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I've overcome my fear of Friday the 13th since I don't think my luck can conceivably get any worse.


I used to fast on Yom Kippur until I realized nothing would happen if I didn't.

I'm sorry for the unkind words I spoke out of hunger.

May your day of atonement be filled with misery.

I'm fucking starving.

I fast to repent for sins and ideally shed a few pounds.

I can't see myself with anyone but you or your slightly more attractive sister.

Your online absence has me worried you might have actually gotten a life.


Thank god I'm too emotionally drained from last night's Breaking Bad to be emotionally drained from work.

Mondays are the most irritating day of the week after every other day of the week.

I can't see our relationship going any further until you're caught up on Breaking Bad.

I hope news of your birthday spreads even faster than Miley Cyrus's legs when there's a camera on.

May the piles of Autumn leaves provide a comfortable place for you to pass out during your birthday bender.

Sauvignon Blanc pairs nicely with freshly grilled halibut, but pairing it with leftover tater tots is also acceptable in my house.

Sorry you feel the need to blame Mondays for the consistently pitiful state of your existence.


I'm so glad we're going to grow old together and that you'll always have a head start.

From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to have real and/or imaginary sex with you.

Congratulations on being one year closer to a senior citizen's discount at the movies.

Break up sex.

Finally, inspirational Instagrams that won't make you throw up in your mouth.

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