Lord, grant me the strength to look upon giraffes and not question how any Earthly creature of its sort fits into your plan.

Giraffes staring out over the plains, wondering if anywhere on God's green Earth is really meant for them.(via Thinkstock)

Scripture tells us that when God made Eve for Adam, he used one of Adam's ribs. What part of an animal God used to make the giraffe will remain a mystery until the sands of time run out. It's almost as if God took a snake, attached it to a camel, and had it mate with a cheetah. What sick mind would shape reality in such a way?

I shudder to think what reason an all-powerful being had to make such an awkward beast. Perhaps this being (and therefore all of life?) is some huge joke played on us by some sinister force merely trying to amuse itself by making weirder and weirder animals. I pray this is untrue.

Evil people exploit the odd visage of the giraffe to confuse our children into wanting more products from Toys 'R' Us. What does it all mean?
(via Thinkstock)

Giraffes are the tallest mammal, and their physical stature mirrors how they stick out from an otherwise perfectly ordered world. Unlike most water-drinking mammals residing in Africa, giraffes can only bend down to drink for a few moments, otherwise they risk choking or being caught completely off guard by predators while leaning their huge necks between their equally long legs. The one thing God insisted all Earth-walking creatures consume with frequency, the giraffe can barely reach.

Giraffes bond easily with Zebras because they both wish they were just regular horses.
(via Thinkstock)

Luckily, God made the food source for these sad beings somewhere near their poor, goofy heads. Unfortunately, He also decided giraffes need to eat seventy five pounds of food a day in order to survive. The giraffe spends twelve hours a day eating leaves and only a half hour a day sleeping. At least God didn't give them the free time to reflect on what an awful existence they were allotted.

Even the seemingly mindless tree attempts to distance itself from this weird creature. (via Thinkstock)

If only the giraffe could spend what little spare time it had finding some comfort among others of its species but, alas, the giraffe is not social. Some will congregate near each other if they happen to be headed a similar direction, but unlike most creatures, the giraffe prefers its solitude. What meaning is there to find for the perpetually-plant-chewing loner of nature? Why would an all-loving power force something to live this way?

The giraffe is unmoved by its own kind. That is, of course, unless it wants to fight.

Since God did not bless the giraffe with large horns or the majestic antlers of deer, the males are forced to "neck" each other for dominance. I look upon this neck fight with equal parts horror and pity for the powerful yet maladroit giraffes:

"Necking" in the human world is a sin, but there's no categorizing how unholy the act in the above video is. It feels as though God accidentally gave the strength of an elephant to a pair of sentient crazy straws. Try as I might, I see no meaning.

When I die and go to Heaven, the first thing I will ask Saint Peter is why God bothered making the giraffe. Only then will I know solace.

See the whole series of ruminations here.

Just when you thought they were FINished with this franchise...

There's this very old saying that my great-grandfather brought with him from the old country: "It is a foolish man who watches a movie about a bunch of crazy sharks inside a tornado and expects something other than a bunch of crazy sharks inside a tornado."

What I think that means is that you should always try to view life experiences within the proper context. So, if you're going to watch a movie called Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No!, you should not expect a Godfather-quality film or you'll be sorely disappointed. But if you going into it expecting something cheap and silly, you might have a good time.

You know, now that I actually read it on the screen, my great-grandfather's saying almost kind of seems a little prescient. It's kind of weird that I used it in a post about a movie that features a bunch of crazy sharks inside a tornado. That's almost spooky.

Is 2015 the year that essay contests will put real estate brokers out of business?

(via Humble Heart Farms)

Once again, someone is giving away their charming rustic property to an industrious person who writes the best 200-word essay and desperately wants to ditch his or her entire life. Just like that woman trying to unload her Maine Inn, Paul and Leslie Spell will use a writing contest to choose a new owner for their northern Alabama farm in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains.

Competing essays are due by October 1st along with a $150 fee. The Spells are expecting 2,500 entries, so if my laptop calculator multiplication is correct, they should make $375,000. Wow, my eyeballs just turned into dollar signs, and now I'm rapidly brainstorming essay contest schemes while a cash register sound effect repeats through my brain.

(via Humble Heart Farms)

The 20-acre property is called Humble Heart Farms, and it specializes in goat cheese and frozen desserts. The winner gets 55 goats, processing facilities, and a three-bedroom house. And to get you acclimated with farm life—because let's be real, many entrants are going to be stressed out city people with unrealistic fantasies of being the next Charlotte from Charlotte's Web—you'll be set up with a month of training and $20,000.

(via Humble Heart Farms)

I'm probably not going to enter the contest because my life is perfect in all ways and I wouldn't want to change one thing. But to those who do, I wish you the best of luck.

(via Humble Heart Farms)

(via Humble Heart Farms)

(via Humble Heart Farms)

You put a what in my where? Why?!

According to his YouTube page, Joey Salads is a guy who does "pranks and mind blowing social experiments." I'm not sure that dropping pills into women's drinks to show how easy it is qualifies as "mind blowing," but the fact that he doesn't get the shit kicked out of him by the end of the video might. I realize that he's not actually trying to drug these women, and I acknowledge that people should know how easy it is to get drugged, but something about this isn't sitting right with me.

Maybe it's the fact that the "mind blowing social experiments" on his YouTube page are mixed right in with the "pranks." Seeing a video that highlights the ease with which he abducts a person's child next to one in which he scares people by pretending to be a mafia hit victim doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence in his motivations.

Or maybe it's just that he should keep his goddamned hands out of people's drinks!

How do we know this actually is Taylor Swift? She told everybody.

Taylor Swift with a security guard who was keeping her from walking off a cliff. (via tumblr)

Taylor Swift is often seen—photographed, rather—walking backwards. It's not a strange exercise or passing fad, it's an avoidance technique. This particular photo was going around Tumblr, confusing "Swifties" as to why Taylor would be hiking backwards. Taylor, a fellow Tumblrer, was quick to answer that she sometimes hikes backwards to avoid the paparazzi.

Now, if you are trying to avoid being photographed, I wouldn't tell people when they have successfully photographed you anyway. Beside that point, I am sure hiking backwards does have some aerobic benefit.

Jason Alexander really regrets talking shit on "Howard Stern" this week.

In better times. (via NBC)

My mother always said, don't say anything behind someone's back if you wouldn't say it to their face. This is, of course, impossible. Especially if you're a celebrity and everyone loves the show you were on and wants to hear all the hot gossip about it, constantly. Rumors swirled for years about why Heidi Swedberg's character Susan was so unceremoniously killed off during the season 7 finale, licking cheap wedding invitation glue, and some of those rumors were kinda nasty.

Yesterday, Jason Alexander tried to clarify on Howard Stern that she wasn't killed/fired because she was terrible, they just lacked chemistry. It's an old story and I guess one people have heard before, but it took off again like wildfire. Guess people still really miss Seinfeld?

Anyway, realizing he'd drawn a whole bunch of unwelcome Internet attention towards Swedberg, Alexander just issued an apology. The whole thing is very gracious and 'mea culpa'-y. Here's a taste:

Ok folks, I feel officially awful. Yesterday on @Sternshow, I retold a story I had told years ago about my personal difficulties and insecurities in playing George against the Susan that Heidi Swedberg created... But in telling this story, it sounds like we are putting a heavy burden on Heidi. I, personally, am not. Heidi would always ask if there was anything in the scenes she could do or if I had any thoughts. She was generous and gracious and I am so mad at myself for retelling this story in any way that would diminish her.

Aw. This still sucks for Swedberg, but as my co-worker pointed out yesterday, she's raking in those sweet, sweet royalty checks. Take that apology all the way to the bank, girl.

Another day, another idiot who doesn't realize times have changed.

If you still haven't seen this picture, I don't know how to help you.(via Vanity Fair)

This story reminded me of being a kid and watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective with my fourth grade class. In it, Jim Carey's character makes out with his female superior officer. The story culminates with discovering the woman he's had this intense sexual chemistry with was born a man. Carey sobs in the shower, trying to burn the memory of kissing this person off him. Eventually, he exposes her genitals to the entire police force and they all start spitting on the ground, the implication being that they too have kissed her and are now disgusted by themselves and her.

Kinda crazy we watched that, huh? I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but Toronto restaurant El Furniture Warehouse brought back my intense discomfort with that scene and the shaming of that woman, when they posted this:

26 people liked this.(via Instagram)

The photo is a screenshot of that woman's back, from Ace Ventura, the implication being that's her dick bunched up in her underwear, and that's how it was with Caitlyn Jenner during her famous photo shoot for Vanity Fair. Again, we watched this as children. At the time, I was very aware of gay and lesbian issues, because many members of my family are out and proud. I saw Ace's total rejection and horror as being incredibly homophobic. Men kiss all the time and no one should be scalding their skin off in the shower over it.

I understand better now that what I was seeing was transphobia, the twin phobia of homophobia. It seems like people are obsessed with genitals? In real life, unless someone is your consenting sexual partner, what they're packing is none of your goddamned business. If we all had to pass genital checks to accept each other's gender identity, life would be a bureaucratic nightmare of dropping trou. If someone says they're a woman, accept that at face value and move on with your own stupid life.

The post was quickly deleted, but Instagram user @chegrantsoto got a screenshot. That's when things got weird, instead of just gross:

This is what's called adding fuel to fire.(via BuzzFeed)

The restaurant started posting on the screenshot, claiming it was a fake, then semi-admitting it wasn't. Whatever is going on, the social media director of El Furniture Warehouse seems like a real asshat. Who are you again, indeed.

Someone must have realized the magnitude of the shit storm brewing, because partner Sean Young took the reins and released this statement:

After looking into the situation, it was a repost from a popular edgy IG account, and it was actually taken down within an hour of posting, as it was in my opinion poor taste, and the imagery was also a bit much, even for our account, which is known to be slightly edgy. I spoke to the IG team and have implemented a process where all posts will be vetted before being posted.
I can assure you that the post does not represent any of the views of our staff, as we accept EVERYONE with open arms, and take pride in our diversity, whether it be race, sexual orientation, or religious views. That's exactly what makes us special.

Edgy! He also posted these to his private account:

I think you mean Caitlyn, buddy.(via BuzzFeed)

It's not you. It's the machines.

If it seems like it's impossible to win a stuffed animal from a claw machine, well, it kind of is. This video from Vox explains that claw machine users "are not the problem. The claw machine is the problem." Claw machines are programmed to make sure they earn their owners money. The claw doesn't always use full strength and it also has the ability to drop what it picks up.

Now if only science could explain why we're compelled to try, and try, and try again.

Bindi Irwin, the 16-year-old daughter of late "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin, posted a selfie to Instagram on Tuesday.

She's wearing makeup, and lots of headlines are creepily announcing that she looks "all grown up."

(TMZ)

(E!)

(Us Weekly)

(People)

(Extra)

(Radar)

(Seventeen)

Sure, the new photo shows a little bit of a different look—though not that different—than past photos.

But there's something unsettling about discussing a young celebrity as transforming from a "little girl" into a "woman" (unless you are Britney Spears talking about Britney Spears, obviously). It reminds me of how weird it used to feel to be a card-carrying Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen fan while also being aware of the jokes people made about the countdown until they would be 18 and "legal." You know, you're not going to be able to discuss teenage celebrities using gross code words about their bodies in 2036 when Kiernan Shipka is president.

Exes and alcohol obviously make a great mix.

Cut Video brought together a bunch of ex couples and had them play Truth or Drink with some pre-written, salacious questions. There was also a little daring going on, which involved body shots and kisses ON THE LIPS.

These couples must be on reasonably good terms if they agreed to participate, so it's pretty funny how quickly they bring up old hurts and start bickering. The only couple that should obviously get back together is the bald guy and blonde lady who had the summer fling. It's okay to get serious with each other, guys! You could be so good together!

Get ready to say "aloha" to work! ("aloha" meaning "goodbye")(stock photo)

You've probably heard of a staycation (where you take time off from work but stay home). You may have even heard of a workcation (where you travel to a vacation spot and work remotely). But have you heard of a deskcation? It's like those, but even more pathetic.

A deskcation is where you can't take time off work, so you pretend to have a vacation without leaving the office. It's not like you're getting work done anyway. Why not pretend you're not there at all? Here are some easy tips to feel like you're getting away when you can't get away.

1. Tour the world in Google Maps.

Just because you can't travel doesn't mean you can't see the world. With Google Maps, every spot on your bucket list is only a click away. Whisk your mind off to romantic destinations like:

Hawaii! The water's so clear, you can see right to the bottom.(via Google)

Rome! They say all roads lead here. Looking at this map, it's easy to see why. (via Google)

Or, if you're the adventurous type…

The South Pole! What beautiful desolation.(via Google)

2. Get a sun lamp and crank it way the F up.

It doesn't work unless it's inches from your face.(stock photo)

Just because you're stuck inside doesn't mean you can't get a rockin' summer tan. Those fluorescent office lights are so harsh and depressing – counteract them by surrounding your desk with full-spectrum sun lamps turned to the highest setting. You'll be convinced your cubicle has been moved to a sunny Australian beach! Forget the sunscreen, you're there to BURN. And if a coworker complains about the lights, guess what: they're not even really there. You're on the beach, remember?

3. Drink your coffee from a coconut.

They're not just for piña coladas anymore.(stock photo)

You'll feel like you're relaxing at a Caribbean swim-up bar when you sip hot coffee from one of these big, fuzzy nuts. Put a tiny umbrella in there if you want to make it really awkward to drink out of. It's the perfect 2 P.M. pick-me-up! Just remember to wash out your coconut after you use it.

4. Get drunk.

Relaxing like a champ.(stock photo)

Don't like coffee? No problem! Fill your coconut (or a mug if you've already given up on that) with straight vodka. Fill it to the top! Who gives a shit? Nothing will make you feel more like you're on vacation than being plastered at work. And what's more, your coworkers will love the loose, laid-back new you. You'll charm the pants off them! Which brings me to my final tip…

5. Have a “vacation fling" with a summer intern.

This was the least creepy picture I could find.(stock photo)

Who says that you can't have a torrid love affair with someone in the office? HR? They probably will say that, but that's because they're losers. Hooking up is the best part of any vacation, and that goes for deskcations, too. There's nothing more erotic than a fleeting romance with no strings attached, which is why interns are perfect. You know they'll be gone when September rolls around. And as an added bonus, they're very young!

There you have it! Follow these tips, and you'll have the most memorable, relaxing deskcation of all time. Just as an FYI, most of them will get you fired. At least #2, #4, and definitely #5. The coconut might do it too, if you're not sanitary about it. But that's the secret of a great deskcation: it turns into a permanent vacation! Have fun, and I'll see you on the beach!

Teaching high school students can be difficult, but notes like this prove it's also very rewarding.

The student didn't sign his or her name, but they have great penmanship for a high schooler in the digital age.(via Reddit)

Graduating from high school can be a reflective time for students. It means the end of twelve years of schooling, and the beginning of responsible adulthood and citizenship. It also coincides with the development of shame, and most high school students have plenty to be ashamed of.

One Redditor, married to a high school teacher, shared this card he claims his wife received at the end of this past school year.

Dear Mrs. Huff,
No matter how rude or idiotic I've been, you've always put up with me and have continued to help me. I know I've been an asshole and a mess the past 2 years, but it never seemed to bother you. I know that I've said some things that you'll never forget, and not for good reasons. But just know that truthfully you'll always be my favorite teacher. You talked to me and helped me to be better able to deal with issues. And have always been generous and nice to me even when I was a Jerk. I can't thank you enough and I'll miss you.
#HuffNation

The student doesn't sign his or her name, but I imagine that it probably wasn't hard to suss out who sent the card to Mrs. Huff. It's probably the only student in the class with decent handwriting, spelling, and grammar. Part of me wants to call this a prank, because my own high school experience taught me that all affection and honesty is a trap to make you look foolish. But if this is how kids prank people now, then they are either then they are either the sweetest generation of kids ever raised, or they are so ironic that they've come full circle back to sincerity. Or it's just classic Redditor humor.

Whatever the case, this card does prove that a patient and caring teacher can make a world of difference for young people, and that the world is a nicer place than we might want to believe.

After a four hour stand-off with his kitty-kat, Mohammed Lokman dialed 911.

The 'she' is a cat, not the wife. (via CBS Local News)

Cats are truly our fluffy overlords. We serve them with food and poop cleaning, and what to we get? Chased from our homes and embarrassed on the local news. That's what happened to Mohammed Lokman of Stamford, CT, who came home to find his cat, after over a year of peacefully cohabitating, had decided it was time for the Lokman's to GTFO.

The cat had just given birth to a kitten the day before. Not to get all 'bitches be crazy,' but she was probably flush with new mom hormones and trying to protect her bitty baby when she chased Lokman from the house, hissing, biting and scratching. The couple sat in their car for hours before deciding to call the police.

Related: Gifts for the insane cat lady who has everything.

Eventually, they made some sort of peace and were able to reenter the house with the men in blue by their side. It sounds like the officers were just like, "Hey, chill. Maybe leave the cat alone for awhile," and that took care of it.

I guess officers are getting some sort of feline cool-down training. It's not like this is the first time people have called the police to help them with an angry fur ball.

Here's another dispatch from a family in Portland:

Thank you, transcriber, for giving the cat a voice.(via WBTV)

And from California, we have Cuppy the house cat who'd had enough and took his family hostage:

The face of a hardened criminal.(via ABC News 10)

Thankfully, the Lokman family, cat and kitten included, are all doing fine. For now....

"Ever hear the one about the underwater rocket? It broke the ice! ... Where are you going?"

One of YouTube's unassailable benefits is getting to see things blow up on demand. You can watch whole channels of young men with interesting haircuts pretend like they have charisma before blowing up a CRT monitor or a giant frozen gummy bear. I prefer the simpler approach. Just some buddies, a digital camera, a rocket, and a plan. You'll want to keep rewatching for that satisfying underwater boom.

This letter to the editor is hurting brains all across the Internet.

Quite possibly the stupidest thing ever sent in to a newspaper. pic.twitter.com/Kl2xTyAAjE
— Denham Sadler (@denhamsadler) June 5, 2015

I never thought I'd miss people saying "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." At least that one rhymes! Next to what Jan from Traralgon wrote, that argument seems rock solid.

Since this letter first appeared in The Melbourne Herald Sun, commenters have pointed out that Jan doesn't seem to have absorbed the important parts of the "birds and the bees" lesson. Like the part about how the birds don't actually have sex with the bees. But that's OK – it's never too late to catch up on middle school biology.

Maybe next time, Jan should try just thinking before "just saying."

Chopper the Biker Dog was deemed too hardcore by certifying organization Pet Partners and has been put on the bench.

A bad boy who makes you wanna say, "Good boy!"(via ABC News)

Mark Shaffer has been training animal therapy dogs and working with the organization that certified him, Pet Partners, for almost ten years. It's always been his 'thing' to dress his dogs up as little bikers, and it seems to be a real hit:

Heartbreaker.(via Chopper the Dog)

Soon after Shaffer went on a 10 day tour with Chopper the Biker Dog, he got a message from Pet Partners that chopper's license to work as a therapy dog was being revoked. The organization cited Chopper's threads as the issue, writing:

“Pet Partners regrets to inform you that your registration with our organization is being suspended effective today. Our organization has specific expectations about appearance and professionalism which unfortunately are not met by your team... We are concerned about the clothing in which Chopper is in the community... We are also concerned about the perception that your team may be creating in the community with regard to therapy animals."

Shaffer says this is a steaming pile of dogsh*t, because the organization knew very well what Chopper's persona. There are rules on the books about "costumes," but he claims that everything Chopper wears is designed for dogs and thus doesn't fall under Pet Partners' definition of costumes anyway.

So what's the problem? CONSPIRACY. Shaffer writes:

The point of this, for 10 years, this organization has had knowledge, and awareness of both Bandit and Chopper dressing up as “biker dogs", visiting so many people in need, and making a positive difference to thousands, and hundreds of thousands of people over the years…. They (Pet Partners) still gave us praise (in private emails), accepted our money and renewed our registration, UNTIL we went on our very publicized “road trip", the SAME week they had the “biker gang" (as the news puts it) shooting / killing in Waco, TX…. coincidence? Profiling?

Yikes. It's a dark world that condemns a dog for man's misdeeds.

Happily, though Shaffer and Chopper are still in a media imbroglio, they do plan to move on with another pet therapy certifying organization. Keep doing your good work, guys.

He's bad to the bone. (via Chopper the Dog)