If someone doesn't jury-rig this doctor-training robo-butt to be a video game controller, there is no good in this world.

One butt about it. (via IncrediblyRich on Twitter)

Guys, scientists from the University of Florida, Drexel University, and the University of Wisconsin have worked together to make a robotic doctor-training butt named Patrick, and they're somehow not using it to screw around. Rather, this four-sensor butt, which is hooked up to a screen showing a guy in a doctor's office, is being used give doctors-in-training feedback about whether they're applying to right amount of pressure when poking around in your rear. According to KQED, using Patrick goes something like this:

Patrick is set up in an exam room. Students walk in, greet the patient, and ask routine questions about pain levels and symptoms (Patrick always has trouble urinating), as well as family and medication history.

Then the doctors-to-be convince him to get a prostate exam and go to butt-town.

But if someone isn't already trying to rework this faux ass ("fass") into a video game controller, something is wrong with this world. Taking high-functioning pieces of machinery and using them to waste time isn't just fun, it's American. Just ask any 60-year-old who got a new Macbook Pro and is disappointed to discover it doesn't have Minesweeper. Moreover, just think of all of the great butt-game possibilities:

• SimButt 3000
• Buttlefield 3
• Call of Butt Duty: Butt Ops
• Butt Fighter II
• Butris
• Final Butt Fantasy VI
• Grand Theft Butt: Butt City

See? Making this thing into a video game controller is necessary. Plus it's about time we have an appropriate controller for Boon-ga Boon-ga.

This guy is very confused by the pair of women's underwear he found on the street. I really hope it's all an act.

So little fabric. So much bewilderment. (via YouTube)

I grew concerned for this man as early as his opening line, when he looked at the black thong panties in his hand and said, "Women's underwear. Found them on the sidewalk outside my apartment this morning." I sincerely hope this isn't true, because why on earth did he pick up a pair of women's underwear from the sidewalk? As he confusedly toys with the undergarment, all I could think was, "I hope he took some sanitary precautions before shooting this video."

Maybe he washed them. Maybe he didn't. Either way, his knowledge of women's undergarments is so abysmal that there are only two explanations: a) he's an alien; or b) it's all an act.

Here are a couple gems from this guy's underwear monologue:

1. How do you put them on?
2. Is it like a reversible shirt?
3. Do they allow these in prison?
4. Do they let you take them on planes?
5. Are these because of periods?

In the end, he asked the question, "How'd they end up on the sidewalk?" but the real question is, "How'd they end up in your hand, bro?"

Here's the full video.

The ultimate irony is that God made the most unholy of creatures seem like it's perpetually standing in a pious way.

Like a green scorpion with the head of an alien being, the mantis blends in with his surroundings in an attempt to evade God's justified wrath.(image via Thinkstock)

The word "mantis" comes from a Greek word meaning "prophet," but no prophecy could foretell the utter horror that is The Praying Mantis. Able to quickly slice through every bit of prey with its raptorial legs (including, dear reader, its own kind), the mantis is far from a seer of God's will, and more in tune with a robotic killing machine from Terminator.

A mantis peeks out from behind a leaf, to see if the coast is clear to destroy any number of God's finer creations. (image via Thinkstock)

Science can only guess how this damned species emerged from the primordial ooze. Some say it's closest to a termite, others say that the creature edged its way into this world from a species of cockroach. The mantis crawled away from God's most wretched bottom feeders to become a versatile monster who can evade all matters of death.

Unlike most bugs, the mantis finds its prey by sight. It can move its head a full 90 degrees to either side and can see a full 65 feet ahead of itself. That, paired with its incredible speed, makes all the other oblivious beings that get anywhere near it poor lambs on their way to slaughter. If only Adam and Eve had not eaten from the Tree of Knowledge, surely then the Garden of Eden would only be shared by nice ladybugs and snails, rather than these soulless beasts.

The mantis poses with its prey, knowing full well the God-fearing photographer is too frightened to say a word.(image via Thinkstock)

Would that the mantis only preyed on these poor smaller bugs. Then, my children, I wouldn't have to reveal this: 90% of all mantises practice something known as "sexual cannibalism." If only I could stop there and let you imagine the horrors for yourself, but alas, since God permitted nothing like it to happen in humankind, this practice must be explained.

As the male begins coitus with its mate, the — dare I go on? — female starts eating the head of the male while still in the midst of accepting his seed. The male, bless his tiny bug heart, continues to mate vigorously so long as the pieces in use are still intact. Lord, send a blinding light to erase the memory of this information!

A female eats her mate, his last thought likely questioning whether he wants his progeny to experience anything similar. Why has God done this to any living thing?(via Thinkstock)

How could a loving God submit anything He made to this fate? How could an all-knowing God have this information in His head every day and not move to fix it by divine intervention? I can only guess this is all leading up to a great battle between Man and the forces of evil, led by a giant mantis, whose habits we will know from years scientific study, and hopefully, guided by that wisdom, we will rid the mantis from the Earth.

A child experiences a crisis of faith while looking upon the fearful predators God littered about the planet. She hesitates to let them escape the jar.(via Thinkstock)

For those who don't believe a creature like that described above could walk the land next to us, here is a video to watch (if you dare). Go with God:

See the whole series of ruminations here.

The video for Japanese singer Namie Amuro's new song "Golden Touch" gives you the golden touch, and it's absolutely delightful.

If there's one thing I've learned from out-of-touch bosses who are trying to figure out how the Internet works, it's that "young people love interactive things!" (According to these same bosses, young people also love things that are viral, rap music, sex vampires, and vlogs.) But this new video from Namie Amuro might be the best "interactive" experience I've had online since googling sliced bread. Make it fullscreen, keep your finger in place, and enjoy!

Little shop of horrors.

We're going to need a bigger cage.(via Obvious Plant)

Serial prankster Jeff Wysaski of Obvious Plant is back to destroy the hopes and dreams of any kid who desperately wants to raise an atomic monstrosity (or, even worse, a Guy Fieri hamster). He added these fake descriptions under the enclosures at his local pet store. I'm sure the shop owner will appreciate his attempts to stimulate the local economy as much as I do. (Also, check out our previous postsofObvious Plantpranks.)

Just add ooze. (via Obvious Plant)

Hamsters eat their own young and they still have better taste than Fieri. (via Obvious Plant)

Be sure to include it in your Tinder pics to let people know you're undatable. (via Obvious Plant)

But wait, there's more! View the rest here.

Actually, in a lot of ways it's cooler, because you're seeing dudes pull totally real badass moves.

Action movies! Boy, are they cool! But I recently found out that they are NOT DOCUMENTARIES and actually use something called "SPECIAL EFFECTS." That means that what comes out in the movie theater is NOT what went into the camera! I don't know how that works (SCIENCE??? / WIZARD???), but I DO know this: THE INTERNET has this COOL VIDEO of STUNTS, ETC that went into the camera for MAD MAX: FURY ROAD. I especially recommend the "STICK MEN" around the 2:55 mark.

ALSO, if you have never seen it, I recommend this "STUNT REHEARSAL" from SERENITY:

Public Service Announcement: Yo, you seriously should not put water on a grease fire because, as this video demonstrates, you will get caught in a scary, slo-mo flame cloud.

If they still had Home Ec class when you were in school, you probably had some terrified teacher explain, with frantic waving hands, that you should never, ever put water on a grease fire. But since you were such a cool dude back then, you were probably like, "Whatever, teach!" Then you went out back and smoked 15 cigarettes while doing donuts in your car because that's what a badass you were.

Well, as The Slo Mo Guys are here to show us, your teacher was RIGHT! (She probably also had a really good blueberry muffin recipe that you totally ignored, too.) In beautiful, HD slow motion, they show us exactly how f*cking scary a grease fire is — very f*cking scary.

In conclusion: keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen.

It's like the dog is the week, you're the goat, and the grass is... I dunno, society? Sure.

I know that many of us had a short week thanks to Memorial Day, but the great thing about the work week is that you can complain about it whether it's five days, four days, or even three days — that's your right as a person with a soul-sucking job (aka "a job"). So take a minute and celebrate getting through half of the week by watching this tiny newborn goat summit Mt. Lazy Dog (and try not to think too hard about how it would have been much easier for the goat to just go around the pup).

Here's what a Westboro Baptist Church account tweeted at J.K. Rowling yesterday:

So @jk_rowling wants Dumbledore & Gandalf to marry in Ireland; if it happens, WBC will picket! #NotBanned@pinknewspic.twitter.com/zY7hT09Nv4

— WBCSays (@WBCsigns) May 26, 2015

Good job being the absolute worst, WBC! Naturally, J.K. Rowling wasn't about to let that one slide:

.@WBCsigns Alas, the sheer awesomeness of such a union in such a place would blow your tiny bigoted minds out of your thick sloping skulls.

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) May 26, 2015

Yeah! Think about those beards kissing! Of course, we already knew that no one gets away with insulting Rowling on Twitter, but the phrase "blow your tiny bigoted minds out of your thick sloping skulls" still feels nice and Dursley-ish, doesn't it?

When a fan complained that Rowling was just giving the WBC more attention, she had this spot-on reply:

I don't care about WBC. I think it's important that scared gay kids who aren't out yet see hate speech challenged. https://t.co/XumjDmEjuw

— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) May 27, 2015

She makes a good point. (Hey, the lady is a very good writer.)

See also: If you insult J.K. Rowling on Twitter, prepare to get eloquently burned.

Bad Lip Reading imagines what the superhero team would be like if they lived in a really run down trailer park called "S.H.E.I.L.D."

Not sure why it's so fun to watch the wrong words come out of someone's mouth, but it is. Bad Lip Reading gave their newest work a more specific theme. They turned the tactical force known as The Avengers into the most dysfunctional group of weirdos you ever avoided making eye contact with at the dollar store. What results is Redneck Avengers: Tulsa Nights. Whispering the words "Tulsa Nights" feels good. Try it.

Here's where they live:

This was actually Joss Whedon's trailer.

I wanted to take screenshots of all my favorite moments in this, but then realized that they'd just look like screenshots of the regular Avengers. So here are some of the lines that made me laugh the hardest.

1. "I have to poop."
2. "No, I don't have my bestest wig on."
3. "You remember why I love you?" "My donkey feet?"
4. "You gonna run to Piggly-Wiggly, cause you gonna get me some Skittles, cigarettes and a biiiiiiig pouch of Big League Chew."

That last line was spoken by Loki, in a beautiful Southern drawl, and daaaaaammmmmn... he still looks exactly the same. Hot.

High school senior uses yearbook quote to bring attention to an important challenge facing young gay women who want to marry rich.

this is all I honestly care about right now pic.twitter.com/5J0YauhezN
— lil snowball (@casualnosebleed) May 26, 2015

17-year-old Caitlyn Cannon's yearbook quote is the funniest argument we've ever heard for income equality. It reads: "I need feminism because I intend on marrying rich and I can't do that if my wife and I are making .75 cent for every dollar a man makes."

Caitlyn's Twitter profile describes her as "feminist" and "really gay" (not just the normal amount, guys), and she explained to HuffPo that she saw the quote on Tumblr and changed it so the genders made sense for her.

"I was tired of seeing the same old quotes from popular books and movies and authors, and I wanted to call attention to a problem that women face," she told HuffPo.

Here's hoping by the time she enters the workforce, she can marry a rich woman in any state she wants.

It doesn't take many words to tell someone they're dumb as hell.

The video cues right before the question is asked, but the whole thing is mildly interesting if you're a film buff, or a big fan of Mad Max, or always wanted to know how tedious film panels can be. Everyone looks pretty bored and not excited to be talking about their movie, which seems weird when being a celebrity or a director or whatever must be the most exciting thing ever, that you've worked super hard to be for your whole life! But I don't know what their truth is.

I do know that some journalist was really trying to stir the pot when he stepped up to the mic. If you haven't heard yet, Mad Max really got some Men Rights Activists all heated up. They expected to go see Mad Max: Fury Road and watch men being men and women being subservient sex prizes awarded to manliest face-puncher. Instead, they saw a lot of women being badass and the eponymous Mad Max being down for the ride. It made their boners sad.

So when Peter Howell of the Toronto Star asked this question, he was definitely trying to start some sh*t:

I have a question for Tom Hardy. Tom, I'll preface my remarks by saying that I have five sisters, a wife, a daughter, and a mother so I know what it's like to be outgunned by estrogen. But I just wanted to ask you, as you were reading the script, did you ever think, “Why are all these women in here? I thought this was supposed to be a man's movie?"

A man's movie? Should we segregate theaters by gender now? Please, Lord, do not make me watch Sex and the City 3!

Luckily, Tom Hardy doesn't need women to be silent objects to feel like a man. "No," he replied, "Not for one minute."

George Miller goes on to talk about why the movie is being heralded as feminist and how that wasn't necessarily his intention. He was just trying to tell an honest and compelling story about people struggling to survive. So, basically, he's treating women as normal. All estrogen guns were set to stun during the making of this film.

An expert in earthquakes breaks down what San Andreas gets so wrong, and what they get right.

My first experience of a red carpet at to the premiere of San Andrea pic.twitter.com/eHcL4NdPvL
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Dr. Lucy Jones is a Los Angeles-based seismologist who was invited to the premiere of San Andreas, another summer blockbuster featuring The Rock battling other, bigger rocks.

Dr. Jones has spent her professional career studying earthquakes. She also has an itchy Twitter finger. During the screening, Dr. Jones tweeted her thoughts and observations. It turns out that story writers and special effects technicians don't know shit about earthquakes, but they do get some things right.

I'll let the expert take it from here.

First big howler. San Andreas the movie pretends that California has a subduction zone. We can only have a M8.2
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

If seismologists could actually predict EQs, we'd all be much richer. Too bad that part of San Andreas isn't real...
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

First big safety message- if the shaking is bad enough to damage a dam you won't be able to run
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

The predictions aren't real but EQ triggering is real. A California EQ M7.3 in 1992 triggered a M5.7 in Nevada the next day
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Yes! Drop, cover& hold on. The right thing to do in an earthquake
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Now people fall trying to run but they run anyway. I guess only the seismologists know Drop Cover Hold On
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

I like that the aftershocks keep on hitting and cause more damage. That's the reality of Big EQs
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

We expect serious damage to 1 in every 16 buildings in a real San Andreas EQ. The movie damage over the top.
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

The human reality of EQs. You are probably going to be rescued by your neighbor- or the cute guy you just met
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Another good tidbit. Landlines work when cellphones are out because of no electricity
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Great emotional message - not knowing if your family is ok is hard. Do you have a family communication plan?
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

OMG! A chasm? If the fault could open up, there'd be no friction. With no friction, there'd be no earthquake
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

The competent young woman knows what to do! And wins over the guys. Advertising for emergency training
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Special effects accomplished what the earth never will. People take pictures after EQs of damages but not of the buildings that are ok.
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Recognizing water draw down as sign of tsunami is good. However tsunami from San Andreas is impossible. Now we are in fantasy territory
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

The competent young woman understands vertical evacuation. One way to escape tsunami is going up a building
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Competence makes the girl sexy! That's a new message i can applaud!
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Bottom line: don't learn seismology from #SanAndreas but maybe it will inspire people to take Community Emergency Response Training
— Dr. Lucy Jones (@DrLucyJones) May 27, 2015

Oh, look at that. A dog who loves having his belly rubbed. How shocking… not!

A kitten? Big stinking whoop! Let's face it folks: everyone knows dogs and cats love belly rubs. If you've been stopping strangers on the street to give them the good news about dogs and cats loving belly rubs, save your breath! We got the memo. On the other hand, you probably have ZERO IDEA that every single other species of animal loves belly rubs just as much. Just. As. Much. Don't believe me? Well that's because you're a damn fool. Just take a look at all these contented critters enjoying the crap out of their belly rubs. You'll be eating belly rub pie.

1. A horse.

She loves having her belly rubbed, of horse.

2. A micro pig.

This micro pig gets macro pleasure from a belly rub.

3. A koala bear.

Koalas may not technically be bears, but this one is technically in paradise.

4. A meerkat.

Does a tickle count as a rub? Don't ask this guy, he's too busy chittering with joy.

5. A lizard.

Did you think only mammals loved belly rubs? This uromastyx would tell you: urong!

6. A platypus.

Don't let the duck bill fool you, this one's a mammal. A cute mammal! It also lays eggs.

7. A hedgehog.

It might have a spiny back, but underneath is a soft tender belly ripe for the rubbing.

8. A magpie.

This wild bird can only be tamed by one thing: The Rub.

9. A baby goat.

This goat may be just a baby, but he's a savvy kid who knows what he wants.

10. A seal.

Would you go scuba diving just to rub a seal's belly? Of course you would.

11. A tiger.

This one might be dangerous. I've been clawed by a cat before because I stopped rubbing its belly. In this case, that would be fatal.

12. A guinea pig.

This one could be dangerous too. Because I might never stop!

13. A puffer fish.

The best part about rubbing a fish's belly is that it forgets in 30 seconds and you can start all over again.

14. A squirrel.

Some people say squirrels are just like rats, and I agree. I would rub a rat's belly too.

15. A rat.

You see? They're irratsistible.

16. A snake.

If the rat weirded you out, you're definitely not cool with this!

17. A bunny.

This bunny is your reward for getting through the snake. Incidentally, if that snake ate this bunny, you could rub both their bellies at the same time!

18. A chubby wombat.

The only thing better than rubbing an affectionate wombat's belly is if that affectionate wombat is also fat.

19. Another corgi.

Am I running out of ideas? Nope, corgis are just adorable.

20. A shark.

A shark! Forget Jaws, this is more like Awws!

21. A hedgehog cuddling with a buddy.

I know I already did a hedgehog, but this one's cuddling with a buddy. I think I'm in the clear.

22. A parrot.

Another bird. But this one is a majestic macaw. Fun fact: this is the only animal on this list that can tell you it wants a belly rub in plain English.

23. A dolphin.

Dolphins are very intelligent, which is why they know never to turn down a free belly rub.

24. A wolf.

This she-wolf is having a howling good time!

25. A Texas spiny lizard.

Everything's bigger in Texas. Except this tiny lizard. But he does love a BIG rub!

26. A sugar glider.

Gliding into our grand finale with this cutie! Next up is a doozy…

27. A tarantula.

If you don't think this is cute, you need to be more open-minded. Or go back and watch one of the other videos.

28. A turtle.

There you have it! 30 animals who can't get enough sweet sweet belly rubbing (don't forget the bonus two at the top.) If you watched all of these videos to the end, congratulations. You're a certified rubologist. Now get back to work.

Only you can prevent barbecue-related forks in the eye.

With Memorial Day behind us, we are now officially in cookout season, so it's probably a good idea to take a moment and remind everybody not to shove eating utensils into one another's eyes as a means of solving food-related grievances. That goes for forks, knives, sporks... hell, let's just throw chopsticks in there as well. Anything that's sharpish and stabby. It's not worth it. There's gonna be more food eventually, so just take a breath, count to ten and try not to gouge.

Unfortunately, this public service announcement is coming a few days late for two women in Muncie, Indiana. According to reports, a woman named Sabrina Davis was attempting to skewer the last available rib at a backyard barbecue when another woman approached her in protest. "She was upset that Davis was taking the last rib from the kitchen," according to police. Some heated words were exchanged, and then Davis stabbed the other woman in the eye with her fork (she contends that she was defending herself after the other woman pulled a knife on her).

Anyway, Davis was arrested. The other woman was sent to the hospital for lacerations and a swollen eye, but was later released. It is currently unknown who ultimately ended up claiming the last rib.

I can't help feeling like this didn't need to happen. Yes, barbecued ribs are delicious. Some might even say that they're sufficiently delicious to justify stabbing people in the eye with a fork. The problem is that this kind of behavior is counterproductive. Think about it: what are the odds that Davis is going to be invited back to this house for another cookout? Exceedingly low. So, even if she wound up with the last rib this time, consider how many ribs she will lose out on in the future.

Or, as a neighbor expressed to Fox 59 after the incident, "Barbecue's good and all that, but it's not worth sticking somebody in the eye with a fork, you know?"

Finally, you can play with your comedy superheroes.

Gorgeous, funny, food. (Getty)

Parents, here are some great action figures to give your kids. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hilarious, smart, cool and look good in everything. Also, they're best friends in real life! How cute is that?

This is them, according to Getty. The hair looks right.(Getty)

If you don't have kids, remember, adults can order them, too. Not for fan-fiction reasons that are borderline perverted, of course, though we're all entitled to our fantasies.

SNL's Weekend Update when there were two women instead of none.(via Entertainment Earth)

You can't change them out of their stylish, yet sensible, suits, but kids always find a work around. Adults, too. ;)

The action figures aren't going to be available until July, but you can pre-order now. Oh, I can't wait! Let's just watch them trying to mentor Lindsey Lohan (hindsight's 20/20, guys):