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I'm worried you're planning on drinking less this Friday due to the short workweek.


I don't need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.

We are not entertained.

I'm glad our relationship is solid enough that we can spend our time criticizing everyone else's.

May your favorite football team's victory not contribute to your fantasy team's loss.

Thanks for the invitation to watch you watch football.

My fantasy job is to work with people who don't incessantly talk about fantasy football at work.

It's been far too long since you, me, and a bottle of wine hung out together.


Here's to it finally being even colder outside than it is in the office.

I want an Indian Summer in the least racist way possible.

I'm impressed by your weather-resistant dedication to always showing an inappropriate amount of cleavage.

Wine time.

If you drink enough tonight, you won't have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.

Congratulations on the nose job you're about to insist you didn't have.

Poor Miley.


Sorry Mrs. Perfect's little angel got head lice.

May this be the iPhone upgrade that makes your life bearable.

Here's hoping the iPhone 5S totally revolutionizes the way I ignore human beings.

I'm glad there will be an iPhone that's affordable to the sweatshop workers who make iPhones.

Just a heads up that we aren't going into that war you heard about in between twerking videos.

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