I've overcome my fear of Friday the 13th since I don't think my luck can conceivably get any worse.
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I used to fast on Yom Kippur until I realized nothing would happen if I didn't.
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I'm sorry for the unkind words I spoke out of hunger.
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May your day of atonement be filled with misery.
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I'm fucking starving.
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I fast to repent for sins and ideally shed a few pounds.
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I can't see myself with anyone but you or your slightly more attractive sister.
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Your online absence has me worried you might have actually gotten a life.
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Thank god I'm too emotionally drained from last night's Breaking Bad to be emotionally drained from work.
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Mondays are the most irritating day of the week after every other day of the week.
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I can't see our relationship going any further until you're caught up on Breaking Bad.
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I hope news of your birthday spreads even faster than Miley Cyrus's legs when there's a camera on.
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May the piles of Autumn leaves provide a comfortable place for you to pass out during your birthday bender.
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Sauvignon Blanc pairs nicely with freshly grilled halibut, but pairing it with leftover tater tots is also acceptable in my house.
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Sorry you feel the need to blame Mondays for the consistently pitiful state of your existence.
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I'm so glad we're going to grow old together and that you'll always have a head start.
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From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to have real and/or imaginary sex with you.
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Congratulations on being one year closer to a senior citizen's discount at the movies.
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Break up sex.
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Finally, inspirational Instagrams that won't make you throw up in your mouth.
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