Roundhouse kick bad breath right in the face.

An ungenerous person might say that Jean-Claude Van Damme's filmography is mostly a bunch of bad movies. I prefer to say that his films have a somewhat particular sensibility. The acting is stilted, the narratives are both improbable and simplistic, and there's usually a vague foreignness around the edges of the screen, even if the action is ostensibly supposed to take place in the United States (see Hard Target). In other words, they're all kind of 90-minute Mentos commercials.

For reference:

Now, compare that ad from the early '90s with this exhilarating chase scene from 1988's Bloodsport:

What I'm essentially trying to say here is that Mentos ripped off Jean-Claude Van Damme, and he probably should sue them.

This is a great way to get Tyrion killed, Dinklage.

Spoiler alert: Peter Dinklage is still, as of this week, employed by HBO to play Tyrion Lannister on their hit show Game of Thrones. How long that will continue is anyone's guess (at this point, mostly a cock merchant's guess*), but that doesn't mean the award-winning actor isn't willing to rub it in everyone's faces that neither George R.R. Martin's pen nor HBO's plot streamlining has killed him yet.

*watch the show.

Now the voices are outside her head, too.(via ThinkStock)

The list of the least and most stressful jobs of 2015 is in, and just in time for college grads to make an informed choice about what career path to choose (jk, it's bleak out there and you'll have to take what you can get).

The least stressful job of 2015 is hairstylist. Those people just breeze through life snipping away at split ends without a goddamn care in the world. It's a safe gig, because we keep making more people and they keep making more hair.

Cut hair, don't care.(via ThinkStock)

Some surprises in the "least stressful" category were medical records technician and medical laboratory technician. If I had a job where a clerical error could cause someone to die, I'd be a little stressed out about it.

"I should have labeled these lol." (via ThinkStock)

But not as stressed as a firefighter, which is the most stressful job of 2015. It makes a lot of sense because fighting fire is the complete opposite of styling hair (you use an axe instead of scissors, much more water is involved, also much more fire, etc.).

"The good news is that your cat is out of the tree..."(via ThinkStock)

The one theme in almost all of the "most stressful" jobs is having your life at risk as part of the work (police officer, army general, and enlisted personnel). It's safe to say that if your job involves a non-zero percent chance that you're not going to make it to happy hour, you may have a permanent case of the Mondays.

One surprise in the "most stressful" category is photojournalist. It seems pretty low stress to hang back and snap pictures of press conferences or whatever, but a lot of them work in war-torn hellscapes that make Mad Max look like Road Trip. (Also, those SD cards are easy to lose.)

"Oh good, the lion is so close I don't have to use my telephoto lens."(via ThinkStock)

Another of the most stressful jobs is "newspaper reporter," and if you're wondering why, look no further than this recent brutally honest ad for a reporter in Oregon:

Hope they don't expect résumés to be equally honest.(via Romanesko)

Good luck, class of 2015!

Stars: they AREN'T just like us, unless you also use Twitter to call people who believe in climate change "unpatriotic racists."

Famous actors make enough money to afford a lot of ridiculous things: infinity pools full of cold-pressed juice, Teslas for their purebred dogs, and the ability to live their lives wildly disconnected from reality. That disconnection from reality wouldn't be so bad, except that with Twitter, famous folks now have an immediate way to put every crazy, weird, or controversial thought they have out into the world. This great new video from College Humor shows what it'd be like if actors who write wackadoo shit on Twitter actually said those things in their films or on TV, while remaining in their most iconic characters.

Vietnamese teachers and parents who are at least as dumb as I am have been totally overwhelmed by this math problem for third graders.

I'd like to buy a vowel. (via)

8-year-old students in the town of Bao Loc, Vietnam, were given the above math problem, which has stumped teachers and parents alike. It even stumped me, and I know my times table all the way up to 6.

The solution requires only basic arithmetic and involves placing digits 1 through 9 in each blank space so that the puzzle solves for 66, which seems simple. But it's actually really hard and scary, and the more I think about it, the happier I am that I'm allowed to google math problems.

Teacher Tran Phuong told VN Express (translation viaThe Guardian): "I sent the problem for some people, including a doctorate in economics with mathematics, but they have not given the answer." Even a doctorate in economics with mathematics has not given the answer? Then why am I even trying?! I'm a humanities person who lacks a basic understanding of economics.

Here's what I came up with, but I'm not sure if it's correct:

The actress explained the encounter during an appearance on 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show.'

In the last five years, Melissa McCarthy has gone from a relative unknown to one of the busiest movie stars in the world. Considering the biases that still exists in Hollywood, it's no small feat for a 44-year-old woman to play the lead role in a major film, and she has in several. Her new movie Spy comes out in just a few weeks, and McCarthy went on Ellen to promote it, but also took a moment to address an incident that made the news last September.

The actress was confronted at the Toronto International Film Festival by a critic who had written a scathing review of her film Tammy. Specifically, this person had taken potshots at McCarthy's appearance in the movie, saying that her husband shouldn't direct her in movies, because he allowed her to look too unattractive. When they came face-to-face, McCarthy confronted him, saying, "Just know that every time you write stuff, every young girl in this country reads that and they just get a little bit chipped away." They discussed the critic's daughter, and how he would feel if someone told her what he had told McCarthy. In the end, the two found common ground and parted without ill will.

The double standard McCarthy faces is one that's bad for both women and comedy. Part of her success comes from the fact that she is willing to portray schlubby characters with poor grooming, no social skills, and serious self-esteem issues. This is a skill that male comedic actors are revered for, but female actors who master it are criticized and mocked as though it's not a character at all. Meanwhile, Hollywood studios claim that women can't carry those types of comedies, just because they're rarely allowed to even try.

With the success she's found, McCarthy has done as much as any other person to fight that bias, but sometimes leading by example isn't enough. That's why it's great to see her using her celebrity status to make a clear and impassioned point about the issue. Let's hope lots of young girls watched and were inspired to grow up and play funny weirdos too.

"This is a very long job ad because this is an extremely high concept show..."

"Clark Kent/Superman is also Aragorn in Lord of the Rings."(via Thinkstock)

Are you looking for a new job? Are you a comic book geek as well as a reality show freak? Are you used to working with people suffering from nervous mania and/or cocaine addiction? Then we have the job for you!

A producer in New York needs an assistant for a reality show he only describes as "Real Superman Show," and asks that interested parties first read the entire post before contacting him.

If you're interested I ask you to please read this very long full show description: this is a very high concept reality show and I need someone who gets what I'm working on here and not someone who just shows up and ends up being in over their head because they didn't read the concept and didn't understand what this is all about.

This job post is very long by average Craigslist standards, topping out at 5,512 words! That's longer than your average college essay. To sum up the idea of "Real Superman Show" as best as possible, celebrities are the real-life versions of comic book characters.

Like for example, I believe that the real Lex Luthor is Rupert Murdoch while the real LexCorps is News Corps and so in the show Rupert Murdoch is just Lex Luthor and News Corps is LexCorps.

And then like the real Lois Lane is Ashley Arenson while the real Lana Lang is Gillian Zinser from Beverly Hills 90210, while the real Bruce Wayne is Kanye West, the real Vicki Vale is Kim Kardashian, and the real Alfred Pennyworth is actually Kris Jenner because sometimes in fictional comics a woman may be portrayed as a man so while Bruce Wayne is a white billionaire and Alfred is his butler in the comic, in the real life DC Universe Bruce Wayne is Kanye West, a black superstar rapper, and Alfred is actually his mother-in-law Kris Jenner.

It's not a perfect system, but it is a system! The producer goes on to arbitrarily identify different celebrities as the real-life versions of comic book characters, but then throws in a little Ayn Rand for spice.

And sometimes characters are more than one person because they have multiple mythic portrayals, so with Ivanka Trump who is Volcana in Superman she's also the main character of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged because Ivanka Trump is actually the real Dagny Taggart, so if you have someone who's a major figure like Ivanka who's Volcana they will often have more than one mythic form and in Ivanka's case she's both Volcana in Superman and also the main character of Atlas Shrugged as Dagny Taggart and The Trump Organization is actually the real Taggart Transcontinental.

By now, you might be seriously considering not applying to work for a compulsive typist with horrid taste, but then he drops a bombshell on us.

Now it's important for my personal assistant to understand who I am that I am able to figure this stuff out and do this: I actually developed the ability to figure out who the real characters are in real life after I made the discovery that I myself am a real version of a fictional character and that's that I am actually the real Harry Potter.

Now you're interested again after hearing the boy wizard himself is in charge.

There is a lot of text to sift through, and a lot of it is the same pop-culture remix nonsense the Internet is famous for giving to the world. The producer identifies scores of real-life counterparts to fictional people and places. This could be a man in severe schizophrenic distress, or he could be a coke fiend with great typing skills. I'm skeptical to call the post a fake and a work of fiction because it goes on way longer than it has to, which turns the mood from hilarious to disturbing the more you read.

Bottom line, you probably have a better boss than this guy.

Last of course is that this job ad in its overall length and complexity is basically a precursor to the level of complexity and length of material that you'll be taking in on a regular basis.

I sometimes just quickly write movie pitches that are 200 pages long so I just need an assistant who isn't overwhelmed by 200 page movie pitches.

I might just write a synopsis for a story arc that I don't have time to edit or spell check that may just be 150 pages so I just need someone who can just you know take a 150 page synopsis email and digest it without me having to edit it because I don't have time for that.

I honestly do tend to write like 30 page long emails on a regular basis.

This job ad is just me writing a rough job ad quickly in the way that I operate, it's meant that to know if you're right for this job you would have to be someone who can read this job ad and be like, "Oh cool, this sounds like a really fun cool project," and not feel like, "OH MY GOD, this is the most overwhelming and insane thing ever!"

It's not insane to me, it's just normal and regular.

Weddings are full of magical moments like getting to drink free booze, and traumatizing ones, like having to wait to drink free booze. Let's get this party started... But first some public speaking! (Do eye rolls burn calories?)

1. The Girl Who Makes It All About Her

(via Thinkstock)

It's not her special day, or is it? Did you know if she had been even remotely interested in the groom, or hadn't introduced the couple, or didn't just have her own more glamorous wedding a month ago, none of us would be gathered here today? This narcissist is the reason someone had to make a rule that other people can't wear white at a wedding. She's barely able to conceal her rage at the Bride for upstaging her.

"Everyone's all, 'Christy, how do you manage to look so beautiful after all the work you've put into this wedding?' It's easy for me to be selfless. I just I want her day, to be the best day of my life."

2. The "Comedian"

(via Thinkstock)

To the delight of Aunts everywhere, the comedian is a popular choice for toast master. Make no mistake, he's been studying YouTube clips, memorizing movie quotes, and prepping for this moment since before the proposal. The comedian can usually be spotted pre-toast having a secret pow-wow with the DJ and/or holding an oversized bag of some sort. "Oh boy, props," said no one ever.

*Puts on backwards cap and beatboxes*
"Yo my name is Trevor, and I'm here today, My boy Nate's getting married, and you said, 'No way!' His girl is Sarah, and she pretty as heck, they invited all of us, to give 'em cash or a check!"
*Drops Microphone*

3. The Generic

(via Thinkstock)

Everyone raise a glass to the least creative person in the room. Webster's dictionary defines him as human Ambien. After printing a toast directly from Google, he doesn't even bother to fill in the names of his best friends. What he lacks in creativity, he makes up for in length. Love is patient, love is kind, love is shutting the hell up so people can have some chicken or fish! This toast makes War and Peace look like a tweet! This toast is so long, the ring bearer just hit puberty! Kim Kardashian's first wedding lasted longer than this toast! (Which by the way, would all be hilarious quips for "the comedian" to whisper to his teenage cousin.)

"Today/Tonight, we are all here to honor Bride and Groom. As the groom's best friend/brother/cousin, I feel honored to be standing here on such a wonderful day/night. Hold for applause." (Page 1, of 6)

4. The Sob Sister

(via Thinkstock)

Prepare yourself for the most heart wrenching eulogy, I mean wedding toast, of your life. This toast is like if a Lifetime movie was trying on jeans...while it had PMS. The Sob Sister is the walking, slobbering definition of ugly cry. She'll blubber something about how beautiful everything is, all the while her mascara's running, her nose is dripping, and her face is distorted like a Barbie doll that's been put in the microwave. Relax. Katie's getting married, not being sold into slavery. (Not literally anyway.)

"I just wanna say wahwahwah Katie wahwahwahwah like so much wahwahwahwahwah forever wahwahwahwahwah"

5. The Sh*t Starter

(via Thinkstock)

Cousin of the Comedian, the Sh*t Starter's usually had about 7 drinks too many—so the filter's not only off, it's been left in a ditch for dead. His jokes are vicious, dirty personal attacks, with the specific goal of making people uncomfortable. Kids, grandparents, and clergy are all sure to be delighted with his liberal use of F- bombs and casual references to fetish porn. When the "jokes" inevitably bomb, be on the look out for "The Sh*t Starter" to transition into "The But Seriously Guy."

"Tommy will definitely cheat on Amy again like he did when he banged that elderly waitress at Denny's. (crickets) Come on, Tom, you remember Pearl! (Awkward silence) BUT SERIOUSLY these two are made for each other! Give it up for Amy and Tom (applause.)"

As you raise a glass to the bride and groom, raise one to the toaster as well. They've earned it. Public speaking is a fear even bigger than death, even bigger than getting married.

The holy trinity was the original three-peat.(photo via Jake Weisman)

Comedian Jake Weisman recently came across his five-year-old self's musings about God and basketball and posted them on Instagram, raising a number of excellent questions. Would God be a solid team player or an almighty ball hog (as the first commandment suggests)? Would God play if He had the flu? Would He point to the sky after draining a three-pointer and thank Himself after the game? Can God even foul? Is the New Testament evidence that he can make a comeback after the half?

These questions are for wiser minds than mine to answer, and Jake is right when he says we'll never really know.

Follow adult Jake Weisman on Twitter and Instagram and check out his hilarious sketch group WOMEN for more thoughts on The Almighty. You won't regret it.

Adopting a shelter dog is a really wonderful life experience that you can brag about to everyone you know.

Hey, did you get your dog from a shelter? Does it have special needs? Let me be the first to congratulate you for doing such a good thing. Oh, wait, I can't be the first to congratulate you BECAUSE YOU'VE ALREADY CONGRATULATED YOURSELF SO MANY TIMES.

Just like Amy Schumer's doing in this sketch, I'm not ragging on people who adopt shelter pets. That's a great thing to do! But all the bragging about what a martyr you are for taking in a critter has to stop, guys. You don't see me bragging about my shelter cat here (although maybe I would if I had the balls to adopt this beautiful blue-eyed cat that explodes diarrhea around your house if you don't feed it raw lamb).

Throwin' shade at skin cancer.

The best way to get someone change their bad habits is by encouraging them to indulge in other bad habits instead (that's why AA meetings are usually shrouded in a thick haze of cigarette smoke). So to prevent people from basking in the cancer-giving rays of our own benevolent sun, Happiness Brussels partnered with the Peruvian League Against Cancer to provide an alternative.

These monolithic "Shadow WiFi" structures provide internet access to beachgoers, but only when they're hiding from the UV Rays of the sun in the structure's shadow. It's a pretty ingenious way to get sun worshippers to bow down at the altar of the smartphone instead, and it might even put a dent in the incidence of cancer. At least until we discover we're being slowly cooked from the inside out by wireless internet signals, but that'll be our kids' problem! (I mean, it would be if we weren't all being steadily sterilized by the electromagnetic radiation from the cell phones nestled genital-adjacent in our pockets. You can't win!)

Abandon all hope of ever finding the human body sexy again, ye who enter here.

All the excitement of novelty 1970s platform shoes, with none of the class.
(via BikiniDisasters.com)

Humans. Deep down, they really want to be naked, but even deeper down, they are terrified of being naked. Even deeper down then that, they just want everyone to look at them even if the attention is negative. Humans have issues. Those issues are on full display in this list, as the conflicting desires to be naked, not be naked, and attract attention even at the cost of making everyone hate them come together to form the ugliest goddamn bathing suits we've ever seen. Nudity would be classier, and an Amish frock would be sexier. Don't do this.

You've seen the Apple Watch, now witness the Apple This-Is-Why-We-Started-The-Neighborhood-Watch. (via Pinterest)

It's like a ghost is trying to save us from seeing her boobs.(via Heavy.com)

"If anyone else tries to float in my pool I shall tear them to shreds." (via Oddee)

You have ruined ducks and boobs for me and it shant be forgiven. (via BikiniDisasters.com)

Possibly a malfunction, but at least they don't have to worry about being tailgated.
(via Hollywood Life)

If CDs weren't already dead, this would be the point at which they commit suicide.
(via Pinterest)

Our only consolation is that this somehow sold out. (via BlackMilkClothing)

Business in the front, open for business in the back. (via PacificJock)

It's like a Vera Bradley bag came to life and was also an idiot.
(via TheOrchidBoutique)

Heads up: This next one is pretty much just a dick. Sure, there's something on the dick, but this next one is NSFW. I'm going to say that again: there is a dick-sock rapidly approaching your eyeballs. You have been warned.

Ok you've had plenty of chances to click away.

I don't see what else you could have expected. It's a dick sock. (via Fierth)

Honorable Mention: Body Hair Bikini

Well, after that last one, this guy is practically oozing class. (via BikiniDisasters.com)

I'm sure this is just one in long line of mashups with the 'Kimmy Schmidt' theme and some other "strong as hell" lady, but it sure is enjoyable.

The creation of this video mashing together clips of Furiosa and the other gals from Mad Max: Fury Road and the open credits of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt was inevitable. How inevitable? Well, here's a list of things it was more inevitable than:

• Former teen stars overdoing it on tattoos (cough, cough, Bieber).
• Mulder and Scully kissing (which I still think was a mistake, and I TRIED to tell Chris Carter that, but he never answered any of my MANY letters).
• Punk teenagers becoming Baby Bjorn-wearing, Audi-driving adults.
• Men's Rights Activists getting upset about this mashup like they did with Mad Max.
• This song:
  

See? 100% inevitable.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Action man. Governator. And now, your personal guide in blowing the goddamn hell out of anything.

As a kid, did you ever wish that you could have your own personal action hero? A Schwarzenegger of your very own who could beat up your bullies and pull you onto helicopters choppers to make daring escapes from gym class? Well, as you probably learned through several painful years of schooling, nobody is going to come save you from the sea of annoyances and tormentors known as your classmates. But now that you're an adult, you do have the opportunity to work out your residual grudges through good ol' fashioned violence by blowing things up with the Commando himself, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The video above was made to promote a fundraising campaign Arnold is doing with Omaze to benefit After-School All-Stars. If you donate, you have a chance to win a full day's worth of blowing things up with the man, the myth, the guy-who-has-done-more-with-his-life-already-than-you-probably-ever-will. But whether you donate or not, we are all winners, because we all get to watch this badass, funny video of Arnold blowing stuff up.