Things I learned today: first, Neville Longbottom (aka real-world muggle Matthew Lewis) is on the cover of Attitude magazine. Second, "Attitude" is British slang for "body hair."

That shirt is definitely being put back on in this shot. Matthew Lewis is done here.
(via Attitude)

Actually, Attitude is a gay lifestyle magazine in Britain, not slang for sexy furriness, but you'd be forgiven for thinking that if all you saw was this spread of Matthew Lewis in his tighty-whiteys (he still has a cardigan on, of course. He's still British).

"If you noticed I'm wearing a toggle-hook cardigan, this is not the magazine for you."
(via Attitude)

The pictures have been tearing up the Internet and reviving lots of Millennials' teenage fantasies (by the final film, fans had already noticed that Lewis did a good job growing into his once-silly face). One non-Millennial who saw them, however, was the Creator herself, J.K. Rowling.

I also learned that J.K. Rowling has seen Daniel Radcliffe's wand.

.@Mattdavelewis Not as bad as watching Dan in Equus, but close. Warn me next time, for God's sake. https://t.co/r8EUd1GKqT
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) May 21, 2015

Equus, in case you're totally uncultured, is a famous modern play where you get to see a dick. Horses are also involved, but they're blind so they don't get to see the dick. Anyway, after Harry Potter, Danny Radcliffe did the play and I guess J.K. Rowling went to go see it and was probably like "That's not how Harry's dick was in the books." Anyway, even though Matthew Lewis is 25, he was still bashful to have this mother-figure in his life gawking at his straining pair of briefs.

Well, this is awkward. Sorry, Jo… https://t.co/ASSy3vo4d3
— Matthew Lewis (@Mattdavelewis) May 21, 2015

But, J.K. recovers and takes it in stride. Obviously, Dumbledore would approve of her accepting attitude (the only thing she doesn't approve of is strong women settling for the wrong guy).

.@Mattdavelewis I will always support you whatever you want to do, Matthew. Now go put some clothes on.
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) May 21, 2015

Good work everyone. Pop culture moment achieved.

See also: If you insult J.K. Rowling on Twitter, prepare to get eloquently burned.

Hollywood says she's too old to play a 55-year-old man's lover. 55-year-olds respond, "Don't put words in our mouths."

Maggie Gyllenhaal. Just too damn old for a man 18 years her senior.(via Getty)

Maggie Gyllenhaal is a very talented actress who already has an impressive film career at the relatively young age of 37. However, she was turned down for a role playing the love interest of a 55-year-old man because she was "too old." What?

Gyllenhaal recently spoke with The Wrap Magazine about this instance of the gross sexism that still flows through Hollywood like the sludgy Los Angeles River.

“There are things that are really disappointing about being an actress in Hollywood that surprise me all the time. I'm 37 and I was told recently I was too old to play the lover of a man who was 55. It was astonishing to me. It made me feel bad, and then it made me feel angry, and then it made me laugh."

I guess you have to laugh to keep your head from exploding.

Gyllenhaal's story of Hollywood sexism is one of many that has popped up in the news recently, but it's also one of the most baffling. Making it about her age is basically saying that all 37-year-olds are too old to be attractive. Not that she is too old to play the character, or that her talent as an actor doesn't bring life to the character, but that she herself as a person is just on the wrong side of 30. Why would you even say something like that out loud, unless you were some Hollywood under-executive trying to hide every possible sign of aging?

Gyllenhaal, however, keeps a positive outlook about the future.

“A lot of actresses are doing incredible work right now, playing real women, complicated women. ... I don't feel despairing at all. And I'm more looking with hope for something fascinating."

Sometimes life can seem really dumb. But then you see an old lady dancing to a beatboxer on the street in Brussels, and you remember that everything is going to be just fine.

This lady has everything I want in life: a sunny day, a steadfast animal companion, and the joyful, don't-give-a-fuck attitude to break it down in the streets of Brussels. If people could be spirit animals, I would want her to be mine. She just so damn happy.

Join me on a little mental exercise for a second. Imagine that there was one of this lady for every 50 people who exist. So every fiftieth person you see in your day, whether you're at work or at the mall or doing jury duty or whatever, is this really happy lady busting all the moves. Picture her in a jail cell. Picture her in a cancer research lab. Picture her in a Ford factory, dancing while she also monitors the machine that puts the doors on Fiestas. Don't all of these places suddenly seem more joyful, more wonderful, more saturated with color? I don't want to get too deep on you, but just think of how much better life could be if we brought this sort of super-present joy to our lives for just a few minutes a day.

It'd be a few minutes better at least, right?

Finally, the authorities SOMEWHERE have paid attention to our many, many, many, many, many, many requests to alert citizens about the dangers of Nickelback.

Every member of Nickelback looks like he could be Seth MacFarlane's cousin.
(via Getty Images)

Whether you are totally over Nickelback hate or still shaking your fist on the "these guys suck" train like it's 2005, it's still funny when a police department has the humanity to step back from crime fighting for a moment and publicly decree that a band sucks. Nickelback is playing a series of concerts in Australia right now, and in advance of those, the Queensland Police Service posted this on Facebook:

But hey, don't worry that the police are too hip — they're still using the phrase "street cred." At this rate, I'm guessing they'll discover Skrillex sometime in 2017 and have their MINDS BLOWN.

'Screen Junkies' host Nick Mundy has interviewed The Rock several times, but this time, The Rock had a question: "Do you take Dilara to be your wife?"

Every little girl dreams of having The Scorpion King tower over her on her wedding day.
(via YouTube)

Nick Mundy is one of the hosts of Screen Junkies, and over the course of several interviews with The Rock, the two men have developed what several people insist on calling a "bromance," aka a "man-2-man friendship" aka "a friendship." Recently, Nick thought he was supposed to interview The Rock again, only to be disappointed when he was told that the interview would be canceled. But that was all a RUSE (note: the word "RUSE" must be typed in all capital letters to imply the tone of a 1920s villain), because The Rock was in on a plan to surprise-marry Nick and his fiancé, Dilara.

What follows is a touching, funny, awesome wedding video where two people who are obviously in love get married by The Rock, with one of them wearing American flag pants.

JK Keller has been taking a self-portrait a day since 'Tearin' Up My Heart' by NSYNC was at the top of MTV's 'Total Request Live.'

The first two major viral photo-a-day projects came out in 2006 (ironically, within 3 weeks of each other), although one became so iconic it is now the template for all pic-a-day parodies (see it and the surprisingly touching Simpsons version below). JK Keller was already almost 8 years deep into his project at that point. This is pretty mind-blowing. The word "selfie" had yet to plague the English language. The concept of a self-portrait a day only existed among snooty art students, and certainly hadn't been tested on a mass audience. Yet this guy was already doing it before it was trendy (as were the very first people to do it, obviously).

The first mega-viral photo-a-day video:

Not only that, but he didn't upload whatever he had on hand in 2006 when Noah's clip first went viral. From a purely greedy perspective, maybe that was a mistake. His confusing title on YouTube seems to imply that he's aware of this drawback, but also the possible benefit: "Idiot takes 16 yrs of daily self-portraits despite better, longer, more popular projects, his face" (sic). It cuts off there. He seems to know that maybe this would have been bigger 7 years ago. But then again, his face actually ages a lot compared to those other videos, and that makes this a unique Internet artifact.

More reasons to skip the gym today.

Vogue Russia

A lot of women like the skinny dude look, but Adam Levine took it too far when he cut himself in half!

Not only does Photoshop create unrealistic standards of beauty that none of us can ever hope to meet (not even the models themselves) it also creates nightmare images you will never be able to forget. The human body wasn't meant to be warped, stretched, smoothed, chopped up and rearranged. Not even images of the human body deserve that. If you truly love fashion, and are flipping through the pages of Vogue for something to aspire to, you still probably don't want to look like you've been maimed. Here's a bunch of Photoshop FAILS that will make you appreciate the body you've got, flaws and all.

GQ Mexico

"It's a bit nippy in here, just not on my actual breasts."

NBC

"Here's the pitch: Kate Walsh plays a Bad Judge, struggling to support herself on a much smaller woman's legs."

Playboy

Oh no, someone stole your belly button!

PSDisasters

I think we've cracked the case...

Loft.com

What a waist.

Diesel

Or maybe putting an arm across your belly is a natural slimming illusion for the top third of your torso?

Ralph Lauren

Because everyone wants a God-given itty bitty waistline, just like this elegantly slender model on the left. Nothing uncanny valley-ish about her at all.

Vogue

Claire Danes is so in love she's fading away, starting with her right leg.

There's actually a leg loss epidemic:

Stuff

H&M

Hongkiat

And creeper hands sneaking in all over the place:

Hongkiat

Hongkiat

Hongkiat

Of course, Beyoncé gets a whole arm.

Then there's just the generally terrifying:

Hongkiat

"My jaw fell off from laughing so hard."

Hongkiat

Surprise, you're haunted!

Vogue

Gwyneth Paltrow "simplifies everything," but how her face connects to her neck seems hopelessly complicated.

Hongkiat

Well, hey, this lady looks almost normal. It's her bathing suit that's making all of our bathing suits feel like they'll never measure up.

1.

Sure, but what if you need to grab a beer?(via)

As we type this from the chilly confines of the Someecards Company Meat Locker, we understand that things might be a little less comfortable wherever you are in this sweltering human oven we call a planet. So here are 18 dangerously jury-rigged methods of beating the heat to make you a little more thankful for comparatively less-crappy air conditioning. Check them out before your laptop screen melts before your eyes.

2.

Just throw the whole thing in the freezer when they melt.(via)

3.

Trashy but practical.(via)

4.

If this is here, what's cooling off your home?(via)

5.

Oh, I see.(via)

6.

Their crime was trying to break the laws of thermodynamics.(via)

7.

Sweet relief.(via)

8.

How to make a bowl of warm water.(via)

9.

I'm your smallest fan.(via)

10.

Drink your own pool. (via)

11.

The house comes with a moving-above-ground pool. (via)

12.

Why build a pool with a tractor when your tractor is already a pool?(via)

13.

They didn't have to use different colors, but they wanted it to look nice.(via)

14.

Warm beer is for the dogs.(via)

15.

Not the most aerodynamic car, but it doubles as a boat.(via)

16.

Yes, you want to bring all the hot air down from the ceiling...or something. (via)

17.

The glass of wine makes it feel like you're at a spa. (via)

18.

Probably more efficient to just drink the water, right? (via)

The eternal debate.(stock photos)

There's nothing cuter than a dog acting like a person. Then again, there's nothing creepier than a person acting like a dog. When these two elemental forces go head-to-head, who comes out on top? Only YOU can decide, person who regrets clicking on this!

1. This dog that says "I love you" like a person.

vs.

This psychotic guy who barks like a dog.

2. This dog that sleeps in his owner's bed.

vs.

This person who sleeps in her dog's bed next to her dog.

(via Imgur)

3. This dog that learned to imitate a baby.

vs.

This baby who learned to use a doggy door.

4. This talented dog that can throw a frisbee.

vs.

This dumb kid who can almost catch a frisbee in his mouth.

5. This adorable dog that walks like a person.

vs.

This terrifying man who runs in front of a car like a dog.

And finally…
6. This dog who likes to swing on a swing.

vs.

This man who lives his life as a dog.

This was a close contest until that last one. Dogs will never be as cute as people are weird. Sorry dogs, you put up a good fight. I raise my water bowl to you.

I can get behind a cover band with a harpist.

Youtube channel PostmodernJukebox is famous for giving modern pop hits a change in style. Enjoy their latest video, a cover of The Cardigans' "Lovefool," featuring the incredible vocal talents of Hailey Reinhart. The 90s never sounded so sweet, until they sounded like the 40s!

A Denver mom made her daughter appear in a humiliating video after she found the 13-year-old's secret Facebook profile.

Val Starks(via Facebook)

Val Starks experienced the moment so many parents fear – she found her daughter's secret Facebook profile. In it, the 13-year-old claimed to be 19, was posing in a bra and other revealing outfits, and described herself as a "freak." What's much scarier, she was friends with grown men, who had no idea of the girl's real identity. Val freaked out like any mother would, and immediately came up with a way to shut down her daughter's shenanigans. Because the girl had used Facebook to lie, Val would use Facebook to get the truth out.

What Val never expected was how many people would see her video. The clip went viral, racking up more than 58,000 likes and 365,000 shares as of the time this is being written. Val received thousands of friend requests, and an outpouring of support from strangers around the world. She was so surprised, she made this follow-up video to say thanks:

Although the response was largely positive, there were also negative reactions. Many have accused Val of "humiliating" her daughter, saying shouldn't have handled the situation so publicly. It is true that the video can be painful to watch, but Val has this to say to her critics:

“I just want you to understand that I am her mother before anything," she said. “I'm not her friend, I'm not here to let her do whatever she wants; my job is to raise her and sometimes that takes tough love."

It is difficult to know how to feel about this story. But in the end, if the girl isn't putting herself in danger on the Internet anymore, that's a good thing.

Amidst the devastation of flooding and landslides, one rescued dog brings some hope to a nation.

Colombia has seen massive flooding. A llandslide in the town of Salgar has taken over a dozen lives, with many still missing. In the landslide, Colombian police forces spotted a dog caught in the rushing flood waters.

As the dog fought to keep its head above water while bouncing off rocks and debris, one sure-footed officer jumped into the powerful current and snatched up the helpless animal just in time.

Salgar continues to salvage and rebuild, but there is a small glint of hope for the future in seeing people come together to help save a life.

Squid people, Monster Taylor Swift, and skeletons are just some of the additions.

"Ahhhhhhh! Carbs!"(screenshot via YouTube)

Just when you thought you were done with this song, they pull you back in. This time you can blame the 49 talented animation students at the University of Newcastle for getting the song stuck in your head again. For their Animation 1: Design from Animation class the instructor split up the nearly 3,000 frames of footage in 52-frame chunks and assigned each student to rotoscope them.

Rotoscope is an animation technique that involves tracing over film footage, like the video for A-ha's "Take On Me." (If you're too young for that reference it was also used in A Scanner Darkly.)

The results are pretty impressive and incredibly bizarre.

Some bunny looks pretty hoppy. (screenshot via YouTube)

A gun-wielding Tay-Tay would be a truly unstoppable force.(screenshot via YouTube)

By far my favorite.(screenshot via YouTube)

Watch the whole thing here:

And the original for comparison:

1. Josh Duggar Resigns From Christian Family Group For Reasons That Are Too Depressing To Joke About

Josh Duggar—Christian activist and first child of the family featured on the TLC reality TV show 19 Kids and Counting—is stepping down from his position as executive director of the Family Research Council, a vehemently anti-gay political lobby, after admitting to the molestation of several underage girls when he was a teenager. "Twelve years ago, as a young teenager, I acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret," he said in a statement he apparently saw fit to make through Facebook. Couldn't he have just been secretly gay like the other anti-gay lobbyists?

Josh Duggar: "I am so very thankful for God's grace, mercy and redemption." God: "My what now?"
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) May 22, 2015

2. Ireland To Vote On Gay Marriage Today—Could Be Slippery Slope That Leads To Men Marrying Leprechauns

Irish citizens head to the polls today to vote on the legality of gay marriage. If the referendum passes, it will be a time for celebratory drinking, as the the deeply Catholic Ireland would be the first country to legalize marriage equality by popular vote. If it fails, it will be a time for mournful drinking, as the country's progressive trend grinds to a halt. Either way, there'll be drinking.

But what if people aren't READY for a _____ president/ gay marriage/whateverthefuckelsetheseidiotsareneverreadyfor? #ArgumentsIWillNotHave
— Robyn Pennacchia (@RobynElyse) May 6, 2015

3. President Of Boy Scouts of America Calls On Group To Stop Policy Of Institutional Bigotry

Robert Gates—former Secretary of Defense and current president of the Boy Scouts of America—is calling upon the century-old youth organization he heads to reverse its stance on homosexuality and allow gay men to act as scout leaders. “We must deal with the world as it is, not as we might wish it to be," he told a crowd at the Boy Scouts' annual national meeting in Atlanta. Does that mean they're also going to reverse their position on square knots? Those things are goddamned impossible to figure out.

I don't support the Boy Scouts of America because of their anti-gay policy, but really mainly because they don't sell cookies.
— Britta(Broken)Filter (@proEXgirlfriend) May 3, 2015

4. Reese Witherspoon Finally Finds Character Almost As Adorable As Herself To Play

Pixie-American actress Reese Witherspoon will be playing Tinker Bell in Tink, a live action adaptation of the Peter Pan story, reimagined and told from the perspective of the fairy sidekick. This is the closest that Witherspoon has ever come to portraying her actual lineage onscreen.

That video of drunk Reese Witherspoon arguing with a police officer only made me like her more.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 10, 2015

5. France Wants To Take Away Supermarkets' Right To Throw Away Food Instead Of Giving It To The Hungry

France's National Assembly is in the process of passing a law that would make it illegal for supermarkets to destroy unsold food, instead forcing them to make it available it for charity or animal feed. Do you see the unimaginable evils that come from unchecked socialism? Supermarket spokespeople contend that they already donate a lot of food, and the real culprit of food waste in France are the French people themselves, constantly flinging baguette ends, Brie rinds, and cigarettes (the French diet) everywhere as they make their honking laugh at everyone else's expense.

I found a neighborhood kid on the floor in my pantry eating Goldfish crackers, so yeah I feed the hungry.
— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) March 9, 2014

My money is on wilted flower and avocado.

I guess people have been clamoring for "potato." (illustration by Cole Mitchell)

Fresh off the heels of the latest batch of new diverse emojis, the Illuminati Unicode Consortium has released a list of the next round of pictographs people can use to obliquely reference their genitalia. Here are some preliminary mock-ups: