Your iPhone 5 will be the perfect device to play with while you're waiting in line for the iPhone 5S.

September 10, 2013, 2:40 pm

≫ Next: Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

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Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

September 10, 2013, 5:01 pm

≫ Next: I bet you'd be surprised at how often people don't think about you.

≪ Previous: Your iPhone 5 will be the perfect device to play with while you're waiting in line for the iPhone 5S.

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I bet you'd be surprised at how often people don't think about you.

September 11, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Sorry your birthday is forever marred by a national tragedy.

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Sorry your birthday is forever marred by a national tragedy.

September 11, 2013, 7:40 am

≫ Next: I want to become a new me, but current me is really bad at follow-through.

≪ Previous: I bet you'd be surprised at how often people don't think about you.

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I want to become a new me, but current me is really bad at follow-through.

September 11, 2013, 8:20 am

≫ Next: Better Like Button: Congrats on making this tragedy about you.

≪ Previous: Sorry your birthday is forever marred by a national tragedy.

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Better Like Button: Congrats on making this tragedy about you.

September 11, 2013, 8:23 am

≫ Next: I'd really appreciate it if you didn't wish me a Happy Hump Day on 9/11.

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I'd really appreciate it if you didn't wish me a Happy Hump Day on 9/11.

September 11, 2013, 8:57 am

≫ Next: 9/11 is the one day of the year I'm perfectly okay with the TSA fondling my genitals.

≪ Previous: Better Like Button: Congrats on making this tragedy about you.

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9/11 is the one day of the year I'm perfectly okay with the TSA fondling my genitals.

September 11, 2013, 9:49 am

≫ Next: At least your reason for being depressed today isn't shockingly trivial.

≪ Previous: I'd really appreciate it if you didn't wish me a Happy Hump Day on 9/11.

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At least your reason for being depressed today isn't shockingly trivial.

September 11, 2013, 9:57 am

≫ Next: Best of luck not going into labor until September 12th.

≪ Previous: 9/11 is the one day of the year I'm perfectly okay with the TSA fondling my genitals.

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Best of luck not going into labor until September 12th.

September 11, 2013, 10:16 am

≫ Next: 9/11 is the only anniversary I dread more than the one for my marriage.

≪ Previous: At least your reason for being depressed today isn't shockingly trivial.

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9/11 is the only anniversary I dread more than the one for my marriage.

September 11, 2013, 10:40 am

≫ Next: Keep up.

≪ Previous: Best of luck not going into labor until September 12th.

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Keep up.

September 11, 2013, 11:01 am

≫ Next: I'm achieving a work-life balance by bringing my personal life into the office.

≪ Previous: 9/11 is the only anniversary I dread more than the one for my marriage.

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I'm achieving a work-life balance by bringing my personal life into the office.

September 11, 2013, 12:16 pm

≫ Next: Just wanted you to know I'm trying my hardest not to racially profile you this 9/11.

≪ Previous: Keep up.

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Just wanted you to know I'm trying my hardest not to racially profile you this 9/11.

September 11, 2013, 12:48 pm

≫ Next: Don't forget to mourn a national tragedy in between making fantasy football trades.

≪ Previous: I'm achieving a work-life balance by bringing my personal life into the office.

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Don't forget to mourn a national tragedy in between making fantasy football trades.

September 11, 2013, 1:09 pm

≫ Next: Nobody touches my junk quite the way you do.

≪ Previous: Just wanted you to know I'm trying my hardest not to racially profile you this 9/11.

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Nobody touches my junk quite the way you do.

September 11, 2013, 4:55 pm

≫ Next: I can enjoy an evening by myself because I'm a strong, independent woman who has gotten over the shame of drinking alone.

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I can enjoy an evening by myself because I'm a strong, independent woman who has gotten over the shame of drinking alone.

September 12, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Friends don't let friends do friends.

≪ Previous: Nobody touches my junk quite the way you do.

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Friends don't let friends do friends.

September 12, 2013, 7:59 am

≫ Next: May your renewed hatred of Russian leaders make you feel as young as you were in the '80s.

≪ Previous: I can enjoy an evening by myself because I'm a strong, independent woman who has gotten over the shame of drinking alone.

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May your renewed hatred of Russian leaders make you feel as young as you were in the '80s.

September 12, 2013, 9:51 am

≫ Next: It's time to start carbo-loading for my Yom Kippur fast.

≪ Previous: Friends don't let friends do friends.

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It's time to start carbo-loading for my Yom Kippur fast.

September 12, 2013, 10:35 am

≫ Next: Fashion Week has reminded me I won't be the only one starving myself on Yom Kippur.

≪ Previous: May your renewed hatred of Russian leaders make you feel as young as you were in the '80s.

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