC's groundbreaking period drama series, Mad Men—the story of one man's decade-long journey through life and love en route to creating the world's most iconic television commercial—drew to a close last night, leaving heartbroken fans thirsting for a show equally as cool and refreshing.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" -Pepsi, watching the Mad Men finale
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) May 18, 2015

2. Obama Taking Away Local Police's Ability To Defend Themselves Against Invading Armies

Barack Obama is announcing a ban against the federal government providing military-style assault rifles to local police departments. This sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. I can't imagine how a police officer is supposed to enforce jaywalking statutes without a semi-automatic Zastava M70AB2 rifle with a pistol grip in his hand.

BREAKING: Obama announces military invades Texas as part of Jade Helm exercises, rounding up all Tea Partiers and giving their guns to ISIS.
— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) May 8, 2015

3. Real Life Briefly Turns Into Episode Of 'Sons Of Anarchy'

Nine people are dead, 18 are injured and another 165 are behind bars after a massive brawl between three rival motorcycle gangs broke out in a Waco, Texas restaurant yesterday. Chains, knives and guns were all used as the melee spilled out into the parking lot and police became involved. The really sad part of all this is that it is likely to give the town of Waco a bad name in the public eye.

Everyone in my biker gang is really depressed today.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) May 18, 2015

4. Majority Of Republican Party Currently Running For President

Sen. Lindsey Graham just announced his intention to join the other 374 members of his party who are seeking the Republican nomination in 2016. "I'm running because of what you see on television," he explained to the press. "I'm running because I think the world is falling apart." That's silly. The final Mad Men episode wasn't that bad.

Sen. Lindsey Graham says he's running for president "because the world is falling apart." Graham 2016: We're All Going To Die.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) May 18, 2015

5. Louis CK Gives People Who Like To Be Offended Golden Opportunity To Be Offended

People across the country continue to debate whether or not a comedian should be able to go on television and tell the kinds of jokes that they personally do not like to hear. This time, it's because of Louis C.K.'s controversial monologue on Saturday Night Live, which touched upon issues of racism, child abuse and other topics that should never be spoken of in public, lest they become real.

Maybe Louis CK should try jokes that everyone can laugh at. Like how New York & L.A. are different or the poor quality of airline food
— Shelby Wright (@ClassicShelb) May 18, 2015

This is how you feel every Friday, except not at all because you can walk out at any point and he was kept in a tiny circus cage.

The Rancho dos Gnomos Ecological Sanctuary Society in Brazil currently hosts around 230 animals rescued from severely abusive situations (such as animal fighting rings, exotic pet smuggling, and circuses), and are often turned to by Brazilian law enforcement when they encounter such situations. One of those animals is this old circus lion, who spent 13 years in cramped captivity suffering abuse by his handlers. Until, that is, the day of this video. From the description:

This lion, after 13 years imprisoned in a tiny, fetid circus cage where he could barely move, got to Ranchos dos Gnomos and had the opportunity to touch the earth and grass for the first time. The video shows how [happy he] was at his first contact upon being released in his new home.

If you'd like to support Rancho dos Gnomos, visit their website.

Taylor Swift had a pretty dope weekend. Look at all the awards she won. Holy cow.

Armfuls of talent. (via Twitter)

Last night at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas, Taylor Swift won 8 awards, for a career total of 20 Billboard awards. She broke Garth Brooks's record of 19 wins, so now she's the top artist for the publication who tracks top artists. Wins on wins on wins.

Taylor Swift is sort of crushing it lately. Her bitchin' new video blurred the lines between music and cinema, she's got a new boyfriend, plus she's just a really good person.

Here are all the awards Swift won last night: Top Artist, Chart Achievement Award (Fan Voted), Top Female Artist, Top Album (1989), Top Billboard 200 Artist, Top Hot 100 Artist, Top Digital Songs Artist, Top Streaming Video (Shake It Off).

Yes it's amazing she won so many awards, but the whole ceremony is kind of redundant because we already know Taylor Swift is the best at everything.

Mother of God, why?

This is spider country.(photo via Sydney Morning Herald)

Next time you complain about overcast weather, just remember that the skies could be darkened by clouds and clouds of horrifying arachnids. Earlier this month "millions and millions" of baby spiders rained from the skies in southern New South Wales, Australia. Ian Watson, a man from the town of Goldbourn, posted a charmingly understated question on the town's Facebook page, "Anyone else experiencing millions of spiders falling from the sky right now?" He also claimed his house looked like it had been "abandoned and taken over by spiders," which means he probably should have abandoned it and let it be taken over by spiders. Don't be a hero, Ian!

The town of Wagga Wagga (which is a hilarious name for a place besieged by sheer terror) in 2012.(photo via Reuters)

The phenomenon is caused by baby spiders migrating via "ballooning" (like at the end of Charlotte's Web) and/or adult spiders tossing up some silk to escape rising flood waters. It is not caused by a vengeful God plaguing Australia for their oil-can-sized beers and incomprehensible slang.

They're so cute when there aren't millions of them.(via BuzzFeed)

If you would like to further terrify yourself, may I suggest some of these:

1. How about thousands of spiders pouring out of the ceiling and falling in clumps? No?
2. This is a horrifyingly good reason to never kill a spider.
3. OMG WTF UGH: 4-acre spiderweb blankets warehouse with millions of spiders in urban nightmare.
4. A spider burrowed into this guy's body and lived under his skin for three days.
5. A cyclist found a spider on his bike and went in for a closer look. He shouldn't have.
6. Terrifying Australian spider survives multiple toilet flushes.
7. The creepiest, most fascinating, and funniest spiders on the Web.

ChadMichael Morrisette received an unexpected Facebook apology from someone he hadn't seen since junior high.

ChadMichael Morrisette, bullying survivor.(ChadMichael Morrisette via Yahoo)

Many people who were bullied as children carry that experience with them the rest of their lives. They can move on and become successful and happy, but they'll always remember the way they felt in those terrible moments. Most bullying victims dread any reminder of their past, but for 34-year-old ChadMichael Morisette, it was a positive experience. One of his former bullies reappeared in his life not to torment him, but to offer him some closure.

Louie Amundson grew up with Morrisette in a small town in Alaska. He was one of a number of boys who would mercilessly bully Morrisette, following him through the hallways of their junior high school while shouting insults and threats at him. Morisette left the town when he was 15, and his life got better. These days, he is a successful brand consultant and visual designer in West Hollywood. He had put his troubled past in Alaska behind him, so he was surprised one morning when he woke up to this Facebook message from Amundson:

I probably would have assumed it was spam.(ChadMichael Morrisette via Yahoo)

Morrisette didn't remember Amundson specifically, but realized he must have been one of the football players who used to harass him. He told Yahoo Parenting: “It unlocked something in me I didn't realize I'd been holding onto. I cried a little bit. It was so moving." He wrote back a few days later:

That's much more mature than I would have been.(ChadMichael Morrisette via Yahoo)

Amundson wrote back right away:

*NOT the last. Autocorrect kills the moment as usual.(ChadMichael Morrisette via Yahoo)

Amundson told Yahoo Parenting that he didn't expect Morrisette to forgive him: “[I felt] humbled and ashamed and relieved all at once. I owed him that apology, he did not owe me his forgiveness. The fact that he was able to forgive me showed that I may have been the bigger kid, but he is the bigger man." I hope that's not a height joke. Don't slip back, Louie! You were doing so well.

Morrisette posted the exchange online in the hopes that it will inspire bullied children not to lose hope, and inspire bullies to change their ways: “For the ones that are bullied and are young, it does get better. It's hard to see that now. And it doesn't get better in a year or two, necessarily, but 20 years later you'll look back and realize, it is better."

He sums up his message this way: "It's never too late."

They call it a battle, but in my experience, anytime dicks and clits bump heads, everyone wins.

Ah, genitals. Will we ever get tired of talking about them, singing about them, or unconsciously designing our culture's monuments to look like them? No. Evolution and the continuation of our species (and all species) demand we be very genital-obsessed. It's how we all got here. That doesn't mean we can't argue about whose uglies are better to bump. I can't say I've ever seen it in rap-battle form before, but I love it. This is part of the "Cliteracy" series going on over at the Huffington post, which is being spearheaded by artist and writer Sophia Wallace. Here is Someecards writer Jake Currie modeling one of her best-known works:

#solidgoldclit #cliteracy #cliteratti
A photo posted by Jake Currie (@jakecurrie) on Jul 3, 2013 at 6:09pm PDT

As a dong-possessor, I obviously have a stake in this fight, but I respect the clit. Clit-boosters like to talk up the nerve ending surplus, and of course it's tempting to be jealous of that. Then again, making your dick too sensitive seems like a sure way to cut your sexy-time short. We'll never be able to compare, really (who am I kidding? That's like the only technology in Minority Report besides the pre-cogs that hasn't already come true), but you just can't beat the dick for ease of use. "Pssh," some woman is saying in my head, "give me five minutes with my Hitachi Magic Wand and I'll show you ease of use." Oh yeah, fantasy lady? Wait until civilization collapses and there's no more electricity and all your "massager" is good for is bashing in the skulls of your enemies. You'll be sexually frustrated, and I'll be sitting on a throne of skulls, masturbating.

The manager claimed this joke on a choking patron's bill was actually a joke meant for another elderly person.

This is a Denny's manager's idea of funny.(via Facebook)

A manager of a Denny's in Brooklyn Park, Minnesota is in trouble for being horribly not funny. An elderly patron of the restaurant came for an afternoon meal on Monday, May 11th. She had a small choking fit during her meal. In a post to Facebook, the customer's daughter explains that her mother has trouble swallowing on account of numerous surgeries performed on her esophagus. This meal at Denny's was her first solid meal in a long time.

When her bill came, the choking customer found a hand-written joke.

(via Facebook)

Here's the text in case you can't read it:

"As you all know my mom has had a few surgeries recently on her esophagus. She has trouble eating, swallowing and even keeping things down. She chokes when she eats and eating any meal is a process for her. To have a little normalcy in her day, she went to Denny's in Brooklyn Park, to try to eat on Monday afternoon. This is what the Manager, yes the Manager wrote on her bill!"

I'm not sure how this joke operates. Is Denny's selling her a LifeAlert button? Does Life Alert cost $15 to activate in a Denny's? Is this a very subtle viral marketing campaign? The questions only multiplied after Saba received an apology call from Bob Quigley, the manager who wrote the note on the bill.

Quigley attempted to explain the note away, saying it was the joke was actually aimed at a 60-year-old waitress who “could get hurt by running around so much." So, is he selling these on the side? Do working waitresses need a Life Alert button if they are busting their ass working at Denny's? Does Quigley just think emergency medical devices are inherently funny?

Saba's sister, Caroline Speikers, responded to this nonsense perfectly.

“Either he's mocking someone who is ill and disabled, or he's totally comfortable discriminating against someone's age. He has a sick and twisted sense of humor, and should not be allowed around customers."

Denny's has responded by formally writing the manager up and putting him through retraining, but won't fire him since he is a long-serving employee. Sounds like a page from the Catholic Church playbook. Let this be a lesson, up-and-coming comedians; if you're going to write offensive and confusing jokes during work hours, write them on Twitter like everyone else.

1.

Part 1: The Bruce Is Loose (as in gone).

A historic TV two-night event began last night on TV. The first part of event was called “About Bruce, Part 1," and the second part airing tonight will be called, you guessed it, “About Bruce, Part 2." It's really about who Bruce refers to as "Her," however, who still remains nameless to the prying masses.

“About Bruce" will morph modern culture: reality television, regular TV, sports, music, and whatever else the kids are up to these days. Though the special is two parts, Bruce will no longer be playing two parts (in Shakespeare, men play women, but on Kardashians, a woman has been playing a man). Now the eldest lady of the house, Jenner sat down with the family and explained why she had no option but to stop performing her beloved Bruce character after 10 seasons (and 65 years) of acting like it was NBD.

2.

We can't wait to see what those legs look will look like in a Kardashian Kollection dress.

3.

Bruce was inside us all along. But inside him was Her.

Perhaps the trans moment is something you never knew you wanted to be a part of, but now are. You're good. You got this. You're like Bruce Jenner when he threw that javelin. You can't stand there, silently hoping the javelin does a 180. It's a javelin, not a boomerang. If it did a 180, that would be bad for your body, which doesn't like being punctured by javelins. Don't argue with nature. Nature says time moves forward, and so do javelins, just like America's nature is to win! USA! USA! USA!

Or maybe this trans moment is something want to run away from, but do you really think you can outrun Olympic gold medal winner Bruce Jenner? You need to learn about Her. Not just whether or not she will be wearing the Kardashian Kollection (which she definitely will be at times because Kris Jenner has an empire to manage against all odds) or what color she paints her toenails. You need to learn what makes Her tick.

4.

It's hard to imagine those lips not being able to work, but Kylie certainly has an excuse.

5.

The Kardashian dog Norman is taking the news the hardest.

Once Her, Jenner will no longer be masquerading as the emasculated poorly-dressed dad with short pants, displaying his dad socks for the world to see. Bruce Jenner is the first character to be cut entirely from KUWTK in its 10-season run, but at least Jenner's replacing him with Her. Whatever else is cut or not cut is none of our biznatch.

6.

For once, Kris doubts her reality like the rest of us, except it's not as gratifying for viewers as one would have expected.

Part 2: You people.

We, as a group, are a hopeless, curious mass of perverts (I'm not wearing a bra and that interests you, whether you want it to or not) and always will be. What is important, is that we learn to keep questions like, “Where's your penis?" to ourselves when a trans person is bravely presenting themselves in their true form. Questions like that can break a person's trust, or at least make them be less forthcoming now that they've seen that side of you. The garbage side.

The Kardashians do milk things and encourage wild tabloid speculation, so it doesn't make you transphobic if you wondered over the past few years what the heck was going on with Bruce. But this is as real as Paris Hilton's jealously when she walked out of an interview when someone asked her about Kim taking over her spotlight. This is as real as the threat of nuclear war when Bruce Jenner took those Rooskies to task.

7.

You can talk to us, Bruce!

8.

No one likes it when the world is telling them their dad will be gone.

Last winter, this country (the one Bruce Jenner gave pride to during The Cold War) seemed to handle that Torture Report more easily than a paparazzi shot of a French manicure. French manicures, on any gender, are not a war crime, FYI. We have a lot of issues, you guys!

Most of “About Bruce, Part 1" could have mistaken for an ad for Kleenex. The beautiful robots that grace our screen every week were leaking from their ocular cavities nonstop.

9.

And people say that Kim has never had a job.

10.

Kris's tears.

Open up and say, "Awwwwwww..."

Guys! It's a two-year-old girl giving a medical exam to a an extremely docile bull terrier! How is this not on the front page of the New York Times? I realize that there are biker brawls, incidents of international terrorism and presidential primaries to deal with, but come on! Surely they could have made room for a little girl playing with her pet! It doesn't have to be at the top of the page. Somewhere below the fold is fine.

I mean, did the New York Times editorial staff into make it to the part where the toddler puts her stethoscope up to her patient's chest and the dog looks off into the distance with a countenance of utter serenity and acceptance? They must not have, because if they did, I'm pretty sure this would have knocked "Fall of Ramadi to ISIS Highlights Iraqi Premier's Weakening Authority" onto page two.

You see? This is why traditional journalism is dying.

Woman makes tragic mistake of trying to enjoy baseball in Philadelphia.

Wow what a classy @Phillies fan. Someone get that lady a ball. #jerkpic.twitter.com/238MO4SbdQ
— Tara Ulrich (@Taraulrich1) May 17, 2015

It's an undeniable fact that Philadelphia sports fans are the worst fans (across all sports) in any country. This is the town that booed Santa Claus and pelted him with ice balls, after all. They are also fond of hurling batteries at people they don't like, such as pitcher J.D. Drew in 1999 or the Phillies' only African American player Dick Allen throughout the 1960s. However, Philly fans keep pioneering new techniques in the asshole sciences.

During the Phillies-Diamondbacks game at Citizens Bank Park, Philly rookie Maikal Franco hit his first home run, which lands just out of reach of an older fan. As she reaches, a cheesesteak-fed lummox muscles her aside and wordlessly walks away like he's browsing merchandise at a Modell's. It's so rude, the FOX Sports announcers from Arizona can't help but talk about it.

A little later in the game, a representative of FOX Sports Arizona and the Arizona Diamondbacks tries to offer the fan a small apology for living in a city of ball-stealing sports-monsters.

And then this happened. Way to go @Dbacks and @FOXSPORTSAZpic.twitter.com/H13t0OWZwa
— Tara Ulrich (@Taraulrich1) May 17, 2015

A free t-shirt isn't a homerun ball by any means, but what could have been a ruined day at Citizens Bank Park is made a little nicer by some imported goodwill from Arizona
.

Vladimir Putin scored eight actual*, real*, not-fake* goals* in an exhibition hockey game against former NHL players**.

Vladimir Putin: Russian President. Tiger tranquilizer. Dildo model. And now, he's also a guy who's scored eight goals in a hockey game with former NHL players.

Even though Putin has admitted to staging publicity stunts in the past, I do think the guy has legitimate athletic skills, as well as the testicular fortitude to at least net him a role in the next Expendables film. (For that matter, was he in the last Expendables film? I stopped never started paying attention to that franchise.) But while he's obviously not a dunce on the ice, surely scoring 8 of his (winning) team's 18 goals means there has to be at least some element of "let Putin win," right? I mean, playing hockey with Putin must be like playing Monopoly with a cranky four-year-old, if that four-year-old could throw you in jail because you landed on Park Place before he did. Even if you know you can beat him, you gotta let him win.

Here's the full game, if you like hockey and/or Putin enough to watch it:

*almost definitely fake.
**players who were almost definitely paid to throw the game.