Have you ugly cried yet today?

You're not going to be able to keep it together either.(via YouTube)

Just in case you haven't completely broken down and wept as part of your normal routine, some New Hampshire teenagers did something incredibly sweet recently by donating all of the money for their senior class trip to their principal, who has been diagnosed with cancer. Courtney Vashaw, principal of Profile Junior-Senior High School, shared the news that she has a rare and aggressive form of cancer with her students last week. Instead of going on their senior class trip to Rydin' Hy Ranch in New York, they voted—unanimously—to put the $8,000 they had raised toward their favorite principal's medical treatments.

Kids these days! They're never going to live up to the baby boomers' legacy of selfishness and greed this way!

Go ahead and weep:

A two-year-old named Claudia was visiting the White House for a Passover seder when she lost her cool.

This really might be the best picture ever: my niece Claudia throwing a fit at Passover. pic.twitter.com/SU1r94QyTd
— Benjamin Moser (@BenjaminFMoser) May 21, 2015

This photo is so great, it should become Barack Obama's official presidential portrait. This is how I want to remember him when he's no longer in office.

The picture was taken during a recent Passover seder held at the White House. I'm sure all of the guests were honored to share such a special meal with the president, but two-year-old Claudia was not impressed. Any parent knows that there's no occasion so important that a toddler can't make it all about them. Claudia didn't fail to deliver, throwing an epic tantrum that ended with her face-down on the floor. Her uncle, New York Times columnist Benjamin Moser, captured the meltdown at the perfect moment, including both Barack and Michelle's priceless reactions.

Some people might remember that this isn't the first time a kid face-planted in front of the president. It happened last year with the child of a departing Secret Service agent.

SPLAT!(Lawrence Jackson/The White House via Flickr)

I guess Obama has a way with kids. He should pick up a few tips from Michelle.

You should know before watching this that everyone came out OK.

This would be a good time to summon one of those Allstate agent demons.

You can clearly see in this video from Sarah and Ernie Perez in Wimberley, TX why floods feature so prominently in the Bible and other early stories. It really does look like someone pissed God off really badly. As you may have heard, Texas suffered major floods over Memorial Day weekend, particularly along the Blanco River, which rose 40 feet amid torrential rains. The Blanco flood is what you can see breaking down the Perez's front door and turning their living room, as Ernie told CNN, "into a gigantic washing machine."

Also, if I'm ever in a crisis, I want to be standing next to Ernie Perez, who says with a very serious voice at about 0:35 "It's ok. It's ok. This is going to help us." That's some serious optimism right there. He remains calm throughout the video, and indeed, even though an electrical fire eventually started, he turned out to be right.

Ernie began tying bedsheets together to make a rope in case they needed to escape, but soon enough, Ernie's brother saw flashing lights belonging to a fire crew searching for an elderly neighbor of theirs, and "My brother whistles and gets their attention." Ernie, Sarah, their two little girls, Ernie's brother and Sarah's brother were all rescued. Calm, collected, and good whistlers. Those Perez boys sound like good guys in a pinch.

Because Steph Curry is as good at making you like him as he is at nailing three-pointers, he brought his adorable and hilarious two-year-old daughter Riley with him to a press conference again.

Does LeBron have a daughter this cute and charming? Warriors in 4.(Via YouTube)

Last week, the younger Curry stole the show during a post-game Q&A. As reporters tried to ask boring sports questions to her dad, Riley popped in and out from under the table, waved, and said things like "be quiet, Daddy." She was an instant and delightful media sensation, even if some grumpy sportswriters thought it was inappropriate.

As Curry upped his game to MVP levels this season (he was the MVP, actually), so too did Riley in her second press conference appearance, playing peek-a-boo with a curtain, yawning, quoting Big Sean songs ("I feel blessed!"), and handing off her chewed up gum to an Oracle Arena employee like the true diva she is.

"I think she's taking advantage of the moment, for sure," Curry told the reporter who asked about Riley. "She's way too comfortable."

In other, less interesting news, Curry's Golden State Warriors closed out the Western Conference Finals with a win over the Houston Rockets to advance to its first NBA Finals in 40 years.

1. George Pataki Joins GOP Primary Race To Delight Of Sevens Of Supporters

Former New York Gov. George Pataki has decided to run for president. He has virtually no chance of winning. This is probably the last time you'll have to consider him.

George Pataki is the Mario Cuomo of never going to be the president.

— Brian Boone (@brianadamsboone) May 28, 2015

2. We're Busted! Vladimir Putin Just Discovered America's Scheme To Steal The 2018 World Cup From Russia

Vladimir Putin is criticizing U.S. involvement in the indictment of 14 FIFA soccer officials, claiming that the country is less interested in policing issues of corruption that they are in stealing the 2018 World Cup away from Russia. "I have no doubt that this is obviously an attempt to prevent [Sepp] Blatter's re-election (as) FIFA president," Putin told the press. This is likely a reference to an open letter from by Sens, John McCain and Bob Menendez asking FIFA officials "to reconsider its support for President Sepp Blatter... in light of his continued support for Russia's hosting the 2018 FIFA World Cup." Why did we not consider that he might see that letter? We were so dumb!

BREAKING: Putin invades Ireland after they show weakness by allowing gays to have rights.

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) May 24, 2015

3. Lindsay Lohan Achieves The Impossible—Doesn't Screw Up

Lindsay Lohan has miraculously managed to complete more than 100 hours of court-ordered community service just ahead of the deadline, and is now—for the first time since the Bush administration—off probation and right with the law. “Hard work pays off. Thank you to all those that allowed me to volunteer while in NYC. God bless you all. Amen,” the actress wrote on Instagram. As of press time, she has not been arrested for any new crimes.

Lindsay Lohan finally completed her community service and is off probation and is free which means we will see her back in court in two days

— robbie (@Porbhub) May 28, 2015

4. 'Urban Cowboy' Getting Re-Cowboy-Booted

The 1980 movie Urban Cowboy—which improbably featured John Travolta as a cowboy hat-wearing good ol' boy who likes to line dance—is being remade for a new generation of people who will eventually come close to killing themselves trying to ride poorly maintained mechanical bulls. It is currently unknown what Jersey-born Italian guy will star.

I'd say I think about Scott Glenn's biceps in that net shirt from Urban Cowboy at least once a month. And have since I was 10 years old.

— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) May 20, 2015

5. Alcohol Intensifies High From Marijuana, According To Scientists, Most College Students

Drinking alcohol dramatically increases the high that comes from smoking marijuana, according to a study published in the journal Clinical Chemistry. "The significantly higher blood THC ... with alcohol possibly explain increased performance impairment observed from cannabis-alcohol combinations," the study's lead author explained. Seems about right. I've been conducting similar research for years now. I just never considered trying to get it published.

I just ran out of booze and pot and am too lazy to go out and get more. I might swallow a battery and see what happens.

— Ted (@ted2themovie) May 24, 2015

You'll watch now.

"'Nother scorcher!"(via YouTube)

If you grew up in the 90s and had a television, you'll remember the greatest commercial of all time. Just like the emergence of cicadas or the rancid stench of sun-baked garbage in New York City, the SEARS Kenmore air conditioning ad was one of the first signs of summer.

It's also a delightful cultural artifact of the roaring 1990s. Just look at this happy childless couple in the giant suburban home they probably own, spending their days watching their stock portfolio grow fat off the Clinton economy and their nights watching new episodes of Seinfeld. Just two kids livin' the American Dream™ (R.I.P.) without a care in the world except for one: central air conditioning.

Let's all watch the commercial again to re-familiarize ourselves with the two:

Amazing. The back-and-forth, the rhythm—it's like poetry if poetry were actually good! You can just imagine the pitter patter of their banter as they lounge on their flagstone patio sipping Crystal Light with the reassuring hum of their Kenmore Central Air Conditioning System in the background. This is what SEARS mannequins would live like if they suddenly sprang to life.

That's one of the reasons the following sketch from Upright Citizen's Brigade sketch team Goodbye Handsome is so great. It's the ideal response to the carefree picture-perfect family and an oddly satisfying love letter to an advertising and cultural touchstone of the mid-90s, but you don't have to take my word for it:

PS 120 in Flushing, Queens banned all students who couldn't pay a $10 fee from attending the school carnival.

No pay, no play! Poor kids banned from school carnival http://t.co/n194NwYcye via @nypostpic.twitter.com/0A5MFhmCqG
— Dan J (@RelUnrelated) May 27, 2015

Warning: this is sad. A public elementary school in New York City is in trouble for holding a school carnival that cruelly excluded the poorest students. Last Thursday, almost 900 kids between preschool and fifth grade attended the event, riding the rides, eating snacks, and dancing to music. Meanwhile, more than 100 kids were forced to sit in a dark auditorium and watch a movie, all within earshot of their friends having fun outside. The reason: their parents hadn't paid the $10 ticket price.

Teachers told the New York Post that most of the students who didn't pay are the children of poor Chinese immigrants whose parents may not have understood the flier explaining the carnival, or simply couldn't spare the $10. Many of the children didn't understand what was going on either, until they were separated from their friends and sequestered inside. One teacher found herself hugging a 7-year-old girl who was hysterically weeping. She told the post, “She was the only one from her class who couldn't go, so she was very upset." Another child asked an aide: "Are we being punished?"

There's a good argument to be made that they were being punished for their families' circumstances. The person who dealt that punishment was principal Joan Monroe. She instituted the $10 admission policy and refused to compromise despite teachers' objections, saying it wouldn't be fair to the parents who had paid.

One of those teachers told the Post, “If you are doing a carnival during school hours, it should be free." Frank Chow, the president of the parents' association, reported that the carnival cost $6,200 and netted a $2,000-$3,000 profit, which will be used for school graduation parties. “I wish we just charged parents the cost, not to make extra," he said.

Poor kids banned from school carnival might have the last laugh http://t.co/K9EDSTtOMBpic.twitter.com/TvOU6NTKFs
— The_News_DIVA (@The_News_DIVA) May 25, 2015

There is hope for those kids, however. After the Post's original story went out, a number of New Yorkers came forward to make donations for a new event. Suggestions included a trip to Chuck E. Cheese's just for the kids who couldn't go to the carnival, and a new carnival where all students would be welcome. Regardless of what happens, next year's carnival is sure to be under greater public scrutiny. Hopefully, principal Monroe will think of her reputation (if not those children's well-being) before she plans that one.

It's an old joke, but maybe a bad one. You read and decide.

1.

Was Thomas Alden the instigator?(via The Chive)

The thing that most impresses me about this 'prank' is that a bunch of pre-pubescent boys organized it. I wouldn't trust most kids to put their laundry away, but these guys all submitted their quotes, connecting them from one to the other in perfect order just to tell one of the longest, dumbest jokes ever. Or I thought it was dumb. So dumb I laughed. How about YOUUUU?

The first picture above reads (all spelling and grammar errors belong solely to the pre-teens):

A man walks into a bar and pauses. At the other end of the bar there's this guy with a big orange head, just kind of sitting there, staring into his drink. So the man asks the bartender..."Can I have some pork scratching's, please?" And then he adds, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says.... (See George Childs)

Here we go:

2.

(See Tom Alden) "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you." So the man walks over and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh? To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind." (See Ross Triggol)

3.

(Start at Thomas Alden)...The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp shaped perfectly like Bill Nighy's face [Editor's note: leave Bill Nighy out of this!!!]...(See Brad Smith)

4.

(Start at Thomas Alden)...I picked it up and dusted it off. Suddenly, in a huge cloud of navy blue smoke, a genie erupted from the lamp. Dressed in a park blue jacket, black square framed glasses, with his hair tied in a bun, the genie boomed; "Thank you for releasing me from my 10,000 year imprisonment, as a reward I will grant you two wishes..." (See Oliver Maynard)

5.

(start at Tom Alden) The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy." "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and a big medallion around my neck...(see Jeremy Mantingh)

6.

(Start at thomas Alden) The man can't believe what he's hearing. "What was your last wish?" He asks. The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong..." (See Sam Thomas)

7.

(Start at Thomas Alden) I wished for a big orange head.

Ba-dum-tss! He wished for a big orange head, folks. Get it?! Now...did you laugh?

Like I said, it's an old joke. There's even this cute animated version of it, which clarifies that the man's head is an actual orange. A 'big orange head' can mean other things. I was imagining something like self-tanner-gone-wrong-plus-bee-stings before.

Please note that this video is titled "best anti-joke of all time," which might explain everything.

After 15 years of cleverly skirting Pennsylvania's law of not recognizing domestic partnerships, 76-year-old Bill Novak and 74-year-old Norman MacArthur got married last weekend.

Best. Dad. Ever. (Via Thinkstock)

Novak and MacArthur have been a couple for more than 50 years, back when it was basically illegal to be gay and same-sex marriage certainly wasn't a thing. In 1994 they registered as domestic partners while living in New York City. In 2000, they moved to Erwinna, a town in Pennsylvania, a state where domestic partnerships were not recognized legally. By that time they were in their late 50s and planning wills and estates. Their lawyer found a legal loophole to make sure that Novak and MacArthur would be protected financially in the event of death: Novak "adopted" MacArthur.

"It struck me as fairly unusual," MacArthur told Yahoo Parenting. "But we looked into it and discovered that other couples had done it."

Another notable outcome of the two living as father and son was hospital visitation rights, which have long been denied to gay people because they weren't technically their partner's "family."

Novak and MacArthur have been legally father and son for the past 15 years, until last weekend when they made honest men out of each other because same-sex marriage is legal in Pennsylvania now. Congrats!

If being rude could get you evicted I would be homeless.

Short notice from a short human.(via reddit)

If you can't make out the adorable chicken scratch, it reads:

I am sorry to inform you that you will have to be evictid (kicked out of your house) because your rude to children in your Area
you will leave on June 2nd 2015
By the house company

Pretty sweet of them to explain to what "evictid" means. Redditor Skalinsky, who posted the note, claims innocence:

I haven't done anything, I always say hello to my neighbours. Probably, just some kids trolling.

Still, better start packing just to be safe.

He's not a literal piece of shit, just a grinning representation of one. It's like she's playing out a story of unrequited love in a Charlie Kaufman movie.

It's a tale as old as time. You meet a beautiful, successful girl with a great sense of humor. Because this is a movie, that girl is model and actress Nargis goddamn Fakhri. If you don't already know her, you probably will after her role in the upcoming summer action flick Spy with Melissa McCarthy.

A photo posted by N (@nargilove) on May 25, 2015 at 6:32pm PDT

The only problem is, she already has someone in her life. And he's a real piece of shit.

Mr Fecal is way too happy to go to work this morning...... As u can see I'm not. #mornings #early #notMetoday
A photo posted by N (@nargilove) on Mar 15, 2015 at 9:05pm PDT

His name is literally Mr. Fecal.

Mr. Fecal did some modeling today. He has a million dollar smile.
A photo posted by N (@nargilove) on Mar 16, 2015 at 7:37am PDT

Everyone thinks he's sooooo funny.

Mr fecal met everyone on set today. He was very happy and so were the others. #happy #Goodshoot #MrFecalisNotaBoy
A photo posted by N (@nargilove) on Mar 16, 2015 at 7:33am PDT

Not only is he her boyfriend, she's madly in love with him.

Who ? Poo?
A video posted by N (@nargilove) on Mar 15, 2015 at 11:35am PDT

They go on exotic trips together.

Headed to Kenya ..... I think I'm being followed ....

He flies first class.

I think he locked @fionadsouza14 somewhere and took her seat. #KenyaAirways Anything to meet #Sudan #Kenya ! #MrFecalisNotaBoy my little poo traveler.
A photo posted by N (@nargilove) on May 21, 2015 at 5:28am PDT

Even though his primary skill is looking good with a vapid smile.

Team work.
A photo posted by N (@nargilove) on May 19, 2015 at 11:02pm PDT

She really loves him.

Safari ride
A photo posted by N (@nargilove) on May 24, 2015 at 5:29am PDT

All you can do is face your demons, grow as a person through Act 2 and hope to one day meet your own emoji to have a prototypical relationship with.

(via emojipedia)

Finally, clueless dudes have an answer to the questions they've always wanted to ask.

Speaking as a manchild who is confused and intimidated by women's sexuality, this video is a godsend. I've spent the past 45 minutes watching it on repeat while scribbling notes on my arm. Here are just a few of the gems I picked up:

• A lot of factors go into female arousal (unlike men, where it's one).
• I need to get my eyebrows on something called "fleek."
• When things get wet, it gets real.
• Women don't get boners. Then what are these "lady boners" I've heard about? Some sort of metaphor? I'm so in over my head.

I'm going to watch this again and see if I can figure it out. I'll get back to you when I'm an expert on seducing women. Don't hold your breath.

Living fast as slowly as possible.

The best way to beat the hare. (via reddit)

When redditor Consent_van's girlfriend went out of town, all she told him to do was watch her tortoise and "keep him out of trouble." Naturally, he decided to treat the little reptile to a bachelor's weekend he would remember for the rest of his long life.

Getting a beak full of the good stuff.(via reddit)

"Are there any without their shells on?"(via reddit)

He can blow despite having a horse throat.

When J.D. the horse recently turned four years old, his trainers at Ithilien Stables in Whitehouse, New Jersey decided to surprise him with a birthday cake, complete with flaming candles. J.D., in turn, decided to surprise them by blowing out the candles all on his own.

You've got to admit, that's a pretty cool trick for a horse. It almost makes him seem human. Almost. If he really wanted to seem human on his birthday, he should get very morose for no good reason and then go sit in the corner and think about how what a failure he is. And then he should get drunk. You know, like all of us do, right?

One man decided to try the honest approach to meeting women on Tinder.

That's a bold strategy.(via Reddit)

Redditor MeMe_TanMan isn't the creepiest person on Tinder, but he is weirdly hostile. I mean, nobody downloads that app who doesn't have deep-seat commitment issues, but that doesn't mean you have to let it all out in the open right off the bat. Leave something for the imagination, man.

Related: Man creates world's most effective Tinder pickup line.

I'm really interested to see how many right-swipes he gets with this bio, and who those women are. Do they have low self-esteem, or are they just fans of radical honesty with nothing to lose?

Related: The best Tinder comebacks of all time.

I really hope he finds happiness. I don't know if he could find it with somebody else, or if he needs to look within himself first, but it has to be out there. If there's no hope for him, there's no hope for any of us.

A couple in Seattle nearly lost a million dollars that they didn't realize was sitting on their dashboard.

You have to buy a ticket—and check it!—to play the game.(via Getty)

A couple in Seattle have cashed in a winning lottery ticket that they had left under a pair of sunglasses in their car.

The unnamed couple bought the lottery ticket back in February, hoping to win the big Powerball jackpot of $350 million. After hearing no one had won the big drawing, the couple left the lotto ticket in their car without checking their numbers. If you match enough numbers, you can still win a tidy little prize.

Instead, the winning ticket sat underneath a pair of sunglasses in the couple's car, until a thief broke in and took just the sunglasses. the couple finally checked the lotto ticket to find out they had been leaving a cool million sitting in the sun on the dashboard.

The couple is using the winnings to pay for home maintenance and a trip to Paris. Maybe they should spring for a car alarm, too.